16. Loved and Lost
As Sam thought about the fact that he might be dying, if his children's behavior and the doctor's words were any indication, it made him think of the others that he'd lost along the way.
Family was hard to lose. Mercedes and Sam had been living in Tennessee for about five years when they got the call from Stevie that Dwight was sick. Of course, being as close to his dad as he had always been, Sam rushed to his parents, who had come back to Tennessee, themselves. He and Mercy spent most of their time at the house. A couple of weeks later, Dwight was gone. In another five years, Mary joined him. Marvin and Christina had taken their beloved in-laws' death as hard as Mercedes had. But, she took it even harder when she lost Christina about nine years later. It took Marvin a year to join his wife. By the time Sam and Mercedes were around sixty-five, both of their parents were departed. Then, not three years later, Stevie discovered he had cancer in his pancreas and lived for about four months after being diagnosed. Sam took the death of his little brother harder than any of the others.
After Finn's death, Rachel began her cycle that would ultimately take her life, as well. But, since then, there were others to be lost. Santana developed breast cancer the same year that Rachel died, but survived it. She had her implants removed and went through treatments, and was perfectly fine.
A few years later, in fact – a year after the yacht party (or within the year, Sam was not positive), her breast cancer returned. She pushed Unique away, not wanting anyone around to have to pity her or try to baby her. But, she couldn't keep Brittany away. "I lost Lord Tubbington at an early age. I don't know if all the drug usage wore him down or if it was just his time to go, but I wished that I had spent more time with him. You're the best friend that I'll ever have, and I'll never let you go through something like this, alone."
It was the honest truth, because Brittany put everything on hold for the sake of being sure to be there for Santana, the entire step of the way, especially when it was clear that she was not going to get better. It put a strain on her relationship with Artie, but he never would have asked her to choose – and he was almost sure that if he had, she would have chosen Santana. They would always have a connection that he couldn't get rid of. But, he felt bad for ever having wanted to. With Santana going through what she was going through, it was best for her to have a friend like Brittany, who could care less about anything that interfered with her friendships.
Mercedes had come to spend some time with the two of them, too. Sugar visited, only once while Santana was at her sickest, but didn't stay long, because sick people depressed her. Mercedes got Sam to take a photo of the four of them, "The Original Troubletones." Santana had no hair and wore a wrap around her head and Brittany, Mercedes and Sugar leaned towards her, as she forced herself to sit up on her couch. After Sugar left, Mercedes and Brittany took turns, doing shifts of always being around Santana. It was mostly Brittany, but Mercedes would come so that her friend had a moment to do other things, like use the bathroom and fix herself something to eat. She'd wanted to get hired help, but Santana didn't like the idea of some stranger seeing her in this way. Yet, Brittany couldn't leave Santana alone, because she had this fear that if she did, Santana would have a sad, lonely The L Word's Dana cancer death and that she would come back when it was too late.
As things turned out, Santana said, "Hey – I want us to sing together," one day. She was so tired that she could barely move, but she loved to sing, once upon a time. She had not been able to make her living singing, as she wanted to, every since Glee club, but she still loved it. She began to sing, "It's time to feel the rush, to push the dangerous. I'm gonna run back to the edge with you – where we could both fall over in love…" She was singing it slower than it actually went and all of the women immediately thought of the time that they won Nationals, as they joined in, singing with their tired friend, "I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment of truth. Out on the edge of glory, and I'm hanging on a moment with you.
I'm on the edge. The edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge. I'm on the edge of glory and I'm hanging on a moment with you. I'm on the edge with you…"
Both Mercedes and Brittany looked at the soft smile that crossed Santana's lips before she exhaled and wouldn't move again. Mercedes wanted to be strong for Brittany, but Brittany obviously had been prepared for this, all along. She leaned over and kissed Santana on the eyelids, then held her hand. "She's still warm. We can let everyone know, in a little while." Mercedes burst into tears and held Santana's other hand. She wiped her face and shook her head. "It's alright. Lord Tubbington will keep her company, until we see her again."
Sam sat up in the hospital bed and sighed. His children were all there… just waiting… waiting for me to die. It was unnerving. It was hard enough not to think about dying without being here, in this place, with all of them gathered, like this. He didn't understand that they had all been so far away when their mother left. He still didn't even know. "Can I have some ice cream?" He asked. Sammie nodded and left the room. "Y'all don't want to go along with her and get some for yourselves?"
Wagner said, "Yeah, why don't you all go and I'll stay here and annoy him, by myself. I don't think Dad and I have had much time together, lately. I'm sure you guys don't mind if I hang, huh, Mom?" Sam looked next to himself in the bed and sighed, again. Wagner smiled and waved to everyone else. "Bring me and Mom something, too!"
"Looks like I'm dying. I kinda hoped that we'd somehow go at the same time, like Sugar and Rory..." He heard Sam say softly. "I was thinking about what you told me about the day that Santana died. She had the love of her life by her side, even though they weren't together. Then, there was Sugar and Rory…"
Rory and Sugar weren't together and had not been, for years. But, the two of them did once say that if in fifty years, neither of them were married that they would take a cruise together. By the time they were 67, Sugar had been married and divorced a number of times and Rory had been married once, but his wife passed a few years prior. The cruise was on Sugar's boat and the particulars of their deaths had been uncertain. They both ended up drowning and it was presumed that one of them must have fallen and the other tried to help, when neither was able to reach the boat again. It was indeed sad, even though everyone was slightly glad that they had not each died alone.
"And don't forget Brittany and Artie," Mercedes told him.
"Yeah, but Brittany and Artie didn't die together. She died, then he died, a little while later," Sam said. "I don't hope that you die, Mercy – but I hope that I don't have to wait for you too long, in Heaven."
"I'm sure you won't, Dad," Wagner said. "You nor Mom would ever survive for much longer without the other. I'm sure that the two of you will be reunited quicker than Artie and Brittany." He smiled at them and leaned back, shutting his eyes.
"See how they butt in?" Sam whispered to Mercedes.
Seventy year old Brittany developed breast cancer, as well. She was one of those people who took the disease and lived with it, even on terribly bad days – she was happy and free. When she was in obvious pain, she didn't try to fake, but she was happy to have lived a full life. And the things that she had not yet accomplished, she and Artie took her last few months of life doing. She had some ridiculous and some virtually impossible things on her bucket list, but the seventy year old went hang gliding, water skiing, bungee jumping… "What's the worst that could happen? I'll accidentally die sooner and miss out on completing my list?" She asked her friends when they tried to object.
Mike spoke up, "Brittany's right. She's not giving up to the cancer, but why let it rob her of some things that she's always wanted to do, but never got around to doing?"
"Do you wanna come with me, Mike? Artie can't do some of the stuff because of his legs," she suggested.
"No. I mean, more power to you; but, I've never wanted to be a daredevil."
Brittany smiled, her teeth beaming as brightly as her completely bald shaven head as she said, "Are you sure? Artie's filming everything we do to make an inspirational documentary on how old age and disease don't mean that life is over."
Mike rubbed a hand on his friend's head and kissed her forehead, "You'll be an inspiration to a lot of people, but I can't do that with you."
"I understand," she said… Artie had used that little exchange as the very first thing on the screen of the documentary. Then, he showed the words: Best. Bucket List. Ever: The Last Days of Miss Brittany S. Pierce. When the scene came back, she was saying, "I never really thought of myself as anything that anyone else really thought or me. I've pretty much always been a unicorn." Then, the film really started.
At the end, she was sitting in that same room that she was at the start of the documentary. "I'm honestly not as in shape as I used to be, I guess because of the cancer. Now, it's painful to do common, everyday things, but even though real life hurts a whole lot; I've found out that I love happy endings more in real life than on television. On television, it gets confusing, because somebody might have made the happy ending up. In real life, you know the happy ending is real, because you see it with your own eyes and you feel it. I always knew that I would have a happy ending, and I got a chance to do all the things that I ever wanted to do. So, if you have some stuff that you really want to do, you don't have to let anything stop you. I didn't. Now, I can die all happy… have my happy ending and enjoy it." She smiled and said, "I am Brittany S. Pierce, star, friend, unicorn." She held up a glittery pink sign that read: The End.
She died a few weeks later, in a lot of pain and not even able to move. She'd had treatments, medication, both breasts removed, and still it kept spreading, until the end. Her lungs, and heart were both too weak to do much of anything by the time she wished the world farewell. Artie was extremely sad, but she assured him, "This is good, Artie. I'm gonna go plan the party and by the time you get there, Lord Tubbington, Santana and I will have everything all set up. Plus, you'll be able to walk in and your legs will never get tired. It's gonna be awesome," She told him and rested on his chest, in his wheelchair, whimpering in pain, here and there, but refusing to lie down in the bed. "When Santana died, we were singing. It was really awesome. But, I don't want to sing. I want to dance."
"You can't. You're too weak," he told her.
"I know, but you aren't. If I stay in the chair, it'll be like we're dancing together, one last time. Consider it one last final entry on my bucket list." Brittany looked up at him, with her eyes, still glimmering and kissed him on the nose. She put her head on his shoulder and let him give her a chair dance that lulled her to sleep, forever.
Artie told the story to Sam as he talked to him about the documentary that he worked on for Brittany. She would never see the finished product and that made him sad, but he wanted to be sure that this thing was given the attention that his work had not received in the past – for Brittany's memory. Sam helped him with that, making sure that a reputable company took the work in, with Quinn seeing to it that Artie was allowed to keep the artistic vision that would do Brittany the most justice.
Sam sighed and thought about Artie dying in his sleep a few short months after the documentary was released. Artie had been sick for nearly a year, having problems with his kidneys and he had not told anyone, because he had not wanted it to interfere with the sickness that Brittany was living through with her bucket list, or to distract him from his work on her documentary… Mercedes remembered thinking, God; that is some deep loving. Artie suffered in silence, to make sure that his woman shined in her last days. That sounded like something that Sam would do, easily. She always hoped that she went first, but they had already decided that they weren't going to discuss that kind of stuff. They avoided it more and more as their friends began dying.
Of course, of their friends, the hardest death for them had been Kurt's. It was kind of this unspoken thing that "Samcedes" and "Klaine" were like a couple married to a couple… or at least in a long distance relationship. It could have been because of Andrew, or it could have been because Kurt and Mercedes were "soul sisters," but the two families had always been extremely close, no matter how far apart they lived, and Sam and Mercedes' kids regarded Blaine and Kurt as honorary parents. They even often called them Dads… not Uncle Kurt and Uncle Blaine. They had even renewed their vows together, on Kurt and Blaine's 55th and Sam and Mercedes 50th (which technically was their 48th, but Kurt liked the poetry of 50 and 55 better) year of marriage…
Kurt and Mercedes had walked in, each one on an arm of the son whose very blood tied the two couples together, to meet the two handsome old gentlemen who waited for them at the altar, happy to dedicate themselves all over to the loves of their lives. That had been after Sugar and Rory were gone, but before Brittany was. Unique was no longer around. No one had kept in touch with her after Santana's funeral. Kurt and Mercedes got closer and closer with time, and when Kurt left, a part of her and Sam died with him.
Kurt had gotten sick – which really didn't happen very often, throughout life. He and Blaine took such obsessive care of themselves and each other that it was nearly unheard of for either of them to actually get seriously ill. But, Kurt got seriously ill and kept getting worse. All of their children thought that it would pass, but Mercedes was worried enough that she and Sam left Tennessee to go to Law Vegas, where Kurt and Blaine were still living, since their move some years earlier. Blaine still sometimes made appearances on stage. Kurt had not worked in years, but enjoyed a slew of hobbies, including traveling. He and Blaine had been on one of their trips when he initially took ill.
By the time that they got home and Kurt just seemed to do worse, Blaine was freaking out when he called his friends. But, when Mercedes saw Kurt, for herself, she urged him to see a doctor. Blaine had been trying, but Kurt presumed that Blaine was just being a worrier. When he went to see a doctor, they found out that his body had been confused by the sickness and when trying to fight it off, instead – was fighting healthy cells. His body was accidentally attacking itself and the damage was irreversible. It was time to call all of the Anderson and Evans children, to let them know. After that, it was time to let all surviving friends know.
Majesty, Wagner, Andrew and Winter were able to make it, as far as the children. Marvel was sad that he was out of the country, at the time. DC was in the middle of something, and Whitney couldn't make the trip, either, because of work. He and Blaine's adopted son, Petey came a little late, but eventually was there. Of the McKinley bunch, so many of them had passed that besides Sam and Mercedes, only Puck and Quinn and Mike and Tina were left and they all came, quickly.
Blaine was a sobbing mess on most days, making Kurt say, "Oh, will someone please get him tissues? Make sure it's scented ones with lotion." The truth was that the doctor told them that this process might be slow and long and that eventually, Kurt may be put on life support. "Ridiculous! Pull the plug," Kurt said, from the moment it was mentioned. "The money that you would spend on keeping an empty shell alive can easily go into my fabulous funeral." That simply made Blaine burst into a new round of tears. "Cedes," Kurt whispered, "I don't think he'll have the strength to handle it, so make sure that the arrangements are on point."
She nodded, as she wrapped her arms around Blaine and held him, from behind. Winter Rose had brought Kurt's dream funeral scrapbook with her from the house and he opened it, showing her and Mercedes different things. "You know, when I last updated this, I changed the floral arrangements. Winnie, get Dad a pen, will you, Princess?" He began to make notes, as excited about it as he had been about planning weddings. Mercedes saw it as a defense mechanism. It really hurt him to know that he would have to leave Blaine behind and that Blaine would have to watch him get worse, all the time until he faded away. "Rachel modeled her entire funeral after Barbra's of course. But, I don't plan on modeling an entire funeral after anyone else's at all… Make sure this is the EXACT material that they line my coffin with… Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure if I want caged birds. Free the warblers at the start of the service…"
When those waiting for it to happen became fewer, as their friends and family got more and more discouraged and saddened by Kurt's failing faculties, Mercedes, Sam and Blaine hardly ever left. When Kurt was gone, they cried together, holding each other. Sam and Mercedes stayed with Blaine as Mercedes and Winter made all of Kurt's arrangements. Marvel, DC, Wagner, Andrew, Petey, Sam, Puck and Mike were pallbearers, carrying Kurt's coffin on a decorative litter, and placed it into not a hearse, but a ballroom carriage, pulled by six white horses in fairytale garments and jewels. Sebastian and David rode with Blaine, Mercedes, Sam, Quinn, Puck, Mike and Tina, in the first family carriage. The kids rode in the next and the friends they made along the way who would be riding to the gravesite were in white stretch limousines.
Mercedes cried for days as she set up the dedication piece on her display. Kurt had helped her with all of the other tributes… now he was gone. "Sam… If I happen to die before you, I don't want a big showy display, here. Just…Frame the most recent photo that you have of me and set it next to Kurt's photo, in the center of his shelf."
"I thought we don't talk about that," he said.
She nodded and rubbed her nose against his, "I'm done talking about it."
Sam was sniffling. Wagner looked at him, "Dad, you alright? Do you need something?"
"I don't want to leave your mother like Kurt had to leave Blaine and I don't want her to have to go through years without me, like Blaine is doing." Wagner got up to give his father a tight hug. "Take care of her, Wagner. Don't let her be lonely."
"Dad, I promise you, PROMISE YOU, Mom will never be lonely, again," Wagner promised, now crying really hard tears, himself.
Wagner was seated on a swing when Mercedes came to find him, "Hey – you haven't said hardly a word to anybody since you got off of the plane."
"I feel bad," he answered honestly. "Mawmaw Mary and PawPaw Dwight knew they would be in love forever when they were twelve. Gma Christina and Gpa Marvin knew they would be in love forver when they were fifteen and you and Dad knew when you were seventeen and eighteen. I've watched all of you and I've learned what true love is and now, I'm thirty and battling with the woman that I thought I was going to love forever to see my own kid. She wouldn't even let me bring my boy to his great grandfather's celebration," he sniffled. "I have no idea what I did to make her so upset with me, Ma."
Mercedes sat on the swing next to him and said, "You're a great father and you're a wonderful man. She's most likely just mad that she hasn't measured up, so she's trying to punish you since it didn't work out."
"I don't ever want to fall in love again. This heartache and loneliness is just too much."
"Loneliness? Oh, Wagner – you have people who love you for who you are. I for one would love you no matter who you become. With that kind of love, you'll never be lonely again. It may seem hard, but that's why God made memories – for us to keep carrying others who are gone away. I'll think about Mama and Daddy for the rest of my life, but I hold a piece of them here with me and they'll never truly be gone, though I won't see them again, for a while."
"Ma, I am never going to be this content about losing you or Dad," he admitted.
"Why not? You'll see us again! We have the Lord in our hearts, we are heading right for heaven as soon as we part ways with this place," Mercedes commented.
"I think that it's that even though we know that we'll be with loved ones again in heaven, we also know that the world is an ugly enough place and we just would want to be able to have their beauty and light and warmth with us in it the entire time that we're here. I never want to have to live without your light and Dad's warmth. They have helped to shape my life and always been present." Wagner fell silent and continued to swing.
It took Mercedes a little while to answer. She wasn't ill or thought she would die soon (in fact this was a good fourteen years before she passed.) She eventually found a response for him, "Well, you just take those things and carry them inside of you, even after we're gone. Let that part of us live on through you and I promise, you will never be lonely again."
The others returned with the ice cream and settled in the room again. Sam had just about had it. The moment the doctor returned, he was going to demand to go home. Hell, if he was going to die, they could at least let him do it in the peace of his comfortable own bed or his trusted lucky chair. The entire building smelled and felt like death. He had gone through enough of it and really wanted to not think of it, any more. Soon, he might be thinking of what if Mercy died? He hated that sometimes recurring dream of him waking up next to her, dead and trying to get her help.
He would dream that she went peacefully, in her sleep, but his entire world fell apart and he tried to self destruct. Her wedding was beautiful and elegant, worthy of a diva, even an aged one, and the services were long, with several people giving dedications and singing songs. Puck and Blaine tried to console him and Quinn lost all of her cool when she reached the coffin. The dream was always frightening, because it seemed so real and it never changed. It was like a memory or maybe a prophecy… well, that certainly couldn't be so, now that his heart was failing him. But, God, did he hate having to face that dream!