My apologies. Again. Computer died. Again. But from now on I'm emailing all of my documents to myself so that they're safe because apparently nothing is safe when stored on this piece of junk. Unfortunately, the chapters I originally wrote are gone forever and although I tried to recreate them as best I could they're not quite the same. Nevertheless, I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Good news about the potential SON movie though right? I had my sister on the phone going on and on about it for ages.
It takes me almost a full minute to realise where those three words had been spoken from and if Spencer wasn't staring at me as though she was expecting me to speak I would never have believed that she'd said them at all.
She likes me?
Really?
As in the way I like her?
Wait…
"Do you mean -" I start to ask but she quickly cuts me off.
"Yeah. I mean." Is all she says in a breathless tone, almost as though admitting this is physically strenuous for her.
I know that she's expecting me to say something but at the present moment I'm too shocked to speak. Isn't this the same girl who legged it when I tried to kiss her just last night? And now she's here. Telling me she likes me?
"So... you like me like me?"
That may have sounded stupid but I have to make sure. I've been known to be wrong about these things before.
"Yes Ashley." She says impatiently, bouncing on the balls of her feet in what appears to be a nervous habit.
"How do you know?" I blurt out what's on my mind.
"What?"
"How do you know that you like me?"
Maybe I'm asking for too much but I really need to know. I can't remember ever feeling as insecure about myself as I do right now and I desperately need some kind of reassurance.
"Ashley, you can't expect me to -." She starts to say but trails off when I take a step towards her.
"Please." I would say that my tone is pleading but Ashley Davies doesn't beg.
"Well…" My eyes are drawn to the pale skin of her throat as she swallows audibly and I take another step towards her until I can feel the heat exuding from her body. "I know I like you because you're all I think about. I dream about you at night – shut up!"
Her outburst is a reaction to my suggestively waggling eyebrows. There was no way I could resist that.
"Sorry." I say with as much remorse as a person who's not sorry at all can possibly muster.
"And I guess I like you because you're, well…you're you."
"Your skills of observation astound me." I tease her because that's the only weapon I have in my arsenal right now.
It's not like this has never happened to me or anything. Girls are always throwing themselves at my feet but I've never actually felt anything for any of them. But this is different and if I'm honest, I'm completely out of my depth.
She's glaring at me now and I have no idea what else to say but it suddenly dawns on me that I'm a hell of a lot closer to her than I was a few minutes ago. So close in fact that I can see the tiny flecks of grey in her eyes just around the pupil.
I really want to kiss her right now.
"I really want to kiss you right now."
Shit.
I cringe and attempt to take a step back but a soft hand encloses my wrist, keeping me exactly where I am.
"Do it."
I tilt my head to look at her, surprised by her candour. I try to read her expression, searching for the doubts I'm sure are reflected in my own. I recognise several emotions shining in her incredibly blue eyes. Fear. Confusion. Vulnerability. But the certainty in her gaze is prevalent. This is what she wants.
And who am I to deny her?
My hand moves of its own accord, reaching up to cup her smooth cheek. We're both silent and the only thing I can hear is the blood rushing through my ears and the sound of my erratic breathing.
I feel myself instinctively begin to move forward, inching closer and closer until we're less than an inch apart. Her body is pressed up against mine and I can feel her heavy heartbeat mixing with my own. We stay there for a moment, teetering on the edge of what suddenly seems like a huge decision. And...
Fuck. A. Monkey.
I'm about to kiss Spencer Carlin. When the fuck did this happen?
My eyes are still open but I notice that hers have clamped shut as her face sets resolutely and she begins to lean in even further.
Wait...
I can't do this.
My hands act of their own accord, releasing her waist and coming to rest on her shoulders, pushing her gently away.
Her eyes snap open in confusion and she stares at me, waiting for an explanation for my actions.
"I can't." I stutter out because it's the only thing I can offer her right now. My mind still one step behind my body. And then it clicks.
"I'm sorry." I say taking a hasty step back, unable to look her in the eyes, knowing exactly what I'll see in them. She'll look confused, possibly angry, but worst of all she'll be hurt, like they always are when I reject them. But with Spencer it's different. I didn't care about those other girls; I don't remember their names or even their faces let alone their personalities. I didn't feel anything for them. But I feel something for Spencer.
Which makes it suck so much more.
"What do you mean you can't?"
I was right. I can hear the confusion in her tone, laced with a little anger. But most of all, I can hear the hurt. Her normally light and cheerful tone is wounded. And it really, really sucks.
"I can't." I repeat, chancing a glance at her. She's standing, her arms wrapped protectively around her own body as tries to glare at me and tries not to cry all at the same time. "I'm really sorry Spencer."
"Ugh!" She throws her arms into the air in anger and disgust. "I knew this was a mistake. Madison really was right about you."
Madison? What?
"What?"
"She told me that you didn't care about other people's feelings! She told me how you were cold and selfish and heartless, only giving a shit about your own gratification!"
"I told you I was sorry didn't I? I didn't mean to hurt you." I flare up, the mention of Madison Duarte's name getting to me immediately. "I feel really bad about it."
"You feel bad about it?" She all but yells at me, her blonde hair whipping back and forth as she gesticulates wildly. "How do you think I feel? This is what you do isn't it? Be all nice and charming and lead girls on and then humiliate them for fun? That's about right isn't it?"
"Exactly!" I'm yelling now too, in pure exasperation because she doesn't seem to be getting my point of view at all. "Which is why I couldn't kiss you just now! I'm no good for you. When it comes to girls I'm a fucking mess! Which is why this fucking sucks, because I actually do like you Spencer, I really do."
I see her fists clench and for one crazy second I think she's going to attack me until her arms fall limply to her sides.
"Whatever Ashley." Her voice is the epitome of dejected as she turns and yanks the door open. "It's my fault. I should never have come here in the first place. It was a stupid mistake."
She slips on her shoes and before I know it the front door closes with a snap and her footsteps fade away.
I get the sudden urge to run after her, to apologise repeatedly and beg for her to give me another chance to kiss her but I know I'd just chicken out again for the same reasons as before.
Standing on tiptoes I look through the glass window at the top of the door to see that she's vanished completely. Dora is still sat on the driveway, gleaming in the L.A. sun, meaning that Taylor is still around somewhere.
Crossing through the unnecessary large living room and through the equally as ridiculous utility area I see the back door is open.
I find Taylor at the top of the steps that lead to the decking and pool complex, a cigarette clenched between her lips.
I consider asking her to leave because I could really do with some alone time right about now but know that she won't be going anywhere until she gets to put her penny's worth into the situation.
Which is why I'm surprised that when I approach her, she merely removes the cigarette from her mouth and offers it wordlessly to me, pulling the pack out of her back pocket and lighting herself another.
I relish the few minutes of silence, letting the nicotine rush through my body and calm my still arrhythmic breathing.
"You heard?" I ask her, preferring to break the silence.
"I heard you yelling." She nods. "And then I heard her yelling. So I'm guessing it didn't go so well?"
"No."
"Gonna fill me in?"
I remain silent for a moment, watching her take another drag as she continues to face away from me, looking out upon the grassy expanse of garden with thoughtful hazel eyes.
"She told me she likes me."
She finally faces me, one eyebrow cocked and the other one furrowed. I'm so caught up in my thoughts that I don't even spare a thought to how no one should have that much control over their eyebrows.
"As in likes you likes you?" She asks.
"Yeah."
"Then why are you having a 'shit, I hate my life' fag with me and not getting your lady lovin' on with her?"
Shit. I do hate my life.
"Ash?"
"Because I sorta, kinda, pushed her away when she tried to kiss me."
"You did what?"
Both of Taylor's eyebrows have disappeared into her stupid Bieber fringe.
"I couldn't do it alright? Don't judge."
"Why not? Did you get, like, performance anxiety or something?"
"What? No!"
"Then why the fuck didn't you kiss the girl? You've only been sending her mooneyes for the last two months. All I've heard is Spencer this, Spencer that and you're telling me she was right there, ready and willing to kiss you and your balls dropped off?"
"No! That's not what happened, well it kind of is but -."
"But what Ash?" She interrupts me, stubbing her cigarette out rather violently on my polished wooden steps. "You like this girl right?" I nod. "Then why the fuck didn't you grab the opportunity by the balls and run with it?"
"Okay one, stop making references to balls. It's gross." I tell her because I'm starting to get a little bit pissed off. "And two, shut up and listen."
She appraises me for a second before nodding and offering me another stick of death which I gladly accept.
"Okay." I take a long drag, trying to process my thoughts and convert them into coherent sentences. "So I did kind of freak out. But the more I think about it the more I realise I did the right thing." Taylor opens her mouth to interrupt but I cut her off. "No, listen. Spencer's this sweet, innocent, catholic schoolgirl who's suddenly decided that she's a lesbian and wants to get with this rough, rebellious, unruly badass? What is this? A TV show? I don't think so. Those kinds of things just don't work out in real life. And even if she is gay do you really think that getting with someone like me is a great way to begin your rug munching days?"
"Point."
"Exactly. I've never even had a proper girlfriend for fucks sake. We'll be like two lesbian relationship virgins. And you know what two virgins equals?"
"Fumbling." Taylor nods wisely.
"Precisely. It'll be a mess. I don't know how to be someone's girlfriend. I don't know about that romantic, monogamous crap. Spencer deserves to be with someone who can show her the ropes and make her feel like a princess and all that. If I thought I was up to the job, I wouldn't hesitate."
I take a deep breath and send Taylor an imploring look, praying that she'll understand.
"I get where you're coming from Ash."
I can feel a 'but' coming and from the look on her face I can tell I'm not going to like it.
"But you like her."
"So," I shrug. "That's exactly why I can't date her. I'd wreck her."
"How do you know if you haven't even tried?"
"I just do. Taylor, shut up okay? I've made my decision already. And even if I hadn't I'm pretty sure Spencer's never even going to even look at me again."
I run a stressed hand through my hair and lean heavily against the wooden banister, remembering the crushed look on Spencer's face.
"She must have been crushed." Taylor reads my unhappy expression, knowing what I'm thinking.
"Yeah." I sigh. "I think she was. I don't know why. They'll be a tonne of girls lining up to get with her if she wants."
"But she doesn't want. Apparently she wants you."
"I don't know why." I stare glumly at my hands. "I'm nothing special. She could do better."
"Maybe." I feel Taylor pat my shoulder gently and the contact makes me want to cry. "But you're a pretty hot bitch Ash. And sometimes you can be a complete idiot but you're also a pretty stand up gal. In my personal opinion, Spencer Carlin would be fucking lucky."
Even though she just called me a bitch and an idiot her little speech brings unshed tears to my eyes. My conversation come altercation with Spencer has left me a little emotionally fragile.
"Thanks Tay." I choke out. "I just don't think it's gonna happen. But hey, plenty more fish in the sea and all that."
"That may be. But you'll find very few original 1974 Ducati 750 sport series on the road nowadays."
Only Taylor could find a way to bring motorbikes into this conversation but I understand her analogy. There may be more girls but there might not be many that I have such strong feeling for. This conversation has suddenly become extremely stifling.
"Look, Ash." She stares hard at me and I get that uncomfortable feeling that she can see right through my attempted hardy, untouchable facade. "I just don't want -."
"Stop." I put my hand up to halt what she's going to say next. "I swear to god Tay, if you're going to say something like 'I don't want you to live with regret' or 'don't let her get away' please don't. You've been reading way too many of those romance novels."
It's true too. I walked into Taylor's bedroom last week to find her reading 'Gone with the wind'. The fact that she was reading at all was enough to make me lightheaded with shock. I didn't even know that Taylor knew what a library was let alone where one was. The only thing Taylor reads are magazines, mainly about motorcycles and soccer but she has a huge pile of playboy's under her bed that she thinks no one knows about. So the fact that she was reading something with more than forty pages was an extreme oddity.
"Hey. Don't judge." She frowns at me. "Gone with the wind is a classic."
"Whatever Tay." I rest my head on my arms, suddenly feeling both physically and emotionally drained. I really just want to be left alone.
Taylor rests her hand briefly on my lower back before it travels up to give my shoulder another firm squeeze.
I turn my head to the side and raise my eyebrows at her in question but she merely gives me a small but genuine smile. She reaches into her back pocket and extracts the battered box of Marlboro lights, before leaving them by my head along with a disposable lighter.
"I'll see you tomorrow?" She questions and I nod gratefully.
She turns and walks back towards the door as I look back out over the garden contemplating whether or not I should get a beer or just start on the spirits. I always end up there anyway.
"And Ash?"
I spin around to see Taylor lingering in the doorway, her shoulder pressed against the doorjamb.
"What?"
"Promise me you won't get too drunk tonight? I don't think your Mum's pot plant can take another round."
Thanks for reading. Sorry for the wait. Next chapter will be up within the week. Promise.