Sheridens story.

I woke up fairly early the next morning. I let the dogs out in to the garden. Showered, dressed and even popped in to the model management office to pick up some paper work.

It was meant to be my day off. But I knew I wouldn't relax until everything was in its right place. I arrived home just before 11am. James was still in bed.
I stared at him for a while, even now after being with him well over a year his beauty still astounded me. I was so lucky to have him.
I went in to my home office and started working through all the papers I had collected.

After half hour or so I was graced by the presence of my adonis Greek god.
He had only a pair of grey sweat pants on. His hair was wild and his voice was unbroken from his nights sleep.

He is so handsome. My heart ached.

"Good morning" he chirped

"Good morning lazy bones. up in time for lunch then?" I smiled.

"Your bed holds magical powers over me" he laughed.

"Really? Just my bed" I gave him my sexy look.

He came and perched his beautiful body on the side of my desk.

" so...I been thinking about this kendall thing And decided that I'm gonna cook everyone dinner tonight."

"No, James I'm not having dinner with him" I protested.

"It will clear the air. We just need to hang out together and have a good time sheriden" he reasoned with a sympathetic tone to his voice.

"James. i dont want to..."

"Sheri, listen a minute...if kendall has issues over stuff then its not just going to be kandy teaze that won't make it".

"You honestly think kendall will quit big time rush?"

"I don't know but I do know that most of this is my fault, and I know that big time rush isnt ready to end yet. I'm not ready to end it yet sheriden" his voice was low.

"None of it is your fault. Never think like that. We would of ended up together regardless of everything" my own voice sounded snappy.

"I just feel I need to do this sheriden. We don't have to talk about the past. I know it kills you inside. But when was the last time we actually all Hung out for fun?"

"Kendalls 21st" I replied.

Kendalls 21st was the beginning of everything. James broke up with kacey and I got together with kendall.

I was so happy back then.

"Okay... okay you win" i raised my hands in the air to call it a truce.

"I love you sheriden. I'm never going to be with out you"

He kissed my head before announcing he was off for a shower.

James was in between a rock and a hard place. Kendall was his band mate, a brother, a best friend. And I was his girlfriend who he loved deeply. It must be hard to try and find a balance between kendall and I. so this was it.

Apparently kendall was more than willing to come round.
I would have been nervous but least James knew everything now.
I wondered if kendall knew i would tell James. Or if the whole wanting to come round was a cover up to pretend everything is ok.

James and I spent the day together in my garden. I loved days like this. Being normal. He made me laugh so much.

I loved to be with him. Even though I was 8 years older than him. He taught me so much from life.

I could never bring myself to even think about what would become of me if James ever fell out of love with me. It didn't bare thinking about .

Soon enough James became busy in the kitchen. Preparing some pasta dish. He was a good cook. James was one of those people that was good at pretty much anything he put his mind to. His intelligence always amazed me.

The door chime rang just before 7. James let kendall in. I stayed in the garden on my own for several minutes before kendall walked out and sat next to me.

I was conciouse that James could See us through the kitchen window.

"Hey" he said as he sat down.

" hi" I smiled.

"About last night..." kendall began

"Kendall please not now"

"I do need to talk to you about him"

"I can't talk about it kendall. I've shed my tears and want to forget it"

"Why do you want to forget it?"

"The pain... I can't take the pain"

Kendall put his arm round my shoulders.

"I'm sorry kendall. Its just the way I cope with it all."

"Sheriden. I'm not coping. I don't know how to cope."
I shrugged off his arm.

"I'm on the edge sheriden" as. kendall said it he pulled out a small packet from his pocket.

"What the fuck is that?" I said knowing full well what it was.

Kendall had produced some drugs.

"It's me... coping" he replied dryly.

" you haven't done that before. Where did you get that shit from?" I mocked him. Looking at the heroin he held in his hand.

"No not yet but if I have no one to talk to about our son..."

"that's why you wanted to come round? To force me to talk to you? To threaten me with doing something stupid like that"

"I'm honestly on the brink. I can't hang on any longer. I've got no one sheriden"

"hand that shit over and I will talk all you want. Just promise me you won't get anymore. It's not the road for you kendall" I couldn't risk kendall getting in to that lifestyle.

"You survived it" he protested

"The only reason I survived is because of Carlos' family. You know that."

Kendall handed me the packet. I put it in my jeans pocket.

"Promise me kendall"

"I promise"
I put my arm around him this time. even though i felt he was never going to take the drugs. he must be at his last straw if he feels the need to wave them at me, knowing the problems ive had in the past.

i had a cocaine habit for 3 years. most the time i took it to block out the terrible childhood i had. but eventually i took it to forget the mess my life had become. i couldnt let kendall feel that low. even if it meant i had to go to the deepest depths of my own despair to talk about our baby.

First chance I would get that shit in my pocket was going down the drain.

James came out. He looked happy that his plan of dinner looked as if it was working.

the meal went well. James came up top trumps with a delicious meal. the three of us mostly talked about the big time rush tour they had just finished. that was a safe conversation.
it was difficult to talk about the good old days with out stumbling across mine and kendalls breif relationship, me and james getting it together or the baby.

james cleared the table and kendall used the bathroom.

"im going to talk to him. he is in a bad way james. i had no idea just how bad."

"really? he seems fine right now though huh" james took me in his arms

"yeah. im just worried he is going to do something stupid, so its worth me going through the pain if it means he avoids some serious problems."

"what do you mean serious problems? whats he done now?"

i could feel the heroin in my pocket like it was made from stone. i couldnt tell james about that.

"he hasnt done anything. im just worried he might. did you want in on this chat or...?" giving james the option of staying was important. i knew he wouldnt but he had been through the entire situation from start to finish. so he was involved even if kendall didnt like it.

"no, i'll take the dogs out" he kissed me on my fore head, just as kendall walked back in the kitchen.

"coffee?" i asked kendall

"sure" he nodded. knowing the time he had been waiting for for so long was almost here.

james said his excuses and left my home with his 2 dogs.

i sat down opposite kendall at my dark wood table and passed him his coffee.

"so lets get this over with" my words sighed out of me. dreading the pain that was about to be released in to the open.

"why cant you talk about it sheriden?" he started off with.

"um... im not sure. i guess i just like to put problems away in a little box and try to forget them. its not just the loss of the... baby... that kills me. when i think back to that time. its the pain of you, and us, and the nightmares of that crash. its everything... i was in pieces"

"do you talk about the baby with james?" he looked down at the coffee mug in his hands.

"no. he used to try but... i wasnt very forthcoming with my emotions. last night was the first time we had spoken about it in so long"

"you told him i came round?" he looked surprised.

"yes. i had to... james is worried about you too you know its hard for him to be stuck in the middle"

"its harder for me to be stuck on the outside sheriden" he paused to take a breath "i've got no one to talk to about it. no one knows he even existed"

"carlos does"

"yeah but carlos is yours again, james is yours. i have no one apart from you and you shut me out the minute you and james got together"

"i didnt shut you out kendall. i kept my distance. i didnt want to rub your nose in it. i knew you still loved me."

kendall took another deep breath

"look lets not start going on about james again okay... i want to talk about our baby. i feel so guilty. i have so many what ifs going on in my head i cant breathe properly. its my waking thought near on all the time"

"kendall i said this to you before. you cant change what happened. you just have to learn to deal with the reality"

"but i cant deal with it. if i had just of taken you to that clinic then the crash would never of happened and our son would be here now"

my heart swelled with fear as the memories came flooding back to me. the tears began rolling down my face.

"sheriden. i dont know how to move on"

"it wasnt you fault kendall. its just life. it happened" my sobs became louder.

"you must of thought the same thing though. if i drove it would all be different" kendalls eyes welled.

"of course i have. i wasted hours dreaming away with scenarios of us having a baby. but he's gone kendall. its all gone. i was so happy up untill that bloody canada trip. i loved you so much..."

here it came. the one thing i didnt want to happen. i was losing control of the feelings ive tried so hard to bury and forget. my voice came out high, and broken with cries in between
i carried on.

"you fucked it all up. you fucked that slut and my heart died. the pain i felt..." i crossed my arms over my chest. the pain was still very much real.

"im sorry im so sorry. everything i said and did i didnt mean sheriden. i loved you, i loved our baby. everything happened so fast for us. i didnt know how to control any of it" tears escaped from kendalls eyes as he spoke.

"do you blame me... for the baby? i need to know sheriden" he reached his hands over the table and they met with mine.

i looked up in to the eyes of the man that i had once so deeply loved. did i blame him?

"no... i dont blame you... not for the baby" i wiped my face. my throat felt thick with emotion trying to hold the crying in

"really?" he asked

"honestly. its crosses my mind what would of been if we hadn't of lost him all the time, but ive never felt blame towards you" i looked kendall straight in the eye. i meant what i said.

"you would of been an amazing mom sheriden" kendalls own fantasy visions of us being parents glinted in his eyes as he spoke.

"would of had to of been... to try and tame his hair if he took after you" i cried out a small laugh.

kendall smiled and ruffled his own hair that always looked a mess but at the same time looked amazing.

"im sorry about everything kendall. the whole james thing"

"paisley said to me last night that everything happens for a reason, and james is your reason that balances out all the bad things that have happened to you"

"you told paisley? i thought we agreed to not tell anyone?" i looked at kendall through my red puffy eyes

"i know. and im sorry. she wont say anything. i just needed someone to listen, and she offered."

"are you two a thing now?"

kendall smiled
"no. that was a mistake, and its all been sorted out. just friends. and besides she has a boyfriend"

"paisley is very pretty kendall. you havent dated anyone for... well since me"

silence fell on us.

"im just not ready to let that go yet" he confessed.
kendall got up from his seat and came and sat next to me. he wrapped his arms around me. as i sat with my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent that had once smelt like home. the pain in my chest got worse. tonights chat had opened up so many things i didnt want to think about, and now having kendall hold me in his arms, i couldnt contain it any longer. sobs ached out of me for the loss of so many things. kendall and the baby and jay were the ones that hurt the most.
i felt for sure my heart would break. but the pain just kept coming along with the crying.

"sheriden come on its going to be okay" kendall held me tighter, and probably realised then why i avoided talking about it for so long.

i was a mess now, i was shaking and the tears were uncontrollable. it was almost a howl that was coming out of my mouth.

"sheriden im so sorry" was all i could hear kendall saying.

"sheriden?" james had returned.
kendall let go of me as james came and took his place.

"what did you do?" james hissed at kendall.

"we talked, thats all. she's having some kind of break down" kendall walked over to the sink, his voice sounded scared.

"sheri come on baby calm down" james pleaded with me. his face looked scared too.

"sheriden drink this" came kendalls voice. he had carefully placed a glass of water in my hand but it slipped out and smashed on the floor.

james left my side to clear the glass away and kendall picked me up from my seat and carried me in to my living room. he sat me down on the sofa and just held me.
james came in and sat on the other side of me. he took my hand as i sat there in kendalls arms.
i felt the crying would never cease but eventually came the time that nothing more could come out. i felt exhausted.

"sheri baby?"

my head pounded from the tears, my chest still ached away.

"whats wrong with me?" i asked

"nothings wrong with you sheriden. you needed to get that out. tomorrow it will all seem better i promise" james' voice was calm and reasurring. i wished it to be true.

i looked at kendall

"im so sorry" i said to him.

"sheriden dont say sorry. youve got nothing to be sorry for" came his reply and he kissed me on my forehead.

"i should get going" kendall announced.

"sure" said james' reply. i just sat in silence. i pulled me knees up to my chest trying to make the ache go away.

"sheriden im sorry, so sorry for this" kendall stroked my hair back from my face as he stood up.

i looked up at him
"its not your fault, just you being here, and talking and..."
i started crying again.
"im sorry" i wept

kendall kissed me on the head and james walked him out to the door. i could hear them talking, but none of it sank in. i was too busy trying to make the pain go away inside my chest.

james walked back in, sat down and pulled me in to his arms.

"cmon, lets get you to bed" he said as he pulled me over to him and lifted me on to his lap.

james carried me up and laid me on my bed, i didnt move, didnt get undressed just lay on the covers.
we didnt talk. he just laid next to me and stroked my face. looking in to james eyes was the last thing i remember. my exhausted body fell to sleep.

i woke up early again the next day, i ran myself a bath in the ensuite, chucked yesterdays clothes on the bed and got in.

my body ached from all the crying i had done, and my back hurt too.

james woke up and came in to check on me, he pulled the lid down on the toilet and sat down.

"how are you feeling today" he asked

"numb at the moment, but i feel like crap. im so sorry for yesterday. i dont know what happened to me"

"dont apologise sheriden. you find it difficult to deal with. look at your life. its not exactly been plain sailing has it. you'll be fine. dont worry"

the home phone rang. who could that be this early, it had only just gone 5am. james walked in to the bedroom to answer it.

i listened in to the one way converstation .

"hey carlos. hows florida?"

"no why?"

"what?"

"how did they find out?"

"really?"

"fuck sake! no i will take a look."

"no not yet. its really bad timing los'"

"kendall? no, i can do though... shit what a mess"

"ya thanks buddy. okay bye"

james hung up the phone and walked back in to the bathroom and sat back on the closed lid toilet.

"sherri. listen to me okay. dont freak out on me. nothing is gonna happen okay, i wont let it"

i looked up at james, my eyes wide. what had happened? his voice on the phone sounded like some one had died.

"is kendall okay?" was my first question, last thing i needed was him trying to top himself.

"kendalls fine baby... its kacey" i looked at james puzzled, whats kacey got to do with anything?
james continued.

"kacey has sold a story on us sherri"

what could kacey possibly know that she would get given money to tell her story?

"kacey doesnt know anything about us?" i argued

"she does, i dont know how but she knows about the baby and... now everyone knows about the baby. its on the news sherri"

i just looked at james. what was he trying to tell me? what would kacey know about my baby?

i got out the bath and wrapped myself in a towel, i went in to the bedroom and got my phone to look on the internet.

headlines: sheriden lloyd aborts schmidt baby for life with maslow

new reports have come in that ex runway model sheriden lloyd had her baby aborted amid rumours that she wanted to leave then boyfriend kendall schmidt of big time rush, to start a new relationship with his fellow band mate james maslow.

i couldnt read any more
James took the phone from my hand. He read the article.

"Sheriden, I swear I didn't tell her a thing. I haven't spoken to her at all since we split up"

"It was paisley... kendall told paisley" my voice sounded strange. Robotic almost.

"What? Why would he tell her that."

"I don't know. Paisley must of told kacey" I stared in to space. I was in shock

"Sheriden. I'm going to sort all this out baby. Will you be okay for an hour"

"Sure" I lied.

James quickly got dressed and left my house.

I felt sick. My body had no emotion left to pour out. The pain in my chest felt so severe. How was I going to survive a media circus.
I couldn't even handle talking to the father of my baby.
What could I do. Where could I run?

As I stared in to space I realised the answer to all my problems sat in my jeans pocket.
I looked at them for a long while before taking out the small clingfilmed package.

I casually walked down stairs with it and rummaged through my kitchen cupboards untill I found what I was looking for... a syringe. It was meant for my cortisone injections after I broke my foot in the car crash. But I had hardly used the stash i had been given. I grabbed a spoon from the drawer and a lighter. Then went up stairs to the bathroom. I got some cotton wool and started to cook up kendalls heroin.

sat on the bathroom floor i realised something
kendall was wrong. Everything that had happened in my life hadn't lead me to James. It lead me to this.

As I injected the heroin in to my arm I left the pain behind.