Hetalia © Hidekaz Himaruya
Warning: I think it's called smut!
Reader: And now she tells us...
Still working on those request! Honestly, I never thought I'd get so many!
Review please~!
Where do babies come from? Asweet little boy, the age five years old, thought to himself. He had started wondering about this ever since he heard his father talking to his mother. He was outside playing when he got thirsty, it had been a hot summer day in June. So after going back inside of his house to find his mother, he could hear his father saying some odd things he's never heard before in the living room. From what he could see, peeking around the corner that led into the living room, his mother was blushing.
Something about making more babies using his awesomeness. He felt scared when his father said he'd "eat his mommy up", then "banged her until she was screaming his name". Why would his daddy do that to his mommy? He must be a monster pretending to be his daddy! He wasn't going to let that thing hurt his mommy!
Picking up his Star-Wars lightsaber, also putting his darth vader helmet on for protection, he made his way outside to where the monster was washing his real father's car. Soon there, he quietly tiptoed towards the hose pipe's back end. The monster hadn't noticed him, instead it was humming the song 'Because I'm Awesome'. Since the monster wasn't paying attention, (Son's name) stepped on the hose pipe, stopping the water flow.
"What the hell? Was my awesomeness too overwhelming, so it made the water stop?" The monster says in his arrogant voice that sounds a lot like the little boy's father. Holding the hose pipe's front to his face, the monster tried looking through it's hole where water should be coming out. What he didn't count on, was being shot down by water gushing out, "HOLY HELL!" pounding his face in like a bulldozer, making him flip backwards onto the ground with a loud thump.
"Hahaha, now die, monster!" (Son's name) came charging at his victim, lightsaber held high as he let out a battle cry of. "Kesesesese!" The monster didn't have time to think when he was suddenly being beaten over the head by a plastic toy he knew all too well. It didn't really hurt, but when the little boy hit his 5 meters of awesomeness with that toy, did it make the monster go cross-eyed.
"Scheiße! Awesome son, stop hitting your awesome dad with that damn thing! It's not awesome!" The monster said, trying to grab hold of his son's deadly, or so he thinks, weapon. Also, trying to keep himself from falling after getting that painful low-blow to his 5 meters.
"You're not my awesome daddy! You're a monster!" He yells, landing a blow onto his victim's forehead, leaving a bright red mark. The monster growls from frustration, swiftly grasping his son's toy, making him struggle when he's being held over the monster's shoulder, kicking and punching at it's back. "Let me go, monster!"
"Calling me a monster is not awesome, so I'm taking you to your Mutti!" Said person just so happens to already be there after returning home from shopping, laughing at everything that had happened between her son and husband. She giggles as her husband lightly blushes from embarrassment, knowing that he didn't look very awesome with that red bump showing clearly on his forehead. Sitting his son back onto his two feet, the monster fumed.
"(Name!) Did you see how un-awesome that was? Teach the kid some manners!"
"I could say the same to you, Gil..."
"HEY! Don't hate on my awesomeness just because you don't have as much as me!"
"Hate to break it to you, but I am so much more awesomer than you!"
"Are not!"
"Are to!
"Not!"
"Am!"
"Not!"
"NOT!"
"ARE!"
"HA!"
"DAMMIT!"
While they fighted like mature adults, the little boy watched with amusement written all over his adorable face. That definitely was his awesome daddy. He must have been possessed by an evil monster, but luckily, his daddy was saved by the awesomely cute, (Son's name!) Smiling happily, he tackled his mommy in a bear hug. Well, more like a tight embrace to the leg, but it's something along the lines.
"Mommy! I'z thought Daddy was a monster who wanted to eat you! But don't worry, I'z beat the monster outta him for ya 'cause I'z awesome, Kesesesese!" He said, sounding awfully like his father when laughing his own awesome laugh.
She knelt to her son's level, ruffling his hair as she smiles sweetly. He's so much like his father, making her wonder just how she's able to put up with their overwhelming awesomeness.
"Sweetie, why did you think Daddy was a monster that wanted to eat me?"
"Because I'z heard him say he's gonna eat you up, then bang you till you're screaming!"
The poor woman blushed tomato's to shame, while her husband began laughing like there's no tomorrow.
(You: Le time skip!
France: How about instead of skipping, we pass the time by having-
You: Falcon punches France out the window Le pow!)
Your POV
It's been a few hours since your son had 'saved' you from being eaten by his father. You had warned Gilbert about talking to you inappropriately when your son was home and not at school, or visiting his friends/family. But of course, Gilbert brushed the warning off, saying not to worry. Even now, he'll talk about such things, knowing that his son is nearby. You might just have to buy some duct tape for that cocky, loud mouth!
Pushing the thought aside, you walked into your son's room where he is watching "Ninja warrior". Oh god, this never meant any good. Which reminded you to scold Kiku for letting him watch it when he was baby sitting.
"Hey, Mommy! I'z wanna be an awesome ninja, too! Watch dis!" You watch alright, with horror when your son runs out the room, climbing onto the stairs handle's. Raising himself into a standing position, he poses as if he were surfing. And before you had the chance to pull him into your safe arms, he begins sliding down at a quickening pace.
"I'z friggin' awesome, glitches! Kesesesese!" He yells with two hands held high in the air, peace signing.
You scream, rushing as fast as your legs could go. You felt your heart beating faster than a racing car, fear running marathons throughout your whole body, knowing you'll most likely not be able to catch him in time.
When all hope seemed to be lost, your husband came into view. Seeing his son about to fall face first onto the ground, Gilbert's eyes widen as he sprints to save him. Without noticing, you were both heading in the same direction at full speed, eyes only on your stair handle-surfing son. We all know what this is leading up to...
BAM!
Your son lands safely on his two feet, on top of his father, who is halfway on your left side. Both of your heads felt like they'd explode at any giving moment, while your son started hopping up and down. Causing Gilbert to gasp from pain shooting down his lower back.
"I'z awesome!" Your son declares proudly, jumping off his Daddy while laughing happily.
Growling somewhat, Gilbert helps you stand before going to yours and his son. Lowering himself to his son's height, he places his left hand onto your son's shoulder. Looking him straight in the eyes, he gave him a mad yet relieved look. Relieved that he was uninjured, but royally pissed off that he almost gave you a heart attack.
"That was awesome, but scaring your Mutti half to death is not! And don't think I forgot about earlier today, I'm still upset with you for hitting me in my awesome regions!" Your husband scolds, for once actually being serious.
"Pfft, you mad?" (Son's name) replies, pushing his right shoulder up while his head tilts also to the right side upward, grinning.
"THAT'S IT!"
You sigh, watching your husband chase him in circles, the whole time your son is laughing. You could feel the headache coming back, full forced. Massaging your aching temples, you say in a worn out tone. "How about we all get something to drink since it's pretty hot outside? (Son's name,) want some milk?"
"Heck yeah, Mommy!"
"Beer for me, baby!"
When you were all sitting quietly in the kitchen, drinking your beverages, you thought everything was finally at peace. You were drinking tea, Gilbert had his beer, and your son was drinking cold milk out of his sippy cup that had the Prussian flag on it. As you and Gilbert were swallowing, your son thought now was the right time to ask something he's been wondering for a while.
"Mommy, Daddy, where do babies come from?"
Cue loud spiting and choking.
"W-W-W-W-WHAT?" You stutter out, eyes widening to the size of beach balls. Your shocked gaze goes from (Son's name) to Gilbert, giving him a panicked look, not knowing what to say.
"Well, Sohn. It's when two people think the other person is sexy, so they fu-" Not letting Gilbert finish that sentence, you slap the back of his head.
"D-Don't tell him that!" You frown angrily at him before turning back to your son, giving him a nervous smile. "You see, dear...Uh, they come from..." You gulp, not knowing what to tell him, so you let your imagination do all the talking.
"One day, Flying Mint Bunny will show up, and you'll fly away screaming "Pastaaaaaaaaa~!" Then, Feliciano shall show up with the...HERO a.k.a Alfred. Alfred will ask for a cheeseburger, but start crying when you both only say "Pastaaaa~!" Arthur will call you all bloody gits, in which you'll both have no idea what that means. After that, Lovino tells you all to shut up, calling you stupid jerks. While all this is happening, Ivan is thinking about how much fun it'll be when we all become one with Mother Russia, going "Kolkolkol~" And somewhere far away, your father will be yelling "I AM AWESOME!"with his awesome laugh. Then, Flying Mint Bunny makes a baby appear!"
Your son was looking at you excitedly, while Gilbert was giving the 'What the hell? Are you high and can I have some?' look.
"But Mommy, how are the babies made?" He asks innocently, tilting his head curiously.
"The awesome me can tell you! It all starts with my 5 meters of awesomeness, and your Mutti's vital regions. When I invade her vital regions with my 5 meters of awesomeness, my awesomeness goes into her by-" WHAM! BAM! POW!
"SHUT UP, GLIBERT!"
"What is ' vital regions', Daddy?"
"Something I invade every night with your Mutti's, Kesesesese! When you're older, you'll find a hot frau to invade, too!"
You grab Gilbert by the neck, soon putting him in a headlock. Your son is highly amused by this, watching as you pin Gilbert to the ground, pushing his face down so he couldn't speak another word. Glancing up at your son, you giggle nervously.
"I-It's getting late, time for bed!"
"Awww, but I'z not tired! My awesomeness is still wide awake! And I'z wanna know what vital regions are!"
"It's your Mutti's-" You smack Gilbert's head, pushing his face back down.
"Go to bed, sweetie. I'll let you visit uncle Ludwig tomorrow."
"Yayzers! I'z can show him how much more awesome I'z is!"
You give him a hug, and kiss to the cheek, goodnight. When he's out of sight, you finally stand up, letting your husband as well. Sighing, you're lucky it was his bedtime or you'd never hear the end of it, and might have murdered Gilbert. Can that guy not understand a five year old should NOT learn of anything he said moments ago? Forget duct tape, you need to sew his mouth shut! Hell, even that wouldn't stop him.
Going to yours and Gilbert's bedroom, you begin lifting your shirt, wanting to change into more comfortable clothes for bed. The shirt was halfway up you when two strong arms embraced you from behind, helping you pull it off. After the shirt was thrown somewhere neither of you cared about, you feel smooth hands trailing up your exposed stomach, making delightful shivers go through you when they stopped right underneath your breast.
"Ya know, talking about your vital regions turned me on..." He whispers onto your neck, leaving butterfly kisses as he starts nipping at your sweet flesh.
"Even when it's your son asking about them...?" You try not moaning out your words, feeling his hands trail further up your body. He walks you towards the bed, tripping you with his foot so you'd fall onto it. Hovering above you with that lustful look you've seen many times since being married to him, he leans his head next to your ear, giving it a light nip before gazing back into your lovely eyes.
"When it comes to you, anything mentioned about your sexy vital regions turns me on. Ich liebe dich, (Name.)" His low, deep, husky voice makes your head spin with great pleasure, making you feel heat burn inside of your body like an inferno. And since you were shirtless, it would only be fair for him to be as well. So running your hands through his hair, you pull him into a heated kiss.
Letting your hands fall from his Platinum Blond locks, you hastily begin unbuttoning his dress shirt without breaking the lustful kiss. Successful in nearly ripping it off him, you press your hands onto his chest, flipping him. "I love you, too..." Now with you straddling him, you run kisses feverishly down his body, causing low moans to bubble up into his throat. You also notice, after reaching his lower half, that his 5 meters of awesomeness seems to be getting tighter, begging to be released from it's confinement.
Lightly laughing, you crawl your way back up so you were eye-to-eye with him. He cups your cheeks, kissing you roughly, yet softly. As the battle of dominant's began, you found yourself back under him. Only this time, his eyes held much more lust, along with passionate love for you that made warm shudders take over your senses. Feeling him bite at your tongue, running his hands in places that only he had rights to, moaning became screaming.
"Your vital regions are about to be invaded over, and over again by my awesomeness, Kesesesese~"
Extended ending.
"Mommy, I'z heard you screaming! Are you okay...OH MY SQUAREPANTS! DADDY REALLY IS A MONSTER TRYING TO EAT MOMMY!...Why are you not wearing clothes, though?"
"I invaded your mommy's vital regions!"
…
…
…
"MY AWESOME EYES! AHHHHHHHHH!"
Well, there goes half his childhood of non-nightmares.
Sorry for any errors! I'm so sleepeh right now! I couldn't do his accent...It's just...just...Too freaking awesome, dammit! Oh man, I was listening to France and Prussia's ten minute laugh challenge when I started writing the end! And as for this, who else thinks Prussia's kid would be just like him but worse when older? Germany thought one Prussia was enough but now he's got this to deal with. Ha! Japan baby sitting, that's something I'd love to see! Oh yeah, and I finally got to order Hetalia: World Series 1 - Season Three with meh money! Also, this America Plush! My mom kept saying...
"Is that a doll?" Which I'd reply.
"It's not a doll! It's the hero!" Then she'd say...
"What? And what are you going to do with a doll?"
"Be hero's!"
She gave up after giving me the "What the hell?" look.