Calla

Even though the castle was virtually empty, over the next week, I didn't see Snape except for at dinner. I figure he was taking the time to either catch up on grading papers and/or sleeping or else he was just avoiding me, which I really had no problem with. I wasn't going out of my way to find him especially after what had happened Christmas. I figured he was just as embarrassed as I was. He had after all, ingested a fair amount of tequila. When I had woke up the morning after, he was gone and the fireplace was dead, looking as cold as I had felt. I figured he'd gone off to his private quarters, where ever those were. I slunk off, ashamed even though the worst thing that could've happened didn't. The fact that it almost had didn't help.

To while away the hours, I spent my time reading novels, taking full advantage of the nearly empty common room. The only person who appeared to have stayed was a boy called Anton Gilbert, who was in the year below me. He was also my replacement on the Quidditch team. I sort of resented him for it but even I couldn't deny the fact that he was good looking. He was muscular with broad shoulders and a narrow face that seemed to always be smiling. His smile seemed to take over his features, brightening his face and sending a friendly glint to his clear blue eyes. Of course, when he smiled at me, I found it hard to smile back because I was a petty bitch and didn't like him because he'd turned out to be a much better Beater than I was. Tara was pleased with him and I doubt that if I had stayed on, our team would've made it as far as they had. The thing was, I don't ever remember him trying out for the Quidditch team when I had because he surely would've beaten me out for my spot or at least the other Beater, a stupid bloke we just called Desmond. I'm not sure if that was his first or last name. I'd never really cared enough to clarify.

On New Years Eve, I was sulking behind a book when Anton entered the common room with a bottle of champagne and a couple of crystal glasses. I was vaguely aware of him approaching me and when I realized he had, I sank further into the sofa, trying to avoid him. He, however, didn't let my antisocial behavior deter him.

"What?" I snapped finally when I had enough of him hovering over me. He looked a bit affronted by my tone.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to share a New Years drink with me," Anton said and held up the bottle. I raised an eyebrow.

"Why?"

"Er...it's a tradition? Why do you have to be such a cow about it? I'm only trying to be nice."

Now it was my turn to look surprised. Anton seemed like a nice fellow. I never expected him to put me in my rightful place.

"Sorry," I grumbled. "I just meant, why me?"

"Do you see any one else around?"

Fair point. There wasn't really any one else around and to be perfectly honest, a drink sounded nice. I needed something to take my mind off of Snape and Kalinda and what exactly was going to happen after the Holiday was over. I scooted over on the sofa, inviting Anton to sit down next to me. He went to work filling the glasses and then we waited in silence for the final minutes, then seconds of the old year to run out.

"Cheers," I muttered and raised my glass in a toast to him once the grandfather clock struck midnight. He clinked his glass against mine and we both took a sip in unison.

"So," Anton said after he drained his glass and refilled it. He then topped mine off. "Got any resolutions?"

"Nah," I said. "Not really. I know I'm going to break them if I even try."

"I'll drink to that," Anton said with a smile and then raised his glass. "Here's to not disappointing ourselves."

"Can I ask you something?"

"What's that?"

"How come you've never tried out for the Quidditch team before?"

Anton shrugged. "I liked watching you play, that's all. Truth be told when Finch came around saying they were replacing one of the Beaters, I was sure it was Desmond and jumped at the chance to be able to play with you."

I smiled at that, thinking he was just trying to flatter me. But it did make me feel better about him being my replacement. Maybe that's what he was trying to do.

"In all honesty, I think you're doing better than I ever did."

I expected him to be modest and deny it but instead he just shrugged. "We're both better than Desmond. Finch was stupid for kicking you off."

"She didn't kick me off the team. I quit," I said with a frown. Anton gave me an odd look.

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"Circumstances," I explained with a shrug, trying to avoid the question. I hope he would take it at that and leave it. Anton did not get a chance to respond. The fireplace flashed green suddenly, causing me to jump up and scream, dumping my champagne all over Anton, who stood and spluttered, shocked by the sudden shower.

"My office, now, Bigsby," Snape's head said and then disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared.

"What the hell was that about?" Anton said, looking bewildered. "What in the hell did you do to the greasy bastard this time?"

"I don't know!" I said. His guess was just as good as mine because Snape did sound pissed off. Then again, he generally just gave off that vibe. I knew it had to do something with the other night which just made my knees weak with fear. Surely he didn't want to go another round. That was just as scary as anything else, if not more so. But somehow I doubted he wanted another go. As nice as it was, I didn't really want to repeat the experience, not until Kalinda was out of the picture at least.

I apologized quickly to Anton and bustled off towards the dungeons, knowing that if I delayed, I'd regret it. When I finally made it to his office, Snape was sitting at his desk, scowling at a stack of papers he was grading on his desk. He pointed at a chair, silently commanding that I sit down. I preferred to stand just in case I needed to run but I couldn't rightly disobey him outright by remaining standing. I was too shook up to be a right little cunt.

Three minutes passed and then five without him even so much as breathing in my direction. I started to get a bit agitated. Why was he so adamant about me coming down here if he was just going to ignore me? I fidgeted in my seat and cleared my throat. Nothing.

"Oi!" I cried. He finally looked up at me. I glared at him. "Why in the fuck did you call me down here if you were just going to ignore me?"

"I'm sorry," he said. "I got caught up in what I'm doing."

I rolled my eyes. But now that he was looking at me, I could tell that he was troubled which left me feeling more than a little unsettled.

"If this is about the other night..." I said.

"Of course it is," he snapped. "Why in the hell else would I require your presence? Because I enjoy it?"

I bit my lip. That actually sort of stung. "So it didn't mean anything?"

Snape sighed as though he were terribly burdened and closed his eyes. "I'm not saying that at all. I don't want you to think for one iota that it didn't mean anything because it clearly did. I just know that you harbor that idiotic Hufflepuff loyalty and I wanted to ask you not to say anything to Kalinda."

"Oh," I said. Of course he wasn't going to ask me. He would command it and threaten me, more than likely. "I thought that was pretty much a given."

"So you weren't planning on telling her."

"Of course I was. And then I was going to beg for my life afterwards. Look, Professor, I can't pretend that I betrayed my friend and you can't pretend that you pretty much cheated on your..." I wasn't sure what Kalinda was to him. It would be awkward and strange to call her his girlfriend. He didn't strike me as the type to have a girlfriend, regardless if he was seeing anyone or not. "The point is she told me herself she didn't like being lied to. And I can't pretend things are normal. She'd pick up on the fact that something is wrong eventually."

"I'm fully aware of that," Snape said quietly. "I know her a lot better than you do which is why I think it best that she hear it straight from me."

"Why?" I inquired.

"If I'm honest with her and tell her before you get the chance to, there's still a slim chance that she'd forgive me and decide to not give me the boot."

I felt my blood run cold as my heart shattered into a million little pieces, as stupid as that sounds. I don't know what exactly I was expecting.

"What about me?" I whispered.

"I can't rightly give up Kalinda for something that may or may not work out," Snape replied. "What I have with her is solid."

"How would you even know that what we have isn't solid if you aren't willing to take that chance?"

"I'm afraid I'm not much of a thrill seeker."

"Well, that's just fantastic," I said bitterly. "I've put a lot on the line here, too. This isn't just about you. I should've known better than to throw myself at your mercy. I should've seen this coming from light years away!"

I hopped up and kicked the chair with as much force as I could possibly muster. It went skidding across his office before landing on its side. It came to a halt right next to the fire place. That's when I noticed that the bed of blankets he'd laid out for us was still there, untouched, as though it had only been a few hours ago that we were in each other's arms, nuzzling each other and kissing. The sight of it and the memory made me want to cry.

"It was never my intention to hurt you and despite what you're thinking now, I wasn't just using you. What happened was a serious lack of judgement on my part."

"Yes but you mean so much more to me than just that," I said as I brushed a tear away. "You're all I think about any more."

Snape just shook his head. He couldn't even look me in the eye, the coward. It's not that I wanted to ruin things between him and Kalinda but part of me hoped and most of me ached for the fact that he'd think that what he had with me was so much more than that. Apparently it wasn't and I couldn't fault either of them for that. I just wished I hadn't gotten dragged into the crossfire. If anything, what had happened on Christmas probably just rekindled what he felt for her to begin with. They were also having sex when I had made it clear that I wasn't exactly comfortable with having sex. What man would give up some one who would have sex with them for someone who wanted to wait?

"I'm sorry, Calla," Snape said.

"Yeah," I replied icily. "I'm sorry too."

"Don't be that way."

"I don't have time for this bullshit," I muttered. "I'm leaving. And don't you think that for one iota that I'm going to come crawling back to you."

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"And don't think that I'm going to allow what happened to happen ever again so don't even try."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

I hoped he'd at least beg me to be with him despite the circumstances. I'm not sure that I would've but the fact that he wanted to hold onto it would've given me hope. At least he was merciful and didn't give me that hope. I probably would've been naive enough to fall for it. So, I left without another word, feeling extremely heavy and more than a little sad. I went to bed and vowed to stay there until the new term began.

Kalinda

The last couple days of the holiday were torture for me, and at that Professor Bell wasn't even around. When I woke the morning she had already gone, something about having work to finish up at the school. I felt sickened as I felt she had probably left to avoid being around me. I almost wanted to crawl back into bed and never see anyone again. As the holidays drew steadily to a close, I much less wanted to go back to school.

And it wasn't only because I was petrified about seeing Professor Bell after the kiss fiasco. The truth was, I didn't want to get back to the school as it meant that I would have to go back to seeing Snape and Calla who was in love with him or something. However, I supposed it couldn't be as bad as being at home with Able around. I felt partly guilty for kissing his girlfriend and I couldn't really stand being around him as I also partly resented him for having this amazing, brilliant, kind woman at his side and he taking her for granted. I was practically seething with envy to the point that my brother started to notice it. I think he shrugged it off and thought I was merely angry with him for whatever reason and was trying to make up for it by trying to make me laugh, and doting on me. It made the guilt feel worse, and that was saying something considering that my conscience is caged deep inside me in a dungeon made of thick cement and shrouded in darkness through which the only light and air that can penetrate it is through a teeny tiny, barred window.

However, either way you looked at it, I was going to be in hell, so I thought that I may as well return to school. On the long train ride to Hogwarts, I leaned back against the seat with my eyes closed and told myself that freaking out was only going to make matters worse. That seeing Professor Bell was inevitable, but I should simply ignored and avoid her when not in the classroom setting. Or perhaps I should tell her that the kiss meant nothing and that I did it simply to keep up with a typical New Year's tradition.

I frowned at this. First of all I wasn't sure I could bare to speak to her, especially not about that. Second of all, I'd never be able to lie to her and tell her that it meant nothing when it still made my head spin to recall it all those flutters in my stomach become revived. Besides, would she ever believe that I was only doing it to keep up with tradition when she caught me practically running away from my entire family? Merlin, of course she would believe that. She's not a bloody idiot! I sighed as I banged my head against the compartment for being so stupid. It was better to try to simply go on business as usual and avoid her when necessary.

However, that didn't take away the dread I felt, which of course made the ride back to the school a lost faster than it would have been had I been indifferent or looking forward to returning. As we pulled into Hogsmeade and took the carriage ride to Hogwarts, I continue to think about Professor Bell and feeling horror at the thought of seeing her. However, when a view of the castle came into sight, my thoughts suddenly turned to Severus, who in a way I'd forgotten about. I hadn't forgotten that our relationship, if you could call it that, was falling apart and that I suspected Calla was in love with him. What I had forgotten to consider was what in the hell I was supposed to say to him about the fact that I had kissed Professor Bell?

I felt my stomach twisting into knots as I frowned. How could I fail to think of this? Immediately I knew that I couldn't tell him I had kissed Professor Bell, the thought of that was not only embarrassing as it implied I was gay or bi, but could also jeopardize her. However, if I told him I kissed someone else, I'm pretty sure he'd be pissed and take it out on me somehow. I didn't think he'd be pissed because he cared but because he was a possessive jerk. And I'd never live it down and even though I hated the thought of being at Hogwarts for much longer, I couldn't afford to be expelled and I didn't want school to be a bigger hell than it was!

I bit my lip and pressed my head against the carriage window. I wanted to slam my head against it because I wasn't sure what the hell I was supposed to do, but refrained from doing so as the class might possibly shatter and cut my forehead. Besides I didn't want to look like I demented nut to the people I was sharing the carriage with.

I chewed on my lower lip as we drew steadily to the castle. Perhaps I could avoid Severus long enough to figure out whether to tell him or not. I pulled away from the window and closed my eyes, leaning my head back and taking a deep breath. Above everything I had to make sure to remain composed. I had a damn reputation to uphold and I wasn't going to allow anything to ruin that, especially not in my last fucking year of school.

The carriages finally pulled up to the school and my eyes snapped open. I set my mouth into a straight line as I forced every thought out of my head and steeled my nerves. All I had to do was get to the dorm, avoid the only people that existed in my life, and I was home free to rationally think everything through and come up with a course of action that would most benefit me. I was competent enough to pull off the simple task of getting to the dorm with no incident. With that thought in mind, I felt calmer, and as soon as the carriage door was open I graciously stepped down, praying to Salazar Slytherin that I came across no unforeseen obstacles.

XX

I got to the dorm without incident and lay in bed with the curtains drawn around it to think. I skipped lunch and dinner, because I didn't want to see anyone just yet, especially not Professor Bell. However, despite all the time I spent in bed, wracking my brain, it wasn't enough. Not long after dinner, I was summoned by Severus to his private quarters. As I made my way through the dark corridors in the dungeon, I chewed on my bottom lip and clenched and unclenched my fist I my pockets, wondering what in the hell I was supposed to say to him. It didn't help any that the dungeons were freezing and the cold made it hard to come up with a solution that hadn't come to me in all those hours in bed.

I knew why he was summoning me. Probably to have sex, after all we didn't usually go so long without sex. However, I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him with the matter of kissing Bell hanging over my head like dumbbell, held over it by a flimsy piece of string that would snap any second and kill me. However, unless I said something about kissing someone else to him, Severus would find it odd that I was abstaining from sex. I rarely abstained from sex, because I really rather enjoyed it, and Severus would know something was wrong right away; though, despite all that, I was terrified of saying something to him because he was a vengeful arsehole and wouldn't hesitate to make my life a living hell.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in only to be guided to his leather-clad couch and gently pushed to sit down on it.

"I've fucked up, again," he said frankly as he sat on the coffee table before me, while holding my hands in his. He wouldn't look me in the eye and kept his gaze on our hands. It took a moment for what he said to process in my brain, but when I did I pulled my hands away from his grasp and narrowed my gaze on him.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I stared at him suspiciously. He slowly raised his eyes to meet mine and for a moment he seemed to contemplate what he should say, before speaking in a bit of a rush. My eyes slowly became imperceptibly larger as he went on, my stomach tightening into knots. I started to feel sick and my mind was in a whirl, but I tried very hard to concentrate on keeping my face stony and unemotional.

"Bigsby came by to see me on Christmas to drop off a bottle of tequila... her parents sent them to all of the Professors. She stayed for a while and I had a little too much to drink and... I wasn't thinking straight, Kalinda, you have to believe that," he said in a rush before looking at me imploringly. I guess I was doing a better job then I thought at not demonstrating how sickened I felt by the sight of him because he was searching my face with what looked like desperation and seemingly not finding anything to give him encouragement.

I breathed slowly, waiting for him to go on, but it seemed he was done. I waited a moment, to ensure my tone of voice would remain steady before glaring at him. "And? What did you do this time, Severus?" I snapped in irritation.

"Well we kissed... we didn't go very far!" he said, as his cheeks became blotchy red. I raised a brow at this. I swear, I wanted to slap the snark and arrogance and everything that was him out of him viciously. However, I merely stood up and walked away, crossing my arms over my chest and clenching my fist underneath my arms. I shut my eyes as I looked up towards the ceiling, which in the darkness of the dungeon could not actually be seen.

"Be more precise Severus, I don't want any nasty surprises in the future. You don't have to go terribly into details, just tell me more, because I don't think all you did was kiss," I said, keeping my eyes closed and still facing away from him, trying to keep my anger at bay. I could feel tears gather behind my closed lid and mentally told myself that I shouldn't fucking be crying over this arsehole who was supposed to mean nothing more to me than a good time.

"I'm not sure, its a little blurry at the moment. We didn't have sex. We kissed, heavily..." he stated, pausing, completely uncomfortable it seemed with talking about it... or perhaps he didn't want to get to into details because if he said he was practically devouring her face I wouldn't feel at all inclined in even thinking of forgiving him. Considering he's the head of Slytherin, I was more inclined to think that was his reasoning. "I think I may have fondled her chest a little, but that was all," he said and as he spoke I could hear him approaching me. I turned only slightly and raised a hand to stop him from getting any closer to me. I think he must have understood and stopped some way away from me. I still refused to look at him as my mind spun with a heavy onslaught of thoughts. It was like a mudslide in my head and I was having trouble thinking of much. All thoughts seemed to be blurring together while I tried desperately not to lose my composure.

"So... I imagine you're telling me in the hopes I'll forgive you?" I managed to ask, though to my ears my voice sounded very far away. For a moment, I wasn't sure whether I spoke aloud or if it was just a thought. 'I hope you never allow a man to treat you any less than like a queen.' Rashaun's whispered words repeated themselves over and over in my mind. There were other thoughts attached to this, wondering how I could allow Severus to step all over me like this. Wondering how I ever forgave him. Wondering how he could expect me to forgive him for this when I knew that in all likelihood, it wouldn't be the last time he betrayed me. And I hated him and myself for it, but I tried not to think of all this lest it incite my tears anymore and the tightening in my stomach became unbearable wishing for the release of the bile rising inside of me.

"I know you value honesty. I'm being honest with you. I don't want to lose you," he said in a low tone, his voice soft and somehow wafting through all the thoughts in my head. My heart panged. In all honesty, I wasn't ready to give him up and when I thought about it... I had betrayed him over the holidays too. I kissed Professor Bell and though I wasn't sure if it was me who had initiated it, if I was the one to blame, but I knew that what I'd done was somehow worse, because I wanted Professor Bell with all my heart... and though that really had nothing to do with sex, it was perhaps worse because I felt I was in love with her.

I sighed and let my shoulders slump lightly as I looked to the ground, pushing away all the thoughts except for those that debated whether or not I should tell him about kissing Professor Bell. Turning around slowly, I looked up and gazed at him. I wondered if I looked guilty to him for a moment, but discarded that when considering I didn't feel that guilty about it to begin with. I felt even less guilty about it now when I thought of the fact that he had made out with and gotten to second base with Calla. Actually, perhaps I even felt vindicated by having kissed Professor Bell. I wondered if that hadn't happened, how torn up and angry I would have felt about it. Now, I was only annoyed that I had agonized about it all for no reason.

"Fine... I'll let it go this time but I swear to Salazar Severus it's the last damn time," I said, deciding that I wouldn't tell him about Professor Bell. What was the point? So he'd feel justified for what he did? So he could have the right to be equally pissed at me for it, or... more so considering what a possessive and irrational jerk he was? This year was already hellish enough year to add Severus' wrath to it. Besides... what if he went after Professor Bell's' head? She was least to blame in all of this.

As it was, he was raising a brow suspiciously at me. "Just like that?" he asked, sounding surprised I was taking it so easy on him. I raised a brow as I looked at him and crossed my arms over my chest.

"Not even. I'm reserving the right to give you my demands at a later time and you will agree if you want me to fuck you again," I said, before whirling around and making my way toward the exit. "Good night," I said without looking back at him as I left to ponder just what my demands were going to be and just how I was going to deal with Calla, however, for the moment I supposed that latter issue depended on whether or not Calla planned on being honest with me at all, or if she would be a coward and not say a word about it to me.

Getting back to the dorm, I merely lay back in bed, either thinking or reading. I actually didn't really get out of bed except for bathroom trips and showers. I didn't bother to go to the Great Hall for any meals, being as I was terrified of seeing Professor Bell and holding that off until it was absolutely unavoidable to see her, which wouldn't occur until Defense Against the Dark Arts if I could help it.

Considering it was Saturday, I wasn't really all that hungry by the time Monday came around and classes started up. So I once more abstained from eating, I could really go several days without eating. I was kind of used to it. Not because I had a messed of view of myself and thought I was a cow. No, its just that I can't eat if I get angry, or upset. I'm not sure how people can stuff their faces when they are. However, I can't. So I suppose I had a built up endurance. I'm not sure how long I could go before the hunger pains would get bad, being as the longest I'd ever gone thus far was about four days. I wasn't sure that that would be necessary considering, returning to classes meant wandering the halls and running into Professor Bell.

It was unnecessary to worry about, being that I didn't see her around. I wondered if that was simply because she was not around to be seen, or if she was avoiding me as much as I was avoiding her. I groaned inwardly, wondering if perhaps it had been me that had initiated the kiss and now she loathed the thought of seeing him. However, I supposed if she were avoiding me, then at least I wouldn't have to work so hard at avoiding her. Unfortunately, I did cross paths with my cousin and I shot a glare at her to remind her not to breathe a word of what she had seen. In response her eyes widened in horror and she grasped her throat and hurried on her way, her friends eyeing her like she was queer as they sped up to catch up to her. I smirked, happy the little chit was scared of me. It was one of the perks of being considered a cold, heartless, ruthless Slytherin.

Unfortunately, I had potions at the end of the day... so there was no avoiding Calla or Severus for that matter, who had I hadn't seen since the evening I'd gotten back to the castle. I hadn't yet made up my mind with what I wanted from him, only that I felt the need to our respective power-positions, as I saw it, I was entitled to be the one in the power-seat considering he kept fucking up. However, I made sure to arrive early enough so I wouldn't have to see Calla right away and be situated by the time she got to class. Snape didn't approach me, and I didn't expect him to considering that he would never do so when class was about to be filled with students.

When class started and Calla finally came in, late, I tried my best to concentrate on the lecture. However, I did momentarily raise my brow in curiosity and without looking at her, only seeing her in my peripherals. She was supposed to be sitting in the seat nearest to Snape, not next to me, however, I don't think Snape would dare sit her near him again, so he said nothing about it.

From time to time, I wondered whether or not Calla would say anything to me. Thus far she seemed intent on concentrating on the lesson, which was fine with me. However, the lecture did not take the entire class time, which gave Calla the opportunity to talk to me about it if she was going to, because I certainly was not going to breach the subject considering that she was the one that had perpetrated the situation... besides, it was a test to see if she was going to be truthful with me, a coward, of just another sleek, untrustworthy chit like the rest of my housemates. In the meantime, as I did almost any time we were given "study time" in class, I instead chose to sketch in my sketchbook. Usually teachers frowned at this, and Snape especially was one of the Professor's that would not abide it, however, I knew he was not going to say anything to me. He never did since our "affair" started, so long as it wasn't during the time he gave lecture or we were supposed to be making a potion.

When Calla at last decided to speak, I continued sketching, wondering whether she was going to tell me about it. She seemed to be giving me the runaround, which frankly gets on my nerves. I'm a Slytherin, I can run circles around people in conversations. I was relieved when she at last gathered the courage to get straight to the point, and was pleased to see that she was being honest with me.

However, I couldn't help clenching my jaw in anger when she actually described the event. I felt momentarily like a knife had been jabbed and twisted in my guts as a momentary flash in my mind made me picture the event. I made myself get over that before turning to look at Calla and responding, or else I would've been likely to claw her eyes out and feed them to her in my rage. I was slightly amused that she was so worried about telling me like I was going to bite her head off right there in the class.

When she apologised, I didn't rightly care for her apology. If it was sincere, she wasn't sincerely sorry for what she should be sorry for, but because Snape had rejected her and she did something morally ambiguous for nothing. If Snape had cut things off with me, I'm sure she would have not felt so guilty about it because in the end she'd gotten what she wanted. It's really the Slytherin mentality, the end justifies the means.

I loathed thinking of Calla this way, because the sole reason I talked to her was because I expected her to be much different from my housemates. But being as I'm cynical, it's hard not to think that way about anyone. That isn't to say that I thought Calla was a bad person. She was simply human, and the fact that she had the courage to be honest with me, really said something about her character. I couldn't really blame her for what she had done, considering that love makes one so irrational and forget about the world. The heart or perhaps simple longing tossed out the window all the rules of society and humanity.

As for Snape choosing me over Calla... well my cynical mind provided the response for this as well. Calla, I was pretty sure, was a virgin. She wasn't going to give it up to Snape anytime soon and being that I inducted him into the world of sex, a world he only really discovered first hand the previous school year, I was sure he wasn't ready to give it up just yet.

When Calla asked me if we were all right, I wondered why she asked, considering I didn't think I'd given any indication that we weren't so I merely repeated what I'd already said to her. Thinking that I didn't want to give her the impression that she could do whatever she pleased to me with no repercussions so long as she told me about it, I warned her as an afterthought that I did have my limit.

Calla

The morning of the first day of classes, I finally skulked into the Great Hall. It was abuzz with chatter. I was so used to it being quiet that the sound of everyone being back was almost too much for me to handle. Somewhere, Kalinda was eating with her fellow classmates. I wondered if Snape had said anything to her yet or if I should keep avoiding her until she confronted me or if she would confront me.

However pressing matters were, I didn't get much of a chance to really ponder on them. Tara approached me, looking troubled. She sat down beside me and gave a large sigh.

"I guess I've really got to swallow my pride here," she said. "The thing is, I know I haven't been very friendly toward you within the past few months which is why I understand if you say no."

"Say no to what?"

"Desmond's just been to see me. It seems as though he's failing Transfiguration and his mum isn't going to allow him to play anymore. She seems to think he should spend more time studying than practicing. I honestly don't understand her priorities." Tara didn't seem to notice when I raised an eyebrow at her. "I'd rather prefer it if you joined again because I honestly don't want to have to hold tryouts again."

"I'm not really sure if I should-" Before I could finish my thought, Tara held her hand up.

"Before you make a final yes or no, just let me apologize for the way I treated you. I am sorry but you should be fully aware that being a Beater is risky business. I could put you in better safety gear if you like, but it'd slow down your flying."

I wasn't sure what to think. I missed Quidditch but at the same time, I wanted to avoid any sort of mishaps that could potentially involve Snape. I looked down the table and Anton, who wasn't sitting far away and was obviously listening in. He was beaming at me and giving me the thumbs up sign. Part of me thought that perhaps he had something to do with this. Now that I thought about it, I had seen Anton supposedly tutoring Desmond toward the end of last term. The thought made me snort. What an absolute Slytherin thing to do.

"Honestly, Tara, I was just a bit butt hurt because of the Snape thing," I said. "So, I guess I'm in."

"That's my girl," Tara said and threw her arms around me. Honestly, I should've been a lot more pissed off at her than I was for the way she treated me but in essence, Tara was a good girl and had never really done me all that wrong before. She was so excited that she actually walked with me to the first class, Transfiguration. She chattered and told me about her holiday and how she'd met the perfect girl for her who just also happened to be muggle, so she was torn apart. Considering how my holiday went, it all seemed petty to me but I listened as much as seemed polite. As selfish as it sounded, I rightly did not give a flying fuck. I had bigger fish to fry.

Unfortunately, my potion lesson was scheduled for the end of the day which consequently made time come to a screeching halt as I just wanted to get it over and done with. I had a hard time actually entering the classroom. I watched as everyone else filed in, chatting gaily with one another. I just stood there, unable to make my feet move. Every part of me told me to just walk off and not even bother with going in but my dignity seemed to be in dire need of rescuing.

Snape didn't make any comment when I walked in a full minute after the final bell rang. Normally he would have sneered and taken points away as I had a bad habit of not being able to show up on time on a frequent basis. I caught his eye for a split second and then took a seat in my usual spot, next to Kalinda rather than the desk closest to Snape where he had sat me previously. I figured he would have pitched a fit about me sitting next to her if he hadn't told her about what had happened on Christmas. The sad part was that I still felt that clenching feeling in my chest whenever I saw him. I was supposed to feel angry at him. I tried to feel angry at him but I just couldn't bring myself to feel anything other than sad. Sad because I was sure I lost Kalinda as a friend but mostly sad because I couldn't have him.

Snape started in on a lecture about having to work extra hard this term because it seemed as though we were nowhere near prepared enough for N.E.W.T's and that it was our fault because we didn't pay near enough attention. Of course there was no encouragement in his lecture that the rest of the teachers liked to give but that was Snape for you. Gloom Gloom Gloom. I wasn't complaining however. As long as he talked, I didn't feel compelled to talk to Kalinda. I wanted to apologize to her but I wasn't sure if I could or if she would even take it. As wrong as it seemed, I was hoping that upon hearing the news that she'd chuck Snape. Luckily, he carried on with his doom speech for most of the class period, until about five minutes til and then we were supposed to keep our mouths shut and review our notes and text. I took some of the opportunity to study Kalinda, who was using the time to sketch. She didn't seem angry towards me but she wasn't really making an effort to be friendly which is how it normally was anyway. I thought for a fleeting second that maybe she was oblivious to what had happened but something told me that she knew.

"So..." I started. "Er...Did you happen to talk to Snape since you've been back?"

She didn't even look up from that sketch book of hers which sort of irritated me. "Why?"

"Well...being as it was a couple of weeks..." I bit my lip. God, I was such a coward. "Sorry, that was sort of uncalled for. I was just wondering if he told you about anything specific that happened while you were gone."

"Such as?"

"I'm afraid..." I winced and looked back up at Snape. He was watching alright but he was just as unemotional as Kalinda was. "I went to see Snape Christmas and things sort of spiraled out of control. We snogged. Quite a bit actually, but the point is that it was all unintentional and I didn't go see him expecting to seduce him."

I waited for her response, which I was sure would be a slap or something equally violent. I would've deserved it. I was just hoping she'd go easy on me and not damage anything vital that would keep me from playing Quidditch next match.

I saw her jaw tighten and then she looked up at me finally. "Yes, he mentioned it. I'm glad you grew the balls to tell me. I mean if you're going to snog someone... that's attached, no point being a pussy about it," Kalinda said with an amused smirk as she turned back to her sketchbook.

Relief immediately flooded through my body but I knew it wasn't quite over yet.

"I really am sorry," I muttered. "It was a giant mistake anyway. I should've known better. I should've figured he would choose you over me."

"That baffles me... however, you shouldn't apologize, considering you're sorry because you got the short end of the stick, and not because you may have possibly betrayed me or caused me pain," Kalinda replied dryly.

"I'm not going to lie," I said. "But I did feel awfully guilty because you and him are together. You are still together aren't you?" I couldn't keep the hopeful edge out of my voice but I wasn't really all that great at being deceptive anyway.

"If together is what you'd call what we've had thus far, then yes, I suppose we are."

I nodded. Thankfully I wasn't harboring too much hope on that one. "So...are we good then? I mean, you don't totally hate me do you?"

"I told you, as long as you're honest with me, we're good," Kalinda said. She looked up from her sketch for a moment and then added thoughtfully, "Although, that doesn't give you the privilege of continuously trample over me. I do have my limit."

"Of course not," I said. I gave her a small smile. "I think I've learned my lesson anyway."

TBC...

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