Kalinda

I continued to avoid the Great Hall and so continued neglecting food, in order to avoid Professor Bell who I hadn't even seen in the halls, much to my luck. As for Severus, he was surprisingly waiting patiently for me to come to him. I did one evening, but it was simply to tell him that the only condition that I had for him, was that from now on, that I will be the dominant one in our "relationship". That in the limited scope of time in which we would have sex, he'd wait until I came to him when I wanted it, and not the other way around. He didn't seem particularly pleased by this, however, he chose to clench his jaw shut and merely nod in response. I suppose he realized that he had no other choice considering it was either succumb to being the submissive one in our "relationship" or he could refuse and I'd simply chuck him.

I didn't have sex with him that night, considering I still couldn't get over what he had done to want him to be touching me. However, I did feel slightly better that it meant I could put him in his place even if it was only just a little. Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last long considering that DADA was steadily approaching and so to the inevitable confrontation with Professor Bell. What made things worse about that, was that since I hadn't eaten for several days, it was really starting to get to me. I was beginning to have trouble paying attention in my classes because my stomach kept growling as it ate itself. My head started to hurt in a very dull, but aggravating manner.

When the day of Defence class came around, I was walking at an extremely slow pace to class. Not solely because I dreaded being in her presence again, but also because my head was kind of spinning that I thought I just might collapse, not to mention my stomach was hurting so much because it was so empty. There were times that it hurt so much that I simply wanted to curl it, because I felt that I stood erect, it hurt more because my stomach felt as though it were being stretched out and its emptiness was harder to ignore... usually I had to curl around myself until the moment passed, and lord it was such a relief when it did.

As soon as I stepped into class, I tried to hold my head up straight and act as nothing ever happened, a task of some difficulty considering the fact that I was currently experiencing one of those moments when my stomach most ached, but I managed. Luckily, Professor Bell was preoccupied straightening out something on her desk, standing with her back to the class. As soon as I got to my table, I gingerly slipped into my seat, dropped my bag on the floor and immediately placed my head on the top of the table and wrapped my arms around my middle. My hair covered the sides of my face as it was loose today, and it was relief, because now I could scrunch up my eyes at the pain.

I suppose I was so focused on trying to will away the pain, that I didn't notice when class had started or what was going on around my surroundings. When I finally noticed, it seemed that class was half-way through and apparently Professor Bell was calling me to attention, something I would have noticed if someone hadn't elbowed me in my ribs. "What?" I snarled as I lifted my head only slightly and looked to the girl sitting next to me on my right. She motioned with her head to the front of the class. Slowly, I straightened in my seat and had to momentarily shut my eyes to stop the spinning in my head. When I opened them, I felt a very sharp pain reverberate through my head, but I ignored it as I looked questioningly at Professor Bell.

"You seem to be having trouble staying awake in class today, perhaps you should come and make a demonstration to keep you awake," Professor Bell said, not unkindly, but definitely with a ring of slight irritation in her stern, Professor tone. I had trouble, keeping my eyes focused on her and ignoring the pain in my head.

"I rather not," I said flatly, not because I was being disobedient or because I didn't want to be near her, but I thought my body was at the moment far too weakened to attempt any practical magic.

"I wasn't asking," Professor Bell responded as she motioned for me with her hand to come to the front of the class. By the tone she used and by the look on her face, she meant business. I sighed as I steadily got to my feet. For a moment, I felt as though the floor wobbled beneath me and I gripped the desk in order to steady myself. I don't think anyone noticed as soon I slowly made my way to the front of the class, trying to keep my sight steady on the point I was approaching.

It's not as easy as all that. Half-way up the aisle, my head really started playing tricks on me. The light seemed to go out for a millisecond before burning bright, which really did a number on my balance. I paused and shut my eyes, wobbling on my feet and having to grab onto the nearest desk. For a moment, I raised a hand to my head, as though holding it would stop its constant spinning. I heard Professor Bell call my name in a questioning tone, but her voice sounded miles away. I could hear footsteps coming up the middle aisle and looked up quickly to see what it was. HUGE mistake.

The quick movement of my head set off the spinning all the more, and my grasp on the desk slipped as my eyes once more blacked out and I could feel myself falling. I could hear a couple gasps before my consciousness slipped away into total darkness. I suppose I must've passed out because when I came to, someone was holding me in their arms and was passing a piece of cloth over my nose. As I slowly regained consciousness, I wasn't aware what it was, but only that it had a strong smell and made my nose sting, so I turned my head to try to get away from it, but the scent seemed to persist and followed me.

I didn't want to open my eyes though and I couldn't exactly think straight for a couple seconds, I was only aware that my lower back and legs were laid out against something hard. I could feel my upper half raised slightly and my head lolling against something slightly slim. On my right side I felt myself tightly against something warm and soft and feel something grasping onto my right arm tightly. I groaned at the smell and turned my head to my right and pressed into something soft, which smelled rather lovely, like freshly cleaned laundry, with hints of something flowery.

I wanted to sleep and be lulled to sleep, but I could hear someone calling my name. Slowly, I turned my head once more and slowly opened my eyes. The light stung them for a few seconds, but when I fully opened them, I could see that Professor Bell was holding me in her arms, and that we were on the ground and Calla was standing looking over us, looking rather sick. I thought that she might pass out any moment and somehow managed to raise a brow as I looked at her, when the sudden realization of who was holding me, started to make my heart pound.

Immediately, I tried to sit up and get out of her grasp, but Professor Bell didn't relinquish her hold on me. "Slowly, Kali, don't move quickly, you could fall again," she said as she aided me to sit right. I momentarily forgot about the fact that she held onto me, as I sat and held my head in my hands. My head still hurt, and all my hunger pains were slowly returning. I heard my stomach suddenly rumble very loudly and felt my cheeks burn slightly at the sound.

When I opened my eyes again, I refused to look at Professor Bell or Calla and turned to look around the class, only then remembering we'd been having class and wondering just how many people were staring at me with owlish eyes and gossiping about what happened. I was rather startled when I found that the classroom was empty of my classmates. "Where is everyone?" I asked as I slowly turned to look at Professor Bell and attempted to once more get out of her grasp.

She still held onto me. "I dismissed them all, I asked Calla to get the alcohol in my desk drawer," she said as she then turned to look at Calla. "Calla, are you alright?" she asked as she furrowed her brow in concern. Slowly I turned my gaze to look at Calla, who looked like she was about to pass out herself. She was extremely pale as she stared at us with her eyes open wide and filled with horror. In response to Professor Bell, she merely nodded her head. "Well then you're free to leave, thank you for retrieving the alcohol from my desk," she said, to which Calla merely nodded and turned to go.

I raised a brow from where I sat, propped up, wondering what the hell was wrong with Calla. Considering she had seen grisly injuries due to the fact that she played Quidditch, I was rather confused as to why she looked so sickened when I only fainted. "What's wrong with her?" I asked Professor Bell when Calla was out of earshot and closed the door behind herself. She walked like a zombie.

"I'm not sure, she seemed kind of freaked out when you fainted. When I dismissed everyone, she seemed unable to get out of her seat. Since she remained behind, I asked her, loudly and various amounts of times to get her to snap out of it, to retrieve the alcohol bottle in my top drawer. I thought she might faint herself or regurgitate," Professor Bell said as she continued to watch the door with a furrowed brow as though her thoughts were still on Calla and wondering if whether or not she would really be all right.

For a moment, I watched Professor Bell, wondering why she had dismissed the entire class simply because I fainted. However, when she suddenly turned her concerned gaze back to me, I felt my breath caught in my throat and wondering if my blush was starting to show. "Kali, are you alright? Why did you faint?" she asked as she stared at me with her big blue eyes.

I had to look away from her, and when I saw her hand still on my arm, while her arm was wrapped around me, I tried to get away once more. "I'm fine. I just got a little dizzy. I haven't really been eating well, I suppose," I said as I finally managed to get away from her arm and started getting to my feet. It wasn't working out very well, I stumbled and almost fell, however, Professor Bell who was standing behind me placed a hand on either side of my waist and held it and helped me get on my feet, stabilizing my seemingly precarious balance. "Thanks," I muttered as I got away from her hands as quickly as I could and grabbed onto the desk before me for support before dusting myself off, thankful for my long dark hair and its cloaking abilities. I was sure that by now, my embarrassed blush would be hard to miss despite the color of my skin.

"You haven't been eating? Why?" Professor Bell asked sounding both surprised and worried. I turned and looked at her briefly with a furrowed brow, I'd expected the second question, but certainly not the first. Then it dawned on me that she must've been avoiding the Great Hall as well. I turned away from her and shut my eyes tight at the sudden wave of annoyance why I yelled my brains out internal, I'd starved myself for absolutely not reason?! She hadn't even gone to the Great Hall! I could have been eating and avoided this whole situation! "Is it... is it because of me? Cause you wanted to ... avoid me?"

I turned to look at her with a frown, not able to lie to her and say she had nothing to do with it, and I suppose she took that for a yes as her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed. Did she really not think much of the incident? Or was I simply just that insignificant that she thought nothing of it? I turned my eyes away, I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. "Kali, I'm so sorry. Honestly, I'm not sure what happened that ... night but I'm sorry I didn't handle it well. I shouldn't have left without saying anything-"

"That's ok, I really rather not-"

"No Kali, this is all my fault," she said, causing me to turn to look at her with a puzzled look. However, she didn't see it as she turned away and started wringing her hands as she walked. "You see... It was all my fault, I wasn't thinking and it's just an innocent New Year's tradition... but I'm your teacher and it was inappropriate to kiss you and I was just so embarrassed with what you'd think that I returned to school to get my head together. I had every intention of talking to you about it, but I wasn't sure how to explain it or talk to you about it or what to say," she said in a rush that I hardly understood what she was saying before she turned around and marched towards me and grabbed my hands in hers causing my face to flush. "I'm sorry. Please forgive... I honestly didn't mean to kiss you and make it all the more uncomfortable by running off. I-"

I stared at her with widened eyes. She thought... that she was the one that kissed me? And she was agonizing about what I thought about it? I almost wanted to laugh hysterically at the situation because I had been agonizing over something that didn't really seem to be my fault. However... I was also kind of saddened as I realized what this meant. It meant that she thought it was an innocent kiss that she had initiated, which meant she had no idea how I felt for her.

I almost felt it would have been easier that way because at least then, she would know and I wouldn't have to hide behind a mask. At least then she could treat me in the way that she would treat any other student who probably had a crush on her and I wouldn't have to fret everything she was near. I looked away from her, feeling extremely tired all of a sudden.

This past couple years felt like emotional hell to me. I felt like I was in a whirpool of emotions that I couldn't free myself of. I felt like my emotions switched gears every couple seconds and I hated it. Between my first, Snape, Calla, Bell... they were all ripping who I was to tatters and I longed for the days that my life was so much more fucking simple, before falling in love, before desiring to feel wanted, before feeling betrayed, before feeling like I needed just anyone around, before feeling anguish that no one loved me... I wanted things to go back to how they were before all of it. Sure, I had been lonely and desired someone's company deep down in my heart, but at least I was emotionally stable. I learned to deal with being alone. THIS, whatever this was, I loathed. Was I always so moody? Had I always had these mood-swings?

In the course of one interview I had gone from horror and discomfort, to embarrassment, to relief and to disappointment and anguish! It was fucking sickening. I didn't like who I was fucking becoming. I wanted to be numb and feel nothing again and not have to pretend that I was numb or fine. "I have to go, and don't worry about everything... it's all cleared up now," I said as I grabbed my things. For the moment, I forgot about my physical pains and just wanted to get the hell out of there.

Calla

The conversation I had with Kalinda made me feel loads better but I still felt more than a little guilty about the whole thing. Everything seemed to be back to normal. I was playing Quidditch again and I had never had so much fun doing so. Anton seemed to lighten everything up. His jokes and antics kept us all laughing, even Tara who was usually so serious about the sport laughed with the rest of us. We were all at ease and comfortable enough in our own skin for once. We even won our next match which secured us a place in the Cup game. In the end, Slytherin beat us out for the Cup but not even Tara could be surly about it. We had fun trying, more fun than we'd ever had before and she went all sappy on us and told us that's all that really mattered.

In between numerous practices (the field was free more often now that Ravenclaw and Gryffindor were out of the running), I studied. In fact, that's all I did. I studied. At the beginning of the year, the prospect of the N.E.W.T's seemed like a lifetime away but now it was bearing down on us like a tornado and there really was no escaping it. It really was stressful but the fifth years seemed to be more freaked out than us but then again, we'd been through the O.W.L's and had somehow figured out a way to manage. I was bound and determined to at least pass the damn tests even though I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do afterwards. I wanted to be a Healer but I had figured out I didn't do well with sick people at all. Upon realizing this, I felt a bit depressed and more than a little lost because I had spent most of my school career, if not all of it, striving to be a Healer. I felt like I was going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I had written my parents and they were not helpful at all. They kept feeding me those bullshit lines about how they didn't care about what I did just as long I was happy. Having supportive parents was great and all but sometimes I needed a little guidance and their free loving supportive hippie nonsense did not give me that. It was entirely way too late to undergo career counseling again. Back then I had been so sure. It never occurred to me that I might change my mind.

There was one person I was sure could give me a little insight. Snape was young enough to have played the game. He knew better than anyone else of what opportunities awaited because I'm sure he had to struggle with some sort of decision at one point in the not so distant past. He was only about five years older than me. I just couldn't ask him. I couldn't even hardly bring myself to look at him anymore. When I did, the only thing that my mind could process was the memory of Christmas and I wanted so desperately to forget it entirely.

I knew that Snape wanted to forget it too. I knew he wanted to forget about me and to not feel like he did about me anymore but it showed through anyway in huge but not so obvious ways. For one, he didn't go out of his way to bully me but at the same time he didn't ignore me. If I asked a question or had an answer to a question he asked in class, he didn't blow me off. If one of my essays weren't quite one hundred percent, instead of mocking my stupidity, he would circle a statement or a misspelled word and give me a correction on the margin. It touched me and made me feel hideously sentimental which was torture on a whole new level. He couldn't rightly be openly affectionate toward me even if he had that capability. I think, more than anything, he just felt guilty about stringing me along for a few moments before dropping the yarn ball. That gave me a little bit of hope.

I guess shit really hit the fan on one sunny warm May day. I was sitting in Potion's, brewing a very complex potion that I was having a horrible time with. The potion had too many directions for me to keep up with and I kept having to backtrack and figure out where I'd fucked it up at before I screwed it up completely. Snape had been assigning us increasingly difficult potions and I'd never before had too many problems but on that particular day, I was just flustered and a wreck. I kept asking myself as I seemed to mess up more why on earth this was really all that important especially since I wasn't going to be a Healer. Even Snape seemed to notice my frustration, it had gotten that bad.

"You need to not get so worked up, Bigsby," he said from his desk, frowning. I just ignored him and kept at what I was doing, cursing under my breath the whole time. As I tried my hardest to concentrate on my potion, the more my mind began to slip. I kept thinking about how shitty the year had been. I kept thinking about how every day went by, the more I wanted Snape more than anything. I kept thinking about how maybe I could make a career out of Quidditch but how I just didn't want to have to do that. Most of all I kept thinking about what a huge waste of time even being at school was.

"SHIT!" My cauldron started to over boil and before I could stop it, it began to slop over the edges in great gobs of electric pink, which I'm pretty sure no potion should ever turn that shade of pink. The burner beneath the cauldron was hit and suddenly the whole damn thing went up into flames. Luckily, I was able to extinguish it fairly easy but the sad fact was that it had not gone unnoticed and my potion was absolutely ruined. There was no putting it right. My eyes filled with tears as peals of laughter began to ripple throughout the dungeon. I dropped my ladle and hurried out of the classroom before any one could witness me crying out of embarrassment and frustration. I started off towards my dorm, knowing what needed to be done.

"Bigsby!"

I turned around to find Snape hurrying after me. I'm not sure why I didn't just ignore him, but I felt obligated to stop.

"What?" I snarled. "Come to tell me what a terrible display that was back there? Come to tell me how stupid I was? Going to tell me what I did wrong?"

"No," he said slowly and warily. "I was merely going to suggest that you get back there and try again. You weren't too far behind before the potion exploded."

"And what would the point be, Professor?"

"What do you mean what would the point be?" Snape looked disgusted.

"There is no point! I don't belong here. I can't live like this anymore." He didn't say anything; he just stared at me like he didn't understand. I sighed. "I'm leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Yes, leaving. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't even know what I want to be after I leave school, so it's probably best that I just leave and explore my other options because it's plain as day to me that all my training here has been for practically nothing."

Snape looked crestfallen at first but then within a split second, he'd straightened out and his face hardened into the scowl that I usually associated with getting an ass chewing.

"I think you're being foolish. I think you should calm down and think things through before you make any rash decisions that would most certainly ruin your future."

It was my turn to scowl. "It's not a rash decision. I've been thinking about it for months. All I've ever strived to be is a Healer. And then Kalinda fainted that day in class and I went mental. It scared me. I thought she was dead. It just sort of clicked. If some one who just fainted could send me into a state, how would I react to more gruesome situations?"

"So you aren't cut out to be part of the medical field. If you go through with your N.E.W.T's, there are plenty of other options out there waiting for you."

"You don't understand."

"I understand perfectly well that you're being immature. I've got news for you, Calla. Life isn't one hundred percent predictable and if you throw a fit everytime something happens that throws you for a loop, you might as well just lock yourself inside your little hidey hole and never come out!"

"Like you?" I answered quietly and dangerously. I probably shouldn't have said it but it was the truth. Snape just stood there for a moment before replying, looking as though he himself couldn't believe I'd gone that far.

"Fine," he said stiffly. "If you want to be completely stupid, I'm not going to stop you. But don't say I didn't tell you so."

And with that, he turned and stalked off, leaving me feeling more dreadful than I ever had in my entire life. I wanted to chase after him and tell him that I was sorry, that I would stay for his sake but I couldn't let him get in the last word like that. So, I went to my dorm, packed my belongings and left without so much as a word to anyone else. Once I was outside of the castle walls, I took a deep breath of fresh air. It was time to finally start life.

Kalinda

In the days and weeks that followed, I tried to numb myself to everything. I even started pulling away from everyone except Severus, who I only turned to for the things I needed physically, returning things to normal. He didn't even bother to ask about my fainting incident, if he was even aware of it. And to me, that was just fine because I didn't feel like explaining to him why I wasn't eating and I sure as fuck didn't need him telling me that I couldn't be malnourishing myself. I was a fucking adult and could do whatever the fuck I wanted and I wasn't going to allow some fucking man to tell me what I had to do otherwise.

I focused on eating and school work. I even started to talk less to Calla and just focused on my work and my sketchbook. As NEWTs drew near, I began to focus even more on my studies and by that I mean on my homework and class work, because I really don't study. The more NEWTs neared, the less time I wanted to spare for Severus. It got to the point where he actually dragged me into his office one night because I hadn't been by to see him in over two weeks and he was pissed about it. I told him to fuck off, because my studies at the moment were more important than just fucking. Well I didn't put it quite so rudely, but that was the gist of it. I suppose that was unfair, because what I was really doing when I should have been studying, was messing with my sketchbook, but honestly that does tend to help me with my memorization skills and helps me relax, which is just as important and in my opinion more important than cramming.

One day in Potions, I took the shock of my life when Calla had a breakdown all because she had fucked up her Potion. Granted it was a really hard Potion, and its not like she was the first one to have a breakdown because of NEWTs coming up, but I was surprised that Calla of all people would freak out.

Not to say that she was the worst student, but I didn't think she took her studies that seriously; hell I didn't even take my studies very seriously, I was actually pretty laid back with them for the most part. Hell, I even tended to procrastinate on big projects that were worth great percentages of our overall grade until the very last moment and then I would freak out and work on something that was really pretty half-assed and turn it in and get high marks. At times even higher marks that those who slaved over them for countless hours.

What surprised me most was that, when it came to Potions, Calla was really, pretty damn good at them. I could see that she was having a hard time of it, and I would've offered her my help, but the Potion really was that hard that it required absolutely ALL your attention and I could not spare to help her with hers or I would risk fucking up my own. When her Potion almost literally went up in flames, I looked at her with my brows furrowed and watched as the tears welled in her eyes as everyone started laughing. I vaguely wondered when the hell she had gotten so sensitive. Before I could tell her why she even gave a fuck what these jackasses thought of her, she took off running.

My sympathy and concern for her lasted about as long as it took Severus to run after Calla and left us all in class alone. That simply annoyed me and guessed if Snape cared so much about it, then I didn't have to bother worrying and could just get back to my potion and get it finished before class ended. When Snape returned several minutes later, I pretended not to take notice and merely finished my Potion and at the end of class, I was further vexed when Snape asked me to stay after class because I just knew this was going to have something to do with Calla's freak out.

"Yes, Professor?" I asked, my tone tinged with annoyance, as I adjusted the strap of my bag as the last of my classmates exited.

"You need to talk to your childish friend right now before she does something stupid," he snapped as he looked up at me and glared, though I knew it wasn't me he was angry at and that the glare really wasn't about me. I raised a brow at him questioningly. "She's threatening to leave the school. I tried to stop her, but she won't listen to me. As you two are such good friends, maybe she'll actually listen to you."

I didn't much appreciate his tone, however, I frowned. I felt disappointed and sad. "She's leaving?" I asked, not able to hide it. Things with Calla may have gotten uncomfortable and a little strained because of Snape, and I may have not been attentive with her lately, but it's not like I didn't want her around. I liked Calla, with all her defects. She was the closest thing I had to a friend and I didn't want her to leave. "Is this your fault? What the fuck did you do to her now?" I accused loudly, glaring at him.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "NO! She spewed something or other about wanting to explore her options and just wasting her time here. That it wasn't a rash decision," he said with a huff of air, skeptically. I stared at him thoughtfully. I could imagine Calla saying all that and imagined that it did rather sound like she'd say something about that and actually mean it. But I also had a feeling that she was leaving because of Snape. I don't think she ever got over Snape and him choosing me because I didn't mind having sex.

I would have traded everything I had with Snape, so Calla just would have stayed. I was actually sad that she was leaving and I envied her the courage to leave the school. I really desperately wanted to leave, I didn't really care all that much about NEWTs as I had no idea what I wanted to do or what I was really going to need and use in the future, but I just couldn't bare the thought of quitting. What if I did end up needing the NEWTs? What was the point of quitting now when I was so close to finishing?

"No," I said, without realizing I said it.

"What do you mean no?" he asked threateningly causing my eyes to focus on him.

"NO, I'm not going to talk to Calla about it because even if she hasn't left yet, she isn't going to listen to me even if we're friends. Besides Calla's a big girl, she's old enough to know what she's doing and frankly, it's her life, she can do what she wants with it and she wouldn't appreciate me telling her how to live it. I certainly wouldn't," I said passionately, trying to stand by Calla's decision and thinking Snape should stick his big nose out of it. My philosophy of life was pretty much live and let live.

Therefore I merely turned on my heel and headed towards the classroom door and opened it. However, I stopped and turned to look at where he sat, seething because he couldn't get his way. "Oh, by the way. I'm glad you are oh-so-concerned about Calla's future when you can't show even the slightest interest in mine, seeing as you never have so much as even asked me what I'm planning to do with my life after Hogwarts. Its good to see you can actually muster to care about anything," I said coldly, before turning and slamming the door behind me.

TBC...

Author's Note: Sorry folks. I meant to update yesterday but I got distracted by playing Sims and then cleaning up my yard and locating various pieces of my property that got blown away during a storm on Monday that also brought down large chunks of tree everywhere. 90 MPH winds (plus) a plastic swimming pool (equals)Well, I never found it. Probably never will. My son got to use it ONCE. Figures, right?

But as always, read and review. And thank you to those few who take the time to review every chapter. You, my dears, is what gives us the drive to keep writing.

~Eyesuhkattspeleeng