Kalinda
After Calla was gone, all the progress I had made to numbing myself all went to hell. I was so pissed at Snape, that for several days after the fact, I couldn't even bare to look at him. I was angry at Calla for abandoning me in this hell hole all by myself and resented her freedom, but more than anything terribly missed her off-center humor and personality.
What made things worse was that Professor Bell was suffering. I could see the signs of it. The red-rimmed eyes, the dark bags under them from lack of sleep, the loss of weight, the lack of concentration, the easy irritability... I didn't know the details of it but her relationship with Able seemed to be going up in flames and burning her badly. I thought that she was going to have an emotional breakdown and desired to help her, but she could barely stand to look at me. I suppose because I was such a reminder of my arsehole brother. Besides, I didn't think I could bare face her and try to help her when it was my very own flesh and blood that was hurting her like this.
So I tried to be invisible. And if I had to be around Snape, we both seemed to ignore whatever happened that day Calla had left Hogwarts. OWLs and NEWTs took about two weeks, in the beginning of June. During those weeks of exams, I spent every night in Severus' bed to relieve the stress, and actually slept there the whole night. It helped me relax and get a good nights rest so I woke refreshed for when I had to take my tests.
It was odd actually, because after sex, before we went to sleep, Snape would ask me how my day had gone and about my tests and what I thought my scores would be. However, I tried not to think much of this, or to give myself false illusions at his sudden interest in me. I pained me to know what really, he didn't care about me and I was counting the days for when I was finished with school. I may have not had any real idea of what I wanted to do, but I knew well enough that I wanted to get away from him and what I felt for him and what he made me feel towards myself.
Then one night, when I had taken my last NEWTs, after we had just finished having sex, he asked me something that startled the piss out of me but really shouldn't have been unexpected. "So... now that you're almost finished with school... what are you going to do afterwards?" he asked as he looked at me. I was surprised by the question and sat up, pulling the sheet around my nude body.
"Why?" I asked, gazing down at him in confusion at his sudden interest. He was laying back, with his arms crossed under his head. The sheet was hanging low on his slim hips and his pasty white skin had a light sheen of sweat covering it. He shrugged his shoulders despite the position he was in and continued to stare at the ceiling as his breathing became steadily more regulated.
"Just curious. Its not like I know as I wasn't the one you had your career advice meeting with," he said simply, almost quietly in the mild darkness of his room. I nodded, guessing he had a point. When I was a fifth year, Professor Slughorn had still been teaching and I had my meeting with him. I had never thought much of Slughorn, though he wasn't a bad teacher I suppose. He was certainly a bit more lenient and made class less mechanical than it was with Snape as a teacher.
"I'm not sure. The only things I really care for... well they don't make much of a career, at least not a well-paid one. I don't particularly want to be a starving artist or starving writer and I really don't care for anything else, and I don't want to take a job I'm going to hate, even if its well-paid," I said with a shrug of my shoulders as I leaned forward and hugged my knees. If I didn't have such long hair, and if it weren't for the darkness, I would have been slightly bashful about exposing my entire backside for him, but given those conditions were set, I didn't worry about it.
"Then, what are you going to do when you leave the school?" he asked, and I could tell by the tone of his voice, that he was probably raising a brow at me.
I shrugged my shoulders and I could feel that he was watching me intently. "Not sure yet."
"Aren't you in the least concerned?" he asked.
"I have plenty of time to become concerned, I'm not particularly concerned right now," I replied as I slowly turned to look at him, and he was giving me this look like he thought I was an idiot. "My cousins have invited me to visit for the summer. I figured I could spend the summer traveling the world, I have an uncle who has a home on like EVERY continent and I'm sure he wouldn't mind me spending a couple days in each. If the summer ends and I'm not sure what to do with my life yet, I could always work part time in my dad's shop until I do figure it out."
He looked at me as though he hadn't expected any of this from me and I almost had a feeling that... he envied me or something. "Well, sounds like you've thought about this more than you want to acknowledge," he said as he rose slowly and turned his back to me, pulling on his boxers as I watched him with confusion.
"What's your problem?" I asked as I watched him slip on the long sleeved, black shirt he had been wearing and started buttoning it up.
"I don't have a problem," he said with a tone that said he did as he got up and finished buttoning his shirt while he headed to the washroom. "So where do I stand in all your future plans?" he asked from the washroom with irony in his tone. I rolled my eyes at this. For fuckbuddies, who were supposed to be all about the sex and no drama, our relationship had become pretty damn near something normal. It was like a formal relationship without any of the benefits, such as understanding, love and actually going out and knowing each others family and friends.
I could see that this wasn't going to end well and as I heard him turn the shower on in the bathroom, I disentangled my legs from his sheets and slung off the side of the bed. I reached for my skirt and slipped my legs in before standing up and pulling it all the way up and buttoning it. " I don't know what you want me to say about that," I said as I reached for my bra and quickly put in on before throwing on my shirt and starting to button it. I only got a few things buttoned before I reached for my tie and slipped on over my head as I hadn't completely undid it to take it off.
His door swung open and made me jump as I turned to look at him. I could only see his outline as the light from the bathroom seemed brighter than his rooms. "I mean when you leave, what's going to happen to us?" He growled as he looked at me. I frowned and turned away as I finished buttoning my shirt. Was he really asking? Surely he knew that this moment was going to come? What did he expect me to do?
"I thought... we'd go our separate ways. This isn't a real relationship, and even if it was, it wouldn't be able to withstand the distance that will be between us from now on," I murmured softly in the dark, feeling uncomfortable with this conversation, but it was unavoidable.
"What do you mean this isn't a real relationship? We sleep together, you stay over, I ask you when you're here about your day, I know everything about you-"
I whirled around at this my hands freezing on the button of my shirt. There were only two left to button at the top, but I never buttoned those. "Excuse me?" I said incredulously as I stared at him with mild indignation. "You do NOT know everything about me. What you know about me barely scratches the surface. And I don't know anything at all about you, other than your name and occupation. That doesn't constitute a real relationship and you, you don't love me much less care about me."
"Oh and you care about me?" he asked, with venom in his tone and that was it, that was all I could take. I snapped.
"How could you even ask me that?! Are you blind, or are you stupid?! Or are you just that emotionally out of tune with the world?! Of course I care about you, I fucking LOVED you! Why else would I agree to this sordid excuse for a relationship? I'm not as morally bankrupt as you are! I accepted it, because I didn't care in what capacity I had you, as long as you were there, as long as I could have you in my life and believe even if it was just a little bit that you cared about me! But I just can't do it anymore! I didn't know there was someone in the world that could make me hate myself more than I did, but you did it! You've turned me into something I hate and sometimes I really can't stand to look myself in the mirror and see what a hypocrite you've made of me! You made me, just like them!" I yelled, pointing towards the door as tears welled in my eyes. "You've made me into just another fucking liar, another pretender, another fucking Slytherin that does whatever it takes to get what they want, even if its fucking deplorable!
"Since you've taken over my life, I've had to pretend that I don't love you. I've had to pretend that I'm with you just because I enjoy the sex. I've had to pretend that sex to me is nothing more than physical pleasure, that it really means nothing more. I have to act like when we're done having sex, that it doesn't hurt me to pick up my clothes and leave; that I don't feel like it's the tattered remains of my dignity that I'm picking off the floor. It's hard to ignore and put on a facade that it doesn't affect me the fact that you don't give a shit about me. It's hard pretend that I'm not dying inside because for some reason you seem to genuinely care for Calla and not for me and that I'm not dying to ask you why you care so much about her and not about me. And I hate myself because she's my friend and I can't help thinking, what the fuck is so special about her?
"And what's worse, is that you're not the cause for all of it," I said, my voice cracking and forcing me to look away because I just couldn't bare to see the way he was looking at me. "What's worse is that I'm the one to blame, for allowing it in the first place; for not being honest from the beginning; for not sending you to hell when you first kissed Calla. I should have, even though you weren't really to blame and I fucking loathe myself for it because even if you were the most wonderful special man in the world, you wouldn't be worth me hating myself because of you. No guy is worth that," I said, as I shut my eyes and a few tears slid down my cheeks. I inhaled deeply and turned my gaze to him. "I'm just fucking done with this," I muttered, feeling exhausted for the torrent of shit I just finally got off my chest.
Severus didn't say anything or even moved to stop me as I left. I'm not sure it it was because he was stunned to silence, or it was simply because he really didn't care, but I didn't feel like staying to figure it out. When I left his private quarters, I didn't bother heading towards the dorm. Instead, I found myself wandering out onto the grounds. When I stepped out, it was storming, raining hard.
I gasped when I turned my head and looked towards the sky and felt my bare feet step onto the wet and squishy grass. It sounded like a cross between a sigh of relief and a whimper from a wounded animal as I closed my eyes and just felt the rain on my skin. It was dark out, and I didn't care that I had forgotten my robes, panties, shoes and socks and school bag in Snape's rooms. I just didn't care for any of it. I was surprised at how fucking relieved I felt. I felt like I was fucking free and I started to laugh and cry as I walked out on the grounds with my arms limp at my side and my head turned to look so far back that I swear my neck was going to snap from the weight of my now soaked, long locks of hair.
I'm not sure how long I was standing there. I felt so light, so ... happy. It was odd, but ending things with Snape and telling him what all was on my mind for so long made me feel like I had been born again and like everything we had been through was from a past life. I'm not sure why... and the rain, it made me feel clean and pure... like I was myself again and not whatever Snape had made of me or rather what I allowed him to make of me.
At some point, I got tired of standing and merely sat down, cross-legged while making sure my skirt was covering me well considering I hadn't put on my underwear. I'm not sure what time it was, but I just allowed the rain to pour over me and let out all the tears I'd held back over the past two years until I felt empty and lay down on my back and placed my hands underneath the back of my head. I didn't care that I was drenched to my bones, and was thankful that it was summer and that despite the rain, it was barely all that cool.
By the time the rain completely let up, I could see that the sky was beginning to lighten. I sat up and watched without thinking and without feeling much of anything as the sky continually lightened from deep purple to lighter tints of blue. Before long, I could see the sky was pale blue and where the sun was just peering over the horizon and the sky was a canvas of beautiful red, yellows and pink that seemed to blend into one another and slowly stretch out over the sky, tinting the clouds. I was so lost in the sight before me, that I hardly noticed anything else.
"Kali? What are you doing here? You're all soaked!" I instantly recognized the voice of Professor Bell and the concern in it. I could feel her presence slightly behind me, no more than two feet and a little off to my right. However, I didn't feel any of the numbness or anguish I felt whenever I was usually around her. I felt so utterly calm and serene and I didn't bother to gaze away from the sunrise. It was going to be a bright sunny day and I thought it was fitting considering that it was one of the last I would spend at the castle.
"Its so beautiful, the world is all green and lush. I can't believe I was so caught up in trivial matters that I completely missed the change of season until now," I whispered reverently as I slowly turned and smiled at her. She still looked pale and sickly, and her beautiful eyes momentarily gazed at me in concern before her facial expression softened and she smiled at me.
"Kali? I don't believe I've ever seen you look so... peaceful, and not like some hidden storm is raging beneath your seemingly serene and calm surface," she said, and she looked genuinely happy for me. I stared at her in awe... in one simple expression she managed to convey just how far deeply she was able to see into me and I felt my heart beat a little frantically. I felt a tinge of pink cross my cheeks.
Her gaze flitted to look at the sky and for a moment, my gaze saddened as I saw the toll her love for my brother had taken on her. But to me she was still beautiful. Slowly, I got to my feet and stood next to her. "I heard you were resigning when the year was over. Do you mind if I ask why?" I asked, averting my gaze. I heard the rumors a few days ago, but I hadn't wanted to think about it because I had enough with my studies to deal with. Besides, it really didn't affect me considering it was my last year.
"I just... I need to get out of England for an intermittent amount of time," she replied simply as I looked up. She looked away, and in her gaze I knew why she felt desperately the need to get away from the entire Island.
I wanted to tell her that I loved her and that she deserved better, but I knew that it would just make her uncomfortable so I settled for just offering her a few words. "Professor Bell?" I said, to get her attention. She slowly turned to look at me, and her eyes were almost dead, with so very little of the light in them that I so loved. "I'm guessing that you and my brother didn't work out. I don't know why, but... believe me, he's my brother and I love him, but he's not worth it. You deserve someone who truly loves you, someone who only wants to make you happy, someone who will write poetry, or love songs about you and what they feel for you. You deserve the kind of love most people only dream about because you're so wonderful and I know you'll find that person, whoever they may be," I said gently, trying to put all the love and adoration I felt for her into words without actually telling her that that was how I felt about her and then I hugged her, momentarily forgetting I was soaked and would wet her.
It was brief, and when I pulled away, I saw her stunned look. I smiled bashfully at her at the words that I said and apologized for wetting her before taking off for the Slytherin dorm. After showering and changing clothes, I lay down to sleep, as I had not slept in near to or over twenty-four hours. When I awoke it was evening and I didn't bother to get out of bed and merely sat there, writing in Andaleeb. The following day was an uneventful blur in which I didn't have to see either Severus or Bell.
That night, in the common room, the Slytherin seventh years had a get together as it was our last night in the school. It could hardly be called a party, but there was music, beverages and refreshments and some people were laughing and dancing, while others just talked or played games. Being as I had hardly ever talked to anyone in my House over the years, I ducked out of the common room.
Something very few Slytherins know of, is that there is a hidden door behind a tapestry in the room that led into a small chamber where there was a couch, two chairs and a simple leather chaise in the room all surrounding a small coffee table. It was my favorite room in all the castle and whenever I could, I'd sneak in there and lay on the chaise and stare up at the ceiling. You see what was so special of this small room with virtually no decoration or furniture was that its ceiling was made of something like glass, only it wasn't glass. It looked more like the surface of a bubble, but a million times tougher than the hardest glass. I mean it had to be, in order to withstand cracking form the pressure of the lake. Not just that, but it illuminated the lake immediately surrounding the ceiling, so you could actually gaze up through it and see some of the creatures that lived there, no matter how dark the night or deep under the lake we were.
Slytherin's who knew of it, had named it over the centuries, the Emerald Room, because the light of ceiling and the lake water, made the room green, greener even than our common room. When I slipped in there, I wasn't surprised to see someone was sitting in one of the cushy armchairs. When I walked in, the dark haired boy turned to look at me. "Well if it isn't Kalinda Allen. Don't think I've talked to you in years," the boy smirked, though not maliciously as I strolled into the room and took up the chaise, lounging back and staring at the ceiling, curling my right arm back to lazily play with strands of my hair.
"Henry Bishop, I thought you forgot I existed," I said as I stared up at the ceiling, at last feeling the nostalgia that all other seventh years, but me, had been feeling now that we were done with school. I thought back over the years. Henry Bishop had been the one Slytherin I'd have considered a friend, up to about our third year when he became part of the Quidditch team and suddenly he was too cool for me and we slowly drifted apart. He played Seeker since then, which explained his physique, lithe with lean muscles. His back wasn't that broad, but it wasn't small either. And despite being seeker, he was rather tall. He had short black hair that he combed back and aristocratic black brows. He had a handsome face and a medium sized beauty mark on his right cheek, that didn't really detract from his attractiveness.
Henry snorted at this. "Forget you? Never! Matter of fact, it's the other way around. I join the team and all of sudden it was like you loathed my guts," he said, but his tone remained good-natured. I rolled my eyes at him. Henry, despite being a Slytherin and becoming super popular and eventually becoming team captain in our fifth year, was a pretty decent guy. Very gentlemanly towards all the girls, the kind of guy that opens doors and pulls out chairs for you. He wasn't dumb either, but neither was he the kind of guy to go out of his own way to keep in touch or to make new friends, or to have high scores or to get anyone's approval. He was also a little cocky and arrogant, but not obnoxiously so. "You shouldn't have abandoned me like that Kali-girl, you broke my heart," he said and as I looked over at him he placed his hand over his heart and gave me this sad puppy look before bursting into a grin and snickering. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention he's a bit of a clown and has a certain flair for the dramatic?
"Haha, very funny. And yes, I suppose I did kind of abandon you, but being as you rose through the ranks and practically became the king of Slytherin, it was just as well. Don't think just because I didn't speak to you, that I didn't hear about how jealous the three or four girlfriends you had were. They would have wanted to rip my head off if I so much as talked to you, even if you explained to them we were just friends," I said. Henry wasn't a womanizer. He wasn't the cheating type. He was the kind of guy girls go crazy about, and defend like psycho bitches. Besides, he was going places, so it was no wonder girls went psycho. However, Henry didn't have a high tolerance for the controlling, manipulative, or out-of-control jealous types. He chucked them without hesitation if they were too problematic.
"Oh, so you did notice me. I'm touched," he said, before snickering again. I rolled my eyes. Sometimes he just played too much. "But in all seriousness Kali, I did have the hugest crush on you when we were kids. If I'd have known becoming part of the team would cost me your friendship, I would have never joined."
"You're so full of shit, Henry," I said as I stared at the ceiling. He didn't say anything to that and merely sighed.
"Fine, don't believe me. Anyway, what are you going to do, now we're done with school?"
I merely shrugged, wondering why I found it so easy to talk to him considering we hadn't really spoken to each other the last several years. "I'm not sure yet. I'm going to travel in the summer, and then we'll see," I said as I looked over at him, eyeing him curiously. "You?"
He smiled, that smile that made most girls go weak in the knees. It was cute, but soft in that sensitive-guy kind of way as he shrugged, his dark eyes almost saddening. "You know my parents had that decided for me for years. Starting this summer I'll be interning at the Ministry of Magic," he said with a genuinely frustrated sigh as he looked away. "I wish I could travel the world like you instead," he said as he looked at me with another sad smile.
"You know you're not cut out for roaming the world like a vagrant. You're far to regal for that," I said with a teasing smile. He looked at me and raised a brow.
"This coming from the queen of Shiva? And now that you mention it, how are you going to travel the world. I never pictured you for a nomad that would backpack through the world, what gives?"
"Hey, I never said anything about backpacking. You know my uncle has places like everywhere," I said with a smile. He nodded and smiled, as though he'd just recalled that. He was about to say something, when the door to the room suddenly opened and someone walked in. We both turned to look to see who it was, and felt my stomach churning to see it was Snape and that he was looking from me to Henry and suddenly glaring at him.
"Oh hey, Professor Snape," Henry said in his usual laid back kind of way.
"Get lost Bishop. I need to speak to Miss Allen, in private," he said through gritted teeth as he looked directly at me and scowled.
"Ooohkay," Henry said a little uneasily as he got up from the chair he was sitting in. He cast a look at me and smiled. "Hey Kali, it was nice talking to you. I'll owl you, I'd like for us to keep in touch in the future," he said as he looked at me and made his way for the door all the while staring at me like he was expecting an answer.
"Yeah, I'd like that," I said, smiling gently, while feeling my stomach tighten. Leave it to Snape to ruin the seemingly last chance I'd have to talk to an estranged friend. And it sort of was, even though tomorrow was the last day. However, considering the bustle of all the students to pack and get down to Hogsmead where the seventh years could chose to take the train or apparate home, the chances of me seeing Henry again were really quite slim.
"Great, expect frequent owls from me, you know how chatty I can be," he said with a smile before disappearing out the door, leaving Snape and me alone. I turned my gaze to Snape, looking at him warily as I sat up and hugged the pillow form the chaise to myself.
"What in hell were you doing in here, ALONE, with Bishop?" he asked through clenched teeth. I looked at him, wondering what his problem was. He hadn't seen or talked to me since the other night, when everything had finished, and he was fucking being a jealous prick now?
"I doubt you came in here to talk to me about Henry," I said as I looked at him questioningly.
"Henry?" he said in his low murderous tone and I could tell the vein in his temple had probably just made its presence known and was pulsing double time.
"Yes, Henry, that's his name. He and I used to sort of be friends our first through third year but we drifted apart when he joined the Quiddi- why am I explaining this to you?! I don't owe you explanations. What do you want?" I said, suddenly angry. More at myself than him.
"I just came to return this to you," he snapped, as he pulled a strap from his shoulder and dropped something on the floor before me. It was my bag, which I hadn't seen until just now, and by the looks of it, it probably contained the articles of clothing I'd left behind in his room the other night.
"Oh," I said simply. "Thank you, I suppose." He scoffed at this and crossed his arms over his chest. I couldn't blame him really, that really wasn't the most gracious way to express gratitude, but I honestly didn't feel much of it. For all I cared, he could have tossed all of it out. "Well, if that's all-," I said, getting to my feet.
"It's not," he said, causing me to sit back down as he sat before me on the table opposite of me. He buried his head in his hands and sighed deeply as I watched him with suspicion and mild annoyance and bewilderment. Whatever it was, I wanted him to just get it over with already cause I was tired of waiting. I wanted it to be over, for good already.
"Well?"
"I just wanted you to know... that I've actually thought about everything you said and that... you're wrong," he said, looking up at me suddenly. I raised a brow, wondering what the hell he was talking about. "However, it may have seemed... I do care about you. How could I not? You were my first and I would never forget that. I'll never forget the comfort you provided me that night... and the kindness it showed... all in exchange for nothing.
"It's not that I care for Calla more, it's that... you were right when you said what I know of you is barely what's right on the surface. You're a hard book to read. But you can't blame me for that, you aren't forthcoming with everything you are and maybe it's because of me, because I'm not either. I've learned more from you these past couple days that I ever knew before and maybe had I seen more to you before we wouldn't be here right here, or maybe we would have because as you pointed out, long distance relationships really don't work.
"However, none of this changes how everything happened. And I don't want you to hate yourself because of me. I want you to be happy, and I can't make you happy, we both know that," he said, staring my eyes for most of his intercourse and only looking down at his hands every now and then. "I want to wish you the best in the future, and that I hope that you don't hate me and that in the future... may I owl you, just to see how you're doing?"
His discourse was all well and fine, until it reached that point. Frankly I was astonished by everything he said and I wanted to cry because it made me feel a little better. However, the thought of hearing from him the future was daunting. I think I just wanted to forget about him and this period of my life. I still nodded though, as I figure he wouldn't actually write to me. I didn't picture Severus as the owling type. I smiled shakily at him as he stood up. "Well... goodbye Kali, and good luck," he said with a nod before exiting. I sighed as I lay back on the chaise, towards the foot of it and stared in relief. That went better than I thought it was and I was FREE. Absolutely free. It was really and finally over, once and for all.
TBC...
Another all Kalinda chapter. And sorry about the two week delay in updating. I've been busy taking care of two sick babies, one of which is my husband. Blergh. But as always, please read and review-Kari