"She isn't really all right, is she."
Charles was standing beside the water trough Erik had filled just minutes before. Erik wasn't really surprised to see him there. "Please tell me the truth Mr Lensherr, she shouldn't be performing should she."
"No." Erik admitted readily, eyes on the subject of their conversation. The horse was grazing lazily.
"She's getting worse?"
"Every day."
"And she won't get better." It wasn't a question so Erik didn't answer. He watched Charles from the corner of his eye. The young man...boy? It was hard to tell his age really, he had such a youthful face. But the way he was regarding the animal solemnly spoke of maturity. Erik guessed that he was a few years younger than his own twenty-four.
"Would you please do it? Would you put her out of her misery?"
Erik blinked in astonishment, "Shaw...Mr Shaw forbid me to."
"Is that a no?"
"It's your star act, without her the circus-"
"I remember when we bought her," Charles interrupted, voice very quiet, "Barely, it's one of my earliest memories. I was just a little kid and she was a yearling, such a spirited little filly." He turned his face to Erik and smiled softly. It was a very sweet smile and Erik's chest contracted strangely. "My father was the one who found her, he knew that the horses would draw crowds. I was just delighted to have horses."
He walked the stand beside the horse and its head came up with a nicker. Charles scratched under its mane, "I never liked calling her the White Queen, it's not a proper name," he said fondly, "So I called her Emma when I played with her because I wanted a baby sister named Emma so badly. I used to pretend that I was a horse and she really was my sister." He laughed.
"I can get you a gun," He said, the wistful tone of his reminiscing hardening and he looked Erik straight in the eye. "Will you do it?"
Erik agreed, of course he agreed. He probably would have eventually done it even without Charles' help. It was a completely reckless thing to do, but everything Erik had done in the past four days had been reckless, so really, what was one more. He could always run if Shaw was too angry to reason with. So when Charles came running back a minute later, an old hunting rifle clutched to his chest, Erik took it readily.
"Come in here." Charles said quietly, grabbing the horse's bridle and leading her up the ramp and into the train car. When they were all inside, Charles slid the door shut and gestured to the animal, both palms facing down and pushing forward. The horse folded to its knees and onto its side exactly like in the show, during the final seen when she succumbed to her grief for the boy's death. A puff of air whooshed through its nostrils as if in great relief. Charles sat down beside her and began rhythmically stroking her neck.
Erik hesitated, wanting to give the younger man a moment. Charles looked at him gratefully and presses a soft kiss to the animal's fluttering ear. Then he leaned back and resumed petting, nodding at Erik jerkily.
Erik stepped up to the beautiful white horse, thinking briefly of the sheer waste, and laid the muzzle against its head where it was sure to enter the brain and kill the animal instantly. "You should look away." he said quietly, but Charles shook his head, bottom lip sucked in between his teeth. Erik put his finger on he trigger. Pulled.
Charles didn't cease petting even as the blood sank into the straw at his knees. His face was carefully blank.
"It's funny, isn't it, that I can get a horse to dance, but yet I don't even know enough to get it to lift it's foot. First thing they're trained to do." He laughed, but it was a strangled sound.
"It's not your fault," Erik responded automatically, "You were never taught how."
"I should have learned though." Charles insisted.
All Erik knew was that he hated the sight of this young man hating himself. "I can teach you," he said, "I can show you how to properly clean their hooves and trim them. This will never happen again."
They were both silent for a minute. Then, "Thank you." Charles murmured. And louder, "Thank you, Erik, I knew that you'd help, that you'd care enough to do this. You should leave now, someone will have heard that and Sebastian will be here soon and he won't like what he finds."
Erik nodded and laid the rifle in the ground, turned to leave. Charles stayed where he was on the floor, "Will you-"
"I'll be alright," he said, not making eye contact, "I can handle Sebastian's anger. You need to go."
Erik nodded, still not liking leaving Charles alone with the body to face the consequences, but he walked out the door anyway, quickly breaking into a jog to get away from the scene.
He was able to go about his day without confrontation until just before noon. Then he was seized from behind and slammed into a wall.
Shaw didn't touch him once. The hands that punched Erik in the stomach, and rubbed his face into the ground belonged to his goons. But the voice that hissed into his ears was most definitely his.
"What the hell have you done?" The man snarled as the hands, they belonged to the hairy blond, Victor, Erik recalled, ground his face into the gravel for emphasis, "you've just killed off my star is what you've done! I told you Lensherr, that I wanted my animal ready for show, not dead!"
Erik felt spittle hit the side of his face and he shuddered, dirt in his mouth. "Charles tells me that you did it because you felt that the horse was unsafe for him, that you thought that, if he continued to ride her, there might be an accident."
Responding vocally would just let more earth into his mouth so Erik did his best to nod. So technically he'd never said that to the boy, but it was actually true.
"He also said that you are much more proficient with caring for the creatures than anyone else we have. Which is very lucky, our groom had an...unfortunate spill last year and we've been without one since."
Shaw's voice had been moving away, as if he was pacing a little ways off. Now it drew close again, back in Erik's ear, "But this kind of...blatant disregard for my authority, it won't be tolerated Mr Lensherr. Charles pleaded your case well this time, I won't be so forgiving if it happens again, is that clear?"
Erik nodded as vigorously as he could, but, "I asked if that was clear Mr Lensherr."
"Y-yes...Sir!" Erik choked out, gagging as pebbles and mud were forced past his tongue. He was dragged, coughing and spitting, to his feet. Shaw stood directly in front of him, and though he was at least an inch shorter than Erik, he glared at him like he was a bug.
"Leave us." Shaw said to the two men who'd held him down. They nodded and obeyed, Victor giving Erik a parting sneer over his broad shoulder.
"Now, your main job will be helping Charles with the horses, doing the jobs that he, as a performer and my ward shouldn't have to. Mucking out, grooming, feeding, the likes. But you will also do these things for the other animals." Erik followed Shaw to a locked car, which he opened and stepped inside. The smell was wretched, of decomposing meat and vegetables, moldy bread and grain. On the floor was what looked like a pile of garbage.
"All of the animals eat this." Shaw explained, grabbing a bucket and shoving it into Erik's hands, "Not the horses of course, but the cats and hyenas and such. Get two buckets full and follow me."
Their first stop was at the cage of the show's only male lion. "This here's Azazel." Shaw smiled. Tapping the bars with a riding crop, "Go ahead and open the door, put the bucket in." he tapped the handle of a small gate. It was right at the lion's head.
Erik stared at the beast nervously. It was huge and russet-coloured, with a short dirty mane and a heavily scarred face. It looked mean and hungry.
"Don't dawdle!" Shaw snapped, "We have three hours until show time and a whole circus to feed."
Erik swallowed and reached for the latch. Surly Shaw wouldn't tell him to do it if it was truly dangerous. The cat was probably so used to humans that it wouldn't strike. He door swung open with a creak and the lion's head rose. Erik stilled, Shaw huffed in annoyance, and Erik put the bucket of rotten slop into the cage.
With a snarl the lion lunged and closed its jaws around his hand.
Erik shouted hoarsely and reeled back, terror blinding him to anything but the lion, the lion that had his hand, his hand! Then he was on the ground and Shaw was above him cackling. Erik gaped at the man, and then at his hand, which was wet with saliva...but still intact.
Shaw was delighted by his expression, "No teeth!" he wheezed between hoots, "None of the dumb animals...have teeth!" he laughed and laughed, as if Erik hadn't just had the most terrifying experience of his life.
They were then onto feed the four lionesses, two tigers, four hyenas, two monkeys and single grizzled old black bear. All received the same blend of rotting leftovers, which seemed wrong to Erik, that monkeys were eating the same thing as the cats. The rest of the beasts got hay from the same cart as the horses.
Shaw must have seen his expression as he closed the door to the monkeys' cage, because his gaze turned sharp. "Of course, I'd like to be able to serve my lions filet mignon, and my chimps fresh bananas and mangos, but you must understand Mr Lensherr, what a precarious living running a circus is."
Ah, Erik had noticed the subtle signs of poverty scattered throughout the camp, the gems on Charles' glittering vest were just glass, the workers mattresses stuffed with moldy hay, the cheap booze. Apparently here was no need to be subtle when it came to the animals.
By the time Erik joined in the preparations for the show word had spread about his and Charles' miniature rebellion.
"You're crazy!" Sean crowed as they made their way to the tent in which the dancing girls waited for the armfuls of mended costumes they were delivering. "He' crazy!" He announced as they stepped into the shade of the tent.
"Mmmm is he?" one of the women hummed and her eyes swept over him appreciatively as she lent in close to take the bundle from him, "and does crazy have a name?"
Erik now understood why Sean had pledged so fiercely that laundry duty was the best job in the circus. The boy had managed to time their arrival so that the dozen or so women were ready and waiting for their clothes...mostly naked.
"Well ladies, come and get 'em!" Sean hollered with a crooked grin that he probably thought looked dashing, but in reality made him look about fifteen and an idiot.
The women took it cheerfully, used to him and came up to claim their costumes, pinching his cheeks and tugging at his curls making him blush and pout. One of the youngest looking of the girls, god she looked young, punched him in the arm. "Hands to yourself Cassidy!" she exclaimed.
"Pssh yea right Marie, like I'd dare Logan's wrath just to feel you up."
The girl blushed and snatched up her clothes, "Screw you Cassidy."
"When and where?"
"Ugh, pig."
Erik grinned at the pair's banter. He stood patiently and helped the women sort through the clothes to find each of their respective costumes. Normally he would feel extremely uncomfortable in this situation, in a room full of half naked women. He'd never felt quite at ease around girls, even in high school. Magda had been his only real female friend, they were both German immigrants and their parents knew each other. She had wanted more than friendship, Erik knew, she hadn't exactly been subtle about it.
It would have thrilled his parents, if he'd married Magda. It was everything they'd dreamed of for their son. A nice Jewish German girl, pretty, educated. They got along with her parents, they thought Magda was a sweetheart. And she was sweet. Erik had liked her, and yet he had never pursued a relationship. God knows he had enough chances to, they'd met in first year when they were nineteen and had at least one class together every year since.
But there had always been something. First year they'd been too young, second, his mother had fallen ill for some time and he'd needed to focus on that. Third, a storm had flooded the creek near their home ruining their crop and the consequent monetary problems had kept Erik preoccupied. Forth year Erik had started an apprenticeship through the university on top of a full course load. Final year he'd needed to focus on the final exams.
There had always been an excuse. Magda had been understanding. She'd dated other men, but it was always brief and ended without much fuss or heartbreak. Magda had loved him, Erik had delayed. Then Erik left.
He did feel bad, for leaving without telling her and for not thinking of it until now. In fact he hadn't thought about home much at all since the first night. During the day he was simply kept too busy, and by nightfall he was either too tired or too drunk to do anything other than fall onto his mattress and directly asleep.
He wondered if, after this adventure is over, after this temporary, because it was temporary, lapse of sanity has passed and Erik returns to acceptable society, if he will seek her out. Marry Magda, have babies that would also have babies.
He couldn't seem to picture it. He was standing in a circus tent handing dancing girls their lingerie. If he didn't think about Magda for a week after he left her in the examination room with no explanation, Erik felt pretty certain that was a sign that he didn't love her.
He'd always suspected that he didn't return her feelings. He'd spent many a long night tossing and turning, feeling the expectations like an ocean above him, and asked himself if he loved her. If he really had, he thought, he wouldn't have ever had to wonder.
He dancers were pouting and whining that he wasn't paying them enough attention, so Erik pulled himself out of his mind and tried to smile politely and respond to their flirtatious questions.
Finally, after what felt like hours of awkward conversation, there was only one garment left in Erik's hands. Erik blinked. Okay, the dancers dressed...slinkily, but this tiny dress seemed a little extreme. There was no way an adult woman could wear it without bursting out at the seams, and those bows were a little more childish than the target style of the group.
And that dancer was a little shorter than most.
Oh...it was a toddler. Erik looked around to see if an early customer was close by searching for a lost child. Then he looked at the tiny dress in his hands. Ah, the child was dressed in nothing but a pair of faded shorts. Good to see that ivy league education shining through.
"Is this...yours?" He asked the tiny girl in front of him. Holding the dress out tentatively.
The girl's round cheeks split in a massive smile that was half tooth half gum. "My dress!" she squealed, reaching her chubby hands up and, rather than taking the thing, latched onto his trouser leg.
Erik looked around wildly, but no one was paying him attention anymore, all too busy rushing to be easy for the first show of the night. Erik shifted his weight off the leg the little girl had claimed, and shook it experimentally. The toddler shrieked in gleeful laughter.
"Raven!" Finally somebody noticed the clingy baby, "stop bothering Mr Lensherr!" One of the dancers approached. She was a dark skinned beauty, talk and thin with what appeared to be naturally silver hair.
Raven scowled and shook her head, strawberry blonde curls bouncing, and pressed her face against Erik's knee.
"Hey look, you've got a growth!" Sean seemed to be leaving the girls alone at last, "is it operable? Are you going to make it Lensherr?"
"San!" Raven yelled, letting go much to Erik's relief, and hurling herself at the boy instead. The silver-haired dancer darted forward and grabbed her before she could get her arms around another victim.
"Sorry Raven," she said, "but we have to leave. Do you know what time it is?"
"SO TIME!" Raven howled and then dissolved into giggles.
"Yup, it's showtime." She turned to Sean and Erik, "Thanks guys but you'd best get going, I'll bet Logan's looking for you."
"Yea probably, see ya later Ororo."
The woman, Ororo, waved with on hand and carried Raven into the back of the tent where the other were waiting. Sean and Erik headed out in search of Logan.
Searching for Logan consisted basically of wandering around slowly and waiting for the big man to find them. In fact, Erik felt as if Sean was purposely avoiding the places that Logan was most likely to be. At some point the younger boy had filched a bag of cotton candy and was munching it happily.
"Raven is sort of the ladies' pet slash adopted daughter slash little sister," He explained between bites when Erik asked, "Her mother was a dancer, died the same day she was born because Shaw wouldn't let them stop the train to find a doctor. The father was one of the laborers, and when Shaw discovered that one of his dancers was pregnant, and therefor unable to work, he gave him the boot. That left the little miss basically an orphan. I think Shaw would have just left her in the nearest town with a church or something, but the ladies managed to keep her from him and they are raising her together. She helps them with little things, fetches them water and jewelry and the like."
"Like their servant?"
"More like miniature assistant? Like I said, I think some of them think of her as a pet. But you can't blame them Erik, they're doing their best. None of them really know how to be mothers here, and their jobs are their first priority. They take care of her though, dote on her even. She always has enough to eat and clothes to wear."
And that's about all you could hope for here, Erik supposed. His thoughts linger on the little girl, an orphan. Erik was an orphan now too, he wondered how many of the people around him had no parents. Probably a lot. The circus was not a place for people with loved ones.
"So that girl, Marie," Erik said when Sean was shoving the last of his cotton candy into his mouth, "is she Logan's-"
"She's my nothing Lensherr and you won't go digging around her if you know what's good for you."
"Logan!" Sean said cheerfully, "we found you at last!"
"I've been looking for you boys for over an hour where the hell have you been? Show's started."
"Trying to change the subject Logan?" Sean asked with a grin, then whispered conspiratorially, "Miss Anna Marie luuurrrves our man Mr Hewlett here, but Mr Howlett is a cold-hearted bastard who pines for the lovely Madame Grey who is currently involved with out mutual friend Mr Scott Summers. In his anguish Mr Howlett takes up with multiple ladies for hire, consequently breaking Miss Anna Marie's heart. But if the young Miss would just open her eyes she would see one dashing Mr LeBeau, resident magician extraordinaire who is infatuated with her, bless his poor soul, for he could have any number of bonny lasses panting after him, Bella, Donna, Mary, Laura, all unattached young misses, all shining for Mr LeBeau, but no! Mr LeBeau wants Miss Anna Marie!And of course, there was the scandal of Mr Drake's affair with Miss Pryde, who is also Mr LeBeau's assistant! Broke many hearts that did."
"Don't gossip about me Cassidy!"
"Just catching Erik up on the latest big top drama Logan, the man needs to be informed! It's not like the whole camp doesn't already know about your twisted love-octagon or whatever it is at this point."
There were no chances for Erik to watch the show this time, but the sound of the crowd was a constant background to the nights chores. They patched tents, shepherded animals from their carts to tents and back, they carried supplies for the food tent, brought water to the performers, shoveled dung. There always seemed to be dung to shovel.
The patrons were loud as they enjoyed everything the circus had to offer but every now and again applause would ripple above their hubbub. When the music that accompanied the horse show began, Erik listened closely and went over the performance in his head and wondering how Charles would compensate for the missing horse.