Inappropriate Conduct

By Abby Ebon & Chaos Silk

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A Note from the Authoress'

Are you following us so far? I believe even a blind man could know where this is going.

Eragon is getting married. To someone who is indifferent to him. And there will be Chaos and dancing, and the priestesses will finally make their reappearance. Someone will get kissed and another someone will get kicked in a place where the sun don't shine.

And many people will get drunk and amuse me.

So you have a choice... either run away screaming, or continue on reading.

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Disclaimer: If I owned Eragon, this would be the book.

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Jaycee awoke to the sound of cursing and the smell of smoke in the air. He raised his head, silver eyes blinking in confusion. He looked to his left, where Sagum was sitting up in his cot, hair tussled and mussed. The teal-eyed priest stared at him, yawning.

"Sounds like Soahc is here..." He remarked, listening to the shouts of the guards and various other members of the Varden. The priest yawned again, climbing out of bed.

"My pants!!" Someone yelled as a shadow ran past the tent, snickering wildly. Sagum sighed, pulling on his robe.

"And Stoka is already running amok..." Sagum remarked, shaking his head in distressed amusement. "Erenas really should get a collar for him..." He sighed, pushing his feet into his boots and tying them up as a blonde head poked into the tent.

"Yo..." Soahc said, grinning like a chesire cat as she saluted the pair. Sagum stared blankly at her, a look of long-suffered distress on his face. Jaycee let out a sound that might've been a whimper, drawing his blankets tighter around his chest. Then he realized he was acting like a girl and let it drop.

"Soahc..." Sagum sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Why are you here?" He asked, not daring to look at her. Jaycee watched her grin grow wider.

"Can't a girl greet her brother on the morn of his wedding?" She asked, moving to stand fully in the tent, well out of Stoka's pant-stealing range... Not that she was wearing pants, she just didn't want to be ran over. Sagum raised an eyebrow and she sighed. "Fine I wanted to know which tent your bride is staying in..."

Sagum's eye raised even higher. "Why?"

"His bride?" Jaycee demanded at the same time, jumping up out of bed and accidentally giving Soahc a good view of his assets. She flushed brightly.

"You know, I think I'll discover this on my own... excuse me..." She rushed out of the tent, one hand cupping her nose.

"I love you." Sagum said, still staring at the spot where Soahc had stood. He looked at Jaycee, awed by his terrible power of making Soahc run away. "If I wasn't getting married today, I would ask you to marry me." Sagum stated, pulling a strand of leather from his bag and tying back his hair. Jaycee was as red as Soahc, still wondering where his pants had gotten in his sleep.

" I'd avoid wearing pants today if I were you..." Sagum said, flipping his hair over his shoulder as the thief started to get dressed. "You can borrow one of my robes, because if you were pants, I can guarantee that someone will steal them during the course of the wedding." Sagum tossed a purple robe at him, turning around as Jaycee caught it and tugged it over his head.

"Eragon's your bride?" Jaycee squeaked out, feeling somewhat safer now that he was wearing clothes. Sagum laughed.

"Of course, I am a priest, the male representation of the goddess I serve. If I was the bride, I would have to surrender my position, making the whole point of this marriage null and void and leaving my sister free to burn the camp down." Sagum explained, shrugging. He knew no one had bothered to explain this to the dragon rider yet, but he was certain all would be made clear when the boy...Sagum shuddered at the thought was shoved into a dress.

But then again, from what little he had seen of the boy, he was not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Jaycee stared at the priest, doing his best imitation of a fish as Sagum raised an eyebrow at him. Then he burst out laughing, trying to picture the somewhat stocky farmboy in a sparkly white dress. Sagum shook his head amused.

"Dearly Beloved... we are gathered here today..." The elder priest droned, uncaring at the fact that he was joining two males in holy matrimony. Sagum and Eragon stood side by side in front of him, the Dragon Rider looking pissed at the world. Jaycee really couldn't blame him though.

"Blah blah blah..." Soahc said, waving her hands in the air and nearly whacking Jaycee in the face. She looked at him and shrugged, continuing to say 'blah blah blah' in time with the priest's words. The thief had been lucky enough, or unlucky enough to have been kidnapped by Stoka upon exiting his tent and forced to sit between Soahc (who was still red and giggling, though over a completely different matter) and the white-moon priest.

The dark haired boy was surprised that instead of having one of the many priests and priestesses preside over the wedding, the Varden had kidnapped someone from a nearby village. It was kind of odd and Soahc was acting like she had been insulted (hence why she was 'blah blah blah'-ing).

"How come she gets to make noise?" Stoka whined, looking beseechingly at Erenas. Erenas shook her head and sighed, kicking Stoka's leg.

"Behave." She said, looking at Soahc who had finally lost interest in 'blah'-ing and was now poking the guy sitting in front of her in the back of the head. Jaycee watched this all with the patience of one watching a train wreck, it was horrible and yet you couldn't look away. He wondered if Soahc acted like this all the time.

"I have never sat still in church in my entire life." Soahc announced randomly as though hearing Jaycee's thoughts. The guy whipped around and glared at her, eyes narrowing dangerously. She hit him with her shoe and pointed back towards the front, teal eyes narrowed.

Jaycee had never been more relieved in his life when the priest finally announced 'I now pronounce you man and man-wife.'

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TBC

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