5 Things Dazai Still Does For Port Mafia ...
Summary: ... that he doesn't do for the Armed Detective Agency, and the 1 thing he won't do for anyone.
1. Any Sort Of Paperwork
It was a fairly regular day at the Armed Detective Agency office, with everyone more or less doing their job, when one Ozaki Kouyou arrived unannounced. It was hard for the detectives not to react with negativity and hostility towards the woman who had been all too happy to stab and slice a few of their members, regardless of the truce still holding between their organizations, but they could sense no hostility or blood-lust from the red haired woman as she politely knocked on their door, calmly let herself in and serenely walked further into the office. The only one completely unbothered by her sudden appearance was, of course, Dazai, who only looked up from his phone and took off his headphones when she approached the sofa he was sprawled across.
"Oh, hello, Ane-san! Still as lovely as ever, I see. Love the new hair ornament. Did you finally figure out why your sword jammed when you're putting it back in?" He rattled off casually, standing up to properly greet her with more care and respect than the Agency was used to seeing from him. The smile on his face looked more genuine, too, even with the slightly guarded look in his eyes.
Ozaki, though, seemed somewhat fondly amused by his ramble and hid a smile demurely behind a raised sleeve. "Still as charming as ever, lad. And yes, I did figure it out and got it fixed. It was just some wood chipping."
"I see, I see," the brunet said with animated nods. "I also see you brought tea with you?" He half asked with a pointed eyebrow at the paper bag the woman was carrying. "Am I right to guess you are not here for a mere social visit, Ane-san?"
"Unfortunately, are you ever wrong, Dazai?" She tittered, gesturing towards the bag. "Still, I figured you'd like to enjoy some high quality tea while we're at it. It's been far too long since I drank with someone who actually appreciates tea over coffee. Do you have a good tea set? I'll make us some."
"Good tea and prepared by Ane-san?" Dazai questioned with his eyebrow reaching ever further upwards. "What could you have possibly come to speak with me about that requires buttering me up this much?"
Kouyou made a dignified grimace. "Port Mafia has run into a snag regarding a trade deal."
The genius' face immediately went deadpan. "I left specific protocols with detailed instructions for the Mafia to follow in all its deals. The protocols should still be relevant for another three years, if my predictions are right. Just stick to the schematics I instilled five years ago and there should be no problem with negotiating deals."
"Yes, well, unfortunately, we're dealing with a rather stubborn partner, one who had quite the bone to pick with you in the past."
Dazai got it immediately and scowled. "Ugh, the Butcher's Angels? Why are you lot making deals with their good for nothing leader? Their shipments and money transfers are always late and rarely as discreet as would be appreciated and they always try to screw someone over. Remember when the whiny heiress tried to literally steal that priceless painting off your wall, Ane-san?"
"Yes, well, she's not the heiress anymore; she's their new boss and she wanted to strike a trade deal with the Port Mafia regarding jewelry. However, she refuses to follow the basic schematics you left us for these kinds of deals and insists on a whole new deal, where her attempts to one-up us are rather obvious," the kimono-wearing beauty replied, taking out some files from inside her wide sleeve and handing them to Dazai. "Can you please look it over? I'll make us tea."
"Of course I will! If it means putting that whiny bitch into her place, I'll happily swindle them out of their last yen and make them think they're getting rich!" The Demon Prodigy purred with gusto, already leafing through the files. "You want my signature, too? That bitch hated me so seeing it will probably piss her off extra."
"Yes, please and thank you," Kouyou said as she managed to convince Naomi to get her the President's best traditional tea set. She was swift and precise in preparing the tea, even doing a little flourish as an additional thanks you to Dazai for his help. "I'll need every advantage I can get when dealing with her. She's uncouth and unsightly, but she is shrewd where money is concerned."
Dazai looked up at that, arching an eyebrow. "Oh? You're doing the negotiations and trade? I thought jewels were Chibi's thing."
"Usually, yes, but little miss wannabe mafia queen just so happens to be looking for a husband."
They both grimaced at that. "And she had a thing for Chuuya since we were kids. You know what, lemme just look this over and I'll help you ruin her."
"Much appreciated, lad," purred the swordswoman in dark delight. As she watched Dazai take out some papers and start writing things down for her or correcting things directly on the pages in the files, she took notice of the tense, stunned silence permeating the Agency, all of them staring in shock at the two of them. She arched an elegant eyebrow. "Is something the matter?"
"Y-you-"
"Dazai-san is ... working?" The ginger haired teen interrupted the blond Kouyou knew acted as Dazai's current partner. Nothing at all like her Chuuya, utterly unfitting the title of the Demon Prodigy's partner. An ordinary man with quite some skill, she'll admit to that, but still ordinary. She wondered how long did it take for Dazai to get used to the fact that this man wasn't, well, Chuuya.
"And paperwork!?"
"Dazai-san never does paperwork," Kyouka - and the weretiger, she supposes - added, clearly bewildered. The rest could only stare as Dazai swiftly sifted through dozens of papers, making a whole new trade deal sample on the spot.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kouyou said with an amused huff. "Dazai-kun was the one behind the big bureaucratic reform the Port Mafia went through six and a half years ago. He single-handedly revamped the Mafia's business modus operandi on every level, creating protocols, contracts, special, civilian- and/or government-dealing departments. Suddenly, the entirety of Port Mafia's business was ran like both a business and a country, meaning certain paperwork forms and basic diplomatic and business rules had to be ironed out. The Boss left it all pretty much in Dazai's hands until not only the Port Mafia's financial status and influence stabilized, but also started skyrocketing. All the while, Dazai brutally taught and trained everyone in the protocols he made; our hands were cramped for weeks while we rewrote each and every report or contract to Dazai's standards. The Boss, of course, had it the worst."
"It was my revenge for him suddenly dropping such a huge workload on me from basically the moment I officially joined the mafia with barely any warning," Dazai casually supplied. When they all looked over to him, the detectives collectively choked on nothing - or, in Ranpo's case, whatever snack he'd been munching on - when they saw Dazai simultaneously writing with both hands on two different pieces of paper.
The three older teens nearly fainted when they realized he was writing rather complex looking mathematical and statistical calculations with his left hand while his right seemed to be writing notes on the sidelines of one of the forms Kouyou had brought. To make matters even weirder, he seemed to be checking prices on the stock markets in New York, London and Hong Kong on his laptop and something else on his phone, meaning he was more or less writing everything down without even looking at it.
Kunikida nearly fainted from the display of productivity and competence he would have never thought his partner capable of.
Kouyou just took a sip of her tea before continuing. "After Dazai was sure we knew how to do and properly submit our paperwork, he fell back and only did paperwork that interested him. Thankfully, that was usually the most complex matters to be dealt with so no one really complained. Well, besides Chuuya, since he had to write both their mission reports, but at least Dazai always left him with bullet points to at least help out a bit."
"The slug would simply be too slow on his own and then I'd have to stay around him longer than necessary," the liar lied easily, as though he didn't drag Chuuya around relentlessly as soon as their 'shifts' ended. "Here, I'm done, Ane-san," he called, putting his work down so he can finally take a sip of his tea. He groaned in delight at the taste. "Ah, I missed this. I even stopped drinking tea because you spoiled me too much, Ane-san."
"I'll be sure to send you a box of tins with my next shipment this weekend," she promised before taking the papers and scanning them.
Dazai immediately started explaining. "Forget the diamonds from that mine, reports have shown that their quality and thus their value are slightly below average so Port Mafia would be ripped off for buying them at the proposed price. Instead focus on those Middle Eastern ones. If my predictions are right, the value of iron and copper will skyrocket sometime next month, too, which will be an ideal time to sell. Rely on our own shipment, not theirs, and focus on unpolished gems instead of the polished ores; a trusted informant has notified me that the Butcher's Angels have an Ability user capable of faking the quality of gems as long as they are polished for 72 hours, just long enough to get tested before the Ability wears off. Also, there's a company in Western Virginia, USA, that deals in the black market for uncut, unpolished gems and ores. I've written the name down, I suggest you get in contact with them. Of course, go with the standard deal offer and contract; the rates are more than fair, even in this day and age. Forging good business partners is always important. Tell Mori to lay back on the aluminium, too. Titanium will be of a better price on the stock market for the next several months. I would also suggest buying sapphires and rubies in the following weeks, though not necessarily from the Butcher's Angels. The rest of the instructions are all in there," he said, indicating the files.
Kouyou nodded, clearly pleased as she stacked and folded everything neatly and hid it back inside of her sleeve. "As expected of Dazai Osamu. I will be sure to follow all of your advice and instructions to the letter. Now, tell me, what has my Kyouka been up to since joining this Agency?"
The brunet grinned and leaned back in his seat before he started regaling the Executive with tales of her former charge, all the while ignoring his colleagues and the fact that Kyouka was right there and could hear everything. The others could only continue to gawk at the pair until the tea was drank up and Kouyou left, leaving the opened tin of tea for Dazai's use and promising more will be arriving soon, as promised.
As soon as she was gone, Dazai's usual lazy self returned and he sprawled out on the sofa, putting his headphones back on and fiddling with his phone, all traces of the man who supposedly reorganized the entire biggest criminal syndicate as a teenager gone in the blink of an eye.
Kunikida was on him in seconds, having sufficiently lost his mind at the revelation that Dazai could be extremely good at paperwork, if he actually bothered to put in the effort. Atsushi was seconds away from joining him, as Dazai-s usual victim to foist his paperwork on most days.
President Fukuzawa eventually walked into the main office space to save Dazai from being literally smothered by paperwork quite literally being shoved in his face until he couldn't breathe.
Just another day in the Agency, all in all.