AN: Ok, so I know it took me a little while longer to get this one uploaded... But that's just because I got a little stuck on the letter. But, I hope y'all enjoy anyway. (:

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing.

"God Liv, I don't even know what to say. All I know is I need to talk to you. I need to see you. I need you. I'm fucking lost Liv, and you're the only one who can save me. The only one who can fix me. You gotta let me back in Liv, you gotta."

With a jolt, Olivia was awake. Her dream still haunting her. All she could see was black, and black, and more black. Like a deep, dark hole. And all she could hear was Elliot's voice, saying those words. Those words that she had no idea where they came from. She hadn't read the letter. She just couldn't bring herself to do so. But now, all she could hear was Elliot over and over again. Repeating the same thing... "I'm fucking lost Liv, and you're the only one who can save me. The only one who can save me. The only one who can save me."

They were haunting her, persistently, these words. But yet, they had no home, no start, no originating source. Elliot had never said them to her. And granted, they could read each other like books and anticipate the next move, or the next phrase to be uttered, just by looking at each other, but there was no way she could know what that letter said without reading it.

Damn it, now she's going to have to read it. She needs to know. Because otherwise, she's just going to peg it up to going crazy. And she'd prefer not to lose her sanity.

She stumbles up from her bed, making her way to her kitchen counter. The letter remained, in the exact same spot she had left it last night. She had considered throwing it out. But she was just too exhausted then to make a decision, a wise one at least. After all, she was Olivia Benson; she did not make rash decisions. She stops, she evaluates, she considers, and then after all has been examined and taken into account, she makes a decision. Some call it strange; she calls it part of being a damn good Detective.

Opening the envelope, she slid the letter out, and then froze. She had to prepare herself; she had no idea what this letter could contain. It could change so much, it could change everything.

Unfolding it, her breath hitched in her throat. There staring straight back at her, his familiar writing. She swears she's seen this handwriting a million times, but somehow tonight, it looks different. Yet the same.

It's now, in the earliest hours before dawn, reading this letter, that all of her past actions, reprocusions, and regrets come crashing down on her. She can almost vividly remember all of the times she told Elliot to "Fuck off", or to "Go to hell". She regrets them all now. Yet, she doesn't. She knows that everything that happened in the past molded them to what they are now. Or, what they used to be at least. Before Jenna, before innocent lives all over that squad room were taken, before despair and regret and sadness set in. She does however, know that she wouldn't be regretting all those times she lost her very tightly wound temper with him right now, if he wouldn't be gone. She knows they aren't the reason he's gone. Not the entire reason anyway. But, she still feels like they are just one more wrong doing to add to their history. Their history that can't be changed, and can't be repaired. She knows she's only feeling this way because it's too little, too late. And that hurts. She figures it must hurt him too. Another reason that prompts her to unfold the letter and begin to bear witness to what he said…..

"Liv. I…. Well hell, I don't even know what the fuck to say. God, I'm an asshole. I know it. I do. I'm writing you a letter. A fucking letter, after 12 years and that's all the better I can do. I'm a coward. Yeah, I'm that now too. It's been a long time. Too long, most likely. And that's Ok; I don't blame you for that being your consideration. But I need to talk to you, Liv. I need you, I need my partner." Well, there went her breath, his partner. A year after his departure, and still his partner. "I need to hear your voice, to see your face. To know that you're Ok, that your still breathing. That everything that happened didn't tear you apart. I need you, Liv. You probably consider me ridiculous about now. That's Ok too, because so do I. But, I had to go. I had to. And I don't mean right after Jenna, I don't mean leaving SVU. Of course I was going then, of course I was leaving. I had to leave SVU. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take what I had done. I shot a child. A child, Liv. I had a daughter much too close to her age. I couldn't separate myself, and you and I both know what that does to a person in this job. Not to mention IAB was doing nothing short of breathing down my neck. Well, more like wrapping their boney little fingers around my neck and squeezing. I was just easier to leave; at least I could keep my dignity in the public eye. Even if not in my eyes. But, I had to leave then too. After I left SVU, after all happened with Jenna. Even after all the dust mostly settled, and I could have made my first attempts at leading a normal life. I had to get somewhere and get my shit, and my head together. I couldn't keep fucking up lives. I couldn't risk that. I couldn't risk casualties. My children, my wife. Hell, even you. I couldn't fuck up your life like that Liv. I've already done so much damage over the years, I just couldn't do anymore. I just couldn't do it again." She would let him fuck it up all over again, just to have him back in it. She knew he knew that. "You didn't deserve that. God, you deserved better, so much better. I'm sorry I couldn't give that to you. I fucked it up. And it's not fair. It's not fair to you, to the squad, to my wife, my children. Hell, I'd say it's not even fair to me, but I don't know how much of a right I have to be selfish about now. I think I've used that right up. Used it up dry, for all it's worth. But you, you deserve the right to be selfish. But I know you Liv, and you're not. You might be pissed, but deep down, subconsciously somewhere, you're worrying more about me, and where I am and how I am, than being selfish. That's just the way you get Liv." Trying to tolerate just how well he still knew her, even after a year, was getting increasingly fucking difficult. "And I'm sorry for that too. If I knew how to really change that, I would. But then again, worrying about someone else before you even consider yourself, is not only what makes you a damn good cop, it's one of the things that makes you a damn good person. You don't deserve the shit I did to you, Liv. But you have to know…. Leaving, it's what was right. I should have just done so a little differently. I need to see you Liv. Or at least hear from you. Even just a phone call will do. I'd ask for a letter back, but I know you don't do this kind of crap. Just…. Call me. Please, Liv.

Semper FI, El."

There it was again, Semper FI. This time, she didn't even try to hold it in, she let the tears flow. She cried for her partner, for herself, for their lives and what they used to have, and she cried for her decision. The one she now had to make. Because, she didn't have a fucking clue what to do, and that not only confused her, but it pissed her off. So as she sat at her kitchen counter, holding what was left of her partner, and of herself, she cried. Some tears were sorrow, some were anger, but mostly they were just plain tears. She couldn't explain them, other than "Elliot tears". She had cried these tears before, they were no strangers. So for now, she would wallow, not too much, but just enough. And tomorrow, she would make her decision.