(baby blued)

"She refuses to go to the doctor. She keeps saying that they are going to lock her up and I'll leave and take Augustino from her. I've told her I would never do that. I promised her I would even go with her if it would help but she's scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I thought being here would make things easier but she's getting worse. I don't know what to do"

She woke up wrapped in cold sweaty sheets and immediately reached out across a cold and empty bed. Ava couldn't leave and Ashlee would do whatever it took to bring her back. Ashlee wouldn't let her carelessly throw away all their hopes and dreams during the middle of the night as Ashlee slept unaware. Her heart raced and bile slowly rose in her throat at the thought of losing not only Ava but also Augustino. Foggy images of Ava packing her clothes even as Ashlee crawled on her hands and knees begging for another chance confused her. Tracking down her family was the only thing on Ashlee's mind but the weight on her chest made each step feel as if she was wading into sinking sand. She was once arrested for attempted murder but not even the prospect of life in prison made Ashlee feel as panicked and as out of control as she did stumbling in the darkened hallway. The frustrations of the last few months flooded her mind.

The blonde hadn't seen her wife more than a handful of time in the four weeks of Ava's hospitalization. On the drive up Ava had been either been asleep or silent and that was perfectly fine with Ashlee. She'd been so stressed that silence or snores were much preferable to the soft whine of Ava's frequent crying jags. In her head Ashlee prayed that all the pain would just go away. That there was a magic pill or a healing touch that would bring back the vibrant woman she'd fallen in love with and this hollow aching shell would finally be filled but that's not what happened. Ashlee trusted these people with her wife and they'd done nothing but turn Ava against her.

There were meetings and conferences with her doctors and social workers and all sorts of theories were suggested and alternately rejected. Ashlee didn't care if it was genetic or environmental. Ashlee didn't care if it was a slow drag or a sudden crash she just wanted her wife back. But they had taken Ava away and kept her hidden behind a panel of well-meaning phrases and empathetic but ineffectual strangers. They told Ashleee when she could see her wife and they told her how long each meeting would last. At the very least Ashlee expected them to sleep together. She had willingly offered to check herself into a mental institution just for the possibility of sharing Ava's bed. Even after Ava refused to respond, speak, or even touch her Ashlee had at least been able to watch her sleep but even that was taken away. It hurt more than Ashlee could say but being away from their son was destroying her. When Ava's doctors once again sited mounting agitation for Ava's absence from their daily couple's counseling Ashlee packed her bags intent on seeing her son for the weekend.

"Where's Ava? How is she?" Would be the first things on everyone's lips when they saw her but what could Ashlee say? I don't know. The doctors say she's okay but I still haven't seen her. Was it over? Had Ava fallen out of love with her? How could the marriage survive this distance? All these questions swirled around her head as she thought of Stino growing up without her. It had been four weeks and Ava was no closer to being cured.

The thought of sitting through one more couple's counseling alone listening to strangers tell her about her marriage filled Ashlee with impotent rage. How could Ava get better if Ashlee wasn't allowed to help her? Couldn't they see how much they needed each other? Each day without her wife was slowly killing Ashlee and the only remedy was time with her son but the door swung open before Ashlee closed the suitcase. It was a complete shock to see Ava standing in the doorway with undisguised fury in her eyes. "How are you?" she tried before her throat constricted with grief. "You look really good" Ashlee tried again before getting cut off.

"Considering I'm locked up in a loony bin you mean?"

"What?" It was as if she fell down a rabbit hole. "What are you talking about?"

"Did you think I would just let you leave and take my son from me? What were you going to do have my doctor trick me into signing over my rights? Is that really what you think of me?" Ava screamed as she snatched Ashlee's bags from her hand. "If you think I'm going to give my son, my flesh and blood to you you don't know shit about me."

The bags tumbled from Ashlee's hands as she listened to the venom in Ava's voice. "He's Our son. Yours and mine." Ashlee reminded as she kicked the thrown bag away. "He is our son"

"And I am not going to let you take him and poison him against me. I don't care what everyone says you aren't going to use this to keep him from me."

"What the hell are you talking about? Where is all of this coming from?" Most importantly where the hell were the nurses when someone really needed them? For a month it was like Ava was guarded by a Secret Service detail but now not one person was in sight. "Ava please tell me what's going on, please."

"You don't have to stay here and pretend to care about me anymore. I know what you want. I know everything."

Trying her best to control her temper and emotions Ashlee evenly breathed out "I don't know what you think you know but"

"I know that you're trying to steal my son from me but it won't work." Ava vowed poking Ashlee in the chest and slapping away her hands. "Olivia will never allow you and Doris to take Augustino."

"Ava"

"You and your mother can go straight to hell!" Ava screamed as three nurses stumbled into the door.

"Leave." Ashlee said without bothering to further acknowledge their presence.

"Mrs Wolf we"

"It Wolf-Peralta and I said get out while my wife and I are having this conversation" At any time they could face a patient in a violently psychotic rage but seeing the normally meek young lady's steely gaze had them backing out of the doorway as Ashlee proceeded to ignore their unnecessary intrusion. "Whatever you heard is wrong. Completely and totally wrong. I could never hurt you like that."

"So how do you explain this?" Ava asked waving her hand across the room. "You locked me away from my family and now you're leaving me."

"I'm going to see our son but I promise that I am not leaving you." It was the last thing she was sure Ava heard before the nurses rushed towards her with a needle filled with Ativan. She slept the rest of the day and the doctors were sure that Ava wouldn't even remember the exchange. Ashlee never mentioned it and when Ava woke she finally started to come to herself. It was the first time that Ashlee could sense a spark of life in her wife's eyes but the fear lingered in Ashlee's mind during their drive home a month later.

"Ava…Ava where are you?" Ashlee called out as her voice rose in the still night.

Looking out from the nursery with Stino resting on her shoulder Ava hissed "Hush you're going to wake him. I've almost got him to back to sleep" towards her sleep addled wife.

Ashlee stumbled blearily into the wall trying to rub the sleep from her eyes. "You're here?"

"Did you think Mary Poppins broke into the house to wipe his butt and feed him?" Logically she knew there was no reason to get pissed but averaging only 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep was never the best for her attitude. "And what are you doing up? Don't blame me if you fall asleep in your theory class." The fact that everyone was better at mothering Stino than Ava did nothing to improve her mood but it was her own fault. Every time Ava thought about the months she'd spent ignoring her son as he cried hungry and wet her stomach twisted into burning knots of pain. For three months Ashlee took care of the both of them and Ava couldn't even deal with thirty minutes of awakened sleep. "Go back to bed I have him."

It was another fifteen minutes before Ava could safely put him down but the forty-five minutes of pacing and singing were almost wasted when she yelped as she tripped over Ashlee's foot in the doorway. "Are you trying to kill me? Hoping to double down on that life insurance policy if I break my neck?" Ava asked with a growl before she saw sweat pouring down her wife's face. "Ash what's wrong? Are you sick baby?"

The cool hand wiping her brown should have been reassuring but Ashlee could only think about the nightmare she'd just escaped and begged. "Don't leave me." Not even on the nights when Ava rejected her every show of affection did Ashlee's voice bleed such vulnerability. "Please Ava I'll do anything just don't leave me."

Pushing Ashlee towards their bedroom Ava promised "Baby I'm not leaving you."

"I can't lose you and Stino. If I lost you two I'd…"

It wasn't until she heard that unfinished sentence that Ava understood her wife's fear. It didn't matter that it had come without warning in the middle of a long night, Ashlee needed her and Ava was determined to give back what she'd selfishly taken. "You will never lose me ever." Taking the trembling hand and placing it on her chest "Do you feel that Ashlee? That's my heart beating because of you. I would die without you. I would rather die than be without you." The words were spoken as solemnly as if they were wedding vows and the tone somehow reached Ashlee even through the nightmare's fog.

Falling onto the bed Ashlee reached out with tears filling her eyes "I need you"

"You have me. Always."