(Catherine Peralta)

"Yes for many years her mom has been a wealthy woman with vivid green eyes and sun kissed hair but still late at night when she was between sleep and wakefulness it was of warm brown eyes that Ava sought comfort in. She'd learned to cling to Olivia's alto voice in those dark days when death seemed not only preferable but actual salvation after losing Max but in the shadows the soft lilting soprano of Catherine was never far behind.

Ava had been silent and withdrawn for the past few days and the dark clouds were not getting better as they sat eating breakfast. Ashlee thought it might have something to do with the important safety inspection but Ava had never reacted like this before. At work the staff was surreptitiously complaining about her increasing demands and at home she was avoiding spending any time with Ashlee. A few years ago Ashlee might have obsessed and overreacted that Ava must be having an affair but a few years of marriage had calmed most of her insecurities. There was something wrong and it was up to her to use Ava's unconscious clues to figure out this problem.

Simply asking would never work because according to Ava she never had any problems. There wasn't anything that Ava couldn't use her quick and biting wit to battle through. On the day they married Ashlee vowed not only to love her wife but also to protect Ava even from herself. Usually after a few moments of reflection and careful questioning Ashlee could get Ava to atleast acknowledge the difficulty but that was only part of the problem. Although her wife had given up most of her self-destructive tendencies there was still an aching core that Ashlee could only briefly glimpse. Ava no longer ran from one meaningless relationship to the next and she no longer sabotaged every avenue towards happiness but the emptiness that precipitated these tendencies was still present.

Ava laughed that she was genetically predisposed to angst but Ashlee thought it was more than that. The anger, humiliation, and shame Ava confronted upon learning her conception was only part of the problem. It was hurt, agony, and loneliness that kept Ava ill at ease and running since the death of her adoptive mother. Catherine Peralta had been Ava's entire world before her abrupt and meaningless death. Ava had just graduated from high school and was looking forward to starting a new chapter in her life when her mother fell dead from a brain aneurism. One day everything was before her and the next Ava was completely and utterly lost. She'd never gotten over that. There wasn't anything she could trust completely because the one thing Ava depended on was snatched from her.

Looking sharply at her day planner Ashlee realized with a shock that it would be her late mother-in-law's birthday in a week. Ava never mentioned it and rarely spoke about her mother unless she was feeling especially vulnerable but Ashlee could not believe she'd forgotten something so important. Now that she knew what the issue was it didn't solve the problem. If anything the sudden insight made things worse. Ava would not willingly discuss this and would stubbornly refuse to open up to probing. It was a precarious position. Say something and risk Ava shutting down emotionally or pray that eventually Ava's emotions would settle. "I'm still feeling a little tired do you want to take a nap with me?" Instead of answering Ava reached over and took Ashlee's hand and led her into their bedroom. Ashlee watched Ava pull down the covers as she pushed the thick drapes together. Once Ava was relaxing in her arms Ashlee opened what she hoped would be a cathartic discussion. "I wish that I could have known you when you were younger and before you came to the bowels' of hell otherwise known as Springfield."

"I was the same just a bit skinnier and a lot less cynical" Ava said.

Ashlee made a calculated move to gage Ava's willingness to discuss the past. It wasn't often that Ava denied her anything but the past was the one subject that Ava consistantly shied away from. "Oh I think you probably still had a smart mouth. I can't imagine you as a teenager not getting into it with your mother over every little thing." Please Ava trust me Ashlee prayed as she held her wife. She could feel the tension in Ava's body and half expected to be rebuffed but Ava only sat quietly before softly responding.

"My mom had a three strikes rule. I could smart off about two things if I didn't get too disrespectful but on the third she'd point to me and say 'not another word' and I knew better than to try her again."

"Sounded like a very wise woman. There's no use fighting every battle with teenagers."

"She didn't get mad easily but when she did she could have given Olivia a tough fight." It was quiet for several more minutes before Ava commented again. "She had a great laugh and an amazing smile. I don't think I've ever seen another person light up the way she did when she smiled."

Ashlee could feel most of the tension bleeding out of her wife but did not kid herself that would make the conversation easier. If anything Ava might be pissed that she'd let her guard down. Best to continue taking things slowly and listen more than speak. "When's the last time you were in your hometown?"

Ashlee felt Ava's body twitch but that was the only indication that the other woman might be upset. "I never went back after the funeral."

"Don't you miss it?"

"Bingham Farms? No. I mean I sometimes think of the people I went to school with or our old house but after my mom died none of it mattered anymore. I couldn't be there without her."

"What about your aunts and uncles in New Jersey? Don't you ever wonder about them?"

"They never gave a damn about me. After no one came to the funeral I figured out that they didn't care I just couldn't understand why they hated me until I learned I was adopted. I was never family in their eyes so when she died they didn't have to pretend to care at family reunions and vacations."

Turning over Ashlee moved to hold Ava tightly as she confided "Now that we have children I want them to know about her. I want them to know what kind of woman raised their mother."

"I want that too."

That was much easier than expected Ava must have been in a lot of pain if she was giving in so soon. "I want us to go back for her birthday."

"Ashlee there is nothing in that town that's worth going back to."

"Yes there is. Your childhood was there and more importantly your mother's grave is there." Now she could feel Ava not only shrinking but pulling away. "You haven't been back to her grave. She deserves to be honored and you need…"

"I don't need to go to a rundown town to look at an stupid rock to honor my mother."

"No you don't but it would help." Ashlee said as Ava moved out of the bed and walked towards the bathroom. "I can see how much this is hurting you and I want to do whatever I can to make it better."

"Nothing is going to make it better. My mother isn't ever coming back whether I spend ten minutes or ten years in Bingham."

"You're right she's not but it would give our children somewhere to pay their respects and I think it would give you some peace. I can feel the anxiety building in you. You're always itching to be somewhere else but it's never any different regardless of how far you go. You've been running since she died and I think it's time that you stop." Ashlee kept expecting Ava to yell and scream that Ashlee knew nothing about her situation. She kept waiting for the explosion of anger but Ava only watched her with haunted vacant eyes. Taking Ava's head in her hands Ashlee whispered "Baby I know you couldn't go back before because you were all alone but I'm here now. I will never leave you. No matter what happens I will always be your safe place."

"But I don't want to go there Ash. It's such a stupid little marker. How can everything my mother ever was be represented by an index card." Ava cried as tears streamed down her face.

Pulling Ava tightly Ashlee kissed her head and promised "Then we'll get her a proper headstone and maybe engrave her picture on it. We'll celebrate her birthdays and you'll tell stories about her to me and our children." Looking Ava in the eyes she added. "You need this and she deserves it."