Chapter 13: Cat's POV (In the band room)
Haley's lips pressed down onto Josh's and I froze in shock. Before I could even process what I saw, I turned and ran out of the school. The scene keeps replaying in my head like a terrible nightmare. I try to rationalize what I had just seen but I can only reach one conclusion: Josh never loved me. This realization destroys me.
By the time I reach my house I'm sobbing uncontrollably. I pull open the door and run upstairs, the same thoughts running through my head. Josh doesn't love me. He never loved me. Why did I believe that he did? No one loves me. I'm not good enough for anyone. I yank open the top dresser drawer looking for the one thing that could make the pain stop. I shove clothes out of my way and find my razor on the bottom. I grip the small piece of metal tightly as I walk into the bathroom and lock the door.
I drop onto the floor, still crying. I press the cool metal to my wrist and press down hard, pulling the blade across my skin. Blood instantly pours down my arm and I feel relief immediately. I don't hesitate to make three more identical cuts on the same wrist before repeating the action on my right wrist.
By the time I finish the last cut, I'm already feeling dizzy. Black spots start to cloud my vision just as I hear a knock on the door. The last thing I see before I slip away is Josh bursting into the room.
I don't know how long I'm unconscious, but the first thing I remember is hearing people talking all around me. I try to open my eyes, but it doesn't work. Instead I try to focus on the conversation around me.
"-negative impact on her chances of survival," is the first thing I hear.
"Okay?" a different man answers. This voice sounds familiar.
"It appears that Ms. Millitello has been dealing with self-harming behavior for a while now. Were you aware of this?" the first person is talking again.
"Yes," the second voice answers again. "I was trying to help her. Is that all?" Where have I heard this voice before.
"I'm afraid not, she is also extremely malnourished. It appears that she has also been suffering from Anorexia Nervosa," the first man says.
I hear what sounds like crying and I know it must be the second man. My heart breaks at the sound. This man shouldn't be crying.
"I take it you were not aware of this?" the first man asks.
"No," the man answers, "I had no idea."
"We have a feeding tube installed for now to rebuild her nutrients, but between the blood loss and the starvation, her chances aren't very good." There is a pause at the first man's words.
"Can you leave me alone with her for now?" the second man asks.
"Of course son, I hope she wakes up." I hear a door shut and I feel someone grab my hand. The second man must still be here and he's still crying. He sounds like he's in so much pain and it make me want to cry. Who is this man and why does he mean so much to me?
"Cat," I hear after awhile. I guess my name is Cat, "I love you so much. I wrote this for you this morning when I was lying in bed next to you and I was going to sing it for you. But now-," he stops to cry, "—now I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to do this." And he starts to sing.
You thought by now
You'd have it figured out
You can't erase the way it pulls
When seasons change
It hurts sometimes
To find where you begin
You are perfect porcelain
At the last line, I recognize the voice: Josh.
The slow and simple melody
Of tears you cannot keep from me
It's alright if you don't know what you need
I'm right here when
You need someone to see
It's not speak
Or forever hold your peace
It's alright to take time
And find where you've been
You are perfect porcelain
The slow and simple melody
Of tears you cannot keep from me
It's alright if you don't know what you need
Oh, when your heart releases,
You won't fall to pieces
You'll let those old diseases lie
Oh, and your heart releases,
You won't fall to pieces
And your breath comes crashing in
Like perfect porcelain
The slow and simple melody
Of tears you cannot keep from me
It's alright if you don't know what you need
"I love you Cat," he says softly once he's finished.
"I love you too, Josh," I think.