(Insecurity)

"If you can't what? What's going on with you Ash? What has you so scared all of a sudden? We've seen each other naked lots of times. What made you freak out tonight?"

"Jake" Ashlee ground out.

"Jake what the fuck does Jake have to do with anything?"

"He said that I. He said that I would never be able to please you. That you couldn't possibly be satisfied by someone like me and once you realized that he would take you away from me"

In less than a month Ashlee would be returning to work and leaving their children to her wife's fulltime care. When they first married they were agreed that any babies they had would be their first priority. Careers and education were secondary and that was fine until Ashlee had the brilliant idea of expanding their family even before she graduated from Northwestern. It had been a hard three years spent changing diapers, writing theses, and analyzing spreadsheets but Ava and Ashlee had done it. They had come through that time stronger if not more tired than ever but eventually things changed. Ava was given more responsibilities in franchising the Beacon and Ashlee was offered a dream position at NYU. They both wanted to be fulltime caregivers but life demands kept calling.

Landing someone as loving and responsible as Amy had been a major feat but neither woman wanted to hand their children over to another stranger. The twins were older and a bit more rowdy than before but now there was a high strung baby with abandonment issues not to mention the grandmothers and abuela who would be helicoptering in every five minutes so Ashlee had just stayed at home. But now after almost a year after giving up her career she had again found the perfect job. If her children did not drive her crazy in the next few days that is.

When she reached over to turn off the blaring alarm clock there were two children fast asleep between her and Ava. Ashlee didn't even look under the covers to investigate before starting breakfast because it was such a common occurrence. Once Ava tried locking their door and had held Ashlee down when tiny fists and soft cries rang through the night but after a week of waking to her sleeping babies piled up outside her bedroom the door went back to being unlocked. This was probably the one thing that Ashlee was going to miss the most although she would never admit it to her wife. While she always cooked for her family in the mornings she was given more opportunity for one and one time with each.

By the time Ashlee was standing in front of the stove Ali had wandered out of the bed to join her. The little girl was still more clingy than probably normal but having three children previously had broken Ashlee out of the need for personal space. Ali would lay down directly behind wherever she found her mother and Ashlee would be forced to step over the girl as she slept. It had taken a few tries but Ashlee got to the point that she didn't even need to look down to know where it was safe to step. In a few minutes Stino stumbled in half asleep and mostly naked. For some reason the boy had started sleeping nude. He complained of "it" being too tight. Ava and Ashlee had bought larger pajamas and looser underwear but by morning all the covers were kicked off and he was completely naked. The parents compromised that he could sleep in the buff if he made sure to put his boxers on before he left the room. Ashlee held Ali as they watched Stino eat and before long Spence was running into the room with Thomas at his heels. How she would get out of medicating her son for ADHD when he started school she didn't know but she intended her best to figure it out. He practically vibrated with energy and spent as much time on top of or underneath the table as in front of it. She didn't want to be a mother that constantly harped to the point that Spence completely ignored her but it was hard not to react each time his behavior crossed the line.

My morning babies are what she called Ali, Stino, and Spence. The three of them effortlessly woke and interacted fairly well with each except sporadic love taps that siblings shared but without nearly the tension and effort that the other two caused. Even Ali knew not to interact with Ava before the woman had her first cup of coffee. Her eyes were practically sealed shut as she drug herself straight to the pot and took two long sips of the volcanic brew. It took a couple of seconds and then it was as if a switch had been flipped and the Ava and Mama that they loved was back. They sat around the table talking for a few minutes before Ashlee sent Ali on a mission that no one else in the family dared, waking Cat. The girl was blessed or whisperer but she was the only individual that could get Cat out of bed without suffering a slapped face or kicked shin in the process. Eventually and after much effort her family would be gathered around the table preparing of their day and there wasn't a better time to let each of them know how loved and valued they were. This is what she would miss most when she returned to work Ashlee thought as she watched Ava and Stino drive off in the car.

Wondering how Ava was handle these moments was also a huge worry as she counted down the days. Her wife was a wonderful mother and the children loved being with her but there was still the fact that Ava didn't always do things correctly. Ashlee's way and how to reconcile that Ava's way could be just as effective. She was slowly moving towards that opinion but it still needed a bit of massaging so Ava was spending her final two weeks coming home early to learn the approved way. Ashlee was about to text Ava a grocery list when the phone rang. "I was just thinking about you."

"And why is that a surprise? I thought I was always on your mind." Ava laughed.

"Oh you are. In more ways than one but I was hoping to convince you to pick up a few things on your way home."

"And how exactly were you going to do that?"

"I believe I could think up a few things" Ashlee said with a smile before hearing her wife softly moan on the other end.

"As much as I would like to get into the particulars of that I was wondering if you had anything planned for tonight?"

Whispering Ashlee teased her wife with "I don't think I could even describe all the things that I have planned for us."

"Baby you're killing me" Ava tried again while Ashlee chuckled.

"Fine spoil sport what's more important than flirting with your wife?"

"Nothing sweetheart but something did just come up that I'm hoping you'll be okay with."

"Okay you're starting to sound a lot like Stino when he's broken something. What's up?"

"Um how would you feel about having company for dinner?" Ava asked after a brief hesitation.

"Tonight? Um. Okay is it the person you were meeting from California?"

"Yes we were able to iron out the details before lunch but I was hoping that maybe…"

"You could bring them home? Sure sweetie so who is this master schmoozer I'm about to meet?"

"Um. Ah. Um." Ava started a few times before clearing her throat and starting again. "About that."

"What's going on Ava? Who is it?" Ashlee inquired a bit more forcefully. More and more she was starting to see her son's behavior in her wife and it made her just as nervous. "Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

"Well did I tell you that the person was a representative of Rowe and Rowe my old company?"

"No I don't think you mentioned that. That's fine I mean unless it was…" Ashlee said before Ava interrupted.

"Actually he isn't actually from R&R he's the manager of a subsidiary company. I didn't even know they were even affiliated until today. It's not like I would have kept something like this from you."

"Of course you wouldn't." Ashlee agreed wondering why Ava's voice was getting so strained. "I don't care it is if you feel that you liked them enough to bring home. I mean I don't even remember any of the people you worked with except…"

"I would never want to do anything to upset you. I hope you know how much you mean to me. It's just that I was good friends with this person before I left and it seemed like a good idea at the time that he come over to have dinner with us but maybe I should cancel. You know what I will never mind. I've changed my mind. I'll just have lunch with him here and I'll be home right after. What did you want me to get from the store?"

"Hold up. What's going on here? First you want to have him over and now you've changed your mind? Why is this even an issue unless…" Ashlee stopped waiting for Ava to reassure her that they were not discussing the same man. "Ava tell me that Jake isn't the man you invited to our house."

"Baby please just hear me out."

"You invited that man to our house? What the hell were you thinking!"

"I just thought well." Ava stopped and collected her thoughts before trying again. "I didn't know that it was going to be him today so when I walked in and saw him standing in the lobby and we started talking it seemed like a good idea at the time. He was a good friend when I was going through a rough time."

"Yes I know exactly how good of a friend."

"Ash please it's not like that. We talked about work and our families. It was like before we even started dating." I don't think you can date a married man it was an affair Ashlee thought but had the good sense enough not to say aloud. "You were okay with us talking on linkedin."

"I was anything but okay with that. If I were I wouldn't have made you promise never to email, call, or contact him more than every few months two or three times at a time. But I accepted that he was a part of your past and that I can't control everything you do."

"Baby"

"Are you talking to him over the phone? Are you having lunch with him today? Is that why you weren't answering your phone?"

"Yes I asked him to lunch but I have never broken our agreement. I didn't know that he was the person they would be sending."

"I bet he couldn't say the same."

"Ash"

"If you want to have dinner with him fine just make sure you pick up something on your way home." Ashlee said effectively ending their conversation.

"I'm sorry I don't want to upset you. I didn't realize. I'm sorry. I'll cancel with him."

"No don't. You're right. You were friends before and you two happened to meet again for a business function. Please invite him over and I promise that I will make him feel welcomed." Ashlee said more conviction than she actually felt.

"Are you sure? I don't want this to hurt us. I like him and I enjoyed talking with him but if I never heard from him again it wouldn't affect me either way. You and our family are all that matter to me."

"I know. I'll see you soon." Ashlee heard but didn't respond to the I love you her wife offered. It wasn't out of spite but she was still reeling from the new found information. Jackson Steel was probably one of the most charismatic and ruggedly good looking man she'd ever met. Yes he and her wife shared a past but so did her wife and several handsome men right there in Springfield. If anyone should make her jealousy peak it should have been wealthy CEO and heir Alan-Michael. Hell Ava was married to Bill and had a child with Remy and none of those men inspired a tenth of the animosity that Jake did. But none of those other men had boldly challenged to steal her wife back. It was years ago and long before the couple had ever married and he could have changed but for some reason Ashlee didn't think so. She wouldn't put it past the man to have hidden his position just to provoke some response not only from Ava but from herself as well. His wedding gift to them was an expensive espresso set from his and Ava's favorite San Francisco coffee house. After Stino was born he sent the boy a miniature copy of the roadster that he had seduced her wife in. He didn't need to say it explicitly Ashlee could see it from Ava's barely contained reactions. He wanted what she had and Ashlee would be damned if he would succeed. If he wanted to flaunt their past to Ashlee then he would see just what he would never have again.

By the time Ava came home all the children except Ali were at Blake and her mother's for the night and the little girl was fast asleep upstairs. She came in cautiously still expecting the disappointment and hurt that she heard over the phone but Ashlee was intent on holding it together at least until the night was over. After that she was going to make sure to find out where Ava's head was throughout all of this. She sent her upstairs to get dressed with as passionate a kiss as she could manage without bending her over the table. Having Jake see Ava freshly fucked and satiated was a running thought but Ashlee reasoned it would be better to have her wife on edge and waiting for her. He would know that he could never satisfy her as she could. It was a completely confusing situation for Ava because she braced herself for a knock down fight and was immediately swept into teasing that she had not experienced since before they made love. She was definitely on edge in more ways than one.

The dinner was fabulous and Ashlee pulled out all the stops for the meal. Ava was wondering if she should surprise her wife with more dinner guests if this was the response. Ava and Jake commiserated about their new positions and laughed about past business aspirations. They laughed and joked about difficult past supervisors and customers and shared their struggles for success. Jake was completely respectful and appropriate and to someone else it might have looked like any other meeting between old friends. Yet to Ashlee the desire in his eyes was only hidden just below the surface. The hostility and vulnerability he radiated that day at hospital was still as open and visible. What he hoped to accomplish she could not fathom but she knew in her heart that she would die before she let Ava go.

Ashlee was serving the dessert when Ali started to cry. When she looked over to hand him the plate before leaving he gave her the same smug and self-satisfied smirk had had when Ava asked to speak to him alone that night in her apartment. He expected to get Ava then and he expected the same now. Just moments alone with him would make Ava forget all about her he believed. She wouldn't let him see the fear in her eyes but she did do something that she wished she could have done before. Leaning over she kissed Ava as soundly as possible without sliding over into obscene before comforting their daughter.

The girl was finally getting the cold that her sister and brothers had been passing around for weeks and could not be settled without great effort and time. Eventually Ashlee bathed her to cool her down and held her in the rocking chair as the girl lightly dozed. She tried not to think about what was going on downstairs between her wife and that man. They hadn't even finished the second bottle of wine before she left and she prayed that nothing would blur or weaken her wife's defenses. There was no reason why Ashlee couldn't just go down there to get the other medicines in the refrigerator or get a cup of cold water for the girl. Hell she could even go to update Ava on Ali's condition but Ashlee wouldn't do that. Whatever was going to happen would happen without her interference. Ava chose her once and Ashlee prayed with all of her heart that she would do again. There was nothing else that she could believe.

"Shhh don't worry I'm just putting her down into her crib." Ashlee heard Ava say but the room was darkened and her voice was muted. When her eyes did adjust to the shadowy light she saw Ava had already showered and changed for the night. How long had she been asleep? "Aw poor baby finally fell victim to your siblings' germs." Ava softly laughed. "Now how about I help mommy get ready for bed."

Turning away the hand that Ava offered Ashlee asked "How long have I been up here? When did Jake leave?"

"Let's go into the other room before we wake her?" Ava said trying again to help her wife.

"No tell me how long I was up here taking care of our daughter while you were downstairs with him." Even though the words were softly said Ashlee could tell that Ava felt there weight by the way her eyes fluttered. "And why have you already taken a bath?" At the last part her voice broke in rapidly mounting fear.

"He left about ten minutes after you came up here and I accidently splashed sauce all over my top and in my hair when I stumbled over some toys in the kitchen when I was cleaning up." Ava said with her hand still held out.

Hot shame filled Ashlee's face as she looked down and took the offered help. "I'm sorry" she whispered as they walked into their bedroom.

"It's okay." Ava mumbled as she pulled the covers apart.

"No its not I'm sorry. I don't know why I would ask those questions. I know that you would never hurt me and our family like that. I know that you love me as much as I love you. Please forgive me." Ashlee begged.

Not looking up Ava asked "Why did you say that he could come if you didn't want him here? I told you that I would have understood. He was a good friend a long time ago but you are my life."

"I don't want to make choices like that for you again. I know that you were hurt when I put so many stipulations on your interactions with him. I just didn't want to make you, I don't know, regret picking me."

At that Ava pulled Ashlee close and pulled her chin up so that they were looking eye to eye. "Baby I could never do that. I'm fine with whatever makes you feel comfortable. I don't need him in my life. I only need you."

Crying Ashlee buried her head in Ava's shoulder and sobbed "I'm sorry for not trusting enough in you."

"You don't ever have to be scared or ashamed to tell me how you feel. Yours is the only opinion that matters to me. Please believe that. I love you."