Shaken and restored faith
(Ashlee hoped for lots of students to distract her from her worries. Walking in the door she first smelt then saw a vase filled with assorted colored tea roses. "Oh"
"Should I be jealous? I've heard about student professor affairs")
"Avahhh" Ashlee cried out from the bedroom above. It was the first time this month that they'd been alone for more than a few hours and her wife was messing about downstairs instead of in their bed making love to her. The girls were spending the night at the farmhouse awaiting morning when their abuelo and grandma took them to Chicago to see their aunt Fancy playing soccer. Spence and Stino might have been a better choice since they both played the game but the dean had given Doris four tickets to the college's Seattle hockey game. It was Stino's new passion. Natalia was of the opinion that it was a chance for her nieto's Spencer genes to finally break through. When the phone woke her Ashlee rolled over and reached out for her wife and found an empty cool space she was understandably pissed. "Avahh"
The house was too quiet for Ava to sleep long. She kept expecting Ally or Spence to wander into the room demanding breakfast and a section of mattress. It was amazing what one got used to. If Thomas were barking or the kids yelling she wouldn't have moved an inch but a few limbs scraping across the roof and she was up in seconds. As she made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich the phone rang. According to the microwave it was a little after midnight so who would be calling this late? The irritation for the inconvenience soon left as she imagined either her mother or in laws calling about one of the children. "Hello? Hello?"
"Ashlee? Ash?" a vaguely familiar male said over the phone. "Baby can you talk?"
In that second the world and the cellphone fell away and pain unlike anything she'd ever experienced enveloped her. "No. No." She kept whispering over and over to herself. By the time Ashlee found her Ava was shivering not only from the cold but also the overwhelming fear of her life upending.
"What are you doing down there?" Ashlee immediately asked when she found her wife crouched behind the sofa with Thomas laying on her lap. "Ava? Ava? What's wrong baby?" she asked as she attempted to pull Ava from the floor but quickly stumbled backwards when her wife roughly pulled away. Ashlee started to say "Ava what the hell is going on with you?" but the open rage in those usually warm eyes froze the words in her throat. There were so many images searing through her brain. Pictures of this man touching, kissing, making love to her wife and they were so vivid that Ava could barely focus on Ashlee's worried face. How could she? How could she throw everything they had away? Was she fantasizing of him when Ava made love to her? Everything inside of her made Ava want to demand answers and force Ashlee to detail her every stolen moment with this bastard. But even as her pride cried out her heart settled into a pitiful fitful hole. What if she was in love with him? What if she left? What if she took the children with her? All the pain that she'd fought so hard to endure after Max's death compounded. Ava could confront her and end up alone or she could accept the situation and pray that she kept her family. "Baby?"
"I'm sorry. I must have had a bad dream."
"Are you sure?" Ashlee asked as she pulled Ava into her arms. "You're white as a sheet."
It took all her strength not to pull away in disgust when Ashlee held her close. The other woman pulled back as she stroked Ava's face. "Sweetie?"
"I'm fine Ash. I just want to get back to bed." She could tell that Ashlee was still worried but only followed her quietly up to the bedroom. The thought of getting back into bed with Ashlee literally was threatening to make her ill. The one thing that she was proudest of about their relationship was that it had never been about sex. In fact she had almost lost Ashlee because she refused to just fall into bed with her at the beginning of their relationship. It could never be simply sex because Ashlee was so much better than that. Her body wasn't a commodity to be used as a bargaining chip or a playground for meaningless recreation. It had always been an embodiment of love but what was it now? What was it for her and the man on the phone? "I'm going to take a bath."
Ashlee looked at Ava puzzled but then shrugged her shoulders and said "Okay" as she started to undo her robe.
"No I just need a few minutes alone." Ava said a little too roughly before she forced on a smile and rubbed the hands that Ashlee placed on her shoulders. "I'm just feeling weird. I'm going to stand under the water for a few seconds. I'll be right back." The smile stayed on until the door was firmly closed behind her and again the darkness fell upon her. If only she hadn't forgotten to bring the wine up to seduce her wife. Then she would only have to wait a few minutes before Ashlee passed out asleep. As it was the blond would not be resting until she was sure Ava was alright but it would never be alright again as far as Ava was concerned. Ava stayed as long as she could until Ashlee began to softly knock on the door. "Babe are you okay?" No. No I won't ever be okay again Ava said to herself as she lay across from her wife silently weeping.
It amazed her how in tune Ashlee was with her. The blue eyes kept begging her to open up and to say what had gone so wrong on their perfect weekend. They spent the next few hours each working in their own office. Or at least she thought Ashlee worked but Ava only sat at the computer picturing her world crumbling bit by bit until the inevitable knock on her office door. "Ava. May I come in please?"
Choking back tears Ava tried her best to casually ask "What's up?"
"I don't know. Everything seemed fine until you left our bed last night"
Any other time her genetic heritage would have peeked through and she could have bsed her way through this but it was still too raw. With tears in her eyes Ava held her head down and tried to keep her voice level. "I'm fine. Just busy with home and office work."
"Don't lie to me. Something is bothering you. You can just tell me or we can drag it out but I'm going to find out."
This was so not the time. "Ash I'm busy. So if you could close the door behind you."
"You don't get to pull away and use work as a smoke screen. I want to know the truth and I want to know now!"
"You are the last person that should be demanding the truth." She was upset and it was making her sloppy Ava thought shaking her head. You're blowing it Peralta.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not doing this." Ava announced and moved to leave the room but was pulled short when Ashlee grabbed her arm tight.
"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?!" Ashlee demanded as Ava sharply jerked her arm away.
"It means I'm not doing This" Ava growled before Ashlee pulled her tighter with both arms this time.
"Talk to me please. Everything was great. Everything was perfect and then it wasn't. Tell me what happened. Please Ava. Please baby. What happened?"
She should have been able to hold it in but seeing those blue eyes fill tears always had a demoralizing effect on her. What could Ava tell her when she wasn't even sure what was wrong? She didn't know how she'd pushed Ashlee away and she didn't know how to even try to pull her back. Ava didn't even know if she had the strength. "I don't want to do this" Ava openly cried trying to avoid the terrifying confrontation. "Please just leave it alone."
"I can't. I can't leave it alone because it's hurting you. And if it's hurting you then it's hurting us. I can't let it hurt us."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
"Really?"
"Of course. You know that."
"Then why are you with him?" Ava whimpered.
"What?"
"Don't lie. Don't lie to me. I would have ignored it. I wanted to get past it and just file it under things to deal with. I would have done that for you and our family but now that you pulled it out of me why? How could you hurt us like that?"
"What are you talking about?"
Looking at her wife straight in the eye Ava declared. "I know"
"Know what? Ava just tell me exactly what you think you know. Okay?"
"Your boyfriend called last night wanting to know if you could talk. He called your cell phone so I'm sure he didn't expect me to pick up but you left it downstairs and I didn't want the ringing to wake you up." Ava sounded so defeated and hollow that Ashlee almost asked her to repeat the entire sentence.
"Ava I don't know what you're talking about but"
"Don't Fucking Lie To Me!" Ava yelled and started pacing up and down the hall. "You asked for the truth the least you can do is give me the fucking courtesy of being honest."
She wanted to yell and scream but Ashlee knew that was the last thing either of them needed especially if they were going to get out of this intact. "I'm not lying to you. I have never lied to you. Not once. Not about anything. I promise."
"How am I supposed to believe you? How am I supposed to believe another fucking word that comes out of your mouth?"
"I have never lied to you Ava. I am not having an affair with anyone…."
"So you I guess you don't know Mark Christian? I guess that doesn't ring any bells because his number is in your phone. And you've talked to him almost every day this week." Ashlee's fluttering eyes almost broke her but it was out in the open now and too late to suppress.
"He's my teaching assistant. We talked about lesson plans and how the day went. That's all."
"Yeah I'm sure. That's why he called after midnight asking if it was safe for you to talk. Yeah sure and I have a bridge to sell you."
"I swear to you that I am not sleeping with him or anyone else." Ashlee vowed as Ava turned her head to walk away. "Look at me. Look at me Ava. Look into my eyes and tell me that I'm lying to you. Tell me that I had sex with someone else hours before I came home to be with you and our children. Tell me that I let him touch me and then came home and let you follow that. Tell me that I would destroy everything we have like that. Tell me Ava. Tell me!"
The anguish in Ashlee's eyes matched the pain in Ava's heart "Ash then why would he call you like that? I'm not a fool. He wasn't calling to discuss what book to go over Monday" and then she saw the tell tale blush that darkened her wife's cheeks and turned away in defeat.
"No. I'm not sleeping with him. I promise"
"But?" Ava urged.
With her head held down Ashlee finally confessed. "But he has been pursing me."
"And you want him?"
"Of course not!" Ashlee exclaimed before she sighed deeply. "I should have told you and been more firm with him."
"Why? Am I not enough?"
"Of course you are. Baby of course you are" Ashlee cooed and methodically moved closer to stoke Ava's face.
"Then why?" Ava begged with a strained voice.
"I'm stupid." Ashlee's voice dropped several decimals. "I was flattered by his interest and I didn't see the point of telling you because I knew that nothing would ever happen."
"So what you flirt with him back? What do you say to him? Tell me what kind of innuendo you come up with over freshmen lit"
"Ava don't do this."
"Do what? Find out what my wife's not getting from me so that she has to get it from this son of a bitch?"
"Because it has nothing to do with you! Don't you get that?"
"Nothing to do with me?" Ava harshly barked. "I think if someone is chatting up my wife it damn well has something to do with Me!"
"Are you telling me that you tell me about every person that flirts with you? Every business meeting when someone suggests testing out one of those comfortable Beacon beds? Or how about when you go to the mall or the grocery store and someone tries to get your number or to give you theirs?"
"They are strangers Ash. I don't entertain their stupid fantasies."
"Exactly!"
"And I don't spend five days a week eight hours a day passing notes with them either!"
Leaning against the desk and holding her head in her hands Ashlee tried again to reason with her wife. "You're right. I should have told you but it felt good to be noticed and complimented."
"Which I don't do?"
"Baby could you please just listen to me? Could you just open your mind to me for a few seconds?" When Ava slightly inclined her head Ashlee continued. "You are an extremely beautiful woman and I am so proud to be your wife and partner. I was so surprised that you even noticed me much less fell in love with me as deeply as I fell in love with you." Ava tried her best to truly listen but it was hard not to interrupt and repeat her angry demand. "Before you I've never felt beautiful or desired. Coop tried but I always felt that he loved me in spite of my looks. But with you for the first time I actually believed it." Ashlee took Ava's head in both hands and looked straight in to her eyes. "When Mark noticed me it felt so good because I finally thought maybe I deserved you. Maybe you weren't slumming when you were with me. I shouldn't have encouraged him and I should have firmly told him it was unacceptable. But please know that I never ever even considered being with him or anyone else. I love you so much baby. So much. And I will do anything to make this right. To regain your trust." Ashlee vowed.
"I just don't want to lose our family." Ava cried as Ashlee moved her towards the desk and made passionate and desperate love to her. In the morning they sat leaned against the headboard with the cell phone between them. "You don't have to do this."
"Yes I do. I should have done this at the beginning but I don't ever want you to feel threatened or fearful of my love and commitment to you." Ashlee promised as she briefly kissed her wife as the phone rang and heard the baritone hello. It was a difficult conversation because Ashlee realized that not only had her childishness hurt her wife but she had also used a young man that was always warm and kind to her. It was going to take a lot of work but she was going to erase the pain in Ava's brown eyes if it was the last thing she did.