Chapter 18
I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
The bathroom was completely silent as Sarah and Beverly stared at her, sympathetic and sad expressions on their faces. For the first time since it happened, she'd actually told the story of what had happened that night. When she lost the baby, she'd been unable to speak about it for months, and she never could bring herself to really say what had happened.
The pain and guilt had pulled her into a dark abyss that she was still swimming her way out of. Everyone told her that what she was doing would only make things worse and that she needed to talk to someone, but she hadn't listened. She hadn't been able to listen, and it cost her everything.
"I didn't leave the bed for two days after it happened," she recounted quietly.
"I'm so sorry," Beverly whispered. "No one ever knew."
Elena nodded. "Giuseppe made sure that nobody would find out. Not that we wanted anyone to know."
"He told everyone you had food poisoning."
"I'm surprised he mentioned me at all." Giuseppe had made a habit of trying to keep her as unattached to Damon as possible once she lost the baby. In his eyes, she'd ruined his son. Damon had been meant for big things and she had been keeping him from that. In Giuseppe's eyes, she was the worst thing that had ever happened to his son.
Some days she agreed with him.
Damon had needed her after the miscarriage and she'd been too lost in her own grief to see it. Once she did, she simply hadn't had the strength to help him. A part of her hadn't wanted to.
For twenty-two years old, she'd been through a lot of pain and heartache. When she lost the baby, it had changed something inside of her. The strong girl she'd believed herself to be was a ghost, and all she'd wanted to do was give up, even if that meant taking him down with her.
The alarm went off at six a.m., the same time it went off every morning. Just like every morning for the past month, Elena was already wide-awake, staring blankly at the ceiling above her. Same as every morning, Damon grunted and slammed his hand down on the offensive black box, effectively silencing the room once again. He rolled onto his back, just like always, and mimicked her act of staring at everything and nothing all at the same time.
This was their morning routine now. No longer did his hands begin a slow crawl down her abdomen, nor did she pull him to her side of the bed. They remained safely apart and laid in silence for sometimes a full thirty minutes before Damon would roll out of bed and tiredly pad into the shower. This was their life.
One month ago, her life fell apart in the blink of an eye. She'd smiled at Damon and excused herself to go to the bathroom, because despite what she'd said, she had started to grow worried about the cramping, and it felt like she was bleeding. At first, the cramps had been sporadic and light. As the night went on though, the pain grew and by the time they were at the party, they were nearing the point of unbearable. She'd tried to hide it from him, telling herself that it was normal, even though a part of her realized that something was very wrong. The books had all said the same thing though – if she was truly miscarrying, nothing could be done, and she hadn't been ready to admit the truth until she felt the warm liquid on her legs.
When she went to the bathroom, what she'd found would haunt her every moment since. She stood in the stall and looked down, and all she could see was blood. Her whole life she had hated blood and seeing so much red had sent her to the verge of unconsciousness. She didn't know how long she'd stood frozen in the bathroom as the blood began to run down her legs, but then Caroline came in and she panicked. Caroline had gasped when Elena came out of the stall, her dress pulled up to her knees. She'd questioned what was happening, and suddenly Elena was crying and talking about blood and how it hurt more with each moment. Then, as the blood pooled beneath her and another wave of pain hit her, everything went hazy. Caroline's voice turned to silence and her eyes widened as she watched Elena falter on her feet. The last thing she remembered was Caroline lunging for her, arms outstretched to try and catch her, and then there was blackness.
She didn't know how long she was out, but when she woke up, Damon was hovering above her, a petrified expression on his face. Everything came rushing back to her as the pain enveloped her body, and some doctor began telling them to go to the hospital. She hadn't wanted to go. She knew that it would bring nothing good to her, but Damon had insisted and she hadn't had the strength to fight him. As he lifted her into his arms and carried her to the limo, the reality truly began to set in. She knew that it wasn't going to end well. The baby they had been so upset about at first would be gone, and there'd be nothing that she could do to stop it.
It was this that tortured her each and every day. The loss in and of itself was horrific and she still felt like there was a hole inside of her that couldn't be filled, but it was the knowledge that she hadn't wanted this child that ripped her apart inside. She'd spent weeks thinking that her life had practically been ruined. Every time she felt that familiar wave of morning sickness and fled to the bathroom, she wondered why it was happening to her. It was only when they had that scare in his office that she'd turned a corner and started to trust in Damon and her ability to figure everything out. And before she could truly appreciate any of it, it was all over.
Damon tried to talk to her and be there for her, but his own pain kept a distance between them that seemed impossible to cross. Caroline called her every single day, and even saw her most days as well, but her unflinching strength and positivity had done nothing to pull her from this darkness. Bonnie, who had been away on a business trip the night of the miscarriage, was nearly a shadow these days, coming over every morning before she left for work to see how Elena was doing. She suspected that her friend was really just coming to check that she was still alive. Her best friends had a tag team effort going on, surrounding her at nearly all times that Damon wasn't around, treating her like she was a psych patient on suicide watch. Some days, she knew it was true.
This wasn't her first loss she'd gone through in her life. No, she'd lost her parents years ago. She thought it was that loss that made this one so much harder to handle. It was easy to overcome one great loss in your lifetime, but to overcome two in just a few short years seemed like a battle she didn't know how to win. Truthfully, most days she wasn't even fighting. She spent her time doing a whole bunch of nothing. She wandered around in her pajamas, moved from sleeping in bed to sleeping on the couch and then back to the bed. The only thing she accomplished most days was going to work. It was the only thing she found she could truly still do. Serving alcohol to hundreds of people every night provided her with a hearty distraction from her life.
Beside her, Damon's morning limit of hoping Elena would speak finally ran out and she shifted her eyes to watch him roll out of bed. His boxers rode low on his hips and his head hung low, staring at the ground for a few moments, as if willing his feet to move forward. When he finally took that first step, he looked over to their dresser, his eyes finding the small ultrasound picture that was still taped to the mirror. Every morning he looked at it and every morning he looked back at her, glancing down at her abdomen like he might find a protruding bump beneath the comforter. Every morning when the covers remained as flat as the night before, his eyes darkened and he turned away before making his way to the bathroom and closing the door with a hollow slam.
Today was no different. His eyes darkened as always and he then turned his back to her. The muscles rippled when he straightened his back and began the slow march to the bathroom. She could count it down perfectly – in exactly twelve steps and nine seconds, the door would close and she'd be left alone in bed for thirty minutes. She never got out of bed and made breakfast or joined him in the bathroom. She didn't even roll to her side or stomach, just remained immobile on her back, her hands resting just below her bust. The shower would run for exactly thirteen minutes before shutting off. The sink would run for one minute as he brushed his teeth. Then, everything would go silent, save for the occasional footsteps that could be heard on the tile. Sixteen minutes later he would emerge, dressed for the day and return to his side of the bed.
At 6:53, he emerged from the bathroom in a black suit and black tie. He didn't look at her as he made his way to his nightstand. He reached down and retrieved his watch from next to his phone and easily slid it onto his wrist and clasped it into place. Next, he picked up his wallet and slipped it in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. Finally, he unplugged his phone from charging and held it firmly in his hands. Now, he was supposed to bid her a brisk goodbye for the day, but today, he looked across the bed at her, meeting her watchful eyes.
"We have dinner at my father's at 7:15. I'll be home at 6:45 to pick you up." She mutely nodded her head. With a sigh, he glanced down at his watch. "I'll see you later."
He watched her for a moment, almost waiting for her to say something, but she said nothing. She had seen Giuseppe once, for all of five minutes, since she had the miscarriage, and while he wasn't rude, he hadn't exactly been sympathetic. He and Damon fought that night, about what she didn't know, but when they returned home, he locked himself in his office for three hours. When he'd emerged from the office at just after one in the morning, she had already been in bed, staring aimlessly at the ceiling and hoping sleep would somehow come to her. He didn't bother with his normal routine, simply stripped off his suit and climbed into bed, only to immediately lie on his side with his back to her. She watched him for fifteen minutes with his breathing never evening out before she quietly whispered into the night, "I'm sorry your dad is mad at you."
"He's not mad, Elena," he'd whispered in return, "He's relieved."
"I'm still sorry." He didn't say anything to her again that night.
Tonight would now mark the first time she'd seen Giuseppe since that night and also the first time being around more than two people at once since the miscarriage. It was just going to be Giuseppe, Stefan, and Caroline, but conversation would be required, and she didn't have much to offer.
After staring at her for a few minutes, Damon said, "Tell Bonnie I said hi," and then turned to leave.
For the first time in she didn't know how many days, she called out to him, "Damon." He twisted around to face her, surprise on his face that she'd spoken. She did her best to offer him a smile, though it appeared tight and sad. "Happy Birthday." He nodded and then left the bedroom.
The front door opened and closed a few moments later and she was alone in the penthouse. According to the clock, she would have roughly fifteen minutes until Bonnie showed up. That should give her enough time to brush her teeth, pull her hair into a messy ponytail, and relocate to the couch to turn on the Today Show. The shower could come later.
She knew that she was beginning to wear thin on everyone. She was wearing thin on herself. It just felt like she was drowning though and she couldn't pull herself out of the water. So, when Bonnie showed up just a few minutes later, she found Elena still in bed, huddled under the thick covers. She removed her shoes and climbed onto the bed to sit next to Elena. Wordlessly, a bagel with cream cheese materialized in front of Elena's face from Bonnie's purse.
"Thanks," she mumbled and grabbed the offered food.
"Figured you could use a few carbs." She shrugged her shoulders. "How are things today?"
"Perfect," she deadpanned. "I'm thinking of doing some shopping and maybe going to the spa."
"How are you really doing?"
"I'm doing sucky, Bonnie!" she snapped. "How do you think I'm doing?"
"And she's alive," Bonnie said sarcastically. "Nice to get some kind of response from you."
"Bonnie, can't you just go to work and leave me be for a day? Promise not to drown myself in the bathtub."
Bonnie blanched at the cavalier tone in Elena's voice. "Don't joke about that."
"Who says I'm joking?"
"I'm serious, Elena. Don't say things like that."
"Relax Bonnie," Elena groaned, "I'm not suicidal, just tired."
"I'm still worried about you."
Everyone was worried about her. Even her brother was calling her multiple times a week. Her brother, who could probably forget to talk to her for months if she didn't regularly call him. Everyone was hovering and watching practically every move she made. She didn't even get to work alone. Mark was there every single night. She just wanted some peace and quiet.
"It would be nice if everyone could worry from a distance."
Bonnie's brows furrowed together with worry as she stared down at Elena. "I think you need to talk to someone."
"Isn't that what we're doing right now?"
"A professional," she clarified. "I think you need to speak to someone who can help you in ways that none of us can. Obviously, what we're doing isn't working, and you need help, Elena. If you won't talk to any of us, at least find a therapist or something."
Elena bristled at the idea of therapy. She'd been forced to go after her parents died and it had been horrible. She hated sitting in a room for an hour and being expected to share her feelings. She didn't want to talk through things. She didn't want her thoughts analyzed. She just wanted everything to be better, or at least go away. She'd settle for anything right now.
"You know how much I hated that when my parents died," she snapped at Bonnie. "I can't believe you're even suggesting it." She threw the covers off of her and quickly got out of bed. "Shouldn't you be working or something? I don't need a babysitter."
"Well you need something!" Bonnie shouted back at her as she stalked to the bathroom. Her friend was hot on her heels though, unwilling to back down this easily. "You don't want to talk to me. You don't want to talk to Caroline. You can't even tell me that you're doing any talking with Damon. And don't you dare try to tell me that you're talking to Jenna. She said she hasn't heard from you in a week, and the last time you talked, you hung up on her."
Elena halted just before she got to the bathroom and swung around to glare at Bonnie. "You're calling my aunt?"
"You're the most stubborn person I know, Elena. I had to cover my bases. She agrees with me by the way. So does Caroline. You need help." She shook her head, hurt and frustrated that Bonnie had so clearly gone behind her back. Unable to speak, she spun on her heels and stormed into the bathroom. With as much force as she could muster, she slammed the door shut and locked it, effectively putting a wall between her and Bonnie. "Elena!" Bonnie pounded her hand on the door. "Open the door!"
"Go away, Bonnie." She slid to the floor, her back to the door.
Everything was falling apart and now her best friend was rallying the troops to try and force her into therapy she didn't want. They didn't get what was going on in her mind and there was no way she'd be able to make them understand.
"What kind of friend would I be if I did that?"
"I find it a little hard to believe that you're my friend right now. Friends don't go behind each other's backs."
"They do when they want to save their best friend." She could hear Bonnie sigh from the other side of the door. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I am your friend, and I'm doing exactly what you'd do if you were in my situation."
"Leave me alone."
"One day you're going to say that one time too many, and you really will be alone."
Good.
That was what she wanted to say to Bonnie. She didn't want to talk to anyone. The sooner everyone understood that, the better off everyone would be.
She settled for, "We'll see about that."
"Call me when you decide you want to wake up, Elena."
Relieved that she had her wish granted, Elena crawled over to the sunken bathtub and turned on the water. She watched as it slowly filled the white tub, steam billowing from the water. When she felt that it was nearly full, she stripped off her clothes and climbed in. It burned her skin, instantly giving it a red tint. Tiredly, she relaxed back in the tub and closed her eyes.
Whether she fell asleep or simply got lost in another world, she didn't know, but she was suddenly opening her eyes and realizing that the water was now cold. Her skin was wrinkled and the light coming in through the window indicated that the sun was much higher in the sky than it had been when she got in.
Sighing, she lifted the drain and retrieved a towel to wrap herself in as she stood up. Tired and cold, she didn't bother with combing her hair out or even brushing her teeth. She simply went back to the bedroom and crawled underneath the covers, paying no attention to the fact that she would be soaking the mattress and sheets in the process.
Sleep quickly blanketed over her mind, giving her the reprieve she so often wished for.
"Elena." She heard a voice calling for her from the distance. "Elena," she heard again, this time as her body rocked back and forth. "Elena!" The voice was more forceful this time and she pried her eyes open to a dark room, Damon's face hovering above hers. "It's almost 6:30," he told her.
"What?" she questioned groggily as she sat up and wiped at her eyes.
"It's after six o'clock at night, Elena. We have to leave for my dad's in ten minutes."
"Oh," she murmured, glancing over at the clock. "I guess I fell asleep."
"You can stay in. You don't have to come."
"No," she quickly shook her head. "I can just put my hair up in a bun and do my makeup in the car. I'll only be a few minutes."
"Okay, I'll be in the living room. We can leave when you're ready."
Once he was out of the room, she got out of the bed and quickly got ready. Thanks to the benefit of not much caring how she looked, it only took her fifteen minutes to put on a dress and just enough makeup to pass for acceptable. It wasn't like they were going to a party; it was just a dinner.
Satisfied, she went to find Damon in the living room. "I'm ready." He nodded and stood up, thus beginning their silent trip to his father's. He helped her put on her coat and held the door open for her, but he didn't speak, a fact she was okay with. She would need these next few minutes to prepare herself for dinner with his father. Tonight was Damon's birthday, and no matter how much she wanted to still be in bed, she knew she needed to suck it up for a few hours.
Elena tried to ignore the feeling of dread swirling in her stomach though as she and Damon rode in the elevator up to his father's penthouse. She wasn't in the mood to sit around a table and try to feign interest in conversation for however long the dinner would last. It was Damon's birthday and she should care, but it was just so hard. All she wanted to do was be at work or still curled up asleep in bed; not sitting across from a man that was happy her child was dead.
"I don't think this should take too long," Damon told her quietly, as if sensing that this was not how she wanted to spend her evening. "For some reason, this is the only tradition he actually keeps from when my mother was alive."
She was momentarily surprised by Damon's quiet revelation. There had been little that they'd shared with each other throughout the past month, especially anything in regards to parents or children. The confession and distant look in his eyes gave her some desire to try and not completely ruin his birthday for him. It wasn't his fault she'd killed their child. "I'll be fine, Damon. I want to celebrate your birthday."
His head whipped around in her direction, his eyes wide. The reaction didn't surprise her. This was probably the first positive comment anyone had heard come out of her mouth in a month. Slowly, he regained control again though, and she knew that he knew this didn't signal any change in her. So, he simply nodded and said, "Thank you."
The elevator came to a stop at Giuseppe's floor and the doors slowly opened to reveal the grand entryway. Unlike usual, he did not immediately come to greet them, something she was thankful for. This would give her a moment to say something to Damon. It was his birthday and she really did want to try. She understood that he was in pain too, even if he never discussed it, and she just wanted a minute to at least try and make him feel a little bit better about the evening.
He walked briskly ahead of her and she quickly followed after him, trying to catch him. "Damon," she called out. He stopped and turned to face her, an inquisitive look on his face as she moved directly in front of him. Her hands fidgeted in front of her and she stared wordlessly up at him, trying to find the words she wanted to say to him. When the communication had become so stilted, it was now hard to find the right things to say when she did want to speak. Nervously, she swallowed as he remained silent, waiting for what it was she wanted to tell him. "I'm sorry for how things have been, but I do want tonight to be good. I want you to be happy."
His face relaxed at her words and she could practically see a small wave of relief wash over him. The look in his eyes softened and he took a step toward her. One of his hands came up to brush gently against her cheek. "Elena," he sighed, so many emotions filtering across his face.
As he opened his mouth to continue, the lights that she hadn't even realized had been off, flashed on and she found her and Damon completely bombarded by simultaneous shouts of, "Surprise!"
She flinched and jumped back as Damon turned to the living room, his face now frozen as he took in the room full of people that should not be in his father's home. Her heart raced in her chest as she looked around. This was supposed to be a quiet dinner with Stefan, Caroline, and Giuseppe, not a massive party with a hundred of his closest friends. It was going to be hard enough to make it through the dinner and now Giuseppe had just thrown her to the wolves.
Ever the businessman, Damon quickly recovered and plastered a happily surprised smile on his face. "And here I was thinking that no one cared about my birthday," he joked, but then turned to glance at Elena, his eyes wide and apologetic. He shook his head, clearly at a loss for words at the moment.
Giuseppe then descended on them, a smile on his face. "Happy Birthday, son," he greeted and then hugged Damon. After embracing his stiff son, he glanced over at Elena. "You're looking well, Elena."
Unsure of how to respond she merely nodded her head, but Damon seemed to know how to respond perfectly well. "What is this?" he bit out. "For my entire life we've had family dinners ending with a caramel cake, every year."
"I thought you and Elena could use a little cheer," he easily explained.
"By forcing us into a party under the guise of celebrating my birthday?"
"Damon," Giuseppe spoke warningly, "A lot of very important people are here. I'm sorry that you are unhappy with me wanting to give you a pleasant evening, but wipe that look off your face and go greet your guests."
With a small groan, Damon reached out and captured Elena's arm and moved into the theoretical lion's den, but not before hissing to his father, "They're not my anything. You did this for yourself."
For fifteen torturous minutes, Damon kept her hand firmly in his as he went about trying to say hello to everyone that had shown up for the party. He said all the right things and made all the right moves, leaving no one to suspect that he was unhappy about anything. The way he was gripping her hand was telling her otherwise. She was the one receiving the curious stares. It was probable that nearly every person in this room was at that gala a month ago. And it was just as probable that they still had no idea what had happened that night. The wives tried to engage her in conversation, as if she'd just spill what exactly had gone on in that bathroom, but when she remained mostly silent, they would give up and focus all of their attention on the glass of champagne in their hands.
Finally, when she was beginning to think she could take no more, Caroline snatched her arm and dragged her into the kitchen, where no guest would dare enter, and the staff would be far too busy to pay any attention to what they were saying. "I am so sorry!" she profusely apologized. "Stefan and I had no idea. Giuseppe acted like this was a normal dinner. We would have told you had we known."
Elena hadn't once thought that Caroline or Stefan was in on the surprise party plan. She knew enough about Damon and Stefan's relationship to know that Stefan never would have allowed his brother to walk into this without ample warning. It was a fact Giuseppe probably knew as well and planned accordingly. The man owned a Forbes 500 company; he knew how to plan things to benefit him.
"It's not your fault." Elena shrugged her shoulders indifferently. "Giuseppe wanted a party, and I guess he was going to make sure he got one."
"Do you want to go?" Her friend questioned sympathetically. "If anyone knew what had happened, they wouldn't expect you to be here."
Elena smiled, one filled with pain and anger and sorrow and a million other feelings rushing through her body right now. "But they don't know, and they do expect me to be here." Caroline's face fell at her words, and a part of her instantly felt bad. She'd been bending over backwards this past month trying to make things better, because that was just what Caroline did; she fixed things. This wasn't a fight with Bonnie though. Nobody could fix this for her, and she wished they'd stop breaking their necks trying.
"Really, we can just leave. It will be fine."
"I'm fine, Caroline," she assured her. "I should probably get back out there." She turned to leave, but Caroline reached out and caught her arm. She opened her mouth to protest again, but Elena spun around and pulled her arm from Caroline's grasp. "Leave it alone. Go talk about shoes or something."
Her words had the desired affect and Caroline stumbled back, caught off guard by the words and how forcefully Elena had ripped her arm free. This time, she said nothing when Elena tried to leave the kitchen.
She easily spotted Damon as she reentered the grand living room. Though she did not want to be a part of this, she knew she needed to be by his side, and she also knew that she couldn't survive this night alone. She was making her way toward him when Giuseppe stepped in front of her, halting her in her tracks. "Elena," he smiled widely, "I have someone I'd like for you to meet." Damon's eye caught hers as Giuseppe dragged her across the living room, but she could merely shrug, knowing she couldn't exactly break free and run to his side. "Elena, I'd like you to meet Samantha. I think you two will have a lot in common."
Giuseppe quickly disappeared, leaving her alone with this woman that she'd never met in her life. "Um, hi," she squeaked out, unsure of what to say.
Even in heels, Samantha was a short woman that remained a few inches shorter than Elena, but she was a woman of super model beauty nonetheless. Her honey blonde hair cascaded down her back, and she had blue eyes that sparkled brightly, even in the dim lighting. Her smile was warm as she looked up at Elena and asked, "You're dating Damon, right?"
Elena shifted her weight nervously to her other foot. "Yeah."
"That explains it," Samantha laughed and pointed over to Damon being led down a hallway by Giuseppe and a few other men. "He's trying to distract you."
And so the real reason for the party was revealed. This wasn't really an evening about celebrating Damon's birthday. It was all about work.
"He doesn't like me," Elena admitted quietly, even though she knew she probably shouldn't.
"Giuseppe doesn't really like anyone, especially when that person happens to be a girl that's dating Damon." Samantha gave an encouraging squeeze to Elena's arm. "Don't worry, you'll be fine. Anyway, I'll leave you be. I'm sure you have more entertaining things to do than be forced into a conversation with me because Giuseppe needed your back turned long enough to sneak Damon out of the room."
Samantha waved politely and then excused herself, leaving Elena alone in the middle of the room. Caroline was off to the side, engaged in a conversation with several other women, laughing merrily about whatever it was they were discussing. After how she'd behaved in the kitchen, she couldn't join them. Not that she wanted to. With Damon otherwise occupied, she really had no one to talk to that she actually knew. That was how she found herself in Damon's old room. She simply couldn't muster the strength up anymore to smile and fake it. She needed a five-minute timeout. She picked up a baseball that was displayed on his desk, signed by some player whose name she couldn't even fully make out.
"Damon broke my finger when I was six because he caught me playing catch with that ball." Elena jumped at the sound of Stefan's voice and whirled around. From her fright, she lost her grip on the baseball and it fell from her hands and rolled across the room, stopping just in front of Stefan's feet. With a small smile he bent down and picked it up off the floor. He stared at it for a moment, spinning it aimlessly in his hands. "Don't worry though," he finally told her, "I think he's forgotten he even has this." He turned and glanced down the hallway before walking further into the room. "I'm sorry about this evening. My father didn't tell me."
"I know. I've already talked with Caroline."
Stefan sighed and shook his head. "So I've heard."
"You're probably mad at me."
"It's not my place to be mad. Your friendship with Caroline has nothing to do with me."
"But?" she prodded, knowing he hadn't just stumbled upon her in Damon's room by accident.
He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "But your relationship with my brother does. We're dysfunctional that way." Knowing where this was going, Elena sat down at the edge of Damon's bed and looked up at Stefan, preparing her mind for the conversation that would come next. "He just wants you to be okay."
Looking down, she nodded. "I know."
"How are you doing?" Her head shot up at the question. She hadn't expected him to ask about her. She was expecting him to tell her that she needed to let Damon in or understand that he was in pain too. "I mean I know things aren't really good," he quickly explained, "But I want to know how you are. Damon is my brother. I can look at him and know exactly how he is, but I don't know how you are beyond what Caroline or Damon share with me."
"How does someone answer that question?" she wondered aloud. "How can I be okay if I don't understand something? Because this whole thing? I don't understand any of it. One minute I'm dancing with Damon, so happy because I could look at him and know he was mine. Then the next, I'm looking down; all I can see is blood and all I can feel is pain, and nobody can give me a reason for any of it. All anyone tells me is that these things happen in the first trimester, and most of the time there's no way to know the reason why. Do you know how frustrating that is? How much it eats you up inside to know nothing?" She laughed bitterly. "That's how I'm doing Stefan. I'm confused and I'm pissed off, but most of all, I'm tired." The tears welled in her eyes and her voice cracked. "I'm exhausted and I know your brother is too, but I don't have the energy to deal with him right now. I can't even deal with myself."
She reeled back after her impromptu speech, shocking herself and Stefan. That had been the most she'd spoken in a month and she hadn't meant to share any of it at all. They both remained frozen for several tension filled moments, unsure where to go from that point. She'd known Stefan for a few years now and had talked with him several times, but never to this magnitude. Other than the conversation when she moved in with Damon where he informed her that Damon was in love with her, they never discussed personal things.
Stefan cautiously crossed the room to come sit next to her on the bed. He took a moment to get settled before he spoke. "I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. The only loss I've suffered in my life was losing my mom, but I was eight and it took me a long time to truly understand the magnitude of it all. However, I know that you're in pain and angry, but shutting everyone out won't make it better."
"I'm not trying to shut everyone out," she told him quietly. "I just don't know how to talk to anyone right now."
"You're talking to me," he said easily.
"Trust me, this isn't a conscious decision. If I had the ability to say it at any other time, I would have said it to Caroline or Bonnie ages ago." She quickly looked at him. "No offense."
"None taken."
"I know I'm not being fair to Damon," she insisted tearfully, "And I know he doesn't deserve it, but I just can't do it. Nothing makes sense anymore and I'm tired of trying to make it. It's easier to block it all out.
"That's not going to get you anywhere."
"No," she easily agreed, "But it will get me through the day."
Stefan sighed and she watched as he momentarily weighed his words before saying, "I won't tell you how to cope with this, but talk to someone. Whether it's Damon or Caroline, it doesn't matter, but nobody can do this alone."
He got up and left the room then, leaving her alone with her thoughts for a full thirty minutes before she joined the party again. Stefan and Caroline had already left and the party was beginning to wind down. Damon appeared in the living room then, finished with whatever meeting he'd been a part of and motioned to her that they would be leaving soon.
Elena easily retrieved her jacket and Damon's and moved into the entryway to get ready to leave. She was putting on her jacket as she watched Damon say goodbye to the last few guests that were left at his party. It was past midnight and she could see that he was more than ready to go home, and she was most certainly ready. The night had been completely emotionally draining and she was ready to lie in bed and not move for a week. She also didn't want to deal with another human for equally as long.
"My son knows how to work a room." Elena tensed when Giuseppe appeared behind her and began to help her into her coat. "A trait he got from his mother." He moved to stand beside her now frozen form after she had her coat on. "I'm sure my son has not painted me in the best of lights, but he's my child and I do love him."
"I've never believed you didn't, Giuseppe," she whispered.
"Then you'll believe that I only have his best interests in mind when I say this." Elena looked at him and swallowed deeply. The action made it no easier for her to speak and she found she could only nod as she stared up at him. "Damon's greatest strength is how much he cares, but it's also his biggest weakness. It's one of the reasons he wound up in the mess he did with Katherine. It's also how he's ended up in this rather unfortunate situation." Elena flinched at Giuseppe's words. "I'm truly sorry for the loss you experienced and for the pain you're in right now, don't get me wrong on that."
"How can I get this right then, Giuseppe?"
"Fact of the matter is, you're a distraction," Giuseppe spoke candidly. "Damon can hardly focus at work right now, which is something he cannot afford to do. His entire life he's been primed to take over my position. That time is coming soon, and you see that man right there?" He pointed to Damon, who was now engaged in a deep conversation with a small group of men. They were captivated by his presence, taking in every word. "That's the man I need at work every day, not the man that can barely keep his head up because he's too tired." Giuseppe fully turned to her now, blocking her from any chance to see Damon. "You changed him. Fix it."
Nervous and taken aback she shook her head. As someone who prided herself on her ability to hold her own in any social situation, Giuseppe was in a different league – one she'd never even known existed. He wasn't fond of her, a fact he was making clearer each and every time she saw him. And what he was making abundantly clear tonight was that whatever affect she'd had on Damon was something he didn't like, and it was up to her to change it.
She didn't know that he had been having difficulties at work. With the few words they spoke to each other now, work was never involved. She had simply assumed that his job hadn't been affected in the slightest. His job was practically his life. Apparently she was wrong on her assumptions though.
"I haven't done anything. I don't know what you mean."
"I'm saying, losses happen and putting my son through pain because you can't let it go is doing no one any favors. What's done is done, Elena. You'd do well to accept that."
"I need some air," she choked out. "Tell Damon I'll meet him outside." Without another word, she turned and ran toward the elevator. Thanks to the late hour, it came quickly, and she was awarded her freedom from the hell this night had been. She'd already known she had completely shut down in her life. She hadn't needed Stefan and Giuseppe to remind her of this and urge her in the direction they believed she needed to go.
Nobody understood it; they couldn't comprehend the complexity that went into losing a child. For so many weeks she'd resented her pregnancy. It had been such an inconvenience to her that she'd barely wanted to talk about it. Then, she'd almost lost it and she unlocked this other part of her that didn't think having a baby would be the worst thing in the world. She'd let herself sit back and believe in what Damon was saying to her. She'd let herself turn the pregnancy into a reality, and then the reality was that the pregnancy was no longer.
There was a guilt that went along with that that nobody would ever get.
"Hey," Elena was barely outside of the lobby when Damon came rushing through the doors, pulling his coat tightly around him, "I looked up and you were running into the elevator. What happened?"
She took a small breath and turned to fully face him. "I just needed a little air. Tonight was unexpected."
Damon's face fell and he stepped toward her. "I am so sorry. I had no idea what he was planning. He's never done this for a birthday in my entire life."
"It's okay." She tried to smile. "I just want to go home now."
"I second that motion." He stepped to the edge of the sidewalk and held his arm out for a cab. One quickly pulled to the side of the street and he opened the door for her to get in. When they were comfortably inside, he said, "I'm sorry I practically abandoned you. Once Caroline dragged you away, I couldn't seem to catch a moment to talk to you."
"People wanted to see you. You haven't been out in a while."
He sighed and looked out the window. "Haven't really wanted to."
Elena took note of the pale skin of his face and the dark circles that had formed beneath his eyes. She hadn't taken the time to truly look at him in a long time, and looking at him across this dim taxi, she could see the exhaustion clearly etched on his skin. "How has work been?"
Not expecting the question, he turned to her, his eyebrows raised. "Why?"
"Just wondering."
"We never talk about work." He eyed her suspiciously and suddenly, a look of clarity dawned over his face. "What did my father say to you?"
"Why do you think he said anything?" she asked, probably far too quickly.
"I saw him talking to you. What did he say to you?"
"He just said you'd been a little different at work, that's all."
His jaw tightened and he rolled his eyes. "You've got to be fucking kidding me," he blew out before dissolving into sarcastic laughs. "I can't believe him. This whole night was about him." He slammed his hand against the inside of the door. "The whole goddamn thing was so he could try to get me back to how he wanted me to be. Son of a bitch."
"He's just worried." She had no idea why she was bothering to try and defend Giuseppe when he so clearly didn't like her. She believed that he was worried for Damon, but it was just a worry that was overshadowed by his knack for self-preservation.
"Cut the bullshit, Elena. We both know he's not worried about me and that he said a lot more than what you're telling me."
"He wants you back to normal."
"Normal?" he balked. "When have I ever been normal? For as long as I can remember, I've never had a choice about what I wanted to do with my life. This was it for me, Elena! Go to college, experience some freedom, come home, work for him, and then run the company. Nothing about me has ever been normal."
"Is it my fault?" she whispered. "Am I the reason things haven't been right at work?"
Damon scoffed and looked out the window as they turned onto his street. "I'm not going to do this. Not tonight. Not about this."
"I'm talking," she pointed out forcefully. "Isn't this what you've been waiting for?"
"Talking? Yes. Getting on my case because my dad manipulated you? No."
"I'm not," her words died out, uncertain of what she should say or do right now. "I don't know what you want me to say, Damon."
"I want you to say something. Hell, I'd settle for you wanting to talk about the weather at this point. I'll talk about anything you want, as long as they aren't words coming from my father's mouth."
"They aren't," she insisted. "They just made me think about things. Am I the reason that things are off at work? Is it because –?" Words once again failed her, leaving her silent across from him. She still couldn't voice the words out loud.
The taxi came to a stop in front of the building and the taxi driver looked as if he wanted to be driving around any other person in New York City, except for them. He quickly retrieved the money from Damon and watched with baited breath as Damon gripped the door handle.
Damon turned to her, a tired and worn expression in his eyes. "What else would it be, Elena? What else would it be?" He climbed out of the cab without a backward glance, leaving her paralyzed and open-mouthed as she stared after him.
"Excuse me, miss?" Elena turned to look at the driver, having completely forgotten where she was for a moment. "You have to get out now."
"Right," she squeaked out, "Sorry."
Damon was already stepping into the elevator when Elena caught up with him in the lobby. He said nothing as she entered behind him and they turned to stand awkwardly next to each other. She looked over at him and tried to think of something to say. Talking to him used to be so easy. She still remembered the first conversation they'd by that pool at Caroline and Stefan's engagement party like it was yesterday. She'd shared things with him that night she hadn't shared with anyone else. It had all been so easy. Now when she needed the words to come, there was nothing there.
"Please stop staring at me," he quietly pleaded.
"Why?"
"Because you're staring at me like I just blindsided you." He shook his head. "You can't really be surprised by my answer down there."
The elevator opened on their floor and he walked toward the penthouse. She followed after him, still searching for the words that she needed. "I suppose," she sighed dejectedly as he unlocked the door, "I just didn't think about it." She felt slightly ashamed to admit she hadn't considered his thoughts or feelings much in the past month.
Damon threw the door open, letting it bounce roughly against the wall and come swinging back toward her. She held her hands up in front of her to prevent the door from slamming into her face. He was so angry he didn't even notice. "That's fairly obvious, Elena," he shouted as he threw his keys onto the entryway table with so much force, they slid off the table and fell to the floor. He jerked his tie free from around his neck and ripped it over his head. "How did you really think I'd be doing at work?"
"I guess I just didn't realize." She sucked in a deep breath.
He whipped around, an infuriated look on his face. "Didn't realize what? That I'd care? That I'd be upset too? That that night might haunt me as much as it does you?" He removed his jacket and tossed it over the back of the couch. "Tell me! What didn't you realize?"
"Any of it," she whispered. She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling like a failure in front of him. "I'm sorry."
"God Elena," he sighed, all anger gone from his voice, and she could hear him slowly walking toward her. His cool hands encompassed her face. The touch broke the last barrier she'd managed to hold up through the day. Traitorous tears escaped from her eyes, and she could not bring herself to pry them open to look at him. "I don't need you to be sorry. I just need you to be here."
She shook in front him from the small cries pouring from her mouth. "I don't know how."
"Just be here with me." His forehead dropped to hers. "I need you."
The desperation in his voice clung to her like a heavy weight, pulling her further beneath the water. All he needed was to know that she was there, but she didn't know how to offer that to him, not right now.
"I can't," she choked out. "I can't."