Author's Note: Wow! Is this an update? Two days later? Holy crap! I have to say, this chapter kind of just poured out of me. I've been waiting a long time to write this, and everything with Elena kind of just came naturally. It's been a bit since she's had a chapter with her own POV, but she definitely delivers in this. For those of you that want a glimpse of her in the present and in her time away, this is it. I really don't have much to say about this, other than I'm tired, cause I've been writing this almost nonstop. I hope it's good and doesn't feel weird. I kind of just bled it all out into this. As always, I'm so touched by the reviews I receive from this story, and just the fact that I've gotten to know several of you because of writing this. You guys are truly amazing and I could not put a story together like this if not for you all. So, I hope you all enjoy this. There might be a few mistakes because I just wrote and wrote and wrote. I tried to go back and catch the errors I could, but I'm sure I'll find a few when I read through it again tomorrow. So, just ignore those for a bit and enjoy! Thank you!
Chapter 22
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything about you
"Oh my god!" Sarah exclaimed, looking down at her phone in her hand. "We have to get to our gate!"
Beverly looked down at Sarah's phone and her eyes widened in horror. "Oh crap!" She glanced back up at Elena, an apologetic look on her face. "I'm so sorry," she apologized, "But our flight is leaving soon." She glanced awkwardly around the bathroom. "Will you be okay?"
Elena immediately nodded her head. "Yes, I'll be fine." Seeing as she'd completely fallen apart in front of these girls not too long ago, they were being far nicer than needed. If she were in their shoes, she probably would have ditched the crazy crying girl ages ago. "Besides, I think I need to get to my gate, as well." The last thing she needed was to miss her flight to Nashville and be stuck in New York for even longer. She had to get out.
That felt familiar.
"Are you sure?" Beverly asked.
"Yes," she assured her. "I'm done crying." For now, she added in her head. She was sure the tears would come again. Damon was getting married and that wasn't changing. She'd probably be crying for days. "You two go."
"Okay," Beverly began hesitantly, but then an idea seemed to form in her head and she was pulling Sarah's phone from her. "What's your number? Sarah will text you and we can try and meet up when we get back to New York. You are coming back, right?"
"I'm coming back." She didn't know when, but she'd be back. She had made a promise to Caroline when she returned last year and she wasn't going to break it, despite what the impromptu trip to Nashville surely looked like.
"Good, so just put your number in here and we'll keep in touch." Elena accepted the phone from Beverly and quickly entered her number in Sarah's Contacts list. "Perfect," Beverly sighed when she took the phone back. "See you around."
The two women that had just cleaned her up in an airport bathroom gave her quick hugs and fled the bathroom, leaving her alone once again. It seemed to be a theme with her life right now. No matter how much it seemed like she was getting things back on track, she always found herself alone. Caroline had Stefan and Sawyer. Bonnie had a serious boyfriend who was more perfect for her than she thought possible. Jenna and Logan were going to have a baby. Jeremy lived with his girlfriend in Savannah. And Damon, well he was getting married. She was alone in a sea of couples, a product of her own making.
There was an old phrase that often haunted her now: "Be careful what you wish for". She had wished to be alone when she fled New York and she got it in spades.
With a sigh, she dug her phone out from her purse and turned it on. When she saw the time flashing back at her, she realized she really hadn't been lying when she said she needed to get to her gate. The plane would start boarding soon. At that moment, the missed calls, voicemails, and texts began popping up on her phone, as she had predicted would happen when she turned it off. They were all from Caroline, who had probably been too busy freaking out to fill Bonnie in on what was going on.
She didn't look at or listen to anything that Caroline had sent her, but she did call her back. While she'd told herself she would sneak out of the city before she talked to them, she knew she owed her friend this. The answer was almost immediate, Caroline gasping into the phone, "Elena?"
"Hey, Caroline."
"Oh, thank god," her best friend sighed. "Do you know how many times I've called you?"
"I know, I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely. "I don't have long to talk, but I thought I should tell you that I'm leaving town."
"You're what?" Caroline shouted into the phone. "Elena!"
"Not forever," she quickly clarified. "I'm just leaving town for a little bit. I have some things I need to do."
"Where are you going?"
"I'm not going to tell you. This is something I need to do alone, but I'll be back soon, I promise."
"Please tell me you're not doing something stupid?"
"I'm just doing something I needed to do a long time ago. I'll leave it at that."
"You're freaking me out, here. I know you're upset about Damon, but just stay. I'll call Bonnie and she'll come over, and then I'll come in a little bit. We're here for you, just let us."
"I will let you, but I need to do this first. Just let me handle a few things and then we'll talk when I get back."
"Elena," Caroline began, but she quickly cut her off.
"Go to Damon's wedding, Caroline. He's the one that needs you today." She squeezed her eyes shut at the feeling of tears that were coming once again. "Tell him I'm sorry and that I hope I didn't ruin his day. Then, give Sawyer a kiss for me and tell him I'll see him soon. Will you do that for me?"
She could hear Caroline crying softly on the other end. "Yeah, I'll do that."
"Okay, I love you, and I'll see you soon."
"I love you too. Be careful."
"Bye Caroline."
Elena pulled her coat tighter around her body as she walked down the street in Evanston. She'd been living in a small studio apartment just outside of Chicago for over a year now and she still hadn't gotten used to it. She'd grown so accustomed to the constant noise of New York City that it was hard to adjust to the quieter nature of her new home. Granted, it wasn't even much of a home. She had the bare essentials in her apartment that was barely big enough for her to breathe in. She was simply existing most days, going through her classes, eating only when she remembered, and living without any of the people she truly needed.
She was living in a lonely world that she'd created for herself.
Not long after she moved out to Illinois, she realized what an utter mistake she'd made by leaving New York. Everyone had been right when they told her she'd be miserable, but it had been too late to turn back. Graduate school drained her bank account faster than she could blink, and with an apartment lease that was for one year, she couldn't afford to buy out her lease. That, combined with the fact that it was incredibly difficult to transfer graduate schools, made her understand that she was stuck, more or less. By the time her lease would be up, she'd have too many credits in school to transfer them all, and she couldn't afford to throw that much money away. After she'd come to that realization, she shut down. It was beyond how she had been in New York. Most days she never spoke. The bartending job she'd found hung on by a thread for months. And it took every ounce of energy she had in her to manage a B in her classes. She never let anyone know, though. Whenever she talked to her friends or family she'd swear that she was doing good and making progress, even though she knew they saw it for the lie it was.
Then, Caroline showed up at her front door, her hip jutted out in determination, and eyes ablaze. She'd promptly informed her that if she was going to stay here, she had to use her time to accomplish something. For some reason, that was the moment she truly broke. She'd spent so long holding everything in, and when faced with how much of her life she was throwing away, she couldn't hold it in any longer. She didn't know how long she'd cried, but Caroline had held her through it all, and when she was done, she pulled Elena off the floor, and put her in the shower. When she'd exited the bathroom thirty minutes later, Caroline had a list of therapists for Elena and told her that she was to find one before she left or Caroline would find one for her.
That had been two months ago, and she'd been going to therapy twice a week ever since. The progress was slow, but it was progress. She still couldn't bring herself to really talk about the miscarriage beyond saying that it happened, but she opened up the rest of herself. Her therapist, Christine Taylor, was a kind woman who wasn't afraid to push her. She didn't let her deflect the hard questions, and she wasn't afraid to force her to face her flaws and mistakes. They had only discussed Damon once, in a session that ended with her spending the final twenty minutes in incoherent tears, and she'd done everything to keep that subject on the backburner for now.
She was starting to make a few friends, as well. It was nobody that she really shared anything with, but she occasionally went out for a drink or to a party. That was mostly because of her neighbor, who also happened to be in grad school, had taken a particular interest in her and invited her to everything. It took her a year to start agreeing, but she was starting to try and live, as futile as it felt most days.
"Hey!" Elena stopped just inside the door of her building. Laura, her neighbor, was just bounding down the steps, a winter coat falling almost to her knees, revealing her long legs in a pair of black tights. "I knocked on your door a little bit ago to see if you wanted to go out. Justin is having a little house party tonight. In fact, he specifically asked me if you'd be coming."
Justin was in her creative writing program at Northwestern and she'd known of him since she started school, but it wasn't until this semester had started that she actually met him. He also happened to be friends with Laura, which had somehow resulted in him being the person she saw the most on a daily basis. He easily cleared six feet and his amazingly clear green eyes seemed to capture the attention of every female he came into contact with. She understood the attraction so many girls had to him, he was extraordinarily handsome. Combine that with his flawless ability to write some of the most poignant words she'd ever read, and yeah, he was the big man on campus.
"I really don't feel like going out tonight," she told Laura once she realized she'd been waiting for some sort of answer from her. "I should stay in and get some work done."
"Oh, please, you can do that tomorrow. Soon, it's going to be too cold to even want to walk outside to go anywhere. Just come out for a few hours, have a couple drinks, dance a little, let loose."
"I don't know," she stated hesitantly.
"Oh get over it, you're coming out." Laura snagged her hand and began dragging her up the stairs to her apartment. "I'll give you thirty minutes to get ready and throw some food on your stomach." They quickly made it to her apartment on the third floor and Laura pushed her toward her door. "See you in a bit!"
Before she could protest again, Laura quickly disappeared into her apartment across the hall, leaving her with the unfortunate task of getting ready. She probably wouldn't even need thirty minutes. Effort wasn't exactly something she put into her attempts at getting ready anymore. It was a good day when she put on foundation and ran a brush through her hair. Maybe tonight she'd actually attempt to put some effort into it. That was what she and her therapist had discussed today. Christine had told her she couldn't expect anything to really change if she didn't try a little more. She'd had a point. While she was making progress, she still had a lot of work to do. After Caroline's trip out here to visit her, she knew she owed it to those that loved her to work on her life again. She was beginning to truly understand how much her actions had affected those around her. Her actions weren't just about her, and she needed to think about that more often.
So, she made an attempt at putting on makeup she had barely worn in a year, making herself appear as if she did have some life in her after all. It was subtle, nothing dark or dramatic, but it was enough. Her hair, which was windblown from her time outside today, couldn't really be tamed in the time she had left, so she made do with putting it up into a slightly messy ponytail. Those were still in, right? Now it was time for the task of finding something to wear. That was the hard part. Her closet was mostly filled with sweatpants, baggy jeans, and plain t-shirts. The clothes she'd typically used for occasions like this were in boxes on the top shelves of her closet. This whole effort thing was going to require a little more effort than she'd anticipated.
It took a few minutes, but she soon had two boxes on the floor in front of her bed. She hadn't looked in these since she moved in, and she was a little scared as to what she might find. The first one was harmless enough, filled mostly with old dresses and a few pairs of shoes. There was even a picture of her, Caroline, and Bonnie buried at the bottom. She set it out so she could put it somewhere in her apartment.
There was a dress in the first box that she believed would be the one she'd wear. It was just a simple black dress with long sleeves, that would keep her warm, but not make her look like too much of a librarian. However, she was curious now as to what was in the other box. From the looks of it, it appeared to be a box Caroline had shipped to her when she moved. With clumsy fingers, she pulled the box open, unprepared for what she'd find inside.
She was not prepared to see his face staring back up at her with a smile so wide it had to hurt his cheeks, but what she really wasn't prepared for was the girl next to him. It was Katherine. As she looked at more of the photo she realized this wasn't just a regular photo. This was their wedding. What was it doing in her box? She frantically began to dig through the box to find her things, but all she came up with was the realization that this box hadn't been meant for her. This was a box of Damon's life with Katherine.
How had she wound up with one of his boxes? And why did it have to be from when he was with Katherine? Most of all, why was she looking at it? The pictures were in her hands and she just couldn't look away from them. Staring at a smiling Katherine was like staring at an urban legend. That's what Katherine pretty much was to her. She knew the woman existed, had even seen her once from a distance, but she'd never actually met her. She was a woman that lived in myths and untold stories. It was like she couldn't possibly be real, but looking at this now, she was real. She had been real, and so had her marriage. Staring at the pictures pulled at things inside of her that were best left alone, but she couldn't stop taking in everything in the box.
It was easy to see he hadn't aged that much since he married Katherine. He looked as charming and captivating, as he had been the day she met him. Well, he wasn't filled with much charm on that night, but he had been captivating. The charming part of his personality came later.
There was something so very odd about getting a glimpse into Damon's past and what life had been like before they met. She found herself missing his smile and wishing she could hear his laugh when she'd see a picture of him laughing at something he'd found remarkably funny. Katherine was never far from his side when these pictures were taken, though. They looked happy. Both of them.
Then there was a picture that was just different. It didn't fit the others. It was darker, neither of them wore bright smiles. They wore no smiles at all. Katherine was leaned back in a chair, Damon resting his upper body on her chest, while his legs dropped to the floor. She had one arm around his shoulders, holding him closely to her. They looked comfortable in the intimate position, but Damon looked physically and mentally exhausted and Katherine seemed almost desperate. Then she saw it – the rug. She knew that rug. She'd gone with Damon to buy that rug. Which meant he and Katherine had already divorced by the time he had it.
"Oh my god," she gasped, and dropped the photo like it had burned her. "No, no," she pleaded, to who she didn't know. "Please don't be true." She crawled to the box and desperately began flipping it around until she found the packaging sticker. Caroline and Bonnie hadn't sent all of her boxes at once. They sent one or two every so often so it wouldn't be overwhelming. Somehow, one of Damon's boxes must have gotten mixed in with hers and they'd sent it to her, but it didn't mean anything just yet. If this was one of the first boxes that they sent her, then it couldn't be true. There was just some weird coincidence about them being in a chair that Damon owned, and sitting next to a rug that he also owned. Surely someone else they knew had those things. Didn't everyone use the same interior designers in those kinds of social groups? It was just some weird coincidence. She found the package sticker and frantically read the dates on the tag. They were from four months ago. "Oh god."
It wasn't a mistake or a coincidence. Damon was back together with Katherine. He was with Katherine. He'd gone back to her. After everything that they'd had together, he went back to Katherine.
She ran to her bed and snatched her phone from her purse and quickly dialed Caroline. "Hello?" she asked when she answered.
"Why didn't you tell me that Katherine and Damon got back together?" she demanded.
"What?" Caroline sputtered for a few moments. "Why would you even ask that?"
"Because I'm looking at a picture of them from after I was gone. That means he's back together with her."
"How do you even have that picture?"
"You didn't check the boxes very carefully and sent one of his to me. That photo just so happened to be in it. So, again, I ask, why didn't you tell me they were back together?"
"Because they're not!" Caroline exclaimed. "He's single, Elena. There's no Katherine."
"Then why do I have this picture?"
"I don't know," Caroline groaned. "A few months after he quit his job he pretty much became a permanent fixture in our house. There was no dating going on, I can assure you of that." Elena's blood pressure began to decrease as she allowed Caroline's words to sink in. It was just a weird misunderstanding. She had gotten all worked up over nothing. "Oooh! Ooooh, no. Crap."
"Caroline?" she shouted, trying to get her friend's attention. "Caroline! What is it? What happened?"
Her friend sighed on the other end of the line, and she knew this wasn't good. "Okay, so, I am right about him not dating anyone while he was with us."
"And?" Elena implored.
"And he may have been with Katherine for a few months after he left his job."
"So, he did. He got back together with her?"
It was true, but what did it really mean? He'd sworn that he was over Katherine and had completely moved on. If he was so over her, why would he go back to her?
"Elena," Caroline began gently, "You were gone. I don't know what happened with them, but you were gone."
"I know," she choked out. "I just didn't expect it." She struggled to breathe in, as it felt like her chest was closing up, and it hurt to draw air into her lungs. "I'm going to let you go."
"I know you're upset, but you don't have to hang up. We can talk about it."
"No, it's fine," she insisted weakly. "I need to get ready for something anyway. Bye." She quickly disconnected the call and dropped her phone to the floor. Caroline was completely right. She'd left Damon; it was well within his right to be with whomever he wanted to be with, even if that person happened to be Katherine. She had no right to be upset with how he'd chosen to live his life with her gone, but it still hurt. Somehow, she'd convinced herself that he wasn't with anyone. She knew it couldn't be true, he would move on at some point, but those were places she didn't allow her mind to go.
"Alright, sexy lady, you ready to have some fun?" Laura came bouncing into her apartment, an excited smile on her face. When she caught sight of Elena sitting on the floor, still dressed in her jeans and t-shirt, the smile fell from her face. "What's this? Why aren't you ready?"
She quickly sat up straighter and shoved the photos back in the box in front of her. "Sorry, I had to pull down some boxes from when I moved to try and find a dress to wear. I just got a little sidetracked."
"Hey, are you okay?" she questioned, probably noticing the stricken look that must be on her face. She must look like someone had run over her dog.
"I'm fine." She lifted her head and attempted the brightest smile she could, but it was tight and undeniably false. "Just give me a minute to throw this on. I'm ready other than that." She rushed off into her bathroom and quickly put the dress on. She leaned against her counter, gripping it tightly in her hands as she forced herself to breathe and pull herself together. "You can do this." It was a quiet chant she found herself saying on a daily basis, trying to convince herself that she could get through the day. Some days she did. Others, not so much. She lifted her head to check her reflection in the mirror and her skin was undeniably pale, while her eyes were exploding with the pain she couldn't release. "You can do this." With a final deep breath, she pushed herself from the sink and exited the bathroom. "Ready."
Laura smiled at her, but it didn't appear as carefree as it had been only minutes before. "You don't have to come if you don't want to. You really can stay in."
"No, I'm going." She couldn't stay in and think about Damon with Katherine all night. If she didn't find a way to distract herself, she'd spend all night staring at pictures of him and Katherine, and then pictures of him and her. Then she'd start to think about the baby. That would be where she'd lose her grip on what little control she had left, and could not do that tonight. While she had wanted to do anything but only an hour ago, she now wanted to do nothing else than spend the evening with alcohol and memories that would fade as the night went on. "Come on."
Laura let her apprehension go and followed after Elena as they left her apartment. The walk to Justin's apartment was a short one. She lived in an area of town that housed a lot of graduate students, and sometimes it felt like they all hung out with each other. His apartment was bigger than hers, because he'd waited until he was 25 to go to grad school and had more money saved up for a nicer place. Even though it was barely past ten, it was quickly filling up with people and she knew that the evening would get interesting in a little bit. She had quickly learned that graduate students worked hard during the week and partied just as hard on the weekends.
"You made it!" Justin threw his arms around her when he spotted her over by the makeshift bar, which was really just his kitchen counter. He pulled her into an excited hug, slightly lifting her off her feet in the process.
She laughed when he set her back down and pulled away. "I think someone started the party a little early."
"I turned in a sixty page paper this morning. I started drinking at lunch." He smiled and ran his eyes over her body. She tried not to fidget as he did so. She knew that he liked her, it wasn't exactly hard to figure out. He'd even asked her on a date once, but she'd declined, saying that she didn't have time to date.
She hadn't been out with a single guy since she'd come here. For the first time since she was a teenager, she was truly single. She'd always seemed to have a boyfriend in her life. There was Tyler in high school, who she'd dated for almost two years. In college, there was Matt. Then, she'd jumped straight from him to Damon. It felt odd sometimes to not have a guy in her life, but she knew she didn't want anyone but Damon, so she never brought herself to try to want anyone else.
"God," she groaned and rolled her eyes, "I really hope I don't get Perry next semester. I think his papers would kill me."
"They're not fun, that's for sure." He was silent for a few moments as he prepared himself a new drink, but once he was finished, he looked back up at her and said, "Laura said you probably wouldn't be coming tonight."
"I wasn't planning on it, but I needed to get out of my apartment. It's time for me to have a little fun."
"Well," another smile broke out across his face and he reached out to grab her hand in his, "You have come to the right place, my dear."
The night seemed to blur together after Justin dragged her into the crowd of people in his apartment. In her effort to block Damon from her thoughts, she consumed far more alcohol than needed, and soon found herself dancing with Justin. Her body did not fit against his like it did against Damon's, but it would do for now. When his hands drifted below her waist, she didn't move them, simply kept moving to the beat of the music. When he pulled her closer, she went willingly, silencing all protests that may have wanted to fall from her lips. And when he kissed her, she let him.
It was the first kiss she'd had since Damon and in so many ways it felt wrong, but somehow, it also felt right. Because when his mouth moved against hers, Damon faded into only her memories. The pain subsided into a dull ache that could be ignored. And the rationality that still lived somewhere inside of her, faded into nothingness. There would be no Caroline or Bonnie to save her from herself tonight.
The next thing she knew, she was pulling her dress over her head and climbing onto his bed. The look of lust in his eyes was unmistakable as she crawled toward him in nothing but her bra and panties. When she leaned in for another kiss, he placed his hands on her arms to stop her. "Just go with it," she told him at the look of question in his eyes. It was all the encouragement he needed to remove his own shirt and pull her mouth back to his.
The experience was new and unfamiliar. His mouth didn't find that particularly sensitive spot under her ear, and his hands didn't graze her skin in a way that left her shivering beneath him. He didn't nearly come undone when she rolled her hips just the way she'd learned would drive Damon crazy. There was no small scar on his shoulder that she could trace with her tongue, but it was okay. She was in a different world where none of it mattered – where Damon didn't truly exist.
They came together quickly, with her clinging to him as he moved inside of her. When his gaze became too much, she pulled his mouth down to hers and forced her eyes closed. She allowed herself to get lost in the feeling of his body against hers and revel in the blank state of her mind.
It was over all too soon, and he laid next to her in silence. Suddenly, she felt cold and far too exposed, even beneath the sheet that covered her body. The realization of what she had just done began to sink and she, once again, felt lost and alone. Damon was no longer the last man she'd kissed. His hands were no longer the last pair that had roamed deftly over her skin. He was no longer the last man that had been inside of her. Before she could stop herself, she flung the covers from her body and ran to the bathroom. She fell to the floor in front of the toilet and threw up.
When she was finished, she washed her mouth out and retrieved a towel to wrap around her body. She couldn't face Justin again just yet, so she sat down on the floor of his bathroom with her legs pulled tightly to her chest.
It hadn't worked. Damon was still there, in every thought she had, and now she just felt like trash. When had she become the girl that slept with someone to block things out? Her method had been effective for a little bit, but now that all was said and done, he was still all that existed in her mind.
Justin appeared in the doorway sometime later, dressed in a pair of sweatpants, a confused and curious look on his face. She'd pulled yet another person into her web of despair.
"There's another guy, isn't there?" She looked up to see him standing in the doorway, clad in a pair of sweatpants. When she silently nodded her head he sighed and rolled his eyes. "I knew it."
"I'm sorry," she apologized quietly.
"It's not your fault," he assured her, but his next words would not be comforting or gentle. "I should have known that a girl as hot as you had to be pretty screwed up in the head to still be single."
She choked back her tears as she frantically began to shake her head. "You're not wrong on that point."
"Maybe you should get dressed."
Elena silently returned to the bedroom and put her clothes back on. Justin politely kept his back turned while she dressed and it was only when she apologized that he turned back around. "I really am sorry, Justin."
"I get it," he shrugged. "You have issues."
"For what it's worth, if I hadn't completely decimated my entire life, we could have had a chance."
"See you around, Elena."
She quickly exited his room and found Laura to tell her she was leaving. After insisting that she would be fine to go home on her own and that she needed to stay and have fun, Laura hugged her and told her they'd talk tomorrow. After that she began her cold walk back to her lonely apartment, where there would be no one to talk to or comfort her. She was on her own, just like she'd sworn that she wanted. It had sounded appealing and seemed like her only option a year and a half ago, now, she realized, it was her own personal hell. She'd thought the months after the miscarriage had been hell, but she'd still had Damon, even if she was pushing him away with both hands. Now, she had nothing and no one.
She showered when she returned home, scrubbing furiously at her body until her legs gave out beneath her and she tumbled to the floor of the shower. Long after the warm water ran out, she remained beneath harsh cold that rained down upon her, curled into a ball and crying. Her skin was raw and sore, but it didn't register in her mind. All she could think about was how dirty she felt. When her body could take the cold no longer, she turned off the water and crawled to her bed, where she buried herself beneath the covers and forced herself to sleep.
More than twelve hours passed before she emerged from the cocoon of her bed, still exhausted and feeling more horrible than the night before. Her head was pounding and her body ached, but something also felt different. There was a desire in her to change something, so she did.
Her night with Justin seemed to be the catalyst she needed to truly take action to get better. Therapy wouldn't help if she didn't put in any effort. She didn't retreat into a depression like she had before, but she did stop going out. There were no more nights out, simply the occasional dinner with Laura, who was something like a Midwestern version of Caroline. She rarely took no for an answer, and was probably the only reason she didn't turn into a complete recluse. All of her energy was thrown into school from then on out. She put every thought and emotion that ran through her body down on paper. She began keeping a journal for the first time since her parents died. Her entire soul was laid bare on the sheets of paper in front of her, if she couldn't say the things she needed to the person she wanted to, her journal would have to do.
It was cathartic and exhausting all at the same time. For the first time in years, she was facing the actions that had brought her to this point in her life. She accepted the accountability she'd had in all of the decisions she'd made. For ages, she'd allowed herself to be purely driven by the circumstances around her, failing to find rationality and logic in the things she did. Her relationship with Matt should have ended long before it did, and she should have had the courage to let him go like he'd deserved. Her relationship with Damon shouldn't have ended at all. While they'd come together in circumstances that weren't the best, with the cheating and the attempt to only have casual sex, they'd grown into so much more. He'd given her everything she had, and she'd been too scared to accept it.
She could admit now that she'd been scared of what he felt for her. After the miscarriage, a big part of her had wondered if he really did want to be with her or if he'd only progressed their relationship because she'd gotten pregnant. She understood now that it hadn't been the case, he had truly loved her, but her brain had failed to see logic at that point. All she'd been able to see was the pain that consumed her. Some days the pain was still crippling, and she wanted nothing more than to hear his voice again or have his arms around her, but she knew that wasn't possible right now. There was a lot of work that had to be done with her, and that was what she needed to focus on, for once in her life. If she'd done that to begin with, she would have saved a lot of people a lot of heartache.
The next six months seemed to pass in a whirlwind, and before she knew it, she was days away from having her graduate degree. While it would never be worth all the pain that she'd endured and caused, it felt good to have something to show for her time here.
"Elena? Elena!"
Elena snapped her attention back to the man sitting across from her, a large oak desk dividing them. His gaze was locked on her form as he waited for her to acknowledge him. It was a common occurrence for her nowadays. She seemed to walk around in a daze most of the time, lost in the thoughts in her own head until she could sit down with a pen and paper and release them somehow. "Oh, sorry," she quickly apologized. "What were you saying?"
"I was saying that you're not a bad writer. You're a wonderful, talented writer, and one day, I believe you can do great things with what you write."
"So why have you called me in here?" she asked her professor, Dr. Kimbrell. He was, hands down, the hardest professor she'd ever had in her entire undergraduate and graduate educations, but he was also the most fulfilling. Her papers were often returned looking as if he'd cut his arm open and simply bled onto the pages, but they contained the best advice she felt she could ever get. His word was something she valued.
"Because today is just not that day. Your final paper is good, I'm not saying otherwise, but something is missing." He handed her back the heavy paper that she'd almost thought would be the death of her. "In theory, your characters are great, but they're simply not fleshed out enough. The story was supposed to be about finding and developing the voices of your characters, but they're just not there It's almost as if you don't know them at all."
"I created them." She said defensively. "They're my characters. Of course I know them."
Dr. Kimbrell looked at her with a touch of pity and mild annoyance. "Do you? Because halfway through this, the main character realizes that she's made a mistake and that she's miserable, but she never does anything about it. How is the audience supposed to root for a character that doesn't root for herself?"
"She's following through on her commitments. Isn't that mature and admirable?"
"But what does it get her? That's the point I'm trying to make, Elena. It might be admirable for her to try and stick it out, but what does it get the character? There's no growth or realizations past her figuring out that she's miserable because she ran away from her problems. She never tries to fix them."
"It's about a girl who realizes that she made a wrong choice, but she's facing the consequences. She realizes that she has to accept it and try to rebuild her life."
"Maybe," he admitted reluctantly, but she knew she had not changed his mind. "That's just not what the story is saying, though."
"So what are you getting at? Are you not going to pass me?" Elena sat straighter in her chair and gathered her belongings on her lap, ready to flee the office.
"I'm going to pass you, there's no need to worry about that, but I like you. I've seen you grow as a writer since you came here, but you still have a lot you need to figure out. Maybe the problem isn't that you don't know your characters, but that you don't truly know yourself."
She tried to take his advice in stride, but the truth was, his words were hitting her harder than she had expected them to. She knew that he was right. She was still so lost about who she truly was, and she understood it had to affect her writing. It didn't change the fact that it still hurt. He'd basically just told her that she was a pathetic person who would rather be miserable than try and fix her life. Because two years ago she had made a horrible mistake and run from her problems, only to learn that running just made them worse.
It was a realization that had come too little too late and she hadn't been able to change history. She'd been in school and had obligations that she decided to honor, like the adult that she had claimed to be. Only now she was being told that she was a coward that didn't have the guts to face her past.
"Thank you, Dr. Kimbrell. You've been the best professor I ever could have asked for." Elena rose to her feet and plastered the most sincere smile possible on her face. "Maybe I'll see you around."
She turned to leave, but he called out to her. "Elena," he waited until she turned back around to continue on. "Ernest Hemingway's first novel was stolen from a train station, never to be published. Later, he admitted that the novel probably hadn't even been good and that he had to write that not so great novel to be able to become the writer he needed to be. He's still one of the greatest writers that history has ever seen. You're young and talented. If you take the time to focus on yourself and your writing, away from school required assignments, you could publish a great novel one day."
"Thank you, Dr. Kimbrell."
She knew that he was just trying to be nice and that a part of him did sincerely feel bad about what he'd just said to her, but it didn't make it any easier. It just made her feel like he was right and that she'd just wasted the last two years of her life, even if she did have her graduate degree. Amazing how five minutes could change her view so much. He'd taken everything she'd told herself for two years and completely shattered it.
Because if she were to sit down and look at her life, what did she really have? Sure, she had her Masters, but with Caroline and Bonnie on the other side of the country there was no one to celebrate with. When she moved, life didn't suddenly come to a halt in New York. Caroline and Bonnie still had lives that continued on without her. And after what had happened with Damon, she didn't really have any other friends left.
There seemed to be nothing but a path of destruction in her wake, and for the next two weeks, she obsessed over her conversation with Dr. Kimbrell, pouring over every single paper she'd ever turned into him, writing notes in the margins, and trying to figure out what was truly wrong with her words. One night, as she was reading over one of the defining moments in her final paper, it hit her – she was what was wrong. He was totally and completely right, but not just about her characters. Not only would her words never truly make sense if she didn't know herself, but neither would her life.
That was how she found herself standing on the crowded streets of New York City for the first time in two years. Nobody knew that she was in town. Last she'd told Caroline and Bonnie, she was still in Chicago, finishing up with school. In fact, when they'd come to visit her last month, she didn't mention a word about coming back. Somewhere in her mind, she'd always had the idea that she would, but she never allowed herself to think about it, because if she did, then she wouldn't be able to stay away for another moment. She had no more excuses, though, only time.
So, here she was, outside of Caroline's building, getting ready to surprise one of her best friends.
She entered the building and rode up to Caroline's floor in a nervous silence. Caroline didn't really liked to be surprised, but everything had been so last minute. One minute, she'd been sitting in her apartment a pen in her mouth, and dozens of sheets of paper scattered around her. The next, she was on her computer, looking for empty apartments in her old neighborhood. A week later she had packed everything up, turned in the letter to not renew her lease and had been on a plane back to New York. She'd only signed the lease for a new apartment an hour ago.
She was ready to do what she hadn't been able to do two years ago. She was going to face her problems in the flesh and fix the mess she'd made of her life.
She could hear shuffling footsteps from the inside the apartment after she knocked on Caroline's door. Soon, her friend had thrown open the door and was standing in front of her, eyes wide and silent at the site of Elena in her hallway.
"Oh my God!" Caroline exclaimed, a wide smile on her face, after a moment. "What are you doing here?" She quickly pulled Elena into a tight hug and Elena felt herself relax in the blonde's arms, but then Caroline went tense and pulled away, eyes wide. "Oh my God! What are you doing here?"
She studied Caroline curiously for a moment before offering a brief smile. "I'm back." She shrugged her shoulders awkwardly. "I decided to come home."
"Why didn't you call?"
"It was all kind of last minute. I haven't even shipped my things out, and I just got in today."
"So, you're back for good?" she questioned hesitantly, almost scared of the answer.
"Yeah."
Caroline opened her mouth to say something, but then the voice that haunted her dreams every night sliced through the silence. "Blondie, Stefan says if you want your stuff packed you have to come help. He says he knows better than to –."
Elena watched as Damon strode into the entryway. His voice trailed off into the distance when his eyes fell on her standing frozen in the hallway. She felt her stomach turn over inside of her at the sight of him in a black t-shirt and jeans, his hair a ruffled mess.
"Oh no." Caroline looked like a deer caught in headlights as Damon came to a halting stop behind her.
"Damon," she breathed out. It had been two years and he still looked as gorgeous as he ever had.
His face hardened after the shock wore off and he seemed to understand that she was standing a few feet in front of him. "I think you have the wrong place." He pulled Caroline back and then slammed the door in her face, leaving her stunned in the hallway.
She remained in front of the door, stunned at what had just happened. His voice had been ice cold as he talked to her like she shouldn't be here. And the look he'd had in his eyes – he'd only ever looked like that when in the presence of his father. The way he'd looked at her just then, it was like he hated her.
"I'm so sorry, Elena." Caroline opened the door and she could tell that she was flustered. "You just, you caught us off guard." She pulled the door closed behind her as she stepped cautiously into the hallway. "Damon was just surprised, that's all."
"You don't have to lie to me," she said to her friend. Caroline struggled for the next words that she would say, but nothing seemed to come. She was truly at a loss for the first time in her life. "Guess this will teach me to show up unannounced."
"It's not that I'm not happy," Caroline insisted, "I just really wasn't expecting this. Stefan and I, we're moving and everything is such a mess. We didn't expect that our place would sell so fast, but then it did, and they want us out in thirty days, which was twenty-eight days ago. We didn't start packing until we found a new place, since we're stupid. We've had to rope pretty much everyone we know into helping us because I can't do much with –" She went silent, mid-sentence and swallowed thickly. Her face grew pale and she shook her head, trying to erase the words from her brain. When Elena was about to ask her what was wrong, Caroline continued on like nothing had happened. "Anyway, we're just a disaster in there, but I'm so happy you're back." The tears appeared in her eyes and then she was pulling Elena into a tight hug. "God, I missed you."
Elena allowed herself to revel in the familiarity and comfort of Caroline's embrace. "I missed you too," she whispered. "I missed you so much, you and Bonnie."
"Oh my god, Bonnie!" She pulled away from Elena, an ecstatic look on her face. "Does she know? Have you see her yet?"
"No, I came here first. You're closer to my new apartment."
"She's going to go insane when she realizes you're back. This is going to be great." She had her arms around Elena again before she could even blink. "We're all back together again!"
The two friends talked and cried for fifteen more minutes before Stefan came into the hallway and told Caroline they really needed her help, then went back inside without sparing a single look in her direction. The blonde apologized, but Elena told her there was no need. Stefan was Damon's brother, of course he wouldn't want to look at her or talk to her. She couldn't blame him. She didn't want to look at herself most days. Caroline hugged her one more time, telling her that there would be a small party a few days after they were moved into their new place. She didn't question the fact that Caroline didn't ask her to help with the move. The words that remained unsaid were simple; Damon would be there and he wouldn't want her there. So, she'd have to make do with waiting a few more days to see her again.
The next stop was Bonnie's, and her reaction wasn't much different than Caroline's. There were tears and hugging, but Bonnie then added on an hour-long lecture for good measure. She didn't complain through any of it, took it all in stride. She deserved the lecture and more from her. And the next few days that Caroline was busy with the move, Bonnie stayed glued to her side. Nothing would make up for the years they'd spent apart, but it felt great to finally be around her again. Sometimes, she'd catch Bonnie looking at her, harsh words fighting just inside her mouth to come out, but she held them in. For now.
Maybe it had been her way of giving Elena an easy time before the party, where she'd see Damon again. She didn't expect anything pretty or special at the party. It would be torture; that she knew. She'd be in the same room with him for the first time in years, unable to touch him or say anything to him that she wanted. No, she predicted, it would be awhile before Damon would allow her to say much of anything to him.
When she walked into Stefan and Caroline's new building, her palms started sweating, and the nerves that had been fraying a little more with each passing minute that led up to the party and facing Damon again, left her doubting herself more and more. Tonight was supposed to be a fun night for Stefan and Caroline, would her presence really be a good idea? "I don't know, Bonnie," Elena said, nervously picking at her dress. "Are you sure it's a good idea that I'm here? You know Damon isn't going to want me to be here."
"Damon's a big boy, he can suck it up," Bonnie told her as she pressed the button for Caroline and Stefan's floor.
"I know, but still, you didn't see him the other day when he saw me. He looked at me like I was his father."
"Okay, look," Bonnie turned and grabbed Elena's shoulders to give her a heavy stare. "The way you handled things when you left was horrible, I won't sugarcoat that, but it's done. You left and now you're back, none of that can change. So, you have to figure out whether you can handle Damon's anger, or whether you want to run away again. Which will it be?"
The elevator came to a stop and the doors slid open on Caroline's floor, but Bonnie was still looking at her, waiting for an answer. She could let Bonnie get out of the elevator and go to this dinner party while she went home, or she could put on her brave face and go try and fix her mistakes.
"I'll stay," she finally said, her voice holding more confidence than she felt, but she knew she meant what she said.
The past two years had taught her that running away from her problems didn't fix anything. Running didn't make the pain lessen. It didn't make a difference to how she felt about Damon. All running had accomplished was isolating her from everyone she knew.
"Good," Bonnie smiled at her. "Cause Caroline would have kicked my butt if I'd actually let you not come. And let me tell you, she's just crazy enough to actually do it right now."
Elena tried to tell herself to relax as Bonnie looped her arm through hers, but that was easier said than done. Even if she did put on her brave face, it was still going to hurt to be in the same room as Damon and know that he was furious with her. There would be no shared smiles or stolen touches. There was just going to be tension and pain.
"Just don't let him kill me," she mumbled softly to Bonnie as they entered the spacious apartment that Caroline and Stefan had just finished moving into. She still didn't understand why they had moved from their two-bedroom apartment into a five-bedroom penthouse, but she hadn't asked. She'd been gone for two years; she hadn't earned that right back just yet.
Moments after entering, she spotted Damon across the room, deep in conversation with Alaric. He was smiling and laughing about something, but with Alaric's gaze found her across the room, Damon's soon followed, and the moment he laid eyes on her, his entire demeanor changed. The smile fell from his lips and his entire body went rigid. She could practically feel the temperature in the room drop as he stared at her. However, as quickly as his eyes had found her, they left her. He promptly turned his back to her and delved right back into his conversation with Alaric, who did his best to follow along, but as his eyes continued to stray to her, she knew he was finding it hard.
"Stop staring," Bonnie whispered in her ear. "Just don't worry about it."
"He hates me."
"It's Damon," Bonnie rolled her eyes, "He hates everything but alcohol."
The laugh fell from her lips before she could pull it back in. Two years and one devastating mistake later and Bonnie could still barely tolerate Damon. With how much she was finding out had changed during her time away, it was nice to see that at least something had stayed the same. "I know I've said it a million times these past few days, but I really missed you, B."
"Right back at ya." Bonnie playfully bumped her hip against Elena before linking their arms together and dragging her over to the bar. "Drinks? I think we'll need the assistance tonight."
Truer words had never been spoken, Elena realized as the night went on. She could feel Damon's eyes on her from time to time, but every time she looked over, he was deeply engrossed in whatever conversation he was having at the moment. Caroline had said a quick hello in between trying to greet everyone, promising her that she'd talk to her in a little bit, but Bonnie stayed glued to her side, giving her the extra strength that the alcohol could not.
"How many death threats do you think Caroline gave to get this place ready for the party tonight?" Elena questioned as she walked down the hallway with Bonnie after having looked at some of the bedrooms. She still had that right as a friend, at least.
"I don't know, but I'm just glad you came back when you did, because if you hadn't, I would have been stuck helping her move to. So, hey, barely a week back in New York and you're already starting to make up for some of your mistakes. Good job."
"Thank you, but I don't think everything else will be nearly as easy as hanging out with you. I still have a long talk –" She stopped dead in her tracks, paralyzed by the sight in front of her. Damon had his arms around Andie, the woman he'd sworn hadn't wanted him, his lips pressed gently to her ear as he whispered something to her. Elena could see the blush creep up on Andie's cheeks, and it hurt. It felt like someone had stabbed her in the chest as she watched Damon smile and then kiss her.
"Uh-oh," Bonnie mumbled beside her. "Caroline said he wasn't bringing her."
"He's dating Andie?" she questioned, her voice sounding strained from the effort it took to even force the words out.
"Yeah," Bonnie began quietly. "They've been together for a few months. I'm sorry. I would have told you, but I honestly thought he wasn't bringing her. I wanted to give you a little more time back before that bomb was dropped on you."
As if he could hear what was being said, his eyes lifted and met hers across the distance. She could only imagine what she must look like right now. If the pain that was surely etched on her face had any affect on him, it didn't show. He only raised an eyebrow and turned to kiss Andie, making no attempt to hide the fact that his tongue was taking up shop in her mouth in front of a room of people.
"Oh god," she groaned and forced herself to look away.
"Hey, don't even worry about that." Bonnie waved her hand in the general direction of Damon and Andie. "You knew he wasn't going to play nice. Brush it off."
"He moved on," she choked out.
"Yes."
"I'm sorry," she apologized. "I know I sound stupid. I just didn't think I'd see that."
"At least it's out of the way. Come on, let's get another drink."
She let Bonnie keep her as separated from Damon as possible for the next hour, while forcing herself to keep her eyes away from him as well. Every time she seemed to see him now, he was kissing Andie or whispering something in her ear. They looked happy and content, and it hurt like a bitch. Her luck ran out though, when someone Elena didn't know pulled Bonnie away, and she was left all alone in the middle of the room.
Al she could do was stand there with her drink in her hand, trying not to look like too much of a freak. At least, until Caroline came bouncing over to her, apologizing profusely about it taking so long for her to be able to talk to Elena. "I'm so sorry. Stefan's teacher friends have been hogging me all night. They're great people, but they always get off on these literature tangents and I feel so stupid. I read Cosmopolitan and Vogue, what the hell do I know about Hemingway?"
Elena laughed, happy that she had an ally at her side again. Maybe she'd be lucky and get to talk to Caroline for at least twenty minutes before someone dragged her off. "The place is great," Elena complimented the penthouse with a wide smile, as she looked around. "I can't believe you got everything moved in so quickly."
"What can I say? I have Stefan trained well." Caroline smiled brightly as she glanced over her shoulder to Stefan, who was engrossed in a conversation with a man that she assumed was one of his coworkers. "I may have also threatened Ric and Damon with bodily harm if they didn't help."
Elena couldn't help but giggle softly at Caroline. Some things would never change with that girl.
"So, why did you two move? You loved that apartment."
"What, Blondie didn't tell you?"
Elena's head snapped in Damon's direction as he came waltzing over to them, his arm slung casually around Andie's shoulders. He had a dangerous smile plastered to his face, and she knew that this wasn't going to end well.
"Damon," Caroline warned, her eyes wide. "Stop it. Don't do this."
"Tell me what?" Elena looked back at Caroline, confused on what she was missing. Someone wasn't telling her something.
"Go ahead, sis," Damon encouraged. "Tell Elena here the good news."
"Don't," Caroline grit out from between her teeth.
What the hell was going on?
"Fine," he sighed with a dramatic roll of his eyes. "I'll go ahead and share." His eyes moved to her, and she saw his gaze harden as his eyes locked with hers. "Caroline's pregnant. Surprise!"