Chapter 24
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
Elena forced herself to choke back the tears as she ended her call with Caroline. She heard the panic and fear in her voice and it was hard to not call her right back and tell her everything. She couldn't do that, though. If Caroline knew what kind of state she was in, she might not make it to Damon's wedding or truly be there for him on this day. She had to let Caroline know that she was okay and nothing could be done for her right now. Caroline's attention had to be on Damon, because even if she'd just tried to keep his wedding day from happening, it was happening.
She tried and she failed, and it hurt like hell. She hadn't fought hard enough. She let him control everything this past year, hoping that if she just waited until that right chance, she'd fix all of it. She thought that chance had come a few times, but she was always proven wrong. He had taken her up and he had taken her down this past year, but she had deserved all of it. He called all of the shots because she didn't have that right anymore. She left herself at his mercy, and he never really did find any for her in the end.
At least she had the comfort of knowing that she'd rebuilt her friendships. She'd, of course, been blessed with the best friends she could ever ask for, and they'd made it much easier than they could have. Though there were some moments where it was more than abundantly clear how much she had missed during her time away, but there were also times where it had felt like she had never left. They were her rocks through the past year. That was why she knew that she meant it when she said she would be back soon. She'd never move away from them again. She had to have them in the rest of her life. End of story.
It was Damon that she would no longer get to have. Maybe she had been delusional in her thoughts that there would ever be a day that things would be good between them again. Or, if that had ever been possible, she'd ruined it today. After begging him not to get married, things would never be okay. How could he ever be able to look her in the eye again, knowing what he knew? Granted, sometimes she didn't know how he looked at her anyway. A lot had happened in this past year. His mood was never something that she had found herself able to predict. When she expected anger, she got silence. When she expected indifference, she got hatred. When she expected acceptance, she got destroyed. And, most of all, when she expected to just be able to look in his eyes and see the man she loved more than anything, she'd see a stranger.
It was when she had those thoughts that she wanted to turn around and go straight back to him to demand answers. She wanted to know what any of it meant. She wanted to know why he'd behaved the way he had, what had been going through his head. Sometimes, he kept himself so closed off from her that she felt like they were in two separate worlds. Other times, she felt like they were on the same page for the first time in years. None of it ever lasted though. The good or the bad, it never lasted and it was exhausting. It had drained her this year, but she still loved him. No matter what he'd put her through, her heart was still his. It always would be. Even though he was preparing to promise to spend the rest of his life with Andie, she still hoped, in some distant part of her soul, that it would somehow be her. Today wouldn't be that day, but they weren't dead yet.
"Okay, what about this?" Elena grabbed the laptop from Bonnie and looked at the job listing she'd found. It was an entry-level position at a smaller publishing company, and she figured it would probably pay well. Nothing would really pay as well as bartending had for her for the past several years, but she couldn't serve drinks forever. "You could have this to get your foot in the door with publishing, make some connections, and then possibly have a better chance when you finish a book."
"Yeah, that would probably be good." Now that she had her Master's, she figured that she needed to do something with it. She'd put off doing anything of value for most of her twenties thus far. It was time for her to do something with her life, and writing was what she loved to do. She'd lost that for a bit, but she was focused on that again. She had a story to tell. For a girl who had had as much sadness and upset in her life as she had, surely she could come up with something that someone would want to read. She had a past and a history, and it was time to do something with it.
Maybe she could take all of this heartache and pain and channel it into something great. Maybe, with a lot of effort, she could make it all mean something, and not be for absolutely nothing. Damon had been right last night when he'd told her that she was back in New York with nothing to show for her time in Chicago. She had her degree, but what else did she really have? She had no friends. She'd been told that her characters were too raw and undeveloped. She really had made very little progress on the sadness that overwhelmed her on a daily basis. She was still stuck in limbo, and she couldn't stay here forever. If she didn't fix things, she didn't know how she'd ever survive. She needed to do something.
"Have you thought about trying to turn in articles to magazines?" Bonnie suggested, but Elena could see the question was leading somewhere.
"Isn't that more of a journalist thing?" She'd had to take a class about writing for mass media, but it wasn't where her knowledge really was. She knew how to write fiction.
"If you want to be a reporter, yeah, but think about all those people that have blogs. Most of them don't have a fancy journalism degree hanging on their walls. I don't think people care that much about who is writing the things they read. I think people just want to read things they can relate to."
"And I'm someone that people can relate to?" Her, the girl who cheated on her boyfriend of four years and fell into a relationship with a recently divorced guy after she wound up accidentally pregnant at 22? Her, who then abandoned said guy with absolutely no warning, and set out on a path to destroy her life? How could anyone relate to anything she had to say?
"I think so. You're a girl who's made mistakes and is in the process of trying to fix them. People love a good comeback story."
"Doesn't my comeback, as you call it, require something other than hatred from Damon? I can't really fix all my mistakes if he never stops hating me." And there was no doubt that he hated her.
Finding out about Caroline's pregnancy last night had been more than unexpected. One minute she'd been having a nice conversation with her, happy that something felt good, and then Damon was turning her world upside down. He'd looked at her with such contempt as he gleefully informed her of Caroline's pregnancy, and it had taken her down at the knees. Her response hadn't been the best, and she'd ended up locked in the bathroom, frantically trying to pull herself together and continue on, but it had been too hard.
It had thrown her for such a loop; she hadn't known how to respond. Caroline felt horrible, and she hated that her friend felt that way. She shouldn't have had her pregnancy revealed in such a horrible way, but Damon hadn't cared about her choices, he'd been far too consumed with his anger for Elena. He wanted to hurt her and he was going to take any chance she got. Caroline being pregnant was the perfect one. What better way to cause her immeasurable amounts of pain than by reminding her of the most devastating time of her life? It had more than done the trick. Even if he hadn't found her in the bar last night, she still would have spent hours crying herself to sleep. However, due to their painful confrontation that seemed to go on forever, sleep never even came. She cried for hours until the sun finally began to peer through her window.
She didn't know how she had enough tears to cry for so long, but they had just kept on coming. He'd taken everything she already knew about herself and thrown it in her face in the coldest way possible. He sought out her weaknesses and honed in on them, taking great pride in the tears and defeat he'd received in return. In fact, the only time she gained any type of upper hand was when she revealed her knowledge of his relationship with Katherine. He'd seemed surprised and almost reproachful for a full five seconds before the wall went back up, and he took control again. She almost couldn't believe what she'd revealed to him, about sleeping with Justin and him throwing her out. Damon seemed confused about that for a few moments, but she was too tired at that point to really question it.
And then there was the baby. That had been her real breaking point that night. Having him so casually discuss Caroline, like it didn't faze him for a second that she was pregnant, hurt. She understood that he wanted to hurt her. She wanted to hurt herself too. What she couldn't get, and what haunted her for the rest of the night was his indifference to all of it. Was he over it? Had he forgotten the fear and utter desolation that had held them both captive that fateful night? Did he not care? Was that how he was able to use it against her?
That would only lead to more tears, because it broke her heart to know that he might not care anymore. Their child had somehow transformed from a birth control mistake to something real and possible. He'd been with her when they saw the baby for the first time. She'd seen the relief and elation that had spread across his face when the doctor showed them their child. She'd felt the joy bursting from his body as he'd hugged her when they were finally alone in that sterile room. She'd reveled in the need to never let her go when he held her that night, his hand safely resting atop her stomach. He'd cared. She knew that he had. So how did it mean so little now? How did it not matter?
"Hey, what's wrong?" Bonnie questioned, a worried look on her face.
Elena realized then that she had tears in her eyes as she recalled everything that had happened last night. She shook her head and tried to ease Bonnie's worry as she said, "Nothing, I just got caught up in a few things in my head."
"Elena, you're going to be fine," Bonnie insisted. "Damon can't stay mad at you forever."
"It's Damon. If there's anyone that can hold a grudge against me until the day he dies, it's him."
"You're making a big deal out of things that you shouldn't worry about. I've seen how different things are since you've been home. I know you're trying, and that is going to make a world of difference. That was what we wanted for you back then, and it's what we still want now."
"But last night," she whispered. "You didn't see the look on his face, Bonnie. He smiled at me when he said it. He smiled."
"I know, honey."
"I understand that he's mad, but I don't get why he had to go there." It hurt more than she thought possible to think of how he'd so thoughtlessly used their child to inflict so much pain on her.
"You had to expect that he was going to play dirty. It's Damon; he's not fair. You just have to block it out," she advised.
"I can't. I deserve it."
Bonnie fiercely shook her head. "Not like that, you don't. If he wants to make a few snide comments here and there, that's one thing, but that's too much."
"You're biased."
"Well, duh," she deadpanned. "I know things have changed in two years, but nothing could make me play on Damon's team. Caroline may like him now, but that's never going to be me."
Elena sighed, somewhat content in the knowledge that she'd always have one person firmly in her corner. "I love you, Bonnie."
Bonnie smiled and leaned over to hug her. "I love you too. Always will." She pulled away and looked down at her watch. "I should go. Don't you need to go to Caroline's anyway?"
"Yeah," Elena agreed. "I told her I'd come a little after lunch."
She called Caroline early this morning to ask if she could come over for them to talk. She'd briefly talked with Caroline last night when she was in the bathroom, and told her that she was happy for her, but she hadn't gotten to really convey that to her friend. Although it stung and brought up rough memories; she was happy for Caroline. All she'd ever wanted was to be married and have kids. It had even worried Elena before she'd met Stefan. She'd been scared that Caroline would end up with the first boy in Mystic Falls to tell her he loved her, and that would be that. Once she came to NYU and met Stefan, Elena's fears were silenced. There was no better partner for her, and they'd make great parents.
"Okay, well I'll head on out, but think about what I said, and look at those jobs we found." After she stood up and retrieved her purse she turned to give Elena a pointed look. "I didn't spend all day looking at job listings for nothing."
Elena chuckled. "I'll send in my resume tomorrow."
"Good."
Elena stood and let Bonnie out of her small apartment before setting her sights on getting ready. Now that she'd had a nice morning with Bonnie, she certainly needed at least an hour with her other best friend. Now that she was back, she didn't know how she'd survived two years without having them in the same city as her. Actually, she did; she barely survived. It felt nice to be close to them again, and be able to spend the day with them just because she wanted to. She'd missed this.
However, she also understood that her conversation with Caroline wouldn't necessarily be easy today. No matter how happy she was for her friend, she knew that it would still bring up some painful memories. She wouldn't let Caroline have any knowledge of that. No, she'd save that for when she was safely home. She owed it to Caroline to show her full support and happiness over her pregnancy. Which was why she would also not be going empty handed. The gift wasn't much, but she hoped that Caroline would appreciate it.
Her nerves were starting to get to her by the time she got to Caroline's, but she was determined to do this today. She forced her nerves down, shoving them down with every ounce of strength she had. Her attention had to be on Caroline. She knew that she was happy for her best friend, and she had to make sure Caroline felt that and knew that. Her own feelings were not what mattered in these next moments; it was all about Caroline.
After she'd composed herself and given herself a small pep talk, she softly knocked on the door. She was ready for this.
Caroline pulled the door open and smiled nervously at Elena. "Hey, come in." She held the door open wider for Elena to fully enter. Once she was inside and the door was shut, she looked at her. "I'm glad you called."
"I thought we needed to talk."
"Here, let's go sit down." She grabbed Elena's hand and pulled her to the living room, where she directed them to the large sectional and sat down. She squeezed Elena's hand when they sat down and said, "Before we start, I just want to say that I'm sorry. I wanted to be the one to tell you, but things were so busy with the move. I didn't want to tell you something like this and not be able to talk to you about it. I wasn't trying to keep it from you. I was just waiting for the right time. After your miscarriage, I knew that this would affect you differently than me telling Bonnie or my parents. I was trying to find the best way and—"
"Stop." Elena held up her free hand to silence Caroline's rapid-fire speech, to which the blonde immediately snapped her mouth shut. "You don't have anything to apologize for. This is your pregnancy and you can tell me, or anyone you want, whenever you want, however you want. You didn't do anything wrong. I want to make sure you understand that before we go on. So, is that understood?" she questioned pointedly.
Caroline tearfully nodded her head. "Understood."
"Good," she smiled. "Cause now I can tell you that I am so happy for you. I'm not upset or sad. I'm just happy. You deserve this, and you don't have to answer to me about any of it. This is your time, not mine. I don't want you to feel like you can't be excited around me or talk about the baby, because you can. I want to know everything. Even though I made a lot of mistakes these past two years, you're still my best friend, and I couldn't be happier for you."
"You really mean it?" Caroline sniffled.
Elena looked her friend directly in the eye, unflinchingly strong as she promised, "With every fiber of my being."
Caroline breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Her shoulders fell forward and her head fell a few inches as the tension poured from her. "Thank god." She launched herself forward and threw her arms around Elena's neck. "I was so worried."
"I know, but there's nothing to be worried about anymore," Elena assured her. "You're going to be a mommy!"
"I'm gonna be a mom!" she said, her voice brimming with happiness. "Oh god, you do not know how much I've wanted to say this to you," Caroline told her when they finally pulled away from each other. "I hated you not knowing."
"I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me." And she meant it. She meant every word. She was happy for Caroline. She and Stefan were madly in love, and had been married for almost three years now; this was the obvious next step for them. They were far more prepared to have a baby together than she and Damon were. She would be the worst person in the world if she weren't happy for them.
Caroline pulled away and wiped at the stray tears on her cheeks. "It wasn't that I felt like I couldn't tell you. I just didn't know how."
"Well," Elena grabbed both of Caroline's hands in hers and smiled, "Now that I know, you can tell me everything. I want to know it all. Were you trying? Was it a surprise? How far along are you? When are you due? I want to know everything."
This was all the encouragement the blonde needed to dive straight into anything and everything that had to do with her pregnancy. "We were trying, but not actively. I was off the pill, so we were just hoping it would happen. It was still a surprise, though. Stefan knew I was pregnant before I did. We actually made a bet about the pregnancy test," she giggled and happily rolled her eyes. "Obviously, I lost, but I'm okay with losing this bet. I'm ten weeks, and they say I'm due February 19. Oh my god!" She jumped up and ran into her bedroom, leaving Elena confused on the couch. Did Caroline have pregnancy brain already? Moments later, she came running back into the living room, waving something in her hands. "Ultrasound pictures!" She plopped back down on the couch and held them out for Elena. "We got them done two weeks ago."
Tears flooded Elena's eyes as she looked down at the ultrasound photos in her hand with a little bubble that was supposed to be coming from the baby saying Hi mom and dad. "This is too cute," Elena whispered. "Did they let you hear the heartbeat?"
Caroline's face exploded with joy. "Yes! It was—I have no words for how great it was. It wasn't real until then. It was like I knew I was pregnant, but I didn't really feel it. Suddenly, it was there in front of me. I'm going to have a baby!"
Elena excitedly nodded. "You are!"
"Oh my god! I'm going to have a baby!" Caroline buried her fingers in her hair as an almost panicked look flashed across her features. "Holy shit, I'm going to have a baby! I don't know how to be a mom. What if it's a boy? I don't know what to do with a boy. He'll pee on me and want to play in the dirt. Where are all my pretty clothes going to go when I die? A boy won't want them! Oh my god, I'm going to be a horrible mom! I shouldn't care if it's a boy or a girl. I can't be a mom! Oh my god!" Caroline was crying now, choking her words out in between tears. "It's going to grow up hating me and spend twenty years in therapy with mommy issues, then keep my skeleton in his house after he kills me."
Elena had to work hard to contain her laughter as she watched Caroline breakdown over the sudden realization of what would happen after the baby was born. Her fears were completely unfounded and ridiculous. The belief that she'd have a kid that would go all Norman Bates on her was something only Caroline could come up with and believe. However, she kept the laughter bottled inside because she remembered having those fears too. She had been scared to death when she was pregnant. Sometimes it still felt like it was yesterday that she was in her kitchen in Mystic Falls, crying in Jenna's arms about not knowing how to be a mom.
"Hey, look at me." Elena pressed her fingers beneath Caroline's chin and lifted her face up so she could see her shining blue eyes. "It is perfectly natural to be scared. I was petrified when I was pregnant, and I'll tell you what Aunt Jenna told me. Nobody really knows how to be a mom, but you figure it out as you go. I happen to know that you will do more than just figure it out. You'll be awesome, whether it's a boy or a girl. I've known you for my entire life, and I have no doubt that you will be the best mom I've ever known. Your heart is so big and filled with so much love, that you couldn't be anything less."
Caroline's shoulders shook softly, but her cries had quieted. "You really think that?"
"I know it." She placed her hands on the side of Caroline's head and leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. It had been their thing since they were little kids. It all began when Caroline insisted that no lies could be told when you had no place to look but the other person's eyes, and somehow it had stuck. For every big promise they'd ever made, they did this, and today would be no different. "You are going to be amazing."
Caroline nodded her head and tried to regain some of her composure. "Thank you," she whispered. She leaned back and wiped at the tears on her face. "I don't know where that came from. I'm happy about this, I swear."
"It happened to me too," Elena tried to reassure her. "It took me a while to really be happy, but I was still scared then. It's a scary thing."
"It is," Caroline agreed. "Not that you'd know any of that by talking to Stefan. I should have known what I was getting myself into when I married a literature freak. He's started pulling out all of his favorite books to pick out names. He makes us sit down and add new names to the list every night!"
"But that's cute!"
"He made me put Heathcliff on the list!" she explained. "I can't name my child Heathcliff!"
This time, Elena failed at holding back her laughter, and it came tumbling past her lips. "I can't believe you married a guy that admits he's read Wuthering Heights."
It had always been like pulling teeth to get Damon to talk about books that he'd read and liked. He read plenty, from presidential biographies to classic literature, but he never wanted to talk about it. It probably had something to do with not wanting to tarnish his reputation he'd built for himself, but it was funny. Stefan, however, the literary novice that he was, could go on about one single book for hours. He loved literature and had no qualms about discussing it. This would probably explain how he'd wound up getting his doctorate in comparative literature, while his brother had gone into the family business with little resistance.
The brothers were as different as different could be some days, but they loved each other. No one could ever deny the fact that Damon and Stefan regarded each other in the highest regard. They were staunchly protective of each other, unwilling to allow any harm to come to the other without making an intervention. Though their methods differed, the desired goal was the same: protect each other at all costs.
"I certainly found the most unique fish that there is in the sea," Caroline beamed with joy over her statement. "Even if he does make me scratch my head from time to time."
"Oh, speaking of books." Elena jumped from the couch and ran to grab her purse from where she'd left it by the front door. "I brought you a few." She smiled in giddy excitement as she returned next to Caroline on the couch and pulled a stack of books from her purse. "I figured you might be in need of these." She held them out in front of Caroline, who stared at them wordlessly. "For some reason, I never got rid of them. So, they're yours."
Caroline began shaking her head. "Elena, I can't."
"You can and you will." She placed them onto her lap and left them there. "They've been collecting dust for the past two and a half years. Someone needs to put them to use."
She'd bought the books that fateful day in the bookstore; the day she had the miscarriage scare. It had been the wakeup call about her pregnancy that knocked some of the fear out of her. She'd never forget the feeling she had when she saw her child for the first time on that screen, and how relieved she'd been to know that everything was okay. As it would turn out, nothing was okay and she'd never have the chance to meet her child, but her books could go to someone that would get to do that.
"I don't know what to say."
"Say thank you and accept your damn books. Although, technically one of them is for Stefan, but same difference."
"Why are you giving them to me? You kept them for a reason."
Elena shrugged, unsure of what to say. She didn't even fully understand why she'd kept them for this long. After she lost the baby, she put them in a box to be forgotten about, and she didn't see them until that box showed up in Chicago from Caroline. They stayed in the box for a month before she pulled them out. Maybe it was out of sheer insanity or some need to torture herself, but she pulled them out read them. Then, she bought more pregnancy books to bury herself in. She poured over the sections dedicated to the first trimester, comparing everything to her pregnancy, wondering if there had been a sign that she didn't catch. She was searching for an answer that she knew she'd never get, but she still kept them.
Now that Caroline was pregnant and could use them for something other than self-destruction, she decided it was time to part with them. She didn't know where she would turn on those days when she wanted answers and explanations, but it was time to let go of something.
"I do not need them," she finally said. "And at this rate, I never will. You do. You can enjoy them and see what matches up with your pregnancy, and realizing you're not just imagining things that you think have to do with being pregnant."
"You'll need them one day," Caroline promised with a small smile. "And when that day comes, I will return them to you. Provided you're not forty and they're completely ancient by then."
She snorted in laughter and playfully hit Caroline's shoulder. "Thanks a lot, Mom."
"Yeah, let's try and stay away from that word for a little bit. We don't need anymore panic attacks from me."
"Dually noted."
Elena heard the front door open and she went still at the sound of Stefan's voice. "Hey, babe, I'm home." He dropped his gym bag when he came into the living room, but then halted when he looked up and saw her on the couch, but then he looked to his wife and his face filled with worry. "What's wrong? Have you been crying?"
He looked back to Elena, a cold look on his face, but before he could speak, Caroline quickly jumped in. "I just had a momentary freak out, but that's all over." She bounced over to Stefan, books held out in front of her. "Look what Elena brought me. Well, us I guess, because one of them is for you, but they're mostly for me. Since, you know, I'm the one that's pregnant and all."
"Obviously." Stefan smiled affectionately at her, but then turned uncomfortable eyes to her. "Thanks for the books, Elena."
"It's no problem. Really."
"Okay, well," he motioned awkwardly toward the hallway, "I'm going to go take a shower now."
"But you know how much I like it when you're all sweaty," Caroline whispered seductively, leaning up to place a kiss against his lips. "Everything glistens."
"I know," he acknowledged, "But Damon is going to be here soon, and he'll whine like a five-year-old if I'm sweaty."
"Oh," Caroline retrieved the books from Stefan and nervously shook her head. "Yeah, um, shower. Okay." She watched him retreat to their bedroom and close the door before she turned back to Elena. "I'm sorry about that. He's just—he's," she struggled to find the right words that would convey what she was trying to say or make things sound better than they really were, but Elena didn't need to hear any lies to make her feel like she wasn't such an outcast.
"It's okay, I get it. He's Damon's brother."
"Just give it some time."
Elena nodded, but as Stefan's words sounded again in her head, she knew that she should make herself scarce before Damon got here. After their encounter last night, she was not prepared for another round. She needed a few more days – or months – before she'd be able to emotionally handle another verbal beatdown from him. It had been warranted. He certainly was well within his right to call her every name in the book and yell at her for as long as he physically could. In some way, she even believed the reveal of Caroline's pregnancy. Even though it had been specifically orchestrated to deliver a devastating blow to her, didn't he reserve that right?
She'd struggled with that after she ran from him in tears last night. A part of her felt that she'd never do anything horrible enough to warrant such cruelty and such a desire to inflict so much pain on her. Then there was another part that told her she deserved everything he did to her and more. She wasn't lying when she told him she was a crappy person. She was. Everything he'd told her last night had been true. She was selfish. She was a liar. She didn't deserve anything good. Every last bit of it was true, and she couldn't deny him that chance to rub it all in her face. It hurt like hell and would still continue to hurt, but she deserved it.
"I should probably go," she told Caroline after a few strained moments.
She could see the internal battle going on inside her friend's brain, torn between telling Elena she could stay or acknowledging that it would be best if she left. Unfortunately, Caroline was stuck right in the middle of everything with her and Damon. To an extent Stefan was as well, but since he was Damon's brother, there really wasn't much to be stuck between. Caroline, however, had allegiances to both, and it would appear that she would remain frozen between the two for the foreseeable future.
"I'm sorry," Caroline found herself repeating again, but they both knew the words would solve nothing. "We'll figure something out, okay? Damon is just going to have to suck it up, and act like an adult for once in his life. He's Stefan's brother and you're my best friend. The two of you can't avoid each other forever. He just has to deal."
"He's mad, I get it. I'd hate me too if I were him. If us not being in the same room together is what it takes to make things easier for you, then that's what will happen. You were engaged to Stefan before I ever even met him. We somehow managed that without even trying. This will be fine."
"But it shouldn't have to be like this," Caroline whined. "Everyone just needs to shut up and do what I tell them to."
Elena smiled lightly at the blonde. "The world would certainly be a much better place if we all listened to you." She certainly knew her world would be better. If she'd simply listened to Caroline's advice – hell anyone's – she wouldn't be in this place right now. Nobody would be in this place right now. She'd screwed a lot of things up for a lot of people when she left. It hadn't been quite so clear when she was in Chicago, but it was perfectly clear now. Everyone had to change how they interacted with her and around her. Schedules would have to be carefully planned and poured over to prevent any big disasters. Nothing really got to be easy anymore because of one epically bad decision she made.
"Well, I'll call you tomorrow," Caroline offered. "We can make plans for lunch with Bonnie. I think we could all use a good, old-fashioned girls day."
"That would be perfect." She retrieved her purse and walked to the front door.
"Elena," Caroline called out to her quietly. "Thank you," she looked at the books and gave a flustered shake of her head, "For the books. Just, thank you. It means a lot." She knew there was another message hidden beneath her words, and she felt horrible that it even needed to be there. Caroline was really thanking her for not being upset about the pregnancy. She was just thanking her for being a friend, something she hadn't been in too long.
But, with Damon probably getting closer by the moment, she knew her time was running out and now was not the time for this conversation. So, she settled for, "You're welcome. We'll talk tomorrow."
"Bye, Elena." She waved and watched with a small air of sadness as Elena smiled and exited the penthouse.
Once the door was shut, she heaved a heavy sigh of relief, collapsing against the wall. She allowed herself a few moments to try and release some of the sadness that had begun to grow in her, and finally let a few traitorous tears slip from her eyes. No matter how happy she was for Caroline, and she was ecstatic, there were still other emotions swirling within her. She had known coming home would be a hard task, but falling directly into this was making it physically and mentally exhausting. Knowing Caroline was pregnant brought up several memories better left in the recesses of her mind.
Watching Caroline cry on the couch over her fears of being a mother, now made Elena feel like she hadn't been as abnormal as she believed. Maybe she hadn't been that far off the mark in her fears about being a mother. If Caroline, who had everything together, was having those fears, did that mean that she could have had a shot at being a decent mother too? Those thoughts were definitely ones that would not lead her mind to any good place. If she allowed herself to travel down that path, it wouldn't take her to anything but pain.
She would be dealing with enough of that tonight. She wasn't naïve enough to believe that the conversation with Caroline and the residual effects leftover from her confrontation with Damon would grant her peace tonight. No, she would spend her evening buried in her apartment, trying to pick through the minefield of her brain to make it to the next day without setting off a whole new wave of problems.
Feeling a familiar presence and a heavy gaze on her, she froze and her heart sank to the floor. She didn't need to open her eyes to know she was no longer alone in the hallway. Nor did she need to open them to find out who her companion was.
"This is unexpected." His voice only confirmed what did not need confirming and her exhaustion turned to pure dread.
"Don't worry, I'm leaving." With all the strength she had, she pushed herself from the wall and turned to face him. "You won't have to deal with me."
She could see his eyes taking in the state of her face and she knew how pathetic she must look. Self-conscious, she brushed her hands down her cheeks, trying to erase some of the signs of the mini crying jag she'd just allowed herself to have, that she really shouldn't have.
"I'm guessing it's safe to assume I'm walking toward the firing squad in there," he said accusingly.
Tired, she sighed and shook her head. "For what you did at the party? Maybe, I don't know. For anything else? No, they don't know anything. Your suit will live to see another day."
He seemed shocked at her answer. "You mean you didn't tell her?"
"Tell her what, Damon? The truth? Everything you said last night was true. There was nothing to share."
"Well, yeah but –" he stammered. He looked as if he didn't know what to do with this information. He'd obviously been expecting for her to run and tell Caroline all the things he'd said last night, but she hadn't mentioned a word. She'd put Caroline in the middle enough, and she didn't want to do that anymore. This was between her and Damon.
"But what?" she asked, exasperated by the conversation already. What was he after today? "Did you want me to tell Caroline?"
"Well, no," he got out, still lost for many words, but then he shook his head and sighed. "I don't know what I thought."
"They don't need to know. Caroline and your brother don't need to be involved in this whole thing. So, feel safe in the knowledge that you can say whatever you want without getting the wrath of Caroline."
He scoffed and rolled his eyes, all shock and confusion now gone. "A hissy fit from Caroline does not scare me. If I want to say something to you, I'll say it. I don't care who gets mad."
Tired and ready to go home, she shrugged her shoulders, "Do whatever you want. I'm gonna go home. Have a nice night, Damon."
She tried to pull herself together and pass him on shaky legs, but his arm shot out and caught her before she could make a safe exit. She flinched at the contact, scared for what Damon might have in store for her now. She'd just drained a week's worth of energy with Caroline. She needed time before he started in on her again.
When he noticed that she was tense in his grasp, he dropped her arm like she'd shocked him. Nervous, he shuffled away from her. "Elena, I," she could see the words hanging from the tip of his tongue, ready to fall and light whatever bomb he was aiming for this time, but he couldn't seem to force himself to say anything, no matter how hard he tried.
"I know," she assured him quietly. "I know." She adjusted her purse on her shoulder and strode down the hallway, willing herself to not turn around. If she looked at him again, she'd have so much she wanted to say, so much he didn't want to hear. He didn't want to listen to anything she had to say to him. Her apologies weren't going to mean anything. How sincere she was wouldn't matter. So, she forced her eyes to stay focused straight ahead and to keep moving one foot in front of the other. She'd only ever have one chance to lay it all out on the table for him, and today wasn't going to be that day.