SEVEN
As the sun set over Resurrection Cemetery, the Heretics made their way toward the very back of the property. "Why must we do this again?" one of them asked Zildrohar.
"Brother Bluftoi, we have unlimited capacity with the very worst of Hell for this mission, and these people fit our task like a glove," Zildrohar explained, "They had a personal grievance with our quarry, and in their current state they will be too much of a match for them."
"Will they be in a good mood?" Bluftoi asked, "After all, from what I've heard, they fell a thousand feet to their deaths, and you don't just..."
"Here they are," another Heretic said, pointing to a small, unkempt grave with a swastika engraved on it. Zildrohar lowered his staff to the ground. "I order you in the name of Satan, Lord of All, to rise forth at my command!" he hissed. Moments later, a pale hand rose up from the sod, startling some of the Heretics. With a loud scream, the rest of the Head Nazi emerged from the grave. His five fellow dead associates followed him up to the surface. "Where the Hell am I?" the Head Nazi asked, looked confused.
"No, but you were there," a Heretic chuckled.
"That's enough, Brother Appaloosa," Zildrohar told him sternly. He faced the Head Nazi. "I am an agent of darkness, sworn to uphold the tasks of your idol Adolf Hitler, and I need your assistance in carrying it out. All you need to do for us is destroy the Blues Brothers, and you will be rewarded with new life and a high place in the new culture we will initiate on the planet."
"Consider it a great pleasure," the Head Nazi said sadistically. He turned to his associates. "My friends, do you want to finish what we started so long ago?"
"Yes, my Fuehrer," the other Nazis said. They started to walk toward the cemetery gates. The Head Nazi lingered a little longer. "If you wish to recruit people like ourselves to your cause," he told Zildrohar, "I'd advise going up to Idaho. The spiritual head of our movement, Father William Bedford, should be holding court up there still. He hates non- Aryan Americans, and would love to help wipe out the Blues Brothers. Plus, he could possibly unite all the various Nazi movements if you'd like it."
"We'd like that very much," Zildrohar told him. As the Head Nazi sauntered off with his associates, he asided to the nearest Heretic, "This will be the perfect revenge against the Kingdom of Heaven; a holy man being our ally against his master."
"Now look, I've been following Elwood's music for years," Rocky argued to the others, "I'm the best candidate for his main man."
"We don't even know if you can sing, outlaw!" Mack said firmly, "I've actually had experience as this band's front man, so I should still be it!"
"But I was brought on board specifically to be a major part of this band," Zee argued, "Tell them, Jake!"
"All right, all right," Jake waved his hands, "Tell you guys what. We'll make tonight an open forum. The one who shows himself to be most worthy of being Elwood's main man gets to be it, agreed?"
"Agreed," they all said.
"Democracy is good," Cabel jumped in.
"Yeah, we know, Cab," Elwood told him. He was busy fixing a special harness around Armstrong's head with his free hand. "Here ya go, Armstrong, now ya can play the harmonica and not have to worry about pickin' it back up," he told the dog, putting one of his spare harmonica's in the sling near Armstrong's lips. Armstrong blew a few notes from "Piano Man" in perfect rhythm. "Yeah, you'll do good, Armstrong," Elwood told him.
"Here it is, pull over," Jake pointed to the Crocodile Rock Café on the next corner. The band was already out front, with, surprisingly, a huge pile of instruments in front of them, and....
"RAY!?" Elwood was surprised to see the band's regular music dealer again.
Ray knocked on the Bluesmobile's passenger window. "Pardon me, are you the gentlemen who purchased all the stuff here?" he asked them.
"Yep, it's us Ray, the Blues Brothers," Jake closed his hand and opened it to show at least five hundred dollars. "Here's the payment," he said, handing it to the blind man, "It'll help your retirement in Florida a bit better. But stay and watch the show for once."
Zee chuckled. "Stay and watch the show when he's...well, you know, very nice, Jake," he said. Jake gave him a strange look.
"Wow, a brand-new Armitron keyboard!" Murphy exclaimed, examining one of the instruments in front of them, "I've been wanting to play this for a while!"
"Yeah, and now that they brought all this stuff, there's no way out of this," Willie said forlornly, staring half-heartedly at the new drum set before him.
"Oh lighten up Willie, enjoy this for the memories if nothing else," Matt told him, hefting his new guitar.
"Elwood," came Latifah's voice now. His lawyer popped out of the side entrance with a well-dressed man. "This is Marco, he owns the café," she explained to him.
"So you're the Blues Brothers," Marco said, almost laughing, "I've heard a lot about you guys. I think you're making a big mistake coming here. We usually don't have your type of music in this place."
"What do you mean?" Elwood asked. Then he heard the music inside. "What's that awful sound!?" he exclaimed, putting his hand to his ears.
"It's techno," Katrina spoke for the first time. Jake had also generated a Blues suit for her, the only modification being a skirt and heels in lieu of trousers and shoes. "It's only come about since you've been in prison."
"Well, all I can say is I'd hate to see what the rest of the music industry looks like now," Elwood commented.
"That's why I'm so puzzled why you came here, Elwood," Latifah told him, "This isn't the type of place that takes your music well."
"Sweetheart, this place is essential for us," Jake said. "He turned to the others. "Come on, let's get all this stuff inside and get ready."
About a half hour later, everything was ready to go. Elwood had done a quick analysis of the audience. It was almost entirely teenagers, and well-off teenagers at that, sitting around tables drinking beer or dancing wildly on the floor to the hideous techno beat. Elwood was almost ready to ask Jake to smite the sound systems for him, as he couldn't take much more of it. The flashing multi-colored lights and smoke made the experience all the more hellish.
"Okay guys," Jake announced to the group as a whole, "Here's how it's going to work. After we do the first two songs on the list, Elwood and I will sneak away and find the staff of the Relic. The rest of you keep playing for us. I'll send up a flare at the point we get it that only you can see, and then take a break so that our reappearance will look natural. I'll tell you where our next gig will be once we're done, and we'll go from there."
"Now Jake, we're still going to get paid for this mission from God?" Lou inquired, "I mean, we don't work for free, you know."
"True me Lou, you'll get what you earn," Jake told him. "Everything set then?"
"As far as we can see," Rocky told him.
"Okay then, Topton, you lead off the night," Jake said, "I'll go find a trace on the staff."
He strode off stage to where Latifah, Marco, and Ray were watching hesitantly. "This is going to be good," he told them, "You just wait and see."
"Ready for your big debut, Armstrong?" Elwood asked his dog. Armstrong barked in approval. "Well do your best, 'cause it's gonna be a rough crowd," he told it.
"You know something, Elwood?" Buster asked him.
"What?"
"The thought of doing this again kept me going during the down periods," Buster told him.
"Glad to here it," Elwood smiled. He turned to Rocky. "So, what'll we do first tonight?"
"How about 'Land of a Thousand Dances?'" Rocky suggested.
"Good choice," Elwood said, "Hit it."
"One, two, one, two, three, four!" Rocky shouted, and the band cranked back up to life for the first time in two years. The response was immediate; loud boos from the teenagers greeted the unfamiliar music. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," Elwood said into the microphone over the din, "We're so glad to see so many of you happy people out here tonight at the Crocodile Rock Café. We're the fabulous Blues Brothers show band and review, and we hope you like our show for the night. This is the first gig for several of our new members, so please give a warm welcome to Brother Zee, Katrina, Armstrong the Blues Dog, and my old pal Rocky 'the Mountain.'"
Rocky started into the first chorus of "Land of a Thousand Dances." The teenagers started throwing their beer bottles at the stage, and unlike at the Country Bunker over twenty years ago, there was no protective chicken wire in place here. The band was forced to stop midway through the first refrain from the onslaught. "Nice receptive group of people we've got here, Elwood," Donald said, raising his eyebrows at Elwood, "I wonder why the hell we chose to come here."
"Hey don't ask me Duck, ask Jake," Elwood pointed to his brother, who seemed to be the only person smiling in the building.
"Well if this keeps up, I'm going to kill him a second time," Willie muttered.
"Don't worry, I think I know how to placate them," Mack strode up to the mike. "Give me some backup here, guys," he said the band, and launched into a stirring rendition of "Don't Pour Your Love Out on Me Baby." Only their audience didn't find it so stirring; the beer bottle volume increased.
"Maybe you guys should tone it down and let a real singer handle this," Murphy suggested.
"Oh, and like you'd be able to handle that, Murph," Mr. Fabulous snorted.
"Watch and learn, Al," Murphy started on a keyboard solo. "It's nine o'clock on a Saturday," he crooned, "the regular crowd settles in. They've....."
A chair hit him right between the eyes. "Thank you for tuning in," he said dazedly into the mike, "You're listening to WWWW 104.4 Chicago, and we've got a great new record for you now entitled, 'Go Knock Yourself Out.'" He then keeled backwards off his stool, out cold.
"Uh, anybody else here know how to play a keyboard?" Elwood asked quickly.
"I've had some experience, but it was with a regular piano," Zee said.
"Cover for Murph, then," Jake said, striding out on stage, "Elwood, come with me. I've found it."
"Where is it?"
"We'll have to do a little digging, but we should have it in about ten minutes," Jake took his brother's hand and led him off stage as Zee rushed over to the keyboard. "So, anyone else got another brilliant idea?" he asked them, "Because if you don't, I was thinking something along the lines of 'Funky Town.'"
"You guys are the worst group to come in here in years!" Marco complained to Jake and Elwood as they rushed toward the wings.
"Ah, just shut up and enjoy the show!" Jake did the Force-wave to Marco, who turned complacently back to the stage.
"Hey, you guys really have them in it," Ray commented to Jake, "I can here them eating you up out there."
"Yeah, let's just hope they don't do it literally," Jake told him.
"So what'd ya mean by digging?" Elwood asked his brother.
"It's underground, Elwood, right about....here," Jake pointed to a specific spot in the floor. "Stand back," he said, lowering his sunglasses. Power beams shot out of his eyes and blew a huge hole in the floor. Jake led Elwood into it. "Hold on tight," he said, and started spinning around so fast that he began burrowing into the ground. After about thirty feet, they landed with a thud on the floor of a large cavern. "So this is all under here?" Elwood was impressed.
"Hard to believe, huh?" Jake said. He pointed to his right. "It's about fifty feet down the tunnel that way."
"Good, let's get it then," Elwood started in that direction.
"Hold it," Jake grabbed him suddenly, "Satan's followers would have made sure the relic's piece's were secure." He lowered his sunglasses again. This time his eyes did an infrared scan of the area ahead of them, reveal what appeared to be a tripwire right where Elwood had been about to step. "Stand clear," Jake told him, and gave the tripwire a tug. There was a low rumbling noise, and something big and sharp slammed into the far wall. Elwood winced at the thought of what might have happened to him.
"You see Elwood," Jake said, pointing at the object, which was a large spiked steel ball, "We've got to be careful here. This one'll probably be only lightly defended, but further on down the line with other pieces of the relic, we're going to run into some areas with heavier defenses."
"Then why am I here in the first place?" Elwood had to ask, "You got the first part all by yourself."
"Since that was already in holy hands, you weren't needed, but for all further pieces of the Relic, you will need to be necessary as Solomon Delaney's descendant," Jake told him, "Don't ask me why, but that's how it goes."
The two of them made their way cautiously down the hall, Jake scanning for further booby traps. Fortunately, they came across none. At the end of the cavern was a large door cut into the rock with a strange insignia on it. Jake stuck his hand in the center of a small opening in it and turned the cavity ever so slightly to the right. A clicking sound was heard, and the door slowly opened. "Behold, the staff of the St. Francis de Sales Relic," Jake said as the door swung open, revealing a grotto empty except for a shrine at the far end. A dazzling beam of light shone down on the object resting on top of it. Jake scanned the room. "All clear," he told Elwood, "Let's get a move-on."
They hustled over to the shrine. Elwood could feel the presence of God as he stared at the staff, which was beautifully carved with scenes from the Old Testament that he knew well from Mother Stigmata's sermons as a kid. "This'll look good on the Relic once we get it all linked up," he said, reaching for it.
"Step away from the staff now, slime," came the voices of the brother's least favorite people in the world: the Nazis.
As the sun set over Resurrection Cemetery, the Heretics made their way toward the very back of the property. "Why must we do this again?" one of them asked Zildrohar.
"Brother Bluftoi, we have unlimited capacity with the very worst of Hell for this mission, and these people fit our task like a glove," Zildrohar explained, "They had a personal grievance with our quarry, and in their current state they will be too much of a match for them."
"Will they be in a good mood?" Bluftoi asked, "After all, from what I've heard, they fell a thousand feet to their deaths, and you don't just..."
"Here they are," another Heretic said, pointing to a small, unkempt grave with a swastika engraved on it. Zildrohar lowered his staff to the ground. "I order you in the name of Satan, Lord of All, to rise forth at my command!" he hissed. Moments later, a pale hand rose up from the sod, startling some of the Heretics. With a loud scream, the rest of the Head Nazi emerged from the grave. His five fellow dead associates followed him up to the surface. "Where the Hell am I?" the Head Nazi asked, looked confused.
"No, but you were there," a Heretic chuckled.
"That's enough, Brother Appaloosa," Zildrohar told him sternly. He faced the Head Nazi. "I am an agent of darkness, sworn to uphold the tasks of your idol Adolf Hitler, and I need your assistance in carrying it out. All you need to do for us is destroy the Blues Brothers, and you will be rewarded with new life and a high place in the new culture we will initiate on the planet."
"Consider it a great pleasure," the Head Nazi said sadistically. He turned to his associates. "My friends, do you want to finish what we started so long ago?"
"Yes, my Fuehrer," the other Nazis said. They started to walk toward the cemetery gates. The Head Nazi lingered a little longer. "If you wish to recruit people like ourselves to your cause," he told Zildrohar, "I'd advise going up to Idaho. The spiritual head of our movement, Father William Bedford, should be holding court up there still. He hates non- Aryan Americans, and would love to help wipe out the Blues Brothers. Plus, he could possibly unite all the various Nazi movements if you'd like it."
"We'd like that very much," Zildrohar told him. As the Head Nazi sauntered off with his associates, he asided to the nearest Heretic, "This will be the perfect revenge against the Kingdom of Heaven; a holy man being our ally against his master."
"Now look, I've been following Elwood's music for years," Rocky argued to the others, "I'm the best candidate for his main man."
"We don't even know if you can sing, outlaw!" Mack said firmly, "I've actually had experience as this band's front man, so I should still be it!"
"But I was brought on board specifically to be a major part of this band," Zee argued, "Tell them, Jake!"
"All right, all right," Jake waved his hands, "Tell you guys what. We'll make tonight an open forum. The one who shows himself to be most worthy of being Elwood's main man gets to be it, agreed?"
"Agreed," they all said.
"Democracy is good," Cabel jumped in.
"Yeah, we know, Cab," Elwood told him. He was busy fixing a special harness around Armstrong's head with his free hand. "Here ya go, Armstrong, now ya can play the harmonica and not have to worry about pickin' it back up," he told the dog, putting one of his spare harmonica's in the sling near Armstrong's lips. Armstrong blew a few notes from "Piano Man" in perfect rhythm. "Yeah, you'll do good, Armstrong," Elwood told him.
"Here it is, pull over," Jake pointed to the Crocodile Rock Café on the next corner. The band was already out front, with, surprisingly, a huge pile of instruments in front of them, and....
"RAY!?" Elwood was surprised to see the band's regular music dealer again.
Ray knocked on the Bluesmobile's passenger window. "Pardon me, are you the gentlemen who purchased all the stuff here?" he asked them.
"Yep, it's us Ray, the Blues Brothers," Jake closed his hand and opened it to show at least five hundred dollars. "Here's the payment," he said, handing it to the blind man, "It'll help your retirement in Florida a bit better. But stay and watch the show for once."
Zee chuckled. "Stay and watch the show when he's...well, you know, very nice, Jake," he said. Jake gave him a strange look.
"Wow, a brand-new Armitron keyboard!" Murphy exclaimed, examining one of the instruments in front of them, "I've been wanting to play this for a while!"
"Yeah, and now that they brought all this stuff, there's no way out of this," Willie said forlornly, staring half-heartedly at the new drum set before him.
"Oh lighten up Willie, enjoy this for the memories if nothing else," Matt told him, hefting his new guitar.
"Elwood," came Latifah's voice now. His lawyer popped out of the side entrance with a well-dressed man. "This is Marco, he owns the café," she explained to him.
"So you're the Blues Brothers," Marco said, almost laughing, "I've heard a lot about you guys. I think you're making a big mistake coming here. We usually don't have your type of music in this place."
"What do you mean?" Elwood asked. Then he heard the music inside. "What's that awful sound!?" he exclaimed, putting his hand to his ears.
"It's techno," Katrina spoke for the first time. Jake had also generated a Blues suit for her, the only modification being a skirt and heels in lieu of trousers and shoes. "It's only come about since you've been in prison."
"Well, all I can say is I'd hate to see what the rest of the music industry looks like now," Elwood commented.
"That's why I'm so puzzled why you came here, Elwood," Latifah told him, "This isn't the type of place that takes your music well."
"Sweetheart, this place is essential for us," Jake said. "He turned to the others. "Come on, let's get all this stuff inside and get ready."
About a half hour later, everything was ready to go. Elwood had done a quick analysis of the audience. It was almost entirely teenagers, and well-off teenagers at that, sitting around tables drinking beer or dancing wildly on the floor to the hideous techno beat. Elwood was almost ready to ask Jake to smite the sound systems for him, as he couldn't take much more of it. The flashing multi-colored lights and smoke made the experience all the more hellish.
"Okay guys," Jake announced to the group as a whole, "Here's how it's going to work. After we do the first two songs on the list, Elwood and I will sneak away and find the staff of the Relic. The rest of you keep playing for us. I'll send up a flare at the point we get it that only you can see, and then take a break so that our reappearance will look natural. I'll tell you where our next gig will be once we're done, and we'll go from there."
"Now Jake, we're still going to get paid for this mission from God?" Lou inquired, "I mean, we don't work for free, you know."
"True me Lou, you'll get what you earn," Jake told him. "Everything set then?"
"As far as we can see," Rocky told him.
"Okay then, Topton, you lead off the night," Jake said, "I'll go find a trace on the staff."
He strode off stage to where Latifah, Marco, and Ray were watching hesitantly. "This is going to be good," he told them, "You just wait and see."
"Ready for your big debut, Armstrong?" Elwood asked his dog. Armstrong barked in approval. "Well do your best, 'cause it's gonna be a rough crowd," he told it.
"You know something, Elwood?" Buster asked him.
"What?"
"The thought of doing this again kept me going during the down periods," Buster told him.
"Glad to here it," Elwood smiled. He turned to Rocky. "So, what'll we do first tonight?"
"How about 'Land of a Thousand Dances?'" Rocky suggested.
"Good choice," Elwood said, "Hit it."
"One, two, one, two, three, four!" Rocky shouted, and the band cranked back up to life for the first time in two years. The response was immediate; loud boos from the teenagers greeted the unfamiliar music. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen," Elwood said into the microphone over the din, "We're so glad to see so many of you happy people out here tonight at the Crocodile Rock Café. We're the fabulous Blues Brothers show band and review, and we hope you like our show for the night. This is the first gig for several of our new members, so please give a warm welcome to Brother Zee, Katrina, Armstrong the Blues Dog, and my old pal Rocky 'the Mountain.'"
Rocky started into the first chorus of "Land of a Thousand Dances." The teenagers started throwing their beer bottles at the stage, and unlike at the Country Bunker over twenty years ago, there was no protective chicken wire in place here. The band was forced to stop midway through the first refrain from the onslaught. "Nice receptive group of people we've got here, Elwood," Donald said, raising his eyebrows at Elwood, "I wonder why the hell we chose to come here."
"Hey don't ask me Duck, ask Jake," Elwood pointed to his brother, who seemed to be the only person smiling in the building.
"Well if this keeps up, I'm going to kill him a second time," Willie muttered.
"Don't worry, I think I know how to placate them," Mack strode up to the mike. "Give me some backup here, guys," he said the band, and launched into a stirring rendition of "Don't Pour Your Love Out on Me Baby." Only their audience didn't find it so stirring; the beer bottle volume increased.
"Maybe you guys should tone it down and let a real singer handle this," Murphy suggested.
"Oh, and like you'd be able to handle that, Murph," Mr. Fabulous snorted.
"Watch and learn, Al," Murphy started on a keyboard solo. "It's nine o'clock on a Saturday," he crooned, "the regular crowd settles in. They've....."
A chair hit him right between the eyes. "Thank you for tuning in," he said dazedly into the mike, "You're listening to WWWW 104.4 Chicago, and we've got a great new record for you now entitled, 'Go Knock Yourself Out.'" He then keeled backwards off his stool, out cold.
"Uh, anybody else here know how to play a keyboard?" Elwood asked quickly.
"I've had some experience, but it was with a regular piano," Zee said.
"Cover for Murph, then," Jake said, striding out on stage, "Elwood, come with me. I've found it."
"Where is it?"
"We'll have to do a little digging, but we should have it in about ten minutes," Jake took his brother's hand and led him off stage as Zee rushed over to the keyboard. "So, anyone else got another brilliant idea?" he asked them, "Because if you don't, I was thinking something along the lines of 'Funky Town.'"
"You guys are the worst group to come in here in years!" Marco complained to Jake and Elwood as they rushed toward the wings.
"Ah, just shut up and enjoy the show!" Jake did the Force-wave to Marco, who turned complacently back to the stage.
"Hey, you guys really have them in it," Ray commented to Jake, "I can here them eating you up out there."
"Yeah, let's just hope they don't do it literally," Jake told him.
"So what'd ya mean by digging?" Elwood asked his brother.
"It's underground, Elwood, right about....here," Jake pointed to a specific spot in the floor. "Stand back," he said, lowering his sunglasses. Power beams shot out of his eyes and blew a huge hole in the floor. Jake led Elwood into it. "Hold on tight," he said, and started spinning around so fast that he began burrowing into the ground. After about thirty feet, they landed with a thud on the floor of a large cavern. "So this is all under here?" Elwood was impressed.
"Hard to believe, huh?" Jake said. He pointed to his right. "It's about fifty feet down the tunnel that way."
"Good, let's get it then," Elwood started in that direction.
"Hold it," Jake grabbed him suddenly, "Satan's followers would have made sure the relic's piece's were secure." He lowered his sunglasses again. This time his eyes did an infrared scan of the area ahead of them, reveal what appeared to be a tripwire right where Elwood had been about to step. "Stand clear," Jake told him, and gave the tripwire a tug. There was a low rumbling noise, and something big and sharp slammed into the far wall. Elwood winced at the thought of what might have happened to him.
"You see Elwood," Jake said, pointing at the object, which was a large spiked steel ball, "We've got to be careful here. This one'll probably be only lightly defended, but further on down the line with other pieces of the relic, we're going to run into some areas with heavier defenses."
"Then why am I here in the first place?" Elwood had to ask, "You got the first part all by yourself."
"Since that was already in holy hands, you weren't needed, but for all further pieces of the Relic, you will need to be necessary as Solomon Delaney's descendant," Jake told him, "Don't ask me why, but that's how it goes."
The two of them made their way cautiously down the hall, Jake scanning for further booby traps. Fortunately, they came across none. At the end of the cavern was a large door cut into the rock with a strange insignia on it. Jake stuck his hand in the center of a small opening in it and turned the cavity ever so slightly to the right. A clicking sound was heard, and the door slowly opened. "Behold, the staff of the St. Francis de Sales Relic," Jake said as the door swung open, revealing a grotto empty except for a shrine at the far end. A dazzling beam of light shone down on the object resting on top of it. Jake scanned the room. "All clear," he told Elwood, "Let's get a move-on."
They hustled over to the shrine. Elwood could feel the presence of God as he stared at the staff, which was beautifully carved with scenes from the Old Testament that he knew well from Mother Stigmata's sermons as a kid. "This'll look good on the Relic once we get it all linked up," he said, reaching for it.
"Step away from the staff now, slime," came the voices of the brother's least favorite people in the world: the Nazis.