Author's Note: I don't know if there's any way I can start this note without mentioning Whitney Houston. We have truly lost one of the most powerful voices in music history. She's given us some of the best music of our time. It's a sad day for the music industry today. So, I won't say much in this note, other than a big thank you to everyone who helped me get this chapter out. It was truly a team effort this time. Thank you to Anna and Lauren for their hard work. I hope you all enjoy the chapter!
Chapter 28
He don't say much when there ain't much to say
She waits for his response
She waits all day
Elena sat at her gate, anxiously awaiting the announcement that she could board the plane. They should be calling any moment, which meant she would be that much closer to Nashville. When she took off, Damon would still be unmarried, but when she landed, he'd be someone's husband. He'd be Andie's husband. It hurt to think that this was how it all ended. Even when he'd told her there was no hope, somehow it remained. She'd have moments of weakness, but the hope never fully died, not until now. He'd never be hers again.
With a loud sigh, someone dropped into the seat next to Elena, letting their bag fall unceremoniously onto the ground. "I don't know about you, but I'm going to need a drink on this flight."
At the sound of the familiar voice, Elena's head spun to the side, her eyes wide and full of disbelief. "Bonnie?" she squeaked out.
Her best friend simply smiled and tilted her head to the side. "You didn't really think I'd let you run off by yourself, did you?"
"What are you – how are you?" Elena sputtered, at a loss for words. She'd disappeared without any clue as to where she'd be going, but somehow Bonnie was next to her, bag packed and ready to go. "How did you find me?" she finally managed to question.
"A little birdie may have told me that you'd pulled a Houdini. So, I may have let myself into your apartment to find a credit card statement and then hack into your account. You really should change your password for your important things, by the way. It's been the same since you were fourteen."
While a part of Elena told her that she should be mad and offended that her friend had gone behind her back to track her down when she hadn't wanted to be found, there was another part, the biggest part, that was filled with so much joy at the sight of her friend. All she could do was throw her arms around her and cry. "I can't believe you did that for me."
Bonnie's arms came around her in a tight embrace. "What else would I do? I couldn't let my best friend go off on her own with a broken heart. Us girls have to stick together."
"Thank you," she cried.
"I wouldn't have it any other way." When Elena pulled away and wiped at her eyes, Bonnie leaned back into her seat and asked, "So, what's in Nashville, and why are we going?"
Nervous, Elena pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and sighed. What would Bonnie think of her decision to go to Nashville to see Matt? Would she understand? Would she try to talk her out of it? She didn't know, but Bonnie was here and she couldn't exactly keep her in the dark. She'd find out soon enough. "Matt," she revealed, "Matt is in Nashville."
Bonnie's eyes widened and she sucked in a surprised breath. "Yeah, definitely gonna need that drink."
"A little to the right," Caroline instructed Bonnie and Elena. "No, my right!" she quickly exclaimed when they moved the wrong way. "Just a little more, a little more, a little – okay, just a little to the left."
Elena grunted and shot Bonnie an annoyed look before declaring, "Caroline, if you make us move this another inch, we're not helping with anything else."
"Just one teeny tiny little step to the left." Elena and Bonnie simultaneously rolled their eyes, but complied, shuffling no more than an inch to the left before they set the dresser on the floor and stepped away.
"The end, we're done." Elena wiped her hands on her jeans and heaved out a loud sigh. "Isn't this why you get married before you have a baby? So you have the husband and his friends to move this crap?"
Caroline averted her eyes and walked over to the brand new crib and began to smooth out the comforter hanging over the side. "Stefan may have threatened to send back all the furniture if I asked him to move anything else," she mumbled with her back turned on her two friends.
Elena met Bonnie's gaze and they both rolled their eyes in a way that could only be considered as loving. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."
Caroline had coerced the two women over to her house today to look at the newly decorated nursery. What she had failed to mention when she asked them to come over, was that manual labor had been required. They had spent the last hour rearranging the furniture, only for it to end up in relatively the same place it had been before. If there was one thing that pregnancy hadn't changed for Caroline it was her obsessive, Type-A personality disorder.
As Elena stood back and admired the nursery now, she had to admit that Caroline's obsession had paid off. While some may have expected Caroline to go over the top, she had created a classically beautiful nursery. Of course, everything was custom made and designed by her, but in an understated way that only wealthy people could truly pull off.
The walls were an icy blue that brightened the spacious room. The furniture was all a deep espresso with an antique finish to give the pieces a vintage feel. It was the bedding that made the room, though. Caroline had personally designed it herself. It was light blue with a nature theme of a forest that could only exist in nursery rhymes. The nursery was simply perfect, and completely Caroline.
"So, what do you think?" Caroline asked nervously, turning to look at her friends.
"I think it's great." Bonnie smiled widely as her eyes took in the entire room again. "You did great, Caroline."
"At the rate you're going, you're not going to need a baby shower," Elena joked. "You may just save Bonnie and me the trouble."
"Yeah right," Caroline snorted. "You don't seriously think I'd ever give up the chance to have people tell me I'm a gorgeous pregnant woman and fawn all over me for an entire afternoon, while also giving me gifts?"
"Oh, heaven forbid," Elena gasped.
Suddenly, Caroline's eyes widened and her head snapped down to look at her stomach. "Oh!" She gasped and expanded her hands over her stomach that had gone from a small bump to a full on beach ball seemingly overnight. "Oh my goodness."
"What is it?" Elena asked in slight panic. Memories from the night of her miscarriage inevitably flashed through her mind as she rushed forward. Fear took a strong hold of her heart, unsure of what was happening or what she could do. What was wrong?
Caroline looked up, a blissful smile on her face. "He's kicking." She held a hand out toward Bonnie and Elena. "Here, come feel." She first grabbed Elena's hand, then Bonnie's, and placed them both over her stomach.
The women were still for several moments, waiting for the promised kick. Finally, Bonnie sighed and looked at Caroline. "I think he's asleep."
"Just give it a minute," Caroline insisted.
Sure enough, a few seconds later, Elena felt a small but distinguishable push against her hand. "Oh my!" she breathed in awe.
Bonnie ripped her hand away, a fearful expression on her face. "That's just weird. I don't like that." She shook her head and stepped away. "There is something very wrong with that."
"There is nothing wrong with it," Caroline snapped indignantly, lovingly caressing her stomach, as if to assure her unborn child that Bonnie was crazy. "Just because he's not really here for us to hold, it doesn't mean he's not here. He just wants us to know he's in there."
"Well, I know he's there, but I don't need to feel it."
Elena felt another push at her palm, and she giggled softly. "I think you've offended him," she told Bonnie before looking up at Caroline in amazement. "That's just, wow."
"You think that's cool? You should see this. Follow me." She led the girls into the living room, where she lowered herself onto the couch, pulled her legs up in front of her, and then lifted her shirt to expose her stomach.
"Woah! If this is a strip tease, I'm going to pass. I've seen you naked enough times in my life." Bonnie covered her eyes and looked away.
"Get your mind out of the gutter," Caroline chastised her friend. "It's just my stomach. Oh, there it is!" Elena sat down next to Caroline, eyes wide and focused on Caroline, but what for, she didn't know. Suddenly, Caroline pointed to a spot on her stomach and instructed, "Watch!" Sure enough, moments later, she could see a protrusion in Caroline's stomach, as if she'd been poked.
"What was that?"
"He's kicking!" Caroline said, an elated smile on her face. "You're seeing his foot."
"That's him?"
Caroline nodded her head, but then grimaced. "Yup, and he's more powerful than you'd think." She looked down at her stomach and said, "That's my bladder you're playing soccer with."
Elena stared at Caroline's contorting stomach in wonder. Every few moments, a spot would quickly poke out, and then return to normal. It was utterly fascinating and gut wrenching at the same time. Instead of the feeling of life moving in Elena's belly, she felt fierce jealousy burning hotly. She'd take the somersaults on her bladder and the growing discomfort that Caroline had, just to feel one kick inside of her. She was supposed to know what this felt like. She was supposed to be able to regale Caroline with stories of her own pregnancy, while having her own child in her arms. Instead, all she had was a ruined dress that was left behind in a cold hospital room, and a devastating memory of what had never been. In the words of Damon, it fucking sucks.
So, because of that, along with the jealousy that fiercely swirled in her gut, she also felt like the crappiest person on the planet. Caroline was her best friend and going through the biggest experience of her life, and instead of feeling nothing but happy, she was mad and green with envy. What kind of friend did that make her? Caroline didn't deserve her jealousy. All she deserved was support and love. Elena tried to give her that, boy did she try, but sometimes it was so hard that it hurt. Some days she didn't know if she'd be able to muster another smile as Caroline rambled on about cravings and finding clothes to fit her stomach that wouldn't stop expanding. Some days she just wanted to tell Caroline she was too busy to go with her to spend two hours looking at baby clothes, but she showed every time and she plastered that smile to her aching face. She didn't know how, but she did it. Then, she went home and cried. Sometimes she went to the bar and had a few drinks to dull the pain, anything to get her through the next day, to do it all over again, and feel even worse about herself, because she shouldn't have to do that. She should just be happy for her. Why couldn't it be that simple?
"You look like you have an alien inside of you." Bonnie grimaced and dropped onto the couch next to Caroline. "It's creeping me out."
"You are so touchy about pregnant stomachs," Caroline giggled. "You're so grossed out by them."
"They're creepy!" Bonnie whined. "There's a human inside of you. That's not normal!"
"Ha! You think that's not normal, try having sex while being this pregnant. You don't know creeped out until you're having sex with your husband, all hot and in the mood, then suddenly, this thing starts moving inside of me, and I can't tell him, hey, stop kicking me, because we're the ones totally invading the place he calls home and rocking the house!"
Bonnie and Elena both sat in stunned silence for a few moments, caught off guard by the sudden change in the conversation. How had they gone from feeling Caroline's stomach to discussing her sex life?
"I'm sorry, when did we become the friends that talked about messed up pregnancy sex?" Bonnie found the courage to lob the question that Elena didn't quite know how to form.
"Um, around the time this baby signed a lease on my uterus for nine months. You're my friends. You have to listen to this. I've listened to all of your awkward sex stories over the years. You can listen to me vent about the fact that what was once super hot and fun sex with my drop dead gorgeous husband is now awkward and uncomfortable because I have a person living inside of me. He doesn't even pay rent, either."
"At least Stefan still thinks you're hot," Elena said encouragingly. If there was one thing she'd noticed through Caroline's pregnancy, it was that her expanding waistline had not turned Stefan off in the slightest. He was all over her just as much as he had been before she got pregnant.
"I don't even know how," Caroline scoffed. "I have this basketball glued to the front of me. I'm a cute pregnant girl, I know that, but that doesn't really translate to sexy when I'm naked. My boobs are huge, and not the sexy kind of huge either. Even if they were, I don't want him to touch them. It feels weird. And don't even get me started on the disgusting things I put in my body with these cravings. How he can see me as sexy after he's seen me dipping potato chips in honey barbecue sauce is beyond me."
"Where do you get these cravings?" Bonnie wondered incredulously. "How does that thought even cross your mind to pair those things up?"
"Because it's good. Duh! And don't knock it until you go through this whole process of growing a person inside of you." She waved her hand dismissively through the air, and Elena could practically see the gears shifting in her head. "Enough about my sex life," she grinned deviously and her eyes slid over to Bonnie, "Let's talk about yours."
Bonnie smiled and cocked her head to the side. "Let's not."
Bonnie was officially in the early stages of a relationship with Owen, a man she'd met in a coffee shop a few months ago. Elena didn't know much about him, and had only met him twice, but he seemed nice enough. Bonnie seemed happy too, which was what really mattered. As the most private of the three girls, though, she kept most of the details to herself, and it only served to drive Caroline up the wall. The blonde had never found a detail in her life that she hadn't wanted to share, and she believed that everyone else should be the same. Needless to say, Bonnie would never be that girl.
"You have to give me something!" Caroline whined. "I barely know anything about him, and you're calling him your boyfriend. Don't make me invoke the girl code."
"There's not much to share," Bonnie tried to explain. "We've only been together for two months, and unlike you, I'm not ready to go pick out my china pattern. Things are moving slow and it's nice. That's all there is to it."
"Have you slept with him?" Caroline prodded.
Annoyed, Bonnie rolled her eyes, but answered, "Yes, I have, and that's as much as you're getting."
"Fine," Caroline conceded. "I will leave it at that." She turned her blue eyes to Elena now, and she knew it was her turn in the hot seat now. "I have someone I want to set you up with." When Elena opened her mouth to quickly protest, Caroline threw up her hands and plowed forward. "Before you say no, just hear me out. He's really nice and he's 26. He just got out of a long-term relationship, so he's not looking for anything serious. I think he could be good for you right now. You need something simple and easy. He can give you that."
"I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend that is practically living with the first girl he ever loved. I think dating is the last thing I need in my life." The women never discussed the topic of Damon very often, but it was common knowledge that she still loved Damon. She'd thought it had also been common knowledge that dating was something she didn't need to do. She was like the black widow of girlfriends. "In fact, I think it would be pretty cruel of you to set me up with a decent guy. I'm a one-woman demolition machine that destroys the man in my path in one fell swoop."
"You're being dramatic," Caroline complained. "You don't have the best track record with relationships, but it's not that horrible."
"Best?" Elena snorted. "My track record is like Jennifer Lopez's at this point. Any man in my orbit gets the life sucked out of him while with me."
"As far as I remember, nothing horrific happened during your relationship with Tyler. In fact, he'd probably list you at the top of the list of his exes. Matt, he was your first adult relationship, and you were scared to let that go. You made some mistakes, but they weren't life altering, and as far as I know, he recovered just fine. Last I heard, he moved down to Nashville and is engaged to a girl from down there. I doubt he harbors any ill will towards you anymore. And Damon, well, he's Damon, so we really can't use any scale to measure things with him. There were extenuating circumstances that led to your behavior, but you're not that girl anymore. You keep saying you've grown and you want to get your life back to normal. Maybe getting back out there again is how you do that."
While Elena appreciated what Caroline was trying to do, she just didn't know if she could buy what her friend was selling. Even if she chalked Tyler and Matt up to childish behavior, she couldn't deny what had happened with Damon. She'd made monumental mistakes with him and done insurmountable damage. She was still in love with him too. She simply didn't need to date anyone right now, let alone a guy that was fresh out of a serious relationship and probably fragile enough as it was, without her coming in and blowing his house of cards down.
"I hear what you're saying, but I don't think it would be wise of me to date anyone right now. How can I think of starting another relationship when I'm still so consumed with my relationship with Damon?"
"I'm not saying you have to marry the guy, but it could be a step in the right direction. How can you start to move on if you don't put yourself out there? It's one date, not a promise of forever. And I'm sorry, but Damon isn't really sitting around hoping for a reunion with you, so why spend your nights torturing yourself with what you still feel for him, when you can go out and have a little fun?"
"Nice, Caroline," Elena bit out. "Real nice."
The blonde sighed and looked at Elena apologetically. "I didn't mean it like that, but I have a point. You said so yourself, Elena, he's with Andie. So, there's nothing wrong with you maybe trying to find someone for yourself. It's not like you're stringing him along. You're single and allowed to date."
"You're missing my point, Caroline," Elena said, now growing frustrated with the conversation. "It's not Damon that makes it wrong for me to date. It's my feelings for him that make it wrong. It's not fair to another guy."
"You're not being fair to yourself," Caroline argued, but then blew out an aggravated breath while rolling her eyes. "But obviously you're not going to listen to me. So, I'll just drop this. It's your life. Do whatever you want. It's not like I'm the one that has a happy marriage and a baby on the way. It's not like I could have any idea what I'm talking about when I talk about relationships. I'm just stupid Caroline."
"Now you're just being hormonal and trying to guilt me into doing what you want me to do," Elena groaned. "I'm single, Caroline, and I need to be single. Just let it rest."
"Fine, whatever."
The front door opened and closed, causing all three women to turn toward the entryway to see Stefan appear a moment later. His eyes widened fractionally at finding company in his living room. "Hello." He smiled warmly and set his briefcase on a table before walking behind the couch and leaning down to place a kiss on the top of Caroline's head. When he lifted his head, he eyed the trio suspiciously. "I feel like I've interrupted something?"
"Just your wife trying to pawn innocent men off on me," Elena murmured. Things with Stefan were still horribly awkward, to say the least, but she couldn't keep the comment from slipping off her tongue. Besides, if anyone would see her side of how horrible she was for the male population, Stefan would. She had broken his brother's heart, after all.
"I think that's a conversation I should stay out of."
"I think that's probably wise," Bonnie agreed.
"Doesn't matter, not like anyone would listen to me anyway," Caroline griped.
Stefan nodded and warmly ran his hand over Caroline's head. "Definitely staying out of this conversation. I'm going to go start dinner." He began slowly backing away, almost as if he was afraid one of the women might pounce on him and forbid him to leave the room. "Either of you staying?"
"Not me," Bonnie quickly said. "I have plans tonight."
Stefan's eyes shifted to her, and she could see the underlying hope that she would also have plans. He could be cordial in groups or for a small amount of time, but she knew he didn't want to spend an evening with just her and Caroline. She graciously put him out of his misery. "I'm not staying either. I have some work to do." It was a total lie. She didn't have any work to do. Well, not in the sense that she had something due, there was always work to be done, but she didn't much feel like hanging out with the blissed out married couple for the next two hours. Listening to them gush over the baby would be a little too much to handle right now. She need a few hours that were pregnancy free.
"Okay, well, night ladies." Stefan turned and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the women to their own devices on the couch.
"I really should probably go. I need to get home and get ready."
"Hot date?" Caroline smirked.
Bonnie smiled coyly. "Something like that."
When Bonnie rose to her feet, Elena stood as well. "I'll head out with you. I should get home too."
"You're just avoiding me," Caroline said.
Elena gasped, feigning shock. "I would never."
"Whatever, you'll have to go on a date at some point. Unless you're planning on running off to join a convent, you'll have to move on."
"Goodbye, Caroline," Elena said pointedly. "I'll talk to you tomorrow." Elena and Bonnie waved to Caroline as they gathered their things and fled the penthouse. Once in the hallway, Elena looked at Bonnie and said, "Where did all of that come from?"
Bonnie snickered. "The alien life form growing inside of her? Pregnancy has made that girl more sensitive than usual." The elevator doors slid open and the girls stepped inside. "Seeing as you totally lied to Stefan and Caroline about needing to work, want to come back to my place and help me get ready for my date?" At Elena's indignant look, Bonnie said, "You're kind of a crappy liar, at least to someone who has known you for over twenty years."
"I'll come over on the sole basis that you promise not to pull what Caroline just did."
Bonnie held up her hands in surrender. "Trust me, I'm not going to encourage you to get back into the dating field if you don't think you're ready. I tend to leave it to Caroline to push you into things."
"You tend to sit back and watch everything, and then give your opinion two days later, after you've thought everything over, maybe throw in a judgmental comment or two."
"I'm judgmental? Shut up!" Bonnie exclaimed, but quickly conceded. "So, I may say a few things that come off as slightly judgmental from time to time."
Bonnie was a strong-minded girl. She always had been. She had a strict code of ethics, and when people didn't fall in line with it, her words were not always the kindest. To some, it would make them angry, but Elena knew her friend meant no harm. She simply had her beliefs and struggled with reconciling those with conflicting ones. She never allowed herself to be torn about anything. If she thought for even a moment that something wasn't right, she stopped doing it. Caroline and Elena tended to not follow her way of thinking, but their friendship survived. While Bonnie's words might sound judgmental, they really weren't. She only ever stated her beliefs. She maybe got frustrated when Elena did stupid things, but she'd never turned her back on her yet. That counted for something.
"You know what you believe and you don't let anyone make you doubt that," Elena said quietly. "I wish I could do that sometimes."
"It's not who you are. You and Caroline have always been more emotional than me. I don't let myself think with my heart, you do."
"Well, maybe I should try that. This whole heart thing hasn't gotten me very far."
"It got you further than you think. You had a good few years with Matt, and you had something good with Damon. Yeah, it's brought you some pain, but it's brought you some pretty good things too."
"Doesn't feel that way right now."
Now on the sidewalk outside of Caroline's building, Bonnie looped her arm through Elena's and guided them toward her apartment. "I know, but it won't be this way forever. Caroline is right that you have to get back out there, but it doesn't have to be now. You'll heal and figure everything out. You're already on the right path by getting that job at the publishing house. Your foot is in the door now with something you love, that's a big step. You're not giving yourself enough credit."
"It's hard to give myself credit for much when there's still so much damage in front of me. Stefan can still barely look at me. I can only imagine the tension I've caused between him and Caroline. Damon loathes my existence. Andie, who was nothing but nice to me now probably thinks I'm out to steal Damon from her."
"Well," Bonnie cringed, "Is she really that far off base?"
"Just because I still love him doesn't mean I want to steal him from Andie. My feelings for him are completely a non-issue, anyway. If he doesn't want me, there's nothing for me to steal."
"Do you think he wants you?" Bonnie hedged lightly.
Elena allowed herself a few moments to process her thoughts before saying, "I think he's still too mad at me to feel anything neutral about me, let alone want me. I feel like I've made some progress, though. He hasn't tried to slip arsenic in my food. That has to count for something, right?"
They hadn't seen each other much since Caroline announced that she was having a boy, but the few times they had seen each other, he hadn't yelled at her or tried to read her journal again. In fact, she felt like they'd made some semblance of progress that night in Caroline and Stefan's guest bedroom. For the first time since she got back, she really got to put things out on the table. She'd said what she hadn't known how to say when she left. She had been scared and confused. That led to stupid decisions that she had regretted every moment since, and he'd finally got to hear that. He'd said it didn't change anything, but she saw the look on his face. He'd listened to her. He hadn't walked off or picked another fight. He'd heard her and on some level, he'd gotten it.
He might think it meant nothing, but it meant something to her.
"Now, don't jump all over me or anything, but I have to ask. Are you refusing to go on the date because you really aren't ready, or are you refusing to go because you're waiting for Damon and hoping you two can work things out?"
Elena grimaced at the question she'd really rather not answer, but she knew it was a fair one. Was she putting part of her life on hold for Damon? "I love him. Of course, I want to hope that we can get back together."
"But do you really think that's going to happen?"
"I don't know," she whispered. "I honestly don't know."
"Okay, well, I told you I'd stay out of this and I will, but I just want to say one thing first. Caroline is right. One date won't be promising anyone a lifetime of anything. It will be one date, where it is perfectly acceptable for it to lead to absolutely nothing. I know you're scared of leading another guy on or hurting someone else, but you're not going to scar a man for life if you don't want a relationship and you end things at one date. There's always a chance that you might find someone you like. Even if you and Damon do get back together one day, you don't have to act like a social pariah until then. You get to have a life. And on that note, I'll shut up forever."
"You don't have to shut up," Elena insisted. "You and Caroline both give good advice. It's not always warranted, but there's love behind it. I can appreciate that and I will think about what you and Caroline have said."
"We just want you to be happy. That's all any of us ever want for the other."
"I know that, Bonnie, which is totally why I'm going to completely torture you for the next hour, and get you to spill every single detail about Owen." Elena shivered in excitement of the torture she was about to thrust upon her best friend, but she'd been patient long enough. She'd given Bonnie her time to feel more comfortable in the relationship, and figure out where things might be going. Now it was time for Elena to learn all of these things.
And that was precisely what she did.
She poked and prodded at her friend from the moment she walked into Bonnie's apartment, to the moment she was shoved out, with a joking, "Never talk to me again!" Bonnie had always been more comfortable being single, whereas Elena and Caroline had pretty much been in relationships on and off from the moment they grew breasts. So, the fact that Bonnie was actually admitting to being in a real relationship that made her grin from ear to ear, was a great thing for Elena. It was true that the three women only wanted each other to be happy, so seeing Bonnie happy made Elena happy. Even though her own life was still in shambles, it was nice to see that Bonnie had found something good.
She had more trouble opening up with relationships, and had been the last to lose her virginity. She'd always been the one that moved at her own pace. Because of that, Elena had never really gotten to see Bonnie in love. She'd had relationships over the years, but nothing that could ever grow into something serious. What she'd begun building with Owen was something Elena knew would be serious. She'd never seen her friend blush when talking about a guy. She'd never seen her so nervous to pick out an outfit for a date. She'd never seen Bonnie ready to lay it all out on the table for another guy before, but she was going to do that with Owen. She might not know it yet, but she was. If he wasn't the guy for her, then Elena would seriously question her intelligence, because no one had ever gotten this reaction from Bonnie before.
It was an interesting thing to be on the outside of, seeing someone fall in love. There was something so open and magical about it all. Everything was still pure and new, not yet tainted by mistakes and disappointments. It was a beautiful thing to witness, but Elena knew it was an even more beautiful thing to be a part of. She'd lived that with Damon once upon a time. She remembered all the firsts they'd had together, so new and vibrant.
The first time she'd kissed him had been captivating. For four years, the only man she'd kissed had been Matt, and when Damon's lips touched hers for the first time, it woke something up inside of her. It had been the catalyst for so much, set her on a path that would forever shape the rest of her life. At that moment, when he pulled away from her, his lips swollen and his eyes heavy with desire, she'd known nothing would ever be the same again.
Damon put her life on a completely different course. At that time, she was still trying to convince herself that Matt was the one. She'd believed that at one point, and she hadn't wanted to let go of that. He'd been her constant for those four years, and she didn't know how to not have him in her life. Then, Damon came into the picture and opened her eyes to the life she was trying to resign herself to. He'd forced her to see that she had to put Matt out of his misery and go after something new. For once in her life, she had to take a chance.
Damon was that chance.
She'd jumped in head first, despite the fact that they were never supposed to be anything more than a few good rolls in the sack. She'd ignored the protests from Bonnie and Caroline. All she'd focused on was him and what he made her feel. She'd lost herself in him until she had a positive pregnancy test staring her in the face on her bathroom counter. It had been a bucket of cold water on a forest of flames, and that was when the panic set in. From the moment she found out she was pregnant she was petrified. They were never supposed to even date, and suddenly they were tied together for the rest of their lives, and she was scared.
When Jenna found out that she was pregnant, she'd said that Damon had a way with words, and he did. He'd said all the things any girl in that situation hoped to hear. There had still been doubt, though. She'd struggled with that doubt until the moment he slammed his door in her face. The pregnancy had come at that moment where they were in limbo, stuck between whether they'd really stick to the strictly sex situation, or if they'd move towards something more serious. So, when she got pregnant and they moved towards serious, a part of her had naturally wondered if that was the reason. All of the insecurities she'd had before she was pregnant, got magnified, and as soon as he silenced them all, she lost the baby.
Their relationship, which had already been something akin to a blind obstacle course, now felt like a walk to promised heartbreak. She'd hated herself, so why didn't he hate her too? For some reason, it had made her mad. Why did he have to keep trying to help her? She hadn't felt like she deserved it, and even if she had, she wouldn't have had the energy. She was depressed and angry. She'd felt that she had already endured enough heartache in her life by losing her parents, so losing the baby simply felt like too much. She hadn't known how to recover. Because of that, she took him down with her. She grabbed hold of him with everything she had and pulled him into the dark abyss with her. Though they went down together, they didn't emerge together.
Damon had emerged with Andie, and she simply emerged, not really better, but not really worse. She was just floating in her pain, treading water until she could really find her way out. She knew she was getting closer, could see the end in her sight, but she wasn't there yet. She wondered if he ever felt the same, if he was treading the same water as her. Would they come together somewhere in the dark water? Would Damon be her beacon of light to guide her home? Was Andie his?
She didn't know, and that was what held her back. There were still so many things unanswered between them, so many doors she felt that she hadn't tried. She was scared to date, and open herself up to the possibility that she might not ever have Damon again. She was scared to resign herself to that fate, even though she knew she might.
Unable to face her lonely apartment right now, she found herself at Green Street, sitting at the bar and nursing a drink and trying to figure out where to go from this day. She'd learned in Chicago that if she tried to plan things a year from now, she'd send herself into a panic, so she tried to only allow herself to focus on the day she was in. Today, that day was feeling the kick of an unborn child growing in her best friend's stomach, and trying to contain the pain and jealousy that came in that moment. It was that she had a book manuscript that she needed to finish before tomorrow morning. It was that her friends believed she needed to reintroduce herself to the dating scene, and the fear that came with that thought. It was knowing that she still loved Damon with everything she had, and not knowing what to do with that love today.
"Fancy finding you here." Damon sat down on the stool right next to hers and twisted to look at her.
Elena ran her finger around the rim of her glass and twisted her neck around to see him. "I think you're the bigger surprise. This place isn't exactly your style."
"On the contrary." He smirked and motioned Mark over toward them. "Your former coworker and I have formed quite a loving bond over the past two years."
Mark retrieved a bottle of Damon's favorite scotch from beneath the cash register, where Elena had kept it when they'd been together. "What he means is that I let him drink here and agree to call his brother to drag him out when he can't walk, instead of tossing him onto the street and leaving him to fend for himself."
"And you've profited substantially from said drunkenness." As if to prove his point, Damon pulled out his wallet and deposited several twenty-dollar bills on the bar. "You're a gem, Mark."
Mark rolled his eyes and retrieved the money from the bar. "Just play nice. I'm not going to pick up broken glass and spilled alcohol if you lose your temper."
"I have no temper to be lost," Damon assured him before Mark walked away. "Since when do you drink alone in a bar? I thought that was more my thing."
She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe you rubbed off on me."
"Does that mean I only have myself to blame for the heartless bitch you turned into?" he snapped.
Elena lifted her drink to her lips and swallowed the remaining contents. Once finished, she motioned in Mark's direction and twisted around on her stool to face Damon. "You know what? It's been a little bit of a rough day. I don't know about you, but spending my day looking at Caroline is a little hard sometimes. I'd really appreciate it if I could sit and have a few drinks without you trying to make me feel worse." She'd thought they'd made some semblance of progress that night a few weeks ago, but then he said that, and it felt like they were back at square one.
Damon's gaze fell to the bar and she could see his shoulders deflate. Suddenly uncomfortable, she turned back toward the bar, unsure of why she'd just said that. Perhaps it was because of the assistance the two drinks she'd had gave her in lowering her inhibitions. Or maybe it was because he was the only one she could say it to. Despite the anger and pain that flowed freely between them, there was no one else she could voice the jealousy to. She had to keep it all inside because no one else could understand it. She didn't even know how much Damon would be able to understand it, but at least he wasn't going to try to comfort her or have a long conversation about her feelings like Bonnie or Caroline would try.
Finally, he asked, "Why are you so surprised that I'd still be mad at you? Did you really think that I wouldn't get the impression that you didn't care?"
"I thought you knew that I loved you."
He twisted around to face her, and she could feel his knees pressing softly against hers. His eyes bore into hers, fierce and burning. "Then why did you leave me like that? Usually when someone comes home to find his girlfriend packing her things, he starts to think she didn't care."
"I did care. I still do." Sadly, she shook her head. "God, Damon, I loved you so much that it scared me to death. You were the guy that was only looking for a good time until I got pregnant. You said that it was the catalyst for you to admit to what you were feeling, but of course I had my doubts. You know that I did. I know you can't have forgotten what it was like when I was pregnant."
Pain swirled in his eyes. "I remember every second," he whispered.
"Then you should remember how hard it was for me to accept everything when we were good, so when I lost it, everything changed. I was lost in this confusion and doubt. I didn't know what to do or say, but I still cared. I still loved you."
"People who love someone don't act the way you did, Elena."
Ashamed, she looked down at her hands. "I don't know what to say to you to make this better."
"That's just it, Elena. It can't be better. We're over. I don't know what to say to make you accept that."
"Then why are you still so mad?" she demanded softly. "You say we're over, but your actions say differently. You can't be this mad and not care."
"Of course I care." Her head shot up at his words, just in time to see his head reel back in astonishment. His eyes widened and his mouth hung open, stunned by what he'd said. Finally, an annoyed laugh fell from his lips as he shook his head. "There it is, I guess. It was the last thing I wanted to admit, but I care. I was going to have a child with you. I loved you. Then, one day, you were gone. You left me with no answers and no hope of getting any. I suppose it's only natural to still feel something, and that's where the anger comes from. I'm angry because I gave you everything and you threw it back in my face. Then you come back here bringing everything back that I didn't want to remember. All of that anger, though, it doesn't mean anything, not really. I'm with Andie. I want to be with Andie. You and I are done."
Tears stung painfully in Elena's eyes as she listened to him admit to what she'd spent months hoping for. She'd so desperately wanted to hear him say that he cared, and now that he'd said it, he was also saying that it didn't change anything. He was sitting here, telling her that she had no chance, no matter what progress they made, or how profound her words were, they wouldn't work.
"You don't love me anymore?" she questioned brokenly.
Damon's face contorted in agony. His eyes flashed in remembrance and something she couldn't quite place before he dejectedly shrugged his shoulders. "You were supposed to be the mother of my child. I think a part of me will always love you. Maybe that's the problem." Slowly, he stood up and set his glass down on the bar. "For my own sanity, I had to move on, Elena. I couldn't sit around and wait for you."
She closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to keep herself from crying in front of him yet again. She'd tried to get stronger since she got back and that meant not breaking down during every conversation they had, but right now, after the day she'd had with Caroline and what he was saying to her, that was all she wanted to do. It took her several moments to feel in control enough to pry her eyes open again, and when she did, he was gone. She turned just in time to see him fading into the crowd, leaving her behind much in the same way she'd left him.
"I can tell him he's not allowed in the bar anymore." Mark slid a box of tissues over the bar, and Elena tearfully smiled at him as she twisted on her stool. "His money isn't that important."
"Don't do that," she told him. "He didn't do anything wrong. In fact, he was just telling me what I needed to hear, but didn't want to believe." She pulled a tissue from the box and gently wiped it under her eyes. "Have you met her?" she wondered.
Mark did a quick sweep of the bar to see if he was needed before he leaned forward on his arms. "Asking me if I've met her and how he is with her isn't going to help anything, Elena. I don't know whether Damon really means what he says, but I know that you can't sit around and hope that he doesn't. You deserve more than that."
"I don't know how to move on."
He reached out and gave her hands a comforting squeeze. "Nobody does. That's why it's so scary." He flashed her one last reassuring smile before straightening up again. "I should get back to work. Let me know when you're ready for another drink."
Shaking her head, Elena pushed her glass away and stood up. "I should go home. I've had enough to drink for one night."
When she dug into her purse to find her wallet, he quickly held his hand out in protest. "Keep your money. You worked here long enough to get a few free drinks."
"Thanks, Mark." She gave him an appreciative smile. "I'll see you around."
"Just keep your chin up, kid. You'll be fine."
Elena offered a small wave before turning and leaving the bar. In a matter of a day, she'd had three people tell her that she needed to move on. Damon told her that her hope was all in vain. It was a tough pill to swallow, one she didn't want to. Damon was the one that put her over the edge, though. She could handle it from Bonnie, Caroline, and Mark. She knew the day had been coming that people would suggest she start dating again, but she'd never let herself consider this moment with Damon. She'd been so sure that the progress meant something. It had to.
Damon told her that it didn't, and it wouldn't. In so many words, he told her to let them go and move on. Andie was his choice right now, not her. He didn't want her.
Before she could think about her decision, she pulled her phone from her purse and dialed Caroline's number. The line rang a few times before a giggling Caroline answered the phone. "Stop it!" she could hear Caroline exclaim. "That tickles!" There was rustling on the other end before Caroline finally said, "Hey, Elena, sorry, Stefan is being a dork right now. What's up?"
"That date you mentioned earlier, I'll do it. I'll go out with him."
"Seriously?" she questioned incredulously.
"I thought about what you said. You're right. I need to move on. I'll go on the date."