TEN
"Okay Seymour, show me what you've got," Mercer said, leaning down next to the monitor in his office at Department of Corrections Headquarters.
"Here's what we filmed yesterday, sir," Seymour hit the PLAY button on the VCR. On the screen, a young couple was awakened by the sound of a window being broken. "What's that!?" the wife cried.
"I'll go check, honey," the husband, a terrible actor, said. He strode down the hall to the window—and was hit on the head with a lead pipe. "Oh no, the Blues Brothers!" he exclaimed.
"That's right, chump," the actor playing Jake, also terrible at his trade, said, "And now we're going to kidnap your wife and kids and your cute little dog. Come on Elwood."
The Elwood actor joined "Jake" in stalking down the hall. Suddenly a tall metallic humanoid object glowing with light jumped out of the shadows at them. "Oh no, it's...it's...BURTON MERCER!" the "Brothers" cried in terror.
"You boys will never beat the Mercernator," Mercer chuckled. He pointed a huge bazooka on his arm at them and fired. There was an abrupt cut as the "Brothers" were destroyed to the wife coming out of the bedroom. "Oh Mr. Mercer, how can we ever thank you!" she gushed.
"You can thank me by voting me into office on Election Day, and put that softie Haroldson out of office," Mercer told her, putting his "arm" around her.
"The Mercernator," the voice over announced boomed, "He's so tough on crime, it's almost painful to watch."
"So, what do you think, sir?" Seymour asked his boss.
"Why'd you have to take out me splattering their heads all over the place!?" Mercer protested.
"Well Mr. Mercer, we're trying to wow the voters over to our side, not horrify them," Seymour rationalized.
"And they're going to rape his wife and kids, not kidnap them," the candidate went on, "It says so right in the script. We need to make them as evil as possible."
"What if you're wrong and..." Seymour started to protest.
"Mr. Mercer, Tony Danson's here to see you," Lieutenant Eliozar called in.
"Tony!" Mercer embraced the businessman, an old friend, "What brings you here?"
"Burton, I have a proposition for you," Danson told him, "The Blues Brothers kidnapped my son last night. I've been told that you're hell-bent on catching them. If you can do this, I'd be grateful enough to try and convince some members of the Electoral College to vote for you."
"Consider it done, Tony," Mercer shook his hand, "We'll have this whole affair wrapped up in a few days. You're not the first one to come out and press kidnapping charges against them; the other guy's with Jim getting the troops all warmed up."
"Mr. Mercer, we just got a call from a meter maid," Daniel called from in the door, "The Blues Brothers are in a junkyard on the south side; if we hurry now, we might catch them."
"Well then what are we waiting for, let's get moving everyone," Mercer rushed for the door.
"Explain to me why I'm coming as well, Mr. Mercer?" Seymour asked his boss.
"You and the production staff keep the cameras rolling," Mercer explained, "When we catch them, I want it on tape making us cops look like heroes."
"You do realize sir that if they leave the state, they'll be out of our jurisdiction."
"The hell with jurisdiction," Mount snorted, "We chased them all the way up to Lake Wassapamani in Wisconsin twenty years ago and nobody complained."
The square in front of D.O.C. headquarters was jammed with authorities. Mercer had spent the last two days searching every inch of the state for the best of the best in law enforcement for the elite force he was going to use to bring the Brothers in, and the top 700 of them were now standing before him. Most were Illinois Highway Patrol officers, but he'd been able to find room for the best of the Chicago Police Department, Illinois National Guard, local cops, various S.W.A.T. teamers, and, at Suntzman's request, a few Joliet guards. He'd wanted an even larger force, but Daniel and Mount had convinced him that any further manpower deployments would leave the state understaffed. Added onto his force were the hundred FBI men Agent Orange had managed to scrape together and the five hundred men of General Storrs's command. They'd told Mercer they'd be able to get him more forces if needed. "Well Mercer, are we ready to fly with this?" the FBI man asked him as he came up along side them, "They're calling for rain any minute now."
"Just let me make my Gipper speak," Mercer hefted a megaphone. "All right men," he announced to all the cops, "You're about to embark on a historic crusade in the annals of law enforcement. We will be in the field for long hours, sweating for..."
"Mr. Mercer, if we stay around here much longer, they'll get away!" Daniel whispered in his ear.
"To your cars then!" Mercer announced boldly to cheers. "Ness, come with me," he told his dog, leading the Doberman to his car, a brand-new Cadillac with all the special features. He'd gotten it as a special gift from the state's leading car factory for giving them special funds for increased production, a move that was technically illegal, but beyond Mercer's concern as long as the governor didn't find out and exploit it.
"How come your dog gets the front seat?" General Storrs complained as he and Agent Orange climbed into the back seat with Seymour.
"He asked first, didn't you Ness?" Mercer scratched the dog behind the ears. He pressed a few buttons on his control panel. "Global Positioning Unit," he told the others, "It connect to satellites. If we can get a trace on the famous Bluesmobile, we can watch their and our every move. It's really a neat device you'll..."
"I'm aware of how it works," Agent Orange said curtly.
"Right then," Mercer picked up his siren from the floor and stuck in on his car's roof. "Ready Jim?" he asked the warden in his own car on the right. Suntzman, who was giving directions to Danson and Buster's father, gave him a thumbs up. "Steve, Charlie, ready to hit the highways again?" he asked Daniel and Mount on the left. The captains gave him even higher thumbs up. Mercer clicked on his radio. "Officers, agents, troopers, start your engines and sirens!" he ordered all the officers. There was a loud whoop as the cruisers roared to life. "Let's move out; we're hunting Blues!" Mercer roared as he led his force out into traffic.
"All right ladies and gents," Jake announced pompously to his contingency, "Four million score and thousands of years ago, the lord our God brought forth upon this universe the planet earth, conceived in holiness and dedicated to the proposition that all beings are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great battle to see whether that planet so conceived and dedicated can long endure. The world will little note nor long remember what I say here, ,but it will never forget what we do, to make sure this planet of by and for the people shall not perish from the universe! Are there any questions?"
"WHEN WILL WE GET PAID!" the band demanded.
Jake sighed. "Okay, I can see you won't be pacified," he said in resignation. He aimed his arms at the band, and moneybags shot out of them and landed at their feet. The band greedily tore them open to find mountains of gold coins. "We're rich!" Donald yelled, "All we had to do was kill Jake and we'd have hit it big!"
"Then why didn't we do it?" Willie pondered, "Because Lord knows we wanted to." The drummer looked skyward and added, "No offense."
"None taken," Jake said. "We have eleven days until the end of the world," he continued his spiel, "And there is no going back. Either we succeed or die trying. Now let's roll out!"
The dead man walked over to Reverend James and Ray. "We'll keep in touch with these special radios," he said, handing one to the holy man, "Turn it up to the highest frequency for contact with us. Also keep a look at this gauge," he handed him a color-coded barometer, "This will measure the amount of evil entropy in the Chicago area. It's critical if it enters the red. When it reaches the far right side, Hell's breaking wide open, so if you get everybody praying you might be able to alleviate it a bit. Contact us only about once a day, so that Hell's agents can't get a trace on us."
"As you wish, O holy one," Reverend James said, handing both of them to Ray. Jake strolled to the Bluesmobile. Start'er up, Elwood," he told his brother.
"All aboard," Elwood announced, climbing into the Bluesmobile. "Come on, Armstrong," he said, lifting the dog up into the back seat, "We're goin' on a big adventure."
"Hey Elwood," Keith told him, lowering the shades of the perfect replica Blues Brother outfit he'd brought with him, "This has always been my dream to go on a mission from God like this."
"Well keep in mind, kid, that this is serious stuff," Elwood told him, "The future of the world's literally at stake here."
"Well after being forced to spend half my life in pathetic private schools learning how to run a company I don't want to take over, this is a welcome relief," Keith said, "I mean, you guys are the antithesis of normal society—and I like you better."
"Thanks," Elwood shrugged.
"Just be careful, Keith," Jennifer said, sticking her head in through the window, "Your father's friends with the cops, and they'll stop at nothing to stop them.
"Hey don't worry, Jennifer," Keith gave her a farewell kiss, "This is the Bluesmobile. Nobody can catch it once it's going."
"That's right," Rocky added, "This is the Ultimate Auto."
"Well give me a call when you shack up for the night," Jennifer said, opening the door to let Buster and Katrina in the back seat.
"Where are we staying again?" Mack asked Keith, "You weren't really open with us last night when you were printing it out."
"I contacted Garrett Drew, he's one of the orphans Jake and Elwood saved," Keith explained, hand Mack the MapQuest directions, "He'll shelter us for the night down in Alton and direct us to the next safe house."
"As long as we're down in Gator Bay for the Festival, that's all that matters," Jake said, sliding next to Elwood in the front seat.
"Just don't do anything reckless on the highway," Zee said, squeezing his way over Rocky and Mack next to Jake, "I've had enough excitement two nights ago for a lifetime."
"Well, only if our lives are in danger," Elwood conceded.
"You will not speed, though," Cabel warned him form the back seat, "Speeding is immoral and against the law. You will be disciplined for it if you do it."
"Uh, Jake?" Elwood shot his brother a quizzical glance.
"Oh, forgot to mention, Elwood, as a result of being split into good and evil entities, his good side is now good to the point of nausea," Jake told him, "My advice is just live with him."
Latifah stuck her head in the driver's window. "Are you sure you need me to come on this?" she asked the Brothers, "Because may I remind you I have a very big career that will be ruined for this."
"Miss LaGrange, we need an agent to arrange for our playing at the various locations we'll be playing at, and until I can get Maury Sline to return my calls, you're our best option for that. If you love your career more than human life, please resume it by all means, but you'll just be enslaved by Hell like everyone else."
Latifah sighed wearily. "I spent ten years in law school," she muttered to herself, "I must be out of my mind!"
"You're not out of your mind," Jake called after her as she jumped in her car. He perked up and listened to the air. "Let's get going Elwood, the cops are on their way," he told his brother."
"Fasten yours seatbelts everyone, we're starting our mission from God," Elwood said, starting the Bluesmobile's engine, "Gator Bay, here we come."
"Godspeed to thee!" Reverend James blessed the Brothers and the band, who hurried tossed their gold into their car followed the Bluesmobile and Latifah's Volvo out of the junkyard.
"You know it, Reverend!" Jake called after him. As they sped onto I- 55, he called out in parting, "We'll be back soon, Chicago!"
"You see them!?" Zildrohar slammed the Head Nazi's face against the monitor, "Because you couldn't do them in, they are on the verge of finding the third part of the relic!"
"Well that was just a minor failure," the Head Nazi said quickly, "My men and I will do them in before you can say eternal damnation."
"See to it you do," Zildrohar hissed, "Or you'll be Ophiuchus's next meal!" he held his snake in the Head Nazi's face to emphasize his point.
"Right," the Head Nazi put his hat on and rushed for the Sears Tower's door, yelling, "Gruppenfuehrer, steal the first car you see!"
Zildrohar pressed the intercom button on the desk. "Brothers Ilvania and Voodshtap, to the front now!" he ordered. Moments later, two of his men ran up. "Go out to Idaho and put the racist preacher under our thumb," he told them, "Use this to ensure he complies." He handed them a cold gray box that was shaking around as if it were possessed. The two Heretics gulped. "Not that!" Ilvania gasped, "Mongor's spirit is too dangerous a controlling mechanism. Ever since God took away his body, he's been hell- bent on returning to his position as Satan's right-hand man!"
"Which is why we're using him here!" Zildrohar growled, "Now do as I say!" He blasted his underlings with his staff, and they stumbled over each other as they rushed from the lobby.
"Okay Seymour, show me what you've got," Mercer said, leaning down next to the monitor in his office at Department of Corrections Headquarters.
"Here's what we filmed yesterday, sir," Seymour hit the PLAY button on the VCR. On the screen, a young couple was awakened by the sound of a window being broken. "What's that!?" the wife cried.
"I'll go check, honey," the husband, a terrible actor, said. He strode down the hall to the window—and was hit on the head with a lead pipe. "Oh no, the Blues Brothers!" he exclaimed.
"That's right, chump," the actor playing Jake, also terrible at his trade, said, "And now we're going to kidnap your wife and kids and your cute little dog. Come on Elwood."
The Elwood actor joined "Jake" in stalking down the hall. Suddenly a tall metallic humanoid object glowing with light jumped out of the shadows at them. "Oh no, it's...it's...BURTON MERCER!" the "Brothers" cried in terror.
"You boys will never beat the Mercernator," Mercer chuckled. He pointed a huge bazooka on his arm at them and fired. There was an abrupt cut as the "Brothers" were destroyed to the wife coming out of the bedroom. "Oh Mr. Mercer, how can we ever thank you!" she gushed.
"You can thank me by voting me into office on Election Day, and put that softie Haroldson out of office," Mercer told her, putting his "arm" around her.
"The Mercernator," the voice over announced boomed, "He's so tough on crime, it's almost painful to watch."
"So, what do you think, sir?" Seymour asked his boss.
"Why'd you have to take out me splattering their heads all over the place!?" Mercer protested.
"Well Mr. Mercer, we're trying to wow the voters over to our side, not horrify them," Seymour rationalized.
"And they're going to rape his wife and kids, not kidnap them," the candidate went on, "It says so right in the script. We need to make them as evil as possible."
"What if you're wrong and..." Seymour started to protest.
"Mr. Mercer, Tony Danson's here to see you," Lieutenant Eliozar called in.
"Tony!" Mercer embraced the businessman, an old friend, "What brings you here?"
"Burton, I have a proposition for you," Danson told him, "The Blues Brothers kidnapped my son last night. I've been told that you're hell-bent on catching them. If you can do this, I'd be grateful enough to try and convince some members of the Electoral College to vote for you."
"Consider it done, Tony," Mercer shook his hand, "We'll have this whole affair wrapped up in a few days. You're not the first one to come out and press kidnapping charges against them; the other guy's with Jim getting the troops all warmed up."
"Mr. Mercer, we just got a call from a meter maid," Daniel called from in the door, "The Blues Brothers are in a junkyard on the south side; if we hurry now, we might catch them."
"Well then what are we waiting for, let's get moving everyone," Mercer rushed for the door.
"Explain to me why I'm coming as well, Mr. Mercer?" Seymour asked his boss.
"You and the production staff keep the cameras rolling," Mercer explained, "When we catch them, I want it on tape making us cops look like heroes."
"You do realize sir that if they leave the state, they'll be out of our jurisdiction."
"The hell with jurisdiction," Mount snorted, "We chased them all the way up to Lake Wassapamani in Wisconsin twenty years ago and nobody complained."
The square in front of D.O.C. headquarters was jammed with authorities. Mercer had spent the last two days searching every inch of the state for the best of the best in law enforcement for the elite force he was going to use to bring the Brothers in, and the top 700 of them were now standing before him. Most were Illinois Highway Patrol officers, but he'd been able to find room for the best of the Chicago Police Department, Illinois National Guard, local cops, various S.W.A.T. teamers, and, at Suntzman's request, a few Joliet guards. He'd wanted an even larger force, but Daniel and Mount had convinced him that any further manpower deployments would leave the state understaffed. Added onto his force were the hundred FBI men Agent Orange had managed to scrape together and the five hundred men of General Storrs's command. They'd told Mercer they'd be able to get him more forces if needed. "Well Mercer, are we ready to fly with this?" the FBI man asked him as he came up along side them, "They're calling for rain any minute now."
"Just let me make my Gipper speak," Mercer hefted a megaphone. "All right men," he announced to all the cops, "You're about to embark on a historic crusade in the annals of law enforcement. We will be in the field for long hours, sweating for..."
"Mr. Mercer, if we stay around here much longer, they'll get away!" Daniel whispered in his ear.
"To your cars then!" Mercer announced boldly to cheers. "Ness, come with me," he told his dog, leading the Doberman to his car, a brand-new Cadillac with all the special features. He'd gotten it as a special gift from the state's leading car factory for giving them special funds for increased production, a move that was technically illegal, but beyond Mercer's concern as long as the governor didn't find out and exploit it.
"How come your dog gets the front seat?" General Storrs complained as he and Agent Orange climbed into the back seat with Seymour.
"He asked first, didn't you Ness?" Mercer scratched the dog behind the ears. He pressed a few buttons on his control panel. "Global Positioning Unit," he told the others, "It connect to satellites. If we can get a trace on the famous Bluesmobile, we can watch their and our every move. It's really a neat device you'll..."
"I'm aware of how it works," Agent Orange said curtly.
"Right then," Mercer picked up his siren from the floor and stuck in on his car's roof. "Ready Jim?" he asked the warden in his own car on the right. Suntzman, who was giving directions to Danson and Buster's father, gave him a thumbs up. "Steve, Charlie, ready to hit the highways again?" he asked Daniel and Mount on the left. The captains gave him even higher thumbs up. Mercer clicked on his radio. "Officers, agents, troopers, start your engines and sirens!" he ordered all the officers. There was a loud whoop as the cruisers roared to life. "Let's move out; we're hunting Blues!" Mercer roared as he led his force out into traffic.
"All right ladies and gents," Jake announced pompously to his contingency, "Four million score and thousands of years ago, the lord our God brought forth upon this universe the planet earth, conceived in holiness and dedicated to the proposition that all beings are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great battle to see whether that planet so conceived and dedicated can long endure. The world will little note nor long remember what I say here, ,but it will never forget what we do, to make sure this planet of by and for the people shall not perish from the universe! Are there any questions?"
"WHEN WILL WE GET PAID!" the band demanded.
Jake sighed. "Okay, I can see you won't be pacified," he said in resignation. He aimed his arms at the band, and moneybags shot out of them and landed at their feet. The band greedily tore them open to find mountains of gold coins. "We're rich!" Donald yelled, "All we had to do was kill Jake and we'd have hit it big!"
"Then why didn't we do it?" Willie pondered, "Because Lord knows we wanted to." The drummer looked skyward and added, "No offense."
"None taken," Jake said. "We have eleven days until the end of the world," he continued his spiel, "And there is no going back. Either we succeed or die trying. Now let's roll out!"
The dead man walked over to Reverend James and Ray. "We'll keep in touch with these special radios," he said, handing one to the holy man, "Turn it up to the highest frequency for contact with us. Also keep a look at this gauge," he handed him a color-coded barometer, "This will measure the amount of evil entropy in the Chicago area. It's critical if it enters the red. When it reaches the far right side, Hell's breaking wide open, so if you get everybody praying you might be able to alleviate it a bit. Contact us only about once a day, so that Hell's agents can't get a trace on us."
"As you wish, O holy one," Reverend James said, handing both of them to Ray. Jake strolled to the Bluesmobile. Start'er up, Elwood," he told his brother.
"All aboard," Elwood announced, climbing into the Bluesmobile. "Come on, Armstrong," he said, lifting the dog up into the back seat, "We're goin' on a big adventure."
"Hey Elwood," Keith told him, lowering the shades of the perfect replica Blues Brother outfit he'd brought with him, "This has always been my dream to go on a mission from God like this."
"Well keep in mind, kid, that this is serious stuff," Elwood told him, "The future of the world's literally at stake here."
"Well after being forced to spend half my life in pathetic private schools learning how to run a company I don't want to take over, this is a welcome relief," Keith said, "I mean, you guys are the antithesis of normal society—and I like you better."
"Thanks," Elwood shrugged.
"Just be careful, Keith," Jennifer said, sticking her head in through the window, "Your father's friends with the cops, and they'll stop at nothing to stop them.
"Hey don't worry, Jennifer," Keith gave her a farewell kiss, "This is the Bluesmobile. Nobody can catch it once it's going."
"That's right," Rocky added, "This is the Ultimate Auto."
"Well give me a call when you shack up for the night," Jennifer said, opening the door to let Buster and Katrina in the back seat.
"Where are we staying again?" Mack asked Keith, "You weren't really open with us last night when you were printing it out."
"I contacted Garrett Drew, he's one of the orphans Jake and Elwood saved," Keith explained, hand Mack the MapQuest directions, "He'll shelter us for the night down in Alton and direct us to the next safe house."
"As long as we're down in Gator Bay for the Festival, that's all that matters," Jake said, sliding next to Elwood in the front seat.
"Just don't do anything reckless on the highway," Zee said, squeezing his way over Rocky and Mack next to Jake, "I've had enough excitement two nights ago for a lifetime."
"Well, only if our lives are in danger," Elwood conceded.
"You will not speed, though," Cabel warned him form the back seat, "Speeding is immoral and against the law. You will be disciplined for it if you do it."
"Uh, Jake?" Elwood shot his brother a quizzical glance.
"Oh, forgot to mention, Elwood, as a result of being split into good and evil entities, his good side is now good to the point of nausea," Jake told him, "My advice is just live with him."
Latifah stuck her head in the driver's window. "Are you sure you need me to come on this?" she asked the Brothers, "Because may I remind you I have a very big career that will be ruined for this."
"Miss LaGrange, we need an agent to arrange for our playing at the various locations we'll be playing at, and until I can get Maury Sline to return my calls, you're our best option for that. If you love your career more than human life, please resume it by all means, but you'll just be enslaved by Hell like everyone else."
Latifah sighed wearily. "I spent ten years in law school," she muttered to herself, "I must be out of my mind!"
"You're not out of your mind," Jake called after her as she jumped in her car. He perked up and listened to the air. "Let's get going Elwood, the cops are on their way," he told his brother."
"Fasten yours seatbelts everyone, we're starting our mission from God," Elwood said, starting the Bluesmobile's engine, "Gator Bay, here we come."
"Godspeed to thee!" Reverend James blessed the Brothers and the band, who hurried tossed their gold into their car followed the Bluesmobile and Latifah's Volvo out of the junkyard.
"You know it, Reverend!" Jake called after him. As they sped onto I- 55, he called out in parting, "We'll be back soon, Chicago!"
"You see them!?" Zildrohar slammed the Head Nazi's face against the monitor, "Because you couldn't do them in, they are on the verge of finding the third part of the relic!"
"Well that was just a minor failure," the Head Nazi said quickly, "My men and I will do them in before you can say eternal damnation."
"See to it you do," Zildrohar hissed, "Or you'll be Ophiuchus's next meal!" he held his snake in the Head Nazi's face to emphasize his point.
"Right," the Head Nazi put his hat on and rushed for the Sears Tower's door, yelling, "Gruppenfuehrer, steal the first car you see!"
Zildrohar pressed the intercom button on the desk. "Brothers Ilvania and Voodshtap, to the front now!" he ordered. Moments later, two of his men ran up. "Go out to Idaho and put the racist preacher under our thumb," he told them, "Use this to ensure he complies." He handed them a cold gray box that was shaking around as if it were possessed. The two Heretics gulped. "Not that!" Ilvania gasped, "Mongor's spirit is too dangerous a controlling mechanism. Ever since God took away his body, he's been hell- bent on returning to his position as Satan's right-hand man!"
"Which is why we're using him here!" Zildrohar growled, "Now do as I say!" He blasted his underlings with his staff, and they stumbled over each other as they rushed from the lobby.