"You never told me she went to hell, Jake," Elwood said. He was appalled to find they were once again facing Camille Zlatopec, who stood there with fire almost literally burning in her eyes. "That's right," Jake's one-time fiancé said, "I blew up an office building in Springfield and got caught in the explosion. A little job asked by the militia group I joined after Jake died. I've been waiting for you, Jake."
"Yeah, well, honey, now's kind of not the time to bring the past back up," Jake said nervously, "If it's okay, we'd just like to take the relic and go."
"I think not, Jake," Camille said darkly, "You're going to stay right here and suffer the consequences."
"Well I think the consequences should be...YIPE!!" Jake hit the ground as Camille breathed a huge fireball out of her mouth. "Now look angel...!" he pleaded.
"That's demon, not angel, as far as you're concerned!" Camille snarled. Her hands formed into two massive blocks, which she started swinging wildly at Jake. Jake somehow managed to duck all the blows. "There's no reason to be doing this!" he begged, shrinking his head to the size of a pin to avoid a blow, "The Heretics don't care about you! They're just using you! And if it means anything, I'm sorry about everything!"
"It's too late for sorry, Jake!" Camille growled. She threw one more punch that nicked Jake in the chest.
"Hey, go pick on someone your own...someone in hell like you!" Elwood threatened her.
"Like you, dummy?" Camille turned her arms into flamethrowers and unleashed a torrent of hellfire at Elwood. He crawled along the floor, feeling the incredible heat inches from his face.
"No one tries to kill my brother!" Jake whacked Camille in the back of the head. She turned very slowly to him. "That Jake," she said softly, "Was the last mistake you'll ever make!" She turned her face into an anvil and gave Jake a brutal head butt. Jake yowled and staggered around dazedly. Camille reformed her right hand into a pile driver and extended it over the mantle of the relic. "Next one who comes near me gets to see this smashed," she warned.
"You wouldn't dare!" Jake yelled.
"Oh yeah? Watch me," before both brothers' horrified eyes, Camille shattered the mantle into a thousand pieces. "I could care less about humanity," she said, "They're treacherous slugs. Just like you, Jake."
"If we didn't observe chivalry in heaven, I'd tear you apart right now!" Jake shouted.
"Too bad," Camille tutted, "In Hell we can do whatever the hell we want. Like this, for example." She charged at Jake and leaped in the air, her leg outstretched. Jake ducked the first kick but wasn't able to react in time as she transformed her other foot into a wrecking ball and connected right with his face, sending him flying hard into the maze wall. "Sugar please,..." he tried to beg.
"No more pleading Jake," Camille strode over and put her hand on his face, turning it into molten steel, which promptly hardened, locking Jake to the floor. "Just accept that your time's come." He other arm dissolved into a long blade. "Enjoy the black abyss, Jake," she sniggered, raising it high above his heart.
"DON'T!!" Elwood grabbed the blade just before she could run Jake through. He pulled back on it as hard as he could. Camille had more than enough strength to overpower him on it, but the disruption provided enough time for Jake to burn his way out of the metal over his face. "Okay honey, now you've really gotten me mad!" he growled. He blew the hurricane-force winds from his mouth and pinned Camille against the wall much like he had the drug dealers. "Now breathe this!" he bellowed, puffing out a pink cloud of some sort. It settled into place over Camille's face. "If you think any of your tricks..." Camille started to yell, but broke into hysterical laughter. She rolled around on the floor, paralyzed by it.
"Laughing gas," Jake explained to Elwood as he transformed his own arm into a vacuum and started sucking up all the pieces on the floor, "It's only hold her for about five minutes, though, so we'd better get a move on."
He sprouted wings and took to flight back toward where they'd entered the maze. "Why didn't we just do this the first time?" Elwood had to ask.
"That would have been cheating, and there is no cheating in heaven, "Jake said with a slight hint of valor. Moments later they'd cleared the surface of the lake and were swimming back to the stage. The band was in the closing stages of performing "Soothe Me." Jake and Elwood snuck quietly onto the stage, hoping no one had noticed their absence in the crowd. It seemed to Elwood that the audience was rather enthusiastic about the blues music. "Maybe I spoke too soon the other day about the blues being washed up," he thought optimistically.
The song came to an end. Jake walked over to Zee, who'd been on lead mike since they'd left. "Let me talk to them," he asked.
"Sure, if you say so," his blood brother said, handing the microphone to him. Jake strode into the center of the stage, accompanying by murmurs of excitement and shock from the audience. "We hope you liked our show tonight," he told the public, "Yes, it's me, Joliet Jake." He ignored the widespread sniggers and continued, "Our newest member, Calumet Keith, has suggested we do some more modern songs to augment our library, so here's modern one in which we'd like to ask you to be more cordial to each other. Don't waste your lives on false idols, because there is only one true path to happiness. One, two, one, two, three, four."
He force-waved at the band, who started up a melody that sounded a little familiar to Elwood. "Elwood, get the car ready, we're leaving after this one," Jake whispered in his ear. Elwood nodded and pulled out the Bluesmobile's remote control. "Sister Christian, oh the time has come," Jake bellowed into the mike, "And you know that you're the only one to say okay." The other Brothers, knowing the tune, joined in. Elwood, unfamiliar with the lyrics, stuck to playing the harmonica with Armstrong, all the while maneuvering the Bluesmobile into position in front of the stage. No sooner did he pull the trigger to open the doors, however, then there was a tremendous roar from behind the stage. "I think she's back, Jake," he whispered nervously to his brother.
"Get in, I'll hold her off," Jake promised him. Elwood waved to the others, and the band slowly left the stage one at a time. In the crowd, the authorities were eyeing it suspiciously. "Something's definitely not right here," Mount said warily.
"Yeah," Mercer agreed, "The day they'd start performing Sister Christian is the day that pig start flying."
"Wake up, Mercer, they're getting away!" General Storrs yelled at him. He pulled out his radio. "Everyone report to the exits now; we have an escape in progress!" he ordered his men.
On stage, Camille leaped over Murphy's piano, boiling with rage. "You're dead meat, Jake!" she screamed at him. Her arms dissolved this time into Tommy guns.
Jake shifted his head into Tony Montana's. "Say hello to my little friends!" he yelled at her in a Hispanic falsetto. Out of nowhere, millions of small birds dived at Camille, sending her running for cover.
"Passenger pigeons?" Cabel asked Jake as he jumped in the Bluesmobile, pointing at the birds.
"Hey, animals have spirits too," Jake said, "Where else do you think they'd go after humanity wiped them out? Floor it Elwood."
Elwood gassed the Bluesmobile toward the nearest fairground exit. The army personnel blocking the gates waved frantically for him to stop, but he ignored them and smashed right through the MP cars blocking the way out. "By the way," Jake told him over the wail of police sirens revving up behind them, "Head for L.A. The next piece is under Universal Studios."