TWENTY-TWO
On top of the Sears Tower, the H.E.R.E.T.I.C.s stood in two long parallel rows as unnatural red storm clouds thundered overhead. The door to the roof slammed open as Alderman Alderman dragged over a thoroughly broken Reverend James. "He refused to submit to your cause," the alderman told Zildrohar, "I leave him at your mercy."
"Please do," the head Satan worshipper said. He snake buzzed loudly at the preacher. "Not yet, Ophiuchus," he told it, "I'd like to give him one last chance."
"How much longer do you think you can keep deceiving them on your true purpose?" Reverend James demanded, "When they find out you're using them to…"
"By then they'll be so grateful for having given them unrestrained power that they won't mind," Zildrohar interrupted, "The end of this world is coming, and if I were you, preacher, I'd think of where I'm going to stand in the New Order. Abandon your unresponsive God and swear loyalty to me, and you might survive."
Reverend James spit at him. "I will not abandon Him," he swore strongly, "You underestimate the Blues Brothers. They will not stop until they undo all your tricks."
"I think not," Zildrohar said dryly, "Because our powers grow stronger ever moment. Like so, for example."
He withdrew a black spell book from the folds of his robe. Placing it on a stand, he led his followers into a dark chant, at the end of which he struck the roof with his staff. With loud thunderclaps, a crack opened up in it, with hellish fire spewing up. Then a low rumble preceded the spontaneous eruption of innumerable demons of all shapes and sizes from the depths of Hell. "Find the Blues Brothers!" Zildrohar ordered them as they flew off in all directions, "And when you do, destroy them!"
"What the hell is all this?" Mercer blew his horn. The entrance to Universal Studios Hollywood was jammed with all sorts of people heading into the park, even though the sun was well on the way down. "Hey, clear a path!" the Department of Corrections chairman demanded, waving the crowds out of his way, but getting mostly obscene gestures in response. "Unbelievable," he mused to his associates, "You'd think they actually liked these clowns."
"Maybe they do," General Storrs couldn't help noticing several park patrons wearing T-shirts saying things such as ELWODD BLUES IS MY BROTHER. In the cruiser behind the wreck that was now Mercer's car, Mount shook his head at the sight of his enemies having pirated merchandise. "Unbelievable, just unbelievable," he muttered, "To think people would actually think of these goons as heroes."
"And if that's bad enough, there's no damn parking space," Daniel was scanning the lot ahead of him. Nothing was even close to being open.
"Too bad this isn't a movie," Lieutenant Eliozar commented from the back seat, "Whenever anyone's driving in the movies, there's always a convenient parking space directly outside the place they want to go."
There was a low growling next to her. The evil Cabel was rolling his head crazily from side to side, looking as if some animalistic instinct was overtaking him. Eliozar ever so slowly slid over a few feet in her seat. "I think the commander might need some aspirin," she told the other cops.
"I need no help," Evil Cabel grumbled in a high, cold voice, "I just want to crack some skulls."
Mount stared at him. "I think the lieutenant's right; you need help," he said slowly.
"Ah, the hell with it," Daniel abruptly stopped in the middle of the lane, apparently giving up on finding parking. There was the squealing of brakes as the cruisers behind him managed to stop before colliding. "I give up too," the driver of the squad car behind them agreed, "There's just too many reporters and their stupid fans here."
"Fall in," came the order from their leaders, who'd also failed to find a parking space. All the police, agents, and soldiers formed a long line. "Looking good," Mercer told them all as he and his comrades in arms walked up and down the line inspecting them, "Put on your buttons."
"Do we have to?" a trooper complained.
"We are still in the middle of a campaign here, LaFong," Mercer told him. With a large amount of sighs, the law enforcement men all pulled out large purple campaign buttons inscribed, MERCER'S ENFORCERS SAY, "NOBODY BEATS BURTON!" and pinned them on their uniforms. "All right, cover all the exits, let's move out!" he said, waving them toward the park. A crush of reporters met him there. "Mr. Mercer, George Haroldson has claimed that you're deliberating running away from the campaign trail," one of them asked him as he pushed his way through their midst, "Do you have any comment?"
"Unlike George Haroldson, I believe in efficiency," Mercer said grandly, "That's why I'm finishing what I started twenty years ago and bringing the Blues Brothers to the justice they deserve."
Loud boos rang out form a crowd of bystanders all dressed in black hats and sunglasses. "Ah, shut up or we'll tow you all in!" Marvin snarled at them. The crowd tossed refreshments at them all. "This is going to be fun, really, really fun," Suntzman grumbled, ducking several bags of popcorn, "Let's hope they have the decency to show after their legions come out in force like this."
Around the back entrance to City Walk, the guard at the gate waved for the car coming toward the gate to stop. "Evening Chuck," he told the driver, "What brings you here tonight?"
"Ronnie said he needed some filmstrips for the shoot on the back lot tomorrow," Betz pointed to the boxes in the rear of the car, "Go ahead and check them out if you want."
"That's OK Chuck," the guard waved him into the complex. Once the car was out of sight, Mack popped his head out of one of the boxes. "Check them out if you want?" he said incredulously to his driver, "You're lucky I didn't have a coronary!"
"Well you're in, aren't you?" Betz said, stopping the car near a sewer opening. "This leads directly underneath the stage," he informed them, popping the cover, "If I heard what your associates said correctly, they'll have set up coffins on the back of the stage for you to climb in and get revealed with, since this is the big horror studio historically, and since it's Halloween anyway."
"I've sensed the presence of the next part of the Relic down on the lower lot," Jake announced, "It's going to take a little creativity, but I think we can make this work, Elwood."
"Down in the sewers?" Zee looked a little unhappy with the thought.
"It's the only way, bud," Jake patted him on the shoulder, "All right, let's get in place, boys; it's ten minutes to show time."
Outside the new Sir Balan's Enchanted Journey ride near the drop off to the lower level, the crowds were starting to congregate around the stage Sam and Dave had built out in front of the attraction—the stage that had been built to look exactly like the blues club background Curtis had somehow created at the Palace Hotel Ballroom twenty years ago. On the back of the stage, Latifah looked around. "I hope they have good crowd control," she confided in Clarence, who was slipping on a sparkling blue tuxedo Betz had managed to find for him through the services of one of his friends in the Universal wardrobe department.
"Sweetie, I've played before larger and more raucous crowds than this," Clarence said, flexing his muscles, "This is nothing."
"Well did the army and highway patrol ever show up for any of them?" Latifah couldn't help noticing the authorities gathering in the back, holding their weapons high.
"Not for me," Clarence shrugged, "but why should we worry? It's them they're after."
"Easy for you to say," Mr. Fabulous snorted from behind his podium, "They weren't after us either, and we still got locked up for three years for conspiracy."
"Oh God, they got you for conspiracy?" Tom Scott gulped, "Remind me what I'm doing here again?"
"You can't back out now," Clarence informed them, "One thing Curtis and I always agreed on was finishing what we started." Turning back to the young attorney, he said, "Give me my intro."
Latifah nodded and walked out on stage. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we're proud to welcome you to Universal Studios Hollywood, for the launching of the ride for Sir Balan's Quest, the fastest film ever to reach one hundred million dollars," she announced to the crowd, who gave a surprisingly warm applause. "Our main show will begin momentarily," she continued, "but until then, he's one of the greatest rhythm and blues entertainers in the world, with over twenty songs reaching number one on the rhythm and blues charts. Won't you please welcome the legend of our time, Mr. Clarence Craycroft."
The applause was more scattered as Clarence strutted out to the center of the stage. Many of the audience members apparently had no idea whatsoever who he was. "Hello Los Angeles," he announced, "On behalf of the Blues Brothers, let's get this party started. Boys, give me 'John the Revelator.'"
"I never heard of that one," Mercer openly commented in the back row as the band struck up the number.
"You wouldn't, whitey," snorted the elderly black man next to him. Mercer paid no attention to the comment. "Well, at least the old guy's a good dancer, I'll give him that, don't you Ness," he asked his dog.
"Mr. Mercer, for the record, whose side are you on here?" Daniel raised an eyebrow at him.
In the tunnel underneath the park, Jake abruptly groaned loudly and sank to his knees. "What?" Elwood rushed to him, concerned.
"Hell's been breached," Jake moaned, clutching his chest, "The process is starting. We've got to stop this soon, or it's going to break wide open."
"But if it's going to break open now, why would they bother going through with their plans to release the devil on Halloween?" Zee inquired.
"Demons can get out, but the prince of darkness is permanently trapped in his realm unless those who believe his evil ways let him out," Jake explained, "And if Hell on Earth becomes a reality, then me and the quadrillions of other angels up there will fade away into absolutely nothing."
"So heaven will just disappear?" Katrina asked him, helping Elwood haul Jake to his feet.
"Exactly pumpkin," Jake told her, "And pogroms and lynchings and other nasty facets of our existence in the mortal world will become the rule rather than the exception."
Armstrong whimpered at this thought. "And you're not safe either, bud," Jake told the dog, "Animals will be beaten into servititude for his Darkness. You'll be a slave, essentially."
"Hey you guys," came the call from down the tunnel. Sam and Dave were waving to them. "Just a minute," Elwood called to them. "So are ya gonna be all right for tonight, Jake?" he asked his brother.
"I'll be fine," Jake said, rubbing his chest, "You and the others get up on stage and do your act, then you break off after a couple of numbers and come with me again. And good luck again."
Elwood nodded. He and the others strolled over to Sam and Dave. "I guess Mr. Betz told you how we're going to do the reveal tonight," the latter said, "We've rigged smoke machines inside to make your entrance more dramatic. Your pal Mr. Craycroft should be finishing up a minute or so. The signal is a three to one, got it."
"Got it," Elwood told him.
"So what about my idea?" Keith posed to the musician as they climbed up a ladder into the ride house. An emergency exit door was ajar, leading to the back of the stage and the coffins.
"Well, I guess we could close out with a couple of your songs while Jake and me get the Relic," Elwood reasoned, "But like I said, let's not overdo it. We are the Blues Brothers after all."
"I know," Keith agreed. Elwood slipped the briefcase handcuff onto his wrist and tossed Zee the key. "Don't lose it," he told him before slipping into the coffin on the far right, which bore his name. The back door slid shut behind him, leaving him in a tight squeeze. He could hear grunting to his left; apparently Mack's coffin was a bit too small for him. Elwood pressed his ear against the coffin lid. Clarence seemed to be putting on a fine show. It came to an end all too soon for him to enjoy, though, which meant his entrance was nigh. He tapped three times on the coffin door. He heard Clarence tap back once, followed by the strains of "Can't Turn You Loose." "And now for the moment you've been waiting for," Clarence announced to the crowd, "Here they come, straight from Calumet City, Illinois, the last pure bastion of blues in the nation, let's give a warm welcome to Elwood J. Blues and the Bluuuuuuuues Brothers!"
The coffin's internal smoke machines had started up, leaving Elwood coughing as he pushed the lid open and stumbled out on stage. He glanced out over the applauding crowd, many of whom were rather young looking. There had to be almost five hundred of them, crowding into every available part of the park. Apparently they weren't as forgotten a group as he'd first thought. "Like my pal Clarence said, good evening, L.A." he told them once the whole ritual with the briefcase had been played out again, "You know, back in Chicago, our foster Mom Sister Stigmata would take us out to the movies every Saturday afternoon, so they were kinda part of our lives like they are yours. On the special occasion of this new ride opening, we're gonna start the show off with an old favorite of mine, 'B Movie Box Car Blues.' Brother Zee?"
"One, two, one two three four!" Zee boomed in the cue to start the show. Elwood dug heavily into his harp with the rhythm. In the back of the crowd his saw the Black Diamond Riders and Good Old Boys pushing their way through the masses. Hopefully Jake had a few more tricks up his sleeve that would allow for another quick escape as he had back in Louisiana.
Speaking of Jake, his brother was now leaning on the back of the stage, snapping his fingers along with the beat. Nobody seemed to notice him, however, leading Elwood to believe he'd made himself invisible again. After the band had finished the first song and was halfway through "Rubber Biscuit" for the second one, he saw Jake gesture for him to come with him. "Good luck kid," he whispered over the equipment to Keith as he danced offstage. "So what've ya got, Jake?" he asked.
"Hold on," Jake took Elwood's hand, then sprouted his wings and soared off into the dusky air. He arced down the mountain toward the lower lot, and the old E.T. building. "Uh, ain't people gonna notice me floatin' in the air like this, Jake," Elwood had to ask.
"I've extended the veil to include you too, Elwood," Jake said. Elwood found further proof of this when the two of them passed through the solid roof of the building without any difficulties. Elwood glanced in amazement at his hands. "That's somethin' you don't see every day," he commented.
"Let me see now," Jake scanned the walls of the ride. He walked through several different sets, mumbling something under his breath. Finally, he stopped behind a police car and stared at what looked like a blank wall. Then he abruptly said something in a strange dialect that echoed loudly throughout the building—and from what Elwood could surmise as he covered his ears in pain, all the way down to San Diego. "Cherubese," Jake explained as a hole abruptly appeared in the wall, "It's what we speak upstairs most of the time when we don't use our earthly tongues. Follow me."
Elwood saw a long staircase descending down into the darkness. He shrugged and followed after his brother. Down and down they went, the passageway twisting and turning in all directions. Close to what Elwood figured was a half hour went by, with still no end in sight. "Couldn't we have just taken the elevator?" he panted, feeling like he'd gotten enough exercise for the rest of the year.
"You're not giving up, are you?" Jake asked him.
"Nope. This is fun, really Jake. Kinda like what that Larry Cotter kid goes through in each of his stories, Buster tells me."
"You're really out of touch with popular culture, you know that Elwood?" Jake said, but he was smiling.
The stairs finally came to an end. They were now in a small cavern with different passageways leading in all directions. Jake examined all of them slowly. "This way," he said finally, leading Elwood down the tunnel second from the left. The tunnel very quickly gave way to a rickety suspension bridge over a bottomless pit. Elwood gripped the sides tightly as they made their way over it. This is gonna hold, right?" he had to ask, "They always seem to fail in the movies."
"Just have faith, brother, and we'll make it," Jake said. Elwood tried to think positive thoughts. This apparently worked, as they made it over without falling. They were now in an even larger cavern, in the middle of which was…
"Hey who…?" Elwood started to say out loud, but Jake quickly make a "SHHHHH!" gesture at him, and for good reason. For in front of them was a giant red sleeping dragon. Its snores echoed loudly against the walls. Right behind it was an altar littered with dozens of glowing crosses of all sorts of precious jewels. The two brothers tiptoed past the dragon as quietly as they could. They looked over everything before them. "So which one is it?" Elwood asked in a barely audible whisper.
"We've got only one chance at this," Jake wasn't very reassuring, "If we pick the wrong one, we'll both be burned alive by fire and brimstone. See if you can help me on this, Elwood."
"How can I…" Elwood suddenly felt a sensation inside of himself, one he could explain. He glanced over the halves of crosses. An old, beaten-up one in the far corner seemed to be glowing. It didn't look like it was even remotely valuable, but Elwood knew immediately this was the piece they were looking for. He grabbed it. Nothing happened. Jake, however, was beaming. "You got it, Elwood," he lauded him, "I guess some of Father Solomon Delaney's vibes are in your bloodlines after all. Well, let's get this out of here while…"
Suddenly from the entrance came hundreds of unearthly shrieks. Jake turned pale. "Oh damn, I didn't realize they could do that yet!" he groaned out loud, which had the negative effect of waking the dragon up. It looked around at the trespassers into its lair and roared at the top of its lungs. A fireball erupted from its throat, destroying the altar behind it and sending the brothers diving for safety. To make matter worse, the chamber was abruptly invaded by hundreds of demons, which bore straight at Jake. The angel howled in pain as they attacked him. He was just alert enough to roll aside as another blast from the dragon fried the spot he'd been laying. "Elwood, the Relic!" he shouted, "Use it!"
"How?" Elwood asked, staring at it. A swipe from the dragon's front claw sent him scrambling. Several demons tried to grab at him—but were forced to recoil the moment they came close to the cross. Elwood stared at it. The next thing he knew, a fire extinguisher had materialized with it in his hands. He looked up to see the dragon rearing its head back for another blast of fire. Thinking quickly, he pulled the pin and fired a blast of water at the dragon's mouth just as it started exhaling flame. The dragon sputtered for a moment, then puffed out steam. Elwood had disabled its only weapon. Whimpering, it thundered off into the darkness in the back of the cavern. Feeling more confident, Elwood ran toward the demons attacking Jake, brandishing the cross. They immediately retreated once he got close. Jake groaned as he staggered to his feet. "Good thinking," he commended his brother, "Now let's fly."
Holding the cross out behind him to keep the demons at bay, he took Elwood's hand and raced at the speed of sound back across the bridge and up the stairs in less than fifteen seconds. Once back in the ride, he took the cross off Elwood and pressed it against the opening they just come through. It sealed itself in a blaze of fire. "That won't hold them for long," he confided in Elwood as they ran out the emergency exit, "Once they figure out…"
"FREEZE!" came an unexpected shout. The building was surrounded by dozens of cops with their firearms raised. "It's all over, Elwood!" Daniel told him, "There's nowhere left for you to run!"
"I don't think so, boys," Jake stepped in front of his brother. Several guns fell to the ground as troopers jumped in shock. "But you're dead!" somebody shouted.
"Funny about death, no matter how dead they may seem, they always come back one way or another, am I right, James Malvern Suntzman?" Jake's statement was aimed directly at the warden in the back of the crowd. His voice had an almost venomous tinge to it, Elwood thought If it was meant to intimidate Suntzman, it did; the warden was now white in the face. "You're not real!" he was shrieking, making the sign of the cross, "You can't be!"
"If I weren't real, could I do THIS?" Jake took a deep breath and blew an incredibly thick stew of fog at the cops. Cries of, "I can't see!" rang out as the law enforcement agents stumbled around blindly in the soup. Jake snapped his fingers, and the Bluesmobile magically appeared in front of Elwood and himself. "Floor it," Jake instructed him as he tossed the cross into the glove compartment, "They should be almost done up top."
"Right," Elwood hit the accelerator. The Bluesmobile lurched toward the escalators to the upper lot, only to find it blocked by jeeps full of heavily armed soldiers. With no other option, Elwood swerved into the Jurassic Park ride queue, sending park patrons jumping into the bushes for cover. "Don't mind us," Elwood called out the window at them, "Just another chase, nothin' to worry about."
There was a splash as the Bluesmobile landed in the water and started driving along the ride's length. The fact that the water was coming up over the hood, leaving Elwood with a waterline view of the route ahead of him, didn't seem to be slowing down the car any bit. He didn't have time to take much in, however, several police, FBI, and army cars were following his lead. Several of them were clearly flooding out from his viewpoint at the top of the rise, but others had enough power to continue the chase. "Welcome to Jurassic Park," Elwood mused as he plowed through the big gate.
"Very nice this ride," Jake said, waving to a fake stegosaurus off the port side, "Went through it invisibly a couple of times after it was built."
"Seems to be," Elwood wasn't fazed when a raptor abruptly lurched out of the water on the starboard side. He checked the odometer. They were going a respectable sixty miles an hour despite the water. The cops behind them seemed to be able to get to fifty, tops. "You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to lose them," Jake pointed out, "At least with your little escapade in the river a few years ago, we know you can work this baby well in these conditions."
"I never tried these conditions though," Elwood had reached the lift hill into the central control building, but was finding traction difficult halfway up. He poured it all on as the wheels spun. "Just put it in neutral," Jake suggested, "We are going up after all."
"Right,." Elwood realized sheepishly. The authorities had gotten the same idea, and as such were still right on his tail as they reached the top and swerved past raging tyrannosauruses and other carnivores. Ahead of them loomed the big drop. "Start believing," Jake said cryptically, then squeezed his face tight as if concentrating. Elwood caught on and stared ahead at the jump, thinking, "I'M GONNA MAKE THIS." His faith paid off beautifully, as the Bluesmobile soared over the fall and crashed through the wall, landing on the hillside outside. The pursuing cop cars' attempts to follow resulted only in them falling down the drop and crashing in a heap at the bottom of the ride.
"It just takes faith," Jake patted his brother on the back for believing, "They should be into the closing number right about now, so head back to the stage; we'll pick them all up."
"Gotcha," Elwood shifted into third gear and trudged up the steep slope to the upper lot. Once they crested the hill, they crashed through the Terminator 2-3D building rather pointlessly, crushing a Terminator robot and making the audience cry out in awe, apparently thinking this was all part of the show. More police and FBI units were hot on their trail as they smashed out the back of the building and made a beeline for the stage. Their associates were crowded on the edge of the stage, waiting for them as they finished their last song. Elwood blew the horn to clear a path, then dug out the Bluesmobile's remote control and pulled the door trigger as he braked to a stop. "What took you guys?" Zee demanded as they all piled in and Elwood sped off, "We were running out of songs."
"Hell tried to stop us directly, but we got away just in time," Jake told him. He was clutching the wound in his chest from where he'd been slashed by the demons. "Head for the tram tour Elwood; we might be able to lose them in there."
"Right," Elwood steered his car toward the stairs leading to the world-famous tour, "Should we call Babs and let her know we're comin'?"