Itsy-Bitsy-Kidsy
WARNING! Chapter contains: Plenty of crack, a rabid Mary-Sue, minimal OOCness, and, if your a Law fan, wanting to kill the author for what she wrote. DISCLAIMER: I don't own One Piece!
So sorry for the late update! Crazy week! Special thanks to Insomania, Vampire Revan, 13QuarterQueen13, Me, and trunksfan002 for reviewing my latest chapters! Now, ONWARD WITH THE STORY!
Kid realized how truly screwed he was when the gigantic, waterproof door was shut behind him. Oh, how that noise would haunt him! Traumatic experiences aside, the redhead was concerned with his age, and what it limited him to. Luckily for him, Law had all the answers.
"Oi, Fawga," Kid tugged on the doctor's shirt, "do yoo 'ow how owd I am?" (Oi, Trafalgar, do you know how old I am?) The doctor stopped in his tracks, not far from the door, and shifted the baby captain to his hands.
"I'd say you're about…" Kid squealed lightly when Law lifted him to eye-level and bounced him to guess his weight. "Nine to ten months. Just a tad shy of a year." He returned the redhead to a much safer position and began walking again.
"An' da meens?" Kid had a terrible feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"It means we're going to blow the first two million on diapers and formula alone," Law replied bluntly. He failed to notice the expression of pure horror Kid was giving him. You know the one; eyes the size of dinner plates, perfect "o" of a mouth, face blown up three times normal size.
"Yuw jo'ig, wigh?" (You're joking, right?) Law shook his head, and Kid feigned death from embarrassment. "Espwais why babies don' wemembe amyfig…" (Explains why babies don't remember anything) He muttered. In only a few moments, the pair had reached the infirmary, and the awaiting crew.
"Well, everyone, meet our temporary charge," Law held Kid at an angle so everyone could see him. The South Blue captain blushed as red as his somewhat wispy hair when a chorus of "Aw's" drifted to him. The doctor smirked and laid Kid back down on the same bed as earlier, only to wrap him even tighter in the same blanket.
"Sencho…" Penguin trailed as he offered up the small, black rucksack. The redheaded baby made him fairly nervous, given who that infant really was. Law noticed the sudden wave of uneasiness that crashed over his subordinates and took action. Taking Kid's bag in his left hand, and Kid himself in his right, the doctor walked off in the direction of his private room, but stopped at the door.
"Set a course for Sabaody Archipelago," Law smirked happily. "We're going shopping."
Kid really felt like killing himself at that very moment.
After a good two minutes' walk through stairs, steamy hallways, and emergency flood doors, Law's bedroom was finally reached. The redhead was slightly taken aback by the respectable size of the room itself, and the amount of light that two small portholes let in.
A king-sized, rounded bed that had the Heart Pirates' Jolly Roger on it took up a fair portion of the floor, but most of the other furniture was rather compact. Kid rolled his eyes when he noticed the spotted wallpaper and thick, white carpeting; in the corner of his eye, he saw, what he believed to be, the bathroom door. They were nice digs and all, but the posh lounge in the corner of the room was taking it a teeny bit too far.
"Oi, be cawfuw wif da' suff!" (Oi, be careful with that stuff!) Kid scolded Law when he tossed his bag onto the bed; he was easily ignored. The redhead practically flew out of the doctor's arms when he was close enough to the bed, and struggled to crawl, with just his arms, to the center.
"At least you can move on your own," Law sighed as he stretched out on his belly next to the South Blue captain. He had to suppress a snort as he watched Kid grapple with the stuck zipper on the front of the knapsack—baby hands are not dexterously advanced. After several minutes of tugging, squeezing, and going nowhere, the doctor plucked the bag out of Kid's grasp, pulled the fabric away from the slide, opened it, and gave it back.
Kid did not appreciate Law's help in the slightest, and made sure to let him know.
"Oi! Wha da hew do yoo finch yuw do'ig? I was fi' oh mah ow', asshow!" he pouted as he went through the bag. "Mmmm… Whewe is if?" (Oi! What the hell do you think you're doing? I was fine on my own, asshole! Mmmm… Where is it?) Soon, Kid had his entire arm shoved deep inside the main pocket, blindly searching for a valuable. He sat up on his rather pudgy knees and forced his face inside, not that it did much. The redhead's blanket had fallen off and bunched around his legs, but still covered his "area of concern."
"What are you looking for, anyway?" Law asked, cool as ever. He had turned to his side, parallel to Kid, and propped his face on his left hand, elbow digging into the mattress.
"If yoo mus' mow, mah goggews. I'm shuwe Kiwe pached dem fow meh," (If you must know, my goggles. I'm sure Killer packed them for me.) He replied, still shifting through sack with his head. Kid had owned those goggles since before he was even a pirate; he wore them around his neck when they were too big for his forehead. Despite the fact that he couldn't wear them in any way at that moment, he always felt complete when they were in his sight.
"You mean these?" the doctor said as he removed Kid's precious headgear from his back pocket. The South Blue baby instantly yanked his noggin out and tried to snatch them from Law's hand, but completely missed. Kid blinked and tried again, succeeding. Slipping the goggles over his head, he frowned when fell past his navel.
"Why did yoo ha' dem im yow poche? Did'm yoo gi' dem oo Kiwe?" (Why did you have them in your pocket? Didn't you give them to Killer?) The redhead wondered aloud as he held them in front of his eyes, checking for cracks and damage. Law had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from laughing at such an adorable sight, and answered in his usual monotone voice.
"I guess the two of us forgot about it. I've also got your coat and pants; your boots were nowhere to be seen."
"Fievig bich," Kid huffed, which turned into his trademark sadistic grin. "I'w ge' dem bach whe' I kich hew ass!" (Thieving bitch. I'll get them back when I kick her ass!) Judging from the evil gleam in his eye, he meant to say, "When I beat her within an inch of her pathetic life." Out of the blue, Kid's wild smile turned into an expression of growing concern.
"What's the matter, Eustass-ya?" Law inquired in his usual tone, one eye closed.
"Do yoo ha' a miwwow, Fawga? I 'eed oo see wha I wook wike," (Do you have a mirror, Trafalgar? I need to see what I look like.) Kid replied honestly. The doctor nodded and rolled off the bed, pulling a small circle of glass from his cube-like nightstand. The redhead held it carefully between his palms; his fingers were almost a lost cause. Law smirked as the baby captain re-angled the mirror repeatedly, as if changing the way he saw himself would fix the problem.
"Well, I think you're quite adorable, Chibi-Eustass-ya," the grey-eyed man teased. Of course, Kid easily fell for the taunt.
"Do'm caw meh da! I'm aw'te cue, dami'!" (Don't call me that! I'm not cute, damnit!) He shrieked. Too bad he was totally wrong—bad for him, I mean.
His gravity-defying, thick hair was obviously thinned down, but maintained its bloody color. Multiple cowlicks around Kid's crown allowed it to appear vertical, as it had since his hair first grew in. Skin that was normally milky white had a healthy, pinkish tint on his face, and was soft all over his body. The baby captain's yellowish eyes had been de-aged into a pair of large, clear orbs, and his pupils were slightly dilated, giving him an intelligent expression, but still making him as cute as a button.
Kid grasped the mirror in one hand and opened his mouth, pulling his delicate, sensitive lips away from his gums, revealing five or more teeth. The ironic thing was, he still lacked eyebrows; that didn't seem to bother him in the slightest. The redhead sighed and put the mirror down by Law, who silently put it away and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen.
"Get over it," the tired-looking man scolded as he tested the writing utensil. "You're a baby until your crew finds Jewelry, but that could take some time. She probably left that island as quickly as she could, and the conditions were perfect for a getaway." Law continued to depress Kid as he scratched down a shopping list, when a ripple crashed through the submarine.
"Wha de fuch was da'?" (What the fuck was that?) The redhead cried as Law acted like nothing happened.
"We just submerged. You'll get used to it," the doctor replied as he wrote down "Pacifier" on the list. If it meant shutting Kid up for long enough to regain a smidgen of sanity, he would buy a freaking wet-nurse. He knew what was going to come out of that baby's mouth. "We should be at Sabaody in about 15 minutes."
"Awigh…" Kid trailed off as he adjusted his blanket to a more useful position. He spoke up once more. "Whewe am I sweepig?" (Alright… Where am I sleeping?)
"In here. Specifically, in a playpen," Law answered. Normally, he would've ignored the frustrated glare he was receiving, but chose to respond to it. "Is there a problem with that, Eustass-ya?"
"A'mf I jus' ache de fu'om?" (Can't I just take the futon?) He motioned towards the small sofa in the corner.
"Because, in this state, you're incredibly fragile. If you fall off the side and hit your head, you could die." Infallible logic—one; Kid's dignity and pride—zero. After a moment of silence, Law leaned over to the redhead's bag and removed the bills from the side pockets, counting over them to be sure of the budget. Eventually, the calmness of the room and Kid's fatigue set in, and he laid down for a catnap.
He woke up in Law's arms, walking down a street in Sabaody's tourist grove, but wore an ill-fitting shirt and a diaper.
"Um, WHA DE FUCH HAPPEMD?" (Um, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?) Kid shrieked in the doctor's ear. He flinched slightly, but answered in his usual smartass tone as they entered a near-empty restaurant. Bepo and Penguin were with them, trailing behind by ten feet or so.
"After you fell asleep on my bed, we arrived here. I sent some of my nakama out ahead of time to purchase diapers for you, they returned, I dressed you, and we went out. We're getting lunch here, then buying you some clothes," Law explained as they took a seat in an oversized booth. Kid was most certainly not satisfied with his answer.
"If yow geff'ig meh cwoffes wa'er, whewe did dis come fwom?" (If you're getting me clothes later, where did this come from?) Kid tugged on the orange shirt that hung down to the center of his bottom (kinda looked like a dress). Suddenly, his eyes outgrew his head and the youthful, pink blush on his cheeks darkened to a harsh red. Law vocalized his horrified thought.
"Yes, I dressed you like a normal baby. Get used to it, since infants don't have control over the muscles in their cores," the expression of pure terror and humiliation increased, but the redhead remained mute. "About the shirt; when I still lived in the North Blue and Bepo was a small cub, my older sisters liked to dress him up. He gets attached to things easily, which is why he has it to this day. It's on a temporary loan."
Bepo denied that he kept the clothing by choice, and Penguin called him a liar. Bepo said he was sorry seconds later.
"By the was, Eustass-ya," Law muttered while the others argued, "try to act like a normal baby when we're in public. That means: no using recognizable language, no giving random people death-glares, and above all else, avoid attracting attention to yourself."
"Ochay, bu' why did yoo bwig meh awo'g, den? Yoo cowd've weff meh behimd an' we' meh sweep." (Okay, but why did you bring me along, then? You could've left me behind and let me sleep.) Kid stated, annoyed that he had to travel with this freak show. (A/N: You're one to friggin' talk, dumbass!)
"Are you hungry, Eustass-ya?" he questioned in an expecting tone; a gurgle from the redheaded baby's stomach gave an answer. Just then, a waitress in a forest-green uniform and black apron came up to them, her muddy-brown hair in short pigtails. She seemed friendly enough, a bit naïve and quite stupid, if you asked Law. When he first saw her, that is.
"Hello, my name's Starling, but you can call me Star, and I'll be your server for today," she burbled pointlessly. Law, being an asshole, gave her his best "You're pissing me off" look, which she was too much of a ditz to notice. After ordering their meals, Star winked like failing flirt at the doctor, twirled in place, and skipped off to the kitchen. Penguin was blushing, normal for when women were around, and muttering that he loved the Archipelago.
Upon the slow waitress' return with their food, Kid involuntarily whimpered with hunger, causing her to notice.
"Oh my goodness!" she cried and bent at the waist, flaunting her panties to the floor. "She has got to be the most precious thing I have ever seen! What's her name? How old is she?"
"He is ten months. His name is Kid," the doctor forced the correct pronouns, much to Kid's approval. The redhead was sitting up in Law's lap, and reached toward his platter of food, only to come up short.
"What a nice name…" Star's eyes turned to wistful mush as she lusted for a certain man. Inside her head, she was glomping the man with the furry hat and baby as he pledged his eternal love for her, carrying her off to a chapel and living happily ever after together. After just a little bit more flirting, of course.
"Excuse me, but I have to feed him now," Law warned her as she leaned in too closely. He ended up receiving a direct face full of her chest, mostly because she was in a tight, V-necked shirt. Bepo began to growl deep in his throat, instincts screaming at him to protect his captain and former caretaker.
There goes her tip. Kid mused internally as, and this was right above him, people, the doctor began to lose air. However, before Law passed out, Fate took pity on him and made the irritable cook call her back to help clean. Star unhooked herself from Law, blew him a gigantic air kiss from a foot away, and dirty danced away.
"Gwea' pwace, dis is,"(Great place, this is) Kid baited as the doctor cleared the sparks from his eyes with deep breathing. Penguin was firing envious glare after another at his captain, wishing that Shachi were there to talk to. However, the portion of the crew quickly got over the uncomfortable incident, and began to eat their lunch. Law had ordered a plain scrambled egg and rice for Kid, and was mixing the two together make feeding him less of an effort.
"Here," the Surgeon of Death offered a spoon of the rice mixture to Kid's mouth. He wasn't surprised in the least when the redhead refused. In fact, he was counting on it.
"I cam feed mah sewf." (I can feed myself.) The South Blue captain snatched the utensil in a loose fist, spilling it all over his outfit before it ever reached his face. Kid squatted on his knees and attempted refilling the spoon, but consecutively missed the bowl. In a flash, Law confiscated the spoon, had the redhead in his left arm, and was force-feeding his man-crush.
"You have zero depth perception. Just give it up, Eustass-ya," he explained as Kid squirmed. His stomach gave out, and he allowed himself to be fed, though he hated every second of it. Shortly after finishing, Kid began to feel satisfied and rather drowsy, and slipped into a state of hazy semi-consciousness while sucking on the tip of a straw that Law had given him. It was once in a glass of water that no one wanted.
"Check, please," Penguin ordered the busboy that came by for their cleaned plates, who nodded in response. A curly-headed waiter dropped off the bill, for which the Surgeon of Death was grateful. They had just paid and were at the door when Star's Glomp Senses were tingling; Law was not getting off that easily.
"Wait!" she screamed as the kitchen door irreparably slammed into the wall. "Don't go! We're destined to be together!"Law made the horrible mistake of turning around.
"Holy fuck!" he screeched even louder than her. For some strange reason, the noise barely bothered Kid, who continued to doze peacefully. She barreled toward him at roughly 200 miles per hour, face distorted with hunger and determination.
"You will be mine!" Star cried as they made very painful contact. Just before the impact, Law curled into ball around Kid, successfully protecting him, but the bitch could tackle like a freaking pro! The wall cracked with the effort of catching the Devil Fruit user, who was pinned to the floor after he slid down, nerves firing messages to his brain in the form of acute pain. Something wet and warm dripped onto his face, slowly sliding down past his chin—blood.
Well, he was half right; the back of his head was barely bleeding and his shoulder was popped, but the moisture between his eyebrows had a separate source. Star was drooling on him. Law cracked his eyes open, only to have them assaulted by her grotesque, animalistic countenance. Fearing for Kid's life as well as his own, he held the baby redhead closer to his chest with his good arm, cringing as saliva spilled into his eyes.
"Get the fuck off me," the dark-haired choked out, his gut being forced into his spine by the rabid female's weight. To make matters worse, Kid finally woke up, received a face-full of Star, and was instantly scared out of his wits.
"We're supposed to live happily ever after," Star growled, more beastly than ever. "Be my husband!"
"Bepo!" Law screamed, blinded by spit. The stunned polar bear snapped into attention at his captain's voice, "GET THIS CRAZY BITCH OFF ME!" Obeying, Bepo body-slammed the waitress-turned-demon, sending her flying at twice the speed Law had reached.
"Sencho!" Penguin cried in concern as he helped his captain sit up. Law laid Kid in his lap and wiped his face off with his hand, left shoulder throbbing uncontrollably. The polar bear crewmate took up a fighting stance, but Star was down for the count, much to everyone's relief. Law grit his teeth, gripped his injured shoulder, and a sickening POP rang out as he reset the dislocated joint. Before the dust had even settled, the cook and owner of the restaurant came rushing forth, their words jumbling into nonsense.
"W-We're t-terribly sorry about this," the female owner stuttered once she had calmed down a degree. The pair was on their knees in front of Law, begging for him not to press charges and to keep it a secret. "Star is our daughter, and, although she has a tendency to do things like this when attractive men are around, we can't afford any more employees. If the Marines fine out, they'd shut us down as a hazard to public safety!" As they continued to plead, the doctor tuned them out.
"I don't care if she does this every day." He cut them off. "Just let us leave, and I'll ignore the fact that she scarred my little friend for life." And with that, Law summoned Bepo, stood up, and evacuated the eatery before anything else could go horribly wrong.
"How cam yoo be so cawm afew da? She waz tewwifyig!" (How can you be so calm after that? She was terrifying!) Kid shook, still feeling her hot, moist breath on his face.
"Eh, it's not the first, nor the last, time that's happened. Now, which way to the infant clothing store?"
Kid gave up all hope at that very moment.
PLEASE READ THIS!
Want to kill me yet? No? Good. Yes? I probably deserve it. Yeah, about the wild waitress-I don't really know how she got in there. It suddenly went from 'annoying, stupid waitress' to 'rabid, Law glomping Mary-Sueish fangirl.' THIS IS THE LAST AMOUNT OF CRACK, TO THIS DEGREE, YOU WILL FIND IN THIS STORY.
Trust me, it was spur of the moment. Now, I want EVERYONE'S opinion on it. REVIEW OR I KILL LAW OFF IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! GRRRR!