Itsy-Bitsy-Kidsy

WARNING! Chapter contains: Bad singing, possible drunken OOCness, a sick Killer, and some naughty music. DISCLAIMER! I don't own One Piece or the songs you're about to see.

I am soooooooo sorry for the late update. School's started and my dad just had surgery, so I don't know when the next chapter will be posted. Anywho, thank you Lindsey, Kurayami Angel, Vanillaworld, and Vampire Revan for reviewing.

It had been over a week since Kid's meltdown and Law's promise; only days after Killer's mega flip out. Hmm, while we're on the subject of the Kid Pirates first mate, how 'bout a glimpse at what went down? Yes? Wonderful, here it is!

"Killer-san, are you okay? You haven't left your quarters in days," Bat-chan stated as he rapped on the door. A noise that sounded like a cross between an exhausted moan and a cat being slowly stepped on rippled through the hardwood, followed by a slow, loud thumping. Killer answered the door, mask off, wild blond bangs covering half his face, but a long scar that started at his chin and traveled upwards to his hairline was partially visible. He looked like crap, and scared it out of his nakama.

"What do you want?" he growled, emanating irritation and fatigue. The mesh wearing man stumbled backwards at the awful smell that wafted toward him, coming off Killer at an equally strong level as the negativity. Only once before had something like this happened, but not at such a great magnitude, and almost no one remembered it. "I'm busy."

"We're worried about your state of health. You've been holed up in there since Captain left-"

"I know, damnit! If you want me to leave the room, just say so! I don't need to be reminded of everything that's going on at every moment of the day!" Killer was fuming—waving his arms upward and ranting like a (you guessed it) teenage girl. Soon, Bat-chan, despite his elevated height, was cowering before his enraged crewmate, and it only went for bed to worse when Killer dashed back inside. He emerged with his scythes spinning in a blur, still perpetually bitching. "Get off my fucking back!"

"NYAAAAAAA!" Bat had just enough time to duck, but lost the tops of his antenna in the process. Leaping away as far as he could go and with Killer in hot pursuit, a mad chase ensued as the first mate went on a sleep-deprived rampage. The remaining crew was easily alerted and rushed out on to the deck, only to be greeted by the temporarily psychopathic blonde trying to murder them and Bat-chan trying to distract him.

"Killer! Get a grip!" Eddie barked at the no-longer-masked man and pulled put his twin blades, prepared to use lethal force. Most of the men brandished rifles or broadswords, but backed off when Eddie motioned for them to defend themselves and Killer sliced the end of Bat-chan's trident off. Fortunately, they were a part of the fraction of people who remembered how to subdue the first mate without getting maimed, and set their plan in motion. "Oi, Bat, what's got Killer so upset?"

"I think Captain's absence must have something to do with it!" That was all he needed to know.

"Killer. Calm down." Eddie's voice was back to normal, even though he was usually silent. The important thing was, he got Killer's attention.

"What the fuck do you want?" the 'Massacre Soldier' was utterly hysterical. He charged the blue-haired man and tried to cut his shoulders, but Eddie caught them with his own blades. Killer was locked in place, vulnerable from his tunnel vision, and he was too tired to keep his assault strong. Plus, he was totally oblivious to Bat-chan taking a moment to tinker with his weapon, and then shove the center prong into his upper thigh. The blond collapsed to the deck in a heap, unconscious.

"How much did you give him?" As it turned out, the cape-clad crewman's trident held substances in each tip of his weapon: poison, tranquilizers, and usually, another chemical that he rarely used. Never even told anyone what it was. But the point is, he drugged Killer.

"A bit less than last time. Captain had to hold him down as hard as he could before, but it felt like he was giving it his all just to chase me down. Something's definitely wrong." Bat-chan replied as he knelt down next to the panting nutcase and flipped him on to his back. Eddie summoned the ship's doctor from the small crowd of nakama to see what was up with Killer. He gave the diagnosis of a high fever, most likely from his increased stress and lack of sleep. He hadn't been eating well either.

After carefully removing his scythes, Killer was carried back to his room by Bat-chan, where he was tied down to his bed and treated. He slept through the night and most of the next day, while Eddie found a lead to Jewelry Bonney. It was a slim chance, but they had to try.

At the Heart Pirates' ship, everyone had fallen into a steady routine over the week; the only thing that varied was what Kid did to entertain himself. From training his severely weakened powers with a few members of the crew to checking out a few books Law had on basic surgical procedures, he was almost never bored. Speaking of Law, he carried the badmouthed chigger (a type of small red bug) every-freaking-where! Kid had only crawled a few times, and once, just once, was he ever held by another crewmate, and that was Bepo. Was only for a few seconds at that…

Kid was quickly removed from his train of though by Law picking him up off the shag carpet he had been reading on and carting him off to bed. That did not go over well.

"Wha awe yoo do'ig? Is owy eigh!" (What are you doing? It's only eight!) The South Blue captain protested, to no avail. He was stuffed inside those ridiculous panda-themed pajamas and tucked into bed; Law bade him goodnight and clicked the lights off, closing the door silently. Kid slowly felt himself become unbearable tired, and drifted off into sleep, surrounded by plush warmth. He hadn't noticed it, but he was still sucking on his pacifier as he nodded off.

But for the strangest reason, he dreamt of some invisible female cackling in glee as he struggled to crawl through fire. He didn't know why, but he had an overwhelming vibe that a person he cared deeply about was in distress, and just ahead of him. Later, the ground began to shake in a heavy, low rhythm, and awoke to his entire crib shaking.

"Wha da hew is go'ig om?" (What the hell is going on?) Kid squawked as he heard the wooden bars rattle slightly. A steady thrumming and faint music assaulted the redhead, who was both fascinated and confused at the same time. Knowing that sleep would be utterly impossible with such racket, and being foolishly curious, Kid decided to investigate.

Just one problem.

"Ow, how do I ge' ou a hewe?" (How do I get out of here?) The chibi-captain mumbled around his sucky as he sat with his legs crossed and hand pressed to chin, devising an escape plan. Only took him five minutes—a new record! As it turned out, the bars were to close together to squeeze your head through, but there were miniscule latches in the very top corners that released the whole front side. Kid had to stand up to flick the handle out of the way, and smugly patted himself on the back as the wall of wood slid downwards. Unfortunately, it only made it a little over half way, but it was just enough.

"Hewe we go…" the redhead emptied his bed of everything shock absorbent, aside from the mattress. He then vaulted over the barricade, landing with a soft thud. Since the teddy bear had broken his fall the best, Kid chose to bring it along, just in case. Luckily for him, there were snaps on the paws, and he clicked it around his neck; the first part of his journey was almost complete. All he had to do was get to the door and find the source if the awful sound, which was way easier said than done. Kid started to crawl, the thick carpet making him wobble in his mittens, but he reached the door without a problem.

His next obstacle: opening the damn door.

Kid stared up at the handle with menace; calculating if using his powers would be a good idea. He'd gotten better over the week, but was afraid that he would conk out if he tried. Bracing himself, the ginger aimed his Devil Fruit ability at the metal knob, and forced it to turn, sweat starting to break out already. A click, and he tuned it to pull towards him. When the door was just barely out of its frame, he released his magnetic grip and flopped forward, drained.

Can't give up now! The pep talk seemed to have worked wonders, as Kid was pinching the edge of the steel door, pulling it ever so far enough for him to slither out. The hallway was slightly brighter than the bedroom, but not painfully so. If memory served the South Blue captain, the room full of cushions and chairs was in the same direction as the noise, which made plenty sense. With his destination in mind, Kid set off, following the light and clamor. The journey seemed to take forever, compared to when Law carried him, but sooner than expected, the deep echo became clearer.

Somebody was singing—and very poorly.

Upon his arrival at the entertainment room, Kid was exhausted, pissed, and ready to get back at Law, but every though vacated his head in mere seconds. The room was still rather dark, but the stage at the end of the room had been raised, and had equipment all over it. Karaoke equipment.

What the fuck… Folding card tables had been set up in random spots, most covered in liquor bottles and bar food, but some were being used for their original purpose. Poker was being played by boiler-suited men in beanbag chairs, 90% of which were smashed beyond logic and reason. Check that, those who were singing were at the brink of collapsing from alchohol; the players were far more sober. Because there were just lamps on the tables and a few pointed at the stage, Kid could hardly make out who was who.

The "music" was horribly loud, forcing the redhead to navigate his way over the filthy floor to escape it. He bumped into everything at least once, but generally managed to not get killed by anything, feet and broken glass included. He finally reached the opposite wall, but was given quite a surprise.

"Captain Kid!" Bepo gasped upon seeing the adorable baby. He scooped Kid up in his gigantic paws before he could protest. "What are you doing here?"

"Yoo woch meh up," (You woke me up) the redhead responded after spitting out his binky, and then involuntarily replaced it.

"Sorry… Captain didn't think it would get too loud…" the polar bear held Kid up high so he could bow his head, effectively freaking him out.

"MMMMMMHHH! PM MM MMM!" he shrieked from behind his pacifier. It only made him go higher as Bepo bowed deeper. Jean Bart, who was sitting in the darkest corner, saw it and took action.

"Bepo, you're scaring him. Stop doing that." He hadn't even bothered to open both eyes, but it worked, though, Bepo handed Kid over to Bart. For the ginger, that was twice as weird. He was HUGE and always so quiet…the two had minimal contact over the week, but as Kid sat in his palm, he realized it was better than the floor. But, it was still awkward and embarrassing for the redhead.

"So, whas go'ig owm?" Kid called over the noise. "Why is Fawga do'ig dis?" (So, what's going on? Why is Trafalgar doing this?)

"Captain has a party like this every month. It starts with cards, but everyone gets drunk, so they start singing," Bepo answered as plopped down next to the giant-sized man. "This is Jean Bart's first time, proving that I am superior."

"Figuwes he wud do somfig wike dis. Wha am idio." Kid ridiculed as he relaxed. "Boosh?" (Figures he would do something like this. What an idiot. Booze?)

Bepo shook his head. "Captain would skin us all alive if we let you."

"Why wud he do da?" (Why would he do that?) The ginger failed to see the problem of giving a baby alchohol. Jean Bart took the liberty of pointing it, only to be interrupted by a new singer. Or singers. Penguin and Shachi were wasted enough to give it a go, and a very obnoxious tune began to play.

Hi, Barbie! Hi, Ken! You wanna go for a ride?
Sure, Ken!Jump in...

Shachi had taken the male voice, "Ken," whilst Penguin chose the part of "Barbie." Kid was scared to see where it was going as the letters on a visual Den Den Mushi highlighted themselves.

I'm a Barbie Girl, in the Barbie World
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere; imagination, life is your creation!

Come on, Barbie, let's go party!

I'm a Barbie Girl, in the Barbie World
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere; imagination, life is your creation!
I'm a blond, bimbo girl in the fantasy world
Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly!

You're my doll, rock 'n 'roll, feel the glamour in pink Kiss me here touch me there, hanky panky…

You can touch, you can play
If you say, "I'm always yours" (u-oh)
I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie World
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere; imagination, life is your creation!

Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (u-oh, u-oh)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (u-oh, u-oh)

Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please
I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees…

Come jump in, bimbo friend
Let us do it again
Hit the town, fool around Let's go party!

You can touch, you can play
If you say, "I'm always yours"
You can touch, you can play
 If you say, "I'm always yours"

Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (u-oh, u-oh)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on, Barbie, lets go party! (u-oh, u-oh)

I'm a Barbie Girl, in the Barbie World
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere; imagination, life is your creation!
I'm a Barbie Girl, in the Barbie World
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere; imagination, life is your creation!

Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (u-oh, u-oh)
Come on Barbie, let's go party! (ah-ah-ah-yeah)
Come on, Barbie, let's go party! (u-oh, u-oh)

Oh, I'm having so much fun!

Well, Barbie, we're just getting started…

Oh, I love you, Ken!

"I thought they were straight," Jean Bart muttered as the friends staggered off the stage, more plastered than plastic. Kid shrugged, unable to take his eyes off the stage.

"I'm jus supwised dey go' ih awe. Day'we eifew gawy, ow nah a dwunch as dey wooch. Maybeh bof." (I'm just surprised they got it all. They're either gay, or not as drunk as they look. Maybe both.) The South Blue baby remarked as tipsy applause rang out. He was tired and still upset from all the noise, but Kid wanted to stick around, maybe play some cards or bitch at Law. However, something even more bizarre than Penguin and Shachi rocking out to some annoyingly catchy song about a kid's toy came into his field of vision—a drunken Law. Actually, a very intoxicated, disheveled Law who was grinning like an idiot and on the verge of collapsing, climbing up the platform and grabbing the mic. "Oh, fuch."

"Hehehe," the raven giggled into the Baby Den Den Mushi on a pole. "This one goes out to (hic) Eustass-ya! Wish you were here you stupid, sexy bastard!"

Every drop of blood in Kid's face drained away, only to be replaced by what occupied the rest of his veins. Kid removed the stuffy from his neck and attempted to smother himself with it, having never felt so much embarrassment since his first diaper change. As the song began, a tempo that resembled a nervous heartbeat started, and Law's performance from hell did, too.

Ha-ha, well now, we call this the act of mating
But there are several other very important differences between human beings and animals that you should know about.

The lyrics stopped for a moment, Kid contemplated suicide. Also, how'd that girly-man's voice get so low all of a sudden?

I'd appreciate your input.

Sweat baby, sweat baby
Sex is a Texas drought me, and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants, and I bet you'll feel nuts
Yes, I'm Siskel, yes, I'm Ebert, and you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough, you're out of bounds
I want you smothered, want you covered like my Waffle House hash browns
Comin' quicker than FedEx, never reached an apex
Just like Coca-Cola stock, you are inclined to make me rise an hour early just like daylight savings time!

DO IT NOW!

You an me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (do it again now)
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like do on the Discovery Channel (gettin' horny now)

Another acoustic break, Kid was really going to kill himself, the only problem: how?

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt, only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics?
Let me be Pacific, I wanna be down in your south sea
But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means "Small craft advisory"
So if I capsize in your thighs
High tide, B-5, you sunk my battle ship
Please turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee with an automatic drip
So show me yours, I'll show you mine
"Tool Time"
You'll love it just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style so we can both watch X-Files

DO IT NOW!

You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (do it again now)
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (gettin' horny now)

He didn't know or care what a "Discovery Channel" or half the lyrics were, Kid was going to murder Law, then follow him straight to Hell.

You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (do it again now)
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do I like they do on the Discovery Channel

DO IT NOW!

You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (do it again now)
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (gettin' horny now)

The letters stopped abruptly, but the acoustics continued. Law, too stopped suddenly, and collapsed, too friggin' drunk to stand. Wolf whistles and cheers ensued as Bepo weaved his way through the crowd to collect his captain; he returned with the tattooed man slung over a shoulder.

"The party will wind down within the hour. After Captain passes out, they start heading to bed." The polar bear explained as most everyone threw in their cards or polished off their drinks.

"If yow 'ach'ig Fawga, le' meh go wif yoo." (If you're taking Trafalgar, let me go with you.) Kid ordered. Bepo saw no harm in putting the baby captain back to sleep, and took him up in his paw. The trip back to the room was silent, because Kid himself was about to conk out.

"Why did'm yoo ge' dwuch?" (Why didn't you get drunk?) Kid confronted the sober bear as he repaired him mutilated crib. The redhead was sitting on Law's chest, mildly enjoying the rising motion whenever the sleeping man breathed; Bepo had tucked him in first.

"Alchohol makes me sick." Was the simple answer Kid received as he was laid down inside his cage. "Captain will probably not be in his best shape in the morning, so just call for us if something's up."

And with that, Kid was back to sleep.

FINALLY! I think I'm allergic to italics...never again will I do that.

About Killer getting sick: I was going to have him just be insane, but I'm a twisted pervert, and made him get sick. I know there wasn't much KidxLaw in this, but I wanted to get the singing part done as soon as I could.

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