At the back of the stage, Jake took hold of Elwood's sleeve and abruptly started burrowing into the ground much as he had during their first Relic excursion. The next thing Elwood knew, they were in middle of another large cave. "Boy, you never know where you'll find these things," he remarked.
"This way," Jake pointed to the right, "Be very careful, there's bound to be traps everywhere down here."
"Say, what's that sign say?" Elwood noted a sign bizarrely attached to the wall near a corner of the cave. As they got closer, he squinted at it. "Loser's Ahead," he read off it, "What does that…?"
His question was answered as he stumbled on a tripwire, and a large arcing steel blade sliced through the air right at his throat. He and Jake hit the floor just in time. "Loser's Ahead," he commented, "Now I get it."
"I said be careful," Jake scolded him. He dusted himself off and helped his brother back up, "Well, I can sense it isn't too much further off, we just…"
"Ya hear something Jake?" Elwood raised his hand. There was a strange and ominous clicking sound behind them. Again he got a speedy and liberal answer as a giant scorpion scampered into view and swung its stinger at them. "Well, there was never a better time to start a physical fitness routine," Jake shrugged, avoiding its pincer. He and Elwood broke into a hard run up the cavern. They were making remarkably good progress despite the scorpion's relentlessness. But they weren't out of the woods just yet. A pit lay ahead of them, and inside of it were giant snapping Venus flytraps. "Really, you have to wonder how these things can survive as long as they can down here," Elwood remarked.
"Jump now!" Jake took a spectacular leap over the pit and pulled Elwood up when he fell just a little short. They watched as the scorpion slipped off the end of the pit and was devoured by the Venus flytraps. The brothers breathed sighs of relief and continued onward. Jake held up his hand at the intersection of another cave path. He drew a metal ball and tossed it into the center of the intersection. "Step only where I step," he told Elwood. He hopped in an irregular pattern to the other side of the crossing. Elwood followed him as best he could. No sooner was he on the other side than the stalactites on the ceiling came thundering down like large spikes, smashing hard into the floor. "Impressive thinking," Jake said. His ball had been flattened, and was now about fifteen feet in diameter on the floor. He turned and continued onward. After a few yards, he stopped again and exclaimed, "Aha." The tunnel dead-ended at a large steel door, much like a bank vault. Beams of red light crisscrossed the area in front of it. "Follow me exactly again," was Jake's latest advice to Elwood. He leaned back until he was almost horizontal and inched his way through the gaps in the beams. Elwood tried to go backwards, but found it was too hard on his back. Instead, he removed his hat and crawled under the beams on his hands and knees, miraculously avoiding them all. The steel door now loomed above them. Four combination locks were in the middle of it. Jake spun them around until they read 7-7-7-7. "Stand back," he instructed Elwood as he grabbed the handle, "There's no telling what on the other side of this thing."
Elwood obliged. Jake yanked the door open slowly. Nothing happened. Elwood hesitantly glanced around the door. As big as the cavern they were in happened to be, this one was ten times bigger—so big in fact he couldn't see the other wall. He could, however take note of a large lake in the middle of the chamber, and in the middle of that was a large rock island, on top of which a magical beam of light was shining. "So t hat's the last piece?" he asked Jake.
"That's it," Jake flexed his knuckles, "Stay close."
It seemed to Elwood that they walked a mile to reach the edge of the lake. There was a series of stepping stone leading to the island, which seemed strangely familiar to him, although he couldn't quite place where he'd seen it before. They hopped over the stones, until Jake stopped him about a quarter of the way across. "Don't step on the black ones," he warned, pointing to one black stone in front of them, "They would set the whole works off."
Elwood nodded and leaped to the next gray stone. After another apparent mile, they made it all the way across. The other half of the cross glistened in the light at the top of the island. The brothers started climbing up toward it…
When abruptly a cold pair of hands burst from the rocks and tripped them. They rolled down to the bottom of the island. "Going somewhere, Catholics?" came a cold voice with a heavy German accent.
"Jake, don't tell me we gotta get by old Adolf here?" Elwood asked his brother, concerned. Sure enough, Hitler himself burst out of the rocks—only he was hideously devolved, clearly well on his way to becoming a pure demon. And unfortunately, he wasn't alone. More evil historical figures whose names Elwood had glanced over during Mother Stigmata's history classes, but now wished he'd given more attention to, were popping up out of the earth. He recognized Stalin, Nero, Vlad the Impaler, Tojo, King Leopold, and several others. "Great!" Jake cursed, "The H.E.R.E.T.I.C.s got everyone close to the devil for the last piece!"
"And you'll never leave here alive!" Pol Pot lunged forward with a plague spore. He tossed it crazily, missing the brothers by a substantial distance. Jake dug something metal out of his pocket. "Here," he tossed another one at Elwood, "You're going to need this!"
"What's this, one of those things from that space movie?" Elwood activated it. Sure enough, it was a blue-hued light saber. He swung it at Idi Amin, who was charging at him with a red-hued one. "Do you really think you can win, colonial swine!" the dictator snarled as they traded blows, "You're grossly outnumbered!"
"Well, more dire odds have been overcome," Elwood shrugged. He pointed over Amin's shoulder. "Say, what's that?"
Amin stupidly fell for it and turned away. Elwood pushed him over into the lake. He didn't have a time to breath, however, as Robespierre was now upon him. "Better be careful," the revolutionary leader taunted him, "This isn't a good time to lose your head!"
From seemingly up his sleeve, he started flinging guillotine blades at Elwood. Elwood sliced them through as well as he could….
And suddenly felt a sharp pain in his back. Howling, he had to duck Robespierre's last blade. Turning his head, he saw the source of the problem; Papa Doc Duvalier had a voodoo doll dressed just like the musician in his hand, and was pricking it with a pin. "Hey, cut it out!" Elwood warned him, "I don't go cursin' you!"
"Too bad. Otherwise you could do this!" Duvalier started hitting the doll's head with one of its arms. Simultaneously, Elwood found himself punching his own face with his free hand. He swung a kick at the Caribbean tyrant, forcing him to drop the doll. He climbed up to a higher point on the island, forcing Robespierre to aim upwards at him. Unable to make a direct aim anymore, Robespierre simply yanked out the rock Elwood was standing on, sending him crashing down to earth. Before he could guillotine him, though, a limp King Leopold toppled down on top of him. "And let that be a lesson to you!" Jake told the Belgian autocrat from above, "Pillaging villages in the Congo gets you…"
"Watch the back door, Jake!" Elwood shouted out his warning just in time, as Tojo was just about to sneak up behind his brother with his own light saber, which was shaped like a Samurai sword. Jake spun around and parried the military man's blow. "So, Hidecki, you want to play rough?" he asked him, "All right, I can play rough."
And with that, he morphed into a Samurai. Letting out an unintelligible yell, he charged Tojo, and soon the two of them were in a heated duel. Elwood, meanwhile, tried sneaking up the back of the island toward the cross, which lay tantalizingly above him. Unfortunately, Vlad the Impaler was right in his path now. "You gonna toss spikes like your French pal tosses blades?" Elwood had to ask him.
The Transylvanian tyrant answered this by flinging large iron spikes at his head. Elwood charged at him with his head down, but Vlad turned into a bat as he swung the light saber and fluttered over his head, laughing. Elwood took several ineffective swipes at him. "I shoulda brought some Raid," he commented.
Abruptly, he felt like his feet were on fire. Howling, he danced around, trying to stamp out the pain. He saw Papa Doc holding a match to his voodoo doll. "How many times have I gotta tell ya to let me fight fair here!" he yelled.
Papa Doc didn't answer, instead banging the doll's head against the rocks. Elwood found himself doing the same thing—very painfully. The Haitian dictator reached for the doll's leg, ready to rip it off…
When a large hand grabbed his shoulder. "You'll have plenty of time for cursing people when you're living in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!" Foley yelled in his ear. The huge angel snatched the voodoo doll out of Papa Doc's hand, then picked him up and tossed him across the lake into the wall. "I'm ready!" he yelled at no one in particular, activating his own light saber, "Give me everything you got!"
"All right then," Nero jumped downwards, "Face my lyre of doom!"
He strummed the strings, causing the lyre to belch a blast of energy that knocked Foley down. Nero leaped forward…
And was hit in the chest with one of Robespierre's blades. "Not me you moron!" he yelled at the Frenchman as he slumped downward.
"Oops," Robespierre gulped. Foley jumped in front of his and put a hand over Robespierre's face, causing his head to simply roll off his shoulders. The rest of Robespierre's body stumbles blindly around, firing guillotine blades in all directions. Elwood didn't have much time to pay attention, as Mussolini was now coming at him with a light saber of his own. The singer engaged him, and after a heated fight thrust his own light saber through his chest. "Sorry about that pal," he told the fascist, who moaned in agony, "But at least you're already dead, so it shouldn't hurt too much."
He patted Mussolini on the shoulder, causing him to tumble down into the lake. He looked around for reference. Foley had now taken the form of a Samurai himself, and was dueling Pol Pot near the stepping stones. Yelling gibberish, he forced the Khmer Rouge leader out onto them, eventually onto a dreaded black stone, which promptly collapsed into the lake. Foley leaped back to the island. "How's it hanging, buddy?" he asked Elwood.
"Well, it's could have been…" Elwood suddenly felt something land on his neck. Vlad as the bat was trying to suck his blood. He fell to the ground again, trying to get the vampire off.
"Hold still!" came Jake's voice. Elwood froze up and felt the hum of Jake's light saber slash down. Vlad shrieked, then went silent. Elwood dusted himself off. "Domo origato, or however it goes," he told him. Still as the Samurai himself, Jake bowed…then turned around and sliced Tojo's light saber right in two just as the military man was sneaking up on him. "Ha ha!" he snickered. Gulping, Tojo drew a shorter light saber and committed harikari. Both Jake and Foley morphed back to their normal selves. "That was fun," Jake remarked, "Ever since I saw that show with the guy running the deli, I…"
"Uh, Jake, here comes Adolf and Joseph," Elwood pointed. Hitler and Stalin were looking furious as they stormed down the rocks toward them. "Arrogant fools!" the Nazi snarled, "You may be able to destroy those rejects, but the best of the master race will destroy you!"
"Oh that's original," Foley laughed, "Well Adolf, we'd love to see what you've got!"
"Like this?" Hitler abruptly sprouted six additional arms, each one holding a double-bladed light saber. Stalin did the same (only his light sabers were labeled GLORY TO STALIN, FATHER OF OUR PEOPLES, GREAT GUIDER OF OUR DESTINY). "As I always said," the Soviet boss said, advancing slowly forward, "Better than a hundred heads be cut off than one wrecker get away, and you are all wreckers."
"And they're all mine," Hitler knocked him down and raised all his arms high. "Wait a minute!" Stalin protested, "You're not going to pull that one again!"
Hitler ran him through. "Yes, I am," he said coldly, "I was summoned first. GESTAPO!"
It seemed to Elwood like the walls were abruptly changing. Zombie-like storm troopers were crawling out of every crevice and corner, growling apocalyptically. "Oh no you won't!" Jake charged the Nazi leader, despite the fact he was significantly outnumbered in regards to light sabers—a fact amplified when Hitler grew four more arms. Elwood instinctively rushed forward to assist his brother. "No, get the cross!" Jake told him, ducking several swipes, "Foley and I can take out old short mustache here!"
Foley jumped on Hitler's back and began choking him. "Nighty-night!" he roared, "Time to go to bed little girlies!"
Hitler roared in German and swung five arms at him. Elwood took the distraction to run up to the top of the island, where the cross was. He picked it up, and immediately became aware that rocks were falling from the ceiling. "Uh oh," he commented, "I think they rigged a self-destruct thing here."
Bony arms grabbed his legs. The storm trooper zombies were upon him. Elwood shoved the cross into his pocket and started swiping at them. Many of them fell, but more and more of them kept coming. Running down the rocks, he tripped and knocked Hitler over. The dictator grabbed him by the collar with four arms. "Sellout!" he snarled, "You're in my world now, and there's nothing you can do to win!"
Elwood eye-poked him. Groaning, Hitler released him. Elwood raised his light saber and swung at one of Hitler's arms, but the dictator started spinning the light saber that arm was holding, cutting the musician's down to the hilt. Elwood stared at the blade's stump in shock. "I hope they put warranties on these things!" he shouted out loud.
With more Samurai yells, Jake and Foley attacked Hitler again. Another heated duel progressed, one that Hitler tried to exploit by causing stalactites to fall down at his foes. When that failed, he whistled for his storm troopers, and soon the three good guys found themselves surrounded. "Give us the Relic!" one droned.
"Over my dead body!" Jake raised his light saber.
"That's the idea," another blandly commented. They started advancing forward.
"Look, it's Karl Doenitz!" Foley pointed. The storm troopers blindly turned, giving the large angel the opportunity to plow through them like a bull. "Manhattan Express, coming through!" he bellowed, grabbing Jake and Elwood's hands. Enraged Hitler followed them across the stepping stones, but made the same mistake of stepping on a black one and took an abrupt dip in the lake. Letting out a primordial howl, he fired blasts of energy at the roof, causing it to start collapsing. Foley sprouted his own wings and flew at the speed of sound out through the caverns, setting off more self-destruction when he flew through the beams of light. Miraculously, he made it through the cave and back up to the surface just as the rest of the cavern gave way. The three of them breathed big sighs of relief. Curtis came running over. "Tell me you have the last piece of the Relic?" he asked breathlessly.
Elwood dug it out of his pocket and handed it to his father figure. Curtis smiled at it. "At last, we've done it," he proclaimed. He picked up the rest of the Relic from the back of the stage flat and inserted the final piece in. There was a low rumble of thunder overhead. "Was it too difficult getting it?" he had to know.
"Uh, no, piece of cake, piece of carrot cake," Foley said, flexing his knuckles, "It helped that they're stupid."
"All right, we're almost done with the show," Curtis told them, "Once we're done with the next song or two, we should make a break for it."
"Hold that thought, Curtis, there's something I'd like to do first," Elwood told him. He drew his harp from his other pocket and snuck back on stage. The group was about two-thirds of the way through "I Don't Know." The crowd was really into the show, which Elwood had a feeling was already over schedule, as he could see the Cubs and Yankees standing in their respective dugouts, looking impatient. No one seemed to have noticed his absence that he was aware of. He finished the song and soaked in a large cheer. Turning to his band mates, he held up a finger, then pointed at Murphy, mouthing, "Give us the intro." Murphy looked quizzical, but started into "Can't Turn You Loose" again. "And now," Elwood said into his microphone, "We're pleased to give you our special attraction of the night. Here he is, the legend himself, for tonight only, please give a warm welcome to the heart and soul of our group, my brother, Joliet Jake Blues."
He pointed to the wings of the stage. Jake stared at him in wonder. He glanced around, and then slowly trudged out to the center of the stage, where an open microphone stood waiting for him.