A/N: And finally, the last chapter. :D
Now, I feel I should warn you about this chapter but first of all, a little about me. I work in pathology, so, I routinely handle poo, pus, pee, blood, chunks of human beings – boobs, bowels and a lot of skin, and attend the occasional autopsy. The reason I'm telling you all this is to tell you I've got a high threshold for disgusting things. Nothing really disgusts me... so that means I'm sometimes not sure where the line should be drawn when dealing with bodily fluids/functions and the like with normal people.
I just tell you that as a warning about this chapter. If you're easily disgusted, then you may not want to read on. I don't think it's overly offensive... but then, see above as to why my judgement might not to be the best. LOL
And with that strange and vaguely ominous warning ringing in your ears, I'll let you read on...
Chapter Five
Nick watched the Luder hobble back to her seat, placing a little leather pouch on the coffee table in front of them, before continuing on to her seat. He leant forward and reached for the pouch. "Is that it, is that the iberis root?" The Luder's cane snapped out and whacked his hand before he could touch it. "Oww!"
"Don't be so grabby, little Grimm," she cautioned him. "We haven't made our deal yet."
Nick scowled and rubbed his hand. "How do I use it?"
"It's a powder, throw it in the Blutbad's face and he'll breath it in. It'll negate the effects of the pheromone."
"And this is definitely iberis root?" asked Nick suspiciously. "I'm not about to poison my friend, right?" His eyes narrowed. "Because if you're trying to pull a fast one-"
"Blah blah blah," said the Luder dismissively. "You'll huff and you'll puff and you'll blow my house down, I get it. I'm not interested in annoying a Grimm." She gave him a cool look. "At least not today. Now, let's talk payment."
"I told you I can pay. How much?"
"And I told you I don't want your money."
Nick's lips thinned. "Alright, what do you want then?"
"I need something only you can give me."
He eyed her warily. "I'm listening."
"Two nights ago I had a run in with a Löwen, it got heated."
"Okay," said Nick slowly. "So, you want me to kill the Löwen for you?" He wasn't sure how he felt about that without knowing more details.
The Luder snorted. "I don't need help killing a Löwen." She jabbed her cane at a spot behind Nick and he turned in his seat to see that the Luder was pointing at a jar of what looked like large, bloodied feline teeth, but he realised must have been the Löwen's.
"Löwen teeth are good for forgetting spells," the Luder informed him, "and dandruff."
Nick turned back in his seat and tried not to think like a cop. "Okay, so, you killed the guy. What do you need from me?"
"He left me with a little something to remember him by." The Luder pulled up her skirt to reveal her legs and thighs.
Nick started in his seat, unable to help his reaction. "Whoa!"
The entirety of the Luder's lower limbs were covered in a shaggy brown fur, not unlike a bears. It was the last thing Nick had expected and it wasn't a pretty sight. The large gash running through the upper portion of her right thigh only made the sight more confronting.
The Luder was eyeing him speculatively. "You're not squeamish, are you? What kind of Grimm doesn't enjoy a bit of blood and guts?"
Nick was having trouble forming coherent sentences. "No, ahh, well, I just wasn't- umm, you know-"
"Shut it, Grimm," she interrupted him in annoyance. "I'm not getting any younger here."
Nick tried to compose himself. "I'm sorry. Okay, you're hurt. Do you want me to take you to hospital?" The Luder's cane snapped out and whacked him across the knees, making Nick jump in pain. "OWW!" he yelled at her, rubbing his knees.
"What are you," she snapped, "some kind of idiot? You're not the Grimm whose parents are brother and sister, are you?"
Nick made a repulsed face. "No," he said hotly, "of course not."
"Then stop asking stupid questions," replied the Luder. "What use could a hospital be for me?"
"I don't know," said Nick grumpily, his knees still throbbing, "maybe stitch you up." He lowered his voice, mumbling to himself. "Shave a few things."
"I don't need a hospital. I already have a poultice on it. I just need something to activate it, to get the full benefit of the remedy."
"Okay, so, what do you need to activate the poultice?" Nick took in the way the Luder was staring at him with a knowing look. "He asks, suspecting he wasn't going to like the answer," he finished in flat resignation.
"I need the fluid of a Grimm," she said simply.
"Fluid?" repeated Nick uncertainly. He frowned. "You mean like blood?"
She smiled, revealing broken and yellowed teeth. "Blood would do very nicely."
"Well, you can't have it," said Nick tersely.
"The Blutbad has been filling your head with malicious lies," said the Luder, looking innocent.
"You're not getting any of my blood," said Nick determinedly. "Forget it."
The Luder gave a little shrug. "Fine. It doesn't have to be blood. Urine is perfectly acceptable."
Nick blanched. "Urine? Are you kidding me?"
She made a bored face. "What interest do I have in making you laugh, Grimm?"
"You want my urine?" asked Nick in disgust. "No way!"
The Luder rolled her eyes. "They don't make Grimms like they used to. I once had a Grimm cut off his toe for me in exchange for a particularly good invisibility potion."
Nick's eyes went wide. "A Grimm cut off his toe for you?"
"He cut it off, I cut it off, let's not split hairs." She gave him a considered look. "Okay, so no urine. There are other options."
"Good," said Nick in relief.
"I'm fine with Grimm seed."
"What?" Nick croaked.
The Luder looked down at Nick's crotch with interest. "Grimm seed."
A lengthy, uncomfortable silence hung between them as Nick resisted the urge to run screaming from the room. Finally Nick blinked. "So, how much urine would you be needing?" he asked brightly.
Her lips quirked. "As much as you've got."
Nick's shoulders sagged, knowing that was the most palatable of what were truly horrible options. "Okay, do you have a jar or bottle or something?"
"It has to be direct."
"What?" She couldn't be asking what he thought she was asking... could she? "Are you asking me to-ah-"
The Luder held his gaze steadily. "Yes. It has to be warm from the body and not contact any other surfaces."
He had no way of verifying that nugget of information and Nick knew the Luder wasn't going to relent on that point. He held up a finger. "One moment, please." He got up and quickly walked out of the room, heading out the front door to the porch. Nick pulled out his cell phone and hastily dialled Hank's number.
oooOOOOooo
Hank scrambled into the toilet, slamming the door behind him. Almost immediately the door bowed as Monroe threw his weight against it. Hank spun round and braced his back against the wall of the small room and planted a foot against the door.
"Hey, man, what's the problem, are you alright?"
"You stay the hell away from me!" yelled Hank.
"Was it something I said?" asked the still oblivious Monroe. "Whatever it was, I'm sorry, dude. Come on out and we can talk about it."
"Oh yeah, I'll be right out," said Hank caustically. Suddenly a knife tip came through the door and sliced the side of his big toe. He yelped more in surprise then pain and instinctively drew his foot back.
Monroe took the opportunity to stick his head through the door. Hank immediately slammed his foot back on the door to keep the other man out. Monroe's head remained stuck in the door. He blinked and smiled at Hank. "Oh, hey man, how's it going?"
"Stop trying to kill me!" Hank shouted at him.
"I'm not," said a wide eyed Monroe. "I'm worried about you, Hank, you seem to be hallucinating. Maybe I should take you to the hospital. Come on out and I'll drive you."
"Not gonna happen!" Hank's cell phone rang and he fumbled for it, not taking his eyes of Monroe as the blood-crazy Blutbad started to sniff the air. "Yeah?" he said distractedly, watching as Monroe continued sniffing, his head sliding down the door until he was at the same level as Hank's foot and in particular, Hank's bleeding big toe.
"Oh hey, Hank, it's me," came Nick's overly-casual sounding voice. "Just thought I'd check in, see how you guys are going. I'm guessing it's all okay."
Hank's eyes nearly bugged out of his head as Monroe was now sniffing Hank's dripping toe. He watched in horror as Monroe reached out with his tongue and started to lick his big toe, lapping up the blood from Hank's wound. Hank couldn't let up on the pressure of the door by moving his foot because then Monroe would be able to get in. He was stuck in a toilet, watching a Blutbad lick his toe.
"I bet Monroe is feeling better and doesn't even need the cure now, right?"
"GET THE DAMN CURE!" Hank screamed into the phone. "Sell your soul, eat a baby, I don't care, get the cure and get back here NOW!"
oooOOOOooo
Nick winced as his partner bellowed into the phone and then there was the sound of scuffling. "Crap," he groaned, knowing that wasn't the sound of happy he was hearing. Nick looked back at the front door of the house and realised he had no option now. He threw back his head and shouted into out into the heavens in frustrated horror. "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!"
"Oh yes, it is," came the Luder's smug voice from inside the house.
Nick glared in the direction of her voice, even though she couldn't see him. "Bite me, old woman!" he snarled.
"Kiss your Blutbad boyfriend with that dirty mouth, Grimm?" she sassed him.
Nick's jaw hardened as he stormed back into the house. He marched up to the Luder, who was still sitting in her chair, waiting patiently.
She looked up at him in amusement. "What's the matter, poodle, someone steal your sunshine?" The Luder smirked and waved her hand at her wound. "Speaking of golden things, I believe we have a little business transaction to complete."
Nick glared at her in futile rage. "If you ever tell anyone about what happened here tonight, you're going to wish that Löwen finished you off," he ground out.
"Don't get pissy, Grimm." Her lips twitched. "Or rather, do, as it turns out in this case."
Nick's face hardened. "I hate you."
"How will I ever go on?" asked the Luder mockingly. She arched an eyebrow at him. "So, are we doing this or what?"
Five minutes later Nick was speeding down the road back to Monroe's place, the pouch of iberis root powder rolling around on the seat next to him. "Find a happy place," he ordered himself shakily, staring straight ahead at the road, knuckles white on the steering wheel. "Find a happy place." All those books in Aunt Marie's trailer and not one of them could have prepared him for that piece of trauma he was already working hard to repress.
oooOOOOooo
Nick, Monroe and Hank sat on Monroe's sofa, all staring directly ahead as the awkward silence between them lengthened. Monroe gave a little sneeze, white iberis root powder shooting out of his nose. He wiggled his nose and then cleared his throat. "So-ahh-can I get anyone a coffee, cup of tea maybe?"
Hank and Nick didn't reply. The scene Nick had walked in on had been impossible to comprehend, so he'd just thrown the iberis powder and decided to ask questions later. Only, he really didn't want those questions answered... ever. The fraught silence continued until Nick couldn't stand it any longer.
Abruptly Hank spoke. "I've got an idea," he offered up, all of them still refusing to look at the other, "this never happened. We don't talk about it, we don't think about it, ever again. No questions, no explanations, nothing. Tonight. Never. Happened."
Nick and Monroe jumped up as one.
"Sounds good to me."
"No argument here."
Hank stood up as they all still avoided eye contract. "I'm going now."
"I'm right behind you," said Nick gruffly.
Monroe held up his right hand, a handcuff dangling from his wrist as he addressed Hank. "Um, I don't suppose I can get this off? I've got a Pilates class in the morning and there will be questions asked if I turn up wearing this."
Hank quickly undid the handcuff, still refusing to look Hank in the eye.
Monroe rubbed his wrist. "I feel like I should repay you guys in some way, for all that you did for me. It was above and beyond the call of duty."
Nick had no argument there.
Monroe looked at Nick. "So, what did the Luder want in exchange for the iberis root?"
"Nothing!" Nick practically shouted at him. "Nothing happened and anyone who says anything different is a dirty liar!"
"Okay," said Monroe slowly. "I'm sensing I touched a nerve."
"We just agreed not to mention it again," said Nick unevenly.
"Oh sure, yeah, sorry, my bad. But I still feel like I owe you two."
"You can pay me back by staying out of my way for awhile," said Hank flatly. "I need some space to get over what didn't happen here tonight."
Monroe made a regretful face. "I get that, man, and again, sorry about the toe thing."
"What toe thing?" asked Nick before he could help himself. He'd walked in on a pants and shoeless Hank sitting on Monroe's chest as he attempted to handcuff the writhing Blutbad to the refrigerator.
"Do neither of you understand the concept of tonight never happened?" asked Hank in frustration.
Nick held up his hand. "You're right, sorry." He started towards the door. "I've got to get home, Juliette is probably wondering where I am."
"She is," said Monroe easily, "and oh yeah, she might have some questions."
Nick turned around and frowned. "Why would she have questions?"
"Juliette turned up here tonight," explained Monroe.
"What?" asked Nick in horror.
Monroe waved a casual hand. "It's alright, I covered."
Hank's scowl deepened. "Yeah, badly." He fixed Nick with a peeved look. "And if she says anything, I wasn't naked, it was only Monroe."
Nick blinked, a million questions flooding his brain but he ignored them all. "I see." He turned around and headed out the door, Hank following behind him.
"Thanks again for everything, fellas," Monroe called out after them.
Hank was by his side. "Does he really not understand the concept of we're not talking about this?" he grumbled to Nick.
"Can't talk," said Nick, staring ahead as they walked to their cars, "finding a happy place."
"Good luck with that, I'm just going to get drunk," said Monroe flatly.
"That's my plan B." Nick climbed into his car and watched Monroe drive off. He turned on the ignition and pulled out from the curb, flicking on the radio at the same time in an attempt to take his mind off the events of that night.
Phil Collin's voice blared over the radio. "Oh, I wish it would rain, rain down on me, oh how I wish it'd rain down on me-"
Nick abruptly braked, not caring he was in the middle of the street and stared in horror at the radio as Phil continued to warble out his classic 'I Wish It Would Rain Down on Me'. He put his head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath before straightening up. "Plan B it is then," said Nick grimly, starting the car and heading towards the nearest liquor store.
There were some days in the life of a Grimm where happy thoughts just weren't going to cut it.
This was one of them.
A/N: And that's it, guys, thank you for hanging around to the end. :D Thank you for all of your kind reviews, they were much appreciated.
And FYI, it was really hard to come up with that song for the radio bit. LOL I don't know if the joke was worth it, but I went through a lot of songs from 'It's Raining Men' to the 'Pee Pee Song'. Yes, there is a song out there called that. .
I've got another little fic for this trio rattling around in my head. If there is interest, I might end up jotting it down. It's more silliness like above. ;)