I don't own Phineas and Ferb. For those under 13, please skip this chapter if you value your childhood innocence.
Ch. 3: No! Not in Song!
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The bell rang for the start of 6th period and Vanessa got to her seat. She frowned more than usual as she sat in the seat that her Dad picked out just for her. She still wasn't used to the glitter her father placed on her desk. She knew her Dad meant well, but he treated her like a child instead of an adult. It would be nice if he treated her like an adult once in awhile.
As the last bell rang, Dr. Doofenshmirtz came out with the Apathy-inator behind his back from the backroom where he had an apathetic Perry flipping a quarter in the air like a cool rebel.
"Okay, class it's time to learn about where babies come from." Dr. Doofenshmirtz stated plainly.
Vanessa groaned and just dropped her head on her desk, wishing that she was dead. "Oh dear god." she groaned, already telling that this was going to be disastrous.
"But before we get started, let's ease up the tension in here." he said as he fired the Apathy-inator at the class. Instantly, every awkward, uncomfortable teen in the class into uncaring ones. Kinda like Johnny.
"So who's ready to learn?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz asked enthusiastically to test to see if the inator worked.
"Whatever." everyone said dully.
"Yes, I did it! Now to teach you kids about the birds and the bees. Yeah, time to get started. Yippy. Um... I guess I didn't plan this far ahead." admitted Dr. Doofenshmirtz as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He was so focused on his inator he never thought of how he would actually teach the lesson.
"Where to start. What can I teach you about the Birds and the Bees. The birds and the beeeeeeeees. The birds and the bees." he kept repeating, hoping that he would get an idea. He started tapping his feet as he thought, creating a rhythmic tap. "The birds and the bees, the birds and the bees."
*Cue hip-hop music, similar to the one playing when Ferb showed Jeremy his dancing in "Nerdy Dancing"*
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: The birds and the bees
The birds and the bees
The birds and the bees
The birds and the bees
Well it all starts when
When a guy meets a girl
One that's quite a catch
And doesn't make him hurl.
Boys used to think that girls were icky.
It changes at puberty.
They grow hair on their chest and voice changes a lot.
That's what happens when a bird meets a bee.
At first you won't notice
At the first glance.
Your body starts to change
From your chest and in your pants.
You'll start to feel an attraction
Caused by pheromones
It's not your fault
It's based on your X Chromosomes.
Now this next part is top secret
Not often spoken, but discreet.
But let's get down to business with gametes.
They're the cells that have the roles
Of making cute, little babies
Guys have something called sperm
Girls have ovaries.
When they both combine
The baby's in production
But the part before that
Has some gross instructions.
Meanwhile, in Wood Shop
*Quirky Worky Song Starts*
Phineas and Ferb get to work on the log as Candace tries to get evidence. Phineas starts chopping at it with an axe while Ferb uses a chainsaw. Candace a slittle surprised her brothers could even lift those, but then again she spent her summer seeing her brothers do crazier stuff.
She tried sneaking up behind them, but Ferb nearly took her head off with the chainsaw as he raised it. Luckily it missed, but cut her phone in half. Annoyed, she grabbed a camera and tried to take another picture. Phineas decided that after using the chainsaw to use his laser pen, that shot acutally lasers. He misfired and it bounced off of Ferb's chainsaw and destroyed Candace's camera. Candace groaned loudly as she wiped the soot off her face.
Phineas attached a teather to the top of the log and used the chainsaw to cut into the log while Ferb used the laser to cut deep into the wood behind him. Candace returned with an old-timey camera that she borrowed from her Grandpa and was about to take the picture, when a chunk of wood fell and crushed it.
"AHHHHHHHH! That's it! I'm getting Mom!" she said as she stormed out. Phineas and Ferb started to pick up the pace as the classroom was getting filled with sawdust.
Perry was still in the storage room in Dr. Doofenshmirtz's class while he was still under the Apathy-inator's power. Deep down, he kinda wanted to stop Dr. Doofenshmirtz but he just didn't feel like it. He couldn't decide whether to do something or not. All he felt like doing was flipping the coin he got from Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Perry caught the twirling coin in his hand, not caring about how cool he looked and saw that it was heads.
That's when he got an idea. Perry decided he'd flip to see what to do. If it landed heads, he would stop Dr. Doofenshmirtz, but if it was tails, he'd do nothing. Not caring about what side it landed on, Perry flicked the coin into the air and caught it before it hit the ground. He looked down at the coin to see the result.
Heads.
Perry shrugged and left the storage room. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was still doing his abnormal sex ed rap that was still too weird to describe. Luckily, he didn't care thaks to the Apathy-inator's effects. He casually walked over to the inator, hit the reverse switch, and zapped himself.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: We nearly at the end
But things are about to get worst.
Mainly for the girl
When her water bursts.
POW!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz didn't get to finsh his rap (luckily) because the now alert Perry the Platypus uppercuted him.
"OW! Perry the Platypus! You're back to normal? Not cool!" yelled Dr. Doofenshmirtz. He grabbed the Apathy-inator and started firing at Perry. This time, Perry was prepared and dodged the blasts. Perry leaped in front of Dr. Doofenshmirtz and tried to yank the Apathy-inator away from him. However, Dr. Doofenshmirtz wasn't ready to give up, and kept a firm grip on the Apathy-inator.
"Perry the Platypus stop pulling!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz ordered as he attempted to wrestle for control.
"Candace stop pulling." ordered Linda, as her daughter crazily dragged her through the hallways.
"No, not until you see Phineas and Ferb doing their dangerous... thing." Candace said, not entirely sure on what her brothers were doing exactly. Even though her mother's struggling made it harder for her to pull her, she still moved on. Luckily for her, things got easier when they passed Dr. Doofenshmirtz's class.
Perry and Dr. Doofenshmirtz were still fighting for control of the Apathy-inator. Neither was winning and the two were accidentally firing blasts randomly. Like a laser light show, random shots were fired all over the place, not that the class cared. Coincidentally, one of the shots was fired into the hallway, which hit Linda just as they passed.
Phineas and Ferb were putting the final touches on their project as they began cutting into the log with their chainsaws. Candace arrived with Linda and presented her Mom the boys' creation.
"See Mom, see see? The boys are using chainsaws! Tell me that's not bustworthy." she exclaimed as she waited for her Mom's reaction.
"Meh." Linda said nonchalantly.
Candace was surprised that her mother was saying this. She looked again and saw her brothers were still there using chainsaw in front of their mother and all she had to say was 'meh'?
"Meh? What do you mean "Meh"? They're clearly doing something dangerous!" Candace stated.
"...Whatever." Linda said she walked away. Candace just stood there with her mouth wide open in eventually focused and chased back after her Mom. As Phineas and Ferb finished up their project, Hank came in and scowled as he saw the boys making a mess.
"Alright, what are you two up to now?" he asked in an unhappy tone.
"Just finishing up your present: yourself." stated Phineas as he presented a wooden statue of the cranky cleaner. With precise detail, the boys presented the life-like staue of Hank that captured his image to the last detail.
"Why the heck would I want this?" the janitor asked.
"You said all you wanted was yourself, so we made an exact replica of you." Phineas said.
"Exact? HAH! You made it with two arms, you blind brat!"
"Actually, that's a bonus. Ferb?"
Ferb pulled the extra arm off and pressed a button that made it glow to life. "We also made you wooden, robotic fake arm. Complete with sensory detectors, adjustable size and length, and an MP3 player. Plus, it also has extra cleaning functions so that it makes cleaning up messes twice as easy."
Ferb connected the arm to Hank as pressed one of the buttons, making the fake hand turn into a mop, sponge, fork, back scratcher, hedge trimmer, and back to a hand. "So what do you think?"
"Well, as long as it's free. Now get outta here, I gotta get cleaning." he ordered. The boys obeyed and left the janitor to clean up the mess. As he admired the statue, a small smile formed on his face as he flexed his fake fingers.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz finally took the Apathy-inator out of Perry's hands and aimed at the monotreme.
"Aha! Finally, I got it. I can't believe it actually took that long to grab it out of your hands, caus I mean you're a platypus, you shouldn't be able to be that strong. Anyway, prepare to not care!" said Dr. Doofenshmirtz.
With nowhere to go and the end of the inator inches from his face, Perry had one shot to save the day. He grabbed the quarter from earlier and flicked it into the muzzle. Dr. Doofenshmirtz fired, but the coin just blocked the shot.
"What? Wha-what's going?" he wondered. He kept pressing the trigger, but it caused the Apathy-inator to overload. "Uh-oh." he said.
BOOOOOM!
The Apathy-inator exploded, and the aftereffects caused everyone affected by the ray to return to normal.
"Whoa, what happened?" Vanessa asked. "Oh right, the most embarassing moment of my life."
Dr. Doofenshmirtz said, "What are you talking about? I just finished."
"Really? I don't remember a thing." said one of the students. The rest of the students agreed to not remembering anything.
"Wow, I guess the Apathy-inator makes people so apathetic they don't even care to remember the experience."
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As the bell rang, the students sighed knowing that they didn't have to hear the lesson, Vanessa being the most relieved.
"Wait, so that was all for nothing? Can you believe that Perry the Platy- Perry the Platypus?" asked Dr. Doofenshmirtz, as he noticed Perry was gone. He saw the platypus in the hallway flipping the coin one last time before leaving.
"Curse you Perry the- you know what, I don't even care anymore." he grumbled.
"Come on! You have to care a little bit." whined Candace as she tried to convince her Mom to bust her brothers. At that moment, she was returning to normal.
"Huh? Care about what?" Linda asked.
"Phineas and Ferb! Don't you remember?" Candace said.
"Ugh, fine Candace let's go see what they're up to." Linda said. Candace was a little confused about her Mom forgetting it, but was more focused on getting her there. Unfortuantely, when they returned, while the statue was still there and so was Hank, Phineas and Ferb weren't and thus no proof that they were doing anything bust-worthy."
"What! NOOO! Where did they go?" Candace said.
"Oh hello, Mr. Churnel. I see you got some gifts." Linda said referring to the arm and statue.
"Huh? Uh yes, some kids made them." he said, not bothering to say who.
"Well that's nice. I know you don't want a party, but if you want there's some cake in the teacher's lounge if you want." Linda offered.
Normally, he would have scoffed and turned her down rudely, but instead he just smiled and said "Sure, I'd like that."
The End
I hope that you liked this chapter. I know this is shorter than most of episodes, but I couldn't think of a way to make this AND another chapter. Stay tuned for the credits.