A/N: Sorry I know I've been really slow at writing recently, RL has been pretty manic and changing in the last month.
I really wasn't expecting to make this chapter as M as it came out so I think I've done something bizare and written kinky fluff…we'll see how you guys find it! There is one last little epiloguey bit to follow in a few weeks LOL, but this is pretty much complete now YEY :D.
Thank you for all the reviews and things for every one of my fics, I really appreciate them all – love you guys :D
"This was goodbye."
"No it fucking wasn't!" I say, twisting in my binds, not even caring that I leave the necklace chain broken - what's the point in faith if you don't trust it to catch you when you fall? "If it was you're bloody awful at them!"
The injudicious belt stays fastened, and undoing it means facing away from you, giving you time to continue your path away.
"You got what you wanted…" I hear you sigh. "See ya."
"You think what I wanted was a blowjob? Not that I didn't want it but-" fuck I've turned into you, my mouth rabbiting away.
All I can see, all I can focus on is your hand on my door and all that that symbolises.
"Well what did you want then?"
"You," I say as an impulse.
You turn on your heal to see as the truth lies simple between us.
Your eyes spark like those words could light your life, but then you blink the sadness back. This is the only thing I can offer you, bliss and regret. You deserve so much more than everything I have, please don't keep waiting for me. You know I'm wretched and the fact I'm asking you to stay is the true colour of my feebleness.
But still your question comes slow and clear.
"You want me to stay?"
My impossible answer comes in the taut silence of two hearts beating.
"Do you want me to stay?" Your words are solid - giving me another chance to break your heart.
"Brendan, you can't keep doing this to me, I have a life to live y'know."
And I want you to live it, your happiness is my only purpose, do you not realise that I have tried everything? I even tried dealing with my life. But you've come back to me every time, even when you know that you should hate me you act like your true happiness is found in our embrace.
"I'm not trying to stop you."
"But you do though!" Your words are sharp, your hand a fist against my wall. "For fuck's sake Brendan I didn't exactly leave my husband for you but you didn't make it very easy, and fucking Noah, and I've proper tried everything but… I just can't get over you!" Your words are softer now, calmed in the distance between us, so the bitter words are only coloured with grief.
You look so sad.
My touch on your shoulder is offered to pull your smile but you stand as cold and ridged, as unreachable as diamonds.
"And I can't be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me-"
"Who said I don't want to be with you?" my words trip before I can think because I never want you to doubt that.
"Don't have to say it to make it true. It's fucking impossible to have this conversation with you naked Brendan! And you didn't fucking even…" Your eyes drop away from the anger, your tone deepens, "you didn't even come, to the hospital, I asked for you and you didn't come."
The distance has hurt you as much as me, all I want to do is lay you bare and mend the scars of us with a kiss.
"I couldn't-"
"You could."
"I was the reason you were there," I say, how do you not know loosing you would have been my punishment?
"Nah, I was there cos of a mini bus being driven by Maddie Morison. You should have come never mind Doug or anything else, you would have come if you wanted me, if you loved me-"
"I came every day – why else do you think you have that?!" I say, pointing at the cross, the symbol of my determination to keep you safe lies broken from our heat. "I came even though it killed seeing you like that."
"I came and held your hand and held your husband and prevented him from running away, and I gave you my cross."
I list everything I did for you because I had no choice but to make sure you would be safe.
I sigh, I never would have done anything less.
"I did all that for the same reason I stayed away when you woke up."
"I don't get it Brendan."
"It's because I love you!" Your eyes darken on those three little worlds. Fuck you really don't know how I feel for you do you? You really don't get what I would give to ensure your eternal happiness, even after all these miles.
"So I made a promise to God; I dealt that I'd leave you alone as long as He kept you safe. Because," and I say it a second time because it's time for the truth of us to be heard over all the lies. "Because I love you and there was never a single second I stopped."
Those words cause time to stop and all there is is the beat of your heart close to mine. All there is is you and me and it's as if there has never been anything else that matters.
I feel like I watch in slow motion as you swallow hard and your eyes flash. The swallow is to clear your mind and your look's search is a quest for truth, I know those actions because I can read you. I know you, every inch of you, because I've memorised every cell.
But with ease you still surprise me. A laugh bursts from your lips like you're carefree. My brow furrows in confusion.
"Sorry but, well that promise was proper dumb wasn't it?"
"What?"
"Well I'm not saying there'd be no point to my life if you weren't in it, but I would have quite happily wasted my life with Doug till I saw that bloody stupid chain. And if there is fate, I'm not sure me, but if there is there's only one man I'm meant to be with."
And you mean me, and you believe that we're destined and maybe we are because lord knows we're inescapable and that keeping away from you is the sharpest torture I've ever known.
"Aaand" you say elongating the word with a sigh. "There's definitely only one person on earth who can make me feel safe, proper safe." You repeat my magic word and I feel my every cell smile as you weave that spell of forever love.
"Who's that then?"
Your smile returns my own, and you tip your head to the side as I step closer to you, this smile playing on your beautiful lips.
"My own personal ninja - he jumps in front of guns for me."
"Does he?" I beam at that look in your eye, as though everything I am is more than enough to make you completely content. "He must love you very much to do that."
"Yeah," you smile as though that simple comment is all the confirmation you need. "Yeah that and he's a right idiot!"
And then you laugh, truly, properly and the tune pulls my own. And our bodies move as if in synchrony once more. You open for my presence as I stand in between your legs, your arms flat against the wall as. There is no inch of even a feather touch, as we just stand here, take the time to look and know each other. When our chests are a breath's distance apart our hearts find their harmony.
You're looking at me like I'm your world again, only this time properly. Now it's removed from sex it's all of you looking at all of me, and I can see in every inch of you that I'm you're everything, just as you are mine. Steven you are my everything, know that. You are my constant and my reason and I'm not going to spend one more day without this feeling. I will never ever be worthy of this love but it may be my only cure, the only thing that could make me a better man.
"Steven," I sigh your name, not with any real need to, just because I can, because you're here once more; just with true elation. "This wasn't really goodbye was it?"
"You weren't really gonna leave me were you?" You ask and someone should tell you that rhetorical questions aren't supposed to sound so sceptical.
But your eyes drop and the truth of the question stings through me – the torture of our enforced separation still so raw.
Your question hangs in our air, the doubt a noose. I just press my hand against your cheek, looking for the words to keep us safe in our world. Your smile lets me know it's OK that you will forgive me this without words but please know that even if I had left I would have taken you with me in every step, thought about you for the rest of my days. I never did find the way to get you out of my head.
"Do you think there's ever going to be a final goodbye?" I ask.
"Maybe not," you smile. "I'd be fine with that, me, for the record."
"Me too, for the record."
XXXB&SXXX
My eyes trail over you, naked in my bed, our bed. Our blinding colours are diminishing and the intense emotions are calming as I watch the steady rise and fall of your sleep. Coming back to you will always feel like this, like I can't possibly take everything, absorb everything, stop anything. Like I'm balancing on a precipice over life itself looking down at the damaging fall and basking in it's beauty. And then satiated finally, I wonder how I've ever stayed away, our cooling sheets and wrapped bodies feel like home.
As we stood against the door I counted the beats of your heart, finally understanding its rhythm.
"Can I kiss you now?" I breathed over your lips, to make that look flash in your eye and entice that whimper.
Your beg consumed me in memories. Our kiss was fierce, I wanted to bury into you, climb inside you and never leave you. And you met me step by step, lick by lick, bite by bite. As my hands wrapped your arse you jumped into me and I could feel how on fire you were. I wanted to possess you, I needed to own your climax right then against the door but you insisted we go to bed, that I took you as I always used to because you needed me, only me.
In bed, it took one thrust of my middle finger to make you writhe, buck and cry, you were so fucking desperate for me, you let me own your every cell. I wondered how long it was since someone had taken you this thoroughly, known you this desperate – had Douglas ever known the pleasure? The thought made me jealous, possessive and I pushed inside you too soon. I drew an instinctive moan from your lips, and it was cloaked in pain. But your eyes flashed at me, open wide but so strong – you looked at me like I was your strength. Your moan of my name gave me the answer I needed; I knew that just like me it is only us that have created these heights. Only with you have I let my mind shatter and fallen to eternity.
You burst through me, all of you. It felt like we were exactly the way we were always supposed to be, like it is this way and this way only that I can get what I always wanted – your happiness, and your safety . You positioned yourself so you were bundled over me. With your arms wrapped over my hips, your legs hooked over my shoulders and your foot pressing against my spine I felt like I could protect you. I had forgotten what it was like to be in that moment and just feel with all of me, know that it's more than sex, more than just our bodies uniting. I forgot because it is only you who has made me feel like that, and I felt your name disappear from my lips in a gasp. Face to face with all the intensity I was almost paralysed, sheathed inside you.
"Hmmm…come on," you moaned, thrusting as far into me as you could get, trapped between me and the pillow under your back angling you for that position.
I pressed a kiss against your throat, the dent in your collar bone. I wanted to decorate you with my kiss, I wanted every inch of you to shine from me for everyone to see. I shifted slightly, rolling my hips as I licked a stripe from your shoulder bone to your ear, and your whimper this time was drenched in prolonged pleasure. But you pushed against my shoulders, your power taking me by surprise as you changed our position. Your hand grasping the base of my cock, careful not to lose me from you as you straddled me. With your legs wrapped around my hips you rode my cock forcefully pushing down quickly again and again. You always wanted it fast and rough.
I watched as your eyes travelled down us and they darkened magnificently. I followed your gaze and saw us connecting, my cock pushing into your hungry arse like I belonged there. You rose to the very ridge of my cock, gyrating your hips, your toned, tanned, taught skin exposing mine paler, harrier. Then I would disappear - your butt sinking to the root, my balls brushing up against you. And your cock was bouncing from the hard merciless rhythm. And there were no words for how fucking sexy it was, that it was the most licentious thing either of us had seen, or to describe how much I wanted to see it for the rest of my life. Your gaze met mine, hooded and dilated and words drenched in heat slipped from your lips.
"Fucking hell Bren," you said all breathless, "you better proper never stop fucking me."
"I don't intend to," I responded.
My fingers gripped the short strands of your hair as I forced your mouth down to mine. But just before the reunion of lips I pulled away slightly as you cried for our kiss. That incredible look of submissive frustration in your eye was my intention, and I needed to promise you something between our hearts.
"It doesn't get any better than this Steven, this time I'm keeping you."
"Not just for Christmas?" You laughed, as you always do if there's anything just a little too serious.
It's a nervous reaction, and I knew it's because I trained you not to feel in these moments, to dull out your heart with the sounds of your body. It was time I stopped that, time I told you how exposed our sex leaves me – time I let you know that you will always be my world.
"For much longer, if you'll have me? " I tried to redefine our relationship with equality, I don't own you any more than you own me.
"Can't say no right now can I?" You teased, sinking down on me once again.
You looked up at me through your long thick eyelashes adorably nervous but determined.
"I wouldn't say that, me" you added, "wouldn't say no, I mean."
"I know," I whispered as I pressed my lips to your forehead, "thank you."
You focused on the visual dance of our bodies uniting as I followed the mutual rhythm of our heartbeats.
When your eyes found me again they sparkled like they were clear blue, like there was no barrier between me and your soul, but they were also focused, your jaw set in determination – you were giving me one last chance, there is no way in the world I will waste it.
"I love you, Steven." I whispered trying to add more meaning to those words, trying to pretend that I hadn't misused them before then – before I even knew what love meant.
As we kissed our mouths were wide, and it was all heat and spit and suction, an intricate pattern of teeth and tongue and lip - messy and complicated but filled with memories and so fucking right. It was just us, the perfect description of us and it pushed me further to the brink.
Our lips parted at the same time and as our gaze flashed we shared the same thought – we needed to see more. Your cock was harder and thicker than before as it barely trembled from your movements over me, your balls swollen and red, and you looked so fucking close, I just wanted you to come undone, I wanted to own the acme of your sex. I snatched your cock, working a hard pattern of desire, swiping at the head in that way I didn't know until there was you and everything we've done. Your forehead rested against mine as I felt your every muscle shake.
"God Brendan I'm proper close, me," it was dressed in disappointment.
"Good," I said as I wrapped one arm around your hips, helping you keep up the rhythm as I teased your highest pleasure.
"No! You're not even proper high yet and I want you to come too, I love it when we come at the same time, you're proper hot."
"We're gonna do that too," I said, "I'm going to make you come in about thirty seconds, and I'm gonna ride out your waves, keep moving inside you," your eyes flashing showed me that my words were pushing you further, and I elaborated. "I'll be slow and gentle, my cock deep inside you, and then when you're ready I'm going to flip you and fuck you into the mattress and this time when you come it'll be because I'm coming inside you."
You moaned, your head tilting up, I pressed a kiss into your throat.
Your movements started to falter and I pressed up into you, bouncing the mattress to meet your strokes.
"I'm gonna keep you coming Steven cos I'll never, ever be done with this."
Your whimper told me to talk you through, as I worked my hand in a hard unrelenting pattern over your cock.
"Steven," I sighed, because I love the way your eyes flash when I say your name. "You look so incredible when you come,"
A tremble shook from your calves against my back, to your thighs around my hips and your chest pressed into mine.
"I missed it," I said with unashamed honesty, "do it for me, let go, now."
It was a command and you fulfilled it with a groan that I could feel rack through the whole of you. With your head tilted back I knew the moment I lost you to the fracturing sensations of us, just before your seed burst all over my hand. Your arse clenched so fucking hard around my dick, I gritted my teeth and thought about everything and anything to stop giving in and sharing your pleasure. Your eyes met mine, flashing in your heat as you continued to fracture and fuck you looked so incredible I so nearly lost it, but from that moment on I will keep every promise I make you. I stopped my movements inside you though, a compromise, as I stayed sheathed deep within you, up against your prostate.
Your breaths were deep as you came back down to earth. I moved slowly through each of your aftershocks. You buried your face into my neck, and just breathed my name, again and again like it was some sort of prayer. When you were back with me, your eyes expectantly trailed me waiting for the next part. I placed each soiled finger into my mouth, slowly lapping at the taste of you, because I still want to know every inch of you, and because I remembered the way your eyes flashed when I do that. You were almost instantaneously hard – my insatiable boy.
You tugged my hand away, using your tongue to open my lips, and you kissed me deeply like you were chasing the taste of us. You cupped my face, fingers spreading against the nape of my neck, and you used all those little tricks you learned to seduce me. Easily I gave you my whimper and I felt you smirk into the kiss.
You started to move slowly against me, gently releasing my cock from your tight confine, and your lips parted to let out a keen that was wrapped in pain and sensitivity. I could feel my skin catch and stretch as your muscles awoke from their satiated lethargy.
You pressed your forehead against my cheek and your eyes closed.
"No-one else knows how to do this, make me come one after the other, and you do it like it's proper easy. Fuck Brendan, this - it's been like forever, I feel like you're all over me, proper like you are me. Do you even know? I'm not even making any sense am I, me?"
I hooked your chin with my thumb and as our eyes connected I whispered,
"If you knew how much I missed you, you'd know you're making perfect sense."
You smiled at me like I was your euphoria and you were renewed.
There will never be anyone that's even comparable to you Steven. With most guys I get it over as soon as possible so I force myself to come when they are. If they're weaker than me and too quick I'll withdraw and wank into their mouths. That's the habitual pattern because, with them, sex will just be sex – a bodily culmination of animal lust and physical attraction. With you it's more, has always been more, it's like we share a promise each time we share our bodies, and all I want to do is bury myself inside you and never leave. You are my sanctuary. I tried to find the words that could explain this but before I could you squeezed rhythmically around my cock, pulling up, sinking down. My fingers tightened against your hips as I felt a tightrope of pleasure pull before me. My lips parted for a trapped breath.
"Your turn," you whispered deep, as your next thrust turned against me a little, twisting tightly and that tightrope looked so fucking appealing. "Damn I proper want you to come in me Bren, and I can feel it, it's gonna take you a second."
Your voice was my trigger and all I was was impulse.
"I'm gonna fuck you so hard, Steven."
"Don't make promises you can't keep," you teased that smile pulling at your mouth.
God Steven I love your spirit but the things it does to my heart and my body you really should only be sassy sparingly, not when I'm pulled so tightly you could play me. My mind not even responding, I tightened my fingers in your skin, denting the smooth flesh with my finger nails and flung you into the mattress face first. Your knees pulling up instinctively. In a second I had your thighs parted, your hole puckered and the head of my cock pushing against you.
"Don't pretend that you don't know I can."
I rammed into you to an incredible keen that bounced from all four walls of my bedroom. I could feel my cock pull against your tightening walls.
"Fuck Steven, so fucking tight!"
Your moan reminded me that this is you, that this means more than just a selfish release, that I need to care for you, protect you, release you too.
My arms flung out around the mattress looking for a hook as I felt a blinding spark echo throughout me.
"What are you doing?" You asked as I began to slowly withdraw.
"We need more lube."
"Hard – you said."
"I don't wanna hurt you."
"Fuck off Brendan – what do you think I am?" You asked before you pushed right back onto me in one swift thrust. "Do you not remember Tequila, your office, Vegas night?"
I laughed deep, pressing my lips to your skin as memories flooded me. You wide open on your back, begging and writhing on the floor. Your exposed skin tasted of lime, as with a warm butt plug and an empty Cuervo bottle you showed me exactly what kinks you prefer.
You're not only the only man I've ever been in love with, you're also the best I've ever had, matched in every bedroom way.
"Right? Yeah - you remember," you whispered, your voice darker than I'd ever heard. "take me like that now."
That's how you left me, shaking from every cell, all I could sense in every pore was you pressed against my chest, tight around my cock, your voice swimming in my focus as I could barely remember a time that wasn't ours. I was possessed by us, fighting for our ultimate desire.
My thrusts were animalistic, unconscious, you tore at my very soul.
Every time I came back to consciousness I saw your head banging against the headboard, every inch of you was tight as you keened against the pain-laced pleasure. There'd be a moan that would flood over me and I'd be lost again.
"Fucking kiss me Steven!" I demanded in a pant, and over your shoulder our mouths were a battle as I swallowed each sound from your lips.
Every thrust released a keen and every keen made everything hotter, darker. My chest slid against your back slick with sweat. It was fucking dirty, messy, hard and I loved every second.
I released first, shooting into your welcoming arse with an orgasm that reached every extremity. It wasn't long till my hand stripped you off all, my name on your lips like a repetitive benediction. I felt your arms give way so I wrapped mine around your chest holding you against me, ensuring you were strong enough to feel every single second of this world cracking climax. I need to be the best you've ever had, I need to own you. When my hand was full of your seed I felt your whole body sag. I pulled you into the dry side of the bed, tucking you under my arm as you lay on top of me, fitting in that space that was carved for you.
That's why we're like this now. All of that is the reason why you're tucked into my arm lost to the world at four o'clock in the afternoon. But I won't even suggest that it's not that you're sleeping, it's more that you're passed out from the intensity of us – I value my life too much now that you're in it.
Instead I pull you tighter against me, for the first time in months of hard desperation the thing in my embrace is the one person I want more than the world. I feel the sadness, the grief, the desperation flow out of me and bid it farewell, promise I will never feel like that again. I press my lips into your sweat-slicked hair and smile - this goodbye feels more like a hello.