I'm a human, she says. In this world. A human.
And I've been running around naked!
I can't put on the tablecloth because it makes you go looney. Who puts mercury in a tablecloth? Only Dr. Buck and this shotgun-riding world would.
I barely get Zera to her feet before I'm panicking about my public nudity. All this time! I'm so ashamed!
"Bucky, do you have clothes we could borrow?" requests Zera as she defiantly stands in front of the Bear. He doesn't look happy about her calling him Bucky, but I only think she's mimicking Dirty Marty.
"As soon as you help Marty clean the mess YOU made," he growls and slams a garbage bag in her grip. She says nothing and bends over, retrieving pieces of pottery. I really have more important things on my mind than to look at her toosh. It's old news now. Too bad I'm unable to steal Dr. Buck or Marty's attentions, however. Very frustrating.
The only thing I can do is help with the after-party disaster. I find cutlery as far as the pond and IN the pond as well. It's a sad day when a great warrior such as myself is fishing a teapot out of the mud. Dirty Marty's stories of the high sea and his part time job as a porcupine juggler made the time slip by a little faster. I avoided Zera, and I believe she did the same to me. Marty made the mistake of trying to reach for her backside and when she retrieved the Fire-tool and threatened to juggle his intestines with it, he went back to just pining for her. I don't understand everybody being so hormonal. There's more to life than sex.
Strangely, I'm feeling homesick again. Seeing the others threaten, laugh, and boss around makes me think of my family. After I drop a load of broken plates into a dancing trash can (good thing I have quick reflexes), I round up my Mirror Family tools and have a small conversation with them.
"I guess I want to make sure you're all okay." I can hear the sadness in my own voice. It's not my intention, but it's the way I feel.
"Some food got on me, but nothing serious. We were all far from the madness!" April the purse chirps. When I hear her voice, I know everything will be fine. Like magic.
I wipe a bit of unknown substance and origin from her pocket. "I'm not certain of this universe and how it works. When I looked in the mirror, I saw myself. As me, the mutant turtle. It's not the greatest thing to be in my world, but I've come to terms with who I am and why I was bred molded this way."
Further down the table, Zera and Dr. Buck quietly discuss taxes.
April doesn't answer, but I proceed, "Now I'm what my brothers wish to be. Nobody has said anything, but I'm..." I look down at myself and it's perfectly clear to me now. "Human naked, and that's a little obscene."
"Reach inside me and pull out whatever you want," April meticulously instructs. "I have a full wardrobe and every style line your heart could wish for, Cowboy."
"She called you cowboy!" Mikey's screechy voice blares from the purse. "I see a whole bunch of cool stuff in here! Including hats, rhinestones, and spurs if you dig that."
"I'll politely skip that line. I remember the last time we dressed up as cowboys and Indians, Mikey, and it didn't go down well at all." Listen to me. Talking to a telephone like it's my real brother. I think I'm finally going bonkers.
I grab a half-broken plate and cover myself while I approach Zera. She helps Dr. Buck replace the tablecloth and is fuming, probably about the taxes discussion. When I call for her, she softens and scampers over to me. I know she's hoping I'll take her away from her cleaning duties. I've seen that look many, many times.
"I'm not usually in the position of skirting off chores, but I really need to get some clothing and I have a plan. Do you want to come with me?"
She fixes her eyes on my dinner plate. "They eat off that, yeah?"
"I'll throw it away. Are you coming with me or not?"
She nods and we slip away further down the table. I toss the plate in the trash can without looking and eagerly open the purse.
"Cool! You made it!" Zera shouts and I motion for her to jump into the purse. I follow close behind, and we leave the crazy dinner party from the Netherworld behind us.
Landing in a pile full of clothes has been one of the easiest problems in my crime-fighting career. Fighting a teenage robot girl obsessed over her wardrobe is not.
"We mean no harm!" I plead while dodging eye lasers, tampon missiles, pad bombs, avoiding bras and lingerie, and wondering where Zera went. I really hope I can find some male-worthy clothes in this place or I'll just continue blessing the countryside with my buttocks and, as Mikey calls them, "goodies". There's nothing good about a missile bee-lining for your reproductive package! Luckily, they all dissolve into some powdery substance instead of a ball of fire.
Barely escaping with everything in-tact, I zip through the place and seize a creamy bra and a black dress for Zera. Might as well kill two birds with one stone! The last thing to do is shut down that robot girl, and as the tenth tampon missile screams for me, I bounce off the jelly-like walls and head straight back to her. I jump on her chrome head avoiding the lasers, but I forgot how sensitive my groin area is now and hastily change my plan. A swift kick to her stomach area put her out of commission and me with my dignity.
While I have a moment to breathe, I realize that tampon missiles is a new one, and I laugh at my misfortune. Wipe a little powder dust off me and my feet and I'm all dandy.
"I'm sorry," I bow and tap her on the head, "I really need these and you were in my way. I will bring them back as soon as I can." She has a name-tag imprinted on her chest. "Again, I apologize. Santa."
A little twitching and electrics fizzling aside, Santa is fine. I think she even mumbled something as I walk away.
"Zera!" My voice echoes down a long, silvery corridor. So many doors to choose on my left and right. This won't make searching for Zera easy at all. Why didn't she wait for me? Maybe she was kidnapped? I have my doubts about that theory, but as Don says: unlikely but possible.
A door creaks open, recoiling its echoes against the walls and gives me a little shudder. What's going to appear? A giant tap-dancing lobster or a cactus who is late for its high school reunion? I jolt from the paranoia and stand guard.
Sandy fur, slender legs, and a fluffy tail emerges. Relief.
"Ymoh!" Alarmed, but she seems fine. She glides down the corridor and immediately notices the bra and dress. "For me?"
"Definitely for you."
"You didn't find anything to wear?"
"I didn't have that much time to browse. Did you see the robot girl in there?"
Zera studies the bra and places it over her chest. It's the first time I can actually look at her chest without feeling like a pervert. "It looks nice on you." I lean closer to her face so that she will get the hint to acknowledge me. "Robot girl?"
"Oh!" Her ears flutter. "Santa! She was really nice. What happened between the two of you? Did you say something to make her mad?"
I almost feel offended but swallow the rebuttal. "Apparently she doesn't get a lot of male customers, or she winds up burying them in her jelly walls. I had missiles and bombs launched at me."
Zera snaps the bra in her front and slides it around her back. "It's good that you're safe. I don't see a scratch on you." She takes the dress, steps in it, and pulls it up her body. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Ymoh."
"Stop calling me that. Call me by my name." I stand proud but realize, AGAIN, that I'm human-naked and I have nothing to shield her from my genitals. She doesn't seem bothered by it so I let it go. Just let it all hang out. It's certainly not the weirdest thing to see in this universe. "Leonardo. I want to be called by my name."
She's not buying it. "What is your last name?"
"Hamato."
"I shall call you Hamato."
"I accept." I bow to her, and she pats me on the head. "No, you return the bow. Like this."
As soon as she mimics me, I pat her back on the head. For a tiny moment, I missed her being a normal fox.
"Let's choose a door, Ym- Hamato," she vents and twirls away in the black dress. It looks really dashing on her, bringing out her natural curves and physique and lights up her eyes and contrasts well with her fur.
"Just one thing, Hamato."
The dress might be a little too long for her, but I like long dresses. Nothing too skin tight and trashy. This definitely looks better on her than the tuxedo dress from earlier.
"Hamato?"
I float back to Wonderland. "Yes?"
"You forgot my underwear. I should steer away from air vents and perverted men."
A retort bubbles on my lips, but she winks at me and opens a door. It wouldn't be great timing if a gust of wind didn't charge out of the door and send her dress in all directions. Too busy chuckling at her misfortune, I almost didn't hear Santa charging behind me, holding out pantyhose and, I'm guessing, wanting to choke with me it. I waste no time and push Zera into the windy door for our dramatic escape!
…...And it spits us out like sour milk and bolts itself shut. I didn't even have time to blink!
Santa's buzzing and fizzing zips me back to the problem, and I scout for another door that hopefully won't be too picky. All of them are locked!
I'm halfway down the hall when I hear two voices conversing.
"Dress is perfect. He has good eye," Santa's robotic tone is almost indistinct blended with the echo. "Why did he kick me?"
Zera dusts herself. "He said you attacked him."
"Santa thought he was naugh-ty. Naked and troublemak-er. No toys for bad boys."
"He's not a bad boy, but I agree that he is naked. It bothers him a lot. Would you mind showing us your full line of men's wear?"
Pop, buzz, rattle. Santa shakily turns back to her headquarters. "Would love to. This way."
…..Of course, it would be that easy. Why didn't I just ask her to show me a full line of men's wear while she blasted off my right arm and crippled me? Zera is giving me one of those 'get your stuff together and follow us' looks.
When I catch up with her, I set the facts straight. "I defended myself, Zera. She didn't give me time to get my thoughts in order before launching assault strikes. I am not ashamed!"
She's perturbed, I can tell. "Did you have to kick her so hard? You should be a gentleman and repair her as payment."
"I know very little in the way of mechanical skills. You have the wrong Hamato."
"Then learn!" she hisses at me.
And I did something I thought I would never do in a million years. "You're going to help, Dumbo!" I yank on one of her ears and disappear before she can murder me. My beautiful, spontaneous Mikey moment.
While Santa drones about her collection and the history of clothes, I conveniently hide in the boxers section. Zera is running mad through the place, pushing racks against the wall, flinging hats high in the air, and trying to sniff for me. Good thing I'm not my normal turtle self or she would know where I am right away!
"Over here, new line of luxuri-ous men's bell-bottoms..."
She'll never find a ninja! I whip around the massive warehouse and snatch the first clothing article that catches my eye. I even sneak behind Zera at one point and steal a pair of women's underwear for her. I hope she likes little pink frilly squids.
Santa beeps. "Maybe you like grunge look? On this w-all. Large line of anarchists' appa-rel."
I'm all dressed in casual wear, mostly black and blue, and – oh! Shoes. Boots, to be exact. I need a good stomping boot when I shove it into the mermaid's mouth and force her to take me home and preferably before she goes deep sea "fishing" on me. I might end up like Dirty Marty and only have seven wooden teeth and no 'goodies'.
Santa falls silent, and I already feel the guilt pressing on me again. There's no other choice but for me to repair her. Somehow. I reach into the deepest part of my memory and retrieve my pseudo-Donatello side. So many wires and connectors and gizmabobs await me! I'll have to do my best because it'll be one step closer to reaching home and embracing my family.
With renewed commitment, I peer inside Santa's petite cyborg body, and I find …... two little wires. That's it. Two wires that are severed from the cavity and it's not difficult to tell which slots they marry. I get a little excited that it's not as difficult as I thought, but a little voice is making a big noise in my head: 'Proceed with caution.' It nearly overpowers the subtle 'Watch out! Angry fox lady closing in at 3 o'clock', but I easily out-maneuver her claws and save Santa in the process.
"What an angry elf you are, Zera!" Shaking my finger at her and clicking my tongue, "You'll scare all of the customers away!"
I have my back turned to her, but her glare could eat a hole through me, I'm sure of it. Unfortunately for her, dealing with hot-heads is a full time job for me. She tries every attack under this wacky sky, sneaking and pottering around my work area. It keeps me light on my feet and brain power, too. Connect the wires, rattle on Santa's head, knock on it, and push the big orange "REBOOT" switch. Let's see what happens!
...Nothing. Darn!
"Hello? Are you there, Santa?"
A coat hanger bangs on the floor.
"Saaaaanta?"
I feel a huffy presence behind me and when I peer upwards, Zera oozes her freezing scowl and twitches her stiff whiskers at me. I deserve it. Going to be very honest here and take any heat like an upstanding young man, such as myself, would. I'll let her get a free hit in or two. However, instead of caving my skull in, she merely slinks past me and bends to Santa, cheerfully saying, "Hello! I would like to have a look around your store today. Would you mind showing me your best deals?"
Viola! Santa is fully functioning and whizzing around the store, pointing and lecturing in her archaic tone, but she's okay and that's a huge relief for me. I give my cheesiest grin at Zera, much like what Mikey does to me when I one-up him. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, but at least she's smiling again.
Santa hiccups and continues, "Thank you. Would you li-ke to go on trip to pretty place? No monsters or volca-noes."
"That's very nice of you, Santa, but I'm in a hurry to go back and continue my journey home. See, I need to find a mermaid with-"
"Has all kinds of mer-maids. Forest near the Plotnob sea. Cafes, saunas, gold-fish buffet."
Zera has a meteoroid shower in her eyes. "Even the coconut goldfish? Turkey? Barbeque? Mustard?"
That almost makes my stomach churn. I think if Santa had one, it would do the same because she pauses before answering, "Yes. All you can eat and plenty of bath-rooms available."
"Can we go? Please please please, Hamato?" Her shoes lift off the floor and her ears bounce to the tune.
"Only because it might be the place where I can find the mermaid. I can't get off the course and lose focus."
Zera takes off her shoes and hands them to Santa. "I told you I would help, Hamato! Just let me have a little bit of goldie and pineapple root beer, and I'm in tip top shape!" She looks around the warehouse and then back at me. "And where did you find your clothes and boots? I prefer men's boxers because it leaves enough breathing room for my tail. Hat! I can't forget a hat!"
Santa motors in one direction, and Zera another. Placing her pink underwear back on a stack of khakis, I calmly speak aloud, "I was pretty proud of finding that dress." You can't please everyone, especially women.