Credit: Alex Hamato with the "Frixie Pixie" name.
I can only count a handful of times that I've enjoyed the thrills of a roller coaster.
"Hamato, hang on to your pretty hat!"
Possibly two or three times. I like adventure, but mostly, seeing the excited looks on my brothers' faces was more fun for me. Call me silly or cheesy, it doesn't matter. They are the ones who make me smile.
"You're about to lose your purse! Hang on tight!"
The Typhoon Express is...
"Oh! There goes part of that telephone, Hamato. Waaaaaay down there! Hey! YuckMouth! Get your hand off my buttocks!"
…...a roller coaster ride around the intestines of Hell itself. This once golden, seemingly docile train has transformed into a tentacle-growing, grabbing, throwing, slinging, bouncing, boomeranging piece of mechanical torture. We're bounced around everywhere and shoving into each other's faces but none of our cargo goes flying. Except part of Mikey the Telephone and we almost lost April, but I thought Zera had her.
"Don't lose the hat!" Zera yelps and clings to my upper torso. I'm unable to answer since I have half of her head in my jaw. Very uncomfortable, what with all of the commotion and rebounding.
Everything moves and shuttles so quickly that I'm unable to see exactly where we are in Bizarreville. Zera desperately keeps the hat firmly on my head, and I don't want to lose the Mirror Family tools. I can hear all of them screaming for mercy from their placeholders. I'll have to apologize to them later.
The turbulence slows and eases through a dark thicket. The Tam bugs light the train's ceiling, casting a green glow on the passengers. I almost feel natural again, seeing the tint on my skin. I immediately check the family and ask them to sound-off for me.
…..I won't repeat what they said to me; I almost blush.
The conductor barks, "Attention! We are approaching your destination. As soon as you can, wipe your feet and get the hell off."
"Do we get any refreshments?" I mumble and stuff a blabbering Mikey back into the purse. Between him and Raphael's yacking, a headache is mutating behind my eyes. Sheesh!
Zera slaps the blazes out of, who I'm guessing is, Yuckmouth, the guy who was eating his teeth before the doom ride, and he vows to pleasures himself, daydreaming of her face while he's in Blue Sung Thicket. That awards him a punch in the face and what little teeth remained in his head is quickly scattered on the floor. Of course, he steps down and has a meal of it. I have to look away for a moment.
Even under the forest glow, she's radiating like hot iron. I humbly scoot from her, but the head-dress jingle gives me away, and I get a vicious glare.
"I think that was very disgusting what he said, Zera." Defense mechanism against feminine scowls.
Her ears bounce with annoyance and she harshly whispers, "Look around you! These aren't strangers!"
Almost every eye is on us, and she's absolutely correct in her assessment. Sine, the grouchy penguin door guard; the Twinkie Tree... yes, a TREE; the four Kiwi Bats, Zera's kind; Martha Bumingstead, naked, and Dr. Buck, the skeleton. Behind me: Dirty Marty, the Asian gentleman, and Dr. Buck the Bear. Santa the Cyborg with her menacing, glowing eyes at me rounds out the madness. I never caught the name of the pink leprechauns, the ones that threatened Zera.
"Frixie Pixies," her voice croons and she doesn't take her eyes off them, "I'll roast their testicles over fire."
"Let's not get that far ahead. Nobody has said anything to us."
But I speak too soon; the Pixie leader, in his tight green outfit, pink skin oozing from his sides and waddling down the aisle, thunders, "Cowards! We don't allow your kind on our train! This is the Pixie Express, and a haven for those persecuted in this cruel world."
I just know that any second, the hell-fennec beside me is going to snap and throw every passenger off the train, but to my surprise, she doesn't. She's standing firm and tall, like how she acted when I first arrived. No shake in her posture, eyes glued to her adversary. I feel almost ridiculous wearing the hat, and there she is being all heroic.
"I am persecuted, too, and ironically, by YOU." The train shakes and rattles, threatening its monster ride again.
The leader guffaws and elbows a nearby Pixie member. "An outsider like you? Lergnoks have no say in our community. Get off the train!"
Before I can intervene, a pair of giant brown claws weigh me down, pressing harder into my seat. Dr. Buck the Bear growls behind me and I hear a blaster's chirps near my ear. Even after I repaired Santa... this has to be an illusion. We haven't ticked off nearly a fraction of these people! I scan over the train and feel something very familiar again. I felt it when I battled the Express, and it didn't take long to solve the puzzle. A mini-bababuster is attached to all of the passengers in some form or fashion: behind their ears, necks, even on top of one's head (Martha's).
Buck the Bear is extraordinarily heavy, and his claws could tear me in half. Yuckmouth and a Kiwi Bat gang member drag Zera from her seat and force her down on her knees in front of the Pixie Frixie whatever leader. When I get lose, I'm stuffing him in the Twinkie Tree and chucking them through the ceiling!
"Why aren't you fighting back, Dollface?" Pixie sneers while grabbing her ear and pulling it as hard as his fat fingers could. My shoulders tense and I could almost shatter my teeth from clenching so hard. Bear compresses his strength on me, and the tip of Santa's gun licks my cheek.
Zera screeches from the pain, and the Pixie flicks out his knife and stretches out her ear. "How about we trim these down a little, eh? And we'll get your little Ymoh boyfriend next! His hair will go for a pretty price on the Crab Market."
When the train bumps a giant hole, Bear's claws are momentarily off my shoulders. My hands clutch Santa's gun, bringing her robotic arm to my mercy. CRUNCH! In half, raining pieces and wires on the floor. Wasting no time, my leg rockets into Bear's stomach and I lurch him over my shoulder and into the galloping Twinkie Tree, heading straight for me. Zera breaks free from Yuckmouth and headbutts him backwards. I'm sure he doesn't have any teeth now! The Pixies huddle in a corner while Martha and Dr. Buck the skeleton neck each other in their seat. We shouldn't have to worry about them!
Sine, the little grumpy penguin, leaps on a seat, facing me at eye level. I'm still very sore over what he did to the Twin Ladies at the antebellum home. "Why are we all fighting against each other if we have a common goal!" My voice carries like a shock wave through the cabin, but I waste my breath. As long as the mini-Bababusters leech off their brains, all attempts to settle will be futile. Sine's answer is pitching an over-sized sai in my direction; he's made a grave mistake throwing a very familiar weapon at me. Avoiding his strikes is simple, and picking him up by his head, launching him at the Asian gentleman fumbling with his camera, and the two collide head-first with their Bababusters disintegrating by their sides is like preparing a cup of tea. Bulls-eye!
I didn't have time to see an anguished Zera trying to summon her weapon, Sinai. We haven't seen Sinai in quite some time, I recall, and as Zera pleads for the weapon to fight by her side, the worthless Pixie gang bid for a blind strike. There's no time to call for Zera, and I harvest a good portion of my inner strength to use the Twinkie Tree and side swipe the pink leprechauns THROUGH the wall. Wind howls around us and loose cargo plus a Kiwi Bat member falls through the hole, and it occurs to me that I didn't use the best problem solving part of my brain on that one. I'll just blame it on seeing Raph make a mess of things too much.
As if the situation wasn't already peachy on the Express, the roller coaster adventure resumes and everyone barrages into each other, screaming and panicking. Sinai's magic glares and blinds all pupils on the train, shattering the Tams' weak glow on the ceiling. Once the spell dims, I am half a second away from witnessing Martha nonchalantly shoving Zera towards the black hole. Moving my body is difficult in the disturbance, and I see Zera falling towards the hole, tear stained face and devastated. The train swerves a 180 and the only thing that pops in my head is to use Buck skeleton's skull as a foundation and sail straight for Zera.
Through my feeble attempt to save her, Sinai is directly summoned, gleaming in the palm of Zera's hand; it assembles my fire-tool and mallet and creates a solid barricade over the gaping hole. Zera clings for dear life, the wind trying to claim her outside the tossing express. I grip tightly, until I can feel my skin cracking around the tools, and I reach as far as I can for Zera.
"Grab on me! I can pull you up!" The environment is deafening, and I'm not sure she can hear me at all; she's facing forward, under the train. "Zera! LOOK UP AT ME!"
Her puffy eyes and cheeks slowly make contact with me, and she weakly smiles.
"Come on! Get up here!" She's getting heavier, but I can't exactly say that to her.
Her black eyes grow wider and she yelps, "Watch out! Behind you!"
I hear a scuffle behind me, but I'm too tied up with my own problems to see what transpired. A bear claw and the awful smell of a rotten burger crowd around me and help pull Zera to safety. Sinai shimmers and Zera glides through the barricade without any of us falling through it. The train weaves through its joy ride and finally hits a lull again. I hug Zera and flatten the tuff of hair on her head. Behind me, Dr. Buck the Bear and Dirty Marty acknowledges us, and I bow to them. I suppose very few words could describe any of our feelings.
"Sinai," Zera whispers. "What have I done to not deserve you anymore?" She reaches for the weapon but it zaps her away and flushes purple.
It soon becomes apparent to me that I need to take control of the situation, to be a leader once again. Chaos is all over the train, and it bubbles in my chest to do something. To be somehow stable in a very unstable world.
Zera is thankfully very cooperative when I ask her to take another seat, far away from the hole.
"Dr. Buck, will you watch over her? I'm sorry that I had to slingshot you awhile ago."
Dirty Marty immediately steps forward. "The maiden is in good hands!" He slings maggots off his burger hand. While I admire his help, I'd rather assign the Bear to the job and avoid picking bugs out of Zera's fur. Once I'm confident the Bear has control, I hesitantly leave. She looks so small and confused the further away I move from her.
I step over the Twinkie Tree and a comatose Martha on the floor. I guess Bear and Marty handled that crazy woman easily. The final two remaining Kiwi Bats are coming to their senses, and an idea hits me.
"You two! Gather yourselves and come with me if you don't want a one way ticket through the abyss."
I hear no complaints from them, and they scuffle behind me. The Kiwi bats are twice my size, in leather coats, and dark sunglasses but with the bravery of a week old kitten. When we approach the conductor, he looks remarkably like Baxter Stockman so ordering the Kiwi Bats to dispose of him in any kind of way is both refreshing and satisfying.
Now driving this mechanical hurricane and seeing the zany, wondrous landscape of this land... I can't even begin to describe it. Not even enough sake, a wild week in Vegas, and my entire family hooked to a sugar pump could paint this picture. It looks like a oil pastel drawing with colors abnormal creatures zooming in all directions. Quite amazing, really.
I consider myself a decent driver: obeying all the signs, yielding when necessary, slowing down on the yellow light, and watching for pedestrians. It's impossible to drive safely with this machine! The steering wheel is as light as a feather and whirls like a wind-up toy. No wonder the train tosses everything around like it does! The Kiwi Bats try to help, and we gang up on the wheel, stabilizing it the best we can. I'm ready to release any contents in my stomach at this point, and that's very difficult for me to do.
Thankfully, the express settles, and we enter through a paradise with birds singing, the sun and moon hanging in the sky, majestic waterfalls, and heavenly... BLUE thickets. Blue Sung Thicket. Finally!
"Thank you for your help, gentlemen," I nod at the Bats. One turns to me and lowers his sunglasses.
"I'm a female," cracks the bass voice.
"Right... sorry. Thank you, miss."
I quickly peer for Zera while watching the track ahead of me. She's forlornly staring out the window. I hope we can resolve whatever problem she's having; sadness doesn't suit her. I believe this trip will be good for her and subsequently, good for us. My gut tells me that Blue Sung will point to my way home.
And as the train parks near a blue cheese and underwear factory, it will also point to my biggest challenge of this world yet.