Chapter 25 – Tricks up My Sleeve

I wake up to a shallow beeping noise and a bright light above me. I groan softly and knot my eyes tight to keep the light from burning through my eyelids like boiling water. Slowly, I blink them open to get a look around. The beeping becomes more audible. Beep. Beep. Beep. Suddenly I remember everything that happened and, with a gasp, I bolt up into a sitting position, my eyes wide like two orbs. The beeping gets louder, racing rapidly like the wings of a Snitch. Just like my heart when I realize where I am.

Looking around the room, my heart rate begins to slow, along with the noise, making it return to its hesitant beeping sounds. I'm sitting on a bed in a hospital room which I'm guessing is in the hovercraft. The shallow beeping noises I heard is a heart monitor beside my bed. I'm still wearing my jacket but my shirt is ripped with a few wires attacked to my chest for the heart monitor.

"They just brought you here." A voice says from nearby. I gasp softly and see Snape leaning against the doorframe.

I look at him, unable to speak. He begins to walk over to me and sits on the edge of the mattress, picking bits of dirt and dry blood from my messy white blonde hair. "You're a mess!" He says.

I still don't know what I look like, and looking around the room again, I see a long wall mirror near the doorway over Snape's shoulder. Why haven't I noticed it when Snape walked in? I wasn't really looking for it I suppose…

I jump slightly at my reflection. This is the first time actually seeing what the scratches on my neck look like. They're red scars now, and like Harry said, they run horizontally in four ribbon claw marks. There's one on my jaw line, two long ones on my neck and a smaller one on my shoulder that shows through a small rip on my jacket. The scratch on my cheek where Ron cut me is still there, but it looks slightly healed. My hair is matted and almost brown due to all the dirt and rust-colored blood that's in it. Not to mention it looks like I rubbed my head on a tree trunk, like a deer removing the velvet off its antlers. My face is bloody with dirt, and it also looks like I've lost weight. My face is a bit slimmer to the point where my cheek and collar bones show through my slightly tanned skin – at least being outside for days on end did me some good. Or that could just be the dirt covering my face considering I never get tan no matter how long I'm under the fire hot sun. Even my bones on my chest are slightly visible through the rips in my shirt.

"They weren't able to do much since they just got you here. You passed out from shock, but you were only out for a few minutes." Snape says. I turn to him tiredly, dropping my gaze. I'm not tired. I'm exhausted. But most of all, I just feel sick. My limbs are aching with shock and when I look down at the sheets I can see them quivering, like a refugee lost in a snow storm. Only they aren't shaking, my head is. I'm so stunned about everything that I can't even control the own shudder of my body. I feel nauseous, but not because I'm hungry. It's just because of everything… everything I've seen, everything I've done… but most of all I'm just sick of myself. I shouldn't be here. Why am I alive? I should be dead – I want to be dead. I hate myself more than anyone possibly could.

Snape sighs, "Hey, cheer up, already. You won. You should be happy."

I shake my shivering head. How could I be happy? The word even sounds evil to me right now. "Then why do I feel so miserable?" My voice sounds like sandpaper – scratchy and weak. I can barely bring myself to talk, but I try.

Snape doesn't answer. I feel hot tears fill my eyes as I remember Harry and Pansy. I grip the sheets into my quivering hands at the thought. The bandages on my right hand – from when I gripped onto Goyle's blade after Hermione's death – are removed. There's no pain, but I'm guessing there are a few scars on my palm and under my fingers. But I can't look to be sure. My grip is so tight around these sheets that removing my hands would probably lead to breaking my fingers off.

"I shouldn't be here…" I say.

"…What do you mean? You won. You deserve every right after what happened in that arena." Snape tries to sound reassuring, but it's not helping. I know he can tell Harry and Pansy's deaths are tearing me apart. And they are. They're tearing me open more than Goyle actually was. I feel so hallow without them here.

"I should be dead. I want to be dead… Harry should be sitting here right now, not me…" My voice is shaky now.

"Malfoy…" I look up at him with tears running down my dirt and blood stained face. He looks a bit shocked by this, but his face doesn't contract. He never changes his emotion – he makes it look like nothing can hurt him, but I can see the startle in his eyes. Yeah, his emotion hardly ever alters. But I know why. Because behind that stone hard face is a hurt and scared man. Snape has been broken a long time ago and now I feel every pinch of his pain.

"You don't know what this feels like…" I say. But he does. I just don't realize the words pouring from my mouth until they're actually released.

Snape shakes his head and, surprisingly, wraps his arms around me, hugging me close to him. Something my own father hardly ever did. "Believe me, Draco… I know everything you're feeling right now." I know you do, Snape. I know you do…

I'll admit, though, it does feel good being wrapped around by someone – even if it's Snape. I just need that comfort and protection right now. I've never felt more alone. I feel like a helpless little boy with no family – no friends – no home – no nothing. But maybe that's the honest truth as to who I really am. I lost all my friends; I don't consider the Manor a home; and above all I lost Harry. He became my everything and as soon as Goyle's sword pierced though his chest I had nothing. I have nothing worth living for now. But yet, here I am, alive when I should be six feet under. I'm scared… more scared then I've ever felt – even in the arena I've never felt this traumatized. I never thought losing someone would hurt this much. Never in my life did I think I could be broken. I'm snapped like a twig. Even though Goyle is dead… he won… he won the Games… because in the end he still got what he wanted, and that was to tear me down, make me watch Harry and Pansy die – he wanted to see the fear and pain on my face as I watched my two hearts shatter like broken glass. He won. I'm broken. And that's just what he wanted.

I'm crying, now, finally letting my emotions spill out. After all, I've been carrying them like a heavy load since the beginning. I'm clutching onto Snape's shoulder like I'm in pain – and I am.

I know he can't tell me everything will be okay – that I'll be okay. Because he knows I'll never be okay again. I'll always be stepped on – always be kicked around like a stray. And you know what, I'll let people step on me like I'm scum, and I'll be kicked around like a homeless dog. Because I just don't see the point anymore… I finally got what I wanted – I finally got Harry. And now he's gone… I'll never look into those perfect green eyes again, never feel those soft lips against mine… and I'll never be wrapped around in his strong, protective embrace ever again. And Pansy. She was there for me since the beginning. Even though I didn't love her like I love Harry, she still meant the world to me. She gave me hope and something else I never had: Courage. I never felt brave in my whole life, and she was just there to keep me on my feet and hold my head up even when I didn't want to. I miss them… I want them back. The thought of them only makes me cry even harder. I feel Snape rub my back as his shoulders slightly quiver. Is he crying to?

"Is this…" I try to say in a steady tone. "What it felt like when you lost Lilly?"

I feel him nod against my shoulder, "This is exactly what it felt like – still feels like."

We finally pull back and Snape reached to grab my right arm. My heart starts thumping when he pinches the object under my sleeve. I look at him desperately and shake my head.

"I won't say anything." He says, not looking at me.

"Just tell me one thing." I say. He looks at me thoughtfully, "Where do they keep the bodies?"

Snape blinks and pulls back. I lean forward, clutching the edge of the mattress with my hands. "Snape. Please… tell me."

"I can't, Draco… There's no way-"

"I'm finishing this thing. And I'm not doing it without him. Tell me where the bodies are, or I'll slit my own fucking throat and you won't have a victor anymore!" As I say this I keep my tear filled eyes on his. But I wish I could look around for any surgical tools to make my statement true. The Capitol probably knows Victors will attempt to take their own lives if they keep any knives around, so there's probably no use in searching. But that means they want me alive, right? They can't kill me once I've already won. But I wish they could…

I don't take my desperate eyes off him, not even for a second, "Snape." I sound like I'm begging now, leaning more closely, hoping he'd look at me. "Please…" It takes a moment, but eventually Snape sighs with defeat.

"They're in the base of the hovercraft. When we get back home the bodies will be buried. So I suggest you hurry."

"How long will it take to get home?"

"A day. They'll need to operate on you. You're still in bad condition, so if you're thinking about going before they fix you up, it's a bad idea. You'll have no energy. You look sick." I feel sick.

"I don't care." And I don't.

"You'll start trouble, Draco. They will find out he's back. It's not like you can hide him."

"Those bastards can't kill me now, I already won. I don't care if the Capitol hates me after this, Snape… I want Harry back!"

"Draco." Snape says more seriously, "Do you realize what this could cause? We're talking an uprising so big-"

"I don't fucking care! You would do the same for Lilly if you could, and don't you dare tell me otherwise!"

Snape breaks eye contact and I can tell I've won against him by the release of tension in his shoulders, causing them to drop. "I hope you know what you're doing, Malfoy." He gets up, "If you're going to do this, hurry it up. You know the spell?"

I nod.

"I'll try to cover for you." Then he leaves.

I wait a few minutes before taking the wires off of my chest and turning off the heart monitor before it freaks out in response to the wires being removed. Slowly, I get to my feet and look for my boots. They're right beside the night stand and I quickly pull them on.

I feel almost drunk standing up. Everything is spinning and it takes me a minute until I get my bearings. I shake my head and get most of my vision into focus before making my way out of the room, using various objects – like the bed and nightstand – to lean on so I can keep my balance. When I get to the door frame, I lean against it, close to the mirror. Sighing sickly, I press the base of my palm to my forehead and emanate a groan in my throat without opening my mouth.

I turn my head to my reflection and slightly cringe. I've never looked… this beat up. Looking at my cheekbones only makes me realize that I hardly ate in the arena and now, thinking about food, makes my mouth water. I weakly shake my head, trying to put food and water in the back of my mind for now. Gently, I push off of the wall and peer through the hallway, making sure no one is around.

The corridors are completely empty. It looks like this is the hospital wing. I don't see any doctors around, or even patients – I'm probably the only once since I'm the only one alive. I feel my empty stomach contract at the thought.

Alright, Snape said the bodies are in the base of the hovercraft. That means the lowest floor. There's got to be an elevator or stairs around here somewhere.

As I'm walking, I hear a soft hissing noise that makes me stop in my tracks instinctively. My eyes shift from room to room until I see a small green dot poking out around the corner. I fix my eyes on it until I see a long, green tree snake slither out into view.

"Sasha!" My face brightens up. It's good to see another living face. She slithers up to me like an excited puppy happy to see its owner return. I lean down to greet her and she snakes up my arm to wrap herself around my shoulders, nuzzling her scaly head against my cheek as she gently coils her body against me, being careful not to choke me to death.

I rub her head gently, "I missed you too." Her tongue grazes the corner of my eye and I can't help but smile as a chill runs down my spine.

"Sasha. Do you know how to get to the bodies?"

She looks at me, tilting her head. She doesn't understand me, but I think she can still hint a serious wave of my tone, because she slithers off of me and onto the ground, facing me with a somewhat serious expression on her small face.

"Uhm…" I say, trying to think. I push my bangs out of the way and trace an invisible lightning shape on my forehead with my index finger and look at her curiously. She seems to understand. Her eyes prick up, like a cats ears and she flicks her tail for me to follow her.

Carefully, I get to my feet and look over my shoulder to make sure I'm not being followed before I start after Sasha.

She leads me down the hospital wing and stops at a white door – similar to all the other ones here – and points her tail at it.

I look at her uneasily, "This is where Harry is… and the other Tributes?" I know she can't understand me so I point to the door and shrug my shoulders. She nods and slithers back so I can let myself in. This door looks like any normal door I see around this floor. Maybe it's meant to look like it leads to another room so that no one would get any ideas. Looking around one last time, I take a deep breath and reach my hand out to the handle. My heart starts beating faster with anxiety.

"I really hope I know what I'm getting myself into." I mumble softly, wrapping my hand around the door handle. It's cold to touch – almost freezing and I get an uncomfortable chill down my spine. Sasha presses her head against my leg, looking up at me with reassuring eyes. I know she's trying to comfort me and I smile gratefully at her for it – but nothing can calm me down. I know what I'm about to do will get me in a whole lot of trouble, but I can't turn back. If this is my only chance to bring him back – I'm not stopping now. I've been running from fear for too long.

The handle turns stiffly in my hands, as if this door has only been open once in a lifetime. There's a staircase in front of me, with not even a spark of light leading down. I press my hand to the cold, cemented wall to feel my way around, slowly stepping down each step so I don't fall into a pile of bodies.

Sasha is right behind me, moving her way down the stairs as well. When she's completely out of the doorframe, I shut the door behind me so no one will suspect anyone is down here. This only makes the path ahead even darker.

It smells in here – almost like a meat locker. Not to mentions it's freezing. I think I can see the mist of my own breath through the darkness. I sight and rub my arms together, shivering slightly.

Finally I stop and instinctively look over my shoulder. I can see the white glow of the door just above the flight of stairs behind me and stop when I think I reach the last step.

I loosen my right sleeve and stretch out my hand, allowing my wand to slip through my jacket sleeve and land comfortably into my palm. It feels good to finally be free of the burden considering I've been caring the thing under my sleeve throughout the whole Game. Although, the familiar feel of it brings back some warm memories of Hogwarts. But thinking about them will only get me upset, so I try to shake the memories away.

I grip onto the hilt of my wand tightly and extend my arm, "Lumos." I whisper in a shivery tone through the cold. The tip of my wand glows like one of those Muggle things – flashlights, I think they're called.

It's easier for me to see now, but part of me wishes I could turn back and run. But I don't. I'm standing in what looks like a basement. The walls around me are cemented. But they're nothing here aside from the bodies that have been slaughtered.

Part of me is use to the gore, now, but these are people I grew up with. Seeing them in almost pieces is pretty disturbing. I swallow hard, trying to fight back the nausea, but I feel like I'm about to be sick on the spot. I move the wand light around the room slowly.

Hermione is laying on her side, back facing me. There's a large stain of blood on the back of her Gryffindor jacket from when I stabbed her through with Goyle's sword. Luna is on her back, eyes closed – blood still hanging on her neck and mouth from the open slit on her throat. And Ron… he practically looks cut in half. I can't tell if the marks on his blood soaked body are from the mutts or the dragon. Either way it looks like he got attacked by something huge. Not to mention he looks partially burnt. The fire. I remember now, that's when I heard the cannon and thought it was Harry. I can't stand to look at him anymore. He's barely recognizable.

I move my wand light over the rest of the pile of bodies. Cho and all of the Hufflepuffs lay scattered with cut open throats, stomachs, some even missing limbs.

Finally, I reach Pansy and my heart sinks to my stomach. I fumble with my wand a bit, feeling as though I'll drop it. She's on her back, head facing away from me. Her chest cut open and empty. I swallow hard and force my way over to her. Sasha is right beside me, but I can tell she's uncomfortable here. Still, she stays by my side.

When I reach Pansy, I kneel down next to her unmoved body. This is my first time seeing her like this up close. I bite my lower lip to keep myself together and place my wand down on the cold cemented floor beside her hand, allowing the wand light to illuminate most of the scene.

Tears start running down my face as I slide my Slytherin jacket off to cover her body with it, completely shielding the gash on her chest. Besides, even though she's dead, I want her to be warm.

Sasha rests her head on my lap and looks up at me with sad eyes. She's… crying… there are actually small tears under her little snake eyes. I gently pet her head and try to force a smile. I can't manage it. Instead, I turn back to Pansy and reach over to tilt her head to look at me. Her mouth is soaked with dry blood, but her eyes are closed, now. I take a deep and shaky breath, pushing her bloody and matted black hair away from her face. I don't care how much blood she's covered in – she still looks beautiful to me.

"Pansy…" I say hoarsely and lean down to her face, gently kissing her ice cold forehead. "I miss you so much." My voice starts to break heavily and my vision becomes blurred by my tears. I shut my eyes tight and lose it. "And I need you." I say, almost inaudible. God, I need her so badly right now. I don't know what to do after this. She was my hope – my courage…. And now she's laying here – dead, right in front of me. I'm lost…

Pansy, help me. I don't know what to do…

I don't know how long I stay with her body, just crying over her, wishing she'd just come back to me, but I know I can't stay here. I lean back from her pale, bloody face and look down to pick up my wand. I blink at what the light is reflecting on: The snake ring on Pansy's finger. Her hand is full of crimson, but I gently pick it up and slide the ring off of her stiff cold finger, wrapping my hand around it tightly. I pick up my wand and stand numbly to my feet.

"Good-bye, Pansy." I say softly to her body as if I might disturb the others from their permanent sleep.

AN: So, I hope you understand the whole reason why Draco was so concerned about his right jacket sleeve in the arena. He broke some precious rules. But that was a pretty big plot point, guys and I hope you all caught onto it.

You're probably wondering why Draco can't revive Pansy here... The girl got her chest ripped open and her heart yanked out... she can't come back after that, people. Draco can do some pretty amazing things, but even he doesn't know how to fix her.

But anyway, I really hope you guys like this... let me know in the reviews. Well, anyway, time for bed. It's going on 1:30 in the morning and I got class tomorrow. Good-night everyone. I hope this kind of gives you peace at mind concerning Harry.