Jen sat at her desk with her head in her hands. Her heart was beating so fast in her chest, anxiety rising to her throat to the point where she thought she might actually vomit. Tilly was due in her class next lesson and Jen really didn't want to see her. In fact she couldn't think of anything worse. She silently chastised herself for feeling so angry at Tilly. It was her idea to break up, but she'd only done it because she didn't think it was fair on Tilly to wait for two years. She was so young and had experienced so little. Jen didn't want to hold her back. She just couldn't believe she'd already been skinny dipping and god knows what else in a pond with another girl just hours after they'd split up. Of course Tilly wasn't actually skinny dipping but Jens imagination had been in overdrive ever since she found out that morning that Tilly had been with Lexie. Jen looked at the clock. Just five minutes until the class would arrive. Jen took out her lipstick and painted on a smile. She wouldn't let this get to her. Wouldn't show that she cared. She was Jen Gilmore, she depended on nothing and no one to make her happy. Strong independent woman... Too strong to be broken. On the outside anyway... Her heart was in a million pieces inside and her soul felt destroyed.
Tilly stood outside the classroom staring into space. Not only was she dreading seeing Jen but she also had Lexie to contend with. She didn't need this right now. She'd avoided her friends all morning too knowing by the texts Sinead had sent that they all thought she'd been up to no good with Lexie last night. She just wished everyone would leave her alone. Everyone except for the person who was causing her to feel this way. Ironically. She just wanted Jen. Maybe after sleeping on it Jen will have realised what a mistake she'd made? Tilly silently hoped but deep down knew she was kidding herself. The look in Jens eye was determined. She'd made her choice. Which made the niggling in Tilly's stomach that Jen had met someone else wilder than ever.
"Oi." Lexie interrupted Tilly's thoughts.
"Hey." Tilly nodded. Trying to smile politely but failing.
"I'm so sorry about last night." Lexie started but realised Tilly was staring at the ground not listening. "Listen I don't ever apologise so appreciate it yeah? I read it wrong and I feel like a dick. Lets just forget it happened?"
Tilly sighed. "Yeah it's fine" still not completely listening.
Jen took a deep breathe and made her way to open the classroom door and let the students in.
Lexie pulled something out of her pocket and held it out in her palm. Suddenly she had Tilly's full attention as she saw the silver sparkle.
"You found it?!" Tilly shouted maybe a little too loudly and threw her arms around Lexie.
Jen stood at the door watching them embrace. She wanted to go over and pull Tilly away from her but how could she? She was no longer hers.
"Alright alright let a girl breathe" Lexie laughed.
"You're actually really nice aren't you?" Tilly narrowed her eyes with a suspicious smile.
"Yeah well tell anyone and you're dead" Lexie winked.
All the other students had now entered the classroom and Jen cleared her throat. Tilly instantly looked guilty.
"If you don't mind Id like to start the class" Jen stared cooly at Tilly and made her way into the classroom.
"Oh god she seems on one today" Lexie frowned.
"Yeah. Thanks for this" Tilly took the ring and placed it in her pocket as they both entered the classroom. Her smile fading as she realised that even though she had the ring back she'd still lost Jen.
Jen was now sitting at her desk and looked at Tilly out of the corner of her eye as she took her seat. She wasn't wearing the ring. She fully expected she wouldn't be but for Jen that was the one bit of hope she'd been clinging too. That she'd still be wearing it, still keeping the promise they made. Jen slid the ring off her own finger. Removing the last part of their relationship. There was nothing left now. No going back...
"So hopefully you've all been working on the beauty assignment?" Jen sighed at the lack of response. "Seriously guys I'm getting a bit sick of the major enthusiasm shortage of this class."
"What? Just because we're not jumping for joy at work you've asked us to do?" Lexie frowned.
"Art is all about passion Lexie. So yes. You should all be jumping for joy" Jen rolled her eyes. She didn't need to be answered back today. Especially not from her.
"That's funny because I thought art was all about expressing yourself. Exploring your individuality. Just because you practically fly over art doesn't mean we all have to react that that way. We all appreciate it in different ways." Lexie smirked back.
Jen walked over to the door and opened it. "You might aswell leave."
"You what?" Lexie narrowed her eyes.
"Well you obviously know much more than me about art. You don't seem happy with my teaching methods...so leave" Jen shrugged and stared at Lexie, Lexie just stared back. Neither blinking. Tilly looked from Jen to Lexie there was a horrible atmosphere and the whole class was silent.
Lexie stayed sitting down.
"No?" Jen raised her eyebrows. Lexie shook her head defeatedly. Jen looked around the class. "That goes for all of you. If your hearts not in this. Leave. Simple as that." When no one made a move Jen slammed the door shut.
"I'll carry on then shall I?" Jen perched on the edge of her desk. "So who wants to go first. Lets share our ideas... Lexie. You seem to have a lot to say. How about you start us off?" Jen smirked.
"We haven't started it yet." Tilly narrowed her eyes. This wasn't like Jen. Tilly felt she was being really unprofessional towards Lexie.
"I wasn't talking to you Tilly." Jen shrugged coldly.
"No it's fine." Lexie touched Tilly's arm annoying Jen even more.
"I was inspired last night actually." Lexie nodded. Tilly blushed slightly wondering what the hell Lexie was about to say. "I saw fear and it was beautiful."
"You think fear is beautiful?" Jen frowned. Hiding her inward delight that she hadn't been talking about Tilly.
"Yes. When it's over something you love, something special to you. You lose all inhibitions, let go completely and do things you'd never normally do just to get that thing back. The thing you love is the only thing that matters. Nothing else. I saw this last night and it was beautiful. The fear mixed with determination blew me away. Beautiful" Lexie stared straight ahead for a moment as she remembered Tilly searching for the ring last night. Tilly watched her. She admired Lexie's unique view of art. She turned to look at Jen knowing that secretly she'd be impressed too. Hoping maybe the words would ring true with her about their relationship...
"Good..." Jen nodded and turned to the next student with her hand up. Pretending to listen when really she was racking her brains as to what Lexie was talking about. Jen knew she'd been with Tilly the night before but fear? What would that have been over?
At the end of the lesson Tilly hung back. She knew Jen must know about her being with Lexie last night and wanted to explain to her about what had happened. Once the rest of students had left Jen looked up and noticed Tilly still sitting down.
"Can I help you with something Tilly?" Jen raised her eyebrows.
"Wow. Using your best teacher voice on me? Must be bad." Tilly tried to joke. Jen just looked blankly. "Jen. We need to talk about what happened last night"
"Look Tilly. It's no big deal." Jen lied. It was. It was aching every time she thought about it, pictured them together. "You've took my advice. Moved on. It's brilliant" She forced a smile.
Tilly stood up and walked towards Jens desk unable to stand the distance between them any longer. "How could I have moved on when I'm still so much in love with you?" Tilly touched Jens hand. "I was talking about us breaking up. You didn't mean it right?" Tilly widened her eyes hopefully as she saw Jen physically sparkle at her touch. Jen slid her hand from underneath Tilly's.
"I did mean it Tilly." Jen lied. "That's why I think you should move on. Like you haven't already..." She raised her eyebrows sarcastically.
"I haven't Jen." Tilly whispered as she swallowed the lump in her throat releasing the tears down her cheek.
Jen wanted to stop Tilly crying. But she knew she needed to be strong now for both of them. These next few weeks would be hard but eventually they'd get over each other. Wouldn't they?
"Well I have." Jen lied again. Seeing the pain those three little words caused Tilly was too much and she grabbed her back and left Tilly alone in the classroom. She needed to get away from her before she caved in. Before she let her heart take over her head. Before she admitted to herself what deep down she knew. She was letting the only girl she'd ever loved get away. Losing the other half of her soul.