(Crazy Long)A/N
Hi guys! Two fantastic pieces of news today.
Firstly, I now have a beta - YAY! So you will no longer have to suffer my terrible spelling, punctuation or grammar errors (except in these A/Ns of course lol!). Trip (aka FFFan1664) is absolutely FANTASTIC! She has done some truly magical things with this chapter (and also all the previous ones, which will soon be re-posted error-free to reduce my shame!) and I cannot thank her enough.
Secondly, The Search has been nominated for Fic of the Week at The Lemonade Stand! This is thanks to the awesome Kitty Vuitton. Competition is fierce and there is only a few hours left so I would be incredibly grateful for your votes. I'm so thrilled just to be nominated :)
You can vote here (removing the spaces): tehlemonadestand. blogspot. com
One more important message before I finally let Eddie speak - as well as Trip and Kitty I also owe a massive thank you to bornonhalloween who has given me so much fantastic advice and support, and introduced me to Trip! You'd have to be living under a rock to not already be familiar with boh's stories but if you aren't then you HAVE to check them out. Kinkily Ever After owns me at the moment (and incidently is nominated for TLS Fic of the Month!).
Anyway, shutting up now...
EPOV
Bella Swan is ruining my life.
I'm in Agenda, it's Thursday night (which is really Friday in London) and the brunette in front of me has a 10 out of 10 pair of tits. She has a cute face and is actually kinda funny too, and the way she has been touching my arm and sliding her thigh against mine for the last 30 minutes tells me that a shag could almost definitely be on the cards. My kinda gal.
Unfortunately, every time she touches my arm I remember Bella's arm looped through mine when we walked back from Equius. Every time I watch her lips when she talks I can think only of how Bella pulls her bottom lip with her teeth when she's feeling shy. And with every word that leaves this girl's mouth in her Chelsea drawl I can only hear Bella's delicate US accent.
"So, Ed - I can call you that right?" 10/10 Tits says.
"Sure" Ed is my name, and always has been, but Bella calls me only Edward and I'm starting to like it.
"So, Ed, I've been going on and on only about me. What do you do?"
"I'm in Executive Search."
She looks at me blankly like most people outside of the industry do.
"I'm a headhunter." I clarify.
She smiles and runs her hand over my upper arm for the hundredth time.
"And what are you searching for at the moment, Ed?" She practically purrs.
Here it is. Decision time. Take her home and fuck her in my bed until all beautiful accents and chewed lips are forgotten. Or go home alone and wank over my Assistant for the third night in a row.
This is fucking ridiculous.
I'm saved from a decision when I notice my phone vibrating in my pocket. I look at the screen and it's Alice. I would usually ignore my sister in favour of skirt-chasing but in this instance it's a welcome distraction.
"Excuse me love," I mutter to the woman and step a few feet away, leaving her looking a little bemused.
"Alright, Sis?"
"Hiya! What you doing?"
"I wish I fucking knew." I murmur to myself.
"Eh? Where are you? It's loud." Alice asks.
"Agenda."
"With a woman I assume?" I can almost hear her rolling her eyes.
"Hmmm...sort of. Anyway, what's up?"
"I was just bored and near Camden and wondering if my big bro wanted some company but I see that he is already arranging that..."
I watch my potential bedmate from across the room, waiting on a bar stool and attempting not to glance in my direction. I can almost see the cogs turning in her head - should she stay and wait to see if Ed comes back or move on with dignity? So far she is staying. But am I?
I sigh. "Actually, Alice, yeah let's hang out."
"Um, what?" Alice sounds shocked.
"I'm coming home...alone. Let yourself in, I'll bring some pizza."
"Oh. Ok. Blimey, I'm flattered!" She laughs.
I turn away from almost guaranteed sex and sneak out the side entrance.
Really, Cullen, you are truly pathetic.
When I wake up the next morning I'm very grateful that my parents gave me a sister. Alice crashed on the sofa bed, as usual, and is now dancing to the radio and frying some incredible smelling bacon in my under-used kitchen.
"Morning" I greet, grabbing a sandwich she has already made and taking a huge bite.
"Oi! That one's mine, pig!" She launches her fist into my arm. I shrug and grin, mouth full. Alice kicks my shin and goes back to the pan.
"Your walls are thin." She muses. "Remind me never to kip over when you have a...guest. I could hear your snoring all night."
"Bollocks" I say. I don't snore.
"Whatever" she replies. "You were talking too."
This startles me a little. "I was?"
"Yep!" She pops the 'p' sound and I can see her hiding a smile.
After a moment she says, grinning "So who is Bella then?"
Shit. More dreams, more sleep talking. I'm a loser of epic proportions.
I feign ignorance and shrug. "Dunno. I always talk bollocks in my sleep."
Alice turns towards me. "Really? So you don't know a Bella? At all? Because you were really shouting her name. Not in a gross way - thank fuck - but as if she was about to be run over by a bus or something."
I wrack my brains to remember any specific dreams but a draw a blank.
"Well, I dunno what to tell you, Sis. Never heard of her. Maybe you were dreaming."
Alice bursts out laughing. "Nice try, Ed, but I already know that Bella is your new Assistant and you are kinda obsessed with her. I just wanted to see if you would tell me yourself."
"What? How the fuck do you know that? And I'm not obsessed with her." Suspicious, I look up. "Seriously, how do you know her name?"
She now has the grace to look a little sheepish. "I called in the office, you weren't there."
My spider senses prick up. My sister can't lie for shit.
"No, you didn't." I narrow my eyes at her. "Where did you hear it?" I already suspect the answer but I want her to admit it.
"Ugh! I ran into Jasper, ok!" she admits, exasperated.
"Where?"
"Starbucks."
"Give me a fucking break, Alice. You have no poker face whatsoever. Where did you happen to "run into" my married best mate who you're practically in love with?"
She concentrates really hard on the sandwich she is making and eventually admits quietly. "At mine."
"Fucking hell, Alice!" I exclaim.
"Get your judgemental eyes off me, Ed! You're the man-whore"
"I'm not bloody married."
Alice snorts. "Yeah and you never will be at this rate!"
Ignoring her jibe, I chastise. "For fuck's sake, Ali. Are you crazy? He is still with his wife. Yeah she's mental but he needs to sort that shit out first before you go anywhere near. And lest we forget - she is mental. If Maria finds out you are shagging her husband she'll put you in hospital!"
"I'm not shagging him." Alice says, indignantly. "We're...friends."
I'm beginning to learn that that word can cover all manner of sins. If I hadn't insisted on being Bella's "friend" then maybe I would be able to stop thinking about her long enough to bring a woman home who isn't my dumb-as-fuck sister.
"You two being friends is dangerous, Ali." I say, more gently. "You know it is."
"I'm helping him." She whispers, playing with her food.
I snort. "I'm sure you are!"
Alice shrugs. "He should leave her."
She looks so forlorn that I put my arm around her. "No arguments from me there."
I give her a big squeeze and kiss the top of her head, the stupid, sweet girl. I look down at her.
"But listen to me, please. Leave. Well. Alone. That bloody idiot needs to sort himself out before he is anywhere near good enough to be anywhere near my little sister. Ok?"
She smiles sadly. "Fine, I'll be careful."
We go back to our sandwiches.
"Anyway," she says. "You deflected. Since when are you nuts over anyone? Least of all, someone you work with?"
"I'm not 'nuts' over Bella."
I kind of am.
"J is talking out of his arse as per usual."
The sly, perceptive, gossiping, sister-shagging bastard.
"So what is going on then?" Alice raises her eyebrow.
I smile slowly. "I guess we're friends too.
Alice laughs and has the sense to change the subject.
"So what time are we meeting tomorrow?" She asks me.
"What you on about?"
"To go to Southend. Mum invited us. We might as well get the train together."
I groan inwardly.
"I'm so not going, Alice."
She looks like she might hit me again. "Why not?"
"You know why."
"Oh get over yourself. You've hardly been home since Christmas!"
"And until he apologises, I wont be."
"You're being a moron. But then so is he." She sighs. "Ok fine, but I'm not making your excuses to Mum again. You'll have to call her."
I grimace. "Fine. That's fair. Now enough about that, I gotta get dressed and go make some money."
Alice grins sarcastically. "Oh that would make him so proud!"
After I've said goodbye to Alice I drop J a text making it explicitly clear what I will do to him if he hurts my sister.
When I get to the office, Bella's line is ringing but she isn't there. I let it go to voicemail and go through to my office to log in. Two minutes later it rings again. I realise it might be urgent (although it is nowhere near 9am yet) so I quickly press the extension and answer it from my desk.
"Good morning, Volturi. Bella Swan's line."
Silence.
"Hello?" I can hear someone breathing a little heavy.
A cough and then "Oh, hey man."
He has an American accent and is slurring slightly. It's got to be just after midnight in Seattle.
"Hi. Can I help you?"
"Is Bella there?" This bloke has no manners.
"No, not yet I'm afraid. She should be in shortly. Can I take a message?"
"Where is she then?" He suddenly sounds a little more awake, and a little annoyed.
"I don't know. This is her office line. It's 8.15am, I'm sure she is on her way. Who shall I say called?" I'm losing my patience but trying my best to be polite.
"Make sure you get her to ring me straight away. I mean it, man." This threat sounds pretty pathetic when slurred and presumably from an ocean away.
"Fine." I reply, irritated. "So if you'll just give me your name...?"
"Tell her it's her husband."
The line goes dead but I forget to hang up. Her husband? Bella's husband? Bella is married? How can I not know this?
Slowly, everything slides into place. No wonder she didn't want anything to do with me - shit, I tried to kiss a married woman! That's a new low even for me. But things still don't quite add up. Where is he? Why didn't he come here with her? And why the bloody hell has she never bothered to mention it? We've been seeing quite a bit of each other lately (as friends...obviously), but in all our conversations she has never once said "Oh yeah, by the way, I left my hubby back in America."
Could they be estranged? I mean, he sounded like a tosspot but I guess it is the middle of the night. What if she ran away from him? Shit.
"Morning, Edward." Bella happily calls, putting a tea on the desk in front of me and breaking me away from my anxious, racing thoughts. I have no clue how long I have been sitting there staring into space.
"You were absolutely miles away." She looks at me, grinning. She looks gorgeous as usual; grey skirt, black tights, purple shirt, cute black waistcoat. Her hair is still pinned up though. I can't seem to catch a break on that one. Yes, I have a hair fetish. Sue me.
"Hi, Bella. Sorry, I was just thinking I guess."
Now I have to actually give her the message, which is kind of weird when she hadn't even mentioned him before.
"Is everything ok?" she asks. I must still look shell-shocked or something.
"Oh yeah, fine." Do it quick and casual, Cullen.
"Before I forget, your husband called just now."
Her face instantly pales and her mouth tightens.
"My what?" She stutters.
"Your husband. That's what he said. I have to say I didn't realise you were married. You never said or -"
I realise she is gripping my desk and looks like she may be about to collapse. I leap up and help by gently pushing her shoulder till she sits down in the chair opposite my desk. This is not a normal reaction. They must be separated or something. I try to ignore how relieved this makes me feel.
"He's not my husband." She says, quietly. "We're divorced. Or at least we will be."
I nod but don't speak, hoping she'll say more and unsure what to say anyway.
"How did he...seem?" she continues, glancing up at me.
I pause. "Well, a little out of it to be honest. But it is pretty late there I guess!" I try to explain with a forced laugh.
"He was slurring then," she states, rather than asks. I nod anyway.
"He drinks." She confesses, softly.
Christ. What's their deal? And why are my fists clenched?
"I see." I reply but I don't really and I want to know more. I want to know everything. But I know that if I ask she will shut down. I can't resist risking one question though.
"Is that why you split up?"
I instantly regret it when her face shuts down and shuts me out.
"Partly. I don't like to talk about it. Sorry." She says quickly.
"Of course, of course. No problem." I reply.
"I'm just really sorry he called here, Edward. He must have gotten the number from the Seattle office or something. Either way, you shouldn't have had to deal with that."
"Hey, no worries, it was nothing. As long as you are ok?" She still looks very pale.
She offers me a small smile finally. "Yes, I'm fine. I was just surprised. Thanks though."
"Do you need to go call him back?" I grit out. Please say no.
"Oh no no. I will sort it out later. " She suddenly brightens a little. "You and I are scheduled to meet anyway, to discuss the company 30th Anniversary party."
In truth, I had completely forgotten about this but I'll take any one on one time I can get with Bella.
"Sure." I smile, gently. If she wants to talk about work and pretend her ex husband didn't just call her, seemingly off his head, from almost 5000 miles away then I'm completely fine with that.
"So," I begin. "The main priority is following up the invitees that have yet to respond."
She crosses her legs to position her notepad on her lap more comfortably and I catch the briefest glimpse of skin, telling me that she is actually wearing stockings, not tights.
Good God.
This woman has absolutely no idea how hot she really is, and somehow that makes her even hotter. I clear my throat and try to get myself more comfortable in my own chair. The mental image of Bella in stockings has made things a little tight inside my suit trousers and I say a silent prayer of thanks that there is a desk between us to protect her from my inappropriate reactions.
I continue, poker face firmly in place. "Kate should have left a spreadsheet with all the invitees listed, as well as their responses so far. Next to each invitee there is also a note of which consultant invited them and all the PAs know where this spreadsheet is saved and should have been updating the responses as and when they come in."
She is taking notes very studiously and I can't help smiling.
"We need to email everyone we haven't heard from, knock up some wording for me please and I will approve it."
"Ok, no problem" she says.
"After that we need to get the menu options out to those who have already confirmed their attendance. Kate should have left you the name and contact details of our rep at the venue. Then we have to finalise the entertainers."
I smile apologetically. "This event will be a fair bit of work for you I'm afraid but you did some events and stuff at Head Office right?"
"Sure," she looks up, smiling. "Don't worry, I kinda love this stuff."
"Excellent," I chuckle. "Because I only enjoy it while I'm there. Networking is interesting and useful, and fun." I confess, a little childishly. "But organising definitely isn't my forte."
Bella smiles further and says "Well that's why you have me."
If only she knew how much I wish that were true.
A knock on the door interrupts my filthy thoughts and Angela pops her head around.
"Your candidate is here, Ed."
"Thanks," I say. I turn to Bella. "Locate the file, start what you can and ask the others for help if you need to. We'll catch up again later."
"Sure," she says again and walks out of my office. I mentally shake myself and get ready for my next interview. I desperately try not to stare at the back of her skirt and guess where the stockings end and Bella's bare legs begin.
"Any messages?" I ask Bella when I come back to my desk.
"Just your mother." She replies and I grimace.
Shit, I forgot about this weekend. I'm going to have to call her and explain my no-showing. For a brief moment I long for home - the delightfully tacky seafront, the proper fish and chips and our run down old cottage. Alice is right, I haven't been back to Southend in far too long and I miss the smell of the sea like crazy. London is great but I'm a coastal boy so sometimes it feels stiflingly landlocked. However, going home also means seeing him and I just don't have the energy for his disapproval.
I need to do something tomorrow night though. I don't want to sit in alone and pine for candyfloss and the pier and my mother's Shepherd's Pie like some sort of sad, homesick child. I consider asking the boys if they want to go out for drinks but that reminds me of last night's weird mental turmoil and I don't really fancy reliving that. Maybe I'll ask J round to watch the Match of the Day highlights or maybe -
No that's stupid. She'll have better things to do. Also, the idea of having her in my flat makes my stomach flip uncomfortably. Plus it's probably not appropriate anyway. Really bad idea.
"What are you doing tomorrow night, Bella?" The words come from my mouth and sound like my voice and yet I certainly don't remember my brain giving my lips permission.
She looks a little taken aback but recovers quickly. We've been for lunches and drinks after work the last few weeks but we haven't seen each other on the weekend since the Dali exhibition.
"Well, um, nothing actually. God, that's lame right? On a Saturday night." She laughs a little nervously.
I grin, deciding to go with it. "Well then I'm lame too so I guess that's fine. Do you want to come over to mine? Watch a film or something? I'll cook."
Will you, Cullen? Since bloody when?
I see her hesitate for a split second and in that same moment my head and mouth align, but instead of regretting this invite I just want her to say yes. My palms are sweaty and my ever-traitorous heart is racing.
"Ok," she grins. "Sounds good. What time?"
"Is 6.30 ok?"
She nods. "Count me in."
"Great." Stop talking now, Cullen. Walk away before the awkwardness level rises any higher.
I sit back behind my desk and wonder what the fuck I'm going to attempt to cook. I also can't help but wonder why every single moment with Bella feels disturbingly like a date.
An hour ago I was feeling smug, proud of myself and unexpectedly talented. An hour ago I was considering giving Jamie Oliver a run for his money. An hour ago my kitchen didn't look like the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust and the smoke alarm wasn't blaring uncontrollably.
"Fuck!" I yell in frustration, prodding the ruined lasagne with a fork miserably. I really can't understand what happened. I whack the smoke detector with a tea towel to shut it off.
And now the intercom is buzzing.
"Hi" I say into it, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. I glance around my living room, grateful that at least the place looks good even if the smell is less than pleasant and metal teeth are required to attempt to eat that dinner.
I buzz Bella up and quickly wash my hands and try to tame my hair, which is possibly the wildest I've ever seen it. The soft knock on my door has my heart in my chest and I force myself to take a deep breath. What is wrong with me tonight?
"Hiya!" I say, plastering on a grin as I open the door. Bella is wearing jeans, a black V-neck top and an extremely soft-looking cream cardigan. I don't think I've ever seen a girl look so effortlessly gorgeous whilst dressed in something so casual.
She is smirking though, which isn't like her. I raise a questioning eyebrow.
"Nice apron, Edward" she giggles.
Shit. I glance down and realise I forgot to remove the comedy apron I was given as a Secret Santa present last year. It's one of those ridiculous things with the fake breasts and I only wore it because I realised there was nothing else.
I laugh and quickly pull it over my head. We stand there staring at each other for a beat too long before I come to my senses and usher her inside.
"So this is my place." I say, briefly showing her my open plan loft apartment. The good-sized lounge is separated from the kitchen area by only a breakfast bar so the culinary carnage is instantly visible.
"Yeah, so I've had a bit of a kitchen mishap." I smile sheepishly but inside I'm basically humiliated and I fight down the blush that threatens to take over my face.
Bella examines the lasagne and smiles reassuringly at me. "Don't worry about it, Edward."
"I really can't work it out." I continue, rambling a little now. "Somehow it's burnt on the top but the pasta inside is still hard! Makes no sense at all!"
I sense that maybe I'm starting to sound a little hysterical but I can't help it. Nobody ever tells you how stressful cooking is!
Bella's hand briefly touches my arm and everything else stops. This woman can capture the attention of my entire being with a single, light touch.
She smiles gently. "It's fine, Edward, I said don't worry about it."
"Thanks." I sigh and shrug. "I guess the truth is I'm not very adept in the kitchen."
"No worries," Bella says, eyes twinkling. "Are you adept at locating takeout menus?"
I smile broadly. "Yes, I am certainly experienced in that!"
We order some Chinese and I'm pathetically pleased to discover we like similar dishes and decide to share. Once I've poured us both a glass of Pinot Grigio and sat down at the table I feel a lot more relaxed.
"I'm sorry again about Jacob calling yesterday." Bella says. I'm surprised but pleased that she feels comfortable enough to bring it up.
"It's totally fine." I reply. "I'm just sorry it upset you so much. It must have been such a difficult thing to go through." I say this carefully, hoping she doesn't shut down again.
"Yeah it was." Bells stares at the tabletop and plays with the cutlery I've laid out. I wait silently for her to continue.
"Jacob and I were best friends for most of our lives. We had a lot in common I suppose; both our moms were gone. I guess our fathers always expected us to get married and if I'm being honest we fell into it a little. Forks is a really small town, a village you would likely call it. There isn't a great deal of opportunity. I suppose Jake was...the simplest, most obvious choice."
I considered her words silently. Except for that one time, I can't say I've given much thought to marriage myself, it hardly fits in with my lifestyle! But to live in a marriage that is based on anything except all-consuming, passionate love seems incredibly sad. A woman as special as Bella Swan deserves better than that.
Maybe my silence has made her defensive because she suddenly says, "Don't get me wrong, I did love him! Very much. I guess I still do in some ways..."
I try to ignore the tightness these words cause in my chest.
"But just not enough" she continues, fiddling with her fork again. "Or in the wrong way at least. Things were just...wrong between us. It was all my fault."
I duck my head to get a proper look at her face and I can tell she is close to tears. I'm surprised to discover that I don't experience the usual panic that accompanies having an emotional woman in my presence. Instead I just want to put my arms around her. I hold back though, remembering what happened the last time I laid my hands on her.
Instead I say "I'm sure that isn't true, Bella, it just can't be true. I mean what about his drinking? It sounds like that had a lot to do with it and -"
"He drank because of me!" She suddenly cries out, meeting my gaze for the first time in this conversation.
We stare at each other for a few seconds but it stretches on like hours. Despite the tears in her eyes and the self-loathing grimace I realise she might just be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She says nothing more and I decide to take the risk and ask one word, one question, that might unlock her secret.
"Why?" I whisper.
She holds my gaze for a second longer and I watch the internal battle rage across her face. Finally she is resigned.
"I'm sorry, Edward. I can't. I can't really tell anyone."
I feel a dull ache in my chest that she doesn't trust me enough to share the truth. Although, in truth, we all have secrets in our past.
I nod slowly. "So you decided to come here?"
She looks relieved that I've let it slide. "Yeah, I just saw this posting and went for it. Quite impulsively I suppose but I just knew I needed to get away from there."
"What did your dad say? He must have been gutted to see you go?"
She swallows hard. "Charlie died earlier this year."
Jesus.
"God, Bella, I'm so sorry. Christ, you've really been through it, haven't you?"
My chest aches further for her pain and my arms are practically shaking with the desire to hold her against me. Divorced and losing your only parent in the same year, no wonder she is struggling to let anyone in. I feel privileged that she has trusted me this far.
Bella just shrugs. "That's another reason I came here. Aside from my best friend in Seattle, there was really nothing left for me there."
"Makes sense." I agree.
She suddenly smiles a little wistfully. I can't think of another person who has ever controlled my emotions with just their smile. Well, only one.
"I picked England randomly, because the job was here." She is saying. "But I could never have guessed how much I would love it. London has totally captured my heart."
"Ol' Blightly has got under your skin already, huh?" I feel proud that she likes my country so much.
She grins at my slang. "Definitely. It's all just so...beautiful. Even though it's a city."
"Well if you like London just you wait until I show you the rest of my country." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them and Bella doesn't miss much.
Her brown eyes sparkle a little at me. "When you show me, huh?" She teases and I blush.
"Er, well you know, if you could put up with me to that is!" I stutter and laugh a little.
She stares at me. "I think I would love you to, Edward."
The feeling of her eyes on my face has my heart racing. Not for the first time, I marvel at how she apparently seems oblivious to the charge between us that I can never get away from. At once, my head is filled with images of all the places I can take her - a cabin in the Lakes, down to Newquay for the amazing surf, freezing our arses off in the Scottish Highlands. And home of course, definitely home - I can picture her on the windy seafront, laughing at the glorious tackiness of it all, rosy-cheeked and beautiful. I can imagine it so easily but at the same time the thought makes it harder to breathe. Slow the fuck down, Cullen.
Thankfully the intercom buzzes I am saved by delicious, greasy Chinese. We dish up, I pour more wine and we sit down to eat. We chat about lighter things, including work and the upcoming party. I briefly allow myself to imagine what sort of dress she might wear.
After dinner I ask if she wants to watch a film and she begins perusing the collection of DVDs and Blu Rays that fills almost an entire wall in my lounge while I load our plates in the dishwasher.
Her cute giggle suddenly captures my attention.
"What?" I ask.
She turns to me and holds up a DVD. "Love Actually, Edward? Is this actually yours?"
I laugh with her, unashamed of my penchant for certain chick flicks.
"Yes. But I just like it because Bill Nighy is so funny, and Hugh Grant. It's a comedy first and foremost."
"Yep," She agrees, brown eyes teasing and I fight the urge to leap over the room and tackle her. "A romantic comedy."
Apparently having made her selection she brings the DVD over to me. "You are certainly full of surprises, Edward Cullen."
You have no idea, Sweetheart.
I refill our drinks and set up the film. I sit down on one end of the sofa and Bella hesitates for just a split second between the other end and the armchair. My heart sings a little when she picks the couch.
"I've never actually seen this." She confesses as the credits begin.
"Well then you are in for a comedy treat then." I reply, with a wink.
We watch together quietly, although I can't resist sneaking sideways glances at her; she seems to be enjoying the Britishness of it. Around the scene of the Christmas concert, I notice Bella's eyes have drifted shut. I consider casually waking her as I know she will be embarrassed when she realises she has fallen asleep here, but she looks so lovely I can't bear to do it. Her expression is so peaceful, her mouth slightly open in slumber. Her hair is in a low side ponytail tonight and it's the closest to loose that I have ever seen it. A strand has gotten free and is grazing her flushed cheek. Unable to stop myself I reach over and gently smooth it away from her face; I try not to notice the trembling in my fingers.
She makes a small noise when I touch her and I freeze, guilty. But then she moves slowly towards me, eyes still closed, and before I know it her head is resting on my chest. I look straight ahead, terrified to move an inch, and I wonder if she can feel my heart thumping. She snuggles in a little closer and sighs, wrapping her arm gently around my stomach.
Fuckfuckfuckfuck. This is the closest I have been to her since that first trip to Equius and my body starts reacting against my will. No no no, Cullen, get a hold of yourself! And control of all your body parts. Her hair smells incredible - strawberries and coconut and Bella - and all I can think about is kissing her.
The end credits suddenly blast out and we both jump, her eyes flashing open. Clocking our close proximity in her groggy state she turns bright red and the need to pull her into my arms just gets stronger.
She leaps away from me. "Shit, I'm sorry Edward! Jesus, how embarrassing..." she rambles, looking away. "You should have just given me a shove like when a stranger falls asleep on you on the subway."
Not a chance, Love.
"Don't be silly, Bella." I try to reassure her. "Anyway, I think I was starting to drift off myself so I hardly noticed." I lie but I'm not sure she believes me.
She gets up and I know our time is over. I know she'll run for the door now and I pray for a time machine to take me back five minutes to when I could pretend the girl in my arms actually wanted to be there.
"I'd better go. Thanks for a lovely evening, Edward." She already has her coat on.
I quickly leap up too.
"You too. I mean, thanks for coming. Another time?" I add hopefully, or desperately, I'm not sure which.
"Sure." She says, hardly meeting my eyes. "Night!" The door slams and she's gone.
"Shit!" I exclaim, resting against the closed door.
I take a deep breath and go to the kitchen to get myself another drink. I sit on the sofa, steadying my heartbeat and staring unseeingly at the DVD title page. What the fuck is going on here? What is it about this girl? I haven't felt this way since...a long time ago and I'm terrified. To feel something for Bella Swan is to give her power over me; control, possession, the ability to destroy and Ed Cullen does not give away those things. I grit my teeth and grip my glass tightly in my fist.
Then, in a moment of clarity, I think about everything she told me tonight, the awful things that have happened to her; that drunken bastard who clearly hurt her in some way. Then I don't feel afraid - I feel protective and possessive, desire and longing. I feel a need for action, for change; a need to make her really see me and not just the rumours. With Bella Swan consuming my mind, for the first time in a long time, I feel everything.
A/N
So it seems our Eddie has more than a little crush...
References for American readers:
Jamie Oliver. Vaguely irritating TV chef who hails from the same county in the UK as Eddie. You may be familiar with him as he recently did a show in the States where he tried to force a town to eat more healthily (after basically failing at it here!)
Southend-on-Sea. Essex costal town, situated on the estuary of the River Thames, an hour outside of London. It's tacky and silly and fun and sometimes pretty and, for me and Ed, home.
Love Actually. I'm assuming this was released in the US? If not check it out, awesome British movie.
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