A/N
Disclaimer - Twilight belongs to the fantastic Stephenie Meyer, I just own this Britishward. Or I wish I did.
Thank you and welcome to all the new readers who have reviewed or put this story on alert. And thank you to everyone who is continuing to support this tale - your feedback means the world to me :-)
HUGE thanks to The Grammar Goddess, Trip, for turning my writing into real English.
I'm pretty nervous about how you are all going to react to this chapter. See you on the flipside (I hope!).
*hides behind desk*
BPOV
One of the most disappointing things about womens' magazines is the pages where they explain how to create a "simple up do" and then provide a five point instruction that may as well be written in a foreign language. It's the night of the Volturi party and I'm showered and sitting at my dresser with a mouth full of bobby pins, the offending magazine in front of me.
Wrap one section around the pony and pin in place.
Seriously, how can something that sounds so straightforward be such a challenge for me? I have pinned a piece in place but can't seem to tuck the end in anywhere that looks nice. I spit out the pins and growl in frustration at my reflection in the mirror.
I eye my flushed and sweaty complexion. Well at least you didn't do your make up first.
I take a deep breath and re-read the instructions. I consider just giving up and leaving my hair loose but the dress Alice chose definitely deserves an up do. I'm struck with an idea and begin calmly pinning each section in place. Then I dig out my curling iron from a box of Seattle stuff I still haven't gotten around to unpacking and begin curling the loose ends that I had no idea what to do with. When I've done what I think is every piece I grab my hand mirror to check the back and I'm pleasantly surprised. It looks nothing like the picture, of course, but it will definitely do.
I apply my make up, including a lipstick in a bolder shade than usual and smokier eyes, and slip into the blue dress. Zipping up alone is more of a challenge than with Alice's help but I manage. I stand in front of the mirror and I'm pretty pleased with what I see. I briefly wonder if a certain someone will be watching as he promised before quickly burying the thought. I need to keep my wits about me tonight. One drink too many and I can see my resolve to keep away from Edward Cullen slipping away completely.
Would that be so bad, Swan?
Yes.
Yes, when he knows the truth it would.
My taxi arrives and I briefly wonder if I should call Edward and pick him up on the way. But then I laugh at the idea - arriving together isn't going to do much to quieten the rumour mill.
I arrive at the Grosvenor House Hotel 45 minutes early, as all staff have been asked to do. The ballroom looks beautiful and I check in with the event manager to make sure all is as it should be. Thankfully, Kate's prior work has helped me immensely.
I glance around the room and recognise Edward from only his tuxedo-clad back, where he stands talking to Aro and the Finance Director, Alec.
Damn. I have been so busy concerning myself with how I'm going to look tonight that I hadn't given much thought to seeing Edward...in a tux. At once I can't look away from his broad shoulders and how delicious his ass looks in those dress pants. I find myself willing him to turn around but at the same time I feel like I'm viewing an eclipse; I'm desperate to see but I'm afraid to look directly.
He must feel my pathetic eyes on his back because he eventually turns around and - sweet Jesus - he looks even better than I imagined. The fitted shirt and cummerbund highlight his slim waist, his broad shoulders wear the dinner jacket better than James Bond and the white of his shirt sleeves peeping out from underneath his jacket and just slightly covering his incredible hands makes my stomach flip over.
My eyes eventually roam upwards and I can't help but smirk at his navy blue bow tie; Volturi company colours, Edward is marketing through and through. I reach his face and expect him to be smiling like usual but instead his eyes are strangely dark and are boring into mine. He pulls his bottom lip with his teeth and then runs his hand over his mouth and I feel like he can read every thought in my head.
He murmurs something in Aro's ear that looks like "be right back" but he doesn't take his eyes off of me the entire time. He strides over and my heart feels like it may actually punch out of my chest and lay fluttering on the floor between us.
He arrives in front of me, eyes almost black.
"Bella," he rasps before quickly clearing his throat.
"Hi" he says, more loudly.
"Hi" I reply quietly. He smells incredible. Why do things suddenly feel so different?
He clears his throat again. "You look...fantastic."
Then he laughs a little nervously and makes a big show of looking over both shoulders, saying "Joking aside, I may have to actually keep an eye on you with these blokes."
I smile "Thanks. You are -" the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on "- looking pretty sharp too."
He glances down at his suit and blushes slightly, making my toes curl.
"Ta very much," he says. "I do my best."
Best we take this conversation back to safer ground.
"So what's the plan?" I ask. "Do you need me to do anything?"
"Nope, don't think so" he replies, plucking a glass of champagne from a waiter's tray and handing it to me. "Just drink this and relax, hard work is done now - for you at least. I have several hours of talking boring industry bollocks with a bunch of old tossers ahead of me."
He whispers this last sentence conspiratorially and I reward him with a giggle. I try to resist the urge to breathe in a huge gulp of his scent with him leaning this close. Pine, fresh linen and something totally Edward. If I leant forward just a few inches I could lick his neck...shit, he's still talking.
"...need you later though."
"I'm sorry, what was that?" I ask hastily.
He pulls back and looks at me a little quizzically. "I was just saying that I would like to introduce you to some people later, if that's okay? Current and regular clients etc."
"Sure. Just come and find me."
"I won't need to," he winks. "I'll be watching for arse-grabbers, remember?"
If he would just stop playing with me for two minutes I could hold a conversation using my entire brain without distraction.
"That's very kind of you, Edward, but I reckon I can take care of that myself." I smile.
"I'll bet you can, Miss." His eyes sparkle a little.
There is the sound of a glass being tapped and Aro clearing his throat. The room falls quiet for the boss' briefing.
"Duty calls," Edward whispers. "I'll talk to you later."
He takes a step to join the rest of the consultants but quickly springs back close to my side. I feel his hand brush against my lower back and he leans back into my ear.
"And don't forget about that dance you promised me."
By the time my mouth can form words to reply he has gone. Jess is right; his flirting is out of control. It really isn't fair for someone with that much charisma to also look that good in a tuxedo. It should be one or the other, then I might actually stand a chance.
I go to stand with the rest of the staff and nod hello to Angela and Jess. Aro begins his speech, which mainly consists of welcome, enjoy yourselves etc. but also utilise this opportunity to engage in useful conversations with our clients.
"So...a networking event then?" Jess whispers with a snigger.
When he is finished I mill around and chat to the rest of the staff as best I can. I check with the hotel staff on the door that they have everything they need - delegate lists, name badges etc. Before long it's 8pm and clients begin to arrive.
The PAs and researchers mainly stick together but we can almost feel the pressure to mingle in the air so we decide to team up and go chat. I stick with Jessica and mainly stay on the sidelines while she turns on the social butterfly routine. Every time she introduces me as "Ed Cullen's assistant" I receive a warm smile. I quickly ascertain what I already suspected; Edward is very popular with all his work contacts and he must be a real asset to Aro.
Shortly after, Edward catches my eye from across the room and beckons me over with a flick of his head. He is talking to a tall guy, late-forties with a slim build and slightly greying dark hair.
"Bella," Edward says when I join them. "Come and meet Michael Coleman."
Mr Coleman holds out his hand and smiles warmly. "It's lovely to finally put a face to a name," he says. We have spoken on the phone and email several times since I arrived here.
"Bella is an excellent assistant," Edward tells him. "Super efficient. If ever I'm not around she can sort you out with whatever you need or answer your questions."
I'm warmed by his praise and can't help the almost-permanent blush that rises in my face.
"Excellent." Coleman says. "If she is that good, maybe I'll try to poach her from you!" He laughs.
Edward and I chuckle politely and Edward replied, "Not if I can help it!"
Coleman makes his excuses to move on and Kate appears at Edward's side. She nudges him with her elbow. "Hello stranger!"
He spins around and plants a kiss on her cheek. "Alright, Kate? Aro said you might pop in."
"Well I missed you all so much of course." Kate rolls her eyes.
"You remember Bella?" Edward asks and Kate gives me a warm smile.
"Of course. How's it going so far?"
"Great thanks, and thank you so much for all the work you put into tonight before you left. I would have been screwed otherwise."
Edward looks a little exasperated. "No you wouldn't, Bella! Have a little confidence." His hand brushes my back like earlier and I notice Kate's eyes catching it.
"I'm just happy I didn't leave you too much shit, Bella." Kate says. "This bloke is a bit of a nightmare, as I imagine you've gathered by now."
Edward laughs and mimes putting his hand over her mouth. "Leave it out, Kate! I've been on my best behaviour!"
Kate eyes him pointedly and glances between us. "Yeah, actually, I'd imagine you have."
We chat some more and she tells us a little about her new job. Edward begins updating her on some client gossip and I leave them to reminisce.
The night continues; champagne is drunk, canapés are eaten and I manage to hold several conversations without making a fool of myself. Clients begin to disappear and the staff that are left relax a little.
Shortly after 10pm, Kate finds me again. She is more flushed and less steady than earlier.
"Hey, Bella! How's it going? Surviving? These things are beyond dull, huh?" She almost yells.
I shrug. "It's actually not been that bad."
"Nah, it's all right I guess. Ed's in his element, isn't he?"
I watch him as he makes one of the remaining clients laugh and shakes his hand eagerly.
"Yeah, he's a pro."
"Definitely, definitely." Kate murmurs, stumbling a little.
"But listen," she says, putting a hand on my elbow. "What's going on between you two?"
This is starting to feel a little like Groundhog Day.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
Kate leans in close to my ear and attempts the type of comedy whisper, so often used by drunk people, which is actually louder than normal speech.
"I mean he hasn't taken his eyes off of you all night."
"Don't be silly. He has barely noticed me."
"Bella, are you blind? No matter who he is talking to, every few minutes he glances up and I watch him scan the room. At first I wondered what on earth he was doing, the dippy bastard, but then I realised he was looking for you. Once he found you each time his eyes would linger for a second and then he went back to his conversation."
"Really?" My heart is racing. Is she just drunk and imagining it?
"Bella, quick! He's doing it right now!" She hisses and then giggles.
I glance up just as Edward's eyes settle on me. I expect him to hastily look away but he doesn't. He holds my gaze and smiles slightly, as if he has been waiting for me to catch his eye for a while.
Kate says, "This is so bloody odd, Bella. I'm telling you."
"Is it?" I try to remain nonchalant. "I think he is just keeping his promise not to let me get groped." I laugh a little.
Kate turns me so we're eye to eye. Her pupils are a little dilated but her expression is serious.
"Honestly Bella I've never seen him like this with anyone. Usually it's like he doesn't even notice women."
"That's not what I've heard!" I laugh.
Kate rolls her eyes. "I didn't say he doesn't pull. Of course he does. Weekly. He always manages to locate a new woman but he never really looks at any of them. Never really sees them. Until tonight. Until you."
I am afraid to open my mouth, afraid of what I might say.
Kate takes a huge slug of her drink and watches me carefully.
"Do you see him too, Bella?" She asks softly.
After many weeks of denying what every cell in my body is screaming I'm exhausted. I can't deny it any more. I watch his handsome face, his easy smile and his strong frame from across the room.
"Yes," I whisper.
"Are you afraid?" Kate asks and I find this the strangest, oddest, most fucking accurate question I've ever heard.
"Yes," I repeat.
"Don't be, babe," she says more loudly, slinging her arm around my shoulders. "He's an idiot sometimes and I sense a few issues but he's a lovely man, Bella, I swear it. I've only ever known a tiny piece of him, the tiny professional part that he allows everyone to see but he is warm and kind and his heart is in the right place. I've heard how he talks to his mother, his sister, his friends. He is good, Bella. I'm an excellent reader of people - "
No kidding!
"- and I have always read him, and now you too. So please don't be afraid, Bella," she stares at me oddly intensely and lowers her voice again.
"If Edward Cullen offers you his heart, my lovely, you'd be a fool not to take it."
The silence stretches between us until I finally find my tongue.
"Kate, I really don't think that's going to happen because -"
"What's not gonna happen?" Edward asks from right behind us and I almost scream out loud. During Kate's advice he must have snuck up on us.
Kate recovers more quickly than I do. "Oh I was just filling Bella in on what happened between Angela and Eric the last time we had a work do. "
Edward smiles at her good-naturedly. "Bloody hell, Ms Katie, you are the absolute worst gossip!"
Kate shrugs. "Don't pretend you never begged me for the juiciest morsels, Eddie C! Bella, you'd better work on your grapevine."
"No!" Edward exclaims. "I mean, don't encourage that, Kate. Bella isn't like that, she's actually nice." His eyes twinkle at me and I can't work out if that was a compliment or not.
"So..." he continues. "After party? We're heading to Soho I think."
"Sure," Kate says. "I'll just go and get my coat." She offers to get my jacket too and slips off.
At once I'm very aware that Edward and I are alone.
We're alone and apparently he has been watching me all night.
We're alone and he still smells so good.
We're alone and it's the end of the party and...
"Wait! There wasn't any dancing!"
Bella's mouth meet Bella's brain, I believe you've been estranged for a while! Jesus I can't believe that just came out. I may as well have just confessed how badly I want to be in his arms.
The slow, happy grin that lights up his face tells me he definitely gets it.
"Of course there wasn't, Bella. This was a networking event - and we tend to chat to clients, not smooch with them."
He leans in closer. "But that isn't what I meant when I asked you to save me a dance. We'll get our chance...later. If you come to Soho that is?"
Continued resistance is futile clearly.
"Sure," I say.
The last of the clients and the majority of senior management say their goodbyes. A group of about ten of us share a few cabs and end up in a bar on Dean Street. Inside the combination of darkness, heat and the red walls coating everyone in an otherworldly glow does nothing to cool me off.
Edward removes his jacket, undoes his tie and top shirt button and rolls up his shirtsleeves. I try not to stare.
"What do you want to drink?" He asks, loudly and close to my ear. The music is thumping loudly and I feel the base from my toes all the way to my misbehaving heart.
"Cosmopolitan please." I tell him and he smiles and heads to the bar. I turn around to look for Angela when I notice a tall, gorgeous blonde woman has joined our small table. I don't recognise her and she wasn't at the party.
I head over and stand beside Angela. She notices and introduces me.
"This is Bella," she says. "She just joined us from the Seattle office."
The woman is truly beautiful - flawless skin and violet eyes that seem to glow in the dim light.
"Hi," she says.
Angela gestures towards her. "This is Rosalie Hale, Bella, she used to work with us."
Oh shit. This is Rosalie. The Rosalie who was Edward's "friend" and work partner before doing a number on the company and taking Edward's contacts. I wonder why she is here and why the others are clearly not angry with her.
"Hi, nice to meet you," I say quickly because everyone is looking at me.
"So how are you liking the UK so far, Bella?" Rosalie asks me and her smile is surprisingly warm.
I try to gather my wits and wonder where Edward is. I pray there is a big queue at the bar.
"Yes, it's great thanks. London is a very cool city."
I wish she would just ignore me and go back to talking to the others.
"And what about Volturi? Aro is a bloody slave-driver right?" She asks.
If everything Edward said is true then this woman screwed him over and she has no right to bad mouth the company to me.
"Actually," I say. "Aro has been very welcoming. I like the company very much."
Rosalie raises a sceptical eyebrow. "Okay. What do you do anyway? Are you an associate consultant?
"She works for me." Edward's voice comes from directly behind me and it's ice cold.
"Eddie! Hi!" I notice that the smile now adorning Rosalie's face is a lot less genuine than the one she gave me. "Long time, no see. How are you?"
"Fine," Edward says, teeth gritted. "Excuse us."
He grips my elbow a little too tightly and leads us a few metres away.
"What were you talking to Rosalie about?" He looks furious.
"Nothing, I just met her about 30 seconds ago," I wonder why I am justifying myself to him. I can speak to whoever I like!
"Was she trying to poach you?"
I can't help the burst of laughter. "No! Edward, you're being ridiculous."
His eyes narrow further. "Don't fucking laugh at me, Bella. It was a legitimate question."
"God, of course she wasn't trying to poach me! Jesus, you consultants are so paranoid about that stuff."
"Comes with territory in this game," he says, but I can tell he still isn't sure I'm telling the truth.
"Edward, I swear I was talking to her for five seconds. She wasn't interested in offering me a job!"
"Good," Edward swallows hard. "Because you're mine."
His eyes go wide for a second and it would be comical if my heart wasn't in my throat. "Um, I mean, you're my PA."
I feel a little angry. He is behaving like a child and like a sexist asshole. I'm not his property and I hate the power his emotions have over me.
I try to keep my voice calm.
"Edward, I'm sorry but you are being a little insane. I don't plan on being poached by someone I met in a bar two minutes ago and I'm kind of insulted that you would assume that I would be."
He opens his mouth to speak but I carry on.
"And I want to get something else clear too. I do not "work for you". I am employed by Volturi, and they assigned me to you. I'm not your property and I'd rather you didn't treat me as such."
"Bella-"
"No Edward, it's "bollocks" as you'd call it. If you want to have a pissing contest with an ex-colleague because she once bruised your ego then that's up to you, but leave me out of it. And lastly, don't physically drag me off from a conversation with a stranger just because you've gone all caveman all of a sudden!"
Edward stares at me open-mouthed and I feel a little smug. He gets a hold of himself and mutters, "She isn't a stranger to me."
"Clearly!" I shout, just as the song changes and I feel a dozen eyes swivel to me.
Edward and I stare at each other for a beat. The next song comes on, his lip quirks up and the next thing I know we both burst into laughter.
"Did you really just say 'bollocks'?" He exclaims, still sniggering.
"Apparently so." I relent.
Once we've got control of ourselves, Edward takes a deep breath.
"You're right though, that was completely ridiculous." He holds my gaze. "I'm sorry for being a sexist tosser, Bella."
I smile at him. "I'm sorry for being a whiny feminist."
He gives me my favourite crooked smile. "Can we just go back to being Edward and Bella now please?"
"Definitely."
He sighs and drags a hand through his hair. My fingers itch. "This isn't really going according to plan."
I wonder if he can sense my increased heartbeat over the thumping music.
"What plan?" I ask.
He looks both sheepish and resigned. "I had a three-fold plan."
I try to steady my breathing. Could his plan involve all of the things I cannot do with him but want to so much it hurts?
"What was the first point on your plan?" I ask, cautiously. "Maybe it's salvageable."
He looks pleased that I'm playing along. "The first item was pretty simple - Buy Bella a Drink. Didn't really think it was possible to mess that part up." He chuckles nervously. I glance pointedly between his empty hands and the bar a couple of metres away.
"Yeah I kinda abandoned the bar to storm over and "talk bollocks"".
I laugh. "Okay well let's try it again."
We get to the bar and Edward orders our drinks. I suggest two shots of Sambuca too, to which he raises an eyebrow but readily agrees.
"What shall we toast to?" I say, holding up my tiny glass and trying to stop my hand from shaking.
He stares at me, "The truth."
Without allowing myself to think too hard about the meaning of this toast I mutter, "truth" and knock back the liquor.
We sip our other drinks in silence. The tension rolls between us but the silence is not uncomfortable. I listen carefully to all of the songs playing and revel in Edward's body heat close beside me.
When both our glasses are drained I nudge his shoulder lightly and say. "What was the second plan point?"
He turns his head and our faces are suddenly very close. "Get Bella to Dance with Me."
"Well, you got it, boss." I murmur.
I watch his throat bob up and down and he reaches for my hand. His palm is warm and his large hand makes mine feel tiny. Silently, he leads us to the dance floor. The music is neither fast nor slow so the kind of dancing required is not completely clear. Except, to us, it is. With a whole conversation unspoken, he gently pulls me into his arms. His eyes never once leave mine and it feels like he is asking permission. I grant it with a nod of my head and put my hand on his shoulder. I can feel the heat of his skin and the muscles of his shoulder under his shirt and I can't stop the tiny shiver that runs through me.
His hand goes to the small of my back and he eases me nearer to him. I rest my head on his shoulder because at this proximity it would be more difficult not to. Edward begins to gently sway us to the music but I'm completely unaware of the lyrics or the tempo. All I can feel is the low hum between his body and mine.
He takes a slightly shaky breath and I realise it's the first he has taken since with began to dance. The need to touch more of him is overwhelming and before I can stop it I slide my hand up to graze the back of his neck. His skin is warm and a little damp with sweat and I'm finally so close to his incredible hair. I slowly push my fingers into his thick bronze waves. He makes a strangled humming sound and I feel his fist close around the material of my dress at the base of my back.
He takes a deep breath and I feel his face close to the top of my head.
"Your hair smells amazing," he comments quietly and it's such a simple sentence but I can't find the words to reply. "You are amazing, Bella. You look so beautiful tonight. Alice was right; she said when I saw you I wouldn't know what had hit me but then at the same time I suddenly would. She said that everything would become clear if I let it, and she was right about that too."
I'm silent because to speak you need to breathe and I've momentary forgotten how. But it doesn't matter because Edward isn't finished. He leans his mouth closer to my ear and his breath is warm. "Can I attempt the third point in my plan now?"
I take a shaky breath and his scent fills every part of me.
"What is it?" I murmur.
He pulls back and finds my eyes with his. He looks nervous and a little afraid and I feel like my face is a mirror image.
"Tell Bella the Truth."
I catch a glimpse of Jessica and Kate staring at us from across the room.
"Not here," I whisper.
Edward nods and takes my hand in his again. He leads the way outside and silently walks into the small park at the centre of Soho Square. When we sit down on one of the benches he doesn't let go of my hand. Outside everything feels more real and I wonder what the hell I think I'm doing. Then Edward squeezes my hand and I feel safer.
"Is this okay ?" He asks, gesturing to our clasped fingers.
I nod.
He looks out across the tiny park and takes another deep breath. He slowly strokes his thumb over mine and it's distracting. When he finally speaks I want to hold my breath.
"It feels like ever since you came here all I have done is apologise to you and I'm afraid I'm going to have to again."
I'm confused. "What for?"
He looks down at our hands in his lap. "I should never have insisted we be friends, Bella. It was a stupid idea. I knew from that first moment in Aro's office that I wanted you and when you made it clear you definitely didn't want me I should have left well alone."
His actions all night have shown me how he really feels but hearing him say it out loud turns it into solid reality. My throat feels tight and I fight the sting of tears. I don't know how I'm going to walk away.
He continues, "I should have kept things professional, like you said, but I couldn't. I just wanted to be near you however I could. I feel this...connection between us."
He looks at me then, presumably for my reaction, but I have my shutters tightly down, way too frightened to let him inside.
"Being friends...hurts. Every moment with you has my heart in my throat. When we're at work I can't keep my eyes off of you - your body, your smile, your bloody hair. It's driving me insane and I'm tired. I'm so tired of not telling you."
"This isn't even me, Bella," he says, a little sadly. "Or at least not the person I've been for many years. I'm not used to this and it's like every day there is a new fucking feeling and I have nowhere to put it or nobody to tell it to so I guess that's what I'm doing. Telling you. Because I can't not tell you any more."
He still won't look at me and I'm glad because I fear that the second I look into those emeralds the tiny thread I am holding onto will snap and the truth will pour from my mouth.
Yes, Edward.
Yes, I feel that connection.
Yes, I can think of nothing else when we're together.
Yes yes yes yes.
But how can I tell him 'yes' just to tell him 'no' immediately after? How can I tell him 'yes' when we have no future, no chance at a normal relationship? How can I tell him 'yes' when the ordinary girl he thinks he wants doesn't even exist?
Instead, I take the cowards route. I find another reason. Any other reason as long as it isn't the truth.
I set my jaw and close my eyes tightly for a second and ignore the pain that rips through my chest when I pull my hand from his grasp. The indignant voice that comes from my mouth isn't even mine.
"But what about the other women, Edward?" I say, tight lipped.
Stay strong, Bella; just stay strong long enough to push him away and then you can crumble alone in the dark where nobody else can see.
He frowns and looks at my face but it's okay now because my mask is in place.
"What?" he asks.
I force the scoff from my mouth. "Oh please Edward, what sort of fool do you take me for?"
"What are you talking about?" he says quietly. "I'm talking about us. What do you mean?"
Shutter down, Swan. Lock it tight. Stick to the plan.
"You don't feel anything for me, Edward. You're kidding yourself. This is nothing but a game to you."
"You're wrong," he says, but he has pulled his body away slightly. I can almost see his defences coming up. It is what I want.
"I'm not wrong, Edward. I know everything about you. You have a different woman every week. You fuck any woman you like. You wanted to fuck me but I wouldn't let you."
It takes everything in my power to ignore the flinch that crosses his face at the word "fuck". Keep the wall up, Swan.
I push on; it will be over soon. "And now you can't let it go, can you? The one that got away. Gotta nail that one, Cullen, huh? You think you feel something more but it's nothing but pure ego!"
Just a little bit longer. I clench my fists.
He stands up and shakes his head. I see his jaw twitch.
"Stop this bollocks, Bella. You do know me, and you know I'm telling the truth. You're just too afraid."
This is harder than I thought and every brick I've laid is crumbling. I need to play my ace.
"Oh yeah?" Non-Bella snarls, standing too. "Well if you are so fucking into me then what about last Wednesday?"
He looks even more confused and angry, but angry is good. "Bella, I have no fucking idea what you are talking about. What about Wednesday?"
"I have eyes, Edward. I saw your shirt. I know you didn't go home. So you might be kidding yourself that there is something between us but it didn't stop you fucking someone else in the meantime."
This part is especially hard because it's true and it hurts. It hurts like hell. But letting him in only to have him walk away will hurt more.
I watch his face to see it crumble; to see that I'm right. To see him resigned to the fact that we can't happen and to walk away. Instead he laughs, utterly humourlessly.
I am still and wait for him to finish. When he does he has taken a step closer to me and speaks very slowly and deliberately.
"Last Tuesday night me Jasper and some of the guys had a poker night. I had half a bottle of scotch and fell asleep on Jasper's couch."
This takes the wind out of my sails but I don't collapse completely.
"Fine, maybe not then," I relent. "But there are others, aren't there? You can't help yourself."
"Bella, why are you doing this?" His voice is soft and his tone hits me square in the chest.
"I'm not doing anything. I'm just pointing out that if you were serious about me you wouldn't still be banging every woman in London!"
I know I'm starting to sound insane but I'm unable to stop. Edward growls in frustration and tosses his hands in the air.
"I'm NOT!" he suddenly roars. He stares down at me with stormy eyes and more bricks begin tumble.
"Do you want to know why?" he shouts. "Do you want to know why I haven't laid a hand on another woman since the moment I laid eyes on you?"
No.
Yes.
"Because I can think of nothing - NOTHING - besides you! You consume every thought in my head and I finally find the guts to tell you and you're so fucking afraid that you say anything and everything you can to try to push me away."
He takes a deep breath and a step closer.
"But you know what? All you have done, Bella, is given me hope. Hope that you feel enough for me that you're willing to go to such extremes to get me to leave you alone."
I'm shaking now and tears fill my eyes. He sees your plan, Swan. He's got you pegged and he's calling you out. The determination on his face frightens me more than anything.
He speaks more softly and takes another step towards me.
"But it won't work, Bella. I see you, I know all about your barriers and your walls because I have plenty of my own. I don't pretend to know the reasons behind them and I would give the world for you to let me in but it doesn't matter right now because I see what you're doing and I'm not letting go."
His face is an inch from mine. His eyes are gentle and every brick and shutter and barrier inside me turns to dust.
"You can try to push me away with everything you have but I only have one response now."
He lays a hand on my cheek and presses his forehead to mine.
"Nice try."
He kisses me.
I expect his mouth to be hard and aggressive. If it were then maybe I would have found that last iota of strength. Maybe I could have shoved him and walked away. But it isn't like that. His lips are gentle and coaxing and - oh God - so soft. He brushes his mouth against mine over and over, as if looking for surrender. He captures my face in his palms, strokes the tears rolling down my cheeks with his thumbs. He places a kiss of each corner of my mouth before gently sucking my bottom lip between his. If he had been rough I might have stood a chance but he is gentle and persuasive and...
I break.
I feel every single muscle, every single atom of my being relax into him. I loop my arms around his neck and his hands find my waist and he pulls me towards him, holding me so,so tight. His mouth is still hesitant though, testing and teasing. I know he is waiting for me and I can't resist another moment. I touch the tip of my tongue to his bottom lip and it seems to be all the encouragement he needs.
He opens his mouth to mine and the sound that escapes the back of his throat is somewhere between desire and sheer relief and, fuck, I know that feeling. His tongue strokes mine and I push against it with my own and I think if this kiss ever stops I may stop too. He is air and life and hope and I drink him in - every taste, every breath, every groan. I drag my nails down his back and he brings his hand to the back of my neck and deeper, more, please...
I don't know how long we are locked together but I'm afraid to open my eyes, afraid to loosen my vice-like grip on him. I'm afraid to break the fire of this delicious kiss because I have no idea what ashes will be left in its wake.
When he pulls away he doesn't go far. He rests his forehead against mine, breathless, and just stares at me. In all the years we were together Jake never really looked at me properly, but Edward sees into my very soul.
For a moment I allow myself the indulgence of keeping my guard down. I let my emotions flow over my face. I need you, Edward. You're everything. I've never wanted anything more than I want your mouth back on mine.
He brushes his fingers over my cheekbone and down my neck. He places two more soft kisses on my lips before crushing me to him. The feeling of being held brings with it fresh tears. Aside from Emmett's bear hugs I can't remember the last time I was held by a man. And I can't remember it ever feeling this good.
He kisses the top of my head and whispers, "Do you see now, Bella? Do you see what we are? What we could be?"
I do see and that's the problem. I'm struck at once with the injustice of it. This man, this wonderful, intelligent gorgeous man actually wants me, and it's just not possible.
I pull back and kiss him once more, but when I pull back the shutters are down and he knows it.
"It doesn't change anything, Edward." I whisper, and turn away from him.
"Bella, don't do this." I can hear the slight desperation in his tone and the guilt rocks over me. This man, with his own demons, has chosen me as the woman to let inside. That's some sick irony.
I can't stop the tears from running unchecked down my face now.
"Why can't you see that I'm doing this for you?" I tell him, quietly. "Why can't you just trust that I have good reason and let it go?"
He grabs the tops of my arms and tries to pull me back into him.
"Listen to me, whatever it is that you can't tell me, it's okay. I can handle it. It won't change anything."
I shake my head. "If you knew you wouldn't feel that way. You wouldn't want me and I wouldn't blame you. I'm not making you give it up."
"Give what up? Bella, please!"
I look up at him and seeing the vulnerability on his face causes me physical pain.
"I'm sorry, Edward. God, I'm so sorry."
I run.
The subway journey is just a blur of tears and the image of Edward's face in my mind. I'm at my apartment before I know it. I manage to get my key in the lock and the relief of finally being alone rushes over me. I collapse against the back of the closed door and sob indulgently.
I think of Jake and home and all the whispered voices.
I think of my father and Emmett and the things that bring me comfort being so far away.
But most of all I think of Edward; Edward's smile, Edward's heart, Edward's kiss; all the parts of Edward that my body won't allow me to have.
When there aren't any more tears left, I drag myself off of the floor and take a deep breath. I know I have done the right thing. That kiss was amazing but kisses aren't enough and I won't be able to bear his disappointment.
I sit on the sofa, hugging my knees, and let the pain of a thousand nights with Jacob wash over me. It destroyed us and I'll die before I allow that to happen to Edward and I.
I'm still in the darkness of Forks, when I hear the soft knock on the door. I know it's him and I wish I had the strength to ignore it but the lure of seeing his face again is too much. I stand up, straighten my dress and run my hands over my ruined face. I open the door.
Edward is in my doorway, dripping wet and with eyes like the night. I glance down at my own soaked dress and realise it must have been raining on the way home. I didn't even notice.
Neither of us says a word as I step back and let him inside. When he does speak it seems so loud in the silent room.
"Years ago my father and I had a fight," he says. "He tried to tell me what I wanted and what was best for me and I disagreed. It's never been the same between us.
"I know you think you know what's best, Bella. I know you think I won't want you when I know the truth. But here is something you might not know about me. I've spent a lot of my life fighting for what I know I want and I'm not about to stop now."
How does this man seem to know the exact thing to say to get me to let him inside?
"What if you end up feeling differently?" I ask in a small voice.
He shrugs, and the entirely normal gesture is comforting.
"I won't. But regardless, shouldn't that be something we worry about then. Shouldn't that be my choice?"
Choice. It's a word I've considered many times over the years. It's a concept that seems to have been taken away from me too often. But Edward's words make sense - and shouldn't I get to choose too? Shouldn't I be able to decide how my mind and body function?
My therapist's words swim back to me; the control is ultimately yours, Bella. And this leads to the most dangerous thought of all.
Maybe it will be different this time.
Hope has done nothing but hurt me in the past but that kiss made me feel hope. It was over-powering and consuming and took over every thought in my head in that moment. Maybe I can do this and maybe I don't have to tell him, won't have to watch him look at me with confusion and disgust and pity, like those faces in Forks.
Edward is still watching me, a slightly anxious expression on his face. I make my decision.
I step over to him and lay a hand on his cheek, it is damp from the rain and slightly roughened by his five o clock shadow.
"You're right," I whisper.
He let's out a breath and puts his arms cautiously around my waist. "So we can talk? You'll tell me what happened and we'll deal with it together?" he asks.
I shake my head slowly and gently run two fingers over his lips.
"I don't want to talk right now. There have been too many words tonight already."
I lean up and whisper in his ear, hoping I can be seductive enough that he won't question me too much. "Kiss me again, Edward. Touch me. Make it all I can think about."
"But Bella-"
"Please, Edward." I take a deep, shaky breath. "Stay here with me. I want you. Please..."
I just hope I'm telling the truth.
He searches my expression one last time, I try to look as calm and sure as possible.
"This really isn't fair," he allows himself a small smile of surrender and my heart sings with relief. "Because you know that there is no way I could ever resist you."
His kiss is just as powerful as before and my whole body hums with it. His tongue sweeps my bottom lip and I open my mouth without hesitation. His fingertips run gently up my spine and leave a trail of fire in their wake. My body responds to this man with such ease that the feeling of warm hope floods over me again.
At the edge of my mind a dark fog hovers but I kiss him harder and push it away.
He pulls back for a second, both of us breathless. He studies my hair.
"I've dreamt about this," he murmurs, gently reaching behind my head and pulling out the hairpins one by one. As he watches my hair fall down piece by piece, he let's out a half sigh/half groan that has me reaching for him, bringing his lips back to mine.
"About what?" I finally gasp against his mouth. "About..." I gesture between us. "...me and you?"
"Well yes, of course," he replies. "But specifically I've thought a lot about your hair."
He is back to looking at it, running his fingers through the strands. When his warm fingertips graze my scalp I shiver. He buries his face and finds my throat, planting several soft kisses there.
"It has tormented me," he says. "You have never worn it down, not once. Sometimes at the office all I could think about was how it would look, spilling over your shoulders."
He pulls back and appraises me.
"Perfect," he whispers.
This man's words do something to me. I've hardly been able to think straight since the moment I met him but now that he is in my apartment; his hands in my hair, his mouth searching out mine again, his tongue moving against my own, I know I am lost. Edward is not Jake, and I want to give him everything.
I reach my hands into his hair and he groans. I kiss him more deeply, press my tongue against his. His taste makes me almost faint. When I push my hips into his he loses hold of the control he has been carefully wielding since he arrived.
"Jesus," he mutters and suddenly my back is against the hallway wall and he has me pressed tightly against him. He sucks my lower lip between his until I gasp and then he quickly pushes his delicious tongue back inside.
"Bella," he gasps out when he breaks for air, a request, a plea, a promise. I answer with my kiss and my hands on his back, trying to bring him closer.
A part of me, somehow disconnected from the Bella currently being ravished against the wall, is marvelling at how natural this feels, how well suppressed that black fog is in this moment. I allow myself, again, to hope.
"Bedroom, Bella?" Edward is saying. It's practically a growl and before I know what is happening he has lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist. I can feel...everything.
"Huh?" I appear to have lost the power of intelligent speech.
"Show me your room, Bella," he whispers brokenly. "Before I lose my mind completely and take you here in the hall."
His words both terrify and turn me on. Can I really do this without telling him? Will it definitely be as different as I imagine? It certainly feels different, I have never wanted another man the way I want Edward, but can it work?
I force the questions back down inside, along with my fears, and gesture in the direction of my room. Edward carries me, never once moving his lips away from mine.
Once in my room I assume he will place me on the bed, but it seems Edward Cullen has a penchant for the vertical. He pulls my legs tighter around him and presses us against the closed bedroom door.
Trailing his mouth and tongue down my throat he rocks his pelvis into me and I groan, feeling his arousal very clearly through his thin dress pants.
"Fuck, Bella," he grits out. "Do you have any idea what you are doing to me right now?" He presses firmer still with his hips. "Can you feel what you do to me?"
It's so very obvious how I am affecting him that I can't help the nervous giggle from escaping.
"Yes, Edward." I murmur, rocking into him and trying not to fear the size of the bulge in his pants. "I think it is quite clear..."
I expect him to chuckle too but he goes silent and still and my heart freezes, worried that I have said the wrong thing. He gently lowers my legs to the ground and pulls away slightly to meet my eyes, his practically black with desire and a rawness in his expression that I have not seen before. The atmosphere changes so suddenly, I can almost feel the emotional charge between us.
"What about this?" he whispers, gently taking my wrist in his hand. "Can you feel what you are doing to me here?"
He lays my open palm on his chest, just over his hammering heart. The speed with which it is pounding catches me off guard but I quickly realise my own heartbeat is just as fast.
"It's racing," I whisper.
He nods. "For you," he whispers back, somewhat cautiously.
"Ever since the first moment I saw you," he continues, still not breaking eye contact. He smiles a little ruefully. "It was waiting for you, I think. My heart was searching for you before I even realised I was."
I think of Kate's words from earlier, a few hours and a lifetime ago. If Edward Cullen offers you his heart, you'd be a fool not to take it.
I know that she is right.
I take his hand in mine and rest it over my own racing heart. This man is not my husband. This man is only just more than a stranger and yet I want more of what I can see in his raw green gaze. I want to tell him everything, and nothing. I want him to discover me, to know me.
To want.
To need.
To try.
I don't want any more words. Except one.
"Yours," I say, and I know he knows I mean my heart. "It's already yours, Edward."
I watch him swallow and slowly replace his hand with his mouth, placing a reverent kiss just left of my breastbone. With the lightest of touches he slowly grazes my chest, collarbone, throat and jaw with his lips.
"Bella," he says and I can hear the gentle smile in his voice. His hands grip my waist more tightly. "My Bella."
He takes my hand and gently leads us over to the bed. My heart pounds and I can't tell if excitement or fear is the cause. He stands behind me and sweeps my now-loose hair away from my neck, brushing his lips there.
"So beautiful," he whispers.
I can feel his fingers at the zipper of my dress and the black fog pushes forward.
No!
I push it back and will myself to focus on the feeling of his warm fingers as they graze their way down my spine with my zip. He turns me gently to face him and the sweet expression on his face calms me slightly.
He cares about you, Bella. He's going to be gentle. Just. Keep. Calm.
With the lightest touch he begins to pull down my dress, I notice his fingers trembling slightly and for a crazy moment I am jealous of him, jealous that he can enter into this act with only nerves and anticipation, without gut-wrenching fear.
My dress falls to my ankles and I hear his sharp intake of breath. I find the courage to meet his eyes and they are hooded with lust.
"Jesus, Bella..." He pulls me to him and up onto the bed. In only my underwear I feel vulnerable and the fog pushes harder and harder.
You're fine, Bella. You just need a distraction. Kiss him again.
I lie on my back and pull his face to mine. His mouth is hot and hard and strong now and his hand finds my bare breast. I can't help the gasp that escapes my mouth.
That's it. Focus on that, on him, on how much you want him.
Desperate for more of his skin I start to undo his shirt buttons but my hands are shaking too much. Catching on, Edward captures my hand in his and squeezes gently. He begins to undo the buttons himself but catches my eye.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asks quickly, concern mixed in with desire.
Don't fuck up, Swan.
I force my face to relax.
"More than okay," I smile and he gives me a tentative smile back. I kiss him and with renewed confidence undo all his shirt buttons, pushing it over his shoulders. He leans up to quickly shed it before coming back into me.
The feeling of his bare skin against mine is definitely the distraction I need. He moves his hips against me and I can't help but dig my nails into his bare back.
How can I feel so aroused and so afraid all at once?
He bends his head and moves his mouth over my breast. He hums a groan when he sucks my nipple into his mouth, then flicks it with his tongue. His strokes the other with his hand.
"You have the most incredible breasts, Bella," he murmurs, kissing my neck again. "Everything...everything is incredible. I want you so much, Sweetheart."
The endearment makes the breath catch in my throat and tears sting my eyes.
Don't break. Keep calm. You're safe.
"I want you too," I choke out. And it's the truth. But it is also the worst possible lie.
He kisses me again a lot more desperately and I'm able to almost lose myself again. His hands find every part of my skin - my breast, my neck, my side, my stomach. He grips my hip and then I feel his fingertips gently graze the material of my underwear.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
I can't breathe and the fog surrounds me on all sides.
Fight it! Calm the fuck down. It's going to be fine.
More distractions. I reach between us and press my hand against his hardness; he bucks into my touch with a curse. This is familiar and safe. I stroke him for a few moments but then his hand is back between my legs.
"Fuck, I need to touch you too baby..." He says in a strained voice. His fingers graze the outside of my panties and while a part of me is screaming yes yes yes the black fog descending drowns it out.
It is all around me, swirling and circling and choking me. I can't breathe.
It's dark and I can't breathe..."It hurts, Jake."...sobbing while he shouts...glass everywhere, blood on my skin..."THIS ISN'T FAIR, BELLA, YOU'RE MY WIFE!"...their eyes are burning into me..."NO! Let me go!"...please please please...
I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't breathe
"...Bella? Can you hear me? Bella! Please, Bella!" I'm disorientated and I'm suddenly aware that I'm sitting up now, my feet are on the ground. My chest is tight and the room is spinning and spinning. I think I will be sick.
"Can you hear me, Bella? Baby, look at me."
The room finally grinds to a halt and Edward's face is in front of me - flushed and anxious.
I try to say his name but it gets caught in my throat.
"It's okay, it's okay, just take a few deep breaths okay?" His voice is coaxing and a little hysterical. "Breathe in and out when I do, all right?"
His hands are on my shoulders and I watch his eyes as we breathe together. My heart slows down a little, air finally fills my lungs.
"Are you okay?" he asks, after a minute or two.
"Yes." I manage but my throat feels a little raw.
He pulls me into his arms and holds me so tight. "Thank God, thank God. Fucking hell, what the hell happened just then? You scared a shit out of me..."
"I...I don't know."
He pulls back to look at me, strokes my hair away from my eyes. "You don't know? Bella, you...I don't know...had a panic attack or something! One minute you were fine and the next you were shouting and thrashing and saying you couldn't breathe and - Jesus, I was terrified."
I'm shaking and he grabs the blanket from the end of the bed to wrap around me.
Even the brave version of Bella inside me is resigned now. You can't do this. You need to tell him.
I focus on the threads of the blanket in my lap; I lean into the warmth of his body beside me, his arm around my shoulders.
Say it, out loud.
"I can't have sex with you, Edward," I finally admit in a small voice.
Edward almost snorts. "Well, shit, Bella I got that!"
He pulls me a little closer. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to do, you hear me? Do you understand? We can take this as slow as you want. I just want to talk, I just need you to tell me what's going on."
I shake my head sadly. "No, that's not what I meant. You don't understand."
He pulls me around a little to face him and captures my face in his gentle grasp. "So make me. Please."
There is nowhere left to run.
"I'm not saying I don't want to sleep with you, or that I won't. I'm saying I actually...can't."
I take a deep breath and hold his eyes with mine.
"I can't have sex, Edward."
A/N
...
*peeks out*
So there you go, a little of Bella's secret is revealed. I hope you're still with me and would LOVE to hear your thoughts (correction I NEED to hear them lol!).
Thanks as always. A x
Oh and PS - the summary for this story says "lemons" and, fear not, they WILL happen, in spite of what you see here... ;-)