A/N

Thank you so much for the awesome response last chapter, guys. I'm very glad you are sticking with me and really hope you will continue to. I know a few of you were a little "WTF, Amber?" (quite understandably!) and I hope this next chapter will make things a little clearer :-)

Thanks as always to my wonderful beta, Trip (aka FFFan1664). I don't mind admitting that this chapter was heading somewhere a little wacky before she talked me down from the ledge and worked her magic.

A couple of things. Firstly, the Forks in this story is entirely fictional and not based on canon or the real town. I'm certainly not suggesting any town in Washington, or indeed anywhere outside of my imagination, is anything like this.

Second, a WARNING - this chapter contains a brief reference to sexual assault. It is neither lengthy nor graphic but it is there so please proceed with caution.

Anyway, I'm sure none of you are reading any of this as you are going straight for Bella's reveal. Aren't you? Eh? Go on, admit it...

EPOV

"I can't have sex, Edward."

My heart pounds. The rain slams against the windows.

There is silence while my mind reels, while a thousand possibilities run rapidly through it.

Does she mean she's a virgin? But she's 27 and she was married and that...makes no sense.

Does she mean she can't for moral reasons? Maybe she' s religious or something. Although her faith is not something she has ever mentioned before so that seems unlikely.

Does she mean she can't because of something her husband did? If that bastard has hurt her I'll -

Wait. Not won't. Not doesn't want to. She can't have sex. Does she mean physically can't? Is that possible? Could nature be that cruel? She is beautiful and sexy and perfect.

And mine.

"Edward?" Her tear-stained face is so innocent and heartbreakingly sad. All I can think about is protecting her. Holding her.

I tighten my arm around her shoulders. "I...what do you mean? I'm not sure I understand."

She nods, sighs, her eyes down. Her voice is quiet, beautiful and somehow connected to my heart by an unbreakable thread.

She says, "I have a psychological condition called vaginismus. It means I suffer involuntary muscle spasms that make sex painful, difficult and sometimes impossible."

She speaks as if she is quoting a medical journal, one that she has quoted many times before. All I hear are the highlights. Painful. Difficult. Impossible?

My chest aches and I don't know if it's for Bella or myself. This girl is everything I want and but what kind of relationship could we ever have without sex?

Wait. Involuntary? So she doesn't control it?

Psychological. Her mind controls it without her conscious permission.

The word frigid materialises in my mind, and it feels dark and disgusting. I know instantly that it's not like that; she wanted me. She held me and touched me and kissed me and I know she wasn't faking that. It must be something she can't control.

The magnitude of this hits me in the gut. She has spent presumably years wanting to have sex and not being capable? Living in pain and frustration. My heart breaks open and it's definitely for her.

She is watching me with cautious eyes waiting for my reaction. The problem is I have no idea how to react or how I feel. I want this girl more than I've ever wanted anyone. She has consumed every part of me and now everything is different.

Except...nothing is. She's still Bella; she's still beautiful and wonderful.

She's still everything I want.

And she wants me, right? That's what has led us here. It's what brought me here to her flat, the belief that she was only pushing me away because she was afraid of feeling something, just as I was. She told me her heart belonged to me and I was happy, happier than I've been in years.

Then I got to touch her and taste her and everything was...more. More than I imagined, more than ever before, more than I thought possible. She wanted me and I finally got to put my hands and mouth on her and...fuck.

She wasn't going to tell me. She knew how it would likely end and she was just going to let me do it. Even knowing it would cause her pain, knowing that my touch would hurt her.

Painful. Difficult. Impossible. I imagine her perfect face contorted in agony beneath me and I feel sick.

"You weren't going to tell me."

It's not a question but she shakes her head anyway.

"You were just going to let me touch you and try to...even though you knew it would hurt?"

I admit I'm a little pissed off. The thought of causing her any kind of pain is unbearable.

She seems so calm now, too calm; like she is numb to all this. Or she is making herself numb.

"I know," she says. "I'm sorry, Edward."

I take a deep breath to calm myself. "Why, Bella? Why not just tell me?"

I wish she would look at me. "I...I hoped it wouldn't matter. I hoped it would be different. I've never felt like this before, never wanted someone this much. I thought that would help to fix it. I was wrong."

My heart pounds at her declaration. Even during the midst of her anguish, I can't help but be reassured that she feels something for me too.

I pull her close and wrap both arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

"You still should have told me, then maybe you wouldn't have had that...attack."

I feel her nod against my chest. "I was afraid too though. I still am. I knew that if I told you the truth you wouldn't want me any more. Why would you want a woman you couldn't have sex with? And that hasn't changed."

She pulls out of my grasp and puts some space between us on the bed.

"You can still go. You can leave now, Edward. You don't have to sit here with me because you feel guilty or sorry for me. I'm fine. I can get on with my life and you can get on with yours and we can forget this ever happened."

Not a chance, Sweetheart.

I move back towards her and gently lift her chin to look at me.

"Do you see me running away, baby?" I ask her softly. I love calling her that and I love the light that hearing it brings to her previously numb eyes.

"No, I guess not."

Why aren't you running, Cullen? This isn't you. Usually if a woman has a needy cat or a slight daddy complex it is too much baggage for you. But I realise I have nowhere to go. For the first time since...since Tanya I want to stand still in one place, and that place is with Bella.

"Well then," I say, lightly. "Why don't you get dressed, because you're still shaking a little, and I'll go put the kettle on. Then you can tell me everything. Sound good?"

She nods and gives me a small smile. My heart flips and I internally roll my eyes at myself.

I lean down and give her a soft kiss on the lips before standing up to let her dress.

"Everything is better after a cup of tea anyway." I say, partly joking and she giggles and it's the most wonderful sound in my world.

"You and your damn tea, Edward Cullen," she laughs.

Painful. Difficult. Impossible. Funny then, how being with Bella feels so easy.

Bella's flat is half the size of mine but twice as homely. She has a tiny kitchen, just off of the cosy lounge. There is a two-seater settee, a small table and a bookcase in the corner. There are still several boxes yet to be unpacked but I love that the bookcase is full and the sofa has a throw and cushions. It's as if she has taken care of the things that matter to her.

I re-button my shirt and make myself at home in her kitchen, filling the kettle and grabbing two mugs from the cupboard. I can't remember the last time I was in a woman's house and wasn't looking for the quickest escape route, but this is definitely not a home I want to escape from. Being among Bella's things makes me warm and happy, despite the conversation we're about to have.

You're such a soppy git.

"Hi," she says shyly, appearing in the doorway. She has changed into grey jogging bottoms, a pink vest top and a black cardigan. She has washed her face and brushed her gorgeous hair. When I saw her in that dress earlier tonight I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen but I realise now that Bella is even more stunning like this. I try not to notice that she isn't wearing a bra.

Definitely not the time, Cullen, given the situation.

"Hi," I reply and hand her a cup of tea. When she steps nearer to me I can't resist touching her, I feel like I want to be connected to her in some way.

"You feeling okay?" I ask, slipping my arm around her shoulders and running a strand of her hair through my fingers. It's even softer than I've been imagining.

She nods. "Yes much. I'm sorry for scaring you."

I pull her into me for a cuddle and rest my head on top of hers. Ever since watching her cry and hyperventilate on the edge of her bed it's as if I am frightened to let her go.

I breathe in her hair, god she really does smell good.

She sniggers and says, "Edward, I think you may have quite an unhealthy hair obsession you know?"

I laugh and release her so I can look at her. "Only yours," I say.

She blushes and I touch my fingers to her cheek. After watching her and wanting her for so long I don't think I'll ever get tired of being able to touch her.

"So, shall we talk?" I ask softly, gesturing towards the lounge.

She swallows nervously and nods and I resist pulling her back into my arms.

We go through and sit down. I know this is going to be difficult so I try to keep my distance a little more, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa. She doesn't need me pawing all over her right now.

"I don't know where to start really," she says. "I mean it's such a humiliating thing to discuss."

"Hey, don't be silly. It's just me, right? And if anyone should be embarrassed right now it's the bloke who confessed his feelings for you in a hysterical meltdown and then followed you home in the pissing rain."

She smiles gently.

"Listen, how about you just start with Jacob?"

She nods, clasps her hands in front of her.

"Jake's had a pretty difficult life," she begins. "When he was 11 years old his mother drove them home from a party, drunk. There was an accident and she and Jake's older sister, Rachel, were killed, Billy, his dad, ended up in a wheelchair. Jake didn't have a scratch on him and seems to be harbouring a lot of guilt about that."

A normal reaction would be to feel desperately sorry for the guy, but my anticipation of what happened between him and Bella makes it difficult for me to feel anything for him at all.

"Anyway, he had to grow up pretty fast to take care of Billy. My father and Billy were best friends so we tried to help where we could but Jake bore the brunt. He was always pretty angry, I guess.

As I said, he and I had been friends for a long time and it was just always assumed we would be together. Forks is small and you might call it a little backward. There's little opportunity, but I wasn't planning on leaving. Jake had a job at the local garage, and had good prospects, I was just finishing high school and didn't exactly have big plans so figured marrying the local mechanic and having some babies wasn't a bad life."

I watch her flinch at the word babies.

"My dad couldn't be happier, Jake was already like a son to him so we planned a small wedding."

She hesitates. "Forks is a religious town. Dad and I went to church every Sunday and I wanted to wait till our wedding night to have sex. I think I regret that more than anything else."

She squeezes her hands together in her lap until her knuckles are white. I place my hand on top of hers and she relaxes a little.

"We got married when we were both 21. Jake got pretty drunk at the reception. Looking back I have to admit he had been following in his mother's footsteps for a couple of years but I just pretended everything was fine. Things were hard sometimes for him, what was the harm in a few drinks right?"

I don't say anything, dreading where this is going.

"Anyway, our wedding night didn't exactly go...as planned. I was a virgin so I knew things would be uncomfortable and Jake was kind of rough. He managed to get inside me but things didn't feel right at all and I was in agony the entire time. Thankfully, Jake was a virgin too and it was over very quickly."

I notice tears running silently down her cheeks. I want to say something, anything, to comfort her but what can I say? I know she needs to tell this. I take one of hands and hold it tight. She wipes her eyes with the other.

"Anyway, I thought it was just because it was my first time, you know? Everyone says that hurts so I thought it was normal. The next time we tried Jake was stone cold sober."

She pauses and looks at me.

"I need to explain, Edward, he isn't a bad person. He has a good heart and was a good friend for the most part. He would never hurt me when sober, but when he drinks he transforms into someone else.

We tried again and if anything things were worse. He was a lot more attentive this time, a lot more gentle. His touch even felt good for a while."

I wonder what she means by that. Did he make her come or didn't he? Sounds like maybe not.

"I was a lot more relaxed but when he put more than a finger inside everything was so tight and it hurt like hell when he tried two. He didn't force me like before because, well as I said, he didn't want to hurt me. We didn't know what was wrong or what to do. Neither of us had a mother to ask and there was no way I was speaking to my father. There is one doctor for the whole area and I know there are confidentiality rules but if you knew the place I came from you would know there is no way it wouldn't get out. Once one person knows a secret in Forks it spreads around like wildfire.

So we persevered but things didn't change. We were frustrated and upset and when he was drunk, Jake would lay into me about it. We found other ways of having a sexual relationship. 'Everything but' would be the best description I suppose."

I'm not sure if I feel relieved that at least Bella can enjoy those things or slightly sick at the thought her doing them with Jake. He was her husband, you possessive idiot.

"I knew Jake wasn't satisfied though. And who could blame him? His wife couldn't give him the one basic thing that all human beings are supposed to be able to do! His wife was a freak and we were broken and there was nobody we could talk to about it."

Tears are running down her face unchecked now, I forget my self-imposed rule and pull her into my lap, holding her tightly.

"To make matters worse, the whole town were gossiping about why we hadn't had a baby yet. There were whispers that I was barren."

"They still say "barren"?" I interrupt, unthinking. Where was this bloody place? 1901?

"I told you it was a lot different from here. Anyway, time went by and before I knew it had been years and things were still the same. Sometimes it would be better than others, we would actually have sex but after a few minutes I would always need to stop because it was so painful. When he was drunk it was worse, of course. He would lash out - tell me I wasn't a real wife, wasn't a real woman. He would tell me it wasn't fair and that I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain."

"He sounds lovely," I comment.

She turns to look at me again. "Think about it, Edward. I had deprived him of a basic human right for four years! He deserved to be angry."

I consider this carefully. Although Bella's situation is starting to panic me a little I still can't imagine hurting her that way.

"I think you deserved to be treated better. But carry on." I say.

"Things came to a head one night. It was me shouting this time. I was so frustrated, I felt so horrible and useless and hopeless. I, um, smashed a mirror with my fist. I hated myself."

I hold her even tighter to me and try to ignore the ache in my chest.

"We decided to go out of town to see a therapist. We found one but could only afford a few sessions. I thought it would fix everything. We put so much hope into it and I think that was the problem. Our expectations were too high. It didn't work."

She looks so broken all I can think about is ways of putting her back together.

"It wasn't the therapist's fault. It was mine and Jake's. For Psychosexual Therapy to work the couple has to be strong and trusting. Jake and I were already damaged by then I think; I couldn't trust him and he acted like he hated me at times. I know he loved me deep down but by the end all he seemed to feel was resentment and I don't blame him at all."

How can she take all this responsibility on herself? If it weren't for that first night maybe she wouldn't even have this condition. But I don't say anything for now, I let her tell her story.

She takes a shaky breath and I sense the worst part is to come.

"After our last therapy session we came home to Forks and Jake went on a bender. It was the worst I've ever seen. The bar owner called me to come and get him as he was causing a disturbance. When I got there he was in such a state. He tried to push me away, shouted at me and called me names. All I wanted to do was get him out of there, I was afraid he would hurt someone.

He said...stuff."

Her eyes close for a second and I stroke her hair soothingly. "What stuff, Bella?" I ask softly.

"He told them all," she whispers. "The place was packed to the rafters, and he announced that I was frigid, that I was a freak. He said it was a good job he had married me and saved another guy the trouble. He said we hadn't had sex the whole time we'd been together and that it was probably because...because...no baby deserved a mother who was as fucked up as me."

Jesus.

She is shaking and crying and her eyes have this glazed over look as if she is still there in that town. I hold her tighter and rock her gently, even though my body is trembling with anger.

"Shhh, baby, it's okay. It's all right. You're away from there now. It's over."

I kiss the top of her head and cuddle her close and try to think of anything that I can say to take away her hurt. But what can I do? Besides making sure that bastard never has the opportunity to hurt her again.

Eventually she calms a little and I ask, "So that's why you came here?"

She shakes her head. "Not exactly. I went to stay at my dad's, I knew there was no way I could stand to be around Jake after he had outed us like that. But after only a week I knew I needed to leave Forks."

I'm a little incredulous. "Did nobody speak to you? Offer to help? Give you a shoulder to cry on or anything?"

She shakes her head again, a sarcastic smile at the edge of her lips. "No. Quite the opposite, everyone avoided me. I don't think anyone knew what to say. Plus, Jake had been a drunken shit to me but to most of them he could do no wrong. They'd forgive his occasional benders because he was Jacob Black, the golden boy of their community. They saw it as my fault. That I was the reason our marriage broke up and that I'd left him all alone."

I'm so baffled by all this. "This town sounds so strange..."

She nods sadly. "It kind of is compared to here, but it was all I knew then."

"So what happened next?"

"After a week of staring and whispering I packed up and headed to Seattle. I have a friend there who had left Forks the year before and he helped me find an apartment and got me the interview at Volturi."

"Six months later I got the call that Charlie had had died from a heart attack. Without him all I wanted to do was run further away. So I did."

I look down at her and study her face carefully, instinctively suspicious.

"Bella, why do I feel like there is something else? Something you're leaving out."

A shadow crosses her lovely features and I know I am right.

"What else happened when you left Forks?" I ask gently.

She doesn't look at me. "It's not important, Edward. And you'll just get...upset."

What the fuck?

I can feel my whole body stiffen up. "Tell me. What else happened?"

She draws a shaky breath, studies her clasped hands. I have to lean down to hear her as she speaks so quietly.

"About a fortnight after I arrived in Seattle, Jake knocked at the door. He must have begged my dad for the address."

I swallow hard and clench my fists. "And?"

"He was angry and drunk and tried to make me come home. I said no and we argued and he...he..."

Every muscle in my body feels taut and ready to spring.

"Did he hit you?" I grit out, perversely hoping she'll say yes because the alternative is causing the taste of bile in my mouth.

She shakes her head, trembling slightly.

I carefully move away to sit on the edge of the sofa because I'm worried if I hold her right now I'll crush her.

Finally, I whisper. "He forced himself on you."

"He tried," she nods. "Thankfully Emmett came home and interrupted. He pulled Jake off me and tried to call the cops. But I stopped him."

"You stopped him?" I ask quietly, incredulous. "For God's sake, Bella, why didn't you report him?"

I can't really see straight and feel like I'm either going to throw up or break something in the next 30 seconds.

"And say what?" She cries out. "That my own husband tried to rape me?"

"YES!" I shout and she cowers back a little. I cringe at her reaction and force myself to calm down. I try to keep my tone measured. "Yes, Bella, that is exactly what you say."

I'm seething inside and I can barely get in control of myself. The possessive side of me, that only Bella seems to be able to provoke, is taking over my mind and logic is flying out of the window.

"There was no point," she is saying. "No one would believe me, he could always sweet talk his way out of anything. Plus I know it was...an accident really. I mean, it's not the real him when he's drunk. He doesn't know what he's doing. He has been through so much-"

I interrupt, furious. "I don't give a fuck how many of his family are dead that doesn't give him the right to ATTACK his own WIFE!"

I'm raging and I briefly wonder if I've lost my mind a little. All I can see is Bella, my Bella, cowering on the floor while this...this...fucking monster tries to...tries to...

My mind is racing with the idea of simply getting on a flight right now, finding this backward-as-fuck town and smashing his face into whichever bar he happens to be wallowing in. All I can think about is hurting him, killing him. She is so gorgeous and precious and he violated all of that, many times and I want to smash the shit out of him until he begs me to stop...

I pace the room and clench my fists. I know I need to calm down. I know she doesn't need another violent fucker right now.

She looks up at me from the sofa, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. "Edward, please calm down," she whispers. "It's okay."

It most definitely is not okay but she doesn't need a raging maniac and I have to be what she needs. I sit back down beside her and take her hand. I take a deep breath and focus on her soft touch, the calming brown of her eyes.

"It doesn't matter, okay?" She soothes. "He didn't do it. I'm fine. It's over."

"But it isn't over, is it?" I remember. "He's still calling you."

She moves one hand to stroke my face. "But that doesn't mean anything. He is there and I am here and he can't get to me."

Calmer, I pull her into my arms. I breathe in a steady breath of her scent and she strokes her hand gently over my back.

"No he can't," I say. "Because I am never, ever going to let anyone hurt you again, okay? And Bella, I swear if he ever shows up here I won't be held accountable for my actions."

"Okay," she says. "Okay. But he won't."

I take a few more deep breaths and try to slow my heart down. I slowly unclench my fists. She's right. It is over. Bella is safe and now I can make sure it stays that way.

"I'm sorry," I eventually whisper. "I'm sure the last thing you need is more violence from a man."

She pulls back and looks up at me. She smiles a little even though her eyes are still red.

"It's okay, don't worry about it," she says. "I just can't believe you're even still here."

I graze the back of my knuckles along her cheek. "Where else am I going to be?"

She shrugs. "This is a lot to take in. I'm kind of, well, I'm fucked up." She grimaces.

I shake my head and bring my face close to hers. "No," I whisper, close to her lips. "You're beautiful and strong and amazing. And I'm exactly where I want to be."

I kiss her gently, still marvelling at how incredible her lips feel moulded to mine.

Eventually I pull back with a sigh. "We still have tons to talk about but it's..." I glance at my watch. "Shit, 3am. You need to get some sleep now."

Her eyes are red with dark circles underneath and I imagine mine don't look much better. The party feels like a week ago rather than a few hours.

I reluctantly release her and go to fetch my jacket. I don't want to leave but I think staying will just make things more difficult. She has trusted me with so much tonight, I don't want to push my luck.

I can feel Bella's eyes on me.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I understand if you want to get the hell out of here, you know after everything that you know now and stuff, but I just wanted to say...you don't have to. I mean, it's fine if you still want to stay. To sleep I mean. But obviously if you don't want to that's fine too I just wanted to be clear and -"

I walk over and cut off her rambling with a brief kiss.

"I'd love to stay," I tell her. "If that's what you want."

She nods and smiles and I can already see her eye lids getting heavier.

"Come on," I dump our cups in the sink and lead her to the bedroom. She starts to climb under the covers and at once I feel a little awkward. She asked me to stay but does she mean here, in her bed, or on the couch or what?

I shift my weight anxiously from foot to foot. She looks at me and smiles.

"I'd like you to stay in here, Edward, if that's okay?"

Thank god.

"That's more than okay."

I look down at my clothes. "Um, so would it be alright if I remove my trousers? It's just, it's a rented tux." I laugh nervously and drag a hand through my utterly dishevelled hair.

"Of course, just be comfortable," she says and I doubt whether comfort is exactly the right word for how I will feel in bed next to her.

I slip off my trousers and my dress shirt and slip into bed beside her in my boxers. She turns off the light and then rolls onto her side to face me. My hands instinctively find her waist in the dark and she shifts nearer to me. I find her mouth and kiss her gently, careful not to let things get too heated.

When we break away I say, "Listen, we'll work this out together okay? I'm...I care about you. There is no way I'm going to want out because of a situation that can likely be fixed anyway. Right?"

I watch her eyes flash with sadness in the dim light and I know she's worrying that things can't be fixed. But then she brushes her mouth against mine again and says, "Thank you...for listening. I care about you too. More than you know."

My chest tightens and I hug her closer.

"So just go to sleep now and we'll talk more tomorrow."

She nods and turns onto her other side, but keeps near to me. I curl myself around her and hold her close. I can't remember the last time I spooned with a woman but doing so with Bella just feels like relief.

After a few minutes I hear her breathing get regular with sleep but I'm wide awake. With Bella now safe and sleeping in my arms there is nothing to distract my mind from everything she has told me. She has opened up feelings in me that I had forgotten existed and I know I don't want to lose her but I can't help worrying about what she has told me, how serious this is, how...permanent.

What if her fears are warranted? What if her condition can't be "fixed"? The idea of living without ever being inside her fills my mind with dread but the idea of living without her at all is worse.

I try to shake the dark thoughts away. She can't be the only person in the world suffering from this, and other people must have been cured so Bella can be too. And I don't even know yet how bad things are - between her tears and my outrage we haven't had time to discuss the, well, ins and outs of it yet.

But what if it really isn't fixable, Cullen? Do you really want to get into all that? Do you really think you are the best man to handle this? You haven't had a relationship that was based on anything besides sex for fucking years so what makes you think you'll make this work?

I force the doubts from my head and squeeze my eyes closed. It will all be just fine. It has to be.

"Edward?" Bella's drowsy voice makes me jump. I guess she wasn't sleeping after all.

"Yeah?" I whisper.

"Thank you for staying, thank you for not...running away."

I feel a sudden sting in my eyes and for a horrible moment I wonder if I might embarrass myself by shedding some tears of my own. Instead I pull her tighter to my chest and bury my face in her hair, planting a soft kiss on her neck.

"I finally have you in my arms, Bella Swan, there is no way I'm letting you go now."

And despite the dozens of thoughts spinning in my mind, I know I mean every word.

A/N

Despite its ridiculous-sounding name, vaginismus is a completely real condition - feel free to Google it for more information. Or if anything above doesn't make sense, just ask me.

As always, your feedback is my drug of choice. I'd be particularly keen to hear your thoughts on Jacob. He was already Washington's Most Wanted at the end of the last chapter so I'm very curious to hear what you think of him now you know everything. Any sympathy, based on his childhood, or still completely inexcusable and needs his head bashing into a bar by Eddie?

Lastly, just to let you know, I am donating an outtake to the Fandom4Heros compilation. It's an EPOV version of Chapter 10 and if you are interested you should definitely take a look at their blog below for details and info of the other authors who are donating. It's a really terrific cause.

fandom4heroes . blogspot . com

Thanks, as always. A x