I felt empty, closed, and trapped.
My heart felt as though it were made of stone, and I could no longer hear it beat. Nothing in the room existed to me but the figure lying on the bed before me. There was a scar on his face and a bandage around his torso. I found myself wondering if he could walk. I couldn't comprehend where I was, only who I was with, and why.
I am the Dragonborn. I am the vanguard of life and safety. And I hurt him. This is my fault.
Everything felt empty to me. How could I let this happen? Only hours ago did I learn the most important part of who I was and what I was meant for. I have already failed at my job. Why am I even alive? I should've let the dragon kill me.
"Karal'e?", a nameless voice spoke from behind me. "The Jarl would like to speak with you. If you're ready."
The concept of my location came back to me. I held my gaze on Ri'saad for a moment, lifted myself from the chair, and left the room for matters more far-reaching.
As I stood before the Jarl's throne, the shadows cast upon the ceiling seemed to stare down at me with an atmosphere of judgement. I had nothing within me, and nothing to say, so my Jarl was the first to speak.
"I have heard about what happened at the Western Watchtower," the Jarl stated. "It really was a great victory."
It certainly didn't feel like it. I stood silent, but listening, and the Jarl ceased waiting for a response.
"You know how important this is, and how important you are," he said. "And you must know the feeling of loss and guilt to move on. Gain strength."
If only I knew what that felt like.
"The Eight have sent you down here for a tremendously significant purpose, and although you must make your decisions alone." The Jarl prepared his words. "You need the proper resources to accomplish this. I am making you a Thane of my court."
I still had nothing to say. The significance didn't take root in me. Why couldn't I grasp the weight of that statement?
"I am honored, my Jarl."
"Your house is completed. I can now grant you the assistance of a housecarl. I believe she is on her way here to take you there. I should also advise you to speak with the Greybeards about this."
"Thank you, sir," I punctuated.
I was dismissed. Out of a door to the side, I watched as my new housecarl approached to introduce herself.
"Hello, my thane. My name is Lydia and I am your new housecarl," she stated with pride.
"Uh, I'm not big on formalities, Lydia. You can just call me Karal'e."
"All right, then," she said, shifting to a more relaxed stance. "I was sent because Irileth thinks I'm one of her best and I've been trying to find my way out of bureaucracy, anyways, so..."
"You won't find too much with me, I can promise that much," I said. "I hope you can fight close-range, though. I'm a bit rusty in that area."
"You'll have no problems with me, my-" She paused. "...Karal'e,"
There was an exchange of shaking hands before we went "backstage" to the guard's barracks, where Ri'saad was being kept. Lydia followed me there. I pensively opened the door, and was surprised to see that he was up and walking without a problem. As soon as he saw me, he strode up to me with wide eyes and wrapped his arms around my waist. Then he lifted me at least two feet up.
"P-please put me down," I strained before he dropped me back on my feet.
"This one is glad to see you in one piece," Ri'saad said with enthusiasm. He complied by putting me back down, but he kept his left hand on my bicep.
"I should be saying that to you," I said, surprised.
"That is why it feels great to see you," he said as his voice lowered. "You're... the only person Ri'saad has left." He couldn't find anything to say, and let go of my arm.
"You should live with me. We have three beds over there, so there's room."
"That would be very nice, of you," he stuttered. "Do they have this one's belongings?"
Lydia interjected with some reluctance. "They're supposed to be back at the house, they were shipped with the furniture." She paused for a moment. "I'm really sorry, by the way."
"That is fine, this one thinks he can cope on his own."
I looked at Ri'saad questioningly. I could see right though him, because I know how difficult it can be to lose just one person who is close to you right before your eyes. I couldn't imagine how it felt for him to lose his entire caravan. Knowing that he would talk to me about it if he wanted to, I didn't say anything. The three of us filed out of Whiterun, but we stopped by the dismantled dragon bone. Farengar wanted to keep a few bones for study, but I had my own ideas for the rest of it.
The house had a broad, rectangular shape. There was one large room with a dining table leading to a fireplace, with two doors on either side of the mantle, leading to a storage room in the back. The dining room had a raised ceiling, with a second-floor balcony wrapping around an opening to the dining table below. Two sets of stairs on both sides led up, and above the storage room were one large and two average bedrooms. As boring as that sounds, it sure looked exciting.
After all, not every house had the spine and ribcage of a Dragon lining the ceiling of the main hall. Or a chandelier of Dragon teeth, either.
"By the Twin Moons," said Ri'saad.
"Kick. Ass," Lydia said.
"I call it Dragon-blood Manor," I stated. "This makes me look so full of myself, and normally, I'd care. But this is worth it."
My new companions nodded in agreement. We couldn't settle in a more appropriate home.
After a day in the house, Ri'saad and I had filled ourselves with enough energy from food and sleep to get up from our beds for more than five minutes. Lydia stood watch most of the time and cared for herself in terms of nourishment. I compensated by giving her a day off watch duty, but she still insisted on switching me indoors for meal-time. Ri'saad and I sat in the storage room where a table and three chairs had been set up. I looked over at the opposite corner at our new alchemy lab, gifted to us by Farengar.
"That was unusually nice of him to give us an alchemy lab," Ri'saad pointed out.
"Friendly faces are hard to come by," I sighed. "I'm glad to have two staying here with me."
"Well, in your case..." He leaned slightly forward over the table. "This one has three friends. Ri'saad couldn't have imagined a better person than you, and might as well count you in twice."
The warm feeling spread through my face. I was sure he could see it, but I futilely looked away, and I said, "You've definitely made a habit out of making me feel even luckier."
Ri'saad seemed satisfied with the line of conversation and switched topics. "This is rather large for a first home, being made before you knew about..." He avoided saying it for a moment. "The dragon thing."
"Dragonborn? Yeah," I clarified. "But I should remind you that I had a lot of gold and the man had some bias due to my magic background and the fact that I retrieved a very rare artifact for him. Looking at my surroundings, I think risking my life was well worth it."
Lydia returned almost as soon as I had finished speaking. Ri'saad immediately ceased lounging forward and sat straight up. She chuckled to herself. "At ease, Ri'saad. You look nervous."
"Ah, well," he stumbled. "This one is just settling in to sleeping in a house."
"Bullshit, you slept like a mammoth," she jabbed.
He seemed taken aback. "Ah, it was very comfortable, this one remembers!"
The housecarl rolled her eyes and asked him, "How do you fight?"
"Infrequently, but with daggers, preferably two," he said. "This one was taught to fight quietly, but does not anticipate much silence here."
I got up, realizing nobody was outside. "I'm going on defense shift, I'll be back later."
Ri'saad stood up and stopped me, saying, "You know, you could have this one do some work and feel like he's contributing."
"Are you feeling okay enough?" I said. He gave me a comically dirty look. "All right, go ahead. You have a weapon?"
"Two," Ri'saad said as he pulled out twin steel daggers.
"Right, even better," I said as I returned to my seat. Lydia replaced Ri'saad in his seat as he left.
We sat without speaking for at least a few minutes. Lydia got an unnervingly devious look on her face.
"So, Ri'saad..."
"I hate you already."
"Good!"
The next day, we decided it was time to visit the Greybeards. I decided it would be most appropriate to take Lydia with me and leave Ri'saad behind for defense, since he seemed capable enough. We left early in the morning and traveled to Ivarstead, a small town at the foot of the 7,000 steps to High Hrothgar, which sits near the top of Skyrim's highest mountain peak.
We passed through the quiet farm town without much notice when an elderly man saw us approaching the bridge to the steps, and hobbled hastily up to us.
"Excuse me, travelers," he said. "Are you heading up the steps?"
"Yes, all of them," I responded.
"Oh!", he exclaimed. "Well, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Klimmek, and I make a trip up the steps every year to deliver supplies to the Greybeards."
"Do you want us to help you?"
"Oh, yes, please! I have been doing this for years, but I am far too old to continue. I was going to get someone I knew to do this job, but if you help me out, I'll be sure to pay you!"
"We'd be glad to help you," I said. "Do you have the supplies?"
"I will get them now, they're in my shop." He hobbled away.
Lydia walked up next to me, then shook her head disapprovingly. "You're way too nice, Karal'e," she said. "What if he wants us to carry a damned pile of ore? I don't think we have time for this."
Klimmek hurried back to us with a small sack of carrots. He said, "Here you are! Thank you so much!" I took the small sack, nodded politely, and returned Lydia's glare of disapproval.
We decided to count the steps on our way up. The stairs rose up the steep cliff face, winding through crevices and small, wintry valleys. The snow sprinkled gently at 100, rained incessantly at 200, poured by the gallon at 400, and we gave up counting when it began to drop in heaps. Visibility, in places, was very low. We were attacked by wolves pretty often, which would normally be no problem. Thankfully, the load we bore was not heavy enough to pull us down the cliff.
"Oh, by the Eight, Lydia! I simply cannot bear to lift these carrots any longer!" I shouted over the sound of the snow storm.
"Shut up!", she yelled in response.
Sooner than we had anticipated, the snow began to clear up. Our field of vision grew until we were able to see the peak of the mountain, which was much closer than we thought. It looked like we only had a little ways of walking left. After a few moments, we reached a steep cliff that led to a castle in the distance. High Hrothgar.
We stopped and stared along the path, not expecting the place to be so incredible. My immersion was broken with a resounding thud, and I found that a Frost Troll had approached from behind. Lydia drew her greatsword in defense as I drew a fire spell. I threw firebolts at the troll's face, blinding it to Lydia's powerful strike to the torso. It still put up a fight. A glance behind the troll gave me an idea. I blinded it with fire again, then dual-cast a fireball, launching it off the cliff behind. As it fell to the base of the mountain, we watched, relieved that we were able to take it down after such a long walk up.
We glanced forward again at High Hrothgar, near the top of the Throat of the World. Just a few more sets of stairs to go. I had much to know about being the ultimate Dragon-slayer, and this was my only chance to learn.