Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I own a Facebook account with lots of deliciously dirty friends... :-P

A/N

Once again, thanks to everyone who continues to support this story and offers me wonderful feedback. Thank you to Trip for not only knowing the difference between a colon and a semi-colon but also for being a fountain of knowlege on so many things and preventing this plot from going off the rails.

Special thanks as well to my new pre-readers from across the pond, dreamalittledream83 and ladyeire3, who will be helping me to keep Bella all American!

ladyeire3 is currently posting a hilarious piece called A Boy, A Girl and A Couple of Kilts. If you aren't already, you really should check this out for an overdose of fun and giggles. Edward wears a kilt, traditionally. Now if that doesn't tempt you I don't know what will? ;-)

EPOV

I can count on one hand the number of women, outside of those related to me, who have spent any real amount of time in my flat. And up until three weeks ago I would have sworn that wasn't likely to change any time soon. I like my space and I don't like feeling stifled, restricted or harassed, and any woman wishing to reside in my environment for longer than one night would surely have made me feel that way.

But now everything is different. I'm not entirely sure how it is or why, but I'm certainly not uncomfortable having a woman in my home. One particular woman at least.

As I watch Bella dashing around my kitchen, chopping tomatoes, throwing ingredients in a pan and generally making a mess of my pristine granite worktops, I wait for the feeling of irritation to wash over me, for my jaw to clench in annoyance and my brain to run through it's selection of tried and tested excuses to get rid of her. But it doesn't happen. I feel nothing but calm and happy.

The Edward of three weeks ago wouldn't even recognise me in the mirror right now and I couldn't care less.

"What the hell are you staring at, Edward Cullen?"

She turns towards me with a smile and the corners of my mouth automatically lift too as if just witnessing her happiness is enough to trigger mine.

"You," I tell her softly, putting my hands on her apron-covered waist and pulling her towards me. She lifts her eyes to mine and I slowly kiss each corner of her mouth, then the centre and then I pull her bottom lip gently with my teeth. I can't understand why kissing her still feels so new and fresh, when kissing any other woman would always get so old so quickly. She tastes like tomatoes.

"Yum," I whisper, kissing her jaw and running my hand down to her backside, pulling her tighter to me. She nuzzles my throat and my ever-honest heart thumps harder. At least now my heartbeat and I are on the same page.

"Edward..." She whines a little and struggles playfully out of my arms. "Do you want to be responsible for another ruined lasagne?" Her brown eyes are bright and teasing and that makes me want to kiss her even more. But I do also want lasagne. It's a tough call.

Friday nights used to be for pulling and getting drunk. Now I want nothing more than to fill them to the brim with Bella.

"Can I help?" I ask, when she goes back to the hob.

"I don't know. Can I trust you not to burn anything?"

I smirk. "It's debatable."

The intercom buzzes and I frown, I'm not expecting anyone but maybe Jasper is. He has been sleeping on my sofa bed while he looks for a flat, which I'll admit is a bit of a mood killer for Bella and I. Although he does work very long hours, god bless his heart.

"Hello?"

"Hi Bro!" comes the chipper reply.

I frown and buzz Alice up, a few moments later she appears at my front door, vibrating with nervous energy and way more dressed up than usual.

"Alright," I greet. "Did we have plans that I then forgot about?"

Because you are definitely about to get blown out for the hot bird currently prettying up my kitchen.

"Nope," she smirks. "I'm not here to see you."

Oh I see. She finally wants to confess, does she? Now should I make this very easy or very difficult...?

I'm not an idiot but you'd think my sister and best mate think I am from the way they have been trying to hide the most obvious romance in history.

Clue number one. Within 24 hours of him crashing unexpectedly into my flat, bag in hand, I caught Jasper texting someone with a half-grin on his face. I questioned him and he overreacted completely and told me it was none of my business.

Clue number two. Last Sunday I'm walking home from Bella's when I see Alice heading down to the tube. She doesn't live in Camden and she knew I wasn't home. When I questioned her she said she'd forgotten but when I invited her to come to mine now then she said it was too late and she had to go.

Clue number three. Alice has been avoiding my calls for a week and J couldn't look me in the eye when he headed into the bathroom almost an hour ago. And what can possibly take an hour if you're a bloke? Unless it's a date.

So I'm fairly certain Inspector Cullen has solved the case here.

"Hey, Bella!" Alice says, by means of distracting me.

"Hi Alice," Bella smiles shyly. "You look great."

Bella moves her gaze from my sister's flashy outfit to me and offers a coy grin. She's been my partner in this investigation.

"Yes, that is a slutty, sorry lovely, dress, Alice. Bit much though, isn't it? As you and Jasper are obviously just friends."

I stare at her and force my smirk away, painting my face in disapproval.

Alice clears her throat. "Well, the thing is—"

"And here he is now! Looking pretty dapper himself," I say loudly as Jasper comes down the stairs.

"What?" His eyes land on my sister and flash with panic. God, this is too much fun. "Erm, hi Alice. You're here. In here. I thought—"

"I figured we should do it now, rather than later, I don't want it hanging over our evening, you know?" She watches him with a nervous expression and I fight down a chuckle.

"What the fuck is going on?" I demand, making my voice as hard as I can while I catch Bella out of the corner of my eye pretending to examine the oven timer to hide her smirk.

Jasper stands next to Alice in what is presumably supposed to be a united front.

"So the thing is, mate, Alice and I aren't just...friends any more." The genuine hint of fear on his face makes me feel powerful and also like I might burst out laughing at any moment.

I inject some fake venom. "What?"

Alice shifts her feet and pulls up to her full four feet ten, lifting her chin indignantly "We're together, okay? And you needn't go all over protective on me because it's none of your business."

I take a step closer to J. "So what you're telling me is that you're fucking my sister when you're still married?"

"Um, well, I guess but Maria and I, it's over. You know that right? So it's fine really. Nothing to get in a twist over, right Ed?" He smiles nervously while Bella rolls her eyes at me from behind them, laughing silently.

As soon as I see Bella lose it. I can't hold it in any longer. Alice and Jasper stare at me while I laugh hysterically before Alice explodes.

"For fucks sake, Ed! You knew. You knew all this time and you were just having a wind up."

"'Course I bloody knew! Shit, you don't have to be fucking Poirot to work out that you two are having it off!"

"You're such a wanker, you know that?" Alice tries to shoot me daggers but I can tell she's fighting a smile. I pull her into a bear hug and ruffle her perfectly styled hair while she struggles under my grip.

"You love it, Sis. Now fuck off out of my flat and have a good time."

J grins at me in relief while Alice leads him out the door.

"That was evil," Bella says, giggling.

"Oh they deserved it, the cheeky buggers." I plant a quick kiss on her mouth. "I'm very glad they are gone though."

The oven timer pings.

"Hungry?" Bella asks.

I run my eyes over her body and feel hungrier and happier than I've felt in years.

"Always," I whisper, pulling her towards me.

"I'm sorry."

She whispers those two words into the darkness and I feel the same, familiar ache I feel every time she says them. Which is often. Way too fucking often.

I do the only thing I know how to do, cuddle her closer to my chest, hold her tighter, and be as comfortingly as I can.

"What have I told you about apologising?" I say, softly.

She pauses and when she speaks her voice breaks. "I can't help it. I feel so guilty."

Her voice is so soft I can barely hear her with her face turned away from me. But I feel the wetness of her silent tears as they track down her face and onto my arm.

"Bella," my own voice comes out a little choked. "Shhh. Baby, it's okay."

I've never felt more useless in my life. I've made plenty of mistakes, done plenty of moronic and ridiculous things but I've never felt so utterly powerless as I do in these moments.

The truth is the last three weeks have been incredible...except we haven't had sex.

I'm okay with that.

No, that's a lie. I want her. I want to feel her and be inside her and be connected with her in that way so, so badly. But I want her to be happy more.

But Bella is definitely not okay. I think she thought things would be different with us, and to a certain extent they are. She says I give her more pleasure that Jake could have even dreamed of. She says I make her feel safe and wanted and happy and he never did. She says she wants me in a way she never wanted him.

But physically things haven't changed for her. Everything is still tense and painful and even putting two fingers inside her, which we tried again tonight, is difficult.

I know the truth of it and deep down so does she. This is not something we can magically fix with a huge dose of lust and physical chemistry. No amount relaxing bubble baths or alcohol or hours of foreplay are going to make this problem go away.

She needs help from someone other than me, and that makes me feel useless, weak and pathetic.

I hear her take a deep, shaky breath.

"This is why I didn't want this, Edward."

My body tenses and my heart jumps in my chest.

"What?" I whisper, afraid now.

"This is why I pushed you away. You don't deserve this...this fucked up girl you can't fuck!" She laughs bitterly.

"This is why we shouldn't be together."

No.

Fuck no.

"Bella, turn around."

I feel her shake her head, I can't stand that I can't see her eyes.

"Sweetheart, please look at me."

She reluctantly rolls over and her red, tear-stained face just about breaks my heart.

"Please don't say that, baby." I practically beg.

"You deserve better than this, Edward."

"I don't! Christ, you deserve better than me! If you knew some of the things I've done you wouldn't think I deserve any woman. Least of all one as amazing as you."

She casts her eyes down and I can tell not a single thing I'm saying is reaching her.

"Do you want to be with me, Bella?"

I'm frightened to hear the answer but I need to know it. I'm in too deep with her not to.

"It's not fair on you," she whispers.

I hold her face in my hands, rest my forehead against hers and force her to look into my eyes.

"Forget about that stuff. Forget about sex and what you think is or isn't fair on me. Do you want to be with me?"

She stares at me. I hold my breath.

"Of course I do."

I let out a rush of air, kiss her several times in relief.

"Then that's all that matters."

She pulls back. "How can you say that? How can you not be bothered by this?"

I consider my response carefully. "Baby, I'm not going to lie and say I don't I want to be with you that way. Of course I do. But we can make it better, we can get there. I know we can. What I'm saying is that isn't the most important thing."

I stroke my fingertips gently across her cheekbones, her lips, her chin, graze then down her neck. She shivers and I watch my hand tremble too.

"The most important thing is how we feel, right?"

She nods, slowly.

Three words creep their way up from deep inside and into my throat; three words that have been hovering around my mind like spectres for days. If I release them I can't decide if they will choke me or save me.

I know Bella isn't Tanya, she couldn't be further from her. I know what we have is different and right and that there is no way it can end the same way. But if I release those words into the world then I give Bella my heart, shuddering and bloody on a silver platter, and that terrifies me.

I pull her into my arms, hide my face in her neck.

"You know how much I care about you, don't you? You know how crazy I am about you?"

Maybe I can show her and make her see without actually uttering the words that will chain me, bind me and leave me wide open.

"I need you in my life." I whisper. It's a poor second.

I feel her tears again, this time against my neck.

"I need you, too, Edward. I want to work this out. I want to be together."

I let relief wash over me but can't help but chastise myself. Maybe my name should be Cop-out Cullen. Or Coward, that works too.

I release her from my tight grip and kiss her.

"I do think though, that maybe it's time we thought about other options."

She nods, swallows.

"Are you ready to talk to someone? To a professional?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's just it really didn't help before and -"

I interrupt her. "This is different. I'm not Jacob. This isn't Forks. This is so entirely different and you don't have to be frightened, okay?"

"Okay," she replies but I know she is. And why shouldn't she be after everything that happened? Who would want to relive all that? But I feel certain she needs to.

"Promise you'll think about it?"

She nods, kisses me, burrows into my chest. I watch her for a few moments and then she closes her eyes.

It's another hour before I finally collapse into sleep. Those three words continue to fly back and forth across my mind, searching blindly for an exit in the dark. But every door they find to the outside is firmly shut and locked.

The next morning we get up late and Bella heads out to meet Angela for lunch. I'm pleased that she has found a friend in her. I know Bella is desperate to confide in her about us but feels she can't trust her yet, because she works for Volturi. I'm getting a little tired of sneaking around, although we haven't been quite so brazen at work since Bella's excitement inadvertently shut down the Internet for over an hour, I still can't help sniggering at the memory. I've been working out exactly how I'm going to approach Aro with this as soon as Bella realises it's the best option and gives me permission to tell him the truth.

I use the time without Bella to research. I crack open my laptop and type one word into Google - vaginismus. Considering it wasn't something I had ever heard of in my life before Bella's confession I'm surprised by how much information there is. I start to read.

A woman suffering from vaginismus does not consciously control the spasm. The vaginismic reflex can be compared to the response of the eye shutting when an object comes towards it. The severity of vaginismus, as well as the pain during penetration varies from woman to woman.

Not just from woman to woman it seems but from each time with the same woman. I've come to realise there are times when Bella is a lot more relaxed and open than others but I can't seem to find any correlation between those moments and what specifically we have been doing just beforehand. It seems random and uncontrollable, which is frustrating as fuck. The blinking metaphor is comforting though, it is reassuring to see in black and white that this isn't about Bella just not wanting to be with me deep down. She really doesn't control it. Control. That word again. Maybe it is just a case of her taking back control of that part of her body from her subconscious?

The list of possible causes is long and varied, ranging from the obvious like sexual assault, abuse or rape, to the more obtuse; stress, generalised anxiety and just the simple initial fear that first time intercourse would be painful leading to a vicious circle of tense muscles to pain to fear and back to tense muscles again. It seems some women have a cause of this and for others it is unknown. I have no idea how this applies to Bella - would she have been afraid and had difficulty with sex even if her first time with Jacob had been different, or hadn't been with Jacob at all? Or was it that first incident that was the catalyst for her having this condition in the first place? I realise that ultimately it doesn't really matter; all that matters is making it better. All I want to do is get her well, safe and happy.

There seems to be two main treatments; therapy for the psychological causes and "dilators" in various sizes to physically ease the problem. Reading about the latter just puts the image of Bella putting these things inside her in my mind and then I feel a little sickened with myself when that visual turns me on! It's pretty clear to me that because of everything she has been through, first and foremost Bella needs to speak to a therapist. I just hope she agrees to it.

When I'm alone like this there is still this niggling fear in the back of my mind. What if none of this works? What if the situation can't be made right? What about us, am I going to live without penetrative sex forever? Forever is a scary concept in itself but now I've fallen this far I can't imagine being without her and that's enough to trigger all my own fears. But stripped back to basics, I know all I want right now is Bella so I have to believe we'll be okay. I know there are still plenty of things she doesn't know about me, about my past, and I'll admit I've been reluctant to share them with her, afraid that she wont want me any more. But another part of me wants her to know everything, wants her to know me.

Starting with where I come from.

I need to make a call.

The phone rings for a long time but I let it, knowing she is probably in the garden.

"Hello?" It's a voice that personifies home to me.

"Hi Mum."

"Eddie!" The happiness and surprise in her tone makes guilt twist through me. I have been avoiding her because I don't want to see him and I know that isn't fair.

"How you doing?"

I let her prattle on for a few minutes about all the local gossip; her friend's roses and a new Primark that's opening down the high street. Finally, I say:

"Mum, I've got a bit of a favour to ask. Well, a request really."

"What is it, love?"

"I want to come and see you, maybe next weekend -"

"Well that's no favour! Oh my goodness, we'd love to see you. You haven't been home for so long!"

I smile, missing her. Missing everything.

"Well that's not the favour really. Would it be okay if I bring someone with me?"

"Jasper?" She guesses. Sometimes I take J to Essex in summer.

"No, erm, a woman."

It may be the longest I've ever known my mother to not speak.

"You...you want to bring a woman home? Here?"

The disbelief in her voice would be almost comical if it weren't so fucking pathetic. In truth, I have never once brought a girl home, besides Tanya.

"Yeah. Would that be all right with you?"

"Well yes! Yes of course! I'm just surprised, Eddie, that's all."

"Yeah I am a little too." I chuckle.

"So is she...? I mean, are you..? Will she be staying...with you? Or should I pull out the sofa bed?"

I laugh fully now.

"Yes, she'll be staying with me." I answer, still sniggering.

"Don't laugh at me, young man. How am I supposed to know? You kids these days, there are so many bloody rules. Alice talks about different boys every time we speak but she doesn't let me call any of them her boyfriend. This woman could just be a friend for all I know!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. In fact she was my friend actually."

"And now?" Mum asks with such anticipation you'd think I was about to give her the winning lotto numbers.

"Now she's..."

Gorgeous.

Wonderful.

The woman I think I'm falling in love with.

"...more."

"Well I am so happy, love. Honestly. And I can't wait to meet her. So next weekend, yeah?"

"Well I'll have to check but yeah probably. I'll let you know."

"Alright." Her tone turns more serious. "Listen, Eddie, Dad will be so happy to see you too."

I flinch. "It's really nice of you to say that, but I think we both know it isn't true."

"I wish...well I just wish you understood each other better."

"We're different, Mum."

"Not as much as you'd think."

I really hope that isn't true as I really don't wish to be like him at all.

"Well whatever. We'll see you, both of you I guess, then."

I pause swallowing down the sudden lump in my throat. "I miss you, you know?"

"I miss you too," she whispers and I decide to end the conversation before she starts crying. Or worse, I do.

Just before I hang up she stops me "Oh, Ed, wait. You didn't say, what's your girl's name?"

I grin. "Bella."

"Bella," she repeats the word and it sounds so familiar, like she has known it all along. It makes me feel warm.

Two hours later the buzzer goes and I practically fly to the door, excited to ask Bella about next weekend, but when I open it her expression is hard, upset.

I usher her inside and halfway into my arms. "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"

She pulls away from me and stares.

"You need to tell me the truth, right now."

Fear grips tightly around my chest. "The truth about what?"

"About you and Rosalie Hale."

A/N

Dun dun DUN! Sorry about the cliffy, dudes ;-)

Please let me hear your thoughts, I cherish every single review so much. And feel free to amble over to Facebook to chat (Amber's Pen), I basically live over there these days :-)

Thanks as always, A x