Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns these characters, I just like pretending half of them are English.

A/N (apologies in advance for the length of today's notes!)

Due to your generous voting a few weeks back The Search is now up for TLS Fic of the Month. If you can spare your vote, I'd really appreciate it. Link below (remove the spaces) but if that doesn't work just visit www. tehlemonadestand. blogspot. com and click on "Fic of the Month".

http:/ kwiksurveys. com?s=LODOFH_a26f809a

THANK YOU to the lovely dragonfly336 who has reviewed The Search on Indie Fic Pimp this week, this is a great blog and you guys should all check it out. By coincidence dragonfly336 also wrote one of my favourite angsty one-shots Downward Spiral - very dark but so beautiful.

Huge thanks to Trip for fixing my metaphors and everything else. And to dreamalittledream83 and ladyeire3 for pre-reading.

This chapter comes with a minor angst warning, be sure to put your seatbelts on.

EPOV

April 2003

"Are you sure about this, Ed?" My sister is using her serious face, which is pretty hard to take seriously with her new nose piercing distracting me. Dad is going to flip and I for one can't wait to see that.

"Why would you ask that?" I frown.

Alice purses her lips and speaks carefully.

"I just don't understand the rush. You're only 20 right? Most people aren't thinking about getting married for like another ten years!"

I look back down to the display of diamond rings in front of me. Alice is so annoying when she pretends to be all worldly wise, when in fact she's a year younger than me.

"Why do I have to do what most people do? It's quite simple, Sis; I love Tanya. I've loved her for the last three years and now I want to marry her."

Alice sighs and I try to hold my temper. I know she's just looking out for me but for fucks sake!

"I just want to make sure that is definitely the reason."

I snort. "Well it's obviously not the only reason I'm doing it right now."

Alice grabs my arm urgently. "That's what I'm talking about! You don't have to marry her just because she's pregnant. What decade do you think we're in?"

Embarrassed, I pull Alice away from the jewellery display and whisper hastily. "I know that, Dipshit. What part of "we love each other" wasn't clear?"

I drag my hand through my hair, it's gotten crazy long lately and it's a freakin' mess truth be told. I make a mental note to get it cut before Saturday night; Tanya likes it shorter.

I take a deep breath.

"Alice, please just be happy for me okay? For us."

I know my sister has never really warmed to Tanya but I'm sure it's just because they haven't really spent that much time together. Plus I guess they don't have that much in common. But I'm hoping things will change now, they have me in common, right? And I know Alice will be really excited when the baby comes.

"Ed, I am happy for you, I promise. I'm just...checking."

I throw my arm around her. "Well, there's no need to check because I'm fine and I'm really excited about all of it."

I grin and she reluctantly smiles back.

"Anyway, to be honest, I expected you to be a lot more enthusiastic about being an auntie!" I ruffle my hand over her spiky, purplish hair and she pushes me away, laughing.

"I am excited about that. Seriously. I'm already planning all the little outfits I'm going to get her!"

I roll my eyes. "Or him."

The truth is, when Tanya told me she was pregnant I did freak out for just a little while. I mean, I am only 20, and Tanya and I are just about to graduate. It wasn't exactly planned. But we're in a better position than some, right? It's not like we're in high school. After all the exams are finished I'll get as many hours as I can at a summer job and start researching proper jobs. Of course this would be simpler if I actually knew what I wanted to do but I'm not too worried, it will all work out. And once I get my results I can start applying for stuff.

We'll get our own little flat, I can move out of the shithole I share with Tyler, and it'll be great. It's basically what we were going to do anyway, just a couple of years earlier.

The best part about it is the baby is something that will connect Tanya and I forever and that's so awesome. Sometimes I still can't understand how I managed to snag such a beautiful, wonderful girlfriend but I'm just going to count my blessings and shut up. I get most excited when I imagine what the baby is going to look like, which features it will have of mine and which of hers. It's scary as fuck but now I've had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea, I can't wait. Tanya is excited too, but I think she's still a little scared and nervous, but that makes sense. She's probably just worried about us and what the plan is, she'll feel so much better once we're engaged.

I turn to Alice. "So, can we go back in there now, and you can help me pick out a totally wicked ring but that fits within the most meagre of budgets?"

Her smile still doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"Sure, come on."

Twenty minutes later we've picked a ring that I can afford but which is still good enough for Tanya.

"Okay, I'd better go." Alice says, leaning up to kiss my cheek. "Gotta help set up for this party tonight. You coming by later?"

"I'll try," I reply. "Depends what Tanya's doing."

"Of course it does," Alice mutters, rolling her eyes, before turning to go. "See you later, Bro."

"Bye."

I'm a few strides away when I hear Alice's tiny footsteps running back. I turn around and she suddenly wraps her arms around me in a tight hug.

"Be careful," she practically whispers into my chest.

I don't mind admitting I'm a little unnerved by this. My sister is the most positive, enthusiastic person on the planet but on the odd occasion she'll get something stuck in her mind and will become really weird about it.

"Hey, Ali," I gently peel her off of me and look at her. "What's going on? Be careful about what?"

"I just have one of my weird feelings, okay?"

My heart pounds a little faster, sometimes the vibes Alice picks up are staggeringly accurate. A cold fear slides into my chest.

"Is it about the baby?" I ask, eyes wide.

She quickly shakes her head. "No. No, I don't think so, more about you. And, um, Tanya."

I roll my eyes. "I promise you don't have to worry about that, we're solid. God, Ali, you're as bad as Tyler! He's so fucking suspicious of her, always warning me to be careful and stuff. She's never been anything but nice to him."

Although they do say smoking a fuckload of pot makes you paranoid, so maybe that's behind the suspicions of my hapless housemate/best friend.

Alice stares at me for a moment, looking like she wants to say more but then changes her mind.

"Okay. See you later then?"

I smile, bemused. "Yeah, maybe."

I watch her walk up the street, shaking my head. My sister is kind of mental, but I love her anyway.

As I'm putting my key in the door I'm collared by Mr Khan, our landlord and owner of the Indian takeaway below mine and Tyler's dingy flat.

"Oi, Eddie!"

What the fuck is it this time?

I turn to face him. "Yes?"

"Where is your rent? You promise it last week but nothing!" He throws up his hands. "You are now one month in arrears."

"Hold up, I've given you the rent. Well I gave it to Tyler to give you...fucks sake!"

Tyler. Jesus, I love the bloke but he is such an irresponsible little shit. I gave him my half of the rent on Monday but now I'm worried what the fuck has happened to it. Living with Tyler was fun at first; nothing but drinking and having a laugh getting mashed on some extremely impressive weed he always managed to score off his brother-in-law. Now it's a year later, the drugs are gone and he can't manage something as simple as paying the rent cheque.

Annoyed, I reassure Mr Khan that it's just a misunderstanding that I'll sort out straight away and angrily stomp upstairs. Inside I side-step the lager cans and pizza boxes in my hunt for my useless flatmate.

"Tyler!"

That's odd. That's Tanya's jacket over the back of the sofa. She must have left it last night. I chuck it in my room away from the smell of puff and potential lager spillage. Weird though, I could have sworn I remember her putting it on...

"Tyler, open up." I bang on his bedroom door, there is music playing but he's probably passed out.

...Yeah, because didn't she put her hands in the pocket and offer me some of the Chewits she found...?

I then hear some very distinct sounds coming from his room. Okay, not exactly sleeping then. Fuck it, I don't care if he does have a bird in there this needs to be sorted.

"Tyler, put your fucking dick away and tell me what the hell happened to my half of the rent!" I yell louder this time so he can hear me over the music.

The sounds stop and I hear a lot of panicked female whispering. I grin. Easy, girl, I'm not about to storm in and eye up your tits.

But there is something distinctly familiar about her voice. And now I hear Tyler scrambling around too and...

..Tanya definitely took her jacket home last night.

When I push open the door the first thing I see is Tanya's face.

Her face.

His voice.

Her jeans on the floor.

His bunched up grubby sheets.

The smell. The smell of sex.

I stumble away from the door and find the couch and it feels like maybe my brain has stopped working.

Because that can't be real. That wasn't real.

She's beside me and I can smell her; perfume and sweat and...sex.

Not with me. Not with me. Not with me.

She's talking I think but I'm not listening. She touches me and I flinch away on instinct. Her hands. Her hands were...

Then I hear his voice and something snaps.

I lift my head and he's looking at me with fear and pleading and fucking guilt all over his face.

"Ed, please mate, it's not what you think."

The cliché brings me back to reality.

I stand up and grab him. My best friend.

"It's not what I think? It's not what I think!"

I drag him, shove him, slam his head against the wall.

"Ed!" Tanya. Oh God, Tanya Tanya Tanya.

"You mean I didn't just walk in on you fucking my girlfriend. My pregnant girlfriend!"

His eyes are as wide as saucers and I realise this is news to him. And, oh Jesus, this is news to me too and she's pregnant but the baby...they were fucking and...

"Get the fuck out of here," I'm saying I think but I barely recognise my own voice. I can feel my hand on his throat. "Get the fuck out of here before I fucking kill you."

I watch as he scrambles out of the door but I notice the wide-eyed look he shoots Tanya and that look says everything. She's pregnant she's pregnant she's pregnant.

There's silence and I feel her move nearer to me but she doesn't touch me this time.

"Ed, look at me," she whispers. That voice. I always loved her voice. "Please let me explain, Baby."

Baby baby baby.

I make it to the bathroom just in time to throw up.

"How long, Tanya?" I've already asked her this question several times. She's avoiding it.

She's crying but I'm not. I'm numb.

"Please, Ed," she sobs. "It's not like you and me. It's nothing. He's nothing. Please listen to me."

I turn to face her but looking at her rips my heart in half so I look away again.

"I will listen when you answer one question; how long?"

"Ed, I love you. Please! You have to forgive me."

"You love me?" I can't control the shake in my voice. "You fucking love me? If you love me then why the fuck would you do this?"

The numbness is leaking away, but behind it all I can see is red hot pain so I try to grab it back. I chase after it. I want numb, just a little more numb.

She's sobbing now and it further enrages me. What right does she have to sob? She's destroyed us.

"I don't know," she whispers.

"For the last time, Tan, how fucking long?"

I finally manage to hold my eyes on hers. I loved her eyes, so beautiful, but now I hate them because they tell me everything I need to know.

Long enough.

"A few months," she finally whispers before another sob takes over.

Everything I wanted, my whole future, three fucking years is reduced to nothing. To just three words.

And all I can see in my mind is condoms. Packets and packets of them. I've been such an idiot.

"It's not mine," I whisper. I don't know if I'm relieved or not. I wanted that baby so much, I already loved it. But I wanted it with her and now I can't even look at her.

"It might be, Ed. It could be." She grabs hold of my arm, then my face, her eyes desperate. "We can fix this, Baby.. If you can forgive me, we can be a family. Like you wanted."

Like I wanted. Did she ever want that?

"It's not my baby, Tanya." The more I say it the more real it becomes.

"It could be!"

"NO!" I roar and I think it surprises us both.

"We used condoms, you stupid bitch!" She flinches at my words, I'm not sure I've ever called a woman that before. "Every. Fucking. Time!"

I've been a moron, a fool. I hate myself more than her. I love her. Oh God.

"They don't always work," she whispers and I think even she knows she's clutching at straws.

I try to keep my eyes hard, hold back my pain.

"Did you use them every time with him?"

Silence.

"Did you, Tan?"

She shakes her head and I know I have to get out of there.

At the door she grabs my sleeve, tries to pull me back but I shrug her off. I want nothing more than to hold her, feel her familiar arms around me and inhale her familiar scent. But I can't. She broke us.

"Ed, we could still make this work." Her voice is determined, a little frightening even.

"Tanya, why would you want to? Obviously, I'm not what you want. I mean, Jesus, what were you going to tell him? Don't you think he would have been a little concerned to find out you were fucking pregnant?"

I don't even know why I'm asking this or why I care, but I suddenly do.

"How could you do this, Tanya? Let me raise someone else's kid?"

But suddenly I know the answer. It's as clear as day and I feel sick again.

"Oh I get it. I'm the safer bet, eh? Good old Eddie, stick with him. I'm knocked up but he'll sort me out. He's got prospects, a future. What's the other guy got? Dirty sheets and a pot habit. You played the odds didn't you, Tan? And I was the better shot."

The look on her face tells me I'm right. And she knows it.

"I love you, Ed." She whispers.

"You don't." My own words stab me in the gut. "You would never have done this if you did."

And then I'm outside. I see Mr Khan opening the shop for the dinner session and I wonder how the fuck my life has changed so much in the last hour. I feel the small box in my pocket and have to stop, stagger, wondering if I'll heave again.

I need someone. I need Alice.

The party at Alice's is in full swing when I arrive. I stumble to her door and a couple of girls I don't recognise answer.

They giggle and try to usher me inside. I can't. I don't.

"Alice Cullen," I say, my voice breaking. "Please just get her for me."

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. The curtain of numb has drawn back and I feel like I'm falling into the abyss behind it.

My sister's face appears and the familiarity of it physically hurts. She takes one look at me before shutting the door behind her and pulling me outside.

"What's happened?" she whispers.

I manage one word. Tanya. Then I feel the brick of the wall behind me and then the floor as I slide down towards it. Ali is beside me, she's so little that she practically gets in my lap. She wraps her tiny arms around me and pulls my head against her chest, stroking my hair. She smells like the sea, like comfort and home.

It isn't until I feel the cold, damp of her top against my cheek that I realise those broken sobs are coming from me.

When I stop talking it takes me a moment to remember where I am. It's been a long time since I allowed myself to properly think about Tanya, about the details, and for a moment I was still on the floor outside Ali's Halls of Residence.

The one thing the draws me back, pulls me into the present, is the steady brown-eyed gaze in front of me.

Bella.

The sight of her is like a warm blanket covering every inch of me and keeping that night far away. Now I've finished telling my story the silence in my flat seems thick and heavy. I wait for Bella's reaction.

Eventually, she says, "What happened to the baby?"

I swallow down a shard of pain and it scraps across my dry throat like broken glass.

"She had an abortion." I manage, jaw tight. "Tyler wasn't ready for that kind of commitment and I certainly couldn't forgive her."

Bella nods, I notice her eyes are a little watery. She opens her mouth to speak but seems hesitant, I know already what she is going to say.

"And it definitely wasn't...yours?"

I know the odds. I know it was almost impossible. Yes, I'd been sleeping with Tanya at that time but we'd always used protection and she hadn't with Tyler so it had to be his. Yet all this time there has been this tiny sliver of doubt. That somehow the condom hadn't worked and that baby, the baby we washed our hands of, was mine. And that is the part that hurts too much to think about.

I shake my head, determined. "It couldn't have been."

Now that the floodgates are open I seem unable to stop the flow of secrets.

"I went with her to the clinic."

Bella looks surprised.

"You did?"

I nod. "Even Alice doesn't know that. Tanya was a mess. She called me all the time, begged me to forgive her. I even considered it for a while. She was all I'd ever known, the only relationship I'd ever had. I missed her. But what I missed was how things had been before, and when I looked at her afterwards it was clear I was never going to feel like that again."

I pause, remembering.

"Once the decision had been made she begged me to go with her. She said she had nobody else and I figured I owed our three-year relationship something. So I went. It was..." My breath catches and I take a deep breath. "It was horrible, and that was the last day I ever saw her."

"I'm so sorry, Edward," Bella whispers. The need to be closer to her, to feel her in my arms, is overwhelming, but her body language tells me she isn't sure about that. She asked me a question that I haven't yet answered.

I take a deep breath. "I know you asked me about Rosalie, not Tanya, but you need to know about Tanya first; she's a big part of who I've been the last eight years."

Bella watches me, cautious.

"I guess you're familiar with my reputation." I chuckle, bitterly.

"Yes," she says. "But I don't know how much is true and how much is office hearsay."

I grit my teeth. "Oh it's mostly true I should think."

As well as bringing me so much happiness, being with Bella also seems to have brought with it a lot of clarity. It's like I have been stumbling through life in a haze of denial and the price I pay for Bella is being forced to look at my behaviour with new eyes. I know I need to tell her, I need her to know all of me, but I'm so afraid that she'll end up rejecting me when she does.

"After Tanya and I split up I felt like a different person. I was so angry, ridiculously angry really. I mean, Christ, I'm not the first person who has ever been cheated on, am I? And not everyone reacts like I did."

I study my hands, ashamed. "Women became disposable to me. I used them. I went on dates just for sex and never called them again once I had what I wanted. I started a fling with a friend from Uni who I knew had been harbouring feelings for me, knowing I didn't and would never feel the same."

"I justified my actions by telling myself that all women were like Tanya anyway, that they deserved it. I was, for want of a more eloquent phrase, a total bastard."

I glance up at Bella and she holds my gaze. Her eyes are soft but her expression mainly unreadable.

"Tanya made a mistake, and I spent several years punishing other women for it."

She puts her hand on my arm. "Edward, I'm sure you weren't that bad-"

"I was," I interrupt. "Trust me. You know that guy that your girlfriends warn you about getting involved with because he's such an arse-hole? Yep, that was me."

I plough on.

"A few years ago Aro employed Rosalie. As I said, he paired us up hoping we would be a good fit. We kinda were, although we bickered like children. She took a very different approach to almost everything."

"She reminded me of Tanya, I suppose. She was strong, sassy and she loved to boss me around. I wasn't entirely honest in the pub, Bella, when I said Rose and I were friends. I'm not sure anyone could ever really refer to how we interacted as friendship, but we weren't just colleagues either. We were sleeping together...for a while."

I look at Bella and her face is not surprised so I assume this isn't news to her.

"How long is a while?" She asks and I'm relieved that her tone is curious rather than accusing. I know what happened before we met is no concern of hers but I'm worried she might be upset that I withheld this information.

I shrug, unsure to be honest. "About six months. We were single, I was bored. We both knew the score. She knew I wasn't relationship material and she was fine with that."

Bella shakes her head a little sadly. "I'm not sure she was fine."

Curiosity finally getting too much for me I ask, "Why are you asking about this today, anyway? What did Ange and Jess tell you?"

"They didn't tell me anything. Rosalie did."

"Rose was there?" I'm caught a little off guard; this is no fella's ideal scenario.

"Yeah," Bella says. "You came up. I kept quiet but I got the gist."

"Did you tell them about us?" I wonder.

"No, but I think Rosalie suspects. She was asking me about the night of the party, when you dragged me away from her. I tried to say as little as possible. She...well, she warned me."

I swallow. "She warned you against me?"

Bella nods. "What happened just before she left Volturi, Edward?" She asks softly.

"I honestly thought things were fine between us. Rose plays her cards very close to her chest. But then one night, the day before Valentine's Day, she was being a little weird."

I can remember the conversation quite clearly. We'd just had sex and everything was normal, well as normal as things ever can be in a dysfunctional situation like ours. She asked me what I was doing the next day and if I wanted to hang out after work.

I cringe a little when I think of my response: "To fuck you mean?"

For the first time I could ever remember I saw hurt flash across Rose's face.

"Or we could get dinner or something?"

I sneered a little I think, said something about how that wasn't what we were about and that Valentine's Day is a load of bollocks anyway. "We're not exactly hearts and flowers, are we?" I'd said, "More like condoms and conference folders!"

I'd laughed and the instant I did Rose drew her guard back up. A small part of me had wondered, had thought maybe this thing between us wasn't quite so casual for her but the real shame of it is I didn't really care. I was numb to it.

I turn back to Bella, shame coursing through me as the realisation of how I had really made that girl feel dawns on me.

"I guess, maybe, she had feelings for me. I made it quite clear that I didn't. We parted ways as normal and the next morning I get to the office and realise she isn't there. I was massively pissed off as we were due to do a presentation together. Aro calls me in and tells me Rose resigned, and wasn't going to work her notice."

Bella frowns. "So the stuff you said about her making a play for your clients, that wasn't true?"

"No that was totally true, and I was so fucking angry, I still am. But I guess the reasons behind it are only just becoming clear to me."

I drag my hand through my hair, assaulted by memories of every glib and cold remark I'd made to Rosalie. Every time I probably made her feel cheap. She's a good girl, and I treated her the way I wanted to treat Tanya.

"She was in love with you, I think." Bella whispers.

I shrug sadly, admitting "I don't know. Maybe."

I hold Bella's gaze, desperate to know what she is thinking.

"Are you disgusted with me?"

She bites her lip, shakes her head. "No. No, I'm just confused."

She stares at me. "I mean, what am I, Edward? Am I just a co-worker with benefits too? Did you and Rosalie sneak off to the Comms Room together as well?"

I grab both her hands in mine, dragging us closer.

"Baby, no. I promise it is not like that. You must know that by now."

I notice tears welling in her eyes. I hate that her insecurities have been brought to the surface by my past when I swore I would protect her.

"Listen to me. Since Rose I've kept everything even more casual. My feelings about relationships hadn't changed but I knew I didn't want to hurt anyone again."

I cup her face in mine, brush the single tear rolling down her cheek with my thumb.

"I was just coasting through life. Until I met you, Bella. You're, God you're everything. I've never felt this way before in my life! Please believe me, Sweetheart. You believe that, don't you?"

We stay with our eyes locked for the longest of moments, before she finally breathes "Yes."

I kiss her, gently at first, but that fire in us quickly escalates and I'm hungrier and hungrier for her in a way that I have never been before, even with Tanya, and how I'm realising I could never be with anyone else.

She pulls back and her expression is still so sad. "It's just, fuck Edward that's an awful lot of women who have given you more than I can give you."

"Hey, no," I practically growl, resting my forehead against hers and tightening my arms around her. "When will you realise, Bella? You've given me more than any of those other girls could dream of giving me. You've given me myself back. I'm never going to be the person I was with Tanya ever again, and I don't want to be. That guy was weak and naive and pathetic. But I don't want to be the bastard who hurt Rosalie Hale either. You've shown me a better part of myself, Baby. You have to know that."

She nods slowly, kisses me.

Say it, Cullen.

Say those words that are burning a hole in the pocket of your heart.

But still I can't. Instead, I hold her so closely, this girl who is bringing me back to life.

"You're my second chance, Bella."

She snuggles closer. "You're mine, too," she whispers. "You're mine."

A/N

Lots of hating on Rosalie last week but things aren't always what they seem - what are your thoughts now?

A lot of Ed and Ali's sibling relationship is based on me and my brother. During my late teens I came home after breaking up with my boyfriend, sat on the edge of the sofa and promptly burst into tears. My lil' bro put down his gaming controller for the first time in about a month, wrapped his skinny 15yo arms around me and just silently cuddled me for about half an hour. And then made me a sandwich. It's ten years later and he still gives awesome hugs :-)

Lastly, can I rec a little? Thanks to Soph Drea I have discovered an awesome D/s story this week called Collared by irishchicka1 - Bella and Edward are cops who go undercover to infiltrate the local BDSM community. It's entertaining, funny and includes some of the hottest lemons I've read in a while, you won't regret it.

Thank you so much for your support, and I'll see you in a fortnight when Britward wants to take you on a little field trip...

Amber x