A/N
Hi guys! I'm glad everyone enjoyed the last chapter, thank you so much for your lovely reviews. And welcome to all the new readers - thank you for giving my story a go. Thank you to Trip for everything, including research into the location of sex therapy clinics! And to Lady V & Heather for keeping my Yank...well, Yankish.
For those of you expecting EPOV, many apologies as I got all confused and told a bit of a porky* last time. However, he IS back next chapter.
MINOR ANGST WARNING: grab yourself some chocolate, a cozy blanket or a loved one before proceeding.
*porky = porky pie, lie (Cockney Rhyming Slang)
BPOV
The air is cold and getting colder by the minute, winter is definitely upon us and the chill bites hard against my skin.
Jake is practically dragging me through the almost deserted streets of Port Angeles. He holds my hand in his but it feels more like a shackle.
I look up at him, his jaw set, his eyes black. I used to think him so handsome, so caring. I long for the sweet, happy boy who made mud pies with me and helped my dad carry groceries, but he has almost disappeared these days. This bitter man is left in his place.
He looks a little ill, and a lot agitated; he hasn't had a drink today. I made him promise never to turn up to therapy drunk after that first time. So far he has kept his promise but now he is twitchy, needy and pissed. He hasn't spoken a single word since we left the session. Our last, not because we're fixed but because we're broke. When the play on words hits me I almost giggle out loud but stop myself just in time. Jake is mad enough and I'm a little hysterical inside I think, if I try to laugh I'm almost certain it will manifest as a cry instead.
We reach the truck and even though it's mine Jake throws himself into the driver's seat without question. He drives when we're together, it's non-negotiable. He likes to be in control. Which is ironic because after drinking there is nothing controlled about him at all.
He doesn't start the truck, just stares blankly out of the windshield, gripping the wheel tightly.
Finally, when I feel I might go insane waiting, he speaks.
"Well that was a fucking waste of time." His tone is hard and bitter and I feel it all the way to my bones.
"I...I don't know," I stutter. "It may have helped a little." I take a deep breath. "Maybe if we try some of the exercises she mentioned-"
He turns to me, black eyes blazing. "You think we haven't tried enough, Bells!"
I shrink a little further into my seat. "No I know we have...a little. But you know how she said we have to persevere? Maybe schedule our own sessions and-"
"Scheduling fucking sex?" he rages. "It's ridiculous. And I didn't like some of the things that bitch was insinuating either - that this situation is my responsibility too. Like it was my fault you have this...this condition."
He spits the word angrily and I know he wants to say "problem" but Irina, our therapist, has told him not to refer to it in that way.
A voice inside warns me to keep quiet, not to challenge him but I have things I want to say. A lot of what Irina said makes sense, to me at least. But Jake always runs out of patience.
Trying for a different tack I reach over and take his hand, stroking it gently. He looks at me and his gaze softens a little.
"Please, Jake," I beg softly. "Let's just try the things she said. I want this to work just as much as you do."
He snorts, rolls his eyes. "Yeah I'm not sure I believe that."
But when he sees my crushed expression the anger subsides and he pulls me close, holding me in his giant embrace and making me feel tiny the way he always does.
"I'm sorry, honey," he whispers. "I know you want this too. I'm just...I just want us to be normal, you know? I wish we saw some progress or something? I'm...frustrated."
Desperate for a drink is what he is but I say nothing. I always say nothing.
He puts a kiss on the top of my head and pulls back starting the truck.
"Come on, let's get the fuck out of here."
When we get home I long for him to come inside with me, to talk some more. It's hard to find a moment to speak rationally with Jake and I want to capitalise on that.
But I know he won't be spending time with me tonight. He has other priorities, more interesting options than me.
"Will you come inside?" I ask hopefully; he is already heading to his own car.
He doesn't even pause to consider.
"Sorry, Bells, the boys are expecting me. And I really need a drink after all that talking bullshit."
His trembling hands are testament to that.
"Okay," I whisper. "Be safe."
He offers me a small smile, and dashes back to offer another kiss on the head. I wish he would just hold me some more.
"Later, honey," he says, before disappearing up the path and into the fading light.
Edward's voice cuts through my drifting thoughts, so different from Jake's in every possible way.
I smile at him where he sits beside me on the plastic chairs. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I said, are you sure you don't want me to come in there with you?" He looks concerned for me. His face has been etched with worry all morning.
When we returned to London, after a decidedly awkward goodbye with Carlisle, I registered with the same General Practice as Edward, and made an appointment with a doctor. After I explained the situation he referred me to a psychosexual therapy clinic in Marylebone. I'm a little uncomfortable with its close proximity to the office but Edward says this one has the best therapists and the best reputation. How somewhere like this can even have a reputation is beyond me. Why would anyone ashamed enough to have to come here then decide to talk about it?
I squeeze Edward's hand and try to force my lips from a grimace to a smile.
"Yes, I'm sure," I tell him quietly. "I need to do this by myself."
Edward looks sceptical. "Yes, but the doctor said that we should treat it more as a relationship counselling session, you know, form a bit of a united front."
"We're not fighting a war, Edward!" I try to laugh but it gets caught in my throat. It has actually always felt a little like a battle to me.
Edward brushes a piece of hair back from my face. "You know what I mean, Baby. I want to support you, every step."
The sincerity in his eyes makes my breath catch and my eyes sting. He always manages to look at me in a way that Jake never did, a way that makes me feel breathless and aroused at the same time as comfortable and safe.
Inappropriate though it might be for a sex clinic waiting room, I reach my arms around his neck and pull myself close for a hug. He wraps his arms tightly around me and I breath in his fresh linen and pine scent, it calms my frayed nerves a little.
"You are supporting me," I whisper into his neck. "I just want to do this first session alone, okay?
And I'll talk to her about whether I should bring you along next time. It's just she will probably want to know all about my past and..."
Edward pulls back to stare at me, a frown creasing his forehead.
"Are you trying to protect me?"
Shit. Yes.
"No, of course not," I lie. "I just need to do this for myself, okay? Just this first time."
In truth I don't want Edward to have to hear all about Jake and Forks again.
He looks suspicious and his frown is still in place.
"Okay," he says, slowly. "It's your choice, Baby, but I'll be waiting right here if you change your mind."
"You're going to wait here, for an hour?" I eye the plastic chairs, fluorescent lighting and general air of misery.
Edward shrugs. "Yeah. Why not?"
"But you shouldn't have to hang around here, be associated with this...place."
"Jesus Christ, Bella!" he exclaims a little too loudly, capturing the attention of a couple of the other people waiting.
He glances around and hastily lowers his voice, takes my face gently in his hands. "When are you going to realise you aren't alone in this? When are you going to allow me to be a part of it?"
I swallow hard. "Why should you have to be a part of it? Why should I be dragging you into this?"
His green eyes are clear and determined and hold me locked in place. "Because I'm a part of you and you're a part of me. And whatever happens, happens to both of us, okay?"
I nod, not trusting my voice.
"I love you," he whispers. "I never want to be without you. And that means I've signed up for good times and bad, right?"
I feel so undeserving of him.
"I love you, too," is all I say.
He kisses my forehead gently just as a voice calls out.
"Bella Swan."
I turn my head to see a red haired woman with a kind face smiling from one of the doorways.
"Yes," I say, turning back to Edward to offer him one small smile that he returns.
"I ain't going anywhere, Bella," he winks, and I don't think he is talking just about today.
The only similarities Maggie Doyle shares with Irina are being female and a sex therapist. Irina was middle aged and quite straight laced. Although I valued her advice a lot more than Jake did she always had a fairly stern demeanour and reminded me a little of a schoolteacher.
Maggie is barely older than me, dressed very casually in jeans and a tank top and with one of those kind, open faces that you feel compelled to share all your secrets with. I wonder if they teach you something in therapy training about how to appear utterly trustworthy? Because I'm betting Maggie aced that class.
"Take a seat please, Bella." She smiles warmly and gestures towards one of the plush armchairs; she takes the other. On the small table between us there are two glasses of water, and a large box of tissues. I can't keep my eyes off of them, wondering if they order them in bulk and keep a huge stash out back. I'd imagine there are plenty of tears shed in here.
"Bella?" Maggie looks at me a little concerned now, I realise I'm still hovering slightly above the chair, eyes fixed on the tissue box.
I look up and offer a small smile. "Sorry," I murmur, sitting down and taking a steadying breath.
"Try to relax. The first part of today's session we will discuss a little of your history, and any treatments you have already tried, and then we can decide how to get the most from our time together going forward." She has a soft, lilting Irish accent that is very comforting. Maybe she aced the class on tone of voice too.
She glances down at the notebook in her lap.
"Now I understand you were referred from your GP for primary vaginismus, yes?"
I nod.
"And I assume he also gave you a physical exam?"
I cringe, instantly transported back to the day I lay tense and terrified on the doctor's examination table while he attempted an internal exam.
"Yes," I shiver.
"Have you sought counselling for this condition previously?"
"Yes, about a year ago, back in Washington. With my...husband."
"I see," she says, making a brief note. "And your husband? The gentleman in the waiting room?"
I blush hotly. "Um, no. That's my...boyfriend, Edward. I'm in the middle of divorce proceedings."
Maggie just nods calmly as if she hasn't heard anything out of the ordinary, which I suppose she hasn't, people divorce and start new relationships all the time. So why do I feel so uncomfortable?
She continues. "And Edward, he obviously knows you are seeking counselling, is he supportive of that?"
I can't help the smile that slips onto my face. "Yes, very much. He's been great about it."
"Excellent." Maggie says. "In that case, what I suggest we do is begin with a couple of sessions just the two of us where we can talk about your sexual history, first experiences etc. And then involve Edward in a few sessions time so you can begin talking about this process together and dealing the various tasks I give you to try."
I nod again. This is fairly familiar to me, Irina said the same. Jake insisted on joint sessions though, and I remember agreeing, not wanting to exclude or upset him. I thought he was being supportive but I realise now how much he controlled our therapy.
"That sounds good, thank you."
Maggie makes more notes and then settles back a little in her chair. I feel frozen to the edge of mine.
"Okay then, let's get started."
At those words I have strong urge to flee the room but the thought of the gorgeous, patient man outside, and all I want to share with him holds me tightly to the chair.
When I emerge an hour later, Edward reminds me of Jake for the very first time. It's the hopeful expression on his face, the reassuring but unashamedly optimistic smile. The deep belief that the person behind that door possesses the magical power to heal everything in me that is broken.
Edward smiles that smile and pulls me into a one-armed hug before guiding me outside. He doesn't speak until we're walking along to the subway.
"So, how'd it go?"
I study the sidewalk, and focus on the feeling of his warm skin where he holds my hand and comfortingly strokes with his thumb. I focus on the simple contact that anchors me, grounds me.
After revisiting my past with Maggie, Edward's touch is the only thing that stops my mind from simply drifting back to Forks on a wave of anxiety. I usually don't like to hold hands if we're out in the West End on the off chance we run into someone from Volturi, but today I couldn't care less. I need him.
"It was okay." I tell him. What more does he want me to say? I spent an hour coming to the realisation that I allowed my husband to control me for many years, that I was weak and stupid.
Edward doesn't want to let this go though and I don't know if that makes me feel irritated or supported.
"So what's the plan then?" he asks. "When's the next session?"
"Next week."
He hesitates, glances at me. "And when do you want me to come with you?"
"She says we're just going to have a few sessions, she and I, to discuss the past and possible...trigger points for how the vaginismus came about."
It was impossible to go into any depth about this last time, with Jake sitting right there. And, as much as I don't really want to relive the pain of our wedding night, I know it's desperately important. This time I want to do everything right. Aside from what caused the vaginismus in the first place, I know I need to be completely honest with Maggie about what happened with Jake after we broke up too, and this part is what I desperately want to protect Edward from hearing about. The mere idea of discussing Jake's...attack turns my blood to ice. It takes everything I have, every single day, not to think about it. Jake banging his fist on the door before pushing his way inside. Drunk, angrier than I've ever seen him but also desperate; professing his love for me, telling me how sorry he was. The feeling of his arms around me, pushing me back roughly onto the couch. The moment when I realised we were alone and he was so much stronger than me...
"Bella?"
I realise I've stopped walking and Edward is looking down at me, anxious.
"Sorry I was just...remembering."
He nods, swallows, and I have no doubt he knows exactly what I'm thinking about. I can't let him hear the explicit details, I can't. What we have is so wonderful, no way am I going to let what Jake did tarnish it.
I steady my breathing, and try to speak more assuredly. "In a few weeks. You can be there in a few weeks when we start talking about how we can fix this and stuff." I meet his gaze. "Okay?"
"That's fine, Baby, whatever you need. But if you want me there when you talk about...what happened then that's fine too."
"I don't, okay! I don't want you to hear about that!" I fight back the tears that threaten to spill over.
"Okay, okay," Edward says soothingly, before tentatively pulling me into his arms. "That's fine, Baby. Totally fine." I listen to his murmuring voice and try to get control of my emotions. I don't know why I'm getting so irritated now, I was actually fairly calm when talking to Maggie.
By the time we reach my apartment I feel a lot better, calmer. I receive a text from Emmett and that makes my heart a little lighter. We have arranged for him to visit me and he is arriving tomorrow morning. It will be so good to talk to him in the flesh again, get enveloped in one of his bear hugs. So much has happened since I arrived in England and I'm desperate to share it all with him.
"Text from Emmett?" Edward smiles, shrugging off his jacket once we're inside.
"How do you know that?"
He shrugs. "You always get the same look on your face when you hear from him." His smile is marred by the hint of a frown.
"Still makes me a little jealous you know?"
I stand on tiptoes and kiss him quickly. "Ah, but you don't see how my face looks when I get a text from you, do you?" I tease.
He chuckles. "Nope, guess I don't."
I'm relieved that the atmosphere is a little lighter now between us.
"Tea?" I ask him.
"Coffee today please."
I feign a shocked look and he rolls his eyes saying, "I'll do it."
I love watching him make himself at home in my kitchen. I guess we have moved a little fast but I can't find it in myself to care.
While Edward sorts our drinks I look through my mail. Nothing exciting, until I see an envelope bearing my attorney's logo. My heart is instantly pounding.
Fingers shaking slightly I open it and scan the contents. Fuck fuck fuck-
"Fuck!"
Edward looks up, alarmed. "What's up?"
I rest back against the counter, steadying myself.
"How can he do this?" I mutter, fury beginning to build in my stomach.
"Do what?"
I hand Edward the letter, my hand shaking a little. "It's Jake." I tell him. "He contesting the divorce."
"He's what?" I watch as Edward hurriedly scans the letter, his jaw clenched.
He throws it back down on the counter. "This is fucking ridiculous. How is this possible? There are no kids, hardly any assets, how can he contest?"
I shake my head, trying to hold back tears for what feels like the millionth time today. "He's just trying to delay it." I tell Edward sadly. "You're right, there are no grounds and he won't be able to prevent the inevitable but this is just a game, a last try. He thinks if he buys more time I'll hear him out."
I know Jake better than anyone and I know how his mind works. He never lets go of things easily; anger, grudges and apparently me.
"Who's your solicitor?" Edward asks, pacing. "This is total bollocks. I'll get you a new one, a better one."
"That will make no difference, Edward! And if anything it will string things out longer. And my lawyer is fine." I actually have no idea if my lawyer is fine but he is all I can afford.
Edward takes a deep breath, I watch him struggle with his temper. "I just want you free of him." He eventually whispers.
"I know. So do I."
An unpleasant thought enters my head. "Shit! This is all my fault!"
"How do you work that out?"
I meet Edward's gaze. "The phone call the other week, when you spoke to him. I never called him back, didn't see any reason to get into all of that. But now I really wish I had, I could have tried to convince him, made him see some kind of sense. Made him see that we are one hundred per cent over."
Edward looks sceptical. "Bella, I really wouldn't beat yourself up over that. Would it have made any difference? From what you've said, this bastard doesn't think rationally."
"I guess not. God, what the hell is he thinking? Does he really think that I'm going to take him back? After everything? I put an ocean between us, for fuck's sake!"
"I know," Edward says sadly, pulling me into his arms. "It will go through eventually, right?"
"Yes," I reply. "I just hate being tied to him any longer than necessary."
"So do I, Sweetheart." He grins a little wryly. "I want you free, so you are truly mine."
I smile back, and breathe deeply. "I will be. I'll call my lawyer later, find out what the plan is."
Edward hands me my drink and we collapse on the couch. This already feels like a really long day.
"Are you sure you want to go tonight?" Edward asks. Tonight is Angela's birthday party, Rose and I have booked a section at a cocktail bar in Soho. To be honest I'm looking forward to it, hoping it can take my mind off all of this.
"Yes, I want to."
"Are you sure? I mean, after the session this morning and now this letter, would you not rather just relax?"
"Is this because Rosalie is going?"
He looks taken aback. "No! I'm just concerned that's all."
Suddenly all my irritation from earlier is back.
"I'm going, Edward. I want to go. You can't tell me what to do."
Shit, where did that come from?
Hurt flashes across his face and I instantly feel guilty but it's too late to take back my words.
Deep down I know Edward is the last person I should be lashing out at but my emotions are so up and down today I'm scared what will come out of my mouth next.
He speaks quietly. "I know that, Bella. And I would never try to."
"Okay." I nod, slowly. "Sorry. I think all this Jake stuff is messing with my head."
"I'm sure." Edward agrees sadly. Brightening his tone his asks, "So what do you wanna do this afternoon? Before you have to start getting ready and that."
I suddenly feel exhausted. I usually want nothing more than to spend time with Edward but with the weird mood I'm in today I just feel like I want to be alone, better that than I yell at him anymore.
I bite my lip. "Um, do you think it would be okay if I just hung out on my own for a bit?"
"Of course," he replies, trying to hide his disappointment and putting his jacket back on.
"Have fun tonight. Text me when you get in?"
I nod, smile.
At the door he envelops me in his arms and I hug him tighter and longer than usual, just breathing in his scent and enjoying the moment of silence. He holds me close until I pull away, then he drops two soft, slow kisses on my mouth. "See ya, Baby," he whispers and walks out the door.
After a short nap, a long soak in the bath and some fresh clothes I feel a little better. The worry about future therapy sessions and Jake's contesting of the divorce still linger around my head like a black cloud but the anger and irritation has dissipated at least. I'm hoping a night of drinking and dancing with my new friends will help to keep the dark thoughts at bay.
The bar is already fairly busy when I arrive at eight o'clock.
"Bella!" Angela throws her arms around me the moment I step in the door, already quite clearly a little tipsy. "Rose told me you helped her with the decorations and booking and stuff. Thank you so much!" Her eyes are bright and carefree and her mood is a little contagious.
"Come meet the rest of my friends," she continues, leading me to the section we booked. Introductions are made and I do my best to appear more confident and less shy. If I'm going to be happy living abroad then I'm going to need to make friends outside of Edward.
Rosalie stands up to greet me with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks. She looks stunning as always in a knee length purple satin dress and her perfectly styled, long blonde hair.
"Drink?" she says, giving me a big, genuine smile.
"Sure," I smile back, and try to relax. She pours me a glass of champagne from the bottle she has resting in a bucket on the table. I sit down next to her while the many conversations start back up again.
"So you had a good day?"
Sure, Rosalie. First I met with a therapist who's going to help me have sex with your ex and then I got home to find out that my psycho ex-husband won't grant me a divorce.
"Sure, it was fine. I went shopping."
As the evening continues and I consume more and more of the delicious champagne, the urge to confide in Rose gets stronger and stronger. We get along so well, we always have a lot to talk about and I don't feel shy around her. She has made several hints about her first serious relationship, some asshole named Royce, and I get the impression it wasn't a healthy one. I don't know what it is but I just feel like she would...understand.
Plus I'm almost certain she knows about Edward and I anyway. At one point, a friend of Angela's whose name I have forgotten in a sea of champagne, flavoured vodka shots and loud music, asks me if I left a man back in America. I admit that I'm divorced but don't divulge any more than that. Then she asks if I have my eye on anyone here and I can see Rosalie watching me out of the corner of her eye, a gentle smile on her lips.
Thankfully, we're interrupted when the vodka shot girl arrives at the table to offer us another round of brightly coloured test tubes of liquor and everyone cheers and practically tackle her.
At some point we wind up on the dance floor, not somewhere I usually feel particularly comfortable but tonight everything feels fluid and shiny and the music is so good! When my feet ache and I'm thirsty I go back to our table and collapse next to Rose, half on top of her really. She laughs and helps me into my own seat.
"You all right?" she grins.
"Yep!" I reply, reaching for my drink. Drink is good.
"Rosalie Hale!" Suddenly, a beautiful brunette is standing over us and Rose leaps up to kiss both her cheeks.
I catch her say "What are you doing here?" but the rest of their conversation is drowned out by the music. I close my eyes and rest my head back on the cushioned booth seat; it's really, really soft...
"Hey, Bella," Rose says. "Come meet Kim." She pulls me to my feet and I stumble a little before grinning at the stranger. "Hey!"
"Bella, this is Kimberly. She 's a client of mine at Knox. Kim this is Bella Swan, she works at Volturi, Ed Cullen's assistant. You know Ed, right?"
Kim turns to me, holding out her hand, eyes twinkling. "Hi Bella," and then to both of us. "And yes I definitely know Eddie."
She's clearly a little drunk herself and her lips smirk when she says Edward's name. My blood pumps a little faster.
"So how's he doing these days?" She asks me, in a conspiratorial tone, clinging onto my arm looking like she may fall over.
I swallow, and try to find my voice. I have a bad feeling about this. "Yes, he's good."
"Not bad to look at, eh?" She continues, again smirking a little. Something feels weird here and I'm desperately trying to work out if this woman is a past flame of my boyfriend's, or just someone who wishes she was. Please be the latter, please be the latter.
I smile, politely. "Yeah he's definitely attractive." I reply.
"Hey, Bella," Kim says, close to my ear and slurring a little. "Can you give him a message from me?"
I nod, my heart racing.
"Tell him thanks and that next time," she lowers her voice to a stage whisper. "He doesn't have to sneak out without saying goodbye."
She pulls back, laughing to herself. I feel sick. Rose is giving Kim an awkward smile and I try to stop the room from spinning. I realise, with horrifying clarity, that I'm standing between two gorgeous women, both of whom have fucked my boyfriend when I haven't. When I can't. For a horrible second I wonder if I'm going to puke but then I remember to breathe and drag in a lungful of air. I smile, try to laugh along with Kim, ignore Rose's curious stare.
"I'll pass that on," I tell her. "Excuse me a moment."
I stumble away, grinding to a stand still somewhere between the bathroom and the bar. The misery of today's events hits me full in the stomach. I'm fucked up. A fucked up, frigid freak who made her husband utterly miserable but also messed so much with his self-esteem that he can't let me go. A masochistic freak who crossed an ocean to start afresh and then began a relationship with a man who has fucked half of London.
I realise I have two choices for how to deal with this. I could hide in the bathroom till I can breathe properly again and then sneak home to sob into my pillow like the sexually dysfunctional loser that I am. Or I can go to the bar and try to salvage the evening.
This time, the bar wins.
Rose looks a little concerned when I arrive back at the table.
"Are you okay?"
"Yup!" I throw myself back into the booth, spilling a little of the vodka out of the test tubes in my hands. I hand one to Rose.
"More?" she frowns.
"Why the fuck not!" I hear myself say in a slightly hysterical voice that I barely recognise. I have a brief image of Jake, slurring and stumbling around the living room, holding a shot glass but I quickly push it to the back of mind.
She brings the glass reluctantly to her mouth.
"Wait wait wait! We need a toast, Rosie!"
"We do?" She asks with a wry smile.
"Yes," I hold my finger up while I think. My mind doesn't seem able to move as quickly as it usually does. Then it strikes me, the memory of the last time I toasted a shot in Soho. I feel my face twist into an ironic grin. Perfect.
"To the truth!" I almost yell.
I don't look at Rosalie and just knock back my shot. I can barely even taste it.
Afterwards, I lean in close to her ear.
"There's something I need to tell you, Rose." I whisper.
"O-kay." She looks a little uncomfortable but I ignore it and plough on.
"You are my friend, yes?"
"Of course, Bella."
"And friends are supposed to be honest with each other."
Rose nods, eyeing me carefully.
"Then you should know that I'm..." I pause, suddenly stumped as to how to phrase this. A part of me wants to say "I'm fucking Edward." It's a horrible way of putting it but they fucked him and I want to make it clear that he's one hundred per cent mine now. But if I say that it will technically be another lie. In the end I settle for simplicity.
"I'm with Edward."
Rose says nothing.
"Me. Edward Cullen is my boyfriend."
Oh god, why am I saying this? I sound like a school kid. A part of me is floating above us, pointing downwards and laughing.
I finally sneak a glance at Rosalie. She is nodding, smiling, not at all surprised but I do see concern and the tiniest bit of pity in her eyes.
"I know, Bella," she says.
"I knew it! I knew you already knew!" I lean closer to her. "So how did you know?"
"Well I didn't know as such but I strongly suspected." She laughs a little. "You can't lie for shit, Bella. And neither can he I guess. His face at the bar that time said it all, I've never seen him look so possessive before."
She looks a little sad and I'm suddenly hit by how awkward this is. Were I sober I'm fairly certain I'd be horrified by now but as it is I just feel sleepy and a little sick and bizarrely like I want to hug Rose.
Rose looks at me a bit more intently, determined.
"The thing is though, is everything okay with him? I mean you're calling him your boyfriend but the Ed I used to know didn't do any kind of commitment."
Even drunk, I don't miss the grimace that crosses her face.
I nod, feel quieter now, and a little stupid.
"Oh he's definitely committed," I murmur. The poor guy, I think miserably.
"He is?" Rose looks more curious than hurt I'm relieved to note.
"Yeah...he...we're in love."
Might as well put it all out there.
Now Rose looks positively shocked.
"He told you he loves you?" She whispers eventually, awed.
I nod.
"Bloody hell." She mutters. "That's a turn up for the books."
"Yep," I whisper.
She sighs. "Okay I have to ask something then. If you're in love with a hot bloke and he loves you back then why are you being a completely miserable drunk tonight?"
I frown. "I'm not."
"Sweetie, you are. I'm kinda worried about you."
I'm so tempted to tell her everything but I'm not so drunk not to realise that I can't. Getting drunk and spilling mine and Edward's secrets would make me just as bad as Jake.
I close my eyes, and rest my head back. "Just a bad day," I mutter.
I must drift off to sleep for a minute because the next thing I know Rose is shaking me a little.
"Come on, I think it's time we got you home."
"Yes," I mumble, thinking of Seattle. "Emmett is at home. I miss Emmett."
"Not that home, babe." Rose says with a sigh, helping me to my feet. I open my eyes but everything is so blurry.
"I miss Daddy too," I tell her.
Both the Rosalies in front of me smile sadly. "I know."
She links my arm through hers and begins pulling us towards what I assume is the exit, the direction is a little difficult to decipher.
"I'm not sure you should go home alone like this. Do you want me to stay with you?"
I shake my head. "Edward."
"You want to go to Edward's?"
I nod, several times, I can't seem to stop my head bobbing.
"Eclipse Crescent, right? In Camden."
I feel nauseous again. Well of course she knows where he lives. She knows everything; his street, his bed, how it feels to have him moving inside her.
"I can get myself home, actually!" I yank my arm away and begin stumbling through the crowd,
Rose is calling and coming after me but I move fast, pushing people aside.
Once I'm outside I drag in huge lungfuls of air and continue to walk quickly in what I think is the direction of the station. Oh why is Soho so fucking confusing? A grid of little side streets and every one looks the same right now. I take off in the direction I think leads to Oxford Street and the subway.
"SHIT!" Suddenly something hits me square in the face. Hard. I blink a few times, stumbling backwards. I try to clear my blurred vision and just make out the lamppost right in front of me. Jesus! Did I just walk into that?
My head is pounding and I feel even more sick. I grab hold of the post to try to steady myself. I breathe deeply, trying to see straight but my vision is tunnelled. All I can see are the images floating in the front on my mind - Edward, Rosalie, Kim, Emmett, Dad, Jake, Maggie...
My hearing becomes muffled, the tunnel gets smaller and the ground flips up to hit the side of my face. I close my eyes and feel strangely relieved when the darkness slips over me.
A/N
So...you trust me, don't you? ;-)
A couple of things. GP = General Practitioner, a general doctor in the UK, with no particular specialism who you can go to intitially with any problem.
I've played a little fast and loose with Washington divorce law here - from my research it seems you can contest a divorce the way Jacob is but he'd have to have done it a few months earlier. So I apologise to any divorce lawyers who may be reading for that abuse of artistic license.
Finally, last week I read MarLea Pie's Feisty in Four Inch Heels - it's soooooooo much fun and very well-written. I would love for you to check it out :-)
Reviews make me very happy, thank you.
Amber x