Disclaimer - SM owns Twilight but Britward is all mine (and bornonhalloween's on certain weekends...)
A/N
Seriously, guys? 130 reviews for the last chapter, absolutely amazing! I can't thank you enough, your comments and encouragement keep me really focused. And...I never thought I'd ever say this in this fandom BUT a LOT of love for Aro last chapter! I'm really glad you like the cocky, soft-hearted old pervert ;-)
Thank you to Trip as always for the (literally!) hours she dedicates to helping me, and to my goregous pre-readers for their skills and the love they show this story.
BPOV
Squeeze...flex...squeeze...flex...squeeze.
I suddenly feel soft lips against mine and hear a low, deep voice in my ear. "Are you asleep?"
I smile, opening my eyes to see Edward's gorgeous, rumpled face.
"No. I'm doing my Kegel exercises."
He lets out a playful growl and kisses me deeply, half covering me with his body.
"Hot," he murmurs, running his mouth along my collarbone.
I chuckle. "Seriously, baby, only you can find pelvic floor exercises a turn on."
"I find everything about you a turn on. Especially everything related to...homework."
"You've changed your tune. Maggie's name was mud a few weeks ago."
He keeps his face buried in my neck, moves his hand over my breast and my breath catches.
"Yes, well, that was then," he says, sucking on the skin behind my ear. "This is now."
This is now. Now is three joint therapy sessions later, three homework tasks successfully completed. Now is 15 minutes since Edward last made me come, with his tongue, with his fingers.
With something else.
"Jesus, it is not okay that I'm so turned on by these now," he half-groans, grabbing the dilator he earlier tossed on my nightstand, abandoned in favour of his fingers. Thrusting to a place no one had ever reached before, they gave me an orgasm different to any I've ever experienced; one that was more intense that any time previously and that left me coming so hard, a few desperate tears slipped from my eyes.
After completing Maggie's initial tasks she suggested we try dilators. There are four in total, of graduating sizes from slightly wider than a finger to the size of the "average penis", according to Maggie. All I know is that Edward's penis is nothing like that. But, of course, nothing about Edward Cullen could ever be average.
Maggie has also taught me about Kegel exercises. I'd always considered them something women did after they gave birth, but Maggie assures me that a lot of women with vaginismus use them in an attempt to gain control over the vaginal muscles. Control seems to be the key word in all of this. Jake had control over me for a long time and now I need to take that control back in every way possible. Maggie has helped me learn to control my negative thoughts about our marriage, my guilt, my anxiety. I'd be lying if I said I truly believe I'll ever be entirely free from the suffocating black smoke that has been debilitating me since I left Forks, but with her help I can at least learn how to deal with it rather than burying it. With every day that passes I'm confident that the girl having a panic attack on the edge of the bed four months ago is nothing but a phantom of my past.
Through the Kegel exercises I am learning to coax my muscles into relaxing, to train them. Whereas before I would always just try and force myself through the pain, squeezing my eyes shut and digging my fingers into Jake's skin, praying it would soon be over, Maggie says I need to make sure there is no pain to begin with, by gradually reconditioning my body.
It turns out reconditioning is pretty enjoyable. Of course, it helps that The Great Sex Ban, as my boyfriend calls it, has been lifted. Leaving us free to do whatever we want, whenever we want, just as long as we complete Maggie's weekly task and don't deviate from her treatment plan.
Edward picks up Dilator 2, the one we successfully used today, and studies it with his intense, somewhat lustful gaze.
"I mean, I know that this is a medical aid given to us by a therapist and it's not okay that it makes me horny, but now all I can think about is your face when I put it inside you." He runs the cool plastic over the skin of my stomach and kisses my jaw. "The sounds you made when I moved it in and out of you. How you begged, pleaded, loved having something inside. How you weren't afraid."
I shiver, recalling each moment with every word he says. Definitely no fear, there was a little pain in the form of an initial tightness, but I focused on controlling my muscles, my panic, my thoughts and soon his gentle movements felt good and pleasurable. It actually felt right to be so full.
He tosses the dilator on the bed and gathers me close, I tangle my legs with his, breathe in our mingled scents. Is this the smell of sex I hear so much about?
"Do you think I'm a deviant for enjoying using those on you so much?" His tone is teasing and his grin is infectious.
"Edward, essentially they are just doctor-recommended dildos so I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it."
He laughs and rolls over onto his back, bringing me in to snuggle against his chest. We are silent for a few minutes and I enjoy the lively sounds of Camden market coming through my open bedroom window. I revel in all these new and unfamiliar emotions— triumph, elation, relief.
With my previous therapist, Irina, successful homework was rare; with Maggie it's consistent. Of course, the Irina/Maggie variable is second to the main difference; it's Edward who is making this work in every way that Jake didn't.
Jake was sullen while Edward is enthusiastic. Jake was lazy while Edward cannot wait to start each task. Jake was irritable while Edward's patience seems unending. On days like this I wonder if Jake really loved me at all, and it's become abundantly clear that I didn't really love him, not the way I was supposed to at least.
Edward pulls me closer and kisses my head. When he speaks his tone is more serious than before.
"Are you sure you're okay though? You're not sore?"
There is a dull ache between my legs but just like after our first two-finger milestone, it doesn't bother me. I wear that ache like a medal.
I lift my eyes to his and smile. "Nothing I can't handle."
He takes my mouth, sucks my bottom lip between his and slides his hand into my hair until I groan. Soft lips, edged in scruff, warm tongue, needy hands and shivers. Always, always shivers.
I can still taste his release on my tongue, feel it on my skin, and yet he is growing hard again already. I reach between us, stroking him lazily, listening to his encouraging murmurs and fast breaths in my ear. Those sounds from him are enough to leave me wet and wanting.
"I can't wait until it's me inside you," he whispers and my heart races, not with fear but with anticipation, wild and hopeful and thrilling. I smile into his neck.
Misunderstanding my silence, he adds: "I didn't mean that in a pressurising way."
"I know," I tell him, dragging my nails gently down his neck, delighting in how he trembles slightly.
"I just wanted you to know. I'm patient for as long as you need me to be, and I'm still so aware of how much I can hurt you, but I can't pretend I'm not a bloke too. A bloke who belongs to you, and I always want to have sex with you." I feel him chuckle a little nervously. "Just wanted you to know that."
"Good to know, thanks." I grin.
Am I tempted to try again now? Of course I am. Do I have a hunch that already the therapy has helped and we'll have more success than before? Absolutely. Am I willing to risk destroying how far I've come by pushing too far, too soon? No. Would Edward even let me? I don't think so.
Because that's another difference. Edward understands me in a way so deep it makes Jake feel little more than a stranger.
Later that night, Edward's phone beeps for the third time and I watch him read the message, eyes rolling.
"Alice again?" I ask, applying my second coat of mascara.
"Yep, she's reminding me to bring the wine. Again. Why would I forget the wine? It's the only dinner party item I have any experience in bringing."
I raise a sceptical eyebrow at him in the mirror. "Do you attend a lot of dinner parties?"
He grins, sheepishly. "Well not a lot. Single men don't get invited to many dinners, unless one of your mates' birds is trying to set you up with someone." He scrunches up his face a little, still looking more handsome than anyone deserves. "Oddly enough, not many of them have tried that with me."
I laugh. "Oh gee, I wonder why!"
He comes up behind me, holding my gaze in the mirror with a gentle smile. He sweeps my curled hair over my shoulder and bends his lips to my neck.
"Excuse me, Ms Swan, but is that a slur on my boyfriend abilities?"
I turn my face and kiss him firmly on the mouth. "No," I whisper. "But a little British birdie told me I'm the exception not the rule."
"Less of the little. And, my God, you are pretty exceptional."
He holds my face in his hands and kisses me deeply before we're interrupted again by his phone.
"Fuck's sake," he grumbles, reading. "Can we bring pesto, she forgot it. Honestly, I don't understand what's with my sister tonight. She seems completely panicked and it's only you and me going over. She's usually the epitome of organisation, and is constantly giving me shit for being the opposite."
"Maybe she's nervous. This is the first real time you've spent with her and Jasper as a couple, right?"
Edward shrugs, pulling off his t-shirt and putting on a dark blue button-down. I try not to stare.
I don't know about Alice but I'm pretty nervous and I'm not really even sure why. I've met Alice several times of course and we spent time together in Southend. I guess this scenario will be a little more formal though, the four of us eating a meal, getting to know each other properly. Edward's sister is so important to him, I want us to become real friends.
Sibling relationships have always been kind of fascinating to me. Charlie was a great dad but growing up just the two of us was a little lonely sometimes and after the accident, Jake's family was pretty lonely too. The closest I've come to a sibling relationship is Emmett I suppose. Alice seems so sweet and I want her to like me, I want her to think me worthy of her big brother. I want to get to know Jasper better too, ideally without recalling the post-orgasm encounter in Edward's apartment every time I look at him.
"Maybe it's because she's cooking at J's," Edward is saying. "I guess it's her first girlfriend-y thing."
"Yeah it's got to be a little strange, when you've only known Jasper with Maria for so long."
"Yeah I guess," he shrugs, standing in front of the mirror and trying to tame his crazy hair. "Although I'm not complaining one bit. Maria basically hates me so I wasn't exactly on their dinner party hot list."
"Come here." I stand in front of him and reach for his hair. He bends down to accommodate me and hums a little when I push my fingers through the thick, copper waves.
"Better?" he asks when I'm finished.
I grin. "Nope. Really, I just wanted to touch it."
He chuckles and pulls me close, sliding both hands around my ass and pulling me against him.
"You really don't need an excuse to touch me, Sweetheart." His eyes glint wickedly. "Whenever and wherever you like..."
His phone beeps and he lets out an adorable frustrated growl.
"Fine! Right, come on let's go before my ridiculous sister infuriates me further."
Jasper's new apartment in Islington is absolutely stunning; all white pillars, wrought iron fences and sash windows. As we approach the front door we hear raised voices. Alarmed, Edward rushes ahead and pushes the door open when he finds it already unlocked.
Jasper, Alice and a tall, beautiful woman with Mediterranean features and a sneer-adorned face are all gathered in the hall, yelling. At least the women are yelling, while Jasper stands protectively in front of Alice, seemingly trying to defuse the situation.
"Ali..." Edward stops beside his sister and places a hand on her shoulder. She shrugs him off, not taking her eyes from the other woman, apparently seething.
The tall woman looks up and notices us.
She is stunning but her face is twisted in a bitter smile. I get the impression just from looking at her that this isn't a rare expression.
"Well, I should have guessed you'd be showing up, Cullen." Her accent is more refined than even Aro's, but her tone is sharp and unpleasant.
"I guess you got exactly what you wanted, didn't you?" she continues, looking at Edward the way you would a cockroach under your shoe. Already, I'm bristling.
"Maria, you need to calm down," Edward says in a strained but measured voice.
"Calm down? Why the fuck should I calm down? How can I calm down when my husband is fucking someone else!"
Oh.
"It's a bit more than fucking actually," Alice spits, and for someone so tiny she's quite formidable.
"Alice-" Jasper starts but nobody is listening.
"Oh is that so?" Maria snarls.
"Yes. He loves me and I love him. More than you ever have." Alice's eyes glisten with angry tears.
"You little bitch-" When Maria moves towards her, Jasper steps up and holds her back, while Edward wraps an arm around his sister, pulling her towards him.
"Oh that's right, Ed. You'd better protect that little home-wrecking whore of a sister of yours!"
"Oi!" Edward yells. "Watch your mouth, Maria."
"Why should I? Isn't this all your doing anyway? You've always been a bad influence on Jasper."
"A bad influence? Fuck's sake, he's not a child!"
"Oh please," Maria scoffs. "You've always been a bloody mess, the entire time I've known you. Drinking, fucking anything that moved. It always pissed you off that you couldn't enlist my husband in your dirty little nights out, you've been trying to split us up for years."
Once again Jasper starts to speak but is interrupted.
"Bollocks!" Now Edward is furious too. "I just wanted him to be happy. And it was pretty obvious he wasn't with you!"
"So what the fuck? You set him up with your sister?" Maria practically screams, looking more than a little unhinged.
"I didn't set anything up!"
"Well that little slag wormed her way into Jasper's bed from somewhere!"
Alice lets out a feral noise and struggles to get out of Edward's grip to get at her.
"He was miserable!" Alice cries.
"He was fine! And you ruined it." Maria pauses to look around at us, the smell of cooking hovers in the air.
"And now you're all shacked up. Taking the place of his wife and double dating with Cullen and-" she turns her vicious gaze to me, "whoever his latest, pathetic flavour of the month is-"
Edward vibrates with rage beside me but the moment before he explodes Jasper suddenly roars:
"Enough!"
Everyone is stunned into silence. He turns to Alice, a hand half reached out to touch her before he apparently thinks better of it.
"Let me handle this. Please," he says it softly and the fight seems to go out of Alice instantly.
He turns to Maria, eyes steely.
"You need to leave. Right now."
She shakes her head, jaw clenched. "I'm not going anywhere. We need to talk."
"We have talked," Jasper murmurs, resigned. "I've said everything I need to say a hundred times."
I watch as Maria's hard face crumbles instantly.
"No," she whispers. "It's not over. You...you love me, right? I'm your wife."
Jasper takes a step closer, holds her gaze with his unwavering one.
"I left, Maria. I haven't changed my mind, I want a divorce."
Maria shakes her head over and over, tears beginning to track down her cheeks.
"No...you can't. You can't leave me. I can't be on my own. You can't be on your own."
"I can," Jasper says. "I am."
Her hands reach out desperately, grabbing onto his face but Jasper flinches and pulls away.
"I need you, darling. Please. I can be better. This can't be over," she pauses, chokes on a sob. "I can't go on without you."
My blood runs a little cold. Is she saying what I think she's saying?
But Jasper doesn't waver, he holds his ground.
"No, Maria. It's over. You will not control me that way anymore."
"Control you? What do you mean? All I've ever done is love you and-"
"All you've ever done is own me!" Jasper raises his voice and Maria flinches back but now I suspect her reactions are less genuine than I first thought. Behind her tears I can still see the hint of a vicious snarl.
"I won't be emotionally blackmailed any more, Maria. I won't. I deserve more than your neuroses controlling my life. I deserve more than feeling guilty every fucking day for the stuff you invent in your head. I won't go back."
"You need me," she whispers.
"I don't. I'm sorry."
Maria sniffs, her tears instantly replaced with anger again.
"And what about her?" She shoots a daggered look at Alice and Alice stares back, I watch her tiny fist tighten around Edward's shirt.
"She's real," Jasper says, simply. "She's honest, and decent."
"You love her?" Maria spits.
Jasper nods, solemnly. "Yes."
"Please," Maria begs. "Please I'll...I'll be better, I-"
When Maria dissolves into sobs again, Edward decides it's a good idea for us to make our exit. He gently pulls Alice away and we walk into the lounge, leaving Jasper and Maria alone in the hallway.
Silently, Alice sits down on the couch, looking a little shell-shocked and Edward sits down beside her, nudging her with his shoulder and offering a small smile.
"Are you okay?"
She shakes her head, staring at the hard wood floor, letting a few tears silently fall.
"I really wanted to hit her, Ed."
"I know."
She looks up at him. "Thanks for not letting me."
"Any time," Edward murmurs with a smile.
We fall silent and can still hear Jasper and Maria's murmured voices on the other side of the door. Edward playfully pokes Alice in the ribs and says. "Hey, do you remember that time I snapped your Boyzone CD in half?"
Alice chuckles through her tears. Edward looks up at me, grinning.
"I destroyed it because...well, they're shit, and this little madam was so pissed off she clocked me right in the mouth! My lip swelled right up and I had to tell my mates I got mugged down the shopping centre."
Alice laughs harder, brushing away her tears. "You totally deserved it."
"Oh I've no doubt. I just wonder what you would have done if it had been Take That, put me in Casualty?"
Alice shrugs, giggling. "Maybe."
I watch Edward wrap his arm around his sister and kiss the top of her head.
"All right?" he says softly and Alice nods, pulling away and taking a steadying breath.
She looks towards the door, worried. "What do think they're talking about?"
"I think he's saying 'goodbye'," Edward says, simply.
Alice groans, putting her head in her hands. "Jesus, what was I thinking anyway? You were right, bro, I should never have put myself in the middle of this."
"Hey. No. I wasn't right." Edward gestures towards the door. "He is crazy about you. Seriously. This is just a...bump."
"Edward's right," I tell her, feeling the need to reassure her. "He said it right then in front of her. He loves you, Alice."
She offers me a small, sad smile. "Thanks."
Suddenly the front door slams and there is silence. We watch expectantly for Jasper to walk in but he doesn't. I briefly wonder if he left too but I instinctively feel he's still here, on the other side of that door, gathering himself.
We all jump when the shrill of the smoke alarm blares out.
"Oh fuck!" Alice leaps up and runs presumably to the kitchen.
Edward and I stand and he gives me a hug. "I'm sorry about all this."
I wave him off. "Forget it. I just hope they're okay."
Edward nods. "Listen, I'm gonna go out there and check on him. Could you go...help her?"
"Of course."
"And Bella, about what Maria said about me...and you. I'm sorry, that was...wrong and-"
I place a hand on his jaw, lift up on tiptoes to kiss him. "I know. Do you think I don't know that by now?"
He smiles, kisses my mouth, my cheek, my ear. With a murmured, "love you" he slips into the hall.
In the kitchen, Alice is staring at a smoking dish of what I think were once stuffed chicken breasts. There is also a pan of pasta, water boiled away and congealed into one giant lump.
"I don't think we'll be eating this," she whispers, her eyes filling with tears again. She looks so vulnerable. It's strange to see this bubbly, confident girl with her perfect make-up streaked and her funky outfit dishevelled. I guess when it comes to love we can all be left a little exposed.
I wrap my arm around her shoulders. "It's no big deal, and we forgot the pesto anyway." I grin and she smiles back.
"Thanks. I'm sorry you've been dragged into this." She slowly scrapes the ruined food into the bin. "I don't know if this was a good idea. Divorces are so messy...maybe I should never have involved myself in this. Baggage, you know?"
She catches sight of my face and slaps her hand over her mouth. "Oh shit! I'm sorry; I didn't mean that with you - oh crap, I mean that's totally different and-"
"It's not that different. Don't worry about it." I smile, shrug, "I'm still not divorced."
"You're not?" she frowns. "I thought Ed told me everything was going through."
My heart feels suddenly heavier. "I want it to but Jake still hasn't signed the papers. My lawyer can't even reach him at the moment."
"Blimey."
"Yep." I meet her eyes. "But you should know that doesn't affect Edward and I. He's...well, he's everything. So much more than I had with Jake."
She smiles. "I know, Bella. You're perfect together. My brother hasn't been this happy in years, maybe ever. With that fucking Tanya, even before we found out she was a cheating, lying bitch, things never felt...right." She pauses like she doesn't know whether to carry on.
"I never saw them lasting," she eventually says carefully.
"How could you tell?"
"I just could," she answers, somewhat cryptically. She smiles brightly at me, grips the tops of my arms. "But you're different. You're endgame, I can-" Pause. "I can feel it, that's all."
"I hope so. I love him so much."
She grins, hugs me tightly. "Yeah he's kinda lovable, ain't he? The soft sod."
A throat is cleared from the doorway and we look up to see Jasper standing there. Alice instantly stiffens a little, nervous I think. He offers me a grateful smile as I leave the room but I can't help glancing back to see him cup Alice's face in his hands tenderly. He whispers in her ear and I can't hear anything except, "She doesn't control me anymore."
I sit next to Edward on the sofa and think about that word again, control. There's the kind of control that's benign, unintentional. Like how Edward's mood influences mine, how his happiness is directly linked to my own. How being in love, giving yourself over to someone so completely, means giving away power too and control over your emotions. But if that person is worthy, if that person loves you back and gives you everything in return there can be so much strength to be found in that relinquishing of control. You can be stronger together.
But if the person who controls you is toxic, damaged or broken, then they can abuse that power. They can control you in a negative way, emotionally blackmail you and own you and poison you with guilt and shame, like Maria did to Jasper.
Like Jake did to me.
Jasper has broken free, decided that enough is enough. He's taken back the control. I did the same except it doesn't feel entirely over, I don't feel entirely free. I hope that one day soon I will, when Jake accepts it too.
Jasper and Alice come back into the room, smiling. Alice is tucked into his side.
Jasper raises his eyebrows, offers a sheepish smile and produces two takeout menus.
"So," he says. "Chinese or Indian?"
"Wow, so England does get sunny days like this." I turn my face towards the sun where even this late in the afternoon it's still pleasantly warm. My body is stretched out along the blanket next to Edward's, our heads almost touching.
"Yep," he says. "But make the most of it. We get a collective average of two weeks of sun a year."
I push my sunglasses up and turn my head to squint at his sarcastic grin. I wonder if I'll ever stop noticing how stunning he is, certainly not when he looks as amazing as he does today; baggy cargo shorts, white polo shirt, 'weekend hair' and Ray Bans. I lean a little nearer and graze my lips softly over his scruff. Delicious.
"So what did you used to do on hot and sunny Sundays when you weren't hosting romantic picnics in Hyde Park?"
He turns on his side and mirrors my stance, faces close, heads propped up on our hands.
He pushes a piece of hair from my forehead, shrugs. "I was usually hung over. Or waking up on a friend's sofa. Or...wherever." Grimace. "Or working."
"Should we be working?"
"Why would I work when I have you here?" He runs his hand teasingly over my hip, moving his lips to mine. His tongue gently explores and my heart flutters.
"What about you?" he asks, pulling away.
"It's never sunny in Forks." I tell him simply, and I don't just mean the weather.
"What about in Seattle?" I can see the hint of a frown behind his glasses; it's the same slightly unsettled look I've noticed a few times today. I thought he was still worrying about his sister after last night's showdown but now I'm worried that it's something else.
"Did you have a lot of fun there?" He seems agitated by his own question.
"Sure, Seattle is awesome," I answer, carefully. "Emmett is there so he makes it cool."
Edward lays his head back, stares at the sky. "So...you miss it?"
My heart races a little faster, realisation dawning. Are we finally going to have this conversation?
"Sometimes," I tell him honestly. But not as much as I miss you every moment we're not together.
He nods, silent. The relaxed atmosphere between us becomes a little more tense.
The truth is my original six-month secondment contract with Volturi UK expires in a month. The last five months have flown by so quickly I've hardly even had time to consider what I would do when my time was up. I came here almost on a whim, I needed to escape and this was the quickest solution. What I didn't expect was to fall in love, with Edward, with England. I didn't expect to want to live here permanently; to be honest I didn't really have a plan at all.
But now I need one. Because the man I love lives here and leaving him is not an option.
We've been hovering around the subject for weeks, a hint here, a comment there. I know he wants me to stay; I want to stay too. But it's only the last few weeks that I've even allowed myself the luxury of thinking about the future.
The day I told him I loved him I knew I wanted him for good. But back then I still didn't dare hope that would be possible. If it weren't for my condition I would have gone to Aro to renew my contract weeks ago, but the bottom line is that we haven't had full intercourse. I'd be lying if I said I was left dissatisfied by what we currently do in bed, the pleasure of being with Edward in that way is greater than anything I've ever known. But I know that there's more, I know we are both missing out. Can I afford to want forever with a man I haven't slept with? More importantly, can he?
The last few weeks we've made real progress. These dilators encourage me to feel that it's a matter of when rather than if. Is it time to lay our cards on the table?
I feel Edward's eyes on me and turn to meet them and I'm shocked to see them filled with sadness and anxiety. My chest is suddenly aching.
"Hey..." I reach my hand out and touch his face. I watch him swallow.
"Do you want to go back?" he whispers.
Fuck. Have I really been so vague that it's possible he can believe that?
I rush forward, wrap my arm around his waist and snuggle closer.
"No," I tell him but he doesn't seem to hear me.
"This is for good, Bella. I've never...I can't just let you go. We'll be together, yeah? Wherever that is."
I hold him closer, nuzzle his neck.
"Yes, Edward. Yes. I'm sorry."
I hear him take a shaky breath, tighten his arms around me.
"Good," he mumbles, voice breaking slightly. "That's good."
We hold each other in silence for a moment and I listen to his breathing get steadier. He eventually loosens his grip enough that I can pull back and look at him.
"I'm sorry," I say again.
"What for?"
"Letting you think that I'd ever want to go back."
Edward frowns. "I just...I didn't know. You said you love me but...this isn't home to you. I know that." He holds my face in his hands. "If you wanted to go back, I'd come with you, to the States I mean. I know the visa situation is complex but we'd figure it out and-"
I cut off his adorable rambling with a firm kiss.
"Baby, listen. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. I love it here, okay?"
"Really?" he squints, disbelieving. "Why?"
I laugh, relieved at least that we have made a decision of sorts. "Do you not like it?"
"I'm English, I have to like it. It's home. But sometimes I struggle to see its appeal to foreigners, yeah." He smirks. "Aside from the obvious healthcare benefits."
I shrug. "I love everything about it. The history, London, the seaside, the people."
"The weather?" He grins.
"Okay, maybe not the weather," I chuckle. "Although today's a pretty good day."
His face grows more serious, just a soft smile remaining on his lips. He gathers me close, his lips brushing mine when he speaks.
"Today is pretty wonderful."
"So...we're doing this?"
"We're doing this."
"I'm moving here?"
"Bella, you already live here. But as I said, I'll go wherever you want to go."
"No I don't mean that, I just mean..."
What if I'm still broken?
I shiver, suddenly a little cold. He reaches for one of the blankets and covers us.
He holds my gaze steadily. "What is it?"
I take a deep breath. "We aren't having proper sex. Nothing has changed."
"You what? Of course it has."
"No, no I mean, I'm not...fixed."
"You're getting there," he tells me, stroking his fingers down my neck and giving me goosebumps. "God, Bella, you're doing amazingly well."
I nod. I'm relieved and pleased with our progress, but I just can't get rid of those last nagging fears.
"I know, you're right. But I'm still worried that it won't be enough."
"I'm not," he says, simply. "I know we'll get there." The look in his eyes tells me he's not just saying that for my benefit either, he really believes it won't be a problem.
"How do you know?"
"Because we both want it so much." He slides his fingers down my neck, tracing my collarbone, before placing his hand over where my heart is. The simple touch makes me shiver and my whole body longs for him. The heat of his hand melts through my shirt to my skin and spreads through me.
"You feel that?" he whispers. "You understand what's between us?"
I take a shaky breath. "Yes."
He smiles, gently. "That, right there, is more powerful than fear or worry. It's so powerful, baby. I've never known anything like it, not with Tanya or any other woman, a connection like that."
He leans closer, places his open lips on my throat and gently sucks. He slides his hand into my hair. I close my eyes, trembling slightly.
He whispers into my skin, "Eventually, it will take over everything else. You'll see."
I grab his hair and drag his mouth to mine, needing his taste, his tongue, his hands all over me. Needing his reassurance like air.
I hear his sharp, surprised intake of breath and then he is kissing me back, gripping one hand in my hair and the other pressed against my lower back pulling me closer. I tangle my legs with his, push my hips against his until I hear him groan.
"God, Bella. Stop. You have to...shit, there's people everywhere." His eyes are dark, his breathing heavy and his hair wild from my hands.
I glance around. We were already in a secluded corner, and the few people that were nearby have packed up and left while we were talking. All that remains is a group of teenagers lounging on the grass about 100 feet away and an older couple sitting on a bench in the distance.
"Actually," my mouth finds the delicious, salty skin of his throat, "there's not."
He pauses, surveying the park.
"Fuck it," he mutters, pulling me as close as he can, wrapping the blanket around us both protectively. Our mouths are desperate and needy, but I can feel relief too. His relief that I'm staying, my relief that he wants me to. Our hips move against each other in a rhythm we don't control.
"So hard for me," I whisper and he groans.
"Always."
I pull my mouth back and try to control my breathing. I reach between us and run my fingers over the perfect outline of him, straining against the soft cargo material. He mutters a curse and pushes into my touch, but at the same time says my name in warning.
"Shhh, it's okay," I whisper. "Lie back."
I watch his eyes dart around anxiously but he does as I ask.
I snuggle close and lay my head on his chest. I make sure the blanket is covering us properly before I slide my hand back down to his fly, stroking over him slowly.
"See? We're just cuddling in the park."
His chuckle is low and throaty. "You're going to get us arrested, Ms Swan."
"Shhh...just relax."
He closes his eyes and inhales shakily. I unbutton his fly, slide down the zipper and watch every emotion and need flutter over his face.
"Let me take care of you for a change," I murmur in his ear. "I'm going to always take care of you, Edward."
I slide my hand inside his boxers, encircling his cock.
"I'm not...going...anywhere."
I stroke and he gasps.
I don't tease, vaguely aware that we may not have much time before someone comes nearer. I build up a steady rhythm, watching him breathe and listening to his murmured, almost incoherent words.
"Bella," he eventually groans urgently and I know he's going to come soon. His eyes flash to mine a little desperate, a little anxious.
"It's okay," I lift his shirt higher and enjoy the sound he makes when my fingers brush against his stomach.
"I...I'm gonna...Bella."
"Let go. It's okay. Let go for me."
He twitches in my hand and moans my name quietly into my hair. I tremble; wanting him, needing him, loving him. Always.
"Thank you," he whispers, while I efficiently clean up with spare napkins.
"Any time." I grin.
Later, when Edward has made me come so hard he had to cover my mouth to stifle my cries, when we've finished off the bread and hummus and delicious champagne, when we've laughed so hard my chest aches, when we've dozed under that blanket and then woken when the sun is low in the sky and there's a chill in the air, I wonder if I'll ever be as happy as this ever again. If this moment is the one I'll keep with me forever, the one that I'll live on repeat in heaven. And then I realise something; every moment with Edward feels like this. So yes I will be this happy again, every day I'm with him.
Then, on the way home, his phone rings.
"Hello?...Ali?" He frowns, the relaxation of the last few hours instantly replaced with worry.
He stops walking and I watch.
"Ali, I can't understand you. You need to calm down."
Damn. More trouble from Maria?
"Alice," he says more firmly. "Take a deep breath, babe. What is it?"
I watch the emotions drift over his face; disbelief, resignation, anger.
"Okay. Yeah. We'll meet you at Fenchurch Street." More quietly. "Bye, sis."
My chest feels tight. He hangs up, I touch his arm.
"What's happened?"
He turns to me slowly, his gorgeous features marred by an angry scowl. "My dad...he's left. They've...they're splitting up I think."
Fuck.
"He left her?"
He shakes his head slowly.
"No." He pauses, apparently disbelieving. "She kicked him out."
A/N
Go, Esme!
In my opinion there is absolutely nothing more romantic than a picnic (and, um, that last lemon might have been slightly autobiographical...). Also, fellow Brits, I keep hoping if I continue to write about the sun we might actually get some! Grrr...
Casualty = ER
I mainly share Britward's opinion re Boyzone, except one song called Better which is so lovely I included it in my wedding. It also captures B&E's progressing relationship quite well I think.
Thank you for your support, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this one. And remember, if you want me to know who you are or be able to reply please remember to login before you review, thank you! x
Amber xxx