A/N: Wow! You love me. You really love me! Over 16,000 hits, 47 favs and 105 followers (Woohoo!) I'm honoured. No, really.
Thanks to All My Readers, esp. Casismyfavorite and Aliniah (who deserve a special mention)
Sorry for late update. I've been working on this part for a long time, because for some reason having Dean apologize and confess the real reason the fight happened kinda felt like going through a 13-year Emo-Girl's journal. Brutally honest and extremely personal, well... you get the idea. But anyways...
Presenting "The Reconciliation". Or as I like to call it "Two Emotionally Retarded, Verbally Constipated people have The Talk (more like Shock-Induced Verbal Diarrhoea)"
Special thanks to Keith Urban's "Tonight I Wanna Cry". Please listen to it before you start reading. The events (between last chapter and this one) will make more sense that way.
Part 10.C [Trigger Warnings (Accidental OD)]
It was bright. Like someone had trained a spotlight right in his face. Dean groaned, and tried to focus his eyes into the light. He could see someone just beyond it. "Dean?" A far away voice, vaguely familiar, called out his name. "Dean, can you hear me?" the voice sounded close, but not close enough.
Dean blinked his eyes as something soft brushed against his face. Then the voice called his name again. He struggled to place the voice. Low… husky… familiar… "Cas?" he croaked. His voice sounded hoarse. God, his throat was on fire. He coughed and swallowed, trying to soothe the burning. "Cas?" he tried again. Just as bad.
"Morning, Major," came the mumbled reply, followed by a soft press of lips at the corner of his mouth – Dean smiled and tasted blood. Maybe last night was rougher than he remembered, he surmised – then a soft, "I'm going to get the doctor, okay? I'll be right back."
Doctor? Dean wondered sleepily, turning onto his side. He felt something restraining his movements. He focused his eyes on his arm and saw the leather straps, one at his wrist, the other just above his elbow. His semi-alert eyes followed the transparent plastic pipelets taped to his skin, extending up to the salines mounted on the stand beside his bed.
No! No… no… NO! His mind immediately sprang to attention, It can't be, every nerve completely alert. He was saved. Cas had got him out. He was free, dammit! This can't be happening. He pulled at the restraints with all his might. "Cas?" Where was Cas… what had they done to him? He had to save Cas. Oh God…"Cas!" he yelled at the top of his voice, struggling against the bindings. "CAS!"
"Dean?" Cas appeared in the doorway of the room, along with another man. Hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot…
Dean struggled harder. "Dean, stop it!" the man snapped as they both rushed to him.
"Don't pull, I'm here. Calm down." Suddenly he was being pressed down in the bed, a warm body covering his, arms surrounding him. Dean stopped struggling and melted into the embraced. "My Angel," he whispered, trying to get as close as he could to his angel, in spite of the binds. "Calm down, Dean. I'm here… I'm not going anywhere. I got you," the words were whispered into his neck, his hair as warm hands caressed his back… his head... deliberately… soothingly. "Sleep, Major. You're safe," the low voice assured him.
He closed his eyes. "Don't leave me," he begged as the sedatives took over.
Dean woke up in a hospital room. He blinked his eyes open and took in his surroundings, even as the strong smell of industrial disinfectants hit his nose, rousing him further. He tried to sit up and found his movements restricted, mainly thanks to the fact that his arms were strapped to the bed. Not that it surprised him. They always strapped him down because he always pulled the needles out and was sometimes said to fight them off on pure muscle memory. The Million Dollar Question was, 'Why was he in a friggin hospital'?
"Winchester, I see you've finally decided to grace us with your presence," a scrubs clad man entered the room and started hovering around him, a clipboard in the hand.
"Carl!" Finally, someone who could give him some answers. "Why the fuck am I—" he stopped short as a few images fluttered through his mind – the fight, the phone call, the visit to Carmen's, sitting in their room surrounded by empty bottles and Cas' pictures… He slammed his head into the pillow. "Please tell me I was in a car accident or something," he said.
"You were in a car accident or something," Dr. Robinson repeated unhumourously, checking his vitals. "All normal," he declared, raising Dean to sitting position. "You won't punch me, or throttle me, if I release you, right?" he asked skeptically.
Dean looked down at his hands and shook his head. "Good," Carl replied, undoing his straps. "Thanks," Dean rubbed his wrists. The bruises were starting to show. "Can I get water or something? My throat's on fire."
"I'm not your personal maid, Winchester," the doctor said under his breath, but loud enough for him to hear, nevertheless retrieving a glass with a straw from the side table and holding it to his lips.
"Thanks, Nerd," Dean smiled, gulping down as much as he could.
"Apparently, you took the break-up harder than intended," the doctor replied in response to his earlier question.
"Bloody Lani McKenzie*," Dean cursed under his breath as something clicked. "This wasn't Cas' fault," he clarified, defending his ex?-husband. He didn't want anyone blaming Cas for his stupidity.
"Never said it was. We all know you too well," the doctor replied placidly. "But he's been beating himself over the head since they brought you in yesterday morning."
Yesterday morning? Dean gulped. "Where's Cas?"
"Outside pacing the floor," Carl replied. "Figured I'd give you couple of minutes before he starts rending you limb for limb."
Dean swore. "They called Sammy yet?"
"Castiel did after they got you in," Carl replied. "And…?" Dean asked hesitantly. "Do I look like a bloody messenger? Ask him," the doctor waved in direction of the door. "Do you want me call him?"
Dean nodded, and found to his annoyance that the doctor had already left without waiting for his answer.
-x-x-x-
"Hello Dean," Cas greeted from the doorway, wearily entering the room and shutting the door behind him.
Dean almost did a double take as Cas trudged up to the bed and stood before him, lost…scared. Dark circles under the eyes that seemed to have lost their usual spark, the five-eye o'clock shadow gracing his face, his shoulders drooped as if the weight of the world had fallen on them... Dean hated himself for doing this to him.
He extended his arms in invitation and Cas slipped into his embrace without a preamble, holding him for all he was worth.
"Hey, Cas," Dean whispered softly into his hair, not wanting to break whatever tentative thing that remained between them.
"You scared me," Cas said, finally pulling back and looking into his eyes. "I was so scared that I'd lost you…"
"I'm sorry," Dean replied, his voice a little stronger. "I'm fine. More than fine. See?" he spread his arms and smiled.
Cas nodded, a short firm nod, then scooted back increasing the distance between them. "What happened?" he asked, his voice crisp… hard.
"Cas… I…" Dean stumbled for an answer. Hell, he had no answer. What could he say? "It was an accident," he finally replied, not looking at his husband, and realized how wrong the words were as soon as they left his mouth.
"You mean, you accidently OD'd," Cas snapped, standing up to stare down at him. "This is not the first time it has happened, has it?" Dean looked up at him, fear clouding his eyes. "I talked to Dr. Robinson."
"Cas, I wanted to te—"
"What?" Cas cut in, harshly. "Tell me you used to down sleeping pills like candy-corn?" Dean blanched. "You knew. You knew how I lost Meg… and you still… I found you, Dean. Lying there, spewing blood…" Dean hung his head down. "You had no right to do that. No fucking right to do that to me, you fucking piece of shit."
"Cas, I'm sorry," he mumbled. Cas ignored him to pace around the room. "Cas, come here," Dean reached forward, extending his arm.
Cas stopped and looked at Dean. "Fuck you. I'll kill you myself."
"Cas, babe, come here," Dean repeated softly, moving forward. "Please."
Cas took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, then walked over to perch next to him on the bed. "Why?" he pleaded. "How long?"
"I don't…" Dean shook his head. "Ever since I got back," he answered truthfully. "I couldn't sleep. The nightmares were too much. But the pills didn't really work… my body has learnt to fight it off, I guess. So I started taking more than prescribed and drowning it with whatever I could find. This happened a couple of times, so I gave them up. Figured a few nightmares were better than having everyone go through…" he waved his hands around, "this. Then you came and well… I didn't want you to know," he smiled softly. "But that night, I guess I just wanted to forget everything for a while… Cas, I'm sorry," he repeated quietly. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's my fault," Cas shook his head. "I should've known…"
"It's not your fault," Dean said firmly. "You didn't know because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want you to see me like this… see any of this. And I don't want you blaming yourself, okay?"
Cas opened his mouth to protest, when the door creaked open and Ellen walked in, her face a mixture of anger and concern.
"You scared us, you asshole," she said by the way of greeting, as Bobby followed her and shut the door behind them. "What in the cold hell were you thinking, boy?" were the first words that left his mouth.
"Hey Bobby, Ellen," Dean greeted, nodding to each of them, then tuned out. He already knew this speech by heart.
"So…" Dean said quietly, breaking the silence. "When are you leaving?"
"Leaving?" Cas asked confused, tearing his eyes away from the rippling water to look at his husband.
It had been three hours since Dean was discharged after his 2 day stint, and the last thing they both wanted to do was go home. Instead, Cas had driven them to their pond, and switched off Dean's phone, so no one could disturb them. And now that they were settled on the hood, watching the soft ripples and listening to the silent sounds of the night, Dean had finally decided to bring up the issue that was on his mind since yesterday.
"Well, you are still going, aren't you?" Dean asked. He wanted Cas to stay back, but not now... not like this… out of obligation or pity.
"I'm not going anywhere," Cas replied, wide-eyed. "I can't leave you like this."
Dean groaned. "Cas… I know it was some weird half-assed plan to make me see the light, but seriously…you'd be better off with your family. I wouldn't blame you if you decided to leave."
"You. Are. Incorrigible," Cas got down to stand in front of Dean, a finger pointed accusingly at him. "Inane, insane, daft and every other synonym for stupid I can think of. If you want to end us, the least you can do is be honest about it."
"Cas, that's not what I'm…" Dean protested, ignoring the pleas of his own heart. It was like waddling against the current, without really wanting to. He wanted nothing better than to close his eyes and let go, but he couldn't help but think that Cas deserved better. The last few days had been a revelation of sort.
"No?" Cas faced him, pupils dilated, hands curled into fists. "So what exactly are you saying? I should go away because I wouldn't want to stay with you. And who the fuck may I ask gave you the right to make that decision for me? Not even my brother has any say in who I choose to spend my life with. And you really really think I'd have gone through the whole nine yards if I didn't want to stick around? What's next? Get pregnant and haggle over alimony? Who the fuck…"
"Stop it, alright," Dean shouted, desperate to get a word in. "I never said that. Never! I know you. I know you love me, and I love you too. Which is why I don't…" he took a deep breath. "I don't…"
"Don't what?"
"I don't want you bloody wasting your life here, dammit!" he yelled. "I don't know why you want to stay in this Bumfuck, Nowhere, working as a mediocre mechanic, and playing house with an ex-vet on a disability pension, when you can go anywhere you want and be with anyone you want. You need a place to rest your legs, and home to come back to, you got it. But you don't have to stay here like a fucking martyr. Hell, the only reason I live here is because I have no other choice. Do you have any idea how much I had to fight with Sam to move out of his place? And he allowed it only because I agreed to come back here."
"What are you talking about?" Cas asked, stopping in front of him.
"Sure, I lived alone," Dean replied "But Jo was always coming around. Carmen did all my shopping… I work at my Godfather's Garage… I know all these people and they all know me. Or they think they do. You used to like this… you used to do that. Used to… but I can't anymore because I'm stuck in this... thing," he gestured at his wheelchair. "And I fucking hate everyone for reminding me of that everyday. I hate the way they look at me with damn pity in their eyes... the way they go out of their way to reintegrate me into the society. I don't want to be treated like a fucking celebrity for getting tortured by a psychopath and I fucking certainly wasn't thinking of making Sioux Falls, South Dakota, proud when Alistair was using my ass as a whetstone." He sighed in defeat. "I'm tired, Cas… Tired of faking it. Tired of ignoring the way people look at me. Tired of acting happy and careless all the fucking time, because I don't want to hurt some poor soul who's trying to cheer me up. Tired of pretending it's alright."
"Then why do you?" Cas asked, coming to sit beside him.
"Because they won't leave me the fuck alone," Dean yelled in exasperation. "Stop moping around, Dean. It's not like your life's over, Dean… There are plenty of handicapped people who live their lives happily, Dean…They want to see the old Dean, because they feel sorry for the new one. But it should on their terms. I have to smile when they want to cheer me up. I have to let them fuss over me when they want to… I'm a bloody social cause for them. And I can't even complain without coming across as an ungrateful dickhead. It's like I have to fit into their ideas of what an archetypical ex-Golden Boy handicapped should be…"
"It's been like this all my life," he added quietly. He had never told anyone about this, but for once he didn't care. He had to say something, the weight of everything was suffocating him. "My dad expected me to be this perfect son and take over the family business… Sammy expected me to be the mother he never knew… Carmen expected me to be the perfect boyfriend every girl wanted… everyone else expected me to be the token Golden boy. Gabe was the only who ever understood. The only one who didn't have any expectations of me, the only one with whom I didn't have to pretend," Dean looked at his husband, tears welling in his eyes. Then he looked away. "I always thought leaving this podunk town would be an answer to everything. I asked Gabe to come along, knowing he could never say no to me. He died because I was too selfish to leave him alone. He gave up everything for me and I couldn't even keep him alive."
"That wasn't your fault, Dean," Cas protested, not sure if it would be heard. It wasn't.
"Now he's gone and I'm back here. Trapped in this godforsaken fucking Groundhog's Day of a life, with no room to escape. It's like I'm back on the rack. Every damn day I just… just wait for it get over so I can forget everything for a few moments. Then it starts all over again. I'm… I feel suffocated, Cas." Cas jerked at his name. He wasn't sure of Dean was even aware of him anymore. "Sometimes… sometimes I wish it would have been better if…" he sniffed and tried to blink away his tears. "…better if I hadn't returned. Dying would've been better than living like this."
"Dean," Cas whispered, drawing him close. "You don't mean that."
Dean sniffed again. "And then there's you."
"What about me?"
"You…" Dean muttered, not sure what he wanted to say. "Before you came, I'd made peace with everything… accepted that it wouldn't get any better. But you… you changed all that. You showed me that there's something out there for someone like me, that maybe… just maybe… and I was selfish. I asked you to marry me because I never wanted you to leave, because I didn't want to be alone anymore. But I'm wrong. You don't belong here. I saw you on the roads… flying free. That's where you belong. With others who can give you that freedom. Not someone like me. I can't… I can't keep you tied to myself. You are an angel, Cas… and I'm… I'm sorry Cas, but you have to go."
"Dean," Cas pulled away and jumped down to stand in front of him once again. "Do you really want me to leave?" he asked quietly, cupping Dean's cheeks between his hands and forcing him to hold the gaze. "If you really want me to go, I'll leave and never look back. All you have to do is say the word. Do you really want me to go?"
Dean looked at him, searchingly, then closed his eyes and sighed. "No, I don't," he breathed. "But if you stay here… even you'll start feeling trapped. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. And then you'll hate me. I couldn't live with knowing that you hate me. I'll die, Cas… I don't know how I'll survive if you ever hate…"
The rest of the sentence was cut off, as Cas pressed their lips together, his tongue seeking permission to claim its right. It took time, between Dean's quiet sobs and half-hearted reluctance but the lips parted and Cas pulled his husband, his Major, to him. He kept kissing… reassuring… till the urgent need for oxygen forced them to part. He pulled back to see Dean's face, his eyes tightly shut but the adamant tears still finding their way down his stained cheeks.
"Dean," he called softly, not wanting to break the spell. "Look at me." He repeated it a little louder and found the compliance. He smiled and kissed his husband once more, chastely, then pressed his forehead against Dean's. "I'm never going to hate you," he said firmly. "You didn't get me here, you didn't force to give everything up… I'm doing this because I want to do this. How many times have I told you, 'I don't do anything I don't want to'?"
He smiled at Dean's mumbled reply. "And Gabe didn't die because of you. He died because of that sadistic psychopath. I'm pretty sure he'd agree with me if he were here. It wasn't your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. It's not gonna bring him back."
"No. It isn't," Dean agreed softly. "But I can't forget him. I'm all he had. If I forget…"
"No one's asking you to," Cas chastised, but there was no harshness in his voice. "But you can't keep living like you expect him to walk in through the door any second. Gabe's gone and he's not going to come back. No matter how hard you wish for it. I'm not asking you to move on. There is no moving on for people like us. But you can't keep pushing people away."
"I'm not…" Dean protested.
"Not consciously, but you are," Cas interjected. "You are still grieving, Dean. I'm not the one to judge. I followed you out here because I thought I could find Nick. It took me 12 years and one amazing man to realize that he is gone. I don't compare you with him anymore, because you're not him. You are you. Just like I'm not Gabriel. I'm me. And I love you. That's that."
Dean smiled softly. "Yeah?"
"Yeah," Cas gifted him a smile of his own. "But I'm not going keep paddling this canoe by myself. We're partners and this is an equal partnership and I expect you to man up and step up to the plate."
"You know…" Dean couldn't help himself. He buried his fingers in his over-wise husband's hair and pulled their faces closer. "You are adorably charming when you mix analogies."
"I can have oodles of charm when I want to," Cas agreed haughtily.
Dean gasped and pulled back. "Did you just throw Vonnegut** in my face?"
"I… may have done something to that effect, yes," Cas replied coyly. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"What do you want me to about it?" Dean teased, cocking an eyebrow.
In reply, Cas pulled Dean's legs up to wrap around his waist and wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. "You could take me home and teach me a lesson," he whispered suggestively, pressing their lips together.
Dean woke up in the backseat of his car, to find himself lying half on top of Cas, drooling over his chest. Their clothes lay scattered at their feet. He sat back and stretched as far as he could without waking his sleeping Angel, really grateful that the car had a heater and no one came to this spot. Next time, though, he would have the foresight to bring a blanket or something.
He thought back to last evening, when he had in fit of emotion opened the darkest corners of his heart to Cas. He hadn't wanted anyone to see that side of him, but Cas was more important than his pride. If Cas wanted to go, it would be on his own terms. He promised himself that he would never push Cas away again, no matter what.
Maybe, he decided, I'm finally ready to move on.
Beside him, Cas mumbled in his sleep, the way he usually did, shifting uneasily to find a more comfortable position.
Dean moved back to slip a hand under Cas, pulling him on top. Almost immediately, Cas slotted himself against him, his face in the crook of Dean's neck, an arm and a leg thrown possessively over him and nuzzled his ear. He smiled to himself and kissed the dark curls, then closed his eyes… finally at peace.
A/N 2: *Lani McKenzie is Carmen Electra's character is Baywatch. And while I haven't watched Baywatch, so can't much about the character as such, I don't really expect her to be a rocket-scientist.
My earlier drafts had Gabe nicknaming Carmen after her namesake because she was a totally birdbrained girly-girl.
**Cas' quote is taken from Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions.