Thank you. Thank you, thank you is all that I can say. This is for you, and Cloud and Zack are gay! It rhymes.

Disclaimer: you know, the usual drama.

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Things changed a lot that November.

Miss Scarlet was home at last, and since Edea hardly left her side I barely got to see her. And Joanna too. Sephiroth was looking for a new house closer to the big city, planning to move away by the end of the year, and she worried herself trying to find a new job and getting their affairs in order as a soon-to-be married couple. Of course she was moving with him, and of course he wanted them to get married.

In a parallel and yet so similar universe, Aerith's parents were only getting started with their divorce process. In the early nineties, divorce in Little Traverse was as much of a forbidden fruit as it was back in the sixteen century England. Henry the Eighth probably knew better.

Her mother left town sooner than expected, but she was sensible enough not to take Aerith with her.

Ultimately, it was for the best – she did say to me once, over the worn-out pages of Dostoyevsky's Idiot.

I got a visit from Barret that same week. We hadn't talked in a while – probably since summer ended – and I bumped into him sitting on my doorstep unannounced. The strangest of things happened the minute he saw me: his mouth opened in a huge, warming smile.

"I'm leaving for Nibelheim tomorrow, first thing in the morning!" he said.

"Nibelheim?" I repeated, both doubtful and sternly.

He nodded. "Just got my letter, mate! Stamped an' all."

"When exactly did you tell me you're signing up?" I narrowed my eyebrows.

He laughed, amused, and tried to reach an arm out to pat my head. I flinched in honest distrust. Nibelheim was one of the Midgarian outposts overseas; one of their most advanced stations. The whole village had been evacuated more than ten years ago, and so did the neighbouring districts. On the news, nothing good ever came from Nibelheim – and as another year went on, it didn't change.

He chuckled. "You gotta do what you gotta do, mate. It's survival."

"How?" I nearly yelled – "You're fucking eighteen, Barret. And you have no training! Everybody's angry. Why don't you go on demonstrations or on strike like everyone else? Midgar is chaotic!"

"I didn't think you would understand me, Cloud. You're too genuine, too innocent…" he smiled.

Silence. I felt my whole life weighing on my shoulders. Perhaps I had been too genuine, too innocent all my life, and that is why no one ever took me seriously. But I couldn't accept it. Barret had nothing but his family and his friends. We were the same – we were kids. We shouldn't die on behalf of someone else's problems. I didn't accept it, and yet I let it happen.

And I never heard of him again.

On the 17th Edea made her special arrangements for my birthday dinner. It was a tradition, but it was also about to become something else.

You see, sometimes, when you end up delaying important news, eventually they will come across as secrets – secrets you wanted to keep, secrets you thought best to keep. And it's even worse when someone who always came first, suddenly became the last one to know those secrets, the news you kept delaying. And if this person turned out to be Zack…

Well, it should never be Zack. And yet it was.

"I still can't believe you're leaving!" cried an over-enthusiastic Edea, gently ruffling my hair.

"And our house! Now we can finally rent the house!" said Joanna, excited.

Miss Scarlet smiled, sympathetically. "Well, he might be back earlier than we think… What if he doesn't like it there?"

"I know people in Vane, if that helps…" added a drowsy Rufus, between a shrug and a sip.

"Not at all! Cloud will be extremely well taken care of." rejoiced Aerith, petting William under the table.

I heard their voices, I heard my name, but my eyes wouldn't turn away from him. Across the table, as I nervously, silently bit my nails, he haunted me.

Truth being told, I never got the chance to tell him I had been accepted – or rather, that I had applied to an arts school. I was simply too happy enjoying our time together to remember I did it. I apologised mercilessly of course, nearly promised I wouldn't leave on behalf of his forgiveness. I didn't though; I knew I wouldn't be able to live up to such oath.

We met a couple of days later, in the back of the Graveyard.

"Your mother said you've been out for hours…" I said, approaching him – "I knew you would be here."

Zack didn't say a word. I grabbed his knees, stopped them from rocking back and forth. He smashed his cigarette butt on the cold metal but did not move an inch away from me.

I waited. He wouldn't look at me.

"Are you angry?" I asked. He bit his lower lip, said nothing. "You'll have to talk to me eventually…"

"Explain me why, then." it was a dry, nonchalant response.

"I forgot…" I whispered.

He chuckled, sarcastic. "You forgot to tell me you were leaving."

"That's not it, Zack. I—"

His voice was smooth, his words ruthless. "You're leaving me. That's just it." he said.

I tightened my grip around his knees and pulled myself closer. He turned his eyes away.

"I'm not, I'm not. I promise I'll come visit every free day I get!" I said, nearly out of my breath.

"You'll come visit?" he squinted, his cold hands pushed mine away – "What makes you think I'll be waiting for you? What am I, your cheap wife waiting for you to come home every once in a while?"

He was growing upset and angry and cold. And I deserved all of it.

"I didn't mean it that way…"

"Well, go fuck yourself Cloud!" he fought back, still without shouting.

I watched him turning his back on me and heading away. Any other day I would have left him go, but that morning I couldn't possibly believe he was really leaving me behind. Not like that, and certainly not because of me.

I ran after him, called his name.

"Leave me the fuck alone!" he yelled.

"You can't be serious, Zack. You can't!" I yelled back.

Suddenly he halted, turning around so quickly I nearly bumped into him. He clutched both my arms and leaned closer. I could see he was looking down at my lips as I tried to catch my breath, but I held silent.

"Look!" he wet his lips – "This was a mistake. This was a fucking, sickening, stupid mistake."

I narrowed my eyebrows, straightened my back. "What do you mean, sickening…?" I asked.

He smiled, slowly loosening his grip. It was like the wind never blew again.

"Kissing you was the most disgusting thing I've ever done."

Sickening, yes. I didn't leave my bed for weeks after that. I got literally sick. Maybe that is the hidden power of words. Words are never immoral, they are never wrong, they are never morbid. But they do hurt like metal, they hurt like blades. Words will hold your heart in one hand and shrink it dead. They will do it slowly, devastatingly, echoing against any silent moment.

And you die. To this day I'm sure people have died because of words.

"When Edea and I were little, Grace used to say a little bit of chocolate made everything better."

I didn't move from under the covers.

Joanna chuckled, very softly, cheerlessly.

"I don't have any chocolate with me… But I did buy you something that might cheer you up!"

I kept quiet, barely breathing at all. She tried to tickle me, kissed my head and forehead, and I did turn to her, trying to avoid the blazing light that poured inside from the window.

"I'm sorry I didn't give you this sooner but, well, this was when I could afford it." she said.

I had to sit up straight as she handed me a heavy, badly-wrapped gift in the shape of a rectangle. I unwrapped it in silence to find the most expensive thing I had ever, doubtlessly, owned. It was a varnished wooden case, the most polished-looking drawing kit I've ever seen.

I looked at her in shock.

"Happy Sweet Sixteen, darling." she kissed my forehead again – "I hope it helps."

I knew Joanna could've never afforded something quite like that, not in one hundred years. I also knew Sephiroth, as a college teacher, earned quite well, but I sincerely doubted he would ever help her paying for it. Whoever did is still a mystery to me.

Brand-new material didn't exactly erase my memories, though it played a significant part in taking me out of bed and starting drawing again.

As autumn turned idly into winter, sketches of Aerith and her cats began to stuff Grace's living-room. And so did my portraits of Edea reading, Edea by the window, Edea smiling behind her knitted veil. I learnt how to draw strangers I saw on the streets, people I've known without getting to know them. I made up landscapes, I made up life.

I drew him. I always drew him. I kept those hidden under my bed in an old shoebox.

I also saw him often, more often than I would like it – or did I? He wasn't always laughing or around friends, but he would never look at me.

Yes, because I was disgusting. Or something.

"It's been over a month Cloud…" she muttered, laying her head on her forearm.

"Hum. He never took this long to talk to me…" I sent the marble over to her side of the table.

Ever since her mother left we had been able to spend a lot more time at her house. It was nice.

Aerith sighed. "Maybe he really moved on. I mean… his hormones, you see…?"

I squinted. "What? Are you implying he was just trying to get into my pants?"

She rolled her eyes, flicked the marble back to me. "I think you're too high-maintenance. And Zack seems complicated enough. He should go for something easy…"

"Well, that's a first." I said, sincerely shocked.

She chuckled. "I'm sorry, it came out a little off. I mean, I'm sure he likes you a lot but—"

"A guy has his needs. Right." I shrugged.

"Yes. Exactly. How did you know?" she showed me the tip of her tongue out.

"Edea has been giving me the same crap ever since I was twelve! Like Zack and I are that different."

She was clearly taken aback by my words. Deep inside I guess I was, too. Still, it was no less true. Zack would be eighteen in a few months: two years wasn't an impossible age difference. Our mindset should be pretty much alike. Of course he was always a few steps forward, he always got me thinking about complicated things, with complicated words, but how different could our needs be?

The mere thought of it made me almost bite the tip of my thumb until it bled.

"Cloud?" her voice sounded so distant, so distant I didn't understand she was right before me.

She kissed me, very softly and on the lips. I didn't move.

"What was that?" I asked as she returned to her seat.

"Did you feel anything?" she asked back, matter-of-factly.

"Your… lips?" I was just confused.

"Well, if that's all, I'm not sure your needs are the same as his." she said.

I squinted. "Do you like me?"

"Yes, of course. Like a puppy or a baby brother." she smiled and I knew she meant it.

I couldn't tell if she was right about everything else though, and it was not before January that I came to find the answer.

I had been staying at Grace's since New Year's Eve, after Joanna and Sephiroth moved to the city. Most of my things were already packed then, except from some of my clothing and a few books. I was really leaving though. My life in Vane began in two weeks. By then I had sold most of my landscape paintings and bought myself a plane ticket – it was still cheaper if I shipped off my bags a couple of days earlier, so Aerith's friend should take care of it when they reached land.

I was mentally and physically ready, excited even!

One day before the flight, as I finished packing my clothes, Edea called his name from the landing.

"Zack's here," she said.

They both made it to my room and the air automatically stiffened.

I felt numb and cold and broken all of a sudden. We didn't share a word.

"Eh, yeah, I'm picking Grace up at the casino. Be back in… two hours, maybe?" Edea was nervous.

I briefly looked at her and nodded. She left.

He waited for the front door to close shut. As Edea's car drove away, he came closer. He didn't say a word when he fell to his knees and enclosed my waist in his arms. I didn't touch him right away, but when I did ruffled his hair his embrace became human.

He tightened his grip around me.

"You have to forgive me, you have to forgive me." he wasn't crying or begging or yelling.

I nodded. "I will…" I said, simply and quietly.

He uncovered my stomach and kissed me. His lips were cold, his breath was chilling. It was him.

Finally, he rested his forehead on my belly. "I never meant those words, Cloud…"

I sat down in front of him, "You shouldn't have said them then…!" I said.

"I wanted you to feel miserable like I did…" he bent his knees and nearly covered his face.

"Mission accomplished."

"I know I'm a piece of shit, Cloud…" he moved his hands a lot, growing uneasy – "I know I don't deserve you but I can't stand losing you. I can't and I won't."

He reached for my free hand and began playing with my fingers. It was unfair.

"But I am leaving. Whether you like it or not." I tried to be safe.

He chuckled. "Yeah… But as long as you forgive me I won't go anywhere…" a pause, "I won't go anywhere either way."

He leaned on to kiss me and I let him. It was so unfair, oh so unfair. After a while, he pulled himself up and dragged me towards the bed. He lied on top of me. It was innocent.

"Here. You have to remember this." he said, kissing my forehead.

I almost felt like laughing. "What?"

"You and me. On your bed. Like this!" he explained, very serious.

I smiled. "As long as you don't crush me."

He sighed and made room to lie next to me. It was a small bed, after all… We fell silent for a while. Zack outstretched an arm to hug me and closed his eyes.

"You won't hurt me again…" I said. He kissed my exposed neck.

We didn't say it then – what it was – and maybe we would never do say it out loud.

But as his hand reached mine and our fingers intertwined with one another, we both knew.

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Is it wrong that I love Zack more and more? And review, please?

EDIT: I'm getting pretty excited, writing the following chapters. Just tell me what you think about this so I can know how much/ if I've improved :)