I DO NOT OWN NARUTO
WARNINGS: Kakashi gets a beat down, male bashing (just a name call), poop is said once, the p-word that rhymes with horn is said once and "stars" is after it, mentions of blood and mentions of doing it.
The Bell Has Rung
(Boxing bell? Do you get it?)
"Where is he?" the Hokage questions as she pounds a fist on her desk.
"I just sent three ANBU out for him. It will take at least a couple of minutes," her apprentice answers.
"Noooo," Tsunade corrects her. "It should only take a couple of seconds. I mean he already told us where he's gonna be."
She points at Kakashi's mission request and reads the three locations across.
"His house, the training grounds, or the graveyard."
"Yes," Shizune agrees. "But there are multiple locations within those locations... And what makes you think that he will willingly cooperate with ANBU orders if he is fully aware of what he has done."
Tsunade grins evilly and places her intertwined fingers under her chin. Her elbows support the weight of her head.
"Oh, he will."
"Aaiieee!" Shizune screams as she cowers away. "What did you do to him? Did you drug him?"
It's not uncommon behavior for the female sannin. She drugged Jiraiya when he came looking for her and before him, she drugged many debt collectors due to her gambling sprees.
She rolls her eyes and leans back in her chair.
Waving a hand she says "Of course not! Jeez Shizune, you always expect the worst from me."
Her black-haired assistant sighs in relief.
'That's all I ever see.'
A smile returns on the Godaime's face.
"But he won't miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime... Especially if the ANBU tell him that I have the fourth book from that stupid series he reads... What was it called again?"
She starts snapping her fingers, deep in thought.
"Ah-ha!" she exclaims, raising her index finger. "Icha Icha Porn Stars."
Shizune sweat drops.
"It's actually just Icha Icha. The words after that are book titles, distinguishing one from the other and are the basis to what the books are about."
"So, you read them?" she asks.
"No!", Shizune quickly answers, her cheeks flushing red. "Kakashi-san talks about it all the time when Genma and I hang around him."
The Hokage nods.
"But I see one major flaw in your plan," her student tells her.
Tsunade raises an eyebrow.
"What?"
"I'm pretty sure Kakashi-san knows the author is dead."
Her master raises a finger.
"Ah, but he'll also know that this book was long and recently found... It was also signed to his biggest fan, Hatake Kakashi."
She picks up the mission request with his name and reads it over, again.
"You can't seriously think he'll believe that," Shizune comments.
"He's a man," Tsunade states. "He's stupid... He'll believe anything, especially something as important to him as this."
"Are you sure about that?" her student asks, doubt in her voice.
The blonde nods.
She holds up the piece of paper and asks, "By the way, how long has this been up?"
"Since last night I believe," Shizune replies.
"Good," Tsunade says. "So, only idiots saw it."
Shizune opens her mouth to say something, but the door flies open instead.
"Where is it?" Kakashi questions, a sparkle in his black eye. "Where is my new book?"
His arms are open wide, inviting the whole world in for a hug. Tsunade growls and Shizune moves out of the way.
"Hatake, I hope you wrote your will," she tells him.
"Huh?"
He looks at her confused as she raises out of her seat.
"'Cause I'm about to kill you!"
He turns around to run, but she jumps over her desk and onto his back causing him to face plant.
"I got you now!" she tells him.
She places one hand on the back of his head and grabbing as much hair as possible, she pulls him toward her, stretching his neck.
"Owwwoooo!" he howls like a dog.
His hands grip her wrist trying to pry himself free, or at least ease the pain.
"No, please! I'm sorry!"
Shizune starts inching toward the door, not wanting to become a part of the mess.
"I'm just gonna..."
She leaves and quietly closes the door, allowing the two their privacy.
"How dare you! You little piece of-"
"Language!" her assistant reminds her from the opposite side of the door.
"Poop!" she finishes.
"I'm sorry!" Kakashi cries.
Tsunade slams his face onto the floor. She gets off to turn him over and then takes a seat on his body, again. She grabs his collar and starts shaking him.
"Wake up! Wake up!" she commands. "I want you to look at me while I kill you!"
"Huh?"
His eye starts opening. When he sees the angry woman he screams.
"Aaaaah!"
"I am not one of your little friends!" she tells him.
He holds up his hands in defense.
"Ano, please wait-"
"I am your boss!" she yells and her right hand connects with his left jaw.
She punches him again in the same location and then once in his right jaw. Hatake groans in pain. He loses consciousness, again and Tsunade takes a break. She takes a deep breath and opens her eyes to see Kakashi's.
"Are you done?" he asks her.
She growls at this and then wraps her fingers around his neck. As he grip tightens, Kakashi finds it harder to breathe. He grabs onto her arm trying to push her hands away.
"Ts-Tsunade," he tries to get her to stop.
Her hands close harder and he looks at the evil smile on her face.
'She's really trying to kill me!'
He uses his right hand to push her face away.
"I'm gonna bite you if you don't stop!" she tells him.
Her mouth opens, but Kakashi doesn't listen. When his middle finger enters her warm cavern, her jaw closes shut.
"Owwooooo!" he howls, again and quickly pulls his bleeding tactile member away from danger.
He uses his left hand to grip his right wrist and hold his injury up.
"I cant believe you..."
She stops when she realizes Hatake is crying.
She loosens her grip on his neck considerably as she questions, "Kakashi?".
He sobs.
"You bit my hand."
He holds it higher for her to see. Blood is dripping down the longest one.
She removes her hands from his neck and looking at it, she shamefully says, "I know".
"But I use that hand!"
She rolls her eyes and sighs.
88888
"Why did you think this would be acceptable?" she asks the silver haired ninja, now standing in front of her desk.
Kakashi has a bandage covering his wound and Tsunade can see the blood seeping through when he hands back his request. He places his hands in his pocket and answers.
"Well, I thought that since you got to chose who I marry, then I get to chose who you marry."
"But I'm not getting married," she tells him.
"Oh, yes you are," he corrects her.
She crosses her arms under her chest and leans back in her chair.
"If you want me to get married, then you have to do the same... It seems like a pretty fair deal... Don't you think?"
She takes a moment.
'I'm gonna die soon so, Kakashi's happiness for a long time over mine for a couple of years.'
Tsunade nods.
"Sounds good."
Kakashi grins under his mask.
"Good... Your future husband will be Iruka Umino. The wedding will be on the same day as mine so, you might want to get to know him soon."
'So, he was trying to flirt with me... that little cheating, lying, son of a... I'll have plenty of time to hurt him after our wedding'.
"Alright then," she agrees.
"I'll see you Tuesday," he says.
She nods.
He turns around to leave, but turns back.
"By the way, where is my book?"
She raises an eyebrow.
"What book?"
"Icha Icha Mobile Adventures," he tells her.
"oh," she says. "That was a lie."
His eye starts twitching.
"What?"
"But if it were real, I can already tell you what it would be about," she responds. "Two people doing it in a transportation vehicle... Don't worry, you're not missing out on anything important."
She dismisses him with a wave of her hand, but he remains put. He glares at her.
"What?" she asks, annoyed by his stare.
"You-"
"Language!" Shizune warns.
"Witch," Hatake says.
Tsunade grins.
"Well, have fun on your date with Halle (Berry)."
"It's Hana," Kakashi replies.
"Whatever."
"And you have fun on your date with Iruka," he counters.
"I will!" she tells him and he turns around to exit.
'I can do this. I won't back out.'
'She can't do this. She'll back out.'
*****End of chapter 5. I have to admit, this chapter by far has been my favorite to write, type, whatever. Some of the words and/or phrases have double meanings, but only the good actually go with the story. It's rated T, after all. Anyways thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. If not... What are you smoking? Lol, jk, so you didn't. Either way have a nice rest of your day! (")#(")*****