Reid held tightly to the harsh, cold metal of one of the coffin handles. His fingers were wrapped so tightly around it that his fingernails were digging into his palm but he didn't care, he'd felt too much pain leading up to the funeral for a few scratches to hurt him now. As they got closer to the grave he felt tears pricking at his eyes but he wouldn't let them give out, he carried on walking, one foot in front of the other.

They stopped once they got to the grave and gently placed her down, JJ stepping forward and placing the white flowers Emily had asked for on top of the coffin. Reid stepped back and stared at the coffin, he could distantly hear the priest saying a few words but he didn't pay attention, Emily didn't believe in the church, not since she was fifteen and they outcast her for having an abortion.

She felt JJ brush against him as she walked forward and placed a red rose on Emily's coffin. After her came Morgan, then Ashley, Garcia, Rossi, Hotch and finally Reid. His feet felt so heavy and his legs were so tired but he pushed on until he was standing next to the coffin as he leant forward and placed the last rose on the hard black material.

He felt the tears fighting with him now, this was it. Her death had ended everything they had together but to see it all summed up with a big black box and seven red roses... it changed something inside him. It made him feel empty, like he was the one who was dead and not her.

"I love you" He whispered under his breath before the team joined him, JJ and Ashley either side of him, Garcia opposite on the other side of the coffin, Rossi and Morgan either side of her and Hotch at the end of the coffin. The priest finished up his speech then Hotch started talking about how she was always loyal, honest and brave.

Reid wanted to say something, he wanted to tell everyone about how beautiful and special she was, but he couldn't sum it up. He couldn't begin to tell them how much she really meant to him, so he just stood in silence and watched the coffin being lowered into the ground. He had been told by the cemetery director that the headstone could be placed once the ground had settled, so as to prevent the headstone slanting, which would probably be within the next fortnight.

As the service came to an end they all drifted away from the grave, Rossi had invited everyone to an after- funeral wake and Reid guessed most people would be going there. Once everyone had left he began a quick walk in the opposite direction towards his car. He hopped in and drove back to his apartment.

Once in the lounge he noticed the stack of grief counselling leaflets as well as funeral arrangement numbers and coffin catalogues on his coffee table. He grabbed an empty wastepaper bin and pushed all of it into it but it wasn't enough, he wanted it gone forever, not just put into a trashcan. So he grabbed a box of matches from the kitchen and took the bin down into the parking lot.

He quickly lit a match and dropped it into the bin, watching as the flimsy paper turned to ash quickly while the glossy front covers of the catalogues shrivelled before being destroyed by the fire. The flames licked up the sides of the can and wherever it touched the metal had turned black but Reid didn't care, he could pick up another trashcan identical to the now burnt one any time.

Once the fire finally died out there was just a small pile of ash at the bottom of the can which Reid's eyes fixed on. He'd expected some kind of release once it was gone, but he felt nothing. It was like he hadn't done anything at all. He kicked the can out of frustration and it flew across the parking lot.

He jogged up the metal stairs up to his apartment and quickly walked into the bedroom, pulling open Emily's wardrobe door and peering inside till he found the sweater he had hung back up in their once he found out she was dead. He gently took it off the hang and sat down on the edge of the bed, stroking the edge of the sleeve and taking in her beautiful scent.

"I miss you, Emily" He whispered into the soft fabric. "I…" He whispered but his voice broke and finally the flood of tears poured out of his eyes, the lump in his throat stopping him from talking for a few moments. "I need you" He pleaded into the sweater, his efforts to somehow bring her back futile.

He let the final tears slip out of his eyes and onto his cheeks before he pulled his face out of the sweater and looked over to the photo frame JJ had given Emily for Christmas. He reached across and grabbed it then walked back to the car. Once in the car he dropped the sweater on the passenger seat and gently placed the photo frame on top.

He laid his head on the steering wheel and tried to control his breathing before he started the engine and drove into the nearest town. He tucked the car into a tight spot in a parking lot safe from anyone trying to rob it then began walking round the town.

It had gotten dark and he wasn't too familiar with that area of town but he soon found himself in a street with prostitutes and other questionable people walking around. He took a deep breath, pulled out his wallet and took out the majority of his money, only leaving enough to buy one small vial of dilaudid.

He scanned the crowd and picked his best choice before slowly approaching, keeping his wallet in his front pocket out of view. The transaction was quick, Reid handed over the money and in return and the little familiar container was placed in his hand.

He took it back to his car, getting a needle from the first aid kit in his boot and quickly got into the driver's seat. In a rush he pushed up his shirt sleeve and grabbed the needle, ready to fill it with what would truly make him feel better, even if it was only for a little while.

Reid paused just before the needle punctured the seal of the vial as his eyes caught sight of the sweater and picture. He placed the needle and vial on his dash and picked up the picture, Emily's big brown eyes stared out at him, she was so happy in that picture… He promised himself he'd never touch dilaudid again once he got clean, he promised Emily the same thing when he confessed he still thought about it. For almost three years he'd avoid this area of town because of its reputation. But there he was, ready to inject himself with the memories of the woman he loved more than anything lying next to him.

He carefully placed the photo back where it was then grabbed the needle and vial and swung open the car door. Once standing he threw both items onto the floor and stamped on them until the glass was in tiny fragments. Once he was satisfied he jumped back in the car, tears streaming down his face as he started the engine and drove as fast as he could.

After a while he had stopped concentrating on where he was going, he was driving for the sake of it when his eyes caught a familiar street sign and quickly followed the mental directions he gave himself to a little house with a garden out front. He pulled himself out of the car and stumbled to the door, almost like he was drunk.

He roughly knocked on the door and stood back, wiping the remaining tears from his face as he did so.

There was some noise behind the door then it swung open."Spence?" She asked before seeing his eyes were welling up already and pulling him into a hug. She held him tight for a few moments then pulled him inside, tears were streaming down his face thick and fast as he tried his best to say something. She slowly sat him down and hugged him again.

He clung to her as hard as he could and sobbed into her shoulder, all he could think about was that in his pursuit to get rid of the pain he'd broken one of his only promises to Emily. He struggled to regain his breath but as soon as he could he swallowed and wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"She's dead, JJ. Emily's dead" He whispered. Now he was truly broken. He though before in the hospital they'd taken everything from him but he was wrong, they'd put him in so much pain that he'd given them the last little piece of himself. Now he really was nothing.