Reid's eyes slowly opened and he rubbed the sleep out of them as he sat up. His head moved this way and that as he remembered falling asleep in JJ's spare room after turning up at 3am crying. He looked over to his side and saw it was 6:00am so he slowly got up and neatly made the bed then silently walked out of the room.

First he looked for JJ's phone; he found it on the side in the kitchen so he quickly muted it then walked into the dining room. There he found JJ's house keys sitting on the table so he unlocked the door, got outside, relocked the door and dropped the keys through the letter box.

He shivered in the cold morning air and hurriedly made his way to his car, driving as fast as he could away from her house. He knew where he needed to go, he'd been waiting to go since the day of the funeral and the message on his phone telling him he could finally go sent him into the spiral of tears that had led him to JJ's house again.

He already had the directions mapped out in his head and the streets were clear apart from a few night workers coming home. He felt his fingers starting to tingle as he got closer and soon both hands were completely numb and his feet felt like cement blocks. He drove into the car park, grabbed the sweater and picture frame he'd yet to remove from his car, popped the glove box open and grabbed his gun, slinging into its holder then hopped out of the car and began a brisk walk.

He could tell the temperature had warmed slightly since he was last outside but it was still a shock to the pleasant warmth of the car. As he turned a corner he saw the willow tree hanging down, pointing towards the grave that now had its headstone. His heart rate increased but he pushed himself on until he found himself at the edge of the grave, his eyes scanning the writing on the headstone over and over.

He reached into his pocket and quickly found Morgan's number and called it. "Hey, it's Morgan" He said in his relaxed, chilled out voice. "I can't come to the phone right… You know what to do" He said then the beep came.

"Hey Morgan… I know you're not one to wake up early… it's Sunday so you'll still be tired from whatever fun you got up to the night before" He said with a little smile as he thought of his flirty friend. "I… I'm sorry. I'm not good at apologies but I owe you one. I owe you all one. I'm sorry for what I need to do but I promise it's for the best. I'd never do this to you if it wasn't going to help. I'm not going to move on from her, Morgan. I'll never be able to forget about how much I hurt her, Hotch said I'll be able to look back happily on this but I don't believe him. All I believe is if I don't get out now I'll end up on that stuff again or…" He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I really am sorry, Morgan. You're strong though; believe me when I say it. You'll get over me… I know this will hurt you know but let it make you stronger. That's what you told me after... after Hankel… this is my turn to do you a favour" He said then hung up and searched for JJ's number.

He already knew it would go onto the answer phone; it was just a matter of waiting. "Hey, this is JJ" Her voicemail played, if it had been work she wouldn't have used JJ but Reid made sure to call her personal phone like he'd done with Morgan. "Sorry I can't come to the phone right now but leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you" He could practically hear the smile on her face, he was sure he could hear Henry giggling in the background.

The loud beep came and Reid cleared his throat. "Hey JJ, It's me" He said, his voice barely above a whisper as he remembered how he had left voicemails like this when Emily went missing. "I'm sorry JJ… I'm sorry I'm just not strong enough… I really want to be but I'm not. I… I want to be there for Henry when he graduates high school and get him into college and be there for whatever he needs" He whispered, his voice getting quieter and weaker as he thought about his innocent little godson.

"He's still got Garcia, though" He said with a sad smile. "She'll get him into Yale, JJ. By time he even got to that age I'd already have driven myself crazy and be institutionalised like my mom… I'm losing my mind over Emily… And calling those guys to take my mom was the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't want you to have to do the same for me" He whispered.

"I'm sorry, JJ. Tell Henry I love him and now I'm his own little angel" He whispered, closed his contacts and opened up voice recorder. He hit record and took another deep breath.

"I'm sorry I can't apologise privately to you all. You all deserve to know how much you meant to me… but I need to go soon. Just please know that this isn't your fault. None of you could have stopped this… It just needs to happen" He said, the final sentence a whisper as he let a single tear slide down his cheek.

"You guys were the greatest friends I've ever had and I'm sorry I couldn't be the same for all of you. You were the closest I had to a family in a very long time… You always accepted and trusted me… I've never felt more at home than when I was with you" He whispered, as his eyes focused on the headstone.

"I love you all and… I'm really sorry" He said, finally breaking down into tears. "Bye" He whispered then hung up, dropping his phone on the ground. He gently laid the photo frame on the ground next to the headstone, he knew it belonged at home but he didn't want it to be cleared out with everything and for someone to decide its fate. He wanted them to know it was special to him.

He draped the sweater over the headstone then opened his gun, it was fully loaded but he took all but one of the bullets out. He spun the barrel then slammed it into place, hearing the familiar noises of the Russian roulette Hankel had played with him. He popped it open and saw he wouldn't have fired the bullet so he did it again and again until it finally landed on the right.

He picked the other bullets out of his pockets and reloaded the gun. "Just encase" He whispered as he picked up the sweater and made his way to the end of the grave so that he could read the headstone one last time.

He gripped tightly to the sweater as he shakily placed the gun to his right temple. He closed his eyes and brought the sweater up to his face so he could smell that sweet perfume just one last time. He thought about Emily's beautiful face, how she tilted her head and the little laugh she saved just for him. His mind was drifting but he knew he had plenty of time, after all he'd be dead soon anyway.