Morgan gave Reid his best attempt at a smile as he walked into JJ's living room with Reid sitting nervously on one of the armchairs in the corner. Reid returned the smile with his own little awkward half smile and pushed a few strands of hair out if his face. "How're you feeling?" Morgan asked as he sat down on the sofa.
"Alright, I guess" Reid replied quietly, embarrassment obvious in his voice. "I'm sorry about the voicemail and everything" He added quietly while he avoided eye contact.
"Forget about it" Morgan replied and looked harder at Reid. "Hotch wants to see you today… Strauss has asked for everyone to be assessed and given appropriate help and he thought it best if it could be done within the team…" Reid looked up at him for the first time in what felt like forever with an obviously worried look on his face. "Don't worry about, I had mine this morning. You'll be fine" Morgan added in hopes it would relax him a bit.
"I was thinking about going back to my own apartment soon" Reid quietly stated.
"Are you sure you're ready for that?" Morgan asked and sat up a bit to get a better look at him.
"I'll feel better when I'm at home" Reid answered and nervously scratched at his arm where a couple of the Dilaudid injections had become infected and were now tiny scars.
"I'll take you back after you see Hotch, if you want?" Morgan asked and sat back a little.
"Whatever's best for you" Reid replied and gave another awkward smile.
"Hotch said you can drop by any time today" Morgan stated after a long pause. He waited for Reid to say something but he just gave him a little nod. "When do you want me to take you?" Morgan softly prompted him.
"Oh, uh, anytime… Now if it's alright with you?" Reid asked and sat forward a tad.
"Sure Morgan replied as he stood, grabbed his car keys off the table and proceeded to the door with Reid trailing behind. Once in the car there was a long silent drive to the office only broken by Reid occasionally clearing his throat.
"I'll wait for you here" Morgan said warmly as he stopped by the steps that led from the bullpen to Hotch's office. Reid paused for a moment then nodded and continued up until he stood by Hotch's door. He softly knocked and almost immediately Hotch told him to come in, Morgan gave him one last smile before he disappeared inside.
"Take a seat" Hotch said; his formality was slightly less than usual as he pointed to the chair on the other side of his desk. Reid slowly sat down and waited nervously for Hotch to speak again. "You know I never wanted to have this conversation with you, Reid, but we can't deny what happened to Prentiss" Hotch began quietly as he thought of all the lies he was telling to the already fragile man.
"I know" Reid quietly replied as he picked at his fingernails.
"What happened to Prentiss wasn't your fault, Reid. You're going to want to blame yourself but it isn't going to help you" Hotch stated, hating himself even more as he saw what his words were doing to Reid.
"But it was my fault" Reid quietly protested, his voice barely above a whisper as it shook from the struggle to keep the tears down.
"I thought the same thing about Haley…" Hotch stated shakily, having to say that was the hardest part.
"Why do you even bother with this job, Hotch?" Reid finally snapped and looked dead into the man's eyes as tears were obvious in his own. "Why do you just carry on after everything? Your wife is dead, your son is never gonna see his mom again but you just carry on" Reid said angrily as he let his emotions out. "Why do you still care after everything?"
"Because I want Jack to grow up in a country that is safe. Because I want him and kids his age to play out in their yards without their parents worrying about paedophiles snatching them while they look away. Because I want Haley's death to mean something" He replied angrily and sat up a little in his chair.
"If you couldn't keep a trained FBI agent safe how do you expect to keep a whole country safe?" Reid spat out angrily and sat back in his chair.
Hotch took a moment to calm himself down before replying "I don't expect to keep a whole country safe. The truth is there will always be murderers and rapists and paedophiles but every life we save is a small victory. Every weapon we take from them, every prison sentence they serve is a victory. That's what makes me carry on- that's what makes everything worth it"
Reid ground his teeth together and gave Hotch a hard look before he let out a little laugh, got up and went for the door. He grabbed the handle and just before he closed the door behind him, with his voice full of anger and venom, he spat "Well, who got to decide Emily wasn't worth it"