A/N: I am so sorry for the delay! My term was crazy. I'm not going to promise to have the next chapter up soon but it will be up, never fear. This story will be completed after chapter 6 hopefully! Hope the holidays have been good. Enjoy!
To say Dani was livid about what Paige told her would be an understatement. "I can't believe she said that."
Paige was laying on Dani's bed and nodded for what felt like the fifth time, "Yep."
"Why, I just want to-"
Paige sat us and grabbed Dani's hands, she pulled Dani toward her, "Shh, you're not going to do anything, okay? You're just going to come here and be with me."
Dani couldn't help the grin that spread. "I like the sound of that."
Paige pulled Dani on top of her and kissed her soundly, "We have half an hour until I have to leave for home."
"Oh?" Dani quirked an eyebrow, "Plenty of time then."
"I've found myself in a bit of a sticky mess and I'm not sure where to go from here."
"Okay," Pastor John leaned back in his chair and took a slow sip from his tea. "Tell me what's going on."
Paige fingered her cup of peppermint teas and took a moment. "I want to talk about forgiveness and friendship."
"Alright. Good topic. Go ahead."
"I recently had a fight with someone who I consider a friend. I mean, we've been on the outs for a while now so I'm not sure she even considers us friends anymore. I know some really shitty things have happened in her life, but I don't think that is really much of an excuse for being shitty to me." Paige paused and looked at the Pastor, he smiled, unfazed by her language. "It just seems like she really doesn't care about our friendship at all. And there is still this huge part of me that wants to forgive her for what she's said because I know I regret some of what I said too. We're not perfect, you and I have talked about that, and that reason is why I'd like to forgive her, but I want to know the paint where it's just not responsible to what I need to keep her in my life."
Pastor John chuckled a little, "You've been reading those books I suggested, haven't you?"
"Maybe a little bit," Paige ducked her head. "They've been really helpful."
"Have they? I'm glad." Paige nodded and looked at him. "Oh! Right." He cleared his throat. "I think you're asking very important questions, ones that definitely deserve answers. If I may, I have some question for you that might help you answer some of those questions yourself."
"Alright."
"How long have you 'been on the outs' as you said?"
"We've been back and forth but I guess since freshman year of high school. She became friends with someone and completely threw everyone else away except her new friends."
"Do you think that's a trait you'd like to have in a friend?"
Paige sighed deeply, "No, I mean it felt really crappy when it happened to me, I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone else. But I still feel such a connection to her and that's why I'm so torn."
"Paige," his eyes were kind, "I feel like there is a whole other level here that you're leaving out. I hope you know you can trust me, anything you say to me stays with me. And God of course, but you and I both know He's a great guy, and He loves His children. You could tell me you had murdered someone and while I might question your choices and suggest you turn yourself in, I wouldn't turn you in myself. This time here is like a Catholic's confession box, okay?"
Paige took a large sip of her tea and winced when it burned down her throat. She debated with herself for what felt like over ten minutes before she spoke again. "I like her. No, I'm pretty sure I love her. And it's taken me such a long time to even think of it like that." She looked at Pastor John, her eyes watering, he smiled, encouraging. "I know my father wouldn't approve. He's already told me I can't see her."
He sighed, "Your father is a strong willed man."
"I know," Paige leaned back in her chair, crumpling over the weight of her admission. Pastor John was probably one of the few people she really looked up to and wanted to have them be proud of her.
"Hey," he reached across the desk and squeezed her hand lightly, "You're okay. I want you to know that. You're very brave."
"Am I? I'm hiding from everyone and my father. How is that brave?"
"Paige, you are in a difficult situation. I don't think anyone would deny that. Any like you said earlier, you need to do what's best for you. How are you feeling about the whole thing?"
"I've had my moments. Half the time I don't know how I'm really feeling about it. I've tried to deny it, tried to convince myself that all it would take for me to be normal would be to find the right guy."
Pastor John sighed, "Paige, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. It can be really difficult to separate what others think you should be from what you are and what you think you should be. Sometimes you have to just let all that go and trust God. I know that may sound like a cop out, but maybe forcing yourself into this 'ideal' box isn't doing yourself any favors. Remember that God doesn't make mistakes, even if it seems like He is making one on you. He's not cruel, even though some people claim He is. He has reasons. Trust in Him."
Paige looked at Pastor John's desk, a photograph popped out at her. A clearly younger Pastor John had his arms wrapped around a young man who appeared to be graduating from high school. They both looked so happy, so normal.
"My brother," Pastor John supplied after seeing where her gaze landed. "He's serving in Afghanistan right now. He has about a 13 months left in this tour."
"Wow," Paige swallowed hard, "My-Emily, my friend, her dad is in the military, I'm not sure which branch. I don't even know how she does it." Paige set her mug down, tea long since cold. "How do you do it? Being away from someone you love?"
He smiled, "It's kind of how you dealt with the passing of your mother. Day at a time. It's easier knowing that he's doing something he loves for the country he loves. It's the same as anything else you do. Do what you love and everything else will fall in place, if they don't, maybe that's something that wasn't meant to be. I think think we all worry too much, Paige. you have to live some time too, no matter what the naysayers may throw at you. You are stronger than that. Believe in yourself."
She looked at him and found herself smiling, "Thank you."
"Thank yourself for being honest and being real. It's refreshing."
"I won't forget that."
"I wish you were here, Mom. I could really use your help." Paige rested her head against the gently weathered stone. "Dad doesn't understand, anything it feels like. I'm so alone here sometimes. Well, I mean, I'm not alone. I have Pastor John and Dad, and Dani. You would really like Dani, Mom. She's actually some of the things I wanted to talk to you about. Do you remember when you told me to never be afraid to be myself? Well, Mom, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I tell everyone the truth, especially Dad, they won't understand. It's hard enough to make friends already. I don't want to add something else.
"Well, Pastor John seems okay with it all, I've been talking to him a lot since you died. I guess I've been making sure that when I die, I can see you again. Don't worry, Mom, things are really good here for the most part, I won't be seeing you for a longtime yet. I think I have a better grasp on reality now, more-so than a couple years ago. I don't want you to worry about me, though I know it's your job. Even know, right?"
Paige laid down the flowers she had brought with her next to the stone, "I know these aren't your favorite, but those aren't in season so I thought these were beautiful, just like you." Paige sighed, "Mom, if I tell you this, it'll make it real, more real than telling anything else. You always loved me most." Paige cleared her throat, "Mom, I'm gay. I really am. And I've been so afraid of what everyone would say that I've been lying to so many people, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sneaking around. I'm tired of lying. I'm just tired." Paige felt weary as she spoke, all the emotions she had built up finally spilling out. "I'm so lost, Mom. I wish you were here, I could really use some guidance.
"I like this girl, I really do, but the problem is that I also like someone else. I like Dani, Danielle, but I'm pretty sure that I love Emily. And that is a huge problem because I'm dating Dani and I'm pretty sure that Emily wants nothing to do with me, if what she said last time we talked is any indication. But that right there is a problem, that I'm even thinking that way, as if Dani is some consolation prize or not as good as Emily would be. I just don't know what to do, Mom, and all the people I could talk to about this are involved in some way."
Paige stood up slowly from where she was perched, "I could always talk to Melanie I suppose, she knows all the players, but isn't involved much more than that. Yeah, that might work," Paige mumbled to herself, "But I still have some time, I need to think about all this further." Paige gathered her belongings and turned to face her mother's grave, "I love you, and I'm trying to make you proud."
The wind blowed gently, caressing her face and she was almost convinced that she could hear and feel her mother's voice envelope her, "You do make me proud, baby, all the time." Paige smiled sadly and walked back to her bicycle, it was going to be strange being around Dani until Paige knew exactly how she felt about both Dani and Emily respectively. A very strange time indeed.
A month had passed before Paige finally talked to Melanie. In the meantime Maya had left town under the instruction of her parents to some camp that Paige was unfamiliar with. She shuddered to think if the camp was one of those "straight" camps that people liked to pretend didn't actually exist. Call Paige paranoid, but she was almost certain that her father would be one of the people to be able to find one.
It was a Friday when Paige asked Melanie to meet her at the deli after school and practice. "Sure thing," Mel said, gliding away. "I'll see you then."
Practice ended and soon Paige found herself swept up in the hustle to leave the school. Melanie was waiting for her outside when she finally arrived. "Hi." Paige smiled tightly, "How are you?"
"Starving, how about you? Do you want anything?"
"Just a turkey sandwich," Paige followed her inside, "But You don't have to-"
"Don't be silly, it's like four dollars so chill."
Paige huffed and looked around, "I'll grab us a table."
"Cool, be right there."
Paige took a seat and looked around the relatively small room. There was enough space for about five relatively small tables and their corresponding chairs. She exhaled heavily and slumped in her chair, "Damnit."
The sound of the plates hitting the table startled her, "Penny for your thoughts?"
"You sure they're worth it?" Paige asked wryly.
"Well, I mean, I'll hear them for free, you don't have to pay me." Melanie winked at Paige, or attempted to, her entire face squished.
Paige couldn't help but laugh, leave it to Mel to lighten any and every situation. "Thanks." She took a small bite of her sandwich and willed for it to not taste as dry as her mouth was, "I need some advice."
Melanie swallowed her substantially larger bite and grinned, "Lay it on me. I can try my best."
"You have to promise not to talk to Dani about this, okay? It's about her and me," she paused, "And Emily."
"Ah," Melanie leaned forward, "I see. What's up?" Paige bit off her slight surprise at Mel apparently being caught up on what was going on. "Oh please, as if you two were any sort of subtle. Sorry-continue."
"Right, so...Dani and I have been dating for a while now. Four months, I think." At Melanie's scoff she rolled her eyes. "Sorry, my memory isn't fantastic."
"That should be something you remember," Melanie mumbled. "Continue."
"Anyway, I don't know if you know everything that happened with Emily."
"From my understanding it was more like what didn't happen."
"Fair enough." Paige felt herself starting to get frustrated, "Can I get to what I need help with?"
"Okay, sorry, I'm done now. Promptly shutting up." With that, Mel took another large bite and looked toward Paige expectantly.
"Right, so I started dating Dani and I wasn't sure about my feelings for either her or Emily and I told Dani as much. But I also knew that I wanted to give it a try because I would regret it if I didn't." Paige took a sip of her water, "Dani has made me so happy, even with my dad refusing to make anything easy. I've talked only to the people I trust about this: Pastor John, my mom, and now you."
Melanie's eyes widened, "Isn't your mom-" she floundered.
"Dead, yes. I mean I was talking to her gravestone."
"Right." Melanie shook her head slightly.
"I'm not that strange, Mel. Don't worry."
"Good," Melanie laughed and prompted Paige to continue.
"Well, I know I like Dani. But at the dame time I also like Emily, and now with Maya gone..." Paige trailed off.
"I can't tell you what to do, Paige, but I can tell you what I would like to have happen if I were in Dani's position." Paige studied her intently, "Talk to her and tell her the truth. Be honest and let her know how you're feeling. Relationships are built on trust and communication. No matter what it is you decide, Dani need to be involved in the process, she deserves that if you truly care about her."
"You're right. I've been a horrible person."
"No you have not, Paige." Melanie reached across the table and squeezed her hand. "You're just confused."
Paige smiled tightly and squeezed back. Outside the deli she heard a loud commotion. Her father stood by the window with his eyes affixed on their joined hands. "Shit." It looked as if he had dropped whatever was in his hands. Paige pulled back from Melanie whose mouth had dropped in horror. "Shit."