The Eyes of the Moon

by eiluned price

Sometimes one thing changes everything. When Edward encounters Bella in biology class, that one thing sends their destinies spinning in a different direction. A translation of "Les Yeux de la Lune" by Elysabeth. AU.

9. Theory

Chapter 9: Theory

Disclaimer: SMeyer owns "Twilight." Elysabeth owns "Les Yeux de la Lune."

Well, this took more weeks than I would have expected. If it's any consolation, it's a respectably long chapter.

Chapter 9: Theory

Why does time fly when you're enjoying yourself and drag on when you're experiencing something painful?

We remained a long time next to the cliffs. We no longer talked, but we were stretched out alongside each other in the grass. We accepted the silent presence of the other simply for what it was: restful, mute, calm. Bella had closed her eyes, soothed by the sound of the waves, while I stared up at the night sky, or more specifically at the moon that adorned it. We were isolated from the rest of the world, each lost in our own thoughts. I once more wanted to know what Bella's mind was hiding, and if her thoughts were as strangely serene as mine.

I wondered that because, although she seemed calm on the surface, her heart hadn't returned to its normal cadence since I had revealed my secret truth to her.

Time was conspiring against us. And there was only one way available to get her home at an early enough hour so that Charlie wouldn't send the police force searching for his daughter: me. Bella had agreed to let me serve as her means of transport.

I had already been … molded to Bella before. After all, I had taken her in my arms to save her from the van, and just a few hours earlier, I had done the same to show her … my nature. But those moments of contact had been only reflexes. And had lasted barely a minute. In this case, I would be holding her for at least a 15-minute run.

I shook off my fears.

I could do it. I just wouldn't breathe. That was the key. I decided to act immediately so I wouldn't find other reasons to dissuade myself. I picked Bella up and hoisted her effortlessly on my back. She didn't expect me to move so quickly and she gasped. Nonetheless, she settled on me without protest.

I tried, in vain, to ignore the effect of her arms around my neck, of her legs wrapped around my hips, of her heart beating ever more strongly in solo against my back. Was it I who made her so nervous? Or the run ahead? Both, probably.

And if I had a working heart, it would have been hammering along with Bella's.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Ready."

I took off at a slow, prudent pace into the heart of the forest, observing all the reactions of the feather I was carrying. I twisted around trees, gliding over the grass as smoothly as I could. I ran, feeling buoyant and light-hearted. It was second nature to me, something natural. I was in my element.

"Are you really running?" she asked me.

I didn't stop, but I had to yell over the wind I created. "Of course I'm running, Bella!"

Her laugh rang right next to my ear. "You don't run; you fly!"

A second crystalline laugh vibrated from my ears into my chest. Was I misunderstanding her, or was she truly enjoying this run?

"When you were in my Volvo, you didn't seem to like speed," I said, perplexed but amused.

"I said that would have been the case if I could have seen the countryside pass by. This … this sensation, it's … Wow!"

Bella apparently did like it.

"Then hold on, spider monkey," I called, encouraged by her high spirits.

I became more daring: I leapt over a stream, jumped from boulder to boulder, and ran even faster. My movements didn't seem to frighten her, to go by her laughs and squeals.

It was easier that I would have thought. Running into the wind blew her scent away from me, so I didn't have to fear breathing in her intoxicating fragrance. Only the knowledge that our time together would soon end bothered me. Intensely.

We reached Bella's house much too quickly for my liking. I had to stop at the edge of the forest. Even if it was night, we shouldn't risk attracting attention to the vampire and his passenger flying faster than the wind.

"We're here." I crouched so Bella's feet could more easily reach the ground. I had an unpleasant feeling of loss when her body was no longer clinging to mine.

"Already?" she said, sounding as disappointed as I felt. Was she disappointed that her amusement park ride was over, or because we had to pull away from each other? I didn't dare ask for fear that her answer wouldn't be the same as mine.

"That was … amazing!"

The wind had tousled her hair and I longed to push back a lock off her face. I just managed to stop myself by shoving my hands in my pockets.

"You liked it?" I asked for confirmation.

"We can do that whenever you want!" she exclaimed.

I laughed, surprised and enchanted. The fear of the unknown that had gripped us both seemed to have dissipated in this moment. Bella could have found my speed strange and frightening … that would have been reasonable. But she always reacted contrary to how I expected.

"Where are we exactly?"

"Behind your house."

"Oh."

She seemed to me to be forcing herself to return to reality. I wished that just like me, Bella didn't want to leave.

"I hope Charlie isn't worried. He thinks that I'm at Angela's working on our machine."

I sensed no feelings of worry coming from the house. At least, no more worry than usual, for Charlie was always worried about his daughter, no matter where she was. I concentrated harder to locate her father's mind, and figured that he was in the living room, absorbed in a baseball game. The usual.

"He's wondering if he should go pick you up or let you come back by yourself," I said, scrutinizing his thoughts.

"You think that?"

"I don't think it, I know it. I hear him."

"You hear him. Oh, of course, with your response to the ultrasound machine I should have suspected that you have very developed hearing."

She was barking up the wrong tree.

I considered what I should do: Could Bella handle yet another supernatural revelation about her vampire friend?

I contemplated her tranquil gaze and her delicate features, always open, accepting, non-judgmental.

Yes, she could. Tonight was a night of confidences – I might as well go for broke.

"I do hear better than humans, but that's not what allows me to hear your father. Because he's not saying anything. He's thinking."

"He's thinking? How can you know what he's thinking?"

"I can read his thoughts."

She frowned. "Huh. That explains a lot …"

She must have put some other pieces of the puzzle that was Edward Cullen into place.

"The night's surprises aren't over, I guess." Her smile was small and uncertain, a reminder of her fear of the unknown. "All of you hear everything other people are thinking?'

"Only me. It's a gift that I have. Certain of my kind have a special talent: mine consists of reading the minds of everyone. Well … almost everyone. Your mind is completely inaccessible to me. It's the first time that's happened to me and it's very frustrating."

Bella thought about this a moment.

"There's something wrong with me?"

I shook my head, incredulous. I released a short, exasperated, albeit affectionate, laugh.

"I tell you that I'm a vampire, that I can read minds, and you think there's something wrong with you!" I said. It just seemed natural to take my hand out of my pocket and ruffle her hair. "You are impossible."

My brain caught up with my body then, and I pulled back immediately.

Her scent had surely impregnated my skin – a great deal of humans' scent was concentrated in their hair. I had blocked off my sense of smell, but I buried my hand in my jeans pocket to escape the temptation to inhale my own scent mixed with hers.

Bella didn't notice my internal battle and snickered. She shrugged in excuse for her abnormal way of absorbing my strange reality. Then she sighed, turning in what she judged the direction of her house. She seemed to find the prospect of saying goodbye distressing, and I felt butterflies in my stomach to see that.

"Tell me …" She was looking for excuses to put off her departure. I could have jumped for joy.

She twisted her hands together, a gesture I had learned to interpret as a sign of apprehension. Bella wanted to ask me something, but was hesitating.

"Yes," I encouraged her, a smile in my voice.

My tone reassured her. "That first day … you weren't sick during that first biology class, were you?"

I didn't like to be reminded of the day when the monster almost triumphed, but Bella wanted information and I owed that to her.

"No. My kind never becomes ill. I rushed out because I smelled your scent. I couldn't continue to resist it so I fled."

"But you came back."

"Yes, because I couldn't stand by and let you destroy years of control and discipline. I was testing myself by approaching you, proving that I could go back to my little human routine. But here we are. What at the start was supposed to be only an exercise in control was transformed into curiosity. You are so different from everyone else … and not only because of your blindness or my inability to read your mind. You are so interesting… It's so easy to talk to you. I've never been friends with a human before because everyone instinctively recoils from us. But not you. You didn't have the urge to recoil because you didn't see my strangeness, my differences, my peculiarities. You saw…"

"I saw only Edward," she finished for me.

I was grateful that her blindness kept her from seeing all the love that must have been obvious in my gaze. I didn't want her to know how much I loved her. That, that was a secret that I would never reveal. Oddly enough, it seemed more compromising and troubling than the secret of my vampirism. Because that truth implicated my frozen heart which had learned to love. I didn't want to see her reaction if I declared that love. I had feared her rejection of me as a vampire, but I was even more afraid of her rejection of my love, of her refusal to be loved by a creature of the night. I couldn't expose myself like that. I wanted to keep it for myself. I didn't want to embarrass Bella, to force her to respond to a sentiment that she didn't feel. We were already defying all the laws of nature in speaking face to face like two … friends. It was a lot more than I deserved.

And even if she had an affection for me that transcended friendship, her feelings would never equal mine. There would always be an inequality because vampires felt emotions 10 times more strongly than humans did.

I continued my story, shoving aside my usual reserve.

"But it was a mistake. I realized that when you wanted to know more about me. Humans keep far away from us, and for my family, that's a good thing because we don't like to lie. If people approach us, talk to us, questions about our family and our lifestyle come sooner or later. We can never tell the truth. We are constrained to keep our secret because the world isn't ready to accept our existence. So, when you tried to find out more about me…"

"You preferred to push me away."

"I didn't want to lie to you. And being too close to you was risky … for your survival. So, yes, I pushed you away. But it was too late: you had already had too important a place in my life… I just hadn't realized it then."

Had I said too much?

No. After all, she couldn't understand what the word "important" meant to me. It could be simply the importance of a friend.

A bit of our fear of the unknown twisted in my chest.

"I still don't know if we're right to do this. It's not safe to be near me."

Bella swept my worry away with the back of her uninjured hand. "I'll try to stay away from sharp objects, that's all."

She played down the risks, minimized the dangers, even poked fun at them.

"Never forget what I am, Bella," I admonished her.

"I'm totally aware of that, believe me."

I could believe her, because her heart had not stopped hammering, an audible witness to the tumult my confession had caused her.

We silently agreed it was time for her to go. Bella resigned herself to turning away, but stopped in her movement t. I saw worry on her face.

I was assailed by doubt. What did she fear? Was it I?

"We'll see each other tomorrow? You're not going to disappear in the morning, like a chimera? After all, you are a myth."

She didn't fear me, but instead the possibility that I would leave her again, reject her again. I closed my eyes for a second, savoring her desire, despite everything, to continue to spend time with me.

Then I tried to reassure her. "I am indeed real. And I will be here tomorrow if that's what you want. But…" It was my turn to worry. "Is that really what you want? I don't know what you're thinking, if you're forcing yourself to ignore a fear greater than that of the unknown, if you feel under pressure. So, you must tell me the truth. You have to tell me what you truly think."

Our roles had been switched and it was Bella who tried to be reassuring, smiling in that peaceful way I loved so much.

"I'm not hiding anything. I am always honest with you. I'm not playing a game and don't feel forced to do anything."

Relieved, I answered her smile with my own. "Good. So, I'll see you tomorrow."

Could it be as simple as that? Could we leave each other with a casual goodbye after all that had happened today?

Apparently, yes. It was that simple. A terrifying chapter ending with a light-hearted paragraph. A tempestuous concerto that concluded with a gentle note of serenity.

Bella said goodbye in her own way. She sought out my hand and found it hidden in my pocket. She extracted it and squeezed it a moment before releasing it and turning slowly away from me. I felt each millimeter of my skin tingle where she touched it, a tingling that continued even after the contact ended.

I tried to ignore it, to not be distracted by that, because a mystery remained unresolved.

"One last thing, Bella."

She stopped and waited.

"How did you find me?"

I hadn't insisted on an answer during our encounter on the cliffs, but now that the painful events surrounding my confession had receded a bit, I could repeat my question.

This time Bella's smile was a little mischievous.

"Apparently you'll figure out that by yourself soon enough."

What would I figure out myself? I wondered.

She turned away for good, delighted that she could leave me hanging.

I didn't dwell on my frustration, because Bella was leaving me and I would soon be unable to see her for much too long. I wanted to indulge in the last seconds remaining for me to gaze at her silhouette in the darkness. Still, I didn't feel quite as abandoned as I had every time I left her before, because I knew that I was going to see her again in her room during the night.

It was an addiction I couldn't shake, watching her sleep. That was the lover in me, unable to get enough of his beloved. And since that addiction was a direct result of the love that I would never dare reveal to her, Bella would never know of my little nocturnal habit.

She turned the corner of the house to make it appear that she was coming from the street and went in by the front door.

As I listened to Charlie greet his daughter while hiding his relief that she had arrived safe and sound from Angela's house, I brought my hand – the one that had ruffled her hair and that Bella had taken in her own – to my nose and inhaled the scent of her on my skin. It burned, but it wasn't the usual burn, the one that scorched my throat. Instead I felt it in my chest, as if it was warming me from the inside. This fragrance, a mixture of her and me, was pleasurable, even reassuring, as if it was a symbol of a relationship that until now had been only a fantasy, a mirage. This new scent was like a promise of a union that I had never dared hope for. This aroma convinced me one and for all that it wasn't a mistake for the lion and the lamb to be together.

"Thank you for being who you are, Bella," I told her silently even as I listened to her steps as she mounted the stairs to her room.

I owed her so much … my silent gratitude wouldn't suffice. The awareness of my good fortune wasn't enough. I had to find a way to thank Bella. Apart from watching over her for the rest of her life, I didn't really see how to demonstrate my gratitude. Watching over her, that was just something that I would naturally do. I needed to do something more concrete, something that she would enjoy.

An idea began to take root in my mind. I smiled in the dark, one eye on her window. Hmm, yes, that would work… it would be a delicate task, but Bella was worth it.

I worked on the details of my plan while waiting for Bella to go to bed.

She was restless tonight. Her sleep was disturbed by some dream I wished I could chase from her subconscious – I suspected that I was the cause of her torments. She had gone through a lot today because of me. She had been confronted with an awful reality and I was sure that her mind was dealing with the shock in her dreams. I felt guilty for troubling her usually peaceful sleep.

While Bella tossed and turned, her brow furrowed, I told myself that it would probably be better if I left her alone tonight. Her subconscious was perhaps alert enough to detect my presence so close to her bed.

I scrutinized her, studying her body curled up, her tense face. I didn't know anything about sleep, but I was certain that she wasn't experiencing a nightmare. I knew the signs of terror in Bella – I'd seen them this afternoon when I had behaved so abominably. What I saw now didn't resemble terror at all, but … pain? Yes, that was it. She wasn't having a nightmare, but an unhappy dream.

I was curious about the source of her sadness. I once more cursed the mental wall that concealed her mind from me. I wanted so much to know more, but my questions would never be answered. The only effective manner with Bella was direct questioning, but how could I do that without betraying myself? "Oh, Bella, what were you dreaming about last night that made you so sad?" I didn't see that going well. She had accepted the vampire, but she would surely reject the nighttime voyeur.

I resigned myself to leaving for the night. I should give her some space. I dragged myself over to the window, wishing, heart and soul, that I didn't have to go.

Soul? Since when did I have a soul?

"Edward?"

I jolted and turned around. She had awakened! My God! I should have left earlier. What could I say, what could I do? Never before had someone detected me when I wished to remain hidden.

It felt as if the gears in my brain couldn't turn quickly enough to find a solution. A second's thought for me was worth several minutes in a human. A second would normally be enough for me to find the perfect excuse, but I was so disconcerted that Bella had seen me that I was rooted to the spot, my eyes wide, fixed on her in her bed.

She rolled over, sighing, and stayed there, in the fetal position, wrapped in her blankets.

"Edward," she said again, listlessly. Her eyelids were still closed.

I was incredibly stupid. Sleep was such an unknown commodity to me that I couldn't tell the difference between sleep talking and a word said in a state of wakefulness.

But here was the proof that her unpleasant dream was indeed about me. All that she had experienced today, she was reliving in her sleep. And it was obviously a powerful dream: I had never heard her speak in her sleep before.

Was this a nightmare in which I allowed the monster in me to satisfy its murderous urges?

No, Bella still looked distressed, not frightened.

Sadness…

I had expected to cause all sorts of feelings in Bella: anger that I had lied to her, fear of what I was, regret for having befriended a monster. But I wouldn't have predicted sadness. I couldn't understand what I could have done to provoke such an emotion.

Again she murmured as she moved restlessly.

"Don't go away… don't disappear."

I was dizzy.

Bella Swan was dreaming that I was leaving her. That's what was making her so sad.

She wanted me close to her, even in her sleep.

I fell into a state of sweet euphoria. The love that I felt for her anchored itself even more deeply in me, in every cell of my body. She didn't love me as I loved her, but she felt enough for me to want to keep me nearby ….

But what sort of traitorous dream was Bella experiencing that would make her beg me to stay? Her subconscious had transformed me into some sort of imposter. The real Edward would never disappear. Had I not been clear this evening when we had bid each other goodnight? Had I not told her that I would see her tomorrow morning? Apparently, that hadn't meant in her mind that I would be also see her all the other mornings after that …

I had to find a way to reassure her. I had several supernatural gifts, but not the ability to enter a human's dream. What would I do? I could simply let her dream run its course; it was after all, just a dream. But I was incapable of standing by, arms crossed uselessly, watching her suffer.

"I'll never leave you, Bella."

I whispered these words as persuasively as I could, but they didn't seem to reach her.

My feet moved of their own accord to her. They no longer obeyed me. I had lost control. However, I hadn't lost it to the monster in me, but to the lover.

How long did it take me to bend to her? It felt as if it took an hour for me to hinge a few degrees closer. After each tiny movement, I paused to accustom myself to her proximity, to let the lover put another padlock on the door that held back the monster. At the end of an eternity, I had leaned over enough so that my head was next to her sleeping face.

At this point, I could no longer calculate, no longer hesitate. Because if I thought about it any more, I would find a thousand reasons to retreat. I shouldn't think about how this was a mistake. I should simply act.

Which I did.

My cold lips found her forehead and pressed oh-so-gently against it. Her soft, silky skin was a paradise to my marble lips. How could such a light touch have such an effect on me?

I felt her shiver as my glacial skin made contact with hers. I jumped back and nearly knocked over her bureau. On tenterhooks, I waited for her to react.

The shiver that went through her make her pull up the covers more closely around herself. But the lines in her forehead disappeared, the tension vanished and her whole body relaxed. A small smile even appeared on her lips.

I was arrogant enough to believe that I had convinced her subconscious that I would always be there for her.

My touch had soothed her.

Bella finally slept peacefully, dreamlessly, overcome by the fatigue of her day. I left her at dawn, in a state close to ecstasy, my lips still burning with the memory of what I had dared to do.

I arrived home to find my family waiting for me, some with a smile, others with irritation.

They knew that Bella was in on our secret, thanks to Alice, and most of them were relieved that Bella had taken the news so well. They hadn't thought that I would dare tell her everything – nor had I. But because of Alice's second sight, they had seen, like me, that terror wasn't the only possible reaction that a human could have to our real nature.

Rosalie was discontented with this turn of events; that was no surprise.

But one member of my family had a reaction that I didn't understand: Alice. She was looking at me with defiance, as if she expected me to reproach her. I was puzzled until her thoughts suddenly flooded me, despite her efforts to hold them back.

I was plunged into her memories of the afternoon and I understood the meaning of Bella's words last night: I would figure it out for myself.

In Alice's mind, I saw Bella approach her in the cafeteria and ask if she had seen me. Bella was looking for me desperately. I saw through Alice's eyes a Bella bent on understanding my abrupt departure. That determination prompted Alice to concentrate on me so she could guide Bella to my location.

"I will drive you as close to him as I can, but you'll have to do the rest on foot," Alice told her. "Follow the sound of the waves and you'll find him."

"Why can't you take me straight to him?"

Because he'll hear my mind and run off immediately. "Because he won't be able to stand to be with anybody but you."

"Okay," Bella agreed.

"Above all, don't tell him that I took you to him. In any case, he'll find it out himself sooner or later."

Bella was so worried about me that she had had accepted Alice's conditions without asking why my sister would know where I had run off to. She immediately trusted her … as she had me.

What was most disconcerting in this vision was how comfortable Bella seemed with Alice during their brief encounter. They went straight to the point. Was this the beginning of the friendship that Alice had foreseen?

I saw something else in my sister's head. Not a memory, but a vision about my reaction. I saw myself angry at her. It was true that she had led Bella to me when I could have killed her, when I was still unhinged by having seen her blood in the lab room. That was something I could be angry about, I supposed, so why didn't I feel furious?

Seeing my anger in advance pushed me to analyze the situation. Was I right to be angry? If Alice had led Bella to me, it was because she had seen that nothing horrible was going to happen on the cliffs. I sought to confirm this supposition in looking at the various chains of events that my sister had seen as possibilities or certainties. I saw nothing concerning Bella and me. Alice had thus acted on instinct, not because she had seen anything.

I understood then that that was why I would become angry: because Alice had simply trusted me, had had faith – a sentiment that was quite unreliable – that all would go well. She had thrown Bella to the wolves.

Or the lion, rather.

"She would have found you herself, trust me," my sister said, detecting the first signs of my coming anger. "Bella had already decided. She was going to find you, even if she had to go to Timbuktu."

She showed me paths that I hadn't paid attention to before. Indeed, I saw Bella do everything humanly possible to find me. If my sister hadn't helped her, she would have even asked her father to organize a police search.

"Didn't she show you tonight how she felt about you?" Alice asked. "All I did was help along what would have happened anyway."

I calmed down. Jasper probably had something to do with that.

In any case, I should thank my sister. After all, I was here, at home, I hadn't killed anyone, and Bella was still my friend despite the truth.

A little yellow sports car appeared in my mind. I would take care of it tomorrow.

Alice jumped with joy, seeing that she would soon get the present that she had predicted that I would give her.

I ruffled my sister's hair and she seized my hand to sniff it.

"Mmm. She does smell good."

I rolled my eyes, simultaneously envious and exasperated. I envied my sister her ability to breathe in Bella's scent without becoming thirsty. She could appreciate the bouquet without drinking wine, that one.

"I can talk to her now? I can take her shopping?"

"Shopping?"

I again saw her vision of her and Bella arm in arm.

"Her clothes are so nondescript. They do nothing for her. I want to fix that."

I broke into laughter. That was so typical of Alice.

I saw in her mind how she perceived Bella: her clothes had no style, no personality.

Never before had I paid attention to Bella's wardrobe. It didn't matter to me – she could be wearing a paper bag and I would still find her stunning. But seeing her through my sister's eyes raised questions for me. Did Bella dress so simply because of her blindness? Did she opt for clothes that all matched because she couldn't organize them? If she had the ability, would she care about fashion? Or did she not care, since she couldn't see herself anyway?

Perhaps it would be good for Alice and Bella to become friends just so my sister could help her with her clothing.

Knowing how enthusiastic Alice could be, though, I worried that she would overwhelm Bella.

"No, no, I won't unnerve her," she assured me before I could say anything.

Alice danced away, already imagining a thousand outfits for Bella.

I got ready for school, musing on what this new friendship could bring. At least Alice was on my side. She was the only one of my family who wanted to approach Bella for herself, not Bella-the-human-whom-Edward-was-mooning-over. Rosalie and Jasper were wary, and I hadn't expected anything different. As for Carlisle, Esme and Emmett, they would accept Bella because they wanted me to be happy. Bella herself didn't interest them, though they were curious what it was about her that drew me to her.

Carlisle thought that it was her humanity, that I was seeking in Bella my own lost human side.

Esme was more romantic. With Bella, I could be a hero, she thought.

As for Emmett, he had no theories. He couldn't understand what I could find so fascinating in a human. He wasn't necessarily being insulting. He just didn't find humans interesting.

I left my family to their thoughts and returned to Bella's house, impatient.

It was a morning like all the others when I had come to escort her to school, but it was the first morning in which Bella Swan would open her door to Edward Cullen the vampire and not Edward Cullen the strange classmate. This morning felt like the start of a new era. I finally felt free to be myself, no longer constrained to show only the surface. Until now, Bella Swan had known only the tip of the iceberg; today, the entire glacier would emerge.

Of all the cycles of school and college that I had experienced, this one was different. And no matter how many more such cycles I would undergo in the future, none would be routine, tedious, monotonous, because one way or another Bella would be there, near or far, and everything would always be new. Before, I had been walking on a treadmill. Now I was on a road stretching to the horizon, littered with obstacles, with mountains and valleys to cross. This road could be exciting or terrifying - I didn't know what to expect. All that I knew was that it would terminate in an abyss: the death of Bella Swan, inevitable not because I was a mortal danger to her, but because death was the natural outcome of life. One day Bella would die. It would be the dead end of this road; only the void awaited beyond that.

I was grateful to Fate for having put Bella in my path, but one day Fate was going to make me pay for having given me Bella's acceptance of my nature. The time would come when my eternal night would longer be lighted by the gentle glow of the moon. I would pushed back into the shadows when it disappeared. The day would arrive, far in the future I hoped, when death in the form of age or illness would take Bella Swan away from me. I feared that day, but expected it, for mourning, darkness, the abyss was a fair price for having had Bella in my existence.

And in waiting for that fatal day, I should take advantage of each second of her presence, and that was just what I was going to do this morning.

I waited on the sidewalk, knowing that she would leave her house in a few seconds. I felt a wave of happiness when her door opened. I stared at her forehead as if I could see the invisible imprint of my lips there, symbol of my promise to never leave her.

Bella stepped out hesitantly. Her fingers gripped her bag more tightly than usual and in her other hand, where I could see a small bandage, she held ... her cane.

My shoulders slumped.

She didn't need her cane, I was here!

Did she intend to walk to school by herself today? But then why had she insisted last night on knowing that I would be here?

Puzzled, I examined her more closely before greeting her.

Her cane was retracted. She seemed unsure that she would need it.

That's when I understand.

Bella had doubts. She had feared that I wouldn't be here this morning and she had her cane ready in case.

Her subconscious may have understood that I wouldn't leave her, but it obviously hadn't transmitted that message to awake Bella.

"Hi!" I said quickly.

My voice startled her. The smile that spread immediately across her face told me that I had guessed correctly: she had thought that I wouldn't show up.

Bella stuffed her cane in her bag and stepped off her stoop to join me, this time with no hesitation, but almost bouncing. Her greeting was full of relief and happiness.

We headed to school. She talked to me of music, and I realized that she was seeking to convince me that everything would be as before, despite my terrible truth, that we would simply take up where we had left off last night.

"Do you still want to read to me at lunch?" she asked me, suddenly uneasy.

"Of course," I said as reassuringly as I could.

"And tomorrow, we're still going to Seattle?"

The fateful test.

"Yes," I said, tenser now.

The day passed like any other. I accompanied her in thought and in person everywhere. At noon, we crossed the Andes with Arago and at school's end I escorted her home. We said goodbye as normal, but our journey tomorrow haunted the atmosphere. Our trip to Seattle was a crossroads, a point of no return.

Returning home, I concentrated on the two ideas that I had had the night before: finding a way to thank Bella, and finding that car for Alice. If I focused on those projects, I might spend less time worrying about tomorrow.

Still I asked Alice to reassure me, and she saw nothing untoward happening. Or at least, I was firmly committed to not allowing the monster out, which meant her visions about Bella were clear, but she couldn't never predict everything. Decisions, those Alice could see, but accidents were too random. Nonetheless, Alice's confidence was comforting. She had as much faith in me as Carlisle and Esme.

For my secret project concerning Bella, I asked my mother's advice. Touched by my intentions, she gave me all the information I needed. If everything worked as expected, Bella and I would do more tomorrow than just visit her ophthalmologist ….

Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper were bemused by my plans and made bets on the likelihood that Bella would return alive from our trip. Idiots.

However, I didn't say aloud what I thought of this bet because I wanted Jasper's help and thus had no desire to provoke him. To do what I wanted tomorrow, I would need his talents for computer hacking and fraud. Many times before, he had gotten us out of potential trouble thanks to his gift for manipulating human technology. Jasper was essential for my project.

When I told him of my idea, he was perplexed, and it was only out of politeness that he agreed to help - and for the challenge of it. Jasper would need a good part of the night to assemble the materials and information necessary, and I left him to it.

As for me, I did some research and made some calls so that Alice would get her reward.

I didn't visit Bella. I spent my night hunting, gorging myself as never before. I needed all the help I could get, spending hours enclosed in a car with Bella.

When I returned at dawn, I saw that my instruction had been followed to the letter. The transfer of an amount double the sticker price from my bank account to the dealer's had been sufficient motivation for my sister's car to be delivered posthaste.

Alice was exultant, Rosalie studied the motor with her mechanic's eye, Emmett was openly envious and Jasper was eager to take it for a spin. As for Carlisle and Esme, they looked on like two parents watching their children playing with their new Christmas toys.

At my arrival, Alice hugged me. I wanted to share her enthusiasm, but I was too nervous. Each minute that passed brought me closer to the test I was so afraid of failing. Indeed, this was the first time that I wasn't in a hurry to be with Bella Swan.

I didn't want to poison the joyful atmosphere in the house, so I left to get ready. I would collect Bella at the same time as usual, only this time I would arrive in my Volvo. It would be my first time driving it since Rosalie had repaired it. I liked my car, but this morning I looked at it warily. Today it would be an instrument of torture, a prison in which the lion and the lamb would be trapped for hours. For me, it was no longer a car but a hermetically sealed compartment that would be filled with Bella's fragrance. I went almost every night to her room, but there was more space. I could keep a distance between me and her sleeping form. There was always the window for a quick escape if needed. And especially, there was Charlie next door as a psychological obstacle. But in the Volvo, I would be truly alone with Bella, with only my self-control to rely on.

I sighed, steeled myself, and grabbed my keys.

It was time.

My family didn't say goodbye, but I could still hear the encouraging words from Alice, Carlisle and Esme in my mind, mixed with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper's jibes.

I was at Bella's quickly. The patrol car was there, but I knew from the mental silence from the house that Charlie had already gone fishing. His friends must have picked him earlier. Too bad … a last paternal warning would have been useful. "Take care of my daughter, Edward. I'm counting on you." Knowing that her father was worried would have made me even more cautious. In fact, I knew he was worried, but he trusted his daughter's judgment. It remained to be seen whether her judgment was correct…

At the sound of the Volvo's engine, Bella stepped out of her house. I got out, opened the passenger door and she climbed in, giving me her usual casual greeting.

I didn't respond. I contented myself with closing her door and sliding behind the wheel. I didn't close my own door. Closing it was symbolic of our isolation, of the test ahead in which I would be mere inches from her for three hours. I delayed, scrutinizing the sun visor, the dashboard, the glove compartment, the gearshift. Everything was fine: nothing near Bella could cut her, which was my worst fear – that she'd get scratched or somehow draw blood during our journey. I had trained myself to handle her scent, not her blood. If she hurt herself again …

"I'll bring you back, Bella. I promise you ... I swear to you."

I stared at the windshield and silently repeated my words, like a mantra.

"Of course you're going to bring me back."

A warm, white feather slid between my clenched fingers. Bella was trying to reassure me (and I couldn't help noticing: she had hurt her right hand, so it wasn't that one she used to reach her goal). Her left hand managed to insinuate itself into mine and she smiled at me. She tried to transmit to me through her touch her own assurance. It worked. At least enough to persuade me to close the door and pull away from her house.

She wanted to release my hand so I could drive, but I wouldn't let her. This physical contact, her heat against my coldness, reminded me what she was. A human, who need her blood to live. A human full of life and warmth. If I reminded myself of this during the journey, the monster would stay hidden. Or if he showed himself, Edward would fend him off.

"Don't you need both hands to drive?" she asked, interrupting my mental chanting of my mantra.

I looked at her, astonished, before reminding myself that Bella didn't know all the advantages of my nature.

"I can drive with my eyes closed, Bella."

"That, I wish I could do!"

I immediately regretted my remark. That wasn't the sort of joke to make to a blind person.

"I'm sorry …"

Her shoulders shook in silent laughter. She tightened her fingers around mine.

"Don't worry about it. In fact, it's a very good thing that I can't drive with my eyes closed."

"Why? It would be quite an ability to have," I said.

"Sure, but then I wouldn't need the services of my official driver."

A reminder that we would have missed an opportunity to see each other outside school.

Luxuriating in the implication of her observation, I relaxed a little and tried to see our time isolated together in a different light. I was close to my moon. Very close. I should enjoy these precious hours of such proximity. All the more so since I was looking forward to Bella's reaction to the surprise I had for her.

The drawback in holding her hand was that the lover in me delighted in this contact, and the moment we had to break apart would bring a feeling of loss and abandon. The more I touched her, the more I wanted to touch her. I would never get enough of Bella, and thus it would be for eternity. The day would come when I could no longer satisfy even the hundredth of my desire to touch her, for on that day she would be six feet underground.

My heart twisted painfully.

Don't think of that. Be in the moment.

And what of her? She didn't seem at all uncomfortable sitting here, her hand in mine. But perhaps she was acting only out of compassion. Bella had noticed that our contact gave me strength. She supported me, encouraged me, showed me all the trust she had in me through this touch. If she didn't need to encourage me, would she hold my hand just for the pleasure of it? When the time came for us to unlace our hands, would she experience the same disappointment as I inevitably would?

What if Bella was a very good actress? What if my icy fingers actually bothered her? What if she was forcing herself to hold my hand so as not to offend me? Bella was so kind; perhaps she was trying simply to spare my feelings?

I lectured myself: I shouldn't fall prey to such pessimistic notions. Bella was here of her free will, and nothing indicated that she felt the disgust that I so feared.

After some minutes of silence, Bella cleared her throat.

"Say…"

She hesitated. She slumped and chewed her bottom lip.

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget about it."

Damn her mental wall!

"Tell me what you're thinking, Bella," I begged her.

She sighed and her exhalation filled the interior of the car.

Danger.

Stop breathing. Close mouth. Keep eyes on the road.

There was only one sense I couldn't control: touch. While her hand was in mine, I was used to it. But feeling the warmth of her breath in the air, on my skin … that I wasn't used to. Her exhalation was like another presence in the car.

Concentrate on what she is hesitating to say.

"Well?"

"It's that … I'm curious. I'd like to know more … about you."

I had told her the essentials. That wasn't enough? She really wanted the morbid details of my life?

I thought for several seconds. I'd offer a compromise. I was curious too.

"Ask me what you want. But in return, you have to answer my questions."

"Okay."

She accepted quickly. Giving up my usual reticence about personal questions was a small price to pay for satisfying her curiosity.

She started questioning me, at first with an embarrassment that was natural considering how previously I had closed up like an oyster when she tried to find out more about me. I made an effort to answer her sincerely, without any impatience in my voice.

I too was uncomfortable at first. Bella wasn't judging me, but her questions could have been colored by unspoken – and perfectly legitimate – reproaches. When I described my non-vegetarian years (how did we get on that subject?) I expected questions such as, "How many people have you killed?" But instead she asked, "How many women and children did you save from these killers?"

Whatever I told her, she saw only the positive side.

Still, I was anxious. I dissected her reaction to my answers, always afraid of giving her that one detail too many, the one that would make her order me to stop the car so she could run off screaming into the forest.

But that moment never came. There were a couple of times when she had swallowed hard and her heart started hammering, despite my care in choosing my words.

Sometimes her questions made me laugh with their naivety ("Are you allergic to garlic?"), sometimes they troubled me with their gravity ("Does the transformation hurt?"). But I hid nothing from her.

I stopped only to inhale; I needed air to make my vocal cords vibrate. Each time, my throat burst into flames, but holding her hand helped me push away the thirst more easily. Her scent impregnated the car, but I was growing accustomed to it. And having her fingers threaded through mine, feeling her life circulate under her skin, reminded me to think of Bella Swan as Bella Swan, not as a carrier of the most exquisite of nectars. I gradually was able to almost ignore her fragrance, pushed by a desire stronger than thirst: the desire to talk with her.

I realized that it was easy. Once over my initial reluctance, I found that my reserve disappeared. I became aware that I needed to talk. I told her everything that occurred to me. I no longer even needed her questions to launch into a long monologue. Bella's attention and sincere interest made it all come naturally. She wasn't listening to me out of politeness or malicious curiosity. It wasn't the vampirism in itself that interested her, but Edward. That she was interested in me and not in the freak show was what made my inhibitions vanish for good.

In all my existence, I had never talked so much. It was as if I was releasing a reservoir of information that had been held back until now by dams of self-censorship. I felt so light, so liberated. I needed to tell her, to tell her everything, all that I was, all that I embodied. I wanted her to know me. And I realized sharing with her all that I was, all that I had done, all that I had experienced, was like therapy. I felt freed.

I stopped only when I became aware that we were more than halfway to Seattle. Time was always relative with Bella Swan.

"Your turn, now."

Bella pouted.

"Fine. But my short and insignificant life is far from being as exciting as yours, I warn you."

"Nonsense."

Everything about her was interesting. Everything.

Carried along by a lightheartedness and joy that was novel to me, I asked her my own questions. And with her interrogation of me, we started with reticence and uncertainty. I too hesitated, not wanting to hurt her feelings with my questions about her illness, how she had come to terms with it, but she responded to me with as much sincerity and patience as I had.

I wanted to know about her childhood, what it was like to grow up as a child like everyone else but then see her life turned upside down when her illness appeared. Strangely enough, her life had changed forever just as mine had when Carlisle had intervened. The circumstances and causes were different, but the result was similar: our lives would never be the same. We had in a sense died and been reborn to a new existence.

I remembered almost nothing of my own childhood, my parents, my boyhood activities, my dreams, my aspirations. All that was hazy, and buried deep in the vault of my memory. But hearing Bella Swan talk about her own childhood helped in a way. Details of her life, insignificant for her, were triggers for me. Memories flashed through my mind, still foggy, but I had never been as close to grasping them as right now. Bella Swan's childhood was a sort of echo of mine. Still, I put those flashes aside, too absorbed in hearing about the life of my moon, what she had been, what she had accomplished and experienced until our paths had met.

The existence of humans had never been interesting to me. Humans were born, lived their short, simple lives in ignorance of the dangers of the supernatural world, aged, died. That's all they did. But to hear Bella speak of her own life was fascinating. It was a life in which everything was new, not on endless repeat as mine had been for a century. Bella's life was certainly simple compared with mine, but it was her life, the path by which she had arrived here, the events that had made the person I knew today. Her entire life from her first steps to her illness to her presence with me now was precious to me.

And when there was almost nothing more to say about that life, I had new questions on a different topic. Bella contained mysteries and enigmas that I desperately wanted to resolve, and since we were now confidants, perhaps she would enlighten me.

"I'm very curious about your theories about my nature. You know, that confidential list?"

Since her fingers were prisoners of mine, she couldn't twist her hands together as she did whenever she was nervous.

"You're going to think I'm ridiculous."

"I'll try not to laugh."

I doubted that I'd have to repress a laugh anyway. I was incapable of laughing at her, no matter the context.

"Thank you in advance for not damaging my self-esteem," she said wryly before resigning herself to answering my question. "I had a strange theory about you, and several factors suggested that I was perhaps correct in believing in this … hypothesis."

"What kind of factors?"

"First. There was the van. I figured that you'd have to be ethereal in some way to not feel pain in absorbing such an impact."

"Ethereal?"

"Yes, ethereal, even intangible. Not made of flesh and blood. Ethereal characterizes you as does … omnipresent. I don't know why, but I always feel you around me, even when you're not nearby."

Well. I definitely had underestimated Bella. She had sensed that I was following her wherever she went. I'd have to double my precautions to allay her suspicions. I didn't want her to feel harassed by me, which would be inevitable result of her knowing just how close I always was to her.

"Since I've met you I no longer feel … uncertain in my movements. Even before you started to escort me every morning, I felt that my way to school had been made safe."

Dammit, she'd even figured out that I inspected her route to school?

"I thought I was crazy until you intervened in Port Angeles. I told myself then that I wasn't wrong to think that I was being constantly followed. After all, you always showed up when and where I needed you, so you must have been watching me, either closely or from afar. But you were so discreet that nobody around me noticed you. What kind of being could be so close to invisible?

"So a theory grew in my too fertile imagination. I tried to ignore it, but even so I continued to notice other things: you never ate, for example. It was another proof of intangibility. It had to be that you didn't have a physical nature if you didn't need to eat.

"You also knew my address. Omnipresence, again. From that I deduced that a being who was everywhere and nowhere at once had to automatically know these sorts of details. Also, you seemed to always know what was going on around me. For example, you knew that Mike had invited me to the dance though you couldn't have heard our conversation since the Cullen table is at the other end of the cafeteria. What other than omnipresence could explain this phenomenon? Later, when you copied the CD for me, I told myself you had to be some sort of personification of my personal tastes, a duplicate of myself, because I was convinced that nobody liked the same music as I did.

"And then, I'd also noticed that everybody avoided you. People are uneasy with you, and I deduced from that that it was because of your otherworldiness. How could someone be comfortable with such a creature? Omnipresence, your strength, your invisibility, your discretion, your unearthliness and your constant protection of me meant that this odd theory in my imagination made sense. And … today still, I think that I wasn't wrong even if the truth isn't what I thought."

I was beginning to have a notion what this famous theory was, but I wanted to hear it from her.

"And what was this theory?"

She hesitated before whispering timidly, "You were an angel."

I shook my head in frustration that my guess was right. She shouldn't idealize me so.

"You were quite naïve to have thought that."

"Or very lucid."

I snorted, which didn't stop her from continuing.

"You were a guardian angel. An angel who had lost his wings, who was forbidden from crossing to the beyond because he was dangerous. The classic guardian angel is passive. You protect with more …drastic means."

Images of what I had done, or nearly done, in Port Angeles replayed in my mind.

"You had been condemned to wander the world among mortals because you had refused to be passive and pacifist. The powers above had punished you. Being forced to stay on earth had made you bitter, the source of that constant melancholy I heard in your voice, and the reason for your certainty that you were destined for Hell was that the gates of the beyond were closed to you. You nonetheless fulfilled your destiny, since it was why you existed. You chose the people you protected based on how much they needed you and your drastic methods.

"I told myself, pretentiously, that I had suffered enough with my illness to deserve your protection – though considering what you just told me about your life, my little personal hell seems pretty minor in comparison. So that's how I accepted the improbable that a creature like you would want to be friends with an ordinary girl like me. And blind in the bargain."

I snarled. I didn't like her to denigrate herself like that. She ignored me and continued.

"In the beginning, you approached me, but you were afraid of me because I wanted to know you better and humans couldn't discover that you were a lost angel. So you rejected me before finally realizing that you couldn't fight against your nature as a protector. You then adopted my tastes to approach me again; you did your best to give me the impression that you really wanted to know me but I was convinced that you were only trying to find a way to be around me so you could do your job."

Bella laughed at herself. "Quite a fantasy, huh?"

A fantasy, certainly. But I understood what she meant in insisting that her theory was true even if the truth was completely different.

I was, in effect, Bella Swan's guardian angel.

Her story was both beautiful and sad. It didn't reflect reality, but it definitely reflected Bella: from the start, she had seen everything in me that was abnormal and frightening, all the factors that defined me as a vampire to distill and purify them and make them fit her theory.

I tried to believe that my behavior could be like that of a guardian angel. That would justify my plan to watch over her for the rest of her life.

Guardian angel was a title that I didn't deserve, but I wanted to be worthy of it by tamping down the monster in me. It was an absurd theory, a complete contradiction of my real identity, but I could try to attain it. I never would, of course. It could be my goal, a way to keeping me on the straight and narrow of self-control.

"Are you disappointed that the reality has fallen short of your imaginings?"

"Translation: are you disappointed that I'm a vampire, the opposite of an angel?" she teased me. "I was surprised," she added more seriously, "but content."

"Content?"

"Of course! You are real, not a phantom. You followed me and protected me also because it is in your nature, but it's not a duty as it would be for an angel. You watched over me because … because we're friends. And, most important, you weren't mimicking me so you could do your job. You really have your own tastes, your own ideas. You have your unique personality, not a shadow of mine. To know that there really exists someone else on earth with whom I have so much in common made me … happy. So it doesn't matter if you're a vampire or an angel."

I let a smile creep across my face. To hear her accept and even prefer what I was put me on Cloud Nine. And for once I didn't feel guilty of selfishness.

I had one more reason to do something for Bella. The idea that I'd had, with Jasper and Esme's help, would be a way of thanking her for all that she had done for me, for all the weight she had lifted from my shoulders. I was pleased that I had arranged it.

There was, however, a possible snag. If Bella declined to come with me without asking questions, my plan would all fall apart.

"After your appointment, I would like to show you something," I said. "The problem is that to get there, we would need to drive all day."

She raised her eyebrows, her curiosity piqued.

"What is it?"

"If I tell you, it won't be as much fun."

"Oh, it's a surprise."

"As you wish."

She hesitated.

"You are free to accept or not," I assured her. "I wouldn't force you to do anything. We can go back immediately after your exam if you prefer."

I had to give her the choice. She shouldn't accept because she felt pressured. After all, she was still going to have to spend several hours next to Edward the vampire. Her tolerance level was perhaps being exceeded. That I could understand.

"But it will be difficult for you, won't it?" she asked.

Incredible.

She was hesitating because she didn't want to put me under pressure!

"I've managed until now," I told her. "I can handle the entire day and more. In fact, I don't feel that I'm having to 'endure' anything at all right now. I feel good. In control."

As I said them, I realized that my words were completely true. I finally had confidence in myself. I could do it. I could get through this day without a problem.

She shot me a grin.

"All right. I'm eager to know what you're going to show me."

I searched her face for a hint of apprehension that would belie the enthusiasm in her voice. I looked in vain.

"You're saying yes?" I asked, almost incredulous.

"Yeah."

"And Charlie?"

"He's not coming home until Sunday evening. When he's out fishing, he forgets everything else. He won't notice if I come back later than expected."

She agreed so quickly…

Always this blind faith …

I gently stroked her finger with my thumb and turned my attention to the road stretching out before us, under the Volvo. It made me think of another road, that of my life. It no longer turned round and round, going nowhere; instead, it too stretched out far into the distance, twisting, ascending, descending. A road full of obstacles that I would cross as long as this feather stayed in the palm of my hand …

Elysabeth thanks you for reading and reviewing, and says that it's really interesting to hear the point of view of her English-speaking readers, who differ from her French-speaking ones in quite a few ways. And she wishes "bonne année!" to you all.